The bitch is back

The Social Moths are back together and, unsurprisingly, things descend into chaos almost immediately. From embarrassing childhood stories and disastrous first experiences with sugar to drunken confessions, school disco disasters, and questionable New Year's Eve decisions, nothing is off limits in this episode. 

The gang swap holiday stories from Cornwall, Greece and Stockholm, discuss the realities of parenting, share tales of holiday camp drama, footballs flying across beaches, and why some people should never be allowed near gin. Along the way there's a surprising amount of discussion about butter, droopy boobs, soft play politics and the unique pace of life in Cornwall. 

Packed with ridiculous stories, sharp observations and plenty of laughs, this is Social Moths at its unfiltered best.

Follow, subscribe and let us know your own social mishaps, awkward holiday moments and childhood chaos stories. We'd love to hear them. 

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. Social mods.

SPEAKER_04 0:08

I'm back, baby. Hello? I'm back. The bitch is back. The bitch is back. And don't you worry about these episodes overrunning to 45 minutes like they have been because I'm here now to sort these fucking little toads out. I'm not having it. I have two weeks off, and the old place goes to shit. There was one episode where Harriet doesn't even speak into the microphone. It's like, what are these women doing? It's awful when I'm the one that has to be the Well, you would have all Rich would be sorting it out.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Well do I not I didn't even listen to it.

SPEAKER_04 0:45

In the mic, Rich, people need to hear your voice.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Oh little chino stamping lines.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

I think it was on the episode.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

You can't.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

No, it's the episode on the one before. Because you were there.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

What were they like this episode?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Yeah, that's the one where that's where Harriet literally did one minute of the mic whether it wasn't next to her.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Well, I felt like I wasn't there.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

Was it? What were they like this episode? Tell us the truth, Lindsay. Well, I enjoyed the dictator one. I'm surprised you got the last you didn't get the last. I even thought, did I even say that? That was quite funny. And I'm not gonna lie, last episode I haven't listened to because I thought they'll fill me in when I get there. You can't remember.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

It wasn't very I haven't found anything to clip up from it. Well, leave it then.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Oh dear, that's not a good sign, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 1:28

No, no. There was the one thing about the having a squatter in my house, but I don't think I wanted to put that out.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Was it just depressing? Mm-hmm. I think that's fair enough because I think sometimes our listeners probably get depressed. Do you?

SPEAKER_04 1:42

Well, we don't want to drag them further down into the pit of misery. No, but it's relatable content, isn't it? Relatable content.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

And I think it was nice for for poor Amy to get a word in actually.

SPEAKER_04 1:52

Get it off my chest. I can't have thought therapy. Is there anything you need to say now before we begin? Or forever hold your peace. Hold your peace.

SPEAKER_03 2:00

I was talking about how long my boobs are. Do you know what? I ages ago, I did uh I I say this, I really like the brand. I'm not gonna say who they are, but they did a thing where they said you could like get a free top of theirs if you um tried it on and let them use a picture or like a little video of it for advertising. So I did it, and the whole point of it is it kind of lifts your boobs up. So I was like just like fuck it kind of attitude, and just showed what my boobs were like in a top before, and then I put the top on and was like, woo, but it was pretty bad, but they're very like open about bodies and stuff. So I was like, Yeah, liberation, and I they I just got advertised it like three years later, and they're still using it for advertising now. Yeah, but it's really embarrassing.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

Is your face in it? Yes, well, did they pay you?

SPEAKER_03 2:55

No, I just got a top. I'd need to uh it's a really nice brand, and I and I feel bad because I don't want to sound like I'm slacking them off. Would we be would we know it was you?

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Is it got your head in it? If it's got her face in it, how would we not know it was her? Well she might have had her hair up.

SPEAKER_04 3:13

She's very confusing when she's gonna be able to get it.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

Anyway, I haven't contacted them, so I shouldn't be saying anything negative at all. No blame to them. It's my own fault because I said it was fine. It's your own droopy cadavers. Those are my own very droopy cadavers. They like roll into themselves. I might get them done. I used to have a joke where I said that when I un when I um when I took my bra off, it was like two uncoiled giant. Venetian wolves. It's like two snakes uncoiling themselves towards the oil. Yeah, like a red carpet. I can fold mine in there.

SPEAKER_04 3:45

A red carp? Carpet! Oh. I don't like how they stick to it. Just any carpet. Yeah, any old bit of cut off from um Killer Minster carpet. Perfect fit every time. Did you have that advert?

SPEAKER_05 4:01

No.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

I like the idea though of them rolling out rolling out and then people walking across.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

Mine, I can roll it up like a croissant.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Yeah, yeah. Have you seen how much butter is at a croissant? It's like mainly butter. Not enough. I put more on. I put more on as well.

