Help the lady in the street

In this episode, we’re back with the chaos that is Social Moths, hosted by Amy Mason, Harriet Dyer and Lindsay Santoro for another completely unfiltered catch-up on life, comedy and everything in between.

The conversation quickly spirals into festival memories, dream gigs, and why seeing bands when you’re slightly too drunk and freezing cold somehow makes it better. There’s also a deep dive into show ideas, poster concepts, and the pressure of naming a comedy show without immediately regretting it.

We get into everything from disastrous DIY attempts (including a truly traumatic glue incident), chaotic road trip energy, and the return of the infamous Donkey Lady (yes, it’s exactly as strange as it sounds). There’s also chat about learning sign language, competitive shuffleboarding, and the very real struggle of staying awake during your own social plans.

Elsewhere, things take a turn into Sims gameplay, D&D characters, and the questionable ways Lindsay entertains herself when she’s avoiding real life. Plus, a story about a mysteriously “delicious” smell that turns out to be anything but.

There’s also a listener dilemma about a workplace mug thief that sparks a very passionate (and wildly unhelpful) discussion on passive-aggressive revenge.

As always, it’s chaotic, honest and completely unapologetic, with plenty of oversharing, bizarre tangents, and the kind of conversations that probably shouldn’t be recorded… but thankfully are.

If you’re here for laughs, relatable chaos, and a podcast that feels like being in the group chat, this one’s for you.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hello, thanks so much for joining us today on Social Moths. You are gonna have a lovely time. My name is Amy Mason and uh I'm here to tell you just before we get started that I am currently on tour around the UK. I'm gonna like 30 cities, towns, and villages all around the UK, probably somewhere near you, and I'd love to see you there. The show's about me uh getting something unexpected in the post and trying to work out where it came from. Um come bring your friends, bring your mum, bring your husband if you must. Anyway, uh let's get started. Welcome to Social Moths. Rollin', rolling, rolling, rolling.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Richard, the magic clock, Richard. Otherwise, we will we'll never leave. I'd like to watch Limp Bizkit. They're on at download, you know. Um are they doing the Friday? And I really want to go, but I'm I'm I thought they did it last year. They did it all the fucking time. Oh really? I'd love to see them. One of my favourite memories of being at gig was uh with my friend Cherry and my I was staying we were staying in the disabled camp because my friend had broken her leg. My friend had broken her leg, so we were right near this the we were not near everything, and I was camping with my friend Cherry and her husband Ratty and Ratty. Ratty. Oh, his skating name is Rolling Rat. She's playing Roller Derby with him. I used to love Rolling Rat. Rolling Rat looks like Rolling Rat.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

You word that so up your streak. Rolling Rat.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

We love Rolling Rat. Anyway, I don't know what happened, but my friend who had crutches and a broken leg disappeared for half the day. Um, Ratty disappeared, we couldn't find him, but Cherry had his wallet, so me and Cherry got really drunk. We watched Rob Zombie and then um not Limp Biscuit, it was Lincoln Park, but I remember we were so far at the back of the hill, and we were do you know when you're so pissed, you're just like this is wonderful. It was freezing cold, and we were literally rolling on the floor, hugging each other, listening to curling in muskin. And I was like, God, I hope my friend breaks a leg every year. Um I wish she breaks like every year. But uh that was my favourite. But I'd I would love to go and see Limp Biscuit. And Lincoln Park's on again, that's what I was Oh, I'd be up for that. Yeah, I think I'm gigging, which is sad, but Yeah, I'd love to.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Keep rolling, rolling. He had this version of rolling rolling with DMX and Red Man, maybe. Oh yeah. And it was it it's called the Urban Assault Mix, and it's like drum and bass. Oh, it's just fantastic, but it's quite aggressive. I once played it with the kids and they were traumatised. Good.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

Hello and Oh, sorry. I didn't know we were starting. I can't spread my wings because I'm indoors.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Social moths.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Hello and welcome to Social Moths, where we are social but awkwardly Harriet.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

You look like you're trying to physically move away from the mic as you.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Yeah, I I creaked my back.

unknown 2:51

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Such a creaky back. I'm Harriet Dyer.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

I am a small woman who lives in a Mediterranean village selling tomatoes. I'd love to have Mediterranean and who else is here? Our tomatoes here are so just they just taste cold. Oh, yeah. I like a I like a Sometimes a vine will sort you out. A tomato abroad is the best tomato. Yeah. But I remember eating one and slipping down a some stairs on a boat.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

Um, why were you on a boat in down some stairs? Oh, I'll tell you in a minute. A busty Bristolian beauty. Yeah. A babe. Yeah. A mil midlife babe. A midlife babe. A m M MILF. A Melfi.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Um Man I love frogs. Have you seen those t-shirts? MILF. Man I love frogs.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

I like mushrooms I'd like to forage. I've seen that one. And there's the mushroom man. Have you seen him at festivals? He makes mushrooms out of wood. Uh he's always a green man. He's this old guy, and he like whittles mushrooms out of wood.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

Oh, there's a wood whittler by me. And like, I want to stop. And David says no, because you'll end up getting fucking whittled. Whittled away.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

