Fancy Coat

This week on Social Moths, Amy Mason, Lindsay Santoro, and Harriet (aka Ebenezer Scrooge) are back with another chaotic catch-up full of unexpected stories, questionable decisions, and plenty of laughs.

From drag shop adventures and photoshoot outfits to awkward social moments and bold attempts at making new friends, the moths share what they’ve been up to and, as always, things quickly spiral off course.

Expect tales of bizarre gigs, strange encounters, questionable wildlife stories, and one unforgettable date involving a lamppost, anti-climb paint, and a very unfortunate turn of events.

It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, and it’s exactly what you’d expect from three comedians who can’t stay on topic.

If you like your podcasts a bit chaotic and full of personality, you’re in the right place.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello, thanks so much for joining us today on Social Moths. You are gonna have a lovely time. My name is Amy Mason and uh I'm here to tell you just before we get started that I am currently on tour around the UK. I'm gonna like 30 cities, towns, and villages all around the UK, probably somewhere near you, and I'd love to see you there. The show's about me uh getting something unexpected in the post and trying to work out where it came from. Um come bring your friends, bring your mum, bring your husband if you must. Anyway, uh let's get started. Welcome to Social Moths.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

I can't spread my wings because I'm indoors. Social moths.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us on this glorious summer's day. Or maybe it's winter, I don't know. You're in the company of the moths that are social. We flutter together to talk about what we've done this week, and um normally we go off on a tangent. And today I am Lindsay Santoro.

SPEAKER_06 0:58

I am Ebenezer Scrooge.

SPEAKER_03 1:00

Oh, again.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Again, I'm Amy Mason. And we are social moths.

SPEAKER_06 1:07

We are social, we should all say it together. I'm right, ready once. Like we're a bit auditioning in the X Fuck, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

Yeah, ready.

SPEAKER_06 1:14

We are social moths. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 1:23

This is to do with my social thing.

SPEAKER_06 1:25

What's our what are you doing?

SPEAKER_05 1:29

Oh wow! What the heck is this? I feel like I'm wondering.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Did you borrow that from Joe Lyset? No, kind of, no. Ask me what I've done this week. Have you been on RuPaul? No, I went to a drag shop called Sequence Showstoppers. Um, very nice. Was um very nice. I had a message them on Instagram because I saw this coat and I thought, I want to. Is this the coat? Yeah. This is a coat. Um for the audio listeners, um, I'm wearing like um Will you take a photo? Like a like a feathered giant pink coat. It's not feathered. But how would you explain what these are? They're like feathers but made out of tool, I would say.

SPEAKER_06 2:16

I'd say it's the whispers of a flamingo.

SPEAKER_03 2:18

But uh because I was doing I'll do a photo shoot for my poster for my new show. And um this is what you've gone with. Well, David messaged me. It's great, it's perfect. David, I said to him, I said, I want something really over the top. And he said, Why don't you try sequence showstoppers in in Brum, which is like a drag burlesque shop. And so I messaged them and they were like, Oh, we don't open till 12. And I thought, love, I love this already. Yeah. I got there and I rang the doorbell, and I'd never been in there before driven past it loads of time, and I was greeted by um Dr. Wolf. That was his that's his um Dr. Woof! Dr. Wolf, lovely boy, wonderful boy, absolutely fabulous. And I couldn't, I only wanted to go in and have a quick mood. And um, I tried this coat on and I thought it's gorgeous. And then I tried some other ones on as well. Um no, no, no, put them back. That's amazing, it's perfect. It's beautiful, isn't it? Put the glasses back.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Are you gonna wear that on your poster?

SPEAKER_03 3:12

Yeah, not the glasses. He gave me the glasses for free.

SPEAKER_06 3:14

Lindsay, wear the glasses. No, it looks so cool as a girl.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

You can't have that on a post.

SPEAKER_05 3:21

Why not? Because you wouldn't see her Facebook. Yeah, yeah, but I know that's her face. Yeah, but other people might.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

But it was so fun. There's so much we should go. He was telling me like they're gonna run hen party things in the day. People can go and and I was like, Oh, we should all go and that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

I want to go there if I go, if I go in Boeing and Munda.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

I tried wigs on. Then I went off and had my nails done by Ace of Nails. Nice! What a lovely idea! She was lovely, she's so lovely, Abba. She's so wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

When are you doing photos or have you done them already?

