The Bishop

This week on Social Mobs, things spiral almost immediately as the gang revisit Harriet’s lockdown alter ego “Bishop Baskin”, a fully dressed bishop character created to hear people’s sins over Zoom… despite the voice making her physically wretch.

From haunted Ouija boards in school toilets and green-screen disasters, to dream boys, train meltdowns, poppers in sex shops, mushroom-fuelled comedy audiences and the world’s worst first class passenger, this episode is absolute chaos from start to finish.

There’s also talk of Bristol’s pie festivals, nits “addicted to the nightlife”, matching moth tattoos, impossible-to-drink-from mugs, and why Amy may have officially won the week after voluntarily socialising with actual humans.

It’s unhinged, deeply British, and somehow still weirdly wholesome.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. So shall mod Ready? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 0:09

Let's go. Who's gonna do the intro? I'm I'm not.

unknown 0:13

Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 0:14

Shop me too.

SPEAKER_03 0:15

You're the best one. Okay. No offence, Amy. No, it's fine. I'll just do it sensibly.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Oh no, fine, do it sensibly.

SPEAKER_03 0:21

Do it sensibly, Lindsay do it.

SPEAKER_04 0:22

I'll do it like I'm Amy. Hello, Amy, Amy, Amy.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Why do you say hello?

SPEAKER_04 0:29

I'm from Bristol. Or am I? Nobody knows.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

No, I can't do accents. No, but A doesn't have an accent.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

No, it's uh shall I do your? People always think I'm from Bristol.

SPEAKER_04 0:46

Yeah, you've got a really neutral, eloquent, eloquated, eloqued. I could do Harriet's. I know I'm Harriet, die, I like.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

No, but it's a little bit of Manchester too. There's a little bit of a twang. You think? With you? No, with me! No, I've been to Manchester like twice in my life. Love it!

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Picked up the accent.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

No. Harriet's um Harriet goes between that and that's the Harriet's like very I'm Harriet. That's Harriet. Sounds like a dinosaur.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

You know when we originally met? Uh when we origin yeah You know when we spoke about how we knew each other on here, do you know what we forgot to mention? Do you remember Bishop Basket?

unknown 1:31

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Who? What? During lockdown.

SPEAKER_04 1:37

I decided I would be. Can I can I just put this into Harriet during lockdown was messaged me like she does. You know, when she says something and you're just like, okay. Yeah. So I said f like and you just go, yeah, whatever. I don't know what you're running about.

SPEAKER_03 1:54

You have to be like that if you're friends with Harriet. Yeah. You have to just accept things.

SPEAKER_04 1:57

Sometimes random noises come out. You just have to and I was like, whatever, whatever. Carry on. So yeah, carry on about Bishop.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Go on. Oh, so then I got why did I get I must have got it especially. I got a full Bishop outfit, and then I I was a character called Bishop Baskin, as in shark. And uh and then I would interview uh people. I mean I only did three, and the issue was that the voice I found the own my own voice that I decided to do for it so difficult that I kept wretching. Yeah, was that Bishop?

SPEAKER_04 2:40

She's doing this via um Zoom and she didn't really she didn't really give me any context as to what was fucking happening. Well, it was just you and her. Oh and John was like John Pearson was doing like the sound and that and uh but like she just kind of joined the Zoom in a full like bishop's hat and she was like, I messed up masking and I'm is it you're appeasing people since?

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Oh yeah, so people would tell me what they'd done and then I would appease them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Incredible. I wish I could oh I'd love to see that.

SPEAKER_04 3:14

But I just remember David lying on the floor out of shock because I needed something, and he he crawled in and gave me like a something like that.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Oh, I don't know. You stepped over what is in your sin. I can't remember what one of your sins was that you purposely encouraged an ex to get off with someone else so that you could break up with them. No, no, no. I paid someone to snog my exactly.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

Paid them and then he confessed to me, oh, and I was like, Oh, you've broke my trust.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

I thought something was to do with the vending machine as well.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

Oh, I in at school I um vandalised the vending machine. Why to get the chocolate out? Uh I used to kick the choice. Because it was stuck, yeah. And and then we all had like there was a big uh the next morning there was like a big thing, and they like got everyone and goes like who's vandalised? We know who it is, so still talk about it, and I was like, oh no. And then they blame this lad called John who um and I will and he got escorted and told But um sorry John.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Is it is it Bash app appeased you, you're fine.

