Christopher Choad

This week on Social Mobs, things quickly descend into chaos after a perfectly normal cup of tea. The gang attempt to discuss ancestry tests, hearing problems, and everyday life, but somehow end up debating animal heritage, suspicious pubes, and the strange realities of public toilets.

Harriet shares the relief of finally proving to the audiologist that she really is deaf (and celebrates the prospect of fancy new hearing aids), while the others swap stories about performing stand-up comedy with microphones turned off, disastrous gigs, and the awkwardness of explaining comedy as a job to “normal” people at school mum meet-ups.

Elsewhere, there’s carpet-cleaning triumphs, questionable hotel hygiene, Bronze Age burial sites under Travelodges, dragon-romance novels, and a heated debate about whether you can identify a human poo on sight.

Plus, a listener dilemma: Ben thinks he’s reached the point of not caring at work and worries that one drink at the office social might lead to him accidentally burning the company down. Should he skip the event—or lean into the chaos?

Expect tangents, oversharing, and the usual wonderfully unhinged nonsense.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, thanks so much for joining us today on Social Moths. You are gonna have a lovely time. My name is Amy Mason and uh I'm here to tell you just before we get started that I am currently on tour around the UK. I'm gonna like 30 cities, towns, and villages all around the UK, probably somewhere near you, and I'd love to see you there. The show's about me uh getting something unexpected in the post and trying to work out where it came from. Um come bring your friends, bring your mum, bring your husband if you must. Anyway, uh let's get started. Welcome to Social Moths.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

I'd love to know your heritage. I don't want to know your heritage. Part snail!

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Definitely part lizard, stick your tongue out.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Bit of a wasp and a llama in there. Bit of cheeky cheeky. Why am I more animal than human? You've got movements about you that aren't right. Had gap movements anyway. We've all had a cup of tea this morning, which is why we've gone mad, I would say. So welcome to Social Mabs, the podcast where we uh use this as an excuse to see each other and talk about what we've been up to all week, and then we sometimes have listener things. Thank you very much for sending them in. Uh those of you that have bothered. Uh we've got quite a few, actually. Yeah. And um, that's it, really, I suppose.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Anyway, Amy Mason. Amy, we only said it because we were talking about shells and then you No, we the other way round.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

It was the other way around. We were talking about 23 and me. Oh no, we weren't. No, you weren't. 23? What were we even talking about? What are we talking about? What are we talking about? Okay, is if you went on, who do you think you are, and then they discovered that the ancestor was a snail.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

That's all we were talking about.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

That was after? Yeah, you said that after.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

After you went on Well, we're in the next one. I think we all next week after spitting a tube or something. Properly ashamed.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Of what? You can't help. I'll just be alive. Oh, do you know I went full of Cinderella? There was a very wide.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Did you lose a shoe at a night time party?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

No, there was a very wide chode-like pube.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

You didn't go to Cinderella, you went out, I'd say. Oh, were you in here when she did this?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

I'll tell you the pube.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

She came in here, just kicked the door open. She went, Did you use the last toilet on the on the the first toilet on the left or the middle one that I can't remember which one it was? Did you use that toilet? And I said, Why? I said, No, I didn't. She said, Well, I've just found a pube in there that's ginger, and it's got the the width of a stapler. Staple. And she said, and your secretly I think she didn't say this, but she was employing You are adding a lot of sentences. And then she crawled on the floor like a lizard and started hissing at me again, whose pube is this? Uh that bit's not true. But it was not my pew. And she had a magnifying glass. Yeah, yeah. I said, Look, Harriet, I'll show you them. I'll pluck one out now, ripe and ready. And then it went round the whole rest of the building. On a cushion, like a shoe. Yeah. And how whoever it belongs to, she was going to marry.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

And it turned out, uh And you had to put it back in the bush to see if it fits.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

No, but it turns out it was uh Christopher Joad.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Christopher Code, two doors down, sneaking in. This podcast was always a bit nonsensical, but it's become like just a random, not even selection of words, it's just different noises. Excuse me, I mean, but not disrespectful. Christopher Joad.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Christopher Joad, Christopher Code, the way are his pubes in town. Oh god. Hello?

