Bookie Looking Baby

In this episode, we’re back with the chaos that is Social Moths, hosted by Amy Mason, Harriet Dyer and Lindsay Santoro for a very unfiltered catch-up on life, comedy and everything in between.

The conversation quickly derails into dating red flags, the importance of farting in front of your partner, and what really makes an “ick”.

We dive into everything from questionable sock choices and awkward social encounters to bizarre gig stories, museum mishaps, and the realities of life on the comedy circuit. There’s also a listener story about a painfully awkward hug that sparks a very relatable discussion about overthinking embarrassing moments.

As always, it’s chaotic, honest and completely unapologetic — with plenty of oversharing, unexpected tangents, and the kind of conversations that probably shouldn’t be recorded… but thankfully are.

If you’re here for laughs, relatable chaos, and a podcast that feels like being in the group chat, this one’s for you.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, thanks so much for joining us today on Social Moths. You are gonna have a lovely time. My name is Amy Mason and uh I'm here to tell you just before we get started that I am currently on tour around the UK. I'm gonna like 30 cities, towns, and villages all around the UK, probably somewhere near you, and I'd love to see you there. The show's about me uh getting something unexpected in the post and trying to work out where it came from. Um come bring your friends, bring your mum, bring your husband if you must. Anyway, uh let's get started. Welcome to Social Moths.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Oh my god, that's like when you first meet. I genuinely believe this. If you when you first start dating someone, you need to just let you need to quickly fart in front of them because otherwise, I know a man who hadn't even farted in front of someone and then he married her. That's a terrible basis for a marriage.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hello, and welcome to social moths. The social moths are the moths of socialness, and we are what we're doing again. We have a podcast so we can be more social with each other. Um, we are here being social. Let's all hold hands. Well, I've got a sweaty hands.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

I just washed my hands.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Well, well, congratulations, Amy!

SPEAKER_03 1:10

Mine claming is all the don't stroke my clam.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Oh Lindsay, I don't like that. Oh, sorry, do you want me to lick it? Sorry. I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. So show mods. I'm Harriet Dyer. I'm Ebenezer Scrooge.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

I'm Amy Mason.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

I'm also Amy Mason. I'm Patty LaBull. I'm a small fox trapped down in a well. Help me, help me out. Help me. I want to eat the hen's eggs. Uh welcome to Social Moffs properly. What's how's everybody doing? Very well. Uh yes. Yes. Any farts today? You've been bur you you've parted in front of anyone you love?

SPEAKER_03 1:58

No, because I um I have no one I love.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Okay. No, not even the people you sat with. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Maybe how are you today? I'm alright. I'm alright. Uh said I was looking very summery. You are the spring. There I am, get my legs straight out.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Yes, you've got beautiful legs and strawberry dress. Thank you. Strawberry socks up to the mid-calf. Yeah, like a proper I'm not a millennial. That's that screaming, going, Yes, you are. Um, I roll my socks down and I don't care.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Do you do it, you know, in school where you roll it to a donut? Yes, I do. Them little frilly socks make me sick. You don't have to wear them. No, but I don't. I've got new socks, I've got these socks. Harriet's socks are like a ging um ging ging. Is that what's g-ga gang?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Well, I don't even match, I don't think. What are these? Oh, I don't know. I have to have a certain material of socks because I don't um I can't be walking and a sock is rolling away from me. I shall not stand for it.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

I had the same conversation when I bought with a lady when I bought these socks because I have to get the men's socks because the ladies' socks, they just slope down. They will want to tickle your ankles and fiddle with your heel.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, that's I've got too much stuff to be doing. I don't know about you, Amy, but I cannot be fanning around with a I've got I've got business to attend to.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

I like a big, sturdy pull-up sock. That's a crew sock. I like a ribs. That's what grammar socks are at all times. I hate those ones that are like meant to be the hidden sock. You know that you're meant to be like you're not meant to see it in your trainers that goes under your ankle bone.

SPEAKER_03 3:41

It's horrible. That's uh don't really like the term, but I would say that that is an ick if I went on a date with someone and they were wearing it.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

I understand what icks are because somebody said this to me before, and I is I I I felt like I was too old to go, uh what? So is it just something that makes you go, ooh, fuck off.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Oh well, can't we just call it that? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Something that's just a bit gross and it might be something tiny, but it kind of creeps you out.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Oh, creeps me out.