SPEAKER_04 4:17

No, no, because I should have appealed I should have messaged John and said, I'm sorry, it was me. But he probably doesn't even fucking remember.

SPEAKER_03 4:23

I got done. Do you remember when you say I got done? I got done. I got done for doing a Ouija board on sports day. In the toilets. Really classic Amy Mason there, hiding from the sports and doing a Ouija board.

SPEAKER_04 4:36

We we had a school chapel, because it was like it was only little, and we used to go get our lunch, and they would take the tox in a bag, put them in our pocket, go into the school chapel, and then do light as a feather, stiff as a board. Do you remember that? We used to pick people up by your fingers. Oh yeah. Never worked. There was two of me, whoever, you can't pick me up with your fingers.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Also, because of the background, because it was uh so we would have a church in the background of Bishop Baskin, and then so there were so it was like a green screen, and then because at the time my stepkids were like kept running in and then one time one of them was wearing a green top.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

So then this just this severed head with an afro that's just floating around in the background. Do you remember?

SPEAKER_03 5:22

Oh that's so funny. I went mad in lockdown. I bleached my hair and then dyed it green. I had bright green hair in lockdown.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

I think you two green hair to go with your frog statues.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

There's a video of me in lockdown on my own that I took doing Taylor Swift shake it off really sadly with bright green hair. I keep moving like that, just to myself.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

I can imagine you instead of having hair, having is it called oasis? You know, those things that you put the plants on.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

Oh, the moss, the green.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Oh, I love that. That's squishy. It's a bit, it's it's a very thin line though, isn't it? Between being a lovely consistent.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

And making you go, we should bring that back, but like remark it as like squish toys for stressed people.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

No, because it's not squishy. It's squished it's fun. Yeah. It's disappeared.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

It's clumflaw ball. Clum flaw ball. Yeah. Clum flaw ball. Clum flaw. Can you do my accent, Harriet?

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Well, I do your voice tonight, my brother, and he laughs.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

I'd go in the bath with a bath ball me to give you slush.

SPEAKER_04 6:42

That is right, that is me. Do Amy now. Amy's is so neutral. It's boring.

SPEAKER_03 6:47

I've I I I've I've got oasis as her. Oh, this is bor I um I used to have such a deep voice when I was a child that the knit nurse got her friend to come to listen to my voice when she was doing my checking me for nets at school.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Did you get knits?

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Oh, I've had knits when I was younger.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

I think the low decibels of your voice vibrated the nits away.

SPEAKER_04 7:14

The knits are like this. Can't say on this loud head of a voice.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

I had knits like in my twenties. Oh my god. Yeah, it was just a way of life. Yeah. I didn't think a way of life. I was a raver and I just I used to go to raves and therefore I had knits. Yeah, but they didn't vibrate out with the vibrations. You're just making it up. I mean mine were addicted to the nightlife.

SPEAKER_03 7:49

Yeah, they didn't have to pay to get into the club. They were so funny. There they were. It was like I had a whole big fish, little bitch gobble box with their tiny little net arms.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

I think I had a like a conservation of knits in my head. Anyway, what have you been up to this week? Well, do you want to know something awful? In fact, I'm blaming Rich. Guess what happened last time I was here? Did you shit your pants? Pitch your pants. Fall over? No, I got uh parking ticket. Oh, sorry, the key there in my stomach. I got uh six uh points on my licence. From what? From um on the way back from here. That's not rich's point, is it? Well, this it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have come here.

SPEAKER_04 8:38

Yeah, Rich. You fucking He's got his chinos on again, he means business.

SPEAKER_03 8:42

I regret that. I assume I put them on the spoiler and I knew it was gonna get mentioned.

SPEAKER_04 8:45

What? Do you ever wear anything but chinos? Yeah, he had little drain points last time.

SPEAKER_03 8:50

Oh yeah, we did. We had a little drain points. I came in this morning and Rich had his ass out showing you a tattoo on his arms.

SPEAKER_04 8:56

He's got a tattoo of a snake that says Cavosone 7 on it. Fucking amazing. The snake is it's so detailed that it looks like it's coming out of his ass cheek.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

I thought it was like it's like the cobra in uh karate. Yeah, yeah, maybe. I've got a tattoo.

