Beloved Mouse

The episode kicks off with multiple failed attempts at an intro before descending into a very important discussion about what you’d be called if you were the size of a toenail. Naturally, this leads to orangutans, giant stage props, and Amy revealing a genuine fear of taxidermy and oversized animal models.

We get into everything from bizarre phobias (including animals in human clothing), unsettling childhood memories, and some truly cursed thoughts about eyelids that nobody asked for. There’s also a chaotic detour into fur coats, vintage dilemmas, and why transporting them across the country might not be worth the emotional damage.

Elsewhere, there’s chat about gigs in unexpected places, surprising audience revelations (including swingers and psychedelics), and the reality of touring — from confusing car parks to the inevitable flood of parking fines. Harriet pops round Lindsay’s for shepherd’s pie (sparking an intense breakdown of how to properly cook mince), while Amy reflects on the emotional toll of cooking for ungrateful children.

We also cover Mother’s Day chaos, wholesome family moments, and a folding club that might be the most unexpectedly adorable idea ever. Plus, a listener voice note about a rogue mouse leads to a surprisingly passionate discussion about what to do when your belongings are being slowly destroyed.

As always, it’s chaotic, honest and completely unapologetic — with plenty of oversharing, bizarre tangents, and the kind of conversations that spiral far beyond where they started.

If you’re here for laughs, relatable chaos, and a podcast that feels like being in the group chat, this one’s for you.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I've got a flaky face. Ready. Also welcome. I'll also do the intro. Go on then. Hello. Welcome to Social Moths. Uh it's the podcast about getting out of the house. I'm Amy Mason.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Amy, that was awful. Yeah, do it again.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

Welcome to Social Moths. Do it again, but less threatening. Yeah. I can't be, I've said I'm spooky. Right.

unknown 0:27

Spooky.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Ready, go. Welcome to Social Moths, the podcast about getting out of the house. I'm Amy Mason.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

I'm Harriet Dyer.

SPEAKER_05 0:37

I'm a small man trapped in a woman's body.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

How small?

SPEAKER_05 0:42

Very small. Tiny. The size of a toenail. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

Oh, but which toenail?

SPEAKER_05 0:49

That's up to you.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

Like Thumbelina, but Toeilina.

SPEAKER_05 0:53

I've never watched Thumbelina. What's the end of it? What happened? Is she a thumb? No, she's not a thumb. She's just a small child. Small little. Why is she called Thumbelina though? Because she's the size of a thumb. Oh. What would you be called?

SPEAKER_01 1:07

If I was the size of a nail. You'd be like Mossel the show with shoes on.

SPEAKER_05 1:11

What's the what's the same height as you, would you say? In real life. Hmm. Hmm. Llama. So you'd be Lama Lina. Lama Lina! Lama Lina.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

What's the size of you in real life? Yeah. There's an orangutan called Amy at Monkey World. Which everyone always thinks is so funny. Like too funny. Orangeleen. Like, there's obviously some kind of resemblance because I've been people have multiple times sent me photos of a monkey of the orangutan.

SPEAKER_05 1:37

You've seen that monkey with the little toy monkey with the monkey in the in the in the he's got a no, I'll leave it there then. We won't.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Have you got a tour show at the Cardiff Millennium Centre? I do. Because if you ask them afterwards to go out the stage exit, then there is a giant orangutan with a decapitated arm, but it was it's what they bought it for 15 grand, so they can't get rid of it, but it was for like some big campaign, but it's just there doing nothing. I want to know.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

I feel like I would be scared of that. I get very scared about models of things and taxidermy.

SPEAKER_05 2:16

Oh my god, my friend. Stop, stop, stop. I want to know how Harriet ended up seeing this orangutan in the first place. Because how would you how what happened at Cardiff for them to go? Oh Harriet, that reminds me, we've got a massive orangutan down there.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Basically, I was, oh my god, this was actually something quite social. I for the first time stayed and had photos and chatted with the audience. So then I thought, I've done that, so I'm now they said, do well, maybe they thought it went awful because they said you want to go out the back door. And then as I'm going out the back door, um, there was just literally, there was a vast space, and then a lopsided orangutan with a decapitated shoulder, and I was like, Who's is that? Who big that can I add? Massive. Probably the circumference of up until rich.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Wow, I would hate that, and I'd really Are you actually scared of kids?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Kids would love it, they could live in it.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

No, I am really scared. I'm really scared of taxidermy and big models of things. What puts the fear in you with taxidermy?

SPEAKER_05 3:25

Because it's dead, it's not gonna get you.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

It's a deep like a proper phobia. Like a deep phobia. I think actually.