unknown 3:40

Christopher Joe.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

Who's at the door? It's Christopher Joe looking for his pubes.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Do you know why I'm so happy? It's because I've been living this life in fear the last few weeks. Because basically, I didn't tell you the last few. So because I was really embarrassed. Because you know how I feel about but people don't believe me. And then so basically, last time I had my ears done, I felt like they didn't believe that I was deaf.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

And then so and then because she said we've only got your word for it. So then I thought, so then I thought they think I'm not deaf. And then Who's they? Who are they? The people at the audiologists. But they're the people that check your ears. Exactly. So I thought that then, and then I was like, everyone's gonna think I'm a liar, and then all this business, they think I'm a liar, and then I'm gonna have to come out to people and say I'm a liar, but then I'll have to go, wow, because I can't it. And then today I had this like I had uh so many stickers on me and bits and wires coming off me, and uh, I'm really deaf. How deaf? This is deafer than they thought you were. No, no, no, just like as really, but it just proved because the all the things were in, so I didn't because before you go, you have to press a button every time you hear a song. Oh, I've had that, John. Yeah. But this one is um I do nothing. She told me to read a book. So I'm just doing nothing for ages. That's why I took so long. Um, and then I well, and then I I got well, I got really depressed because the only book I had was Blument Shaggin Dragons. No, I don't want to go holy. Uh uh Godfrey J Virginia. Oh god, yeah, what's that? Uh the Epstein. Yeah. Oh so then I was reading that, then I apply for uh replies to some emails, but I was just sitting there whilst all this stuff was happening. Um, and at one point she looked at uh she looked at me like she thought I was asleep. So I thought that's mad that you said absolutely no brain act for stuff because she said just don't do what you want but don't fall asleep, and there was a point. So she was only looking at the screen, and then there was a point where she looked to check. So I thought that means there must be nothing must be must nothing must be happening on the screen. And then I just felt because me and her got on so well, and I just felt there was a shift that when the because that you can't lie that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I feel like this all might be in my head. You want to phone call Rich?

SPEAKER_02 6:19

Hello? For Slapself, alright, it's that producer. We're paying a lot of money for you.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Do you know her? Because she's from Cheltenham, the audiologist. So are you ringing us to tell her that I'm not?

SPEAKER_01 6:28

No, I went to the opticians, I went to the opticians, I got glasses, and then I went back to the opticians a year later, and I said, I'm coming back to see you because I still can't coming back. I can't I can't see. I still can't see. And he did all the tests and he said, You hear eyesight's exactly the same. And I said, Yeah, but why can't I still see? And he said, But are you wearing your glasses? And I said, Oh no, that'll dim it. No, I'm not. That's why.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

That'll dim it. And why was that? Do you find because it's some people in fact there's a comedian in in the north, and he he is supposed to wear hearing aids and glasses, but he has a thing where he can't stand things on his face, feels like buckaroo, so he doesn't. Um, and then so some people like that because I said to the audiologist today, me and Louise Young, we can't the moment we get home, we take our knickers off. Oh, me too.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Because it just feels like Me too. I put I put Traxi bottoms on and no pants.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Louise Young's the same as well. We just feel like there's it's too enticing.

SPEAKER_02 7:28

Enticing, restrictive, restrictive. My pants are too enticing. I have to take them off. I want to eat them.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

I do immediately. Christopher Chan. Tell you what, if there's any straight pubes, it's ours, isn't that? Let's be honest. No.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

That wasn't my we there's more people in this world than us, Amy. My pubes are the darkness of night. I'll have you, man. Shut up, are they? They kind of grow straight, which I don't enjoy. I would have guessed. Daddy love legs less. Like hundreds of daddy loved legs to my tips of my dark. What were you saying? Sorry, about what? Your eyes? I've never seen you. What?

SPEAKER_00 8:16

This is why we can't have tea before. I've never seen you. This is I think because it's got a lot of. What is she?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

What's going on?

