How many bum holes

This week on Social Moths, the chaos reaches new heights as Amy returns, Harriet disappears down yet another bizarre rabbit hole, and Amy questions whether perimenopause has officially taken over her brain.

From jewellery making, bowling, alpaca plans and compost toilets to tiny mouse bumholes, hanging chickens, curry disasters and the world's most unnecessary discussion about how many bumholes are in a house, absolutely nothing is off limits.

The trio also answer a listener dilemma about making friends, debate whether insulting people is actually a love language, and somehow end up planning a llama walk while discussing buffet etiquette and Netflix recommendations.

As always, it's completely unfiltered, gloriously ridiculous, and guaranteed to go somewhere you never expected.

If you've got a confession, awkward story, social dilemma or completely chaotic question, send it our way - the weirder, the better.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. Social moths. Ladies and gentlemen, and everything in between, and either side of that, welcome to this week's episode of Social Moths. And she has returned to us like an angel from the sky. She was stuck in Bristol because of her own fucking stupidity. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

You know, she was under she was in the sofa the whole time.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

It's my paramenopause, guys.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Perry appear.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

You bloody wait. You wait. What am I waiting for? Paramenopause.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

I don't want that.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

I feel like I've got to mentor it. It's horrible. I left. My mum found my hand blender in my fridge when she came around. Is that not what should put that down? I like forgot my doctor's appointment, and then my GP called and she said I needed to submit something to her. And then she sort of insinuated she was perimenopausal and she's forgotten to send me the link to do it. Oh. But anyway, my my memory has gone to shit. So this morning I was sitting in my pajamas thinking about what I was gonna do today, which was mainly faffing around.

SPEAKER_03 1:09

I'm gonna check your memory.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Something what you're gonna do happened.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

What colour are my eyebrows?

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Hang on, just for the visual people, Harriet has picked up a pillow and put it over her face. A cushion. A pillow.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

What colour are your eyebrows?

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Well, that's only I think they're brown, Harriet. That's a guess. They are. Aren't they?

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Yeah. Okay, they are.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

How many teeth have I got in my front row? Fucking hell. I don't even know that.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Do you ever count your teeth? I like to count them sometimes. How many do you want? I don't know, I always forget, that's why I keep counting them. I've had too much tea. She's had two teas and she's five teeth. Oh, this is my third. Ooh, for the thing. What did you do with the time that you were sat then? I don't know if you don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

I was just sitting, sort of scrolling through my phone as per usual. I was thinking about making a necklace with Courtney Love's face on it. Oh yeah, as you do. I'm trying to make jewellery. I think I'm gonna start a little jewellery shop called Hag Things.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

Show the world your rings. So impressive. It's really nice.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

I want to make jewellery for people who don't like jewellery and just like stuff that feels a bit.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

Can we be your models? Because I don't wear jewellery. Oh I'd love a bit of jewellery. Well, can you make me a helmet? A helmet. You know MF Doom, the rapper. Uh-huh. I'd like a Mm-hmm. I would like the he's he has a helmet. Don't you reckon it would be wicked if you two were chatting and I was sat here with a helmet on?

SPEAKER_02 2:44

You want me to make a real helmet, not a jewelry helmet? Jewelry helmet. Like what a big one that you can wear. Mm-hmm. No, that's beyond me, Harry.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

That would be to have a silver helmet.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

I'll give her some spoons to make it out of. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

No man.

SPEAKER_03 2:58

I'll give you a whole big pack of cutlery. She can make me a cutlery helmet. Yeah?

SPEAKER_02 3:03

I can see that. It would no, that would look good on you.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

And then every time I hug, there'll be like forks coming out, and every time I hug someone, I'll get I'll they'll get attached to my helmet, and then uh so then I have to walk around with people attached to my helmet.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Capiz. No, I lost it. I've I was away then about about I'd say one and a half seconds in, I was floating above my body when you talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

Why do you two keep doing that, floating away from me? Mentally we have to find it.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

The thing is dissociation. If I was fully involved in your stories, I would just get horrible. You were!