My mum whittled before she died, and she's got I've got this little mouse uh thing that she whittled, and then and then there's half a duck, and my brother goes, Do you want me to finish whittling it? And I said, Are you mental? No, it always has to stay half whittled because that's how she left it. That is beautiful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

I fell down the stairs on a boat anyway. Um I ended up on an 18 to 30s holiday. Well, this week. No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

This was your Oh no, you still talked about the 18 to 30s holiday, but you fell down the on a boat.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

So why were you on stairs on a boat? Because we've gone on a booze cruise. Oh, in the water.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

Yeah, no, so we were on the stairs and we were sat on the balcony and I went downstairs and I had very loose flip-flops on, and just like all the way down on my arm. This tomato's nice.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

You know, the on the radio the other day it played, and you know there's no words. Yeah, yeah. So the words are just people just made up the words to go with the tune.

SPEAKER_03 5:12

I do love. There were songs, I'm sure it didn't if it still happens anymore in the 90s where there were theme tunes that feel like they had words that didn't have words, like blind date, blind date, blind date, blind date, blind date, blind date, and 999, 999. No? Oh, so you're looking at me like I'm fucking mad.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

You know what I mean? The bill as well, like here comes the bill. They are walking now. They're walking along, they're policemen. Go. I like Jurassic Park.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

We are diners, lovely dinosaurs. He does. It's his thing, Nick Mohammed. Oh, yeah, he's he sung that on um I didn't nick that from him. No.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Well, no, don't sue me, Nick. But I'm just saying, if he's listening, he isn't. I was thinking of show names from a new show, and I and my uh agent suggested Show pony, and I said, I think someone else has that. And it was Nick Mohammed. So maybe that's me. Does he really do that? Is that his thing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Yeah, he did it on Kat's Does Countdown. Yeah, he did. Really?

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Oh, me, because we me and my friends did that years ago. He stole it off you.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

He stole it off us. Yeah, we just think there's a video of it on the internet, in fact.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Harriet needs to steal it off, something off him.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

We're gonna steal off him.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Uh roller skating. Have you ever seen him do magic? Because wasn't he trained to be a magician? I've never met the man. I've never met him, but I've seen his show where he was a magician and it was fantastic. He actually escaped from water.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

I hate magicians. So not hate magicians, I hate magic. I find it really I find it fucking magic. I don't mind certain types, but when people are like it genuinely is magic, I'm like, it's fucking not mad.

SPEAKER_03 6:59

They're just a real nerd, aren't they? They're the nerdiest men in the whole world.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

Okay, who shook my hand once and gave me a false thumb? So one of the comedians was doing hand magic and he said, look at my thumb, and then he said, Grab my thumb, and then he it was a fake thumb, and I and he was like, ooh, and I was like, come give a fuck.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

I once saw this man, he I was in Westside Story at the time. What? And then there was a guy that was a jet or a shark? Uh I was Diesel, so who was that? When you're a jet jet. I was a jet.

SPEAKER_04 7:29

Who do you sing? Not really. Well, you're a jet.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

You're a jet. Oh, don't wait from your first cigarette to your last I was really ill at the time. How old?

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Mentally, physically?

SPEAKER_00 7:43

Both. Yeah. Um uh first year of college.

SPEAKER_03 7:47

And you were in it and you sung the song? Yeah. I would pay so much money to see that.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

What are we talking about? We got a video of it. Wouldn't we? No. So, and anyway, Riff, uh, head of the Jets, he uh said he knew a little bit of magic and he made my watch spin round.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

See, that interests me. But how did he do that? Must have had a magnet or something.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

Yeah, yeah. Or a shit watch. No, but it was my watch. Yeah, I'm saying it's a shit watch. Excuse me. Excuse you. Excuse us. Shove it up your ass. What were we saying before that? Woodwitlin. I don't know. No, it's shit magicians. Um, Nick Mohammed. We've all stolen things off Nick Mohammed by accident. Or haven't. We haven't really. We that was it. What is your show going to be called when you should? Um it was like that when I got here.

unknown 8:36

Oh, good.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

I couldn't think of anything I just put. Oh, I like that other one you said. Which one? Imagine if I tried. I know, but the thing is, I have to always think if there's a reviewer. And they go said that. It doesn't matter. Imagine if she did try. Yeah, no, but I I don't mind that. Nobody really cares what your show's called, do they? No.

SPEAKER_03 8:55

My daughter saw me, saw a picture of me when I was young looking really cool. And she said, look at you in that old picture. I was like 17. You look like a cool pop star lady, and now you're just little old you.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Ah Little old you what I thought.

SPEAKER_03 9:08

Little old me.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Little old me. Little old me. Little old me. Little old lady. What's your new shoe gonna be called? New shoe? What's your new shoe gonna be called?

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Oh no, I'm doing my old show, aren't I? No, yeah. Actily distract.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

I'm worried about that actually, but anyway. Uh the my next show is will be called Brain Food.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Yeah, why?

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Because I want a picture of me inside my head eating my brain at a table.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Barry Harriet Dyer. Bang on. Case closed.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

I don't know what to do with my poster. I quite like me lying on a sofa. What's it called again? It was like that when I got here.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

Oh, so like you're just saying what about with an atomic explosion behind you?