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Do you wear I've never seen you in glasses.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

I've never seen you wear them. I look fit in them, actually. I look too fit. I have to not wear them because I just attract too many people. Um, I know I think I look good. I wear them on stage for a bit. I wear them in my show for a bit while I read a book and I put them on. But that's the only time I really wear them, I don't wear them that much. You know, my dad, he went to the he went to the audiologist.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

He's very deaf.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

And they told that him he was deaf, but he didn't hear. He went back to my mum and he said, No, I'm absolutely fine. Fuck it, that's actually true. And he went back again. They were like, No, we told you you were deaf. He's so deaf, he does amazing stuff. We were we were on holiday and there was a stray dog, and he was feeding it from the table, and my mum went leave that dog alone, and he went and gave it a bit of meat. My mum said I said to leave the dog alone, and he thought she'd said give the dog a bone.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Oh I know. Kindness in mishearing. I know have you so you're that you're we you've just had your death test on, have you?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Well, get this though. Get this guy. Well, um, because I these hearing aids are from uh Timo. No, uh from uh like lockdown time, so they've developed. Oh so I'm getting some very fancy new hearing aids. I could choose the colour. I thought I'd be able to get some like camouflage ones, but not that excited. Um uh and um and then I'm gonna proper have the the app and I can and I can take phone calls in my ears and stuff. My dad's got them. Yeah, can't wait. I'm well excited. But but my friend Steve Day when I lived with him in Edinburgh, he's he's deaf. He's like, it's like 3% like he's because so he's got obviously you only have hearing aids if there's a little bit of it, he's so deaf. And he you'd be he's and he was even weirder than usual in the kitchen, and then uh and that turned out he had the bloody Olympics on his telly in his room in his ears whilst talking to me.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

My dad's like that.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

My dad does that with a cricket.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

I did a COVID gig with Steve. I love him so much. But we were all on Zoom, yeah, and what he'd done is he'd put his phone on a timer to vibrate when his time was up, and he'd put the phone on the laptop so he could see the laptop. He could see it on the laptop, obviously. We so when it got to his time, his phone started vibrating, and we could all see him on the screen, and it was just going, huh, huh, uh, but he couldn't he couldn't hear his phone vibrating, which is weird. So he's carrying on doing his set, but we can't hear him doing his set because his phone's just going, so we've got that noise, and Steve just goes, Yeah, yeah, well, doing this new material, and we and everyone's like, What's that?

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Steve's put his phone up. I did a gig with her and she forgot to use the microphone, but like not just like forgot to use the microphone, like the microphone and stand were over to the left. She just stood there doing the gig.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

How do you how do you uh how do you feel when you're doing gigs? Like, can you hear your own self?

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Not really. So then when you go to do uh mic check, um sound checks, and then I'm I'm going and they go, Well, how is that? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. And then before I've been on stage for like 40 minutes, and then someone's come on, turn the microphone on. And you did, you had to say, didn't you? That was so funny.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

It was so funny, it was so quiet, and people were like, Can't hear you. And then Harriet was doing like a work in progress, and she had loads of props. None of them made it to the light of day after that. Some of it was absolutely bloody mad. Do you remember when you were pretending to be the weekend?

unknown 11:50

The weekend?

SPEAKER_01 11:52

You had like an outfit on and you did a song pretending to be some kind of singer.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

As a concept, or the weekend, or no, the singer, the weekend.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

The singer or somebody like that. And you had a little outfit on and you did a little uh Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

I had a top hat.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah, and she did a little bit, and she had all these props, and she'd when she finally realised that she hadn't got the microphone and stand, she'd used all of her props and completely blocked in the microphone, and it was an amazing bit. She'd literally just turned like that and realised that it was ungettable. It was really fun. It was really, really funny.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Yeah, so I've uh so I'm very excited about my new hearing aids. Oh, that's really fun.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Yeah. I've had uh I've had uh I've I've deliberately gone out again. Well, one of them I had to We didn't say it was the social butterfly of the last one. I think it was Amy because she went on holiday and it was stressful. And she had a cucumber off the floor.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