SPEAKER_05 3:33

Oh, I know I'm getting into the phone.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

It's either from yeah. You are Lindsay. It's either from King Kong the film for when I was watching it when I was little, or it's from my grandad had this like monkey puppet thing that was quite scary, and I used to be terrified of it. So it's either I think it's from either one of them, but I'm really scared. I used to be scared of models of people too, though.

SPEAKER_05 3:54

What was um Orville the Duck? I wish I could fly. I'm not scared of him. No, but his friend, what was his Keith? No, not Keith. The other monkey with he was quite terrifying. The orangey monkey thing with the purple mouth. Didn't like him too.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

You remember when I did my mental common my mental community space thing? Yes, yes. So there was this girl that I did it with called Mercy that had Tourette, and I didn't know she had a lot of trauma, as do we all, and um I didn't know until I got a giant picture of a Yorkshire terrier in a tuxedo that she had a phobia of animals in human outfits.

SPEAKER_05 4:30

I don't I I when people tell me they've got like a fear of of bugs or like heights, you I can kind of see that because there's a threat, but I can't see a threat of a of a Yorkshire terrier wearing a wearing a hat.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Like I just But you don't know what's happened, like maybe someone just uh maybe they threw a dog at her before she was chased by a dog in a ball gown.

SPEAKER_04 4:56

Yeah, by a dog and after dinner. I must go in a beret. It's midnight with a monarch.

SPEAKER_05 5:08

Oh I've got like fat eyebrows. I think I could I could support a monocle in it quite easily.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Have you ever thought that if you touch your eyelids it's the same skin as a foreskin? No, I've never ever thought that. It is though.

SPEAKER_05 5:22

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

It is though, isn't it?

SPEAKER_05 5:24

My eyeballs, isn't it? Have you it's now touch your foreskin?

unknown 5:30

You've put me off my own face.

SPEAKER_05 5:32

If I touch this and then I'll go home and touch David's foreskin.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Oh, Harriet. Yeah. You have, you've given me a thing about my own head.

SPEAKER_05 5:41

Well, yeah, you've you've covered a foreskin.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah, but at least it's it's all skin. Isn't all skin foreskin? At least your eyelid isn't taxidermid.

SPEAKER_05 5:50

Yeah. Imagine if you had a taxidermid taxidermid terrier that was made of foreskins. How would you feel about that?

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Wearing a coat. I did a comedy night and it was with some quite younger. How is this related promote? I'm on a phone at home. And they had, they had, I don't know, and I was running late for the gig, and I got there, and there was loads of taxidermy leading all the way up the stairs, and I had to crawl up the stairs. One of these two young guys who were like, oh hi. I was like, it's fine, I'll be fine.

SPEAKER_04 6:20

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 6:22

So there was just like it was like sort of like a cool like cocktail bary place where they had like taxidermy and they had like a zebra thing and like uh some some kind of like like a zebra rug with the zebra's head and like other taxidermy leading up all the way up the stairs, and I was I fucking hated it.

SPEAKER_05 6:40

Do you just not like animals? You can say that. No, I do like animals, I think. And these boss animals, didn't they? You know the comedian, are they really?

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Molly McGuinness. Molly McGuinness, lovely great. Love Molly McGuinness, Molly Boss. Yeah, wonderful. Everyone loves her made. Everyone loves that. Um my grandma died, and my grandma had I didn't get a taxi diamede.

SPEAKER_05 7:01

Oh my god, I'm gonna do that to my name. Can you do it to me? What pose was No, it wasn't that, it was the admin. I just thought, oh, it's gonna be a lot. Um because I just think I think when you do pop off, it'll be in a way that's inconvenient, like you'll get stuck in something, and then you'll get rigor mortis, and you'll be in like a weird pose that I wouldn't be able to put in my anus.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

In your anus in my house, why am I putting you in my anus? My god. Yeah, but you just snapped me the right way around.

SPEAKER_05 7:34

Yeah, it's true actually.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

Sorry, Molly McGinnis.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

Molly McGuinness, my grandma had fur coats and my mum couldn't work out what to do with these fur coats because none of the vintage shops wanted them or anything like that. And we were like, Well, I don't want to just chuck them away. And so I put on Instagram, does anyone want the fur coats? And Molly McGuinness said yes. So, me, even though I'm scared of fur as well, fur, taxidermy, anything like that, I ended up on my last tour, having to, because I had a Manchester tour date, having to have a box of fur coats in my bloody car, driving them all round and dropping off with Molly McGuinness. Now Molly McGu Molly McGuinness has got them.