SPEAKER_03 3:50

This week. So tomorrow.

SPEAKER_06 3:52

Tomorrow it's such a good idea because it's so difficult to know what to do and to do something different. This is the I could not think of a better thing.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

No, it's gone. And then after I had my nails done, um David met me for dinner because he'd finished work. David! And then I said, David, we've got to go back because I want another one. Um, so we went back and then um David got one now as well. But they were so lovely because I was like, Oh, it's for a photo. So I've bought this one, this is mine, and then um Dr. Wolf, God bless him, had given me like two other jackets to wear that are of similar vein. One of them looks like a 1950s housewife, like trailing on the floor, fluff round the edges. Um, and they were just he was just like, Yeah, just take it, just bring it back next week. Oh, amazing! So lovely. Anyway, I'm a gay man now. So it's great. I love it. This is me, this is my social because part of me was like, Oh, I'm too scared to go on my own. Do you know what you're like? I don't know that I'm too scared, but Dr. Wolf. He's a time lord, apparently. Um is he young or old? I don't really know. He's a time lord. He's a time lord. He doesn't feel time. I would say he's in his late 40s, early 50s. From the 14th century. But then he told me that he was married before. This is what worries me. He told me he was married, um and then he took ecstasy and realised he was gay. And I then was like, Well, I what if David ever takes ecstasy? Well, what about my dad? Well, it's oh that's a that's I thought about him the other day because I was watching this thing on YouTube where a man kept a bottle of piss in his room.

SPEAKER_06 5:32

Any questions, Amy Mason? My dad, so I uh one can only assume that because my dad was born when it was illegal to be gay, so one can assume that my dad always thought he was gay, but felt like he couldn't um be his true self. But I don't know if he took ecstasy. You'll have to ask him, maybe that was the thing that tipped him. I don't know if I want to ask him that. But yeah, he lived in an uh so when he moved into mum's house when mum died, Joe didn't want him in mum's bedroom, fair enough. So then, and mine was a shrine. Listen to me. So then uh he was up in the loft that wasn't even converted for a bedroom, and then he was just like weing in a jug. Oh it is a lot of effort to come down ladders.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Yeah. Was it like properly not converted? With a board, it must have been boarded.

SPEAKER_06 6:19

Oh yeah, there wasn't like asbestos and stuff, it was boarded, but it was just like Christmas decorations and that aren't there.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

Oh god. That's what happens when you guess, but yeah. It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. Stuck in the loft with the Christmas decorations. Stuck in the loft with the Christmas decorations and the jug of boo. What are you gonna do for your poster?

SPEAKER_06 6:41

Well, I've mine's my I didn't like my tour stuff because I felt like it wasn't me, so I've got uh you've probably seen it. I've done I've got like a cartoon under my eyes. So mine's that, and then the poster is me licking a lolly w a the lolly the a lolly of me on a stick. Yeah. I'm not showing you.

SPEAKER_03 7:07

No, I really want to see it. Yours is obviously you crawling out of mud with a shoe on, you know. No, no, that was for my last show.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

That's the show I'm touring at the moment. That's it. I'll show you.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

What's your next show, Perry?

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Well, I'm not doing the fringe this year, so it's gonna be next year. But it's about the Wizard of Oz, kind of, so I think it'll be me in like a Dorothy dress, I think, but with my red boots on.

SPEAKER_03 7:27

I also think you should be in it as the witch. You should have yourself dressed as as the witch in the background. I'll paint you green. Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 7:33

I think here's a great idea. You should be in a trench coat where it looks like you know, in fact, I've got a story about this in a minute.

SPEAKER_02 7:43

Here's a great idea. Yeah, that's what carry on.

SPEAKER_06 7:45

So in a trench coat where you know when people pretend they're an adult and there's like ten humans, yeah. This is it's your head. So you're so you know when people pretend that they're an adult but they're children and then they just stack children with a trench coat to get into the cinema. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Amy does it where it's a trench coat but munchkins. Uh yeah, you could do that.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

I feel like that might be problematic in the current age. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

Oh god. Does anyone want to try my coat on?