SPEAKER_04 4:15

I love a warm quas and a little cold butt. What's the cold butt? But uh, cold butter. Oh. Who's the um Cornish woman uh on the bus? The Cornish one who does the cream. She's one of your lot from Cornwall. One of your lot.

SPEAKER_03 4:31

Rod Rod Rodney, Rod Rodney's Cornish craft Cornish.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

Don't even, have I never told you about that? What? That I used to go out with someone that was on the milk. No, the the I think this is different now. And is this libelous? I don't know, but they Are they dead? No. Don't name them. I wasn't gonna. Well, don't. But they their par they had a lot of money. So they were brothers and they had a lot of money because their parents owned Rodders clotted cre clotted cream.

SPEAKER_04 4:57

That's very identifiable.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

Who could that be?

SPEAKER_03 5:01

Yeah, but what about them?

SPEAKER_00 5:02

What was the I've gotta say something liable now? But carry on. Well, the guy was very hairy. He was the guy, you know, in my in my thing, I used to say a guy was very skinny, very hairy, so we called him the pipe cleaner.

unknown 5:13

Oh god.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

That's him. And he was so hairy, and he had the absolute audacity to tell me my arms were too hairy, wanted me to shave my arms. No, it's just fluffy. And then um, but he was like a carpet. And then um uh what was the point of that?

SPEAKER_03 5:32

I was talking about I nearly got off with Roy Cropper from Coronation Street son once, who looked just like him.

SPEAKER_04 5:40

Roy Cropper, the one who wears Macs and went out with Hailey Cropper and owns the cafe. Yeah. Boys Roy's Bat was it called. Roy's Roy's Roy's. I'm looking for a good day.

SPEAKER_05 5:53

Roy's Roy's Roy's butter your bat.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

Anyway, my story about the bat. Um the butter, the rotors, roders, yeah, does a butter that's salted, but it's really nicely salted.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

I didn't even know they did butter.

SPEAKER_04 6:07

Yeah? I had when I was on holiday, I've been on holiday, thanks for asking how it was. You're really kind to me. Um That's what the whole premise of the podcast is. So we're obviously gonna hear about it, you send you all witch.

SPEAKER_03 6:18

Yeah, go on then.

SPEAKER_04 6:19

Um the the butter in Cornwall, Cornwall is so nice. I had that, I took it home with me. You know, normally when you leave stuff in the caravan, I I've made sure that butter came with me all the way back up the M5.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

I've never had it.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

I love it.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

What, the rod is butter?

SPEAKER_03 6:37

I love butter. I love butter. To me, a jacket potato is just a vest a vehicle for butter.

SPEAKER_04 6:44

I once ate a I never liked jacket potatoes growing up, and then I I did this thing, I remember it was bonfire night, and I just had a jacket potato in the house, and um, because mum, we'd had some people, we went to watch fireworks and went back to mum's, and then uh I say went back to mum's. I I lived there, I was about 14. And I like literally I'd have a bite of potato and a bite of butter, and it I vomited. I just remember being sick in a Tupperware box because I'm gonna be like, How old were you? 40. See so much butter, but it was so I'm not encouraging this, but sometimes when you're sick, it's well most times it's very acidic. This was just a smooth I felt like I felt like a whipping machine with a potato. I was like making my own mashed potato. And I really enjoyed it, but that did put me off butter for a few days, only a few days. But I was back on the butter straight away after, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

That's why I once had six um double decker chocolate bars whilst watching Alice in Wonderland, and then I was so sick. It was Easter and I was like, Mother Bill, she's like, she's like, I said, I don't know what's happened. My mum was like, I know what's body happened.

SPEAKER_04 7:59

Double deck. They are very chunky though, aren't they?

SPEAKER_00 8:02

And because my mum was one of the people never giving me sugar or anything growing up, so then when I didn't Yeah, I was like that.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

I was I went I went to a kid's birthday party once and they had fizzy drinks, which I wasn't allowed because my parents had a vegetarian restaurant, so we'd have like sarsaparilla instead of coke, like we were old cowboys like weird, fake, oh, it's like weird, oldy, tiny, like they used to have cowboys used to have it, like sort of like a bit like coke, but not really. We used to have carob instead of chocolate and stuff. So when I went to parties, I used to go mad. And I went to this party and and drank loads of um cherry aid, and it was at a theme park, Poultons Park, down where I lived, and I went down a big slide and just started vomiting all the way down this big cut like wavy slide. Yeah, that was bad. Oh gosh. I was feeding the ducks with my friends, and they had white stale bread, and she turned around and I was just eating it because I was so happy to have white bread.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:56

It explains a lot, doesn't it? It explains the Monjaro these days.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

No, but the I cannot the we always say this, but we're very similar because uh the same thing, and then I had a glass of Coca-Cola at a birthday party, lost my shit, and I punched the birthday girl in the face.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

I was like that.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

Using a My Little Pony as a knuckle duster.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

I was like that. I remember going so mad at party, they had ice cream floats, you know, coke floats, and I was just piling it with ice cream, getting spilled it everywhere, drunk it, was laughing so much I spat it all over the table. Just absolutely. The mum was like, oh I also did the same the woman was so like straight lace, she wouldn't let us say the word poo, and I went so hyper at that house again on 50 drinks that I took her door handle off and threw it out of the window.