SPEAKER_03 4:09

Lots of things creep me out. Like if someone had those, um, and I was gonna do I uh uh auditioned to do voiceover for it, and I'm secretly glad I didn't get it because they're not me sick. The shoes with the individual toes.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

What the what the fuck are you what are you fucking doing a voiceover of a shoe? What? Well you just uh you just do what you get asked to do, isn't it? Yeah, it's true.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

And then but because there was a guy in the front row at a comedy club with those individual toe shoes that I said, what's gonna happen? You're gonna scutter up the fucking like a lizard. It's creepy, man.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Isn't it? Once at school, I um I banged my head and I was about seven, and the like the woman, the school nurse, said, 'How many fingers am I holding up?' And she held up her hand, and I said, 'Four'cause I thought she was tricking me. Like, you know, when people say four fingers and a thumb.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

Uh four and they took me to hospital.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

I bet I had to never at school, go to the school nurse, and I because I was fat. And I was a fat child. I was very rotund. I was well, they just made you go to the nurse because you were fat. Well, I had to check my weight, and I was I remember being eight and a half stone, and it was about eleven. I don't see that's very heavy. I know that. And um the nurse said, if you can maintain eight and a half stone through puberty, you'll be fine. Spoiler, I did not. Because eight and a half stone's too small. I'm like five foot eight now. For a grown-up. She was saying that if you just stay this way for the rest of the year. You can on growing upwards, but maintain the weight. Fucking hell. I was ever I was like squashed, I'd say. But then I've grown with it, apart from my neck. But other than that, we're all fine.

SPEAKER_03 5:54

I grew four inches when I was in hospital. Why? Dunno, thank you so much lying down. It must have been like I was in the grow bag.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Oh, maybe, yeah, because you're not putting any weight on your spine. Your spine's like, let's take this opportunity to um to stretch out and just keep stretching.

SPEAKER_03 6:10

And then I I chased a child one day and forgot I hadn't stood up for months and then just fell over like a sack of potatoes.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Oh, I would like I would like to I pay money to see the video of that.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Yeah, yeah. Well, this is the time where there was no videos. I was 17.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

The past. Why are you so tall, Amy? What's your experience?

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Did you lie down a lot? Madly made by mad. I'm madly made, madly put together. Yeah, I'm over six foot tall, but I d my dad's tall, but like not hugely tall. And my mum is just normal height. And I'm a I'm freakish.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Well, yeah, we are quite long ladies. How tall are you? Five'eight, I think. Oh five's eight, isn't it? We should call this the long the long time the long ladies.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

The long lady lovers. Long time lady lovers. That sounds like we'd solve crimes on Sundays. And make love on a Tuesday.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Like an elderly Craig David. Solved a crime on Sunday. We were making love on Tuesday.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

Sniffed some leather.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

We went to buy some socks. But not in the Rolly Down ones. Not the Rolly Down one ones. What have you been doing, please?

SPEAKER_03 7:16

I've been very, very social. What have you done?

SPEAKER_01 7:19

What have you done?

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Right, well, I did something unheard of that I couldn't tell you the last time I did it. It was where I I I saw more than one person in a day. Too much, that is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

It's too much effort. What did you do?

SPEAKER_03 7:33

So, first of all, I went for a had a bit of a nightmare with something. So then I went on a walk with a with a friend around the whole of the harbour, which was lovely. And then some friends had come down from Manchester, the two of them, and their lovely little dog called Dolly. Um, that's one of those I love the dogs that their tongues just are always stuck out. Oh yes. And she's like blind and shaking, and uh she's just like the cutest dog. And it was so funny. So we went to go in uh Mshed, the Bristol Museum, and um they said no dogs, but she's in a trolley because she can't walk. So then I said to the lady, can we bring her in? Because she's in a trolley, she won't cause any trouble. And the lady goes, No, only service dogs, and then I said, I'm deaf. She's my so then she goes, she goes, Are you saying that she's your service? But I feel like she was telling me to lie. Yeah, yeah. She was like, Are you saying that she's your service dog? And I was like, Yes. So then we botted around with it and then she liked walkie-talkie to all the other people in the museum, and then they're in a wheelchair, yeah, yeah. And then everyone kept coming up to us, so I thought they were gonna go, you can't be in here with a dog, but they were just like really nice. That's Bristol, isn't it? They were just like wanted to see the dog because she's so cute. But let me tell you this: no offense to little Dolly, but there's nothing she's servicing me.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

Do you know what I mean? She can pay. She can't even chew her own food.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

Imagine if she's there to be side like yeah, so I saw some friends, we went for some food. I oh the food was disgusting, but my friends seem to like it. Um that pub, I don't know what it's called, it's like a pub on the corner um of the whopping wharf. The what? The whopping wharf?