SPEAKER_06 8:23

But can I tell you this? Yeah, you can. Of course you can. Um, so I did a gig where just a dog started barking, right? So then the bassy dog's home.

SPEAKER_03 8:36

Was it a dog was there the dog in the audience?

SPEAKER_06 8:40

Here's the thing. So, so there was a dog. Every time there was a big laugh or round of applause, this dog would bloody start barking. First of all, because no one seemed to notice it. I was like, Can I hear a dog? And then um, and then there was a dog, so then uh then this lady this lady she goes Honestly, she goes, It's only when people laugh or clap, so we're at fucking cops. So she's basically saying, Can you stop laughing at the clap? Was that her dog? Yeah, so it's her dog, and get this in the venue, yeah. So I've gone to the people that work there, did you not know it's a dog? And they've gone, no. And then when they've seen her, get this, when they've seen her later, they've gone, well, I'll be darned. Sh they thought she was a pregnant lady. She wore a trench cloak and smuggled the dog in and the belly.

SPEAKER_03 9:33

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Oh, that would have really got on my teeth.

SPEAKER_03 9:37

Yeah, it was too big. It might have literally bit your nips if it didn't jump. How big was the dog? Hmm. It's not gonna be a Doberman, is it? Up a jumper. No, but animals up the jumper with this. I know. Animals are my cat keeps pooing on the rug. Oh. I was put down. Oh, my cat's not dead, by the way. No thanks to you. No thanks to you. Tell me my cat was gonna die. I was bloody worried about it for at least three months. I said he might have kidney trouble. You've said your cat's dead now. In the time we've been recording this podcast, your cat has passed time. I haven't seen your cat.

SPEAKER_06 10:14

I didn't see your cat once when I was there. Keith.

SPEAKER_05 10:16

Yeah. Is he not there? No, where was he?

SPEAKER_06 10:18

Dead?

SPEAKER_03 10:20

Are you happy? No, he's alright. He's um he likes sleeping on plastic bags at the minute, which is quite annoying. That's what you'd do if you were a cat. Yeah, he likes the smoothness. I think he's quite warm because he's a fluffy boy. So he likes to lie on soft, flat things, but then he you hear him rustling in the night, and you think it's uh a burglar. It's never a burglar, it's the cat.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

My daughter said the other day she was um drawing and it was time for bed, and she wouldn't stop like drawing on her notebook. And I said, I said, Thora, I've asked you like five times now to go to bed. And she said, but mummy, and I said what? And she said, I'm a cat that's learnt to draw. And I said, What? This is the thing. She said, I'm a cat that's learnt to draw. And I said, What? I said what? So it's so so it's so special and amazing that I shouldn't ask you to go to bed. And she said it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:17

Yeah, that's what made us like this is you'll say something, you'll go, can you you've got to go to the toilet and and then brush your teeth? And she'll go, I'm a polar bear, and I don't understand what you're saying. And I'm like, you do understand what I'm saying. Have a piss, brush your teeth. I'm a polar bear. Don't eat your own liver.

SPEAKER_06 11:37

And don't eat your own. Is that what they do? No, polar bears, it their liver has so much vitamin A in it that if they eat it, they die of a vitamin A overdose.

SPEAKER_03 11:46

Oh, but then surely like, but that could be for anything. Like if you ate your own stomach, the acid would burn your.

SPEAKER_05 11:52

No, but if you take that out of the equation. Okay, let's remove that from oh I'm so confused by that whole that whole fact. Stop eating polar bear livers. Yes, Amy Moussa.

SPEAKER_06 12:03

Stop put it down. Yeah, see you at the service station. Yeah. Eating your trunk. Trying to creep in the back door of Burger King. Excuse me.

SPEAKER_04 12:12

Can you put this on the grill for me? I tell everyone I'm a vegetarian, but I love snuffling on a polar bear's liver. That's why I've got so tall, because of my That is how I've got so tall.