SPEAKER_04 9:44

This is what I just I'm not against not giving kids sugar, but you two are a prime exact like imagine if you'd had sugar, where could you have been? Like, what well like we wouldn't be comedians? No, I think you'd be balanced, normal members of society. Yeah, well, what's your excuse then? My mum and dad got divorced, you know, say things like that. Um I was I my reason why I'm the way I am is because I was given too much love as a child and told I could do anything I wanted, and I decided to be a twat.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

That's great though. But I was given a lot of love.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

I was so I remember I literally got chucked out of guides. Uh the woman, I remember the woman came and said um at camp, she went, she took me to one side, she said, What happened to that sweet little brownie that we inherited? She had a chocolate and gone. I'd shut the I locked the guide leader in the cupboard and was pretending that there were like wild animals out there, and I was going, It's for the best, it's for the best, there's lions out here, and she nearly cried.

SPEAKER_04 10:51

You're like an amalgamation of of both uh no chocolate and love, aren't you, Harriet?

SPEAKER_00 10:58

Yeah, but you're very loved, weren't you?

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Yeah, but I felt weird in my body and like unpopular, so it was like a way, I guess, to make people like me. It's pathetic. I remember once I used to fall over so much, two girls took me to one side and we said, We th we think you're doing it on purpose. And I was Bartley. So nice! Stage an intervention. They didn't do it in a nice way, though.

SPEAKER_04 11:26

Marriott's just being rubbed by back in there.

SPEAKER_03 11:28

She loves getting in a plant, like at your party, Lindsay.

SPEAKER_04 11:32

Yes, you did get in a plant and drank lots of wine like a Tudor King.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

I'm now thinking I'm off the wine again because I don't know what's happened with my body. My body's just like don't fancy it. No, it will just go with vine through this. Like, it's just like my body's shutting down at like when I and I just start to feel really sick now when I have any wine.

SPEAKER_04 11:55

Have you tried drinking something else?

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Like a wine wine was the only thing I could drink without because like volusing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:04

Is it gotta be red wine?

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Yeah. White wine makes me horny and rose makes me Wait a minute. One makes me sleepy, the other makes me horny, but I can't remember which one, which one? Sorry. Why don't you used to make me mad? I kicked a girl once on her birthday on Jen. I had people at uni go to me, Harriet. You like like an intervention to stop me drinking gin.

SPEAKER_03 12:25

Same. I went mad. I was screaming at my boyfriend, standing in the street screaming on this girl's 18th birthday.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

Yeah. Well, a whole the there would used to be a s a college trip abroad every year, and the whole thing got stopped because of me on gin. No one went abroad after my year.

SPEAKER_05 12:44

I love this.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

You and I are the same. I've got some absolute shame in my batter. Oh my god. Um, yeah. I was on when I was on holiday recently, little segue there, I um I did consider drinking, having a drink because everyone was having a nice time, and I always said I'd only drink again if it was like in a nice context.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

A little sangrier.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Yeah, like in a nice way. Like and then but then I again I sort of I just thought I don't want I'll just end up hungover and I don't want that feeling again. It makes me feel I actually I went the the comedian William Stone, Billy Stone, I went to his house like about six weeks before I stopped drinking, and I was so I drank so much and I was so sick that put me off.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Hmm. Cause you lose that's what I hate as well, losing a day. Because you're hung over.

SPEAKER_04 13:35

I can drink uh Malibu and Diet Coke and it will it gives me a nice little buzz, but nothing I could drink a whole bottle of that and it doesn't seem to do anything. Yeah. A whole bottle of Malibu.

SPEAKER_03 13:47

I haven't, but I think that's like what I that is what I drank the first night I ever snugged anyone, and I snugged 12 boys in one night.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Yeah, did you used to play that?

SPEAKER_04 13:56

At the school discount, oh no, I was at a school disco. Used to my friend used to see how many people we could snug, but I just used to um not play, I used to run around because I didn't want to snug anybody.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Well I you know my Did you in a sad is this a sad? Yeah, well, because you know my the my sexual get my sexual dar was off because of of what was acceptable and what wasn't. And then I went to a school disco in and may I say not I was a I wasn't a predator.