I wonder how big is the biggest sidewards cucumber you could do. Like if you could do a sidewards one from the whole length. Oh, I bet you. If it folded as you put it in, you could do it, I suppose, but you're not gonna What if it folded as like in your mouth and then was stuck? So then for the rest of your life, your your mouth is only operated by the cucumber.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

So I tell you about sometimes my jaw disconnects itself if I do it, but your own.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

No, that happens to me too.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

That's horrible.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

That happened when we um did the when we did the podcast previously. Lindsay had a a nightmare, her door because she's part snake.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

I need to dislocate my jaw to eat my massive eggs. It happens to me if I get too stressed, I get rude. You tension your jaw. I think once when I had my wisdom teeth out, they dislocated my jaw to take my wisdom teeth out, and it never went back in again. Yeah, got big fat teeth.

unknown 13:45

Hey Dow!

SPEAKER_02 13:46

Coming for you. My week, I hosted a football event at the villa, that was quite nice, and it was fun because it was for the ladies' team, and I got to sit with my mate, and we just mucked around and it was lovely. I got a free shirt. That was nice.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

You support the football.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

No, but David likes it, and um, so it was nice because my daughter came and we took her to her first ladies' football match, and she knocked my fucking drink over, which cost me four pounds, and then at half time said she wanted to go home. Um so that was pleasant. But you were working, so you had to. No, the thing was before, and then the game was after. Uh and then what happened? Oh, I went to I went to a soft play with the mums from May's reception. Not all of them, just a few. They were like, and I thought, oh, shall I go? Shall I not go? And I thought, well, I'll decide on the day. And I went and uh it was alright, yeah. I was behaving myself. My favourite bit though was one well, they were going around the little table saying, What do you do with the job? What do you do with the job?

SPEAKER_00 14:42

Well wait, why?

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Why did I go?

SPEAKER_00 14:44

No, why did they why were you going round the table?

SPEAKER_02 14:47

Oh, I wasn't going around the table. They were just having a conversation. No normal people when they talk. They don't talk like that, do they?

SPEAKER_00 14:52

Normal people. Yeah, yeah, normal people. Hello, Allen. Tell me about yourself.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

No, they they're going like, so what do you do for work? What do you do for work?

SPEAKER_00 15:00

So you went in bare bat, you didn't know one thing about them.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

I know them. We have all had sex in the same uh academic year for the children to be at school at the same time. But I don't really know sex.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

You had sex with them in the academic year. What are you saying?

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Common with these women, is that our children, we all had sex in the same academic year, so that our children were born in the same, so all our children are in the same year at reception. Not I had sex with them. That's the thing I've got in common with them.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

That's the only and then I'm in a WhatsApp group with the reception parents, and one of them said, if you're listening to this, please watch it when it comes out on YouTube because the fact that this is Harriet Dire are making us something else. Harriet Dire's eyes are like a Tom and Jerry cartoons.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

Anyway, so what I was saying is one of the mums said, We're going to the soft play. Does if we this is when we're going, she's going, blah blah blah. And I said, No, and I've looked at it and I thought, I'll decide on the day. Because my my daughter is very temperamental. She don't want to go, she don't want to fucking go. So I just booked and went, and uh, the old kids went off to play, and then it was just like the mums sat around a table drinking coffee and we're just having chats. And one of the mums said, What do you do as a some of them know, but like the this one lady, she's so sweet. She went, What do you do as a job? And I went, Oh, I'm a stand-up comedian. And you can see someone go, you know, when they go, Oh, well, oh well, weird job. And she said, Oh, I like. I used to listen to um the Parent in Hell podcast. That's that's kind of all I do for God. And I said, Oh, I've been on that. And she went, Oh. Like, you know, when someone realizes you're not shit. Yeah, yeah. That was quite nice. And she went, Really? And she went, Oh, I love Josh Windakam. I said, I've done a bit of his some of his tours. Oh! Like, you know, when someone it's really weird, you see her going, Oh god, she's something wrong with her stand-up comedian. Oh my god, she's actually a job, yeah. So that was quite nice. Um, and that was that was uh 'cause part of me, when I'm in an Uber, and I've said this before, I uh I if someone says what you do, where are you going? I just say I'm a nurse. I don't be bothered to do it.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Uber's all for Uber's the only place where I don't say because the drivers, no disrespect to Uber drivers. I understand where they say it, they always go tell us and tell me the joke. And that just makes me especially if you do ho from a gig.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