SPEAKER_06 12:25

I have shoes that are platform shoes, but they're just on top of polar bears.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

My shoes are made of polar bear livers.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

I've just said, I'm just floating above my own body now.

SPEAKER_06 12:44

When we get on our second cup of tea. Oh no, third. I think the third cup of tea sends us over. She's like a mummy.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

I've had three cop three coffees.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

Does anyone want to wear my glasses? Do you want to wear my coat? No. Why? It's too overwhelming.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

I want to wear your coat. I want to wear the glasses. Oh Harriet, you look like that'll suit me. I've got such a big head.

SPEAKER_03 13:14

I've got such a big little potato with a half.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

I've got such a big head that won't even look big, I don't think. No, you look your eyebrows fit perfectly above the.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

You look like someone from Kick Ass. Yeah, you do. You look like um that girl. What was her name? Kungfu panda. Not Kung Fu Panda. Pandas, polar bears, don't it? I don't know. Anyway, that's my claim of the week was that. That's brilliant. I feel like you've won already. Yeah, I just had such because I thought I could be brave, but they were like um they were so nice. Dr. Woof. Doctor Wolf. Dr. Wolf was lovely. And he was like, he could tell I was I wasn't like nervous, but he he kind of, without me even saying what I wanted, he found everything.

SPEAKER_06 13:56

Oh so that's what and did you do you know that we're now in the year 4028? I beg your pardon? Because you met the time lord. Oh yes.

SPEAKER_03 14:07

So we're all now we must go see Dr. Woof do drag, I think. Where? I don't know. He goes all over the place, Dr. Woof. Dr. Wolf. Dr. Woof. I said I don't like doctors or dogs, but I like you.

SPEAKER_05 14:23

What have you done, Ariad? What did I do, Lindsay? Let me have a look at my middle.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

You do your admin, and I will see a child's birthday party with my daughter. Oh wow. Which doesn't sound interesting, and it isn't generally interesting. However, I met a nice woman there and her wife, and I want to be friends with them. If you're the lesbians who were at that birthday party, one of you was called Amy. Can we be friends? And then I met my friend Meg was there, and it was nice to see her. We had a chat at the children's birthday party. That was really nice actually.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

I just remembered something. I went to um you know, sometimes you get leaflets through the door for like pubs when they've got like 40% off. So me and May and David went to this pub, and there was another there was a mum there with the daughter the same age as May, and they were playing really nicely, and then they played like all the time we were having our meal, so it was great because they kept each other entertained, and then at the end I said, which I thought was brave of me, can I have your number so we can arrange a plage age? And um let me tell you now, I haven't messaged her.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

She said no. She gave you the wrong number anyway, Lindsay.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Will you though? Yeah, because they got on really well, her May and the child. Oh, that's nice. And um the mum seemed quite nice.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

One Thora had uh I took Thora and her friend to climbing yesterday. They go to like a climbing group.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

Is it bouldering or do they do harnesses? It's climbing up with a harness. Oh proper climbing.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

But they um this little boy, he's so used to my shit, he's her best friend, really. They were talking about what planets they like, and I said, Do you know what my flavourite planet is? And he just went, this seven-year-old boy, Uranus. I said, Yeah, you're right. He just knew my bullshit, he just called me out, he knew straight away.

SPEAKER_06 16:11

Well said he rolled his eyes. Yeah. He was like, Uranus.

SPEAKER_02 16:15

He just knew what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_06 16:18

Well, I had a lovely weekend with Marvin. We had a great time, went to the cinema, went uh, did lots of things, ate loads of food, and then I stayed after I stayed after two gigs and I had a wine. Oh nice. I did a lady. Do you know what I realised? When there's a nice lady gig, I'll always stay and be like, Yeah, I like it.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

If there's um well, you didn't stay on the one you were Dublin because I the one at Comedia Bath, you should have come back. You should have gone and done open that gig and then come back and hung out with me and Danny Danny Johns.

SPEAKER_06 16:55

What so you could you stayed there after? No, I went home. You silly. I hated the other well, I guess I shouldn't say.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

When I was doing the gaff, they all were like, Do you want to stay? And I was like, Oh, we want to, but I do you want to stay what? At the gaff. To do what? They were going out for a drink for somebody's birthday. Oh, that's nice.