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Because it's all's made up, doesn't it? Yeah, it's like shipping containers made into like cafes and things.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

Why do people do this? No, but don't I technically live uh on an island? So apparently when it's like the we all do. No, no, no. It's called Spike Island where I live. What the fuck is it? Because everyone, everyone comes to me and they don't do the map w where it says avoid ferries, and then they've got like it's because technically, if you're coming from the other side of Bristol, like it's easier to get a little ferry to me. Honestly, because I've been told I've had letters through the post basic I I if when the marathon's on, I won't be able to leave in my car. I don't under I'm gonna have to look at a map, but I d I don't believe you.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

But it is true, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 10:11

But I d I don't particularly understand it myself. That is sort of land that connects it, but not very much land.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Right. But what was my point with that? Something about you went to the pub.

SPEAKER_03 10:23

You went to the and I had I had a hot dog and without well weren't it? Which is the hot and which is the dog? Because what the dog is the mead. So the hot is the bun.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

The hot must be the bun, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:36

Oh my god, did I ever tell you about once when I went to I was at college and then I went to I'd do a shift at TK Mat's the evening shift when I worked there, and then there was like a hot dog man outside the um the shop, and then so I I had a quick hot dog, bit into it, and then the the sausage flew out and then it fell in in True, where I'm from, there's like uh like drains with river, like little streams like on like in the town, and it just my sausage just flew out, landed in the stream and floated away. Oh, that's so sad.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Yeah, so sad. I I thought why does people that sell food? I'll keep seeing the man in town, Birmingham, he sells corn. That's well popular. But I've never in my life gone, oh I fancy a hot corn pot. Who's eating it? Buttery corn. Yeah, but it's not even on a knob, it's in a pot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

It's really weird. And it comes with like money laundering. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Maybe it's but I think if I'm gonna money launder, I might at least have something people want to buy.

SPEAKER_03 11:38

They sprinkle like um Cheese. Cheers.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Oh, yeah. You're meant to have things that people aren't gonna buy though, because you don't really want to run it as a success successful building. I used to live above a cashino, which was like a slotters. Shit slot machine arcade. Oh. Right next to Goose Street Station in London. So it's like really like on Tottenham Court Road. Oh, I was there this week. And it was like prime, prime retail space, and it was this shit, disgusting slot machine arcade that no one was ever in. And the guy who owned it owned my flat. Oh. It was really cheap because of that.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

I find that it's called Gooch Street and not Gooch Street this week.

SPEAKER_03 12:16

But the lady says we are now approaching Gooch Street, doesn't she?

SPEAKER_00 12:24

Yeah, Gooch. Oh yeah.

unknown 12:26

She doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Do you want to just think all right? I was like, I'm staying over because I'm doing something in London tomorrow and I'm doing this kicknight. And they were like, What's then? I said, Oh, towards Gooch Gooch Gooch Street, whichever the one the wrong one was, and they were like, No. Do you know what a Gooch is? And I was like, No, no, I'm not 100% sure. I think it's that bit between your arse owl and your fanny owl. The perineum. The peri peri perri chickenum. Perry peri delicious peri peri gooch. I'll eat the sweet corn from Lando's and keep very much.

SPEAKER_03 12:59

Yeah, so I think then, because you know in Hull they do chip spice, which is delicious. I feel like that's the sort of thing they put on the corn. Chip spice. That's sort of like a sprinkly paprikay thing. And that is delicious, like salty paprika.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

I'm not I'm not a fan of paprika. I must be honest with you.

SPEAKER_03 13:18

What what anything salty though?

SPEAKER_00 13:20

I do like a salt. Yeah. No, that's something else. A bit of salt and spice, so have a nice time. I've uh went to uh a gallery opening of uh Andy Hollingworth. Had his like phone not selling it very well. It's at the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery. They've got a uh he's he's got a uh a wing. A wing. I do I'm gonna say wing because it's massive. I've like all a lot of his uh photos. He's taken a lot of he's taken Harriet's photo. I was there. Yeah. Lindsay sent me.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

I was who was I above? I can't remember. Because I said, Body oh, I'm with them, but I can't remember who it was.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