SPEAKER_05 8:12

Well, I wouldn't I would have had a funeral for the coat. I would have buried them in the country. You still can, but and not tell Molly and turn up at her house. Not what Molly's wearing them. I'm sorry, Molly, we've got to have a funeral for the coat.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

I'd love to look in Molly McGuinness's. Hang on, Rich is looking pensive. Do you do it if that you could do that?

unknown 8:30

Because I'm not worried about his camera.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Do you have in your life when there's no one with you, do you pull those faces? Yeah. Oh, I always feel like they're like stage looks. Like if there was a script going. Look curious.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Look at maybe I do as well. He's got a lovely little face. People who are listening to this and watching this aren't gonna know his lovely little face.

SPEAKER_05 8:53

He's gonna, he's gonna considering he's an 80-year-old man, he's got a full set of hair as well, which is quite good, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Yeah, I could imagine you if an if I opened a Grattan catalogue, yes, you'd be sporting a Gymshark vest. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:14

Little Chinos and Pumps. That's what I think. That's what it's got on now. That's his rap name, Lil Chinos and Pumps. Lil Chinos and Pumps. Lil Chinos.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

So then gals.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

So then, Gally Wally. What have we been up to, say you?

SPEAKER_02 9:34

I did a I almost I did a show in Hey on Why.

SPEAKER_05 9:40

Oh, I mean you're okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

When you sound you and I didn't know what the crowd were like, and I sort of had assumptions, sometimes you do that, don't you, about what the crowd are like. But then I got off and somebody told me that like hay on why is a hotbed of swingers. I didn't know that. And LSD, and people have like, well, uh it was an amazing stuff tale I got told about what Hay and Y's like.

SPEAKER_05 10:05

Where is Hay on Y?

SPEAKER_02 10:07

Wales.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Oh, is it?

SPEAKER_02 10:09

I think. Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

Did you lose a bit of time because of all the psychedelics and yeah, but it was a nice one actually.

SPEAKER_05 10:16

I was actually alright. I found which is kind of related, but not because I when I was doing Edinburgh, I used to hide because it was a 60-sit run, I used to hide behind like the back of the stage. Because you can't, you know, you can't go in. So I used to hide there, and then the audience would come in and I'd just hide there and then start the show. And I didn't really like it because I was like, I don't know the audience.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

So what I then started doing was um you just the last sip of the tea is always the endgy, the claggy. And I always wish I left it.

SPEAKER_05 10:51

No, um Edith, what was that going on about? So what I started doing is when they opened the doors, rather than hiding, I used to just sit people like Jane McDonald. Like Jane McDonald, like, come on in, how'd you jam in? Tell me about your life. And then because people would just be like, Oh, she works here, and I'd sit because some people would just take the punt and come in to watch it, and I'd sit them down and then the music would start and I'd go, hella, and people some people and it it made so many some people it confused. Um, and most people were like, Oh, this is nice because I already know her. Um, but I wouldn't do it again because um Would you not? No, because what I I missed doing, I realised when I started doing it, was I used to hide behind the board and eat a banana. And um Do you want a banana? Nah, um no. Maybe in a minute. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready for a banana. I will be soon. I will be soon. So you went and did a gig. Um I had uh a visitor to my house. Who? Very annoying, my word, kicked my door in, demanded um the shepherd's pie. It's Harriet Dyer.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

We had a lovely time. Do you know what? I was gonna ask you for the recipe for the shepherd's pie because I made my own shepherd's pie the week after, nowhere near as good. How do you get your mints so small? Um, just cook it. I don't know. No, but mine goes mine's always a bit lumpy. Do you break it up? What do you mean? Of course I what do you mean? Are you cooking mints in a block? What do you mean? Like, even when I'm breaking it up, I never Please don't do that.

SPEAKER_05 12:31

When I'm breaking up my mints with my force eye breaking up my mints. Listen, the audio visual, Harriet just made uh, I'd say like a wanking motion for breaking up. It's mashing my mints. She's mashing her mints, she's mashing them. I'm mashing my mints. I'm mashing my mints. I'm taking it twice.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

And now it's time for a little teeny to come in. Do you want the river topic?

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Harriet is mashing. Anyway, so when I get my block of mints, then I'm what do you break your mints up with? Um tell you what I do. Do you have sneaky mints that broken up?

SPEAKER_05 13:15

No, I so I I cook my onion and garlic. I like what like cook that first, then I put my mints straight in. I use 5% mints, 5% fat mints.