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Yeah, so yeah. Like lying on a sofa in a fancy dress and there's all shit going on behind me.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

No, I reckon your face is in the explosion, like the telly tubby sun. Like that.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

I want to do my new show about the Wizard of Oz. About the bit in the Wizard of Oz where the world goes technicolor. It's very specific. Yeah, yeah, it is. But it's all gonna be about that, and I'm gonna try and recreate that magic with the audience. That's like the the conceit, which is impossible to do. I was gonna call I thought I called it under the rainbow, which is quite because it's like me being depressed. But there's something else called that. I think I might call it Amy Mason in full colour.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Do you know what? I had I didn't have to go to this, but that my daughter's been um integrated into the rainbows. You know, you've got like girl guys brownish rainbows, and um I don't remember doing this, but we had to get there 15 minutes before the end of rainbow session, and what they do is they stand up and say, Oh god, I can't even remember what she said. It was something like learn from laughing and no, they don't do that anymore. Oh, Lavo Bay and Charis. No, it's not even that, it's more like laps, it's like just laugh and have a nice time and learn. And then they have to skip through a rainbow. And I thought, my god.

SPEAKER_03 11:01

I had to go round and round and round and look in like a little mirror, and there was like a little papyamache toadstool. And I said, like, I'd say you know Well, you're using four fingers, no, that's two minutes. Do the thing and the queen and bathe the queen and God. Bathe the queen.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Bathe the queen. Bathe the queen, bathe the queen. Spongy the queen. I reckon Camilla wouldn't mind a sponge.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Oh, I don't like her.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Oh, I don't like a sponge of bathroom. But if you asked if someone was like, I'll give you a million quid, but you've got a sponge bath, Camilla. Oh, I would. A million, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:37

I'd do it for like 500 quid.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Undercarriage?

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

But can I use one of those, you know, the with the handle and the sponge that you do the dishes with?

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Of course you can. Well, the ones you fill with with Ferry Nick with. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Yeah. Oh, with these all rich with sausage fingers.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

Oh, his sausage's all his fingers always make me want to have a fucking sausage sandwich. Whenever I look at them for too long, you know when you watch a cooking program and you go, Well, I fancy that now. Like when you're watching um like bake-off and that, and like, oh fancy that.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

You get attracted. Tell them about your car and the squirrel.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

What? Yeah, the Oh the sausage. Yeah, weird things set me. I remembered this is a long time ago. I was driving, well, David was driving me into town and my mum, and the car smelled of like boiling the bag beef gravy. I can't really describe it. I was like, oh, that's nice. Um, and then when we got into town, I was like, I really want a carvery now. But we didn't, we went back and it's and I thought that the smell was coming from outside the car, but it just followed me all the way home. And then I was like, I've got to have a carver. I desperately need a carvery because this smell's gone into me. I need the carvery. Still the beef smells following me, and that my brother came round and he had a look in the bonnet, and he was like, There's a fucking dead, something's dead in there. Um and it it looked like a squirrel had got in and just it's been cooked essentially, but it smelled fucking gorgeous. Um and then I drove to Bristol and my car broke down, um, and the AA man was like rooting around saying the battery was fucked apparently, but what it was as he was moving the battery, this little bone fell out, and I thought, oh, he's revenge. Can you eat squirrel?

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Oh we can. Yeah, my mum once brought home a flat-packed squirrel. What do you mean a flat pack? Sorry, vacuum. Why? What? She always go to the farmer's market and just get mental things. I really want a squirrel then. I think it's made up for because there was a good load of years where we didn't eat meat because of foot and mouth. Why did you eat a squirrel?

SPEAKER_03 13:46

I don't know really. I can't remember, but I imagine so. There's a woman on uh on my Instagram who ate squirrel jerky. That's very bristle, isn't it? Wild squirrel jerky.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

I'm gonna try and get some squirrel, I think. I won't bother with all it. What have you done this week? Come along now.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Let's let's keep to the side. Oh, I had a bloody nightmare with um I bought this lamp that I really liked, and then um it came and then I fitted it together wrong, and then I needed to pull it out. Is this the lamp that looks like a squid? No, it's called the wiggle lamp. And oh so I've slotted it in, realised I slotted it in wrong, so then pulled it out and the fucking ding, it's all split and bits have flo flown off. So then I went to the um pound land to get some glue to glue it back together.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Where did you get it from?

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Dunalm.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Take it back to Dunalm!

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Well no, because I did that.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Would you tell them it was?