SPEAKER_01 3:39

I do try for as long as I can, but then I always realise it will come back at a point, and and sometimes you've just got to let the bird fly. You've got to let them if you love someone, set them three. If they come back, they're yours to keep forever. This is Harriet's mind. You must let it wander, otherwise it will be restrained.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

You know, when you're like on drugs and people say that you have to remember, like if you're an acid, you have to remember you're an acid. Like to remind yourself that so you don't get too freaked out by your experiences. I feel like that's like your stories. I have to just get out a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 4:09

I haven't acid, but meaning this is I remember that I am just listening to a story.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

Well, sometimes because my dreams are fucking mental, and then when I that moment in my dreams when I remember it's a dream, I'm so happy because often I'm being trafficked or something.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Uh I'm always I'm always in a youth hostel trying to trying to get out of the bedroom for some reason.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

I always dream of a haunted house, which apparently means we have lots of unresolved trauma.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

That's about right, mate. Do you reckon? Unresolved trauma, haunted house. Probably because you listen to Bloody Lindsay, because all of her stories are like, I went to a haunted house.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

Should I tell you what you've missed? Last time then the man came who owns this building to say hello to us.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

I met him earlier.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Oh, you've met him? Did you think he had big hands?

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Didn't notice that. I noticed his dogs, which were around out there. Well, I only saw one.

SPEAKER_03 5:05

This was like I've just seen the lady and I've said to her, she was holding a dog and said, I knew it was a dog. I said to him.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

She wasn't even part of the conversation. So you've just gone up to some woman in the corridor and gone, I knew that was a dog. And she's gone, Well done, Harriet. You're very clever.

SPEAKER_03 5:21

She's gone, well, it does act like a dog. I thought the dog was a baby. So I've gone, I knew that dog was a dog and not a baby. And now we're imagining a little dog.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

We're in a new place, it's very fancy and nice. Do you like it? Yeah, I feel like we're in like Friends, the TV show.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Friends.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Friends.

SPEAKER_03 5:45

Have I ever told you that I'm thinking of getting a beret? Do you what? Oh god. Doesn't surprise me.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Are you gonna wear a beret and a helmet at the same time? I'd have you to a beret with your hair so short. You have to have long hair to wear a beret. Am I setting too far away from the microscope?

SPEAKER_03 5:58

What if I have a tiny little beret? What's um like a little cap? I mean a little one and it's got an embroidered dinosaur on it.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

Right, what hat would most suit Harriet?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Uh I see Harriet in a beanie, you know. A beanie.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

Oh, I used to wear beanies a lot.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah, you've got beanie vibes. I just looked ill. Did you change your top? What was happening? Oh sorry Harriet, I was just dreaming you were in a different top. Let's carry on. Um put your cr Harriet's got a um a plant pot that's gold and she's put a tea in the pot on the sofa. Just so my hot tea doesn't mark the sofa. Yeah, but it looks like you've got I don't even know, it look like a wine pot. I don't know. What is a wine pot?

SPEAKER_03 6:53

A wine cooler. Cooler. Cooler. Did you know that the way she says cocoon is like that? How does she say that every single time we do an episode? She's trying to get us to go bloody hell, that's weird, but it's not weird. Cocoon. Which is why she keeps bringing it up.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

She didn't know it.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

That's a bit weird.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

Oh I can't work with these two. We found out that your uh Amy Mason, your granddad's in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Didn't know that. He is.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

Yeah, we did know that. We've mentioned that in different episodes. Bang on a bang.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

I never knew it. Yeah. Well, I must have done that. Is it um is the does the car really fly?

SPEAKER_02 7:28

I don't think so. Not in this. No, my grandad, but I I don't think it did really fly, no. Oh that's sad.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

Did the whole cast come to the funeral? No, no, none of them.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

None of them. Is that Mary Poppins in that film? Chi chi no, it's a no, it's Dick Van Dyke.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

Oh, isn't he lovely?

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Oh, he's so old.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

Isn't he as nice? I think he was nice enough as far as I remember. I think. Did you meet Dick Van Dyke? No, my mum did, I think.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

Oh wow. What if it turned out that you your mum, you are the daughter of Dick Van Dyke.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Oh, okay, I've got a good story. Yep. But I don't know if you know who he is. Do you know who Oliver Reed is?

SPEAKER_03 8:10

Yeah. Yeah. He on the world.

unknown 8:13

No.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

You know who's like a famous old soak and womanizer. He met my mum when she was 16. She was a rake, I said say. Allegedly. He met my mum when she was 16, and he was like 50 or something. And he, um maybe younger than that, but old. And he the next day she got a telegram. He just met her because he knew my granddad. Met her briefly. She got a telegram saying, Martha, it's Oliver. I love you. Will you marry me? And my mum was like, fuck off. She thought it was my granddad like playing a practical joke because that's the kind of thing he would do, but it wasn't, it was him. Well, Nick, why would that be the sort of thing he would do? Because my granddad used to make these super practical jokes all the time. I mean, he wouldn't do that necessarily, but he did used to do super practical jokes. But no, it really was Over Reed.