No, nor me. Was it Victoria Wood? I think so. But it's this massive. And Andy was like, he took my photo ages ago and he was like, You're gonna be in it. And I thought it was gonna be like a little Polaroid, like ha Harriet's is is like a little and I thought that I walked around the corner, I saw Andy, he was like, Have you seen yourself? I went, I bet, how dare you? And he took me around the corner and there's this whole section of the room, and it's got all these like Birmingham icons like Joe Lyset, Barbara Nice, Jasper Carrott, like Frank Skinner, um Gary Delaney's there, like Stuart Lee, and then there and then me? There was me and like a massive like five foot, and I was so actually moved. No, no, I like over like like like moved, but also like fuck fuck fuck. I thought you're a Birmingham icon. Yeah, but that's what I mean. But I was like, fuck it, why am I? I shouldn't be on this wall. I'm not why am I on the wall? Why am I on the wall? It was probably freaking me out because I was then stood by my picture of people like can I have a picture of you with your picture? And I was like, oh god. Um it was very nice. I have got a tiny bit of food in my teeth though. No, in the picture, no one can see Harriet Kelmsley was there, she's so lovely. Um, it was just very, very overwhelming, and I felt uh odd. And then I was trying, I said to Andy, can I have this photo when you're finished with it? And he said, No, but it belongs to the Birmingham Museum, it was gonna go in the archives. So now I'm trapped in the Birmingham Archives forever, and that made me feel even more sick. But uh So what does that mean? It just means that I live in the Birmingham Museum forever.

SPEAKER_03 15:39

But what but but but when something's archived, it's not to the public anymore, it's an accomplished.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

They sometimes can put it on display, but they have it. I when I was the only time I've ever been in an exhibition was I was an early adopter on the adult ADHD train. So I an earlier what? Early adopter. I got diagnosed with adult with ADHD when I was like 23 or something. I like so I got diagnosed with adult ADHD and ADHD, and I not many people like adults were diagnosed with it then. So I joined this like adult ADHD um uh like mailing list and they emailed us so there was an art prize and you had to do a self-portrait of your life with ADHD, and the prize was a thousand pounds. Oh yes, this was in like 2007 or something. So I was like, fuck me, I want a thousand pounds. I was skin, I was like temping. So I thought I'm just gonna like I can't paint, but I'm gonna just get some get some paints from the works and got it at canvas and drew this, like painted this picture of myself standing by my dressing table in the mirror, like with my everything in chaos anyway. I didn't win, but I won second prize, I won 500 quid and a night in a five-star hotel in London. It was like run by a pharmaceutical company, and I took my friend with me, who was really ill at the time. She had like mental health, yeah, mental health problems, and she looked quite ill.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

And we went to this You did look ill.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Well, we went and stayed, we went and stayed at this um, so we went into this, like we were both like on the edge. We went to this um like gallery where they had this prize. We turned up and we were like clearly felt we'd been drinking before we went. This girl that we'd gone to school with was on the door. She was like, What are you doing? Looking at us. I was like, Well, I'm here for the Adelaide.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

I'm an artist!

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Anyway, we went, there was hardly anyone there. We got absolutely wankered on all the free booze. The guy who'd come first with this scouser, who'd also like hustled it, like me, and the guy who'd come third with his best friend, who was also this scouser, they were smoking weed the entire time. So me and those two, we got absolutely fucked. When they presented me to the prize, or with the prize, I got on stage and shouted, you all roll! Like off my head. And then we went by to the hotel and got really pissed with the two guys.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Oh, that was brilliant. Just swizzing. See, that's art. That's art, man. That's art, man. That's that's how you do it. That's Tracy Emin in a bed of shit or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

I never got that picture back, someone's got it.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

That's in the archives. In the archives, you're in the archives somewhere. That's been my work, really. I did that. Not really done much else. Just gigging, went to London. I did uh host co-hosted a radio show with um Oh my god. What radio show? What is his name? John Richardson. Oh wow. Why did I not remember his name? Oh, he's lovely. He's so nice and he's so sweet. He's just such a nice bloke. What radio show is? Absolute radio.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Oh, is he taken over from Jason? Jason used to do Donovan?

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Yes. Is it actually Donovan? Oh Manford. No, that's another that's on a radio edge. No, no, no. No, no, he's he's been doing it a while, I think. No, he hasn't. No, yeah, he has. Has he? Yeah. That must have been fun. He'd be great at that. It's lovely, it was nice, but it was quite stressful because it was like proper, proper live. And sometimes we have a bit of a delay, but this was like live, live. And all I was doing was don't don't don't call everyone a cunt. Don't do this, don't do that. But obviously, I know I don't do that anyway. Like but it was very stressful to not so it's going out like seven o'clock in the morning, and I'm like, and I had the shits, man, real bad. And I was had to say to the producer, I might just have to run off and have a shit. And um he was like, Yeah, it's fine, but just whatever you do, don't tell the listeners that you have to go for a shit. Just go. I was like, yeah. Well no, I didn't anyway because I've took six of Modium. Oh god, I haven't pooed since um Saturday. I went it's been for four days now. Oh no. Do you feel backlogged? I feel absolutely as as light as a feather if you could believe such a thing. Really? Yeah, it's got compacted. It's got compacted. Oh my gosh. It's gonna come out like a crushed car.