SPEAKER_03 14:24

I feel like I've Harriet had a very traumatic youth.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

So then I so my dar with all that was off. My dar because gay dar. So I've taken gay off. That's why I'm saying dar. And then I've always said no mid dah. So then I went to a school that I've told you this before. Went to we gate crashed the private school school disco and then I was fingered on the dance floor. Oh you always fingered and then and then um but there I didn't know that their bus their bus stop was by where I live. So then when I'd go pick my brother up from school, everyone would just be like shouting that I was fingered and my dad would hear. Yeah. And it was really traumatic. So I was so embarrassed. So I'd even like put a hood up and glasses and stuff to go bust so they didn't shout it out and so my dad would hear.

SPEAKER_04 15:21

Oh no, Harriet. I don't know what you want me. How can I help?

SPEAKER_00 15:25

Well, there's no answer. And it's not that bad a story, but it's just No, it's very normal when I where I came from.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Because I went to an all-girls school when we didn't know how to behave around boys at all. So, like on the boys on You're like a dog with two dicks.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Yeah. Like a dog with two dicks.

SPEAKER_04 15:44

I don't know. It's like a common expression down in Cornwall. What does like a like a dog with two dicks mean? I think Rich is a bit like a dog with two dicks, yeah. A dog with two dicks is someone that's really happy. No, really horny.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 16:01

Yeah, because the dog's got two dicks because that's what you were like because you were at a ladies ball. So the thought of a boy was like a dog with a few dicks.

SPEAKER_04 16:20

Why don't you find a few dicks? You're as happy as a dog not you're as horny as a dog with two dicks.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Who is extremely happy, excited, or lucky.

SPEAKER_04 16:27

Yeah, not not not horny.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

I think horny isn't a big thing. That's a lot, it's double the work.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

It makes sense. I thought one dick's going somewhere, the other dick's going somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

But it wasn't even really horny, it was more like it was just a competition. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 16:40

Like, but I think that's a young thing, because you why is it that you don't want to get off with one person? You're like, it is a competition to get off like New Year's Eve. I remember there was a challenge on.

SPEAKER_04 16:51

Just the snug people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

And then everyone had gundular fever up there.

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Yeah, I wasn't allowed out because my parents were strict.

unknown 16:59

So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:00

I just stay home with them and watch the hoot, nanny.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

I once New Year's Eve in St Ives was dressed as a golfer and this horrible girl. Golfer? Oh yeah, yeah. Pardon.

SPEAKER_04 17:10

Not when you do a pub crawl.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

No. No, there was this girl.

SPEAKER_04 17:15

What are you playing?

SPEAKER_00 17:16

What? Well, it was just New Year's Eve, so I just dressed up because I worked in TK Maxx over there was a lot of Pringle stuff on sale. So I thought you dressed as a golfer on New Year's. Hang on, right. Everyone dresses up for New Year's. But I had a Kangle hat.

SPEAKER_04 17:37

Wait. There's this thing people do when they dress up as golfers and they go from pub to pub and they do like I can't remember exactly, but they say like hole in one. So you drink one drink here and then you go to the next one. And that's like where they all dress as golfers. But you're telling me you just dressed as a fucking golfer. How old were you?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Um so I was at college, so I probably would have been about had I dined twice yet. So it uh so I think yeah, so I think I would have been maybe about 19?

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Was everyone else dressed as like a sexy cat?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

No, I was only out with one person. Why were you dressed as a guy? Out with one person! Because I thought we had to, because it was New Year's Eve, and then I thought I don't think she was dressed up, she turned out to be an absolute rat. And then um uh but then she had a friend. Do you remember when the things were Jordan was like the page three, and they and it was fashionable to have this top with like a zip and your boobs would be spilling out.

SPEAKER_04 18:38

So I had one of those and I got some of that and I got I got a lot of messages on my space. I met a boyfriend through that, messaged me and went, hi bro.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

And I was like, It was like in the day, like the Jodie Marsh and all that. And then um, so anyway, there was this girl come up to me, she goes, You can't be called Harriet because I'm called Harriet, and I said, Well, I I cannot change my name because you are also called Harriet. Facts. Then she punched me in the face. A reasonable response classic.

SPEAKER_03 19:07

I come from Paul and Dorset. We this was the kind of behaviour in Seaside Towns.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

I was out cold, dressed as a golfer in a puddle on New Year's Eve, and then the friend that I was with was a terrible friend, and she was one of those that's got the dick missed. So the moment there was a boy involved, she just completely leave you. So then she went off with this guy and then took me back to her dad's house, put me in bed with a random, and I just woke up. Her dad. No, I wasn't in bed with her dad. I I just woke up. This boy, I mean, this isn't being mean to him, but I this is all I remember of me had the spottiest face I've ever seen in my life, before or after. And I've woken up with it like the fact that she just put me in a bed with a random and then went off with this guy after I'd been punched in the face as a golfer.