SPEAKER_03 9:11

I've got a tattoo in the Algarve when I was young, and it was so immediately so bleed so bleedy and disgusting. But when it when she's when he started, I was like, Oh, I won't drink after this, and he was like, You weren't meant to drink before, and I'd be drinking fish bowls of like cocktails all week and it healed so bad. And when it started, my friend was meant to have a tattoo at the same time, and she just backed out. But she was gonna get a tattoo with Michael Jackson's feet moonwalking, which in retrospect it was good she didn't get at.

SPEAKER_04 9:39

I think we should all get a matching tattoo and you, Rich. Can we get a knits? No, I don't want knits on me. I'd love a knit. I've got a moth on my leg already. Oh I've got a moth. Oh, do I need to get a moth?

SPEAKER_03 9:52

I don't really love you, you gotta get a moth. I'll get a moth on the other cheek. Yeah. Same cheek. No, next to it. No, get one wing on each cheek.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

Not down the crack.

SPEAKER_04 10:00

Yeah. I went to see a stripper. Have I told you this story? Recently. No, ages ago. And when he at the end, like he he had a W and a W on each ass cheek. So it said, wow, but then I said, when is the other way around? It says Mum.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

And then uh Yeah, if ever he's aerial My friend had a buff a piece of ice powder. Yeah, like it he's up in a string. Like a duck.

unknown 10:26

What?

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Bobbing in the water.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

No, upside down, aerial diving.

SPEAKER_04 10:31

I don't think he would be. I don't know him that well.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

That's the only way he'd be mum.

SPEAKER_03 10:35

Someone got a butler in the buff for my friend's birthday, and he had a bit of Louis hanging out between us arsenally.

SPEAKER_04 10:40

Shut up! My friend had a butler in the buff and it was her Hendoo. And I was just like, I don't like a penis this close to my moose mouche. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

There was once though that this girl I know had a stripper and then in fact, did you ask me last time if I'd been to a Hendoo? No. Oh well I I I I reali I said no to someone, but I realised, but this wasn't a real one. This guy had baby oil in a coke bottle. What? Dunno, he just had a coke bottle with baby oil, put it on, and then he was just and we were like, Do you want this, Thomas?

SPEAKER_00 11:19

He just looked, he just looked really sad.

SPEAKER_04 11:23

He made it a late a ladies' night. My mum, my mum was telling me I think yeah, my mum was telling me she went to a ladies' night thinking it would be like um just women. I can't remember if she said like people knitting reading for. I don't think she was ready. It was like a four- I can't remember who she went with.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Oh blessed.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

She was telling me it's like when I went to Magaloo thinking it was gonna be a tourist, like historical.

SPEAKER_04 11:47

But I went to a ladies' night with my friend and her mum, and um I remember that the stripper had a 007 tattoo, and he was slightly cross-eyed, and um he was he did this thing where he held the towel up in front of him, and the old the older ladies would sit would move chairs on the front row, so they were like there was a front row of women just on their own watching this man, and he held a towel in front of him and he he squirted baby lotion, not baby oil, baby lotion, the pink stuff, on his knob, then removed the towel and proceeded to flick and wang his dinkle. So all this baby oil, baby lotion was flying all over the room, and all these old women were like eating it. They're like trying to grab the baby it's not for me. No, I like a knob when it's asleep.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Well, because it's I did um a comedy night where dream boys were in the other room. Oh, I've done that. I did that once. It's awful, and I was doing comedy to the sound of the like do and and and first of all, there was all this screaming, and I was like, my god, they really want the comedy, but no, it's for the dream boys. For the cock. And then um Phil, I was doing it with Phil Ellis, and and he says he says that um a lady, um, he went to go to the toilet, and there was a lady tossing um a dream boy off into a flower pot.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

You can have your philosophy.

SPEAKER_04 13:22

That's all I was thinking there. Poor Phil.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Poor everyone. Anyway, what have you done this week?

SPEAKER_04 13:30

I've actually done the stuff.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

I, for the first time in so long, I went, I did some tour dates around and some other gigs, and I went for a drink with my mum's cousin in Soho Theatre. Then I went, I saw my friend, an old friend from when I was really young, and she was so funny when we were young, like absolutely off her head. And then she turned up at my show, bearing in mind she's like in her 40s now on mushrooms. What? Brilliant with her friends on mushrooms. They were the best audience members ever because they were like absolutely pissing their pants. They were brilliant. And then who else? I saw another friend, and then when I went to this is the best bit I did, when I went to the Mac um comedy festival, I did this panel, and then I met some new people and I went for a drink with new people.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Wow! Are you doing it sober as well?