SPEAKER_03 13:25

5% mints. The rest of it is 5% cats. 5%, then the rest of it is made up with whatever you feel.

SPEAKER_05 13:36

Like you can get saxodamy foreskins. That's why it's so small. And then I just cook the mince till it's brown. Is that not what you do? Yes, but my lumps are too big. Just keep, just use a spatula or a spoon and just break the mints up a bit. And then cook it for I I normally cook it for at least 45 minutes at least, because it just lets the mints fall apart.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Oh, maybe that's why I'm going on. I'm too hungry. Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

I'm vegetarian and I have been vegetarian almost my whole life. So I have corn mints, which is.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Do you know the weirdest thing about corn is it's not we're not supposed to be eating it.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Is that nobody knows what it looks like. It's a fungus. It's such a gross production process that they have like closed factories that no one can see, and no one knows what it looks like when it's being produced. And they say it's a fungus to make it sound natural, but it's like created in labs.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

Do you know like Do you know like if they made meat that like you know, like what like a not a real life meat? Do you know when they make like like if they do you know when they computer gener they 3D print like a chicken breast if they could do that? Would you eat that?

SPEAKER_02 14:50

What the fuck are you doing? If it wasn't like came from an actual animal, it was come from ink.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

Do you know like when you can scientifically like make meat?

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Yeah, but you're not eating anything from it. Because a man me a man printed a gun out and shot someone.

SPEAKER_05 15:13

I mean like people can create animal meat, or if they could create I don't know if they can, but like it's not come from anything that's living, it's just insane. Printing a but you could just be at home and then print yourself out shepherd's pine. That's fucking mental.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

And eat it. Yeah if you like. Just put it on the phone.

SPEAKER_04 15:35

No, Harriet.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

I better be lumpy lump.

SPEAKER_05 15:38

Anyway, Harriet came to my house. I said to my mum, oh Harriet's coming, do you want to come and see her? And she was like, No, I'm BA. And then Harriet turned up, and about ten minutes later, my mum turned up just to just to see Harriet for ten minutes.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Um she goes, she asked me where my crab claws were. I was like, I'm not bringing my crab claws to Lindsay's house for tea. But the shepherd's pie was so good. Oh, that's what I was gonna say about corn mints. That because you know it was originally made to stop world famine, and then and then people were like, Oh, we can make money off this, so it didn't go to that, and then it just due to greed and whatnot. Really?

SPEAKER_05 16:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you're stop you're creating world famine by eating corn. Yeah, same on you. Let me lick my goat. Yeah, let me lick this this baby, baby lamb.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

It was did you even put red wine in with the meat? No, oh, it tasted like it. The only thing I would change, Lindsay, I have a little bit of cheese on on top of mine. Yeah, I do do that sometimes. So why why was I not worthy of your cheese?

SPEAKER_05 16:52

Uh just because I just didn't like didn't like it, didn't fancy it, didn't think I thought it looks at Harriet thought she don't deserve no cheese.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

I never cook because I've got two small, quite fussy children, and it's just me and no other adult. I never cook myself nice things like that anymore. Amy. I know it's depressing. Do you not cook? Because when I make lasagna sometimes, someone will eat lasagna.

SPEAKER_05 17:13

Oh I don't know how to make a lasagna because it's I get confused with the layering and the Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

I I I've made lasagna like once or twice. I got it so wrong. The my my all the frame of the sheets was so hard. Yeah, that's what I did.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

I'm not my parents had a veggie restaurant when I was Veggie, veggie. So I vegged a restaurant when I was a child. So I'm not a bad cook, I just don't cook that often because it's so dispiriting making food and then children just going, Uh, didn't like it. And however much you bring them up to not do that, and how they still mine do anyway, still bloody.

SPEAKER_05 17:49

What will they eat? What do they eat?

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Oh, they I I told Harriet what she said, what are you having for tea the other day? And I told her, she went, That's insane.

SPEAKER_05 17:59

What is it? What are you eating?

SPEAKER_02 18:00

I was well it was like it does sound uh maybe this is insane, but it's like they're vegetarian tea, so they were gonna have like scrambled eggs and like I can't remember, scrambled eggs and like potato wedges. Yeah, and I think you thought the weird bit was to have scrambled eggs, not at breakfast.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Oh no, you can have scrambled eggs anytime you like. That blows my mind.

SPEAKER_05 18:22

That is the one thing of all the in all the things in the world, Harriet Dyer, with your whimsy and your charm, scrambled eggs at dinner is the thing.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

You were prepared to believe that I would willingly eat a 3D printed chicken made of ink.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

I wasn't, I was livid about the whole situation.