But um, yeah, it was I've just got to the point where I think, do you know what? I should be proud of myself and not just sometimes I go, Well, I just I write comedy bits and all no. I said I'll just tell. They're gonna find out sooner or later at school what must most of them must know.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

The mums come to see me quite often. Really? They're coming tonight to see m to my show, actually. And there was a bit about them in the show.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

But they loved it.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah, but there was a bit about them which was a bit funny because it was like there was this WhatsApp group at school, and a parent uh in the class started a petition against LGBT key stuff in the sex education curriculum, and no one said anything in the group, and I waited like 60 seconds, and I and then I wrote, I am queer, and you can have this petition in here, but I will start a petition to make all of your kids gay and like and um and like no one backed me up really, and people were like, Ugh, I thought I would make your kids gay. I was like a bit much, I think. But anyway, I've got a bit about that in the show, and so and they came and I was like they thought it was funny and it was fine. And that is and they like it won't be funny, but they should be told because they should have well yeah, I went, I carried on because they left because then people did sort of back me up after a while because and then they but they left the petition in the group and I said, Look, who is an app in here? Can you get rid of that from the group? Because I hate it being in here. Yeah, really literally pissing me off.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

That's mental. Especially in Bristol, there's nobody hope if that's happening in Bristol. Bristol, it's rife with them. You can't move for listening. Because when it was like um, what's it called? Uh that all the flags and stuff, that there would either be a sign after the flag uh as we were coming out into Br was it in or out of Bristol to say ignore that we lost it.

SPEAKER_02 19:12

Ignore that, that's just three men being twated.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Yeah, I'm wondering if there's that because he bloody fugged.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Oh, I like that story, there far for bloody flags.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

No, not really about that.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

What else did I do? I I uh trying to think. I've been feeling so ill for the whole week. Yeah, you sound you sounded bungee the other day. And bungi and bungi.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

So I've been feeling awful, and then I had a second wind on Thursday, went to do a gig, and then I was just completely wiped out then. I couldn't even do my gig on I had to pull my gig. And do you know it wasn't even the driving? It uh sorry, it wasn't even the gig, it was the thought I couldn't have driven because I was so delirious. That's not like you as well, is it? Like you're like I'm always I pulled I had to pull one the week before as well because my my period was biblical. I'm having a biblical period. Sorry, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

It's our age. No, because I told you my ovaries, my ovaries must still be there. How's your teeth dragging of your funny? Oh I've got to go for an MRI. I'm still waiting for that, really, but it's like I assume the ovaries are there because they've um they've they're producing mess. So they can't be too far away. Speaking of mess, uh this week, very proud of myself. I um carpet wash mine and grandad's carpet. It was real, a real thrill. Did you see it?

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Because the video have you got a carpet wash? I love it. I I used to have one and it broke. I'm gonna hire one because the cat keeps shitting on the fucking carpet.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, it's so good. I recommend the carpet cleaner. I just find it really thrilling to see the water go in and then the water come out and it's black. I had one, but it broke really quickly. I'm gonna hire one, I think.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Yeah, so what do you do? Do you hire one?

SPEAKER_02 20:50

No, no, I've got a shark one. So what it my brother's quite quite keen on his vacuuming and his cleaning. Uh, and he had a shark vacuum um shark carpet cleaner, and he was just kind of showing it off, and I borrowed it once because I just uh but it was such a thrill. I thought, I'm gonna ask for one of these for my birthday.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

I think with them sorts of things it pays to get a more expensive one because I've got like oh no, I got a steamer. Oh, you're on about a steam no, I'm on about a carpet. I got a steamer to clean the oven and it was absolutely rubbish, and it ended up just steaming my oh my god, once. What is happening? You're steaming. I steam a clothes. Get this. I was steaming my clothes with a terrible steamer, and Marv came running in thinking that I'd collapsed and was breathing weird, and it was just steaming. Like a dragon.

unknown 21:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Oh, I'll have to stay clear of you, Lindsay. You blumbe start dry humping me.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Lindsay likes dragon porn.