SPEAKER_00 14:43

Well definitely can't now. No, you've glue it. So so then I uh bought some glue. If you are a glue maker and listening, what are you playing at? This glue was so if I'm getting super glue, why would it why would it not be like sort of not toothpaste consistency, but not dribbly? I glued my fingers together, then I glued my so I put a lump of the lump on the base, then I got my fingers glued, this hand glued together, this finger glued to the it dribbled down, they glued the bit to the base, and then my fingers to the bit. I was like, you're bloody kidding it. Then I will the the smell almost knocked me out because I'm hoofing the fucking and I can't put the lid back on because my fingers are like a fucking Sebastian the crab. So then, so then I was like, You're bloody kidding me. So then eventually I pulled the bit off of the base, it's taken all the paint off. So then I've got a chunk out of the base, I've then got it was just an is your skin still can I feel your fingers? Oh, it's the literally all yesterday I was I peeled it all off. Oh, okay. It's everywhere. So then um, and then I was like, well, now the lamp has got like big white bits in it because it's pink. Uh and then uh I was like, well, what am I gonna do with that? How am I gonna find paint to cover that up? Then I remembered I was gonna do a social media media video where I was a brain, so I'd bought brain coloured lipstick. So I just put the lipstick on. What the fuck is brain coloured lipstick? Well, the colour of a brain. This sort of colour. Oh yeah, that's yeah. So so uh so I just put lipstick on it, but it's just very and it's all the glue is run down and it's just very annoying. Can you sand it off and paint it with a nail varnish?

SPEAKER_03 16:35

Maybe. I've got sticky stuff remover, but it's probably too dried for that.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

You can use um But why was the glue so runny?

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Because it's glue! No, glue's uselessly. Let's go back to the start. Where did you buy it from? Poundland? Done. No, the glue. Oh, pound land.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

There we go. Four tubes for a pound, I thought was that.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

Well there we go, here we go. We're picking apart the mystery. Why is it so shit? It's from Poundland.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

My hands were glued together. So you've not been social, you've just been gluing your. Oh no, that's just a different story. I have been very so. Yeah, last night I went to uh Donkey Lady is back from Australia.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Because this donkey lady has not been discussed at all in this podcast. Harriet's donkey lady. Harriet's got a friend who's a donkey lady. We've done it previously when we did our other five podcasts that were so bad we've never sent out. Harriet's friends with the lady who looks after donkeys. Harriet told us she does donkey therapy. A donkey therapy, my apologies. And it's it does seem to sound like a beautiful job. Harriet told us that one of the donkeys doesn't have a bum hole.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

Yeah, it was born without a bum hole, so then it had to get all and it was pulling out its willy.

SPEAKER_03 17:45

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Yeah, that's basically where we And then so she had to get his the pipe from the bum connected to the willy, and then um uh she had to do that. Did she have to Oh the no, you'd have to get a vet to do that or a surgeon. So then pop down pan landing by pipe like four for a pound. Why is it not working? And then um but then she has to ever since finger the donkey's arsehole to to so it doesn't grow over. And then she thinks it now enjoys it. Anyway, so she's she's been in Australia. She can't with the donkey, yes, no, uh she the oh she's got two donkeys that are due to come back, but they haven't been able to uh America, Texas, with cowboy hats and boots. And then um but they haven't been able to come back because obviously flights and stuff at the minute. No, it's there's a wonderful.

SPEAKER_03 18:42

Why are they in America? They're donkeys, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Because it's the biggest donkey in the world or something. What the fuck? She's in Australia. No, she's bat from Australia.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Why did she go to Australia?

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Uh she's from New Zealand and her parents live in Australia. Okay, but why are we getting donkeys from America? Uh because she as part of her therapy, uh, her um the donkey therapy, the d she wants the it's the biggest donkey in the world. It's a distraction. What were we talking about her for? So Oh, you saw she's getting very big donkeys to come to the U.S. Oh, one big donkey, one little donkey, and then one I think his bumholes now are fine. One bad bumhole, one little donkey, one big donkey. Yeah. All walked into the big bar.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

Take you pick, one of them will suit you. The biggest donkey in the world is coming to Western Supermouth. Well, Castonbury.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

Yeah, but not at the minute because of the flights. So it's up to How big is it? I don't know, I'd say 16 feet. Hands? What?

unknown 19:44

I've just made that up.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

So you saw Donkey Lady.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Yeah, so I saw her. Uh we did shuffleboards and I I was she loves shuffleboarding. It's it's just great to do an activity. I really want to do it, yeah. And then uh, but I really um I really struggled with darts and I got I sometimes I think I get a bit um I think I got a bit of a sore loser last night. I was a bit very angry because I just aren't getting better. And then um but was good at the shuffleboards. Uh what else was it? And yeah you never guessed what she got me. An asshole? No, I've got a sufficient one, thank you. No, she got me a um uh me and her are gonna learn sign language. Oh yes, in a folder with a thing to and we're gonna do it together so we hold each other accountable. That's nice. Isn't that lovely? That is. Yeah, I was quite moved actually. Oh. Yeah? So I'm gonna be fluent in the dream is to do a gig and sign it as I'm going.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

There's uh Mr. Mr. Tumble does Mackaton.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Oh, I thought you were gonna say Ray What's his surname? Bradshaw. I was gonna say O'Leary, but not him. He's wonderful, but in a different way.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

No, um Mackon Marvin did that when he works. Mackon, because you did it where I used to work. Mackaton for for kids it's a bit not simpler, but it's just simp it's just the word, the word. But uh sign language is I'd like to do it. People have uh accents with their hands and it's like what like so like say I don't know, like if you do like you might go, thank you, but like I might go thank you. Like like I can't really like my my friend was telling me, like, they have different dialects of hands in like America and like yeah, it's very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