SPEAKER_06 17:19

Oh, it was Emma's. Well, it's a good job you didn't bloody stay. They ended up back at the gaff at 5am playing guitar hero. Oh no.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

No, bloody hell.

SPEAKER_06 17:29

Yeah, because I was gonna uh go and then I was so I was just so sick of Portsmouth that I How far's the drive to Portsmouth from where it's like two and a half hours, too much. I had I it I basically it's at a time sometimes when you do comedy, there's like there's a time in the year where your next year's looking quite empty. So he the guy that runs his gigs giving me like 30 gigs in one go, they're all okay paid. So I was like, brilliant. Then I had to do about 30 gigs in bloody Portsmouth, and it's when they're flaggy and uh and I'm so and this let me tell you this. Tell me, woman, I don't care who the fuck she is because she's pissed me off. She runs a comedy night. I don't know. Uh basically, she turned she already pissed me off because she came to another gig and uh she went to all the other comedians, wanted photos with them, and asked them to do her gig and then made uh like a conscious thing of not do that to me. Oh bloody. Then she was in the green room at this gig, a different scandalous, a different gig, chatting away, la la la la la. Then she's there in the second row. Why are you a fucking promoter sitting in the second lit up row? Do I know her? No, I don't know her. I don't know what she's called. The idiot, blonde idiot, if you're listening. And then it's that and she crossed her arms, looking around like when you were out, yeah, yeah. And I and I thought if she, I well, I said, because I was slagging her off, I said, if she has the fucking nerve to come back into the when she's not a part of the night, and she's coming into the green room wanting to chat and then behaving like that. Fucking, yes, I'm not your cup of tea, but I think I'm doing alright. So don't fucking make me feel like I'm shit because you're a fucking nobad. And she's one of these women as well, you know, women, right? It's always women that will be like, I bet she doesn't book women for a night, and I bet she's one of them that will go, I don't usually like female comedians when she is a woman. Well, she can get to fuck. So I was furious, and then and then the people that were ran the gig, they were like, Oh, we haven't got you in uh when are you next with us? And and I thought, Oh my god, I think this means I'm at the end. Oh, you've reached the the end of the day. I've finished. No offense to anyone from Portsmouth, but I'm sick of you.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Portsmouth used to be worse because it used to be what I don't think it is any, it used to be full of squaddies. There was some kind of army. Was there a lot of that?

SPEAKER_06 20:05

Because it is so seaside and squaddy, and then once I was on stage and there was just teenagers behind me with a reunion jack flag.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

It was like that when I was young, because I'm from Poole, it's where people used to go and watch gigs, like we'd go to Southampton or Portsmouth, and my ex-boyfriend used to get beaten up all the time for looking gay, and he was with his friend, and they were these guys were like, Well, come on there, man. And he went, Yeah, who you and whose army? And then his friend was like, the actual army, the squaddies.

SPEAKER_05 20:35

So we need to this woman, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:37

I don't know who she is. I just think I just think there's no need, oh my god, also at this gig, ayi, there was this old lady that was just every time everyone was laughing, she'd go and look at them like that. Like, why are they laughing?

SPEAKER_03 20:57

Because I'm funny, you old bent. I do think that everybody's an acquired taste. Like some that I laugh at, like Dave, I love a funny noise. If you just go, ugh, that's it. I'm I love that. That thank you very much. Um, I don't need jokes. Um, but that some comedians that like people really love, I don't dislike them, but I just go, it's a bit boring at that to be honest. It's uh but I wouldn't ever be like your shit. Like that you're not my my thing.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Yeah, they would say mum and daughter at this gig in Hebden Bridge. I said, because it was Mother's Day, I said, is anyone here with their mum? And there was only one girl there with her mum, but she was quite young, like maybe like 18 or something. And I said, Oh god, my show's really filthy. I said this from the stage.

SPEAKER_06 21:45

I don't think it's that filthy though. Just because there's dildos, that's it.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

There's quite a lot of wanking stuff.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

Wanking's fun, isn't it?