SPEAKER_03 20:07

That's my work in a nutshell. Well, so not only did I meet two people on one day, I uh well technically three and a dog. Yeah, we're not counting the dog, it's not very chatter. Fine. Uh and then I stayed at my friends for three days in London. Oh lovely.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

That's nice.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

And she also has a dog. So what? You don't get points for dogs. Yeah, so I did some gigs there. Um where were you giggy? Uh well, one was the one on uh Saturday. I was, oh my god, on the way there, so many flags. I thought, oh, I've I've been considering telling my agent if it's a flaggy area, no gig for Harriet.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Oh god, yeah. Well, Birmingham's full of them at the minute. They're having like little parties when they're taking them down, which is quite nice. They're getting they're all everyone's getting together and going, right, Tuesday, we're gonna have a little party and tear down all the flags. Oh which I'm enjoying.

SPEAKER_03 21:09

Someone needs to do this in Bogner Regis. There was, I've never known. There was like five flags up one m one pole.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

This is the thing people overpurchase, and you think there's not really that many flagpoles in around, so you're gonna have to use lampposts. There's not really that many lampposts in Bogner Regis.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

So it was the area of London that was flaggy.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Bogner Regis.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Oh, that's why I thought you were in London.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

I wasn't, I stayed with my friend in Kent. Oh, and it's flaggy, isn't it? But not her area, actually. Uh yeah. But um, so I had a nice time. All the gigs that I thought wouldn't be nice were nice, and the opposite. I did this one gig in Ipswich that that doesn't like the gig it's been going for a long time, but the guy that hosts it doesn't really host it. He'll say hello, hand some sweets. So introduce the act and you think bloodsy hell, absolutely wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Oh, great. But I think that's nicer because the audience know what they've probably been there for so long, they're just like get off, fuck off, get on with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What have you done, Amy? What have you been up to?

SPEAKER_01 22:14

I have a show at Bristol Vic, big show. That was great. I felt great. I was like, that's it now, ready for live at the Apollo. I'm a superstar, I'm amazing. And then I had a gig in Hey on Why, like two days later, where I'd sold like 50 tickets. It's fine. But everyone was lovely. No disrespect to Hey on Why. No disrespect to Hey on Why. They were lovely. Um but there's not many of them. But it was quite quiet. And it was that is what comedy's like, innit? Every time, every time you think you're onto a winner, the good lord keeps you humble.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Well, uh our producer Rich went to see you, and I won't spoil the ending for anyone who's gonna go, but he was a gog. He loved it. He loved it. He said that the ending was was uh wasn't expected, and he enjoyed it a lot.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

It's crude, but anyway, please come to my shows, everyone.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

I don't think it's crude, I think it's an artistic uh I wish I'd thought of that because you can claim that back on tat. No, they got given to me for free, they really did.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

The whole show is about it because she got hats.

SPEAKER_01 23:21

The whole show is about some adult items that got sent to me in the post um anonymously, and it's about that, but it's true. But and then I had some autour shows, and then I went to oh, just just in case anyone didn't no one would have picked that up.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Um, Rich has got uh what did you say, an apprentice with you?

SPEAKER_04 23:37

Rich has no no uh what we call it.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

No, she's just a trainee, another producer, and um he's just now he's just gone dildo dildo, holding his hands out to show their enormous yeah, Matthew Dildo.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Um yeah, no, no. Anyway, come to the show and you'll find out what it's about. But I should do with it, we just social week was I went, my daughters have been at each other's bloody throats. Yeah, it's been like gladiators, and um what you've got throw up the traveler. Yeah, I just go, get on with it, girls. Not the face, not the face, and then I leave the room. But they would be it's been really bad, and so I decided I needed to separate them for a day. So I took it's quite good they've got Selma's at nine now, so she's got to an age where we can do stuff that I like, which is like cosmetics and sitting down. Do you know what I mean? Synthetic, like facelift. Well, not that, but like I don't know, doing not a facelift, yeah. No you all with a facelift.

SPEAKER_03 24:43

She's like, what's she called? Not Jackie Chan, Jackie Stallone, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm Jackie.

SPEAKER_01 24:51

No, I'll give them a little hair braid and stuff like that. How is she dead now?