SPEAKER_03 9:00

What's a telegram? I was thinking of Lou Reed.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Yes, you are. That's why when you said it, I was like, no. You were like, no, who is? Yeah, and then sang that song. I was like, no.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

So what happened on the lab was not Lou Reed got a pigeon and sent a little message to my mum. No, it wasn't. Oliver, look, see, I knew you wouldn't know who he was.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Two big lorries yesterday, full of racing pigeons. Did I ever tell you by the way?

SPEAKER_02 9:29

See, look, back on stuff she likes straight away.

unknown 9:32

A telegram.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

It's like you could use me out to send it. I said like a back on pigeons. Well, like it was like express, it was like a a a yodel of a message. So you open it and it goes, No, it wasn't like yodel that delivered it, people. Listen, it doesn't matter. What's everyone been doing?

SPEAKER_02 9:48

It's like a text message by post in the past. With a pigeon.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah. What's everyone been doing this week? Let's stick on track. You've been in your pyjama.

SPEAKER_02 9:55

We're making a lot of jewelry. I've been doing a jewellery course on Fridays. Yeah. I've been really enjoying that. I don't know if you two find this, but when I'm in a group like that and I'm having a nice time, I just talk so much and I have to try and stop myself. But everyone else is so like quiet and well, that's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Of course you're gonna talk if everyone's quiet. No. But this happened when I went on my very first date with David, my love. Um I thought he was mute and wouldn't speak, but I was talking so much I didn't let him get a word in Edgeways. I thought he's so polite and he's just nodding along. But it's because I was every breath I was like, and then, and then when I was born, and then when I went down the cool man, and then and then I was just going on and on, and I was like, God, he didn't say much, but it's because I didn't let him speak.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

Well that might be what maybe leave a few slightly longer pauses to see if anyone is gonna jump in. No, they're not, they're doing their work.

SPEAKER_02 10:50

They're not doing they're doing their work, but I just chat chat shit. I think if you're in a group and it's a social thing, you should be chatting. Why not? It's meant to be social, it's meant to be making jewelry.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

So, how many people are there? And why are you what you're literally the only person talking and?

SPEAKER_02 11:05

But I'm the one who just talks away.

SPEAKER_03 11:07

Maybe they can't concentrate unless they're quiet.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

And I'm ruining it.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

And they're like this bloody woman.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

I went wrong with that. I I went completely to the wrong place. Um, I was 45 minutes late to the first one because I went completely.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

It's a running theme with you at the minute.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

It is a running theme with me at the moment. I'm doing that, and then I also I met a woman that I met on a at McCuntless Comedy Festival. I met her and did a like a panel thing with her, and we had a coffee at Bristol Alvic. That was very social of me, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:41

Well done. I've been thinking because I'm I am listening, I'm just trying to work out what I've done this time. I'm only seeing the same people. Because I went to see Donkey Lady and currently so we went bowling, shuffleboard, uh, and I went, I went bowling with Marvin as well. I've done a lot of bowling. Um uh, but we're currently manoeuvring, aren't we? What are you three? We're gonna go, me and Amy and Amy's children, possibly one child, Donkey Lady's child, we're all and the new puppies, we're all gonna go to the farm in Gostonbury. Yeah. Listen, we had this conversation about a year ago. Well it's happening now. W when? Well, we're thinking the 10th or the 11th of July. Right. Let me just check what I'm doing. And you can bring May. Uh no.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

You can't do that. No, I can't run away then.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

Well, we thought that was the date we said. Well you said Saturday. Oh yeah, she can't do then. I don't think you can ruin dynamics. What we'll do next, because I put what's happened there is I put the dates you said to her, she said she can't, but she can do this, and then I've forgotten to go back to you. So we'll we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. But it's happening, but it's got to be before the end of July because then the puppies are leaving.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

Where are they going to work? Where are they going? Where are they going?

SPEAKER_03 13:16

They're going they're going to their new owners. What? Where did the puppies been nursing and bringing she's currently? Where did she get the puppies from them?

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Where did she get the puppies from?