SPEAKER_05 21:52

Do you say wanking? I don't think you're a filthy person.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

I'm not, it's just they I was made to be filthy by them sending me those dildos.

SPEAKER_06 22:01

I feel like it's more about that that happened rather than it being smutty.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

Well, I talk about how I could bend the dildos rounds, one in my vagina and one in my anus, and how it would look like the Lochness Monster emerging from the depths.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

No, that is very That's funny there. Thanks. It does look like the Luch Ness Monster, doesn't it? Yeah. Well, nobody's seen the Lucknest Monster, so we don't know if that looks like the Lochness Monster.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Well, I say it's like one of the old photos that purports to be the Loch Ness Monster.

SPEAKER_06 22:29

Didn't you one day run over the Loch Ness monster? Yeah, didn't you?

SPEAKER_02 22:32

Yes, Harry. I ran over the Nockness Monster. What the fuck are you talking about?

SPEAKER_06 22:37

Didn't you?

SPEAKER_02 22:38

You've really surpassed yourself now.

SPEAKER_06 22:40

No, you were in Scotland and you and you ran over, you went into the sea and you cut. I'm looking at Rich. Now that I'm saying it, didn't you drive into the sea in your car? Yeah. Oh my god, another time uh Eddie got pulled over by a police officer that thought her car was stolen because it was such a heap of shit that it couldn't have possibly made it up from Bristol.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

No, she pulled me over in Edinburgh, like on the motorway, and she said, Is this car got cloned plates? And I said no. And she said, because there's I ran automatic number plate recognition, and there's absolutely no possible way a car in this condition could have made it all the way from Bristol.

SPEAKER_06 23:21

But no, you drove into the sea, and maybe you hit a whale.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Did you drive into the sea?

SPEAKER_06 23:28

Hello?

SPEAKER_03 23:29

Hello, is anyone in?

SPEAKER_06 23:30

I don't know what you're fucking doing. It was your debut hour.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

You drove up the dolphin. Oh my god. I saw a di I saw a dead dolphin. But I didn't know it was and I went to swim with it and then I realised it was dead. But I swam with it anyway. But there's no cars involved because it's what did you get there by car?

SPEAKER_03 23:52

What was that gonna say? Did I tell the story about David and David and the badger? Oh, you'll like this. I know you'll like this.

SPEAKER_06 24:00

Did he ride it?

SPEAKER_03 24:01

No, it's worse than that. We went we were on holiday in Devon, and we just like it was a whole family holiday, and we and at one point me and David decided we wanted to walk towards the front in Appledore, and um Apple. Honestly, it's the weirdest place. But we had to walk down this little country lane, and then and then the the sun was setting, so it was getting dusky, and then there were sheep just bleat bleating, and and like it was getting quite creepy, and then there was a rustling in the side, it was like a badger jumped out of the side of the privet, David shoved me at the badger and ran away. No it's the only time I've ever um well his excuse was you had a better chance than me, which is true scary because he would have died and I would have bit But the badger just went and then ran off.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

I saw I saw like a stoat, I think, running across the road in Yorkshire. Harris nodding wisely running. I was driving to Edinburgh and an animal that I have never seen before, a long, thin rat-like creature, but it was very long and thin, ran across the road in front of me. Got a rice.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

What are them ones that do mere cats? Yeah, the the adverts.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

It wasn't that big. You know who loves mere cats? Old ladies bloody love a mere. You know those mere cats? I know so many old my grandma, quite a cynical, smart woman. Love those advert mirkats.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Because they're on coronations.

SPEAKER_02 25:31

She thought they were so funny.

SPEAKER_03 25:33

They're on coronations. No, they're in the on the adverts.

SPEAKER_06 25:39

What was I gonna say? What's that? Tell that story about when you were on holiday and you thought you what happened? You thought there was a a monster in the sea and you threw a rock at it, but it was a man in a wetsuit. Well, that's the story.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

I was on the front of it. We got to a national trust and there was like a little beach, and um we were just sat there and I could see the I thought it was a seal, that's what I thought it was, but it was like move. Did you throw a rock at a seal? Because I didn't know where it was, it wasn't moving like a seal.