SPEAKER_03 14:20

Yeah, I only went for like one drink, but still I did it.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

I think that's great, Amy.

SPEAKER_04 14:25

That's a great start because you're always going, oh I don't just but you this is a wonderful milestone for you. You've you've you've reached out and gone off with people you don't know.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

And that's like what, three, four social things? I know, yeah. I think you've won it already.

SPEAKER_03 14:41

Unbelievable.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Well done. I think you've won. She's won.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

Thanks very much.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

We'll go home now. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:47

Well, thanks for coming. I went to Stratford with David and my daughter and wandered about. We went on a little rowboat thing. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. No? I just kept thinking I just want to get in the water, but you can't stink in it.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

That was interesting. Why did you want to get in the water?

SPEAKER_04 15:04

I always think that especially after what you've been through. What do you mean? Oh, when I was in the sewage programme. Yeah, but I wasn't in it, wasn't it? I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

Lindsay had a part in that dirty business.

SPEAKER_04 15:21

It was literally 30 seconds of it. You were really good at it. I messaged that and you didn't say thanks, like it, anything. People message me all the time telling me I'm great. I don't have time. I have time to say thank you to everybody, otherwise I'd never get anything done. It was in the group chat, Lindsay. I didn't see it. Yeah, I didn't see it. Oh let me have a left me hanging. Well, John. Let's search the screen. Well done, Lindsay. Well, John. Let's have a look. Social mobs. Let's search the word well.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

I mean, come along. That's long for well done.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

He said, well done. Oh well done. Well done. I mean, this is a lot. Are we really doing this?

SPEAKER_04 16:07

Yeah, we're I'm Googling. You've done so well. It looks so prof. Nobody said the word well done to me in the group chat. I'm um I'll take the compliment there face to face. Thank you. But your grandma's livid with you, wasn't she? Yeah, because she my nan was like, why didn't you give that man his pip assessment? You were really horrible. And I said, I didn't write the script. And I said, No, so it's based on a real person's experience. You were really good. And um, I said it was actually quite hard to film, and blah blah. And she was like, Well, I think you're horrible. You should have given him his money, and then he wouldn't have had all his hat. I was like, Fuck it out. She told me again to quit comedy and become a hairdresser. That's another one she's doing at the minute.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

God, is your gun like someone that if she saw someone in the street, like I don't know, Tracy Barlow or something, she she would be like, I don't know about you, liver with yourself. No, she can't disconnect.

SPEAKER_04 16:58

No, I think she does. I think she's just deliberately difficult. Oh she is difficult. You were told she needed a haircut the other day and she said, You really hurt my feelings like that. And then I was like, and she went, got ya, got ya. She was like, I nearly got ya then. You thought you really upset me, didn't you? And then she was cut her head off. How old is she? 94. What? Good for her. She told me she cuts her own hair at the front, and I was like, Stop it. Because I have to cut, I don't have to, I like cutting her hair. And she like she says, She says, Well, if I see a bit sticking up, I just if I see anything sticking out, I just cut it off. And I said, Oh, I don't do that to grandad. And then uh kids like she doesn't.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

I'm just horrible. How old's your granddad? Older than uh, they're doing bloody well, aren't they? Do they live on their own?

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah, you kept that quiet. We're not chatting from the rooftop. Oh, we're with National Treasures as granddaughter, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:56

But it's really humbling when I go and see them because they don't give a shit. Like it's unbelievable. Like when I did um comic relief um weeky slink, uh apparently halfway through, my granddad just got up and walked off to make a cup of tea because he was that uninterested in what was happening.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

So there's nothing like that, is it? To bring you down to us. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my dad was like, Well, when I did Apollo, he was like, Well, I'll be in Greece. Good luck.

SPEAKER_04 18:26

My mum I said, Do you want to come watch me? She said, Oh, I don't want to leave the dog. Which is my brother came. I think she did want to come, but it was someone had to have May. And I was like, uh, so my mum did have May overnight, so thank you, Mummy. I'm not allowed to talk about not allowed to talk on the podcast, but um I wish she made it.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Is she not happy? No, she's a I don't like it when you all call me sweet.