SPEAKER_04 19:57

Well, uh, I mean, no, I don't know why, why was there another option for you to I'm not saying she should have done that, but I'm saying maybe she didn't notice the spotted man and thought he was part of the bedside.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

No, no, no, no, no, she was a cunt.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

That's such a what a story, how right.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

And then she had the audacity to like she ended up sort of like turning everyone against me because she moved, she she she was very full on. She moved to Truro. Oh, yeah, she was very full on. Yeah. Alright.

unknown 20:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

She moved. I'm not acting like this, am I? So I'm she moved to Truro and then because for me, and then just wanted to like hang out with all my friends. But the problem the issue was I was friends with loads of lads, and she just kept shagging them all. So then the issue was she kept shagging all my friends. Yeah. That is a fucking issue, isn't it? Yeah, she stops having sex with all my friends. And then so then my friends were like, Ariot, why'd you keep bringing her around? So so I think I'm well within my rights to not have her shagging everyone, and then she's then turned everyone because she said that I because then I stopped inviting her out, so then she's upset. Anyway, years later, my mum would go to the library and her mum was there, and then her her mum said that I'd been awful to her daughter, and my mum, and I I hadn't. I just didn't want uh shagging my friends.

SPEAKER_04 21:22

Which is reasonable, but did you communicate that to her and say please stop shagging my friends? No, I ghosted her. Yeah, that yeah. See, this is one of those not to be a therapist in your couple. No, you're right, you're right. You do need to sometimes have an open channel of communication.

SPEAKER_03 21:38

Well, maybe when nights out always like that. I my uh where I came from, uh everyone used to get beaten up for looking gay, all my male friends, and my boyfriend, well, there was this guy in in Bournemouth who sort of had a bit of a mullet, he kind of had you know, like a shaggy haircut, and he used to try and pull by saying that he was one of the g he was one of the like lesser known Gallagher brothers. Because it was before the internet, he could get away with it. And he was such a twat. And he was he used to say that my boyfriend looked gay, so my boyfriend said he was shit. That guy was shit on Games Master because he'd seen him on Games Master years ago losing.

SPEAKER_04 22:13

What's Games Master?

SPEAKER_03 22:14

So you remember that thing it had Patrick, it had the the guy the head, the talking head computer.

SPEAKER_04 22:19

And they played it.

SPEAKER_03 22:22

No, they play like Sega Mega Drive.

SPEAKER_04 22:24

I know what you're on about, but it's not that.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

I mean my cousin was on that.

SPEAKER_04 22:28

Uh can I talk about my holiday?

SPEAKER_00 22:30

Sorry, I don't understand why we got on to all that. One final thing about that horrible girl though, she then, because she lived in Diggs, and then she gave all my clothes to the girl she lived in Diggs with. I'd been on a night out.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Is that a golfing outfit?

SPEAKER_00 22:45

No. I'd be on a night out and then uh I'd be on a night out and then uh I'd be like someone else with us with a golf club. No, I had an Al Capone t-shirt that I got from this weekend. And I was like, she's wearing my Al Capone t-shirt here. Which bizarrely, get this the Al Capone t-shirt. What does it was a child's t-shirt from TK Max?

SPEAKER_03 23:15

Start to finish that is one of the bad stories. I just I love the way that in the middle it's like, oh, what was it after I died twice?

SPEAKER_04 23:24

Oh god. What if what why am I in charge again? Holiday. Why what have you been up to?

SPEAKER_00 23:31

You you've you're putting yourself in charge. We could all like you're we have to have a format. We have to have a loose one.

SPEAKER_03 23:39

You don't make it be a format, you just tell us. We do have a format. We're meant to. Huh? What is it? Talking. Lindsay, tell us about your holiday.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

Tell us about your block of butter that you traveled with.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

I went on holiday too.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

Well Oh my god, I kind of did. Where did you go?

SPEAKER_03 23:57

Uh Stockholm.

SPEAKER_04 23:58

Oh, you did. I saw your little post.

SPEAKER_03 24:00

How was it?

SPEAKER_00 24:01

You weren't really you were only there for about two minutes. Three days.

SPEAKER_03 24:04

We're gigging. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

It's too far away. Yeah. Because you've got to go to Stansted. Then bloody oh it's too much. Exhausting, it was so much walking. But it was very fun hanging out with my beloved and my brother.

SPEAKER_04 24:18

Oh, that's nice that they went.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Was it uh you were gigging, but they came, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:22

Could you get to do anything? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

You and I both got have you for our right eye at the same time. What? You and I both started itching our right eye at the same time. That is really weird.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

That uh well, maybe we are because I went to an optical illusion museum and maybe I'm still in an optical illusion.

SPEAKER_04 24:39

Is it worth going to one of them?