SPEAKER_06 26:05

So why would you throw a rock at something that you think is an animal?

SPEAKER_03 26:09

I wasn't throwing it at it, I was putting it near it to see if it would startle it. That's what I was trying to do, and I threw it, and then um a man just popped up with a snorkel and he'd been under the water looking for treasure, um, but he just popped up to see me, throwing rocks at his head.

SPEAKER_06 26:22

Remember, remember, you said oh sorry, and then his wife goes, No, he deserves it. He deserves it.

SPEAKER_03 26:27

Yeah, he does this all the time. So he's my mentor. What's I gotta talk about? The Georgians. Oh, sorry. No, don't worry, I carry on.

SPEAKER_06 26:36

Well, I once I was in the sea, my brother had his brain stolen by a wasp. I beg your pardon. Yeah, so he me and my brother were in the sea. This is years and years ago, then suddenly a wasp went in his ear and this white stretchy thing stretched out of his ear and just flew off. What? And he screamed and then left. And then I was there. What do you mean it stole his brain? I wow, what uh yes. What do you mean? Well, what what else is in someone's head that a wasp has taken?

SPEAKER_02 27:09

I think something must have come out of the wasp. It's probably the wasp's asshole. Must have like laid something or was on something like that.

SPEAKER_05 27:15

I never thought of that. Yeah, yeah, laid an egg. No, it was stretchy gooey.

SPEAKER_03 27:21

Maybe it's spunked in your brother's ear. Do you know? I haven't ever said the word sponk. Like, that is the most likely explanation.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

I have all of them. Yeah, in the crevice.

SPEAKER_06 27:33

Does it wank with his wing?

SPEAKER_03 27:39

Rich, Rich, could you Googling it there? Yeah, thank you. Can you Google if bees? I love the fact he's automatically Googling. Rich, I'm already doing it.

SPEAKER_06 27:47

Not wasps we well, bees wasp. It's a wasp. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:50

But then the wasps have queens, don't they? So there's only one of them that's reproducing. So uh queen? Um yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:59

But anyway, so my brother's brain went, and then I was still in the sea, and then I was listening to salt and pepper push it on my Walkman, and then suddenly no one else was in the sea. Turned out there was a shark, and I was just there. Gosh. But it was uh it wasn't a proper shark. One of the shit one basking shark eats plankton. Rubbish. But I'm 90% plankton.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

They do.

SPEAKER_06 28:21

What? Listen!

SPEAKER_01 28:22

They have testes.

SPEAKER_06 28:23

Bees have testicles, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

And they uh produce sperm, which is stored in seminal vesticles before ejaculation.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

I genuinely think it probably was. I think the bees are.

SPEAKER_03 28:34

The wasp's pedophile, my brother was so young. Yeah, but how old's the the wasp? It's only gonna be about a day old.

SPEAKER_06 28:40

Wasps it's unsavoury.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

It's everything about it is unsavory. No one wants a wasp wanking in their ear. Anyway, have we got any listener stories? We have someone's I've put one in the chat button. I want to know about the Victorians. Oh, sorry, before the podcast we were talking, I don't remember what it was, but I've started doing this thing where I love Lucy Wardsley, the historian, she's great, and I keep watching this, she's got this series about the Georgians, and uh every time I put it on I fall asleep because it's so peaceful. And I've picked up no information apart from that the Georgians used to serve gin in a pint. You could have a pint of gin. Ay, ay, ay. Wouldn't that be nice? No, that would fuck you up. Yeah, but you're a g you anyway, you're in poverty, you might as well have your gin.

SPEAKER_06 29:28

Mother's ruined. My friends would say, can you please stop drinking gin? It would make me very uh gin sense may demented.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

Yeah. Right, fully mental. Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:39

Reader, reader, reader, reader. Right, I'm gonna read it. I was once on a date and I was a bit hyper, so I started singing musicals as we walked down the street. Yeah. While spelting, singing in the rain, I decided I should jump up onto a lamp post. I'm really liking this already. Oh, yeah, I do. To really look the part, I love climbing things. Only to then discover the lamp post had anti-climb paint on it. I was suddenly covered in this very thick, tar-like black paint. My date had to watch me try and clean it off in the river, and it was very very embarrassing. I thought it was hilarious, but they never spoke to me again.