SPEAKER_04 18:52

I'm not sweet. I was like, no, you you are you are, she is, I think she is. I think she is sweet. Yeah, I think she's a good person. Is she not uh allowed to be? Well, if my mum wants everyone to think she's an arsehole, I'll say she's an arsehole, but I don't think she's an arsehole. Sorry, Tina, if we've upset you. We haven't said you just like something to moan about. As we all do. What's what's that? So, what have you done? Nothing this week.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Excuse me. I have don't assume I've done nothing. You're backing now like I'm grumpy and angry. I'm not.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

No, but this is what I mean. This is what we were saying last time. You will fly off off the tit about something at random. I'll go, I asked you, so you've done nothing this week.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

I don't know. Why are you assuming I've done nothing? I said, because you haven't said you've done it. Well, maybe I'm waiting for my moment.

SPEAKER_04 19:45

Your moment is here, Harriet. Take the stay.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Right. Well, what have I done? I went to the seaside. Yeah. Western Supermare. Yeah, had a lovely time. My hands were big. Who were Donkey Lady? No. Marv. Marvin. Uh, because of all the um two Ps. Very dirty. Dirty money. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:07

Dirty business. And I've I was in that.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

Um and I got, what did I got? To get two key rings, two cups. I'm not gonna make the joke. Congrats on that. I'm not. So that's fun. Then uh what? I'm not gonna make the joke. What joke? The cups two girls. Oh that was one cup, but no, no. But you know, I thought of you actually. Do you know that, Rich?

SPEAKER_04 20:34

Are you aware of two girls? Of course he does.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

I don't want to talk about that, thank you. Okay. So I thought of you, because you know when you come around mine and the only cup left was that ridiculous dinosaur one that you've got.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

Yeah, which was impossible to drink about.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Yeah, uh well, and I've now got another cup that's impossible to drink. It's a pug cup with a square rim. I don't know who's making these. That could be a career for you. You could foresee vessels.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

Foresee vessels? Like what, like a like a psychic for for vessels, for drinking vessels.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

No, no, no, you like an inventor. Yeah, and you have uh a hat with a circle on it, and then you two like a saint. Like a bishop. Yeah, and then you you dip your head down to make sure it the vessel. Well, I you know, I I I'm just brainstorming.

SPEAKER_04 21:25

She's just letting it she's just letting it all out.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

So I went to the seaside and then I also went. Let me tell you this. I've had, you know, I mentioned last time about the I'd like to make an appeal. The the I've had an absolute and I know you said said I was being s like going on about it, but I think I'm quite right to go on about it. The cross country trains I've never known anything. So but first of all, every single train you get, they're like, Oh, the oh well, it's overcrowded. They're saying it like they're surprised. Yeah. They don't need to be surprised because every single train is overcarled because they're going from Scotland to Cornwall with only four carriages. People could physically not get in. One man threw his bag in anger.

SPEAKER_05 22:13

Throw your bag in anger.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

And uh people physically couldn't get out. That's the day ruined. And then a man fell over, squashed. Uh well, these people were idiots, to be honest. They would they were just like cumbyaring in a circle. Uh when the door, so the door weren't shut. Then a man who was very smelly, bless him, with his dog, and then he fell over, and then he's planking at an angle. The whole thing, it was an absolute, you couldn't, it's inhumane. People can't go to the toilet because you can't get past people because there's a man falling with his dog. Then people, and then and then the poor people that are just sitting at the so you can't get in the toilet. And it's like what I said, they shouldn't be charging tickets when there's they should only be charging tickets if you can get a seat. So I think they should uh get a ticket, and then if you've um if you can get a seat, £10. And then, and I think that's why it's called cross country because everyone's very cross and they put the in country. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 23:20

Can I you've reminded me of a fantastic thing that happened this week? Like it's amazing, it's the best thing I've ever seen. I had to the I was doing a thing in London and they'd upgraded me to first class coming back, right? But the train before was cancelled, so it was really rammed, and the first class carriage was just one our one carriage.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