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Because I know we were gonna go and we were like it's the chain. Because I looked and I was like, no way, there is paradox. Because you look to laugh, especially when you're on the little I think I'll have to take a travel sickness tablet if I'm gonna go again. Yeah, because of all the I'm not very good with um moving upside down.

SPEAKER_04 25:01

Oh no worries. I'm gonna say something controversial. I don't think anybody's really good at moving with the upside down. Spiders are right. Oh yeah, spiders. No, just spiders, it may have.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

Imagine if we don't know what they're saying. Imagine if they're going, whoa!

SPEAKER_04 25:16

I reckon if our spiders are all calling us a slag. Slag. My holiday's very nice. We had a caravan on the seafront. It was lovely, but it was windy. Whenever we opened the front the wind as May would blow backwards in the caravan. So we couldn't really do that. Um we just did loads of fun stuff. It was so nice just to hang around with my daughter and have a fun time. Took her down a tin mine. Oh wow, which one? Um good you for giv. Oh yeah. Because with a G. Gvunt. I loved it. Something. We got there and the bloke at the desk, because it had been windy the night before, the bloke we David rang and said, Are you open today? And he was like, Yeah, we're open. Um so we got there at like five past eleven, and the guy goes, Oh, you've just missed the tour. And I said, Right. And I said, What time was that? And he went, eleven. And I went, okay. And I said, Well, can we come in still? He went, Yeah, but you can't really go anywhere because um, yeah, you can't really go anywhere. So you have the next tour's at one. I went, right. I said, can we not just jump on the back of the tour that's just gone? He was like, Yeah, maybe. Yeah, that's a great idea. Uh, do you want me to ring and see if they can come and get you? And I was like, Yes, please. And he went, Yeah, it's no problem, off you go.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

I was like, you've I'd I mean how has that not happened before?

SPEAKER_04 26:40

I don't know, but I find this with people in Cornwall, no offense. Well, actually, it's a great thing. They don't give a sh not they don't give a shit, but time is just something that's a lot of things. Oh my Brestels Lord.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

It's no no no no Amy doesn't matter in Cornwall, it's different. It's there's this saying called dreatly, which means which actually sounds like directly, but oh my god, it is not. It means in a minute, and everything is dreadly. All right, will you do this directly? When I ran a comedy night, you tell everyone eight o'clock, they're rolling in at nine, and I'm like, We've been through this, Sandra. And and I'd be like, and and then you have a break, they're like, they've all gone to the shop to do some shopping. Yeah, yeah, isn't it amazing? There's no, and then once there was, do you did you ever watch it's fantastic that Mary Queen of Shops with that? And she went somewhere in Cornwall and sh and they were all she had the exact same problem, and then and she said that she's like, they're all telling me directly, but it means directly, doesn't make any sense. And she was just furious, everyone was just like fannying around, wandering off. It's so odd.

SPEAKER_04 27:46

We love to go to the maidry, and I've said, like, like, you know, when you eat chicken in the dark, I love it. Um, but like you have to ring them up and be like, Are you open? and they'll go, uh, we might. It depends how we're feeling about an hour. You're like, oh, okay. And there's a fish and chips place, which is amazing, and it you can't book, you have to just turn up, yeah, write your name on a bit of paper for those. It's amazing, but you're just like, it's like I'm so used to a world where you will ring, we'll go online, book a table, but they're like, if it if it's open, it's open.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

If the wind blows, if we fancy it will be. And then everyone wonders why their business doesn't work. If it's like there was this restaurant in where I'm from, and it was like the there was no routine or reasoning between the about the opening hours. It was like uh like yeah, it made no sense whatsoever, and then suddenly it's sh it's closed down, and it and you're like, you're wondering why there's this beautiful restaurant in Truro and I absolutely love it. And where did I I wanted to book a seat for like it was like a fucking Saturday around Christmas, and they're like, oh no, we're not open then. And I went, what? On a Saturday, but like the sat, it was like a really I said you can make a lot of money.

SPEAKER_04 29:05

They're like, Well, yeah, people will be saying that they are just I love it, but that's why I love it because it like you it forces you to come out of that like that place the rat race and all that. You can't you just have to hope for the fucking best. And was I wanted to go look at the seals, you know, the seals in that little where they sit, I can't remember it is now, and the seals are the same, they're like seals. They're like, we might be there, we might be there. Smoking. Except, well, do you know what we fucking like? Thank you. I've gone to Bristol there.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Do you know one time the sea the singer seal went to the watering hole, which is this pub on the beach in Perump, and I thought and Coolio, and I thought, what on earth would they think that they would have come all the way from America and then suddenly there's a pub that might be open, might not be open, and then they'll be like, are we not starting this? And then and then they'll be like, Oh no, we'll come back tomorrow, we'll give it another go. I love it. It's all its tits.