SPEAKER_02 18:41

Yeah, I know, but you believed it was a possibility.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

What? So it isn't a possibility. You weren't ink me, it was. Not have ink, no, but us using the 3D printer as a time, Amy.

SPEAKER_05 18:52

Then what did we watch? What did we watch? We watched Marcel the Show, we should watch we watched Matilda for a bit. Oh the modern one. It was um where we were having our dinner, and then uh Harriet put Marcel the show with shoes on, and uh May my daughter like that, she enjoyed it. Yeah, if if you she would have been happy to watch it all, you cock blocked me. Yeah, it was it was seven, nearly seven o'clock. We'd only 20 minutes in. Cockblocked.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

So we just fast forwarded to the end because uh she's so so she goes on about Marcel the Show with shoes on so much, and he's just a cock block.

SPEAKER_05 19:24

Do you fancy do you fancy Marcel? Do you fancy Marcel the Shell? No, I bloody don't.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

I'm I'm quite upset that you've said such a thing.

SPEAKER_05 19:32

I never said it, I just repeated my own.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

I just think it's the most wholesome, lovely film, and it's something I would have watched with my mum and I love it.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Oh now you're making me feel bad.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Yeah, yeah. Go eat your ink, Mason.

SPEAKER_05 19:49

That was my socialising, really. I'd um I sim some bits and bubs and went to some gigs, and um we missed each other in Harriet, because we were doubling. So I was gigging in Bath and she was opening and I was closing, and it was like we passed like shit shit shits in the night. Ships in the night. There were shits in the night. Shits in the night.

SPEAKER_01 20:07

But you know, because I said to who did I see? Oh, I gigged with Danny Johns because she was compoing it, and I because I just assumed that you would have done amazing because you were amazing, and and Danny goes, Oh no, the all because I thought because the audience were weird, and she was like, No, they were weird for everyone. They weren't weird for me, they were great.

SPEAKER_05 20:24

Oh, they were wonderful. Well, maybe I just live in my own head and they were, but I thought I had a nice.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Oh, Danny said everyone thought maybe she was trying to make me feel better. I think she was. Oh no, I just assumed that you would have smashed it.

SPEAKER_05 20:40

They were all right, they were like for the first three minutes, they were a bit like, what is this? And then um once they were on board, they were on board because you come with me or you die. That's what I say. I struggled, I think. Yeah, it's hard to open that room though, it's so big, it's such a big room, such a big, big room. That bloody that driving round bath as well.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Jeez, Louise. That is not fun. No, it's haunted, man.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

Oh, I got a bloody fucking I got a bloody parking thing for Cambridge, and I know this is just the start. Like touring, touring, constantly getting in bus lanes, going down bus gates, parking in the wrong place. I know this is the start. I'm probably gonna get like 10 different ones.

SPEAKER_05 21:26

Well, don't start because she's got a dark past up. Cambridge, I don't even know what they're on about.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

In the what at Cambridge it says I parked in the wrong place for 10 minutes. I don't know what they're talking about. And the foes of me driving your face, just your face in the car.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

I'm so hungry.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

I'm so pissed off about it.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

I think I think we should be able to like because park anywhere we want. No, but I think we're like we should get an allowance because we're not used to we drive to so many areas that everyone else is used to, and we're just so discompopulated.

SPEAKER_05 22:00

Oh, when I did the gig at the gaff, um I parked in that car park next to it. The big there's a big car park. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

That's the worst car park.

SPEAKER_05 22:08

Oh my god, I was stuck in it for 15 minutes, up and down stairs, thinking you have to pay on a different level as well. It's really nice. And I was like I'm I I was half tempted to go home, but I couldn't find where my car was. Um and then I somehow found my way into a street, which then I had to walk up some curly stairs. What are they called? Spiral. Curly stairs. Curly stairs to come to the road, and then well, and then I just found where I was then. But I thought I couldn't.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

That is the worst. Do you know for the future? Just go behind. I go on double yellows behind. I do not give a shit to not go in that awful car park.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

I once, when I just learned how to drive, went into that car park. Oh, it took me ages to like I was for going to meet some friends in town, drove into that car park, bashed my car on the corner of a like wall trying to get, you know, it's really narrow. Oh what? Then drove tried to reverse out, drove over a cone, drove over a cone, it got stuck under my wheel, and I just drove home. I just drove home. And I drove home and I just waited till the co the cone just got itself out. I said to my friends, sorry, I'm off.