SPEAKER_02 21:46

No, I don't! I'm trying to read a book.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

I bricked herself off on the way to Greek.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

I've read um, I've finished that book now. Thank you. Um yeah, and you'll start again next week. I can't. Me tell you what happened apart from she went off with a man and he was big and muscly. I've started a new one now called Round of Great Um Thorn of Crowns and that's boring me to death. Um there's not I've not got to any shagging in it yet, so we'll we'll clap.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

You like all the worldly stuff.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

I like a wizard.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

I do like a wizard. Marvin loves all of that. There was one was it, is it the Witcher where the computer game when he when he goes if he gives and now we always do it as a laugh if someone gives directions because he goes straight, straight as piss, go down here.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

I love that game. The problem is when then when an enemy appears, have you watched him play it? When an enemy appears in The Witcher, the music suddenly changes to this woman going, like really dramatic. And sometimes when you're playing it, you can't see where like an enemy is, but you know they're there because it just goes. So I just start doing it whenever David came near me, like for a bit. Honestly, it scares the shit out of you because it just starts. That's the witcher here. Very good. I enjoy that game. I had one, I think there was a bit in it when I went. This is I put a baby in an oven. Oh, to hide it from being taken. Uh it wasn't on. Don't worry. Oh, don't worry. The baby's pain, it's not real, it's a computer. Oh, dear dee. Put it in there to save a baby, thank you very much. Anyway, that's what else have I I've done loads of stuff this week. I went to a coffee with my friend.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

You have really lately, I feel like you've really set up. Yeah, you had a f you had a slow start.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Dragon porn's got her going.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Dragon porn's got me horny for socialisation.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

I had a drink after a gig with a friend.

SPEAKER_00 23:47

But you don't drink.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

No, I had okay, she had a glass of wine. I had a spray in Cambridge. Hello. I went, she came and met me. And I've only met her once. She's a friend of a friend's, and I met her in Greece because she lives sparkly in Greece. And she came to the gig on her own, which is really nice. Hi, Lucy. Oh, that's great. I know. It was really nice. And then I stayed in my travel lodge outside Cambridge, which was the site of a Bronze Age burial site. I love shit like that. And it was creepy. On a travel lodge. In a travel lodge. And there's a sign which is the travel lodge block bronze age burial site. And it was so skanky, the travel lodge. Travel lodge, if you're listening, sort yourself out.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Was it not zhuzh?

SPEAKER_01 24:25

It had, it was alright. It was relatively zhuzed. You know, but the red blue stripe over there. The bathroom had wet toilet paper in the bath.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Like shampoo or body lotion wash everywhere, and there was like sand or something all over the floor. It's fucking disgusting. But I I got there at like midnight, so I was like, oh fuck it, I'll just sleep, go sleep.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

How do you feel about having baths in hotels? I I will often have a dunk in the premiering. There's rarely these days, there's rarely baths. It's often just showers. I like a bath. I'll squash myself in there like a tube tough paste at the end. But I will have a bath, I'll stick myself in the fucking sink if I have to. I do not give a fuck. But people are a bit funny about it because they're like, oh, it's you shouldn't bath in the bath because I would in the night, but this was the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

If you're gonna be at the end of the day, you'll be in the bed, like every footstep you take, barefoot. Think about that. At least you wear.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

It's like the floor is lava. Like I can't touch it, you know? Like I have to put slippers on, and I'm like, uh But it's like, I mean, there's lots of worse things than that, but for some reason it really creeps me out.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

No, because it is the worst, because you know at home to get all the hairs and everything up, you've got to have a real deep, strong nozzle.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