So it's like with word you have uh English, American, and I guess it's a bit like that, but yeah, it's fun in it, bit bit str bit, bit unusual, bit unusual.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

I have done nothing apart from I went to TK Maxx with my daughter. We went to Hangrove Retail Park in South Brussels. Oh, did you? And uh we had a lovely day out, actually, me and her. Um we had a great day out. We went to TK Maxx, we went wild. I we bought her she's nine and a half. And we bought just loads of just like I bought her like uh sort of like leisure cohort like tops and trousers, like a cropped pink hoodie and track seat bottoms and other like loads of other tops and trousers. We had a lovely time. Then we went to Subway, ate some food that smelt like a bin, but we had a lovely time. Then smell of Subway. It doesn't smell nice, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 22:24

The thing your fingers, the fat your fingers smell so s it's really difficult to get the smell off after.

SPEAKER_03 22:29

It was pretty gross. Then we went to Pets at Home, looked at the guinea pegs, loved that. Peacocks, forgot peacocks existed. Love that.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Peacocks in uh in pets at home.

SPEAKER_03 22:42

No.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Yeah, all the pets are wearing polyester. All the pets at the home.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

Oh, you were about the shop. I thought you were like there were peacocks in pets at home.

SPEAKER_03 22:55

I wish there were.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Beautiful birds, horrible noise. That's me.

SPEAKER_03 23:02

I'm a bit scared of a peacock. I'm not sure about peacocks.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

We always used to go on holiday to Barmouth with my lun and grandad because they had a caravan there, and then they sold their caravan, and then they used to rent this caravan that was in the f in a field in the middle of a farm. Like it was literally a caravan in a field, and the farm was over there. But the farm also had peacocks, so every now and again you'd just wet hear something go-da-doong on the top of the caravan and then go the peacocks on the road.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

But you know, it's the the male peacocks and the wonderfully coloured ones, and the the other ones, pea hens. Pea hens? They're just brown and look rubbish.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

This is what I feel about with mallards, because the mallard ducks are the blokes, they've got the shiny heads. Don't be horrible. Share the shiny heads. I want a shiny head. I want a beautiful one.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

I love a shiny head.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

So, what have you been doing then? Um I did some chore support. I've been playing on the Sims a lot. I've been making pick me. I made me and Harriet on the Sims. I was gonna make us lesbian vampires. I was gonna make the only, but I can only handle two Sims at a time. I get very overwhelmed. Um but Harriet Sim is not interested in me at all, unfortunately. And also does not want to be a vampire. I've never played Sims. I do enjoy I feel I think that uh The Sims 2 is my favourite. I like that. I also like What's it up to? It goes up to four. This like it used to be, you just had a Sim and they didn't age up or anything like that, and then Sims 2 they could age up and die, and then Sims 3. There's just too many fucking options. You can I've got all the not all the extension packs, but I've got the vet one and the the go on hology one and what's the other one? I've got the magic one. Magic. There's like you can be I thought it was like wizard, it's like Harry Potter, it's fucking boring. Uh one where you can have a English village and have a cow. But yeah, so far me and Harry are just uh Coexisting. Coexisting. I'm trying to cause some drama, but there's not. I do like when I get this is it, I've not got bored of it yet. When I get bored, I start killing people. I start using all the cheats and just setting people on fire and just just having my. No, I'm not gonna set you on fire. Thanks, Lillian. Well I would but wouldn't tell you about it, so I'll just do that. Yeah, you can yeah, just um just try and get I think what I might do with yours is get yours to shag everything. I might do that. I might you can become the the the lady over the night of the village. Oh look, Harriet looks pleased. Yeah, she does look pleased with it.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

SPEAKER_02 25:26

Yeah, I think that's what I'm gonna do. And then I wasn't very well because I had uh a fat period, so I spent to go see my friend and I just thought I can't be bothered. Because uh sorry, Rich. Um So you lived you lived your life through The Sims instead? Well I didn't even live my life through The Sims because my husband was like, You want to come to the shop?

SPEAKER_01 25:42

And I was like, fuck off.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

Um he said that in The Sims. No, no, I've not even made David in The Sims.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

I'd be feeling a bit like that.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

I've had my parents, do you think we just started sinking? I fucking hope not. Mine's all over the shop. They still haven't found my ovaries, Amy. My ovaries have I'm gone. I'm not really too bothered. I want a hysterectomy. Bring forth the dry fanny. Yeah, my mum's putting estrogen on her face. That's another story.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Um well, you need, you know, when you have a book and and then there's like a string that you put down to keep your page. I feel like you need to put that on your ovary so you can keep track of it. Like a toddler rain. Yeah, yeah. Pull it back in. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

Like the uh string on a helium balloon, have a little weight on the end.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

My party favours are flying away. And then on Saturday, um I was really, really tired because I'd done some stuff in the morning and I didn't sleep the night before because I was staying in London again. And then on Saturday I have my mates over, which is and we play like a dungeon, it's kind of like Dungeons and Dragons, but it's more loose. And uh my character, we're on like episode eight now, so my character is called Scylla B. Black. Uh I'm based on Scylla Black, and I'm a mafia mob boss. We've all got different characters. That's cool. I really like it, but it but it got to like 11 o'clock, and I don't know what happened, but my brain just went.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