SPEAKER_05 23:19

I was driving once and my car was quite new, and I was driving and I started hearing so I pulled over and looked under the wheel, and there was um you know, the incredible Hulk. There was a toy, incredible Hulk, just wedged. And God knows when I'd run that over. Ah and a squirrel, what else? Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

But do you know that that car park is an example? It makes me so angry because it's an example of greed that they've just it is that they've put so many spaces, too many spaces.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

This is a real side that people don't know about Harriet Dyer. Yeah, going on about roads, cars, car parks. She becomes a different thing.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Is it not true? It's greed. They've well's gone bust. It was on the radio. It's it there's a they've put so many spaces in. This is exactly when I went to the where did I go? I went uh to a hospital once, and then I accidentally, it was a very snowy day, and there was a car park like that with ridiculous amount of spaces just for greed, and then I slid on some ice, went went into a car, and then took a photo of the car, and then had my appointment, and then I planned. I don't know what I planned to do afterwards, but I was telling the doctor about what had happened. I didn't need to do anything, it was her car. Can you believe that? That's serendopedus, serendopidas serendopidas.

SPEAKER_05 24:51

Did you have a nice Mother's Day, everybody? Well, no, my mum's dead. How dare you? Oh my god. Oh, she done off. Come on about you.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

I, my children, it was actually really nice because I was just my children now have got to an age where they actually get quite excited about doing something about Mother's Day, but what they do is mad. So it's like the perfect combination of being quite sweet and quite funny. But they wanted me to make me breakfast and I knew they'd struggle with that. So I left out cereal and a bowl and stuff so they could do it in the morning. And um and they came up, they came up, um, and my daughter, the younger one, she did a puppet show behind my knees using two squares of carpet sample.

SPEAKER_05 25:40

So you can't even watch it because it's behind your.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

No, it was like I had my knees up and she was like behind my knees, so she was like doing over my knee, using my knee like a sage. And so she was hiding behind my knee, and she was using two squares of carpet sample that I've got, and doing a puppet show with them, like moving them around, but with no voices or anything, just with these two squares of carpet sample. And when my other daughter started laughing, she got really angry. She was like, Watch it, stop it. I'd sit there watching her do this. I know we're waiting for an assessment for her, but I don't think we need to, to be honest. And um, yeah, and it was really sweet, and they made me like loads of cards and stuff, and then their dad, we're not together anymore, but he'd taken them to Dunelm, and they'd got me like a hedgehog, uh metal hedgehog for the garden, which I was really pleased with.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

That's great. I know, and that's that's you as well.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

She wanted to get me a neck pillow, she's obsessed with neck pillows, like travel neck pillows, and um, to the extent that my mum asked her what present she wanted for doing well at school, and she said she wants a neck, a travel neck pillow.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Tell Seven years old. Tell uh tell everyone about uh the club.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

Oh yeah, she's starting, she wants to start a folding club. Um folding what? Folding clothes in it with her friends, and she's asked, I've just had my garage converted into a rim, and she's decided it's gonna be folding club HQ.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Oh isn't that the most wholesome, lovely thing you've ever heard?

SPEAKER_02 27:06

She looks Lindsay looks absolutely appalled.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

Well, I'm gonna do a logistics of it. I'm gonna do a taster because I used to sorry.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

She's gonna teach her. Oh, she will genuinely be delighted if you teach how to fold using a cardboard square.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

So because we used to do it with cardboard squares.

SPEAKER_05 27:19

Uh what was the pinch, pinch, pinch, and pull for t-shirts? She used to pinch a corner and pull it and it would just fold the you'd grab one corner, pull it over. Do you remember this? And then you pull another and then you'd pull the t-shirt and it'd be folded perfectly.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

I don't know that she'd like that.

SPEAKER_05 27:33

Yeah, telephone. Oh god! Is that your tummy? That's my tummy open. Oh, that's gorgeous. It doesn't see the sun, that's why it's so alabasta.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

Nice. When I was um but uh captioning the I I had to Google alabasta because I I didn't and I went, lovely alabaster great. But I love the word alabaster, it sounds like bastard. True, so true.

SPEAKER_05 27:57

My mother's there went to um well David took got flowers in the card, and then David took his or the the child, my child, their child, our child to his mum's for a bit, and then in the afternoon I went to go and see my nan and my mum, and we put face masks on and sat watching the Aston Villa football. Oh, that's nice. That's lovely.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Yeah. I went to the gym. Yeah, and then so I met with Jack Campbell, we went to the gym, pumped some iron, ran some although me ears, so I uh I couldn't um uh my balance is a bit off, so I was very dilapidated running. But had a nice time and then walked around a bit. Oh, that's lovely.