SPEAKER_00 24:55

God rest us, though. God rest us. Yeah, I'm Jackie. It's Jack. Oh my god, it's Jackie. Yeah, I'm Jackie. Yes, Jackie. I just got no idea what we're going on about.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I know, I do know what you're going on about. When we went on holiday, because my daughter is um big for her age, got her a swimsuit urgently. Like we realised that hard the swimsuit wouldn't fit her, so got a swimsuit urgently. But because it was like we were going on holiday and uh it was a bigger age. Wait, we didn't realise it had got like boob bits and they were like padded, like to hold your boobs in. And she was like crying. She thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world. They cried with laughter. She was like, look at my boobies! She thought it was so funny.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Fine by swimming costumes. So fucking annoying. Because I just want something that doesn't like if my costume if this it look why have we got low-coded swimming costumes? Like, I'm swimming, I don't want anyone to be peeping down at my titars. Like, I just want something that covers me up and and just fucking hell. I tried a swimming costume on once. There was to be about two inches of fucking material at the front. It looked like a bloody ham sandwich folded in on itself. I thought I can't wear this. Even though it's got the hygiene strip on it, I thought, who's fucking someone's gonna uh anyway?

SPEAKER_01 26:13

That's just my I just got plenty of pair of pants these days, and I don't know which way around to put them on.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

Well, that's what you always get once with the bow. This is what I say. You need a little bow at the front because sometimes, sometimes it's it's they are some funny uh I know I've had how do you manage?

SPEAKER_03 26:32

Because I'm quite long and I find uh swimming costume splits with a difference.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

That's what I mean. I can't wear a swimsuit, I have to wear a rubber cake.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Imagine being long now and slightly overweight. That's putting a lot of pressure on that material that's holding your undercarriage.

SPEAKER_03 26:47

Oh my god, my god! My friend's mum, the friend I stayed with uh last week, she went, she had to go back to Marks and Spencer's three times with the same swimsuit because there was something must have been awry. Her vagina was eating, like it it actually dissolved. What the material did appear?

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Yeah, dissolved three times. So she must have toxic weight down there.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Or acidic fanny, yeah. Acidic. Acidic fanny. Excuse me, my fanny's burning an owl and missing. What do you think that means? I think she's ill. Too many phone parties. Too many phone parties for that.

SPEAKER_03 27:29

I did a terrible a terrible thing. Um well not a ter well, so what happened was I I needed to do an I needed to do to do an Asda shop. So then I went on the Asda site and it said something to do with checkout, uh something not working. But I always go, I never think rules apply to me. No, no, I know you don't.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

So I just quite unnerving actually sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 27:56

So I just go, ah. Did it, nothing, and then it wouldn't let me check out, so I just like tried and tried again, didn't think much of it. Then that night I was at a gig, 19 emails came through about my shopping has been reserved. So I've I've accidentally ordered I've reordered like 19 times the same shop. When's it come here? So then I was like, you're bloody kidding me here. So then first thing you're bloody kidding me, yeah? First thing, Monday, this poor man comes in with a fleet of identical shopping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had to keep coming, I had to keep letting him in again and again because there was so much stuff. And I said to him, I said, God, you must have had this so many times today because the of the website. And he goes, No, you're the only one because everyone else just waited until it was fixed.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

And that was a real insight into normal person behaviour. It really is, yeah. Yeah, no, I would have done exactly the same.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Yeah, you would have as well, wouldn't you? Uh I would have, uh, yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

If a road's closed, I always have to drive up to just double check.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Yeah, that's what I do. Yeah. I'm a right, I'm a right twat for that. Yeah. I've got this road shop, I'm like, fucking prove it. Fucking prove it shot. But you're just saying that. And like I live here, look at my friend. Yeah, residents say yeah, fuck off. That bloodshed everyone else but me.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

That is you and someone else just having to reverse halfway in a ditch.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

I'm such a twat for that. That like school, I'm such a twat for that. If anyone from the school is listening, they're gonna know this about me because the other day, like, they've got an exit only at the school, they've got an entrance and an exit, and you're meant to do a one-way system, and I had to go in quickly, and I went tried to go in the wrong way, and she said it's one way, and I said, I just need to go in and talk to the teachers. She said, Well, this time, this time you can go. And I thought, and what I thought was, how are you gonna stop me? And it's my kids by me.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