I've had an like I've never read it before, and I was just like, I cannot physically stay awake anymore. Lindsay, you say you've never had it before. When we did that uh werewolf game in Edinburgh, it like ran late, and then you just completely checked out and started lying on the floor, and the game wasn't even finished. You just didn't I do that, yeah. You just had enough and just lay on the floor and said that this needs to be over.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Actually, I do that all the time. Sometimes I do when I was met Ivo Graham's DJ about Orse said that my set was gonna be half an hour late, and I said, Well, I'm going out, and he said, You can't. I was like, I'm going out. I I don't know, I'm doing I'm going. Yeah, you just you check out. I can't. My my brain, when it's tired, I need to sleep, and it will just go fuck off, like to me, and fuck off to everybody else. If you're if it's not going, but it wasn't anyone's fault. I just literally was like, I still hadn't had a poo.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

So I was like, What? Oh I think we're at a stage now where this is alarming. I'm no, I haven't.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

We need the donkey lady. We need the donkey lady thing on my bumhole, and um my god, when it did come out, it was like a plug. Oh sorry, but I felt so I feel better anyway, it didn't really bother me.

SPEAKER_03 28:17

But I was super tired, needed a shit. I'm picturing like one of those log flumes, you know, they're like shaped like a little log.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

No, it was more like tipping out a bin bag. Oh like it was there were solid fits in it. Oh like the food recital thing. The food recital enough about that. Um, but it was it's it's a shame because everyone was in my house and I was just like I can't, I've got to go. I said, You carry on playing if you want, because David was there and he obviously lives there too. Uh because he's my husband. And then I just said I've got to go to bed. And I just went straight to sleep. And then uh And so did they stay? No, because they were like, No, we're gonna go. Because it's weird that you're upstairs asleep.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

And I was like, well I don't think that's weird. No, I was like, I've everyone drinking, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

So I was like, just stay. Yeah. Have a nice time. But they didn't want to, because apparently I am the life and the soul of the party. That was Cherry and Ratty were there as well. Cherry and Ratty. Love a bit of Cherry and Ratty. It's nice to have friends where you can just like you don't have to give them a tent. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Yeah, but I'm like that with everyone and you probably are too. Yeah, you exactly. See you you wouldn't not be like that with anyone, seeing as you did it in front of an audience, a studio audience out of this.

SPEAKER_02 29:29

I can't remember this. Did I genuinely lie on the floor? Did you do two shows?

SPEAKER_00 29:33

Can't remember. I remember there was one where we were because Oh no, we took we they did the cards twice. So I think that's the two. It's like um like the traitors, kind of.

SPEAKER_03 29:44

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's before the traitors, wasn't it? It's what the traitors came off from that idea from Werewolf. Oh yeah. They nicked the idea and made it.

SPEAKER_00 29:52

It was really fun actually, but they didn't need to do two rounds. We could have just done one and you just completely checked out. And you pissed me off because you turned on me. I thought we were gonna be together forever, and then you threw me under the bus.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then lied down on the floor. No, no, yes, that did happen. But then there was a game, I think it was the the one after that, where me and Harriet were both werewolves and we killed everybody and got away.

SPEAKER_00 30:19

And Louisa Romola was furious.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Oh, she was livid, yeah. She was like, You can't kill me, I'm a woman. I don't care if you're a woman. Everyone gets murdered the same in the right day. Equal rights, equal rights, equal murders. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:33

That was fun, that was. Yeah, so very late.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

That was my week's been my playing the Sims and um having the shits a bit, and then playing Dungeons and Dragons, not very well, still a black. So viewer of the day. Stilla Black. How is she?

SPEAKER_00 30:52

Dead. Apparently, no one ever says she was nice apart from Paulo Grady.

SPEAKER_02 30:56

No, no. Well, he's dead now as well, so no one's saying anything nice about it now.

SPEAKER_03 31:00

Paulo Grady is what a wonderful man.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

Viewer in the drawer of shame. What do you want, listener? You've written it.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

Okay, viewer from the drawer of sh listener.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Listener, viewer.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Viewer. We've got a new girl at work and she's been using my mug. She's been here for two weeks now, and I don't know how to tell her she's using my mug. Have I left it too long? It's not a very special mug. Well, I'm just gonna interrupt you here. Just get over it then. I just like it. It's got a cat on it. How do I get my mug back or should I just get over it, get over it? I hate her and she's done nothing to me. I hate her and she's done nothing to me but accidentally use my cup. I said it twice, I'm gonna say it again. I think you should get over it.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

I think you should just say I'm gonna pretend the woman's name is Maureen. Maureen! You've got that's my mug. I know no one told you this, and I should have said it sooner. But it was Georgie, I remember something. It's come back to me, a terrible thing I did. There's a woman I used to work who did my fucking heading, she was a nightmare, and she had this fucking like dayglo rank mug, and she would always be like, Who's touching my mug? And then one day I just thought, I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna hide it. I hid it, and she was like, Where is it, where is it? And she was going mental, and I said, I don't, I don't know. She went she went on annual leave, that's it. I hid it before she went on on your leave. So then when she came back, it was too long of a period for her to remember where she'd put the mug, and then I I waited for about oh, probably about a week and a half, and then just put it back in the goblet. I thought the power I felt was was amazing.

unknown 32:31

I loved it.