SPEAKER_02 28:38

Had a show in Hebden Bridge. I think we've been quite good. And then I had to go drive all the way to Bloody Hebden Bridge.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

That's a mission. How long does that take?

SPEAKER_02 28:46

Four hours.

SPEAKER_01 28:48

Yorkshire. From Bristol.

SPEAKER_02 28:52

But uh the author, who's a wonderful author called Amy Liptrot, who wrote a book called The Out Run that got made into a film with Sersha Ronan. She is a wonderful author who I've read Marta for ages. Love her work, and anyway, she came. That's it. And then I had a drink with her and her friends afterwards. So they were really, really nice about it. They were lovely about the show and everything, and that was lovely. And the venue gave me a really nice big plate of like Indonesian food, which I don't think I'd ever had before.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

What would that be, Amy?

SPEAKER_02 29:19

Well, it was a variety of things.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

It was like there was inky, very inky, very inky, all like squid ink.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

Mmm. Well, yeah. But HP is matrix, it came on a dot matrix plate. Um uh it was noodles, and then some maybe some rice, and then some like jackfruit, because I'm vegetarian, as some kind of like sweet kind of stuff, fruity kind of thing, and then there was like a coconut curry thing. It was really nice.

SPEAKER_05 29:50

Oh, right, lovely.

SPEAKER_01 29:53

Listeners, have we had any listener submissions? Not well, the there's I'm sure we have, but I do this. Yeah. We've got a voice note. A voice note from the beloved. My beloved. Here we go. Right, hold it to the mind.

SPEAKER_02 30:13

Here um Oh, I met him the other night. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:17

Maybe met him. What'd you reckon?

SPEAKER_02 30:19

I thought he was nice. I liked him.

SPEAKER_05 30:21

You don't like him.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

No, I do, yeah, I really do. Wait a minute, what did you think?

SPEAKER_02 30:25

Why was it just a coincidence? I was leaving the gig at the gaff.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

Yeah, and we were walking, we'd been to the cinema.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

That was a lovely one. I taught a comedy workshop at the gaff. It was really nice. And then I did then I did a gig there. I spent that, I was like there for like 13 hours at the gaff.

SPEAKER_05 30:38

It's too long. It's too long to be anywhere. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. Oh. This this bit here.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

So I've got the moose is in the house. The mouse is back. The mouse is chewed. The mouse is chewed for fucking loads of things. Paper. It's open parasetamo. How is it how it's still alive? I don't know, because it's like fucking at half its body. Not at half its body, wait. It's a half of a paratam, and it's still going. I found it this morning. I opened my bag. Well, I didn't open my bag because my bag was already open. It's crawled into my bag. For what reason, I don't know. But then it's turned through my fucking do-rag to both fucking little, you know, the thing that you tried. And two beyond recognition. So no, yeah, I don't have a do-rag. Favorite do-rag as well. So yeah, uh isn't that that's nothing for me, is it? Uh like fucking that that's quite funny, isn't it? Like, why is it chewing for two like laces, if you like, if you want to call it that? Um, and then yeah. I'm just devastated. I'm still there for about 10 minutes ago, and I can't believe you've chewed for like he's got a belly walking around with a belly full of fucking do-rags. I've got stuff a cake. Got a belly full of fucking digesting now. What kind of rat is it? Mouse is this? Is that a fucking rat? What kind of mouse is this? It's like I don't even know what to fucking think. It's crazy. That thing's just going eaten through everything. Everything. Fuck's sake. Oh, we're having a good morning anyway. Absolutely fucking amazing.

SPEAKER_05 32:25

Right. Before I would have loved to be a content context before the message started about there being a mouse. Because I was first it was like, it's eaten through everything. I was like, what has? What has?

SPEAKER_01 32:37

I didn't know there was a mouse.

SPEAKER_05 32:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

There used to be a mouse years ago. What's the social ethical with a mouse?

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Has he seen it?

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Well, because do you do you know do you not remember a bit I used to do that Marv used to take the mouse he used to drive go drive it five miles away and then he'd come back? Yeah. So there has been a mouse, and then he just once he went to drive the mouse away, forgot, and then was just driving around with the mouse in the mouse. Was it you that had a really fun? Who was telling me that they that they they put they tried to drive a mouse away, but the the mouse got lost in the car and then they couldn't was he? No, it wasn't. Well but yeah, so because you know the do-rag. Yeah. So he's now and he loves that do-rag. I don't understand why it's eating things that aren't food. Why do they do though?