SPEAKER_04 30:10

One of my favourite pubs by where we stay is called the bucket of blood, and that's exactly the same. The bucket of blood because apparently it's haunted because there was some uh I don't remember exactly the story. Someone threw a body in the well and they and didn't know anything about it, but then one day the owner of the pub pulled out from the well some water and it was a bucket of blood! Oh it's literal, it was literally a bucket of blood. Oh that sounds like a great name for this pub. Let's call it that. But again, lovely pub, but you don't know when it's open. There's a chalkboard outside, they'll write if it's open or closed. But did they write that yesterday? Who fucking knows? But I that's what I like. You just don't know what the fuck the weather's gonna be like. If anyone's gonna be in, what the fuck's happening? Lovely time, lovely, lovely. It was very nice.

SPEAKER_03 31:05

I wasn't allowed in a pub in Lou with my friend uh because they said it was locals only when we got to the door. That's fair enough.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

No, that's not fair enough.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

No, but somebody else told us up the up the road. This I they said what I said, why is that? And they said they got a singer in who was a bit uh I think they meant racist, actually. Oh you don't want to go in there anywhere. Yeah. Um, what was I gonna say? I went on holiday too. Yeah, where did you go? Went to Greece.

unknown 31:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:34

Amy's glowing, don't you think? She seems happier. You're very shiny.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

Had a lovely, I'm on so many antidepressants. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 31:42

I love asking people this. It's so much questions.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

Venlofaxine.

SPEAKER_04 31:46

Is that good?

SPEAKER_03 31:47

It's like a normal sort of it's not an SSRI, it's an S N R I. The mon Lamorchidene, which is a mead stabiliser, also an epilepsy drug. And I'm on propananol as and when. Oh, I like beta blocker.

SPEAKER_04 32:00

That sorts me out when I need to. Are you Harriet? What is going on? Are you okay? Your eyes are.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

Then I'm on HRT and I'm back on the Manjaro.

SPEAKER_04 32:09

God oh my god. You'll be rattling.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

I am rattling. I've got a bit of a tremor. It's a bit worrying. I think that's a very small. Somebody told me that on um I think you're less tremor-y today.

SPEAKER_04 32:18

I think you're a lot less tremory. Because normally one of your legs, one of our legs will be wanked.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

Yeah, but no, like literally like an involuntary tremor. Somebody told me it, somebody sent me a message on Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

But do you have a voluntary tremor? I know Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:32

Trying to get attention like I was at school. Well, gibber jabbers.

SPEAKER_04 32:40

Like a hammer or you would hit them, wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_00 32:43

No. It was just a toy that you used to go blah blah blah. But you'd wang it. Yeah, wang it, not hit it with a hammer. I don't know why you're hitting it with a hammer.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

I went on to Greece, and then I went down to my parents as well, down in Pool. And we went to the beach, and because it was so sunny, it was packed, like absolutely packed with people. Because we could only go to like one that was really accessible for my daughter, and we couldn't like walk along either because she's uses a wheelchair. And um, there were like loads of people playing footballs next to us, which always does my head in, like, because it's scary, you know, you think it's gonna hit you. Oh, wow. And I I spoke to some Brazilian like teenage, like old, like 20-year-olds who had abs and were kind of beautiful. I think they were Brazilian, and I said, Could you just stop kicking it so close to us? And the guy was so flirty, he went, man, we're naughty boys, okay, and walked, went away. They were alright. Then these like 12-year-old or 13-year-old boys were really bad at football, yeah, but really, really bad at football. So it kept coming near us over and over again. I went for a swim, came out, and it again, my mum had apparently and dad had both spoken to them while I was gone, they hadn't moved. I heard them when I was walking up the beach going, Oh, she says that the girl's in a wheelchair and we've got to move. Because possibly my mum saying that my daughter's in a wheelchair, couldn't she can't move out of the way. Um like she was sitting on the beach, but a wheelchair was next to her. And um I came up, they did it again, hit the ball, like literally like hit my dad. So I I became hulked out. I picked up their book football, these are 12-year-old boys, ran to the bin, the massive bin, and said, if you don't fucking stop it, I'm chucking it in the bin. I'm chucking it in the bin. And they went, What are you gonna do? I said, Chuck it in the bin! And then they looked absolutely horrified, you know, like a punch in the face. You know, like kids, you never have anyone to tell them off. Yeah, I mean, they could not believe it. And their mum came over and glared at me and my mum, but they did, they moved. I was like, I would chuck in the bin as well.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

Why would their mum glare at you? Like, why's their mum not going, excuse me, there's someone with a wheelchair there and sling you up.

SPEAKER_04 34:54

Yeah, oh, you've reminded me of a great story from the holiday.

SPEAKER_03 34:57

It was great though, actually. I felt empowered.