SPEAKER_03 32:31

I did that in I have never told him this. In oh god, he's gonna find out now. In lockdown when I was separating from my ex-husband, we're friends now, everything's fine. Um I bought him like it isn't true. I bought him a Switch, uh Nintendo Switch, before we separated, just at the beginning of Lockdown, and then he was such an asshole while we were separating about a year into lockdown and all that stuff that I hid it. Good. And he was like, Where is it? Where is it? I was like, I don't know, got no idea. I hid it, and I put it back in his cupboard like yeah, like ten days later, and he was like, Oh, we were so all along.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Yeah, I love playing this one. You'd like Animal Crossing, I think, Harriet, on the switch.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

You make a little island and uh I think she wouldn't like it. I've have you had done many car trips with Harriet Dyer, yeah. Saw a whole other side to her.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

What happened?

SPEAKER_03 33:20

I shout.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

She's very Oh, yeah, she's quite um fuck you.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

And I was on the phone when we were coming back last time. I was on the phone talking to someone and I saw a woman collapse by the side of the road. A woman collapsed by the side of the road, and I was distracted, you know. So I was distracted because I was on the phone and I saw this woman collapse. So I went, I went. I said, Oh, just a second. I said, Oh, just a second. Um, sorry, there's someone collapsed. Is she okay? Is she okay? And Harriet just went, obviously she's okay. Somebody's standing with her.

SPEAKER_00 33:55

What's happened? No, that's witness work too. Was done so I saw it, so it is A, I'm hungry, B, the roads, there's awful traffic.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

All I'm hearing is excuses.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

We're going, uh, we're going down this road. There's nowhere to pull over.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

I'm hearing extenuating through.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

She's there is a woman wrapped in a blanket, which proves that Amy is lying. On the road.

SPEAKER_03 34:17

I didn't see the blanket.

SPEAKER_00 34:18

She the Amy is lying, saying she's just fallen over. She's wrapped in a blanket. I didn't see the blanket. Well, but how convenient. She's wrapped in a blanket. There's three people in high viz round her, one on the phone. There's she's being looked after, right? Amy has this man from the Ford garage barking shut up. A, I have to add the term of music off, B, Amy's so loud. Then the man, the Ford man, is now going. Amy's like, winds the window. Excuse me, excuse me. And I was like, there's if I had fallen over, I'd feel so overwhelmed. I'm just lying here like an old trout. And then the man on the man on the phone is going, what? What? And Amy's like, someone! I didn't know what I'm saying. I'd already suddenly should have gone, obviously! Yeah, because I was so overwhelmed and it was all sorted out. And there was a man shouting at you on the phone whilst you were also shouting. There's too many stimulus there.

SPEAKER_03 35:25

It was really overwhelming. Yeah. And no wonder you wanted me to make my own way here this week, Harry. Oh fucking hell.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

So the mug. The woman's mug. So don't you think I was right? I don't think either of you were right. I think you're both twats. You're just gonna have to sit with that.

SPEAKER_03 35:46

I will admit that I was, I do never, if I see something going on where I could help in the street, I want to get involved always.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

I mean stick in your face. Oh, I saw her fall over. The biggest violence. Did you say that? Didn't she? No, I didn't open. I thought this woman's fallen over.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

I saw her fall and roll, and I wanted to leap out and capture it. That's what I heard. That's exactly what you say that. Harriet turned to me and went down the same.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

There was a man with high fits. So I thought the man with high fits was just working that and a woman had moved.

SPEAKER_00 36:21

No, but like I did a blanket. I didn't do the blanket because you weren't paying attention. Because of the fucking blanket. Exactly. So pin your business within my vehicle and carry on with your phone calls. I fucking had it. Anyway. I had it.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

You all drive, we all drive separately now. When we record the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 36:41

I like an opportunity to help.

SPEAKER_02 36:43

You're a business. I saw you're argumentative and I'm the best.

SPEAKER_03 36:47

I saw a cat that I'd been run over recently.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

And you reversed back over.

SPEAKER_03 36:51

And I reversed back over. No, I got to take it to the VAT. I got to rescue it and take it to the vat.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

The common denominator here is you, Amy. You're just causing these things on purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if you put a banana in front of the lady to fall over and hit a cat with your elbow.

SPEAKER_03 37:08

Well, the thing is, the woman whose cat I found and took it to the vet, I was thought, well, I thought, well, she's gonna thank me so much. She's probably gonna get me flowers because she's gonna be so grateful. She didn't say one single thing to say thank you. And then my friend said, you know what? And I said, Why? She said she thinks you ran it over. And I was like, Oh my god, do you think she does?

SPEAKER_00 37:29

Oh yeah, would you assume that someone, or like what you said, if she's just like had enough of the cat and and gone or go on patrole? Maybe she heard me, she heard me booming from down. She's like a fucking loud woman. She's like, Oh, it's like loud woman that has to get involved in everything whilst on the phone to afford dealership.