SPEAKER_02 33:31

They do. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

But it's eating half a paracetamol, which is so large for a mouse.

SPEAKER_05 33:35

Yeah, but then it's gonna feel no pain, is it? So it probably is just eating the do-rag feeling no pain.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

Jack, and it's gurning, Jack and it's like coke for a mouse.

SPEAKER_05 33:44

Have you ever gurned on paracetamol? No, but I'm not a mouse. No, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

I'm a lady.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

Is this a dilemma? Is he got a dilemma?

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Well, I think he's just saying like Well, he's packing his house up at the minute, so what does he that and he's worried that if he lifts the sofa up, it's all gonna be disintegrated with mouse noise.

SPEAKER_05 34:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

So what should he do?

SPEAKER_05 34:06

Uh ring the police, get them to come and arrest the man. And then you don't have to say anything. And then compensation for his do-rag. I'm not saying do-rag. Not for the rust the rest of the house. Rust the mouse.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Well, who knows? Well we don't discriminate here.

SPEAKER_05 34:24

Let's end the podcast now, because we've uh Excuse me?

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Well, you can't you do this. You can't just end because it She always does that. She goes forward and she just goes. Because I'm conscious of time. You act like like you've got better places to be. I haven't? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

But she's saying oh I'm winking. And then you just lie down. What was that? You don't want to end. You just like you just slide off the top.

SPEAKER_01 34:47

What should he do?

SPEAKER_02 34:48

Well just carry on, Harry. Actually, can you fuck off?

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Yeah. I had to edit a clip where honestly, I'm surprised it didn't come out and grab me. My fanny. I'm terrible. There's probably a mouse in you.

SPEAKER_05 35:04

There's a mouse in my fanny. What the hell am I gonna do? You're fanny.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

So what should he do?

SPEAKER_05 35:10

I think just leave the mouse. If he's moving out anyway, what can he do? Just take everything off the floor. Mind you, can they climb walls?

SPEAKER_01 35:17

Jack and he should glue everything to the ceiling.

SPEAKER_05 35:20

No. Yes. Can he not leave him like a little um buffet? So then he'll eat and then he'll eat that instead of his his his things. Maybe he's got a pawn short for the do-rag topic. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

There was a mouse in one of my high top trainers. Has the mice are mice really into hip hop culture? Maybe. Maybe maybe do rags and high tops.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

Well, on the radio the other day there was a because there was uh a hedgehog. It was like a three-story house, and there was a hedgehog on the top floor, and people were like, it must have been carried in in a box, and then people were like, No, you'd be surprised, they can get up. Can I? Someone, no, Jack, my friend, sent me uh, because we send each other memes of animals. He did not think this through. I was disturbed, and I'm not disturbed easily. No, you're not. He said it was an armadillo's penis. And have you seen an armadillo's tails like that? And then it's penis. You know, you know a um, you know, uh what those things if you're gonna uh mow your lawn and then uh extension lead. It looks like a fucking extension lead, it's so coiled round, it's fucking mingling gross and flashy.

SPEAKER_05 36:35

Now can we end?

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:36

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 36:37

I'd like to just take a moment to think of a cul-up. I'm gonna go Google that now. Go on.

SPEAKER_05 36:44

No, no, who's a social model?

SPEAKER_01 36:48

Thanks, Rich.

SPEAKER_05 36:49

Oh I think I am. I think Amy might be this one because she went she went out after the gig. She's driven a hundred times.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

And she never has, she never is.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

I nearly wrote in this week um and said your own podcast. And said my dilemma is that I'm on a podcast that's meant to be about people who don't socialise, but the other two do socialise, and it's not it's really not fair.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

No, but we uh well the what what the listeners don't see is we did six episodes before we actually launched it, uh where Lindsay was where Lindsay was useless, yeah, and then and then w we were better, and then and then the moment the cameras are turned on and it's out, she's bloody changed herself. Yes! So and but the good thing is Lindsay purposely for the podcast does stuff which uh which I think we need to do more of. Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

But I always message you and say, Let's do something, and you always go I'm busy.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

No, but only because I'm busy. I'm not doing it because I don't want to. But at the moment I'm not. I mean I am going to Australia. Yes. So the like this week, so th when I'm back I will have more time. But I genuinely have been within. Are you excited you're going to Australia? No, I have a bit stressed with the war.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

Oh yeah, that's fair enough.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Yeah.

unknown 38:09

No.

SPEAKER_01 38:10

Bye. Bonos Dias.