SPEAKER_04 35:00

Yeah, should have kicked it in the sea. Yeah. When we when we were uh part we'cause we're at a caravan, so it's like they've got like a clubhouse, and we'd go every night because they had a little toddler disco, and we'd sit and we'd play, oh, it was so fun! And the kids just dance, and then all the pair of us just have a drink, and then we played a little like bingo where you win like a teddy and that.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

Such a good idea to have a toddler discount, the parents can have a nice.

SPEAKER_04 35:22

And then the there's a soft play, yeah, and May kept, and it's only small, but like May Kep wanted to go and play in the soft play. So I played four, it's only little, and um, but like one of us would kind of have to go with her. So I was sat and she'd gone off to play in the soft play, she'd come back, um David had come back, and then this Taylor Swift tribute act was then on to about seven kids. She was fantastic. She did not get the audience, she deserved. Um and uh at one point she wanted to go back to the soft play to tell these friends that she'd met uh in the soft play that Taylor Swift was on and she was very good, so she went back to the soft play. Um David was with her, but then apparently David was on the phone. Um I don't know what happened here because I was just sat watching Taylor Swift on my own like some insane Taylor Swift Pedophile.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

Um I like it sexual, Lindsay. I was just she was beautiful though. You're just a fan of the music.

SPEAKER_04 36:20

Very good. No, I was a fan of her. This is a tribute. I thought, you're fucking incredible, you're not very if this was me doing comedy, I'd go, Why the fuck is going on here? Um May came back with another mum and was like, and she was sobbing. Like, and I was like, Oh, what's up? And the mum was like, Oh, she said, like another girl's uh pinched her, and I was like, right. So I was holding her, I was like, Well yeah, what's going on? And she said, Oh, a little girl, she's like, So I said, Come and see her, she's really good. And she's she's pulled my nose really hard. What? And I was like, right, um, but I was like, I can't leave the stuff and I don't know where David is. Now David had apparently taken a phone call from his dad, so he's not aware what's happened, but I was like, So I waited for David to come back and I said this has happened, and he was like, right, so I got Mae by the hand and said, Show me this child. And we started walking towards the soft play, and the dad was putting his shoes on the daughter and saw me walking towards, and I've never because I was gonna tell that little girl that I was gonna set a caravan on fire and kill a dad. I was about to, and they ran out the fire, not ran out, but like went really because I was walking really fast. I was like, fuck. And he just went out the fire escape way with his kid. So and then I was like, see, mate, they've gone now. They saw mommy was coming, and they've But why did he what a little pussy because he obviously must have known. I'm not being funny, he looked about four stone, he had a goate beard and like like like um a little hat that was tied into a bandana. Like, do you know when someone looks malnourished? And I was like, he couldn't fight me if he wanted to. But but but he so did he witness what happened then? I don't think he did, but I think that the girl like May had obviously come out crying, right? Panicked. I feel like he wasn't someone that dealt with confrontation. However, I am one that will confront.

SPEAKER_00 38:14

But he needs to know that he's the door, like what's happen what are they doing?

SPEAKER_04 38:19

She's he was already telling his daughter off, is the impression I got as I was walking at a distance that could see about 40 feet. Oh good. I don't think he needed to deal with me, but I was coming.

SPEAKER_03 38:29

I get oh, so many parents in Bristol were wet, wet, wet. I tell my children off if they not like horribly, but if they do something, I'll say being really nice. Like talk, you know, like yeah, but so I mean what you he was right to uh so many parents in Bristol, their kids will be assholes and they won't say or do anything. And then I lose, like I wor I feel like I can't say anything to their kids because like she's looking at the time. Okay, because like the parents won't like it, do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 39:02

I think you've got to tell kids to shut the fuck up sometimes and stop being assholes.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

Not in that exact tone. I just think the fact that Mayu just wanted just asked her to go. I know that broke my heart.

SPEAKER_04 39:12

Yeah, that's what makes me angry. Yeah, that would make me angry. I swear to god, I've got no qualms with smacking a parent.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

She'll be the uh though, because you know, at school there was always like even now I know the name of someone that was known as a biter, you know. So it's like a kid that just randomly goes around biting people, and even now that he's in his 30s, I'll think of them as a biker.

SPEAKER_04 39:35

Who's the most social, Marv? I think we all are we've all had a little holiday.

SPEAKER_03 39:39

We've all done really well. It's the sun, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 39:41

It's the sun.

SPEAKER_00 39:42

I'm going now. Oh, here we go.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

Go on then. She's going slither.

SPEAKER_00 39:47

Thanks so much. It's lovely to have you back, Lindsay.

SPEAKER_03 39:50

I think that was a good episode, actually. I think we did well.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:53

We didn't need a how about all of you? We didn't get enough uh listener kind of interaction. So could you please interact with us online and tell us tell us your social faux pas for the future? Alright. Alright.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

Sacro blur.