And you can't you still can't go because the toilet is in the standard class, so you still go, we'll still can't go to the toilet. Not on a vanter, madame.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Oh I was on I was on the train, I got on the train, I sat down at a table, sat next to this bloke, lovely man. Said, oh, so it was like, yeah, yeah, sit here. Um, and then this couple got on. Oh my god, this woman. I couldn't work out how old she was because she looked, she either looks like she's had a bad youth or she's had work done badly. Do you know when you're they're like she crossed and she came on and she had this bag, I want to say Louis Vuitton, and she walks on with this bloke, and she said, uh, she said, I think his name was John. She went, John, can you put my bag in the overhead? I don't want to put it in that because I want to be able to see where my bag is at all times, and I can't reach. So he passed a struggle putting his bag up, and he was like, Where can I put my bag? And she was like, put it over there in the carriage. So the bloke just scrolled enough, put it over there. He sat down. And um, he said, We're in first class, we haven't got a first class ticket. And she was like, Don't worry, it won't be very expensive. But obviously, they come round, and I was like, There's my ticket, there's my ticket. Got to them, and she said, Oh, we want to upgrade. And the woman was like, Oh, it's um it's like 90 quid, and she was oh that's not bad. And she was like, No, each, it's 90 quid each. And you can see her going, so he ended up paying for it, and he was she was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And then she decided, she spoke the whole journey, right, at like the a really loud volume, and she was talking about because all these gay people, and oh and the and the guy was like, Can you talk at a volume that's quieter? And you saw, and I saw her go like, she's like, I'm just talking at a volume that I think I need to be at. Because last night I got really drunk and I go a bit deaf when I've been drinking, so I'm talking at a volume that people need to hear me about. And he was like, Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

But why does everyone else need to hear me?

SPEAKER_04 25:33

I don't know, but then I got the vibe, like they must have I think they'd gone to London for a week and then they hadn't been going out that long. It was really weird, and it was I really was enjoying the drama, and he was trying to talk about something else, and she'd go, anyway, you should never tell me to be quiet because I am who I am, and it just read right fucking knob. And then the train before it got so they'd upgraded to Birmingham New Street before Birmingham New Street gets to Birmingham International. Birmingham International pulls up, he goes, I've just got to go to the toilet. He gets home, grabs his bag, shut up, gets off the train. Seriously, leaves around the train totally unaware. She's just sat there like that, waiting for him to come back. She, after about five minutes, is like, where is he? She looks and sees his bag's gone and goes, Oh, like that. And then she said to the woman, the the lady in the carriage, the train, she says, What time does this train get in? And on what platform? She went, Oh, your guess is as good as mine. Um, she said, because I've got to make a connecting train at something, whatever time it was. She went, Oh no, you'll miss that. She went, You'll miss that, there's no chance. So the woman was then flapping. And then when she went to get off the train, she was like, Can you get my bag down for me? And I was like, No. I said, No, I can't. You're not staffed. I said, I'm not getting your bag down. And then they said to the woman, well, she said to the woman, can you get my bag down? The staffed lady. And she went, Oh, you're taller than me, you've got a better chance. And I was like, Everybody on this fucking carriage hating this woman. She'd had the I fucking loved it. When he just got off, he made no, he just got up, uh, goes to the toilet, grabs his bag, walked off the train. And I thought, what what a man. And she just was the worst. I took pictures all the way through. So if anybody, maybe I'll set up a patron so we can see these photos. She was the worst person. You took pictures.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

Amazing. I went on a um I went this uh boyfriend of mine when I was like in my twenties, he came and stayed with me in London, and he didn't know what I was like at the time, which was quite a messy person, and he was quite a gentle, quiet, sort of simple man. Annoying. We um first night he was there. I made him go to a sex shop with me so I could buy poppers and then spilt them on the carb machine at the sex shop, and they said you can never come back here again, implying that I'd been there a lot of times to buy poppers. Then I pissed, then I pissed in the street. Then the next day we were going to bath. Me and him, I can't remember why giggle something. As soon as we got there, he dumped me and said, You're not who I thought you were. I would fucking dump you if you pissed in the street and spilt poppers on a floor. Yeah, but when it was in early 20s, it was the kind of what thing we did. So then when I was in bath, he waited till we got to bath though to dump me. He said, You're not who I thought you were. Then I was in bath on my own for two nights. I think I couldn't afford to go back earlier. Got on the train to leave to go back, and we had reserved seats, and he went, came and sat next to me. And there were other seats he could have sat in, and so I just cried the entire way back, begging him to get back out with me, even though I didn't bloody want to go back out with him. I was just annoyed he'd dumped me.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

How was he like? Well, did he pretend like nothing had happened? Like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

No, he was just like, Oh, I've got this seat reserve, so I'll come and sit here.