I shouted at a man last week. I feel really well I didn't shout at him. David said I was firm. I was doing um, I was doing a gig at a football ground, and it was like a women, and there was like a pre-event that I was hosting. So I went and I did that with my friend, and uh it was really fun. Uh, and then there was a football game afterwards, women's football game. So we went to watch that, took May, took David, and I'd parked on the ground. And then when I and it got to half time, and May was being, oh, uh a little prick. Uh so she kicked my drink over, four pounds. She made too. Uh she was just being like, it's cold. And I was like, you know what? We'll go. It's fine. I'm not bothered. And we went to leave, and the guy barking the car park was like, uh, you go, you can't leave. He goes, we have to block the road off. And I said, why? And he said, we have to block the road off because of the traffic for the game. Uh so you can't leave till half an hour after the match. And I said, I said, no, I'm going. And he said, uh, he said, Well, I told you when you came in that you would and I said, and I just went, You did not tell me. I said, I've got to get to Leicester in an hour, which I didn't, I've got to get to Leicester, and I was here hosting this event, and you never told me. And he goes, It's a police cord, and and I was like, tell them to move. And then this other guy came over because he could see I was getting a bit irrayed. Um, I wasn't I wasn't shouting, I was just like, I'm gonna regardless of what happens, I should be leaving the car park with my child's mother and his just hold someone captive. No, they do, but apparently they had been telling people because I got there so early, they thought I was coming and going out. Um so the other guy was like, Look, I'll I'll radio because we don't normally do this, so don't do this again. I was like, How often am I gonna fucking drive to a football match? No, I'm not. So please let me out. Uh and then they did, but then I felt really bad about shouting at the map. But David said I didn't shout, I just changed my tone.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

But I would hate that. I'd be claustrophobic. Fuck off.

SPEAKER_03 31:56

But it's when people just like it's a complete it annoys me when people are like jobs worth, and it's like, well, no, do it because it's the road was literally blocked by police. But and he radioed it and it was fine. The world's not gonna end because it made me feel better.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

Yeah. Listener story. Who would like to do it? Not me. Oh, I don't think I've done one else there about.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

No, let Harriet do it.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

I'll let Harriet do it.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

Oh no, I'll let Amy.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

No, Harriet do it. I'll do it. I'm just gonna look at my phone.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

Okay, go on Amy. Don't do that, Amy. I met my husband's big boss. Right. Jack and he was an eight and a half stone five-year-old. Yeah.

unknown 32:34

Big boss, baby.

SPEAKER_03 32:35

For the first time. Uh I'm not shaming anyone's child that is eight and a half stone. It was me. No, I know, but I feel like I've accidentally body shamed then a child and a I wouldn't mean that. Look, sometimes it's just fat kids. Fat kids exist.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

I know, um us three, we're not we can't body shame anyone.

SPEAKER_03 32:51

Yeah. I was massive when I was uh there's a photo of me sitting in a paddling pool looking like a bookie with um with a bonnet. Mum said she had to put a bonnet on my head because otherwise you wouldn't know I was a girl. And um and I'm reading this fun newspaper.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

I look like I there's a photo of me on the year seven leader leavers party, and all the other kids, you're allowed to wear fancy dress, and all the other girls are dressed up as like the Spice Girls and Ace of Bass. And I'm that I'm a foot taller than everyone else, and I'm dressed as Axel Rose.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

I see that rock on.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Rock on.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

I met my husband's big boss for the first time at a work party. She reached out her hand, and I thought she was going in for a hug, so I hugged her. She did not hug back. Wow. I essentially hugged a fully extended arm and squashed it into her body. She looked a bit disturbed. This was two years ago, and I keep living it in my mind. Please help me get over it. Ha ha ha. That is on her. That's such a cunty thing. Why would you not hug back? Yeah. Don't who is it?

SPEAKER_00 34:05

How big is the big boss? Would like if you hugged Alan Sugar, do you think Alan Sugar would hug him back? Oh, I thought you meant how tall, like, so she just hugged a leg.

SPEAKER_03 34:15

Kissed her toes.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

No, no.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

No, I don't know, I don't know what I'd do. Yeah, I think because I actually did a similar thing once when I worked in TK Maxx. I slept with this guy after It's not similar to hugging the car. No, it is, it definitely is. So I slept with this guy in the car park and then again. No, no, just let me speak for the love of man. So then, so that and then he came into TK Maxx with like 20 children, and I was like, Yeah, and then he he I thought he was going in for a hug. Um, and then so I hugged him, even though it was so awkward and eggy, and he was reaching for a golf bag on the show.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

But how this is what I mean, how have how have you got over that? We clearly haven't, because it's ingrained in your mind. Yeah, it's just so awkward. But but I often think about if I try and remember something embarrassing that someone else has done, I can't think of anything. So they're probably not even thinking, like, he's never thinking of you again. What an interesting thing. That's what I when I think, oh my god, I did that, and I go, well, actually, if you try and think of anything anyone else has ever done embarrassing, you can't think of anything. Like if I try and think of something specifically you've done, apart from ringing up Papa John's and going, Hello, Papa, are you in? That was the only that's the only thing that springs to mind for you. That was actually really funny. Excuse me, Papa, I've got vegan cheese. Because we smelled it down the road.