Pubes, one pube left on the bed, ginger pubes gonna be following you around.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Oh my god, when I was newer at comedy, me and Aaron Twitch and we did the um uh like the a run of the stand gig. Oh yeah yeah yeah. Um and we stayed like Bert and Ernie in the in the single beds, and then um uh and then he nipped in. Have you heard this? No, he nipped in and put some knickers in my bed as like before so I I don't know what I was doing, must have been like bombed about, and then um and I've got in the bed and I'm like, whose knickers are these? And then he's gone, you're joking, and then I and then I've gone, I've taken the knickers, stormed the reception, and it was a prank. And I'm like, because he goes, just leave it, Harriet, and I was like, just leave it? You can't be but they have a knicker, other people's knickers, willy-nilly, and all this, because that happened to my brother, he had teeth in his bed. Teeth someone's teeth in Disneyland, and there'd been a murder. Well, not on the same night.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Who knows? When I was sleeping, as I slept in a hostel in New York first night in a hostel, woke up, there was a human shit next to me.

SPEAKER_02 27:08

I always wish of people. How do you know it was human? It might have been a demon shit or a dog. So while you were sleeping, something weird, somebody squat down next to you, looked at you, had a poo on the floor. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

No one, no, on her bed.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

No, it was next to me on the floor. On my bed.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Leave a mint on your pillow.

SPEAKER_02 27:31

Rich is thinking of something. Richard, tell us your story about human shit. You've clearly got one. Oh my god, as if you said he was sat there like a little pondering what Queen Anne should do. Oh, with a plage ponderant.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Do you have something you want to tell us? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

Richard, Richard, tell us about your human shit story.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

You do know when it's human, though, isn't it? I don't think you do. It's long lensing. What do you mean it's long? How much clearer can I be?

SPEAKER_02 28:06

I just think that the the food that dogs eat now, right, it's a change the way the poos are. And if you get David and his long mozzarella six mozzarella.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

It's all strange.

SPEAKER_02 28:24

I bring my husband's beautiful bowels into this. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Sorry, the way pet food is these days.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

The poos of the dogs have changed, so therefore I think they're more human-like. Yeah, but the bumhole is always the same. Yeah, but the what how different is your arsehole to a dog's? About a foot. What do you mean about a foot? It's a conference. Oh my god I'm gonna have to no. I was gonna no, I'm gonna have to do some research into that. I do. I want to measure you a foot-long arsehole and put it next to my mum's dogs, and see what it does. Have we got a listener? Oh yeah. Is any of our mothballers write in with a social po poo-file? Very good, Lindsay. Uh it's keeping us on track. No, you're alright. It's uh it's always a worry for me. Hello. Are we starting?

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Oh, yeah.

unknown 29:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Okay, go on then.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

Good dog. Fucking then. I have gone past the point of giving a fuck at work.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

I care. Oh, is this anonymous? No, it isn't. No, it's Ben, Lindsay's French. Oh, do we like the like because he says Hello Ben, this is your story. Hi, Ben. I have gone past the point of giving a fuck at work. I care about the work I do, but when I say I've given up about giving a fuck, you really don't give a fuck, do you, Ben? Ben does not give a fuck. I mean in a more professional sense. For example, I've just started calling out senior teams bullshit directly to their faces. Preach.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Preach queen.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

The other day I swore they were talking about me and I stormed over and shouted, my ears are burning. Because that's in the capital letters. He wouldn't say, My ears are burning! My ears are burning. And someone stop Lindsay if she thinks there's a dragon. For them to tell me they were talking about their favourite sweet treats. Maybe they were burning.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Maybe you are their favourite sweet treat then.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

I have a social event coming up with work where I'd like a few beers but fear I'll burn the company down after one sip. Do I avoid the social events, or is it clearly time for me to move on and get a new job? I want the money and the bonuses though. Please help Ben.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

I think, Ben, that you can do you can both move on and still attend the social events in the meantime.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

And because it will force you to move on, because I think yeah, you aren't gonna go down in the ball of flames.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

I'd leave. I've made many a mistake in a similar situation of not giving a fuck at work. Stay longer than I should have done, fucked it, and then worried about getting a reference. I would leave it. That's the issue, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 31:07

But I think if you're just being direct rather than calling everybody a massive arsehole, that's uh calling people out on their nonsense is fine. But I I think Ben it's time to get another job. He's a very clever boy, I don't think he'll have a problem.