SPEAKER_04 28:50

Speaking of being on your own, um, I've had um listeners, just to do a quick listener one. So, uh, a bit of advice is required. Hello, I've recently moved to Bristol and I'm absolutely loving it. Lindsay, when are you coming to visit me, please? I don't know who you are. I was wondering if you had any tips. Oh, it might be Ben. Any tips on making new friends in the new city? Well, you were always farting about it. You can be friends with me, Ben. Thinking of joining the LGBT running club, but any other thoughts are welcome. Much love.

SPEAKER_03 29:26

Ben, you can be friends with me. I like the LGBT. Kiss is in the street, don't like the running. But as long as we can just don't talk about running, we can get on fine.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

I can think of anything worse than running in Bristol. There's overflowing bitches.

SPEAKER_04 29:39

I thought you were gonna say running and being gay. That's what I thought you were saying. I can't think of anything worse than being gay and running.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Well, maybe run the harbour, it might be nice to run.

SPEAKER_04 29:48

Yeah. Where can you run in where do you is that it?

SPEAKER_01 29:52

Is that the harbour's nice? Well, because there's that many runners in the harbour that Marvin thought there was a marathon on.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

Yeah, it's quite hilly, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 30:02

I don't know, Bristol. What's fun to do there? Because you're both there.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

There's loads of like really good food places, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03 30:08

And there's a lot of like cultural, there's always like things like art things and music things and stuff like that. Yeah. And weird festivals like mushroom festivals.

SPEAKER_04 30:17

Bike fixture. He's a very sociable, lovely boy, and I recommend being friends with him if you are in Bristol.

SPEAKER_03 30:23

Introduce me. What how do you know him?

SPEAKER_04 30:25

Um, it's a very weird. I used to be I made friends with this girl who was on MySpace and also at university with me, who was insane. And then one of and she was also worked at Tesco's with Ben when we were about 19, probably 18. So one day she turned up with Ben. Um, and I became friends with Ben and then stopped talking to the girl because she was crazy.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

That's it. Oh, so that's nice. That was what's that? From um from a lump of shit mushroom cums. Ben, you are my mushroom shit. Thank you very much. I'd like to forage for some mushrooms and eat them. Should we get some truffles? Can you is that chocolate or is that we get some pig snuffling for them?

SPEAKER_03 31:08

Can we go pig truffling? I can see her doing that. Yeah. As a pig. Yeah. So you say something like that to her, she just takes it on the chin. Yeah, you can't. You look like a truffle pig. You go, yeah. Cross country true.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

Cross, I am country indeed. But do you know I don't like um uh like mor morally and uh ethically, that's uh an injustice. I'm not a fan of it. It is an injustice. That's most people, I think, find injustice. You think that you hope that, but people were very immoral.

SPEAKER_04 31:48

Don't look at her, she pisses in the street.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Anyway, that'll do. It's been a great Amy won. Yeah, I think Amy did. Well done, Amy.

SPEAKER_03 31:55

The first time in my bloody life.

SPEAKER_01 31:57

First time in your life you've gone. I imagine when I said well done, you won't I imagine a moth coming down, you getting on it's back and it flying off with you. Yeah, yeah. Remember, what's our advice though for Ben? Um, get keep running. Hang out with me.

SPEAKER_04 32:09

Okay, hang out with Amy. Uh I don't know if Bristol can't help you. Um avoid the hills. Don't go to the hills.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

What about cut go to a comedy night? Oh, do you know, Spike Island by me? There was a pie festival that I walked into by accident on the way back from Leeds.

SPEAKER_03 32:27

Pie? Yeah. All the pies. I used to work at Spike Island. Uh well, that's the city. Is that a real place? It doesn't sound like a real place. I used to just sleep on the floor of the disabled toilet.

SPEAKER_01 32:36

I've never been there.

SPEAKER_03 32:37

Oh, it's good. That's Galloway. It's a Galloway in a nice cafe and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

Yeah. You should.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

I don't see it's having a turn.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

I just don't understand. It's an island.

SPEAKER_04 32:46

Where I live is an island. It's got cafes. Well, no, not that. There was a lot to unpack. Like you were like, Spike Island, it's an island pie festival. Amy's asleep on a disabled toilet. And I was just like, there's a lot to uh There is a lot going on.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

All right then. Did you know that you can buy a key to a disabled toilet on eBay? Yes. Thanks for coming. It's been a laugh.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

No, no, it's perfect.