SPEAKER_03 37:48

It's so funny to think about here your little internal monologue when I was on that phone call. I was oblivious. I had no idea I was being annoying.

SPEAKER_02 37:56

I uh before I got my cat Keith, I wanted this cat called Lady Diana. I honestly had one eye in the mouth. People's pools, princess. I mean, but they sent someone out to check where my house was if it was okay for a cat. And they said the house is fine, but you're too close to a road, the cat might get run over. And I said it's unlikely for Diana to have two car accidents. And they just were like, No. And so Lady Diana did not come through my house.

SPEAKER_00 38:23

But is Keith a house cat?

SPEAKER_02 38:25

No, no, he goes around everywhere. He's a fucking nuisance at the minute. He keeps sleeping in the bath, but you can't see him. So, like, you'll just go in the bathroom when he gets and you just how old does he watch out for his kidneys?

SPEAKER_03 38:37

My cat did that and then it died. He had a kidney thing. They go in there because they want water. Oh no, the tap's not on.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

Is he just you're telling me my cat's gonna die? I don't know. Apparently it's a sign.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

Apparently it's a sign if they keep going near water and sitting near water sources. Oh god. It's probably fine. Oh, well.

SPEAKER_02 38:58

See, I'm getting involved! Busybody! Right, well, that's uh uh go get your fucking mug back.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

Oh wait a minute, the poor oh yeah my cat's gonna die.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Uh I think we'll end it there.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

I think you should take your mug home. I think just take it, yeah. But then maybe she wants to use it at work. Yeah, obviously, but but take uh or just put a passive aggressive sticker on it.

SPEAKER_02 39:22

Or just tell her, say that's my mug, can I have it back?

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Or just put it-cause you left it a bit late.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

Put it on your desk and start putting pens in it. Maybe rub shit on it. Yeah, take a shit in the mug.

SPEAKER_00 39:31

Take a shit in the mug. Go, excuse me, this is my shitty mug.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

Excuse me, this is my poo mug. I like to poo at my desk and then fling it out of the window, so it's more time effective. I'm not wasting anyone's time. Yeah. And if you don't watch yourself, I'll shit on you. What would you do if you were in your office? On the floor.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

Who was telling me the other day? Oh, my hairdresser was telling me that that morning a lady went into his garden, started pulling her trousers down to shit on his garden, and he was like, Uh, what are you doing? And then she goes, Excuse me, have you never heard of privilege?

SPEAKER_02 40:11

Someone did a shit on the floor at my friend's wedding in Nottingham and never fair about it, oh my god, I feel like there's a puppy. But it's not, it wasn't a it's a separate situation. Because they blame me. No, I said to this. I said my my bowels are too loose to have a concentrated one in the middle of the room. Because I've got no gallbladder, so I'm um sorry.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

That's so rude.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

This is in someone put in today's day and age, you can't accuse someone of shitting on the floor.

SPEAKER_00 40:42

No, I got called in when I worked at TK Maxx. Someone had put a used tampon in the sink and they just assumed it was me. I was so angry.

SPEAKER_03 40:51

I've got the fact that you both get a skewed, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Yeah. I've got I've got a vibe of someone who'd shit in the middle of a floor, and you've got the vibe of someone who'd leave a tampon in the sink, and she's got the vibe of someone who'd kick an old lady over just to get involved.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

Yeah. Just to make the news as a hero. Just to make the news.

SPEAKER_03 41:07

I have got such a loud voice. My fr John Osborne is uh like a poet and performer, and he was doing a show in Edinburgh, and I laughed so loudly that he jumped. It's quite a moving, poignant show, and I laughed so loudly that he was so startled by my laugh that he jumped into the air.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

Into the air like a cartoon. Like bike a grove. Yeah. Right, who's the muff of the wee? Me. It's never fucking me. I want it because I You were in your house. I and you went to bed. Yeah. I made it. That's not real. You're on the computer. No. When I couldn't go out, I made my sacred friends, and then I played Dungeons.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

In your house, and you went to bed.

SPEAKER_02 41:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:49

You can't have donkey arsenal. I went all the way to Western Supermare. Which is an hour away, because I went there with you. It's half an hour from me. And I had a lovely time and I'm learning sign language. And I played shuffleboards and dance.

SPEAKER_03 42:04

I tell you what, I never do anything, and I'm always on here every week saying, I didn't do anything, I'll just hang out with my kids. If you are a listener in Bristol and you have an idea about what I should do to get out of the house, can you please tell us?

SPEAKER_02 42:16

Pottery. Do a pottery class.

SPEAKER_03 42:18

And if you're not a weirdo, do something with Amy.

SPEAKER_00 42:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:22

No, she won't. If you're ill or got an ill cat, let me know and I'll get a cat.

SPEAKER_02 42:28

Oh my god, well, I'm here next week and my fucking cat's dead. I'm gonna be so mad. I'll fucking bring it. I'll taxidermy him and I'm gonna fucking bring him in. I'm not having it. Amy's killed my cat. Good night. All is well. Ding dong. Can you help us? No. Goodbye.