SPEAKER_06 30:18

Yes, you mad bitch!

SPEAKER_02 30:20

I love this.

SPEAKER_06 30:21

I don't understand why that many people try to climb lampposts. Well, she did, or they but why does so wide? What? So there's anti-climb paint on all the lampposts.

SPEAKER_03 30:32

Not all of them, but they're people use anti-climb paint, don't they stop people climbing? So, um but imagine you're on a date and some somebody starts singing, singing in the road. They were alleged. I don't think I would too. But then the normal people swinging round a lamppost and then going, we've got to find a river. Like you would be like, No, I'm not gonna talk to them.

SPEAKER_06 30:51

Yeah, but what else would they wet themselves in? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, because what would you you're saying? You'd rather go around with a tar like quality.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

I would rather just rub it on the floor or something like that. Oh what?

SPEAKER_06 31:05

And then you'd have gravel stuck to you.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

Like a dog dicking for shit.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Oh yeah. There's no reason. I love this. I had this old housemate and I just got him from like Gumtree. You've got a housemate from Gumtree. You know when you like used to find housemates on like Gumtree. We found this guy and he was like Australian and he was a barista when that was like a very new thing to do. We'd never heard of that before. Barista. Barista, a person who makes coffee, and he'd never heard that.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Oh, that's less impressive.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

But but it was like when that was brand new. Anyway, he was really late to turn up to like our flat when he was meant to come. But and by the time he had actually turned up, I was waiting for him. I'd got so drunk that I was wearing a hat, like a mum's wedding hat that I'd found in the house, and I was playing getting to know you, getting to know all about you. I thought it was really funny, and he turned up, he did not think it was funny.

SPEAKER_03 32:03

Did he move in?

SPEAKER_02 32:04

He did move in.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

What the fuck is wrong with people? No, he'd already agreed to me then. He'd already agreed to me then. He must have been desperate. He'd agreed to do it.

SPEAKER_06 32:14

So creepy. That is something that would be on a dog.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

She is a spooky girl. I am spooky. Getting to know where amount of a wedding had.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

We asked him to leave.

SPEAKER_02 32:27

He painted us Ren Brown because he loved coffee so much.

unknown 32:31

What?

SPEAKER_02 32:32

Well, that's what I assume. And then he also put And then he bought moved his sheep befriended, he was really annoying immediately. This this girl, and she didn't just lit she just didn't leave. And um we asked him to leave, and he was really funny about it, he was really weird about it.

SPEAKER_06 32:48

But why did this this annoys me so much? People that when they move into stuff and then they bring like a partner or move someone out, it's out in. I think that's so fucking rude. Yeah, I'm not I don't um have you ever lived in a house share?

SPEAKER_03 33:01

Yeah. I lived in a house share uh in Worcester for a bit, but it was nice because everyone was we're all mates, we already knew each other. But I don't think I could go and live in a house share with people I didn't know. I think or get oh, I don't like the idea of Well, that's a young, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06 33:17

When you're younger, you do stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

I find it very unnerving. You say who you're gonna end up with. Yeah. I think I'll just camp if I have to.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

I've lived in loads of house shares. Some of them bloody awful.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

Come on then, it's bedtime. So do you win the deal? I would say so. Look at how she's dressed. Fantastic. I'm gonna sit on the sofa tonight naked with this and then when David comes in, I'll go, Fanny! And then I'll go tit. Never burden. Send a badger at him.

SPEAKER_06 33:55

Right, bye-bye. Who's the oh yeah, you one. Please, can you do your thing when you ask for stuff?

SPEAKER_03 34:00

Oh, can you send stuff? Uh socialmuffs.co.uk, please. We've got a form, fill it in. We've got an email address, fill it in. We've got a YouTube channel, please subscribe so we can make some money. Give us some love. Give us some love. And don't let a wasp chase in your ear. Yeah, if you ever see a wasp, it's not the sting, it's the winky. Take care. Bye.