SPEAKER_00 31:20

And when there's drink involved, isn't it? Is it you don't know what you're gonna say?

SPEAKER_02 31:24

He always bloody does dry January, does Ben? When is he? Ben, I don't know if you met him at my party. He was there for a little bit. What have I got Hello? One one one trouser lookup like Timmy Malik. Amy just suddenly opened her legs at me as I was speaking, it was quite unnerving. I thought it was gonna fall in.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

I've never I've never not gone other than comedy, I've never not left a job. I always leave a job in a ball of flames under a cloud. Oh really?

SPEAKER_02 31:52

I'm I I think I've had like one job where I was like this is I I've stayed for a year and that was one year longer than I should have been there.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Oh my god, I've always left in a disaster where I've told them they're fucking dickheads. Yeah and I had to like grovel for a reference.

SPEAKER_02 32:07

Oh no, no. I try I try I miss my old job. The last one I left, that was lovely. Do you miss it? I genuinely do because it was such a nice job, and they were so lovely people, and it was a lovely job, and I was useful, and it was it was actually not I was never bored. I was never bored, I always had so much.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

And how long were you there for?

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Uh five years, I think. 35. No, five years. I know you're deaf, but also you could use your common sense.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

Marvin says that.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

He always says you you couldn't, but I just How do you leap to the number so high when I'm only 40?

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Well that's why I said it with a questioning glaze and a wink in your eye.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

35? How's that possible? Tell me now. Um no, I was there. I I've always worked in the NHS and it was just the team's really nice. And it was uh like they'd ask me to do they're very they wouldn't go do this, they'd go, can you do this? And I would go, I can do that, but do you actually want this instead? And they'd go, Yeah, that's what we want. And I'll go, well, I can do that for you as well as that. And and it was it was um if ever I just didn't want to not do okay, well I can't do that. I can't nice, it was such a lovely job, and I only work three days, Monday to Wednesday. And that's so rare that it's everyone hates their job.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

So would you go back? In a heartbeat, yeah. So you're not enjoying comedy in comparison?

SPEAKER_02 33:33

No. Like I am enjoying comedy, I'd rather do comedy, but like if all goes to shit, I'd happen to go back to that job. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Depends, isn't it? Because I imagine the reference is important. So I would probably say if you are relying if you've got something already set up, he hasn't, he won't have. Then yeah, but uh, I'd say sense like I would probably say drink, call them all conts, but that's not sensible. I think that uh I think sensibly you should not go drinking with them until you've got something lined up.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

Ben, as well, he's having an operation on his ears soon. I think he's got a grommet. I don't know, he's told me too many times. Paulith. And uh get have that first because you'll get sick parry and then leave. Very good idea. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

Yeah, try and don't drink and don't don't interrupt that sweet treat chat thinking it's right. Sweet treats. But it's so difficult. I've before needed to tell well, see this is the thing, I always think I need to tell people that they're pieces of shit, whereas I don't need to.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

No, no, I do this sometimes. I I'm terrible at going calling out shit, and I think what I'm gonna do is I'm just making someone feel uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

Yeah. And then I always little bastards. I always in previous life, I I've had so many people agree with me when I've sensed a miscarriage of justice, and then they're like, if you walk, we'll 100% have you back. I'm the same. That's happened like three times, and then no one does, because they're little bitches. They're similar.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

I always stick my head up above the parapet, and everyone else just keeps their head down, and I'm like, I'm like, you know, come on! And everyone's like, But they tell you that they are gonna do that, they should just be honest, very annoying.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

I know.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

Moth of the week. Me. Let's go home.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Yeah. Can you please give us lovely reviews? You don't have to. Please do.

SPEAKER_02 35:31

And share it if you've if you've enjoyed it. Oh, um, and give us some more stories or phone parts on our website, socialmoths.co.uk. Follow us on our Instagram handles. Um, we've got Harriet's I've got big, big titits uh at at Instagram.co and Amy's is Amy's look at my alarm toe. And mine is knock knock, it's Mr. Christopher Chowd. Thank you for the follow and like and subscribe, as the kids say on the YouTube. I'm going now. Bye. Bye bye.