SPEAKER_03 35:41

I wasn't happy with that at all. And that but John, the pesky rat, he so John, John, John we used to do the podcast with he gaslit us, told us that he did order a vegetarian pizza without the vegan cheese, and but he was a liar. Yeah, that's it. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 35:58

So I ran and said, Papa. Nothing else to add to that. Papa, I need to speak to Papa John, please. There's been a terrible crime. And uh it was disgusting.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

Oh, disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

Did we order another one? Disgusting. Disgusted. Anyway, that's my my advice is if you were like, oh my god, that was so embarrassing, just try and think of something embarrassing someone else's done.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

I cringe so many times a day thinking of something like years and years ago.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

I think that she that the the person that you hugged, they should be embarrassed because I don't think you I think those sorts of situations are a bit stressful anyway.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

I mean imagine if it was like the queen, you like the queen put her on it, you hooked. Oh, that's an offence, criminal offence. You can't be touching the queen. Well she's dead then.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

She might have gotten though once I was at Bristol O'Veic and I was like rehearsing something, and uh the Queen came to visit Bristol O'Vic. And I knew she was coming that day because it was like just a royal visit. And there's loads of fan things. And I thought, oh, maybe I'll meet the Queen. And they said, they said to me, Oh, actually, we forgot to put you, we forgot to put you on the list for security clearance, so we need to lock you in the basement. I'm not joking, this really happened.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

I mean, I don't know how to say this, but I don't think the Queen ever came. I think they were just fucking locking you in the basement. So they're all there like quasi modo but upside down, and you're like scratching at the ceiling, like nickel!

SPEAKER_01 37:24

And we can hear it all happening upstairs in the big royal reception, and there I was with the two people as we can locked in the basement.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

Amy's in the basement, Harriet's not got any got vegan cheese, and that's the end of the show.

SPEAKER_03 37:36

But that's uh I think she should be uh ashamed of herself, not you.

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Who the woman with the hug? Look, just don't just carry on. That's what I think. I feel I feel sick all the time. Sometimes I remember coming out of a toilet at work, and sometimes I pull faces to myself because I'm having conversations and I'll go, um uh one of the big manned, big, big directors was walking past, and she went, Are you alright? And I just was like, Oh no, I was holding a sneeze. Um, but that stayed with me forever. Um, but that woman has probably never thought about me since.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

I did a gig the other day in front of a children's TV presenter. Which one? I'm not gonna say because I'm not gonna say a C Bebies presenter. Okay, and he was Nigel, he was the third row of my gig, and it was really brightly lit. I love it. And it was a chung, and it's really filthy. The material I was doing was so filthy, and he was staring at me with his angelic face. I felt like I was performing something about dildo's to Jesus, and I was so thrown. And when I came off stage, he said, Oh well done, that was you know great. And I hugged him again. I hugged him, but I don't know him. I hugged him, he looked sort of slightly taken aback. Yeah, the whole thing was horrific. I still making me want to die now.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

I um did a good one of the Dragon's Den peoples on the front row. What Deborah Meadow? No, the bloke, Giorgio. I don't know, he does a podcast, Stephen Bartlett, yeah, and he literally sat through my whole set looking like this. And I did a bit when I kicked my leg in the air and I said, Oh, sorry, I think I winked at you, and then I went, for that reason, I'm out. And uh, he did not like it. Um Lizzie, that's so funny. I know, but he was just like I think he was scared, not scared, but like for fuck's sake, you must get all the time. Look at the podcast, come on, guys. Come on, guys. Leave a review and like and shy, and and go on the website, put some things in www.socialmoffs.co.uk uh and and follow us on Instagram. I mean, if you're listening, you probably already are following us Instagram. So tell someone else. Tell don't touch me, plant.

unknown 39:48

Fucking plant.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

Spread the word. Spread the word. All the best. Take care. God bless. See you later. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 39:55

Wait, stop! No! Who's the social moth? Me.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Me, and I did like fuck off. Two dogs. Two dogs. Excuse me. Two dogs. Two dogs, Harry. Dogs die.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

Oh my god, do you know? No.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Sorry.