SPEAKER_03 13:27

She I don't know. But she's had nine bumholes in her bedroom.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Has she got a dog? Yeah. They're her dogs' puppies. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Yeah, they're I'd love to describe how many people you have in your house, how many things, how many bumholes are in your house. Because I've got four bumholes in my house. I've got me, mate, David, and the cats. Do you think that's upset? Having bumholes. Oh my god. I've got six bumholes. I've got six bum holes in your house. How many bumholes in your house? Who know bumholes? Who know bum holes? But you're in a in an apartment block, aren't you? Yeah. Think about how many bummoles are in there. There's four bum holes in this room right now.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

No, one's little one chino's bumhole has gone a while. Rich's bumhole has disappeared up his chinos. That's so upsetting when you because you're the one that brought it. Because now me and Donkey Lady have started measuring because not measuring bumholes. Because I said, um, because when I when we looked after a dog, it stressed me out that there was this this sort of rogue bumhole, and then and then that's when it's not rogue, if it was rogue. No, there was one bumhole that was just squitting. Yeah. So then I said to her, and she goes, Well, I've at the minute got nine bumholes in my bedroom, and then uh that's when I just worry.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Yeah. I do feel sorry for dogs and cats because they've always got their assholes out all the time.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

And when it's cold, I used to have a bit about that, didn't I? What was it? I don't know. Oh, it was the you know snipers. I've I've aware of them. You know those the eye hole thing? Yeah. I my bit was that you should put one of them on over a cat's tail and then swipe the thing round so that so that you don't so it has a bit of dignity and you can't see its bumhole.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I'd like that, but they they want to show you their bumholes. They love it.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Yeah, it's a way of. But they don't have any choice in the matter. The cat has a choice if he's gonna put his asshole on my face. Yeah, but walking along, it should have a little curtain, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Like a dignity thong, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03 15:41

No, not a thong. Don't be that's too too saucy.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Well, like, when you have a wine glass and you have like a little ring on the wine, one of them just round their tail, it like hangs a little curtain over their arsehole. A little curtain. I just don't think it bothers the cats. I just don't think I think it bothers us. I don't think it bothers them.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Unless it's cold because Yeah, but you don't know, you you I've got no evidence for that. Some dogs can talk using them buttons. That's probably why the cats are always off because they're mortified about their bumhole.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

My cat is not mortified about his asshole.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

Well, I I speak cat and Keith told me.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

No, Keith is is 100% a glory hunting asshole.

SPEAKER_03 16:21

That's why he's always in your bath. Sad about his bummole.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Yeah. Yeah, he's always bum. He loves his he loves his bum on the cold of the bath. My guinea pigs just tell me about it.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

You've got even more bummalls. Oh my god, you know what I'm doing? My brother um has given me this to his bummole. He's given me a stay at like a like a cabin thing, like the sort of like eco cabin place. And they're like very like fancy. They've got like nice beds and shit. But it's free. It's like you got them for free, won a prize and got these days. What? To live like a homeless person. No, it's like it's like in the woods, and they're like these lovely cabins that are fine. I love that. Yeah, and they're like very nice, and they've got like they're all set up nicely, and it's all like is it called Swannee Lange? No, but they've got lavender something. The bathrooms that they've got have got composting toilets. Can I tell you a story of being in a cabin with a composting toilet that is full of loads of other people's shit? I don't think I'm gonna like it at all.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

It's not that bad, but it is because I remember when I was stuck we stayed somewhere in Bute that was like a boat, but the boat was on the lap. It was very nice, but they had a compost toilet and you had to walk down and it there was no lights. So when I went for a I I needed a wee in the night, and I just thought, I'm not walking down there accidentally putting my hand in the fucking shit.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

I just pissed on the wait a minute, why would you put your hand in the shit?

SPEAKER_01 17:47

You have to get a uh you have to scoop up compost from like a bowl and throw that on top of shut up like sawdust on top of the sawdust where the other shits are.

SPEAKER_03 17:57

You do a shit and then you throw your sawdust on it. Where are you getting sawdust from? On top of with all the other shits. The sawdust is just next to the toilet. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

But you can look into the thing and see other people's shit. This is what upsets me is looking at other people's.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

I hate it. I've done it at uh festivals. Festival's green man and it makes me like flay above my body, like when I'm listening to one of your stories.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

Are you not worried that Pooh's gonna crawl out the toilet and grab you? Well, yeah, someone else's pool poo is just gonna come up my bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again. No, but it's not my poo.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Could I tell you a story about something being um transported by accident? Um, I was staying in a hotel and for gigs, and I my bag was in the middle of the floor, just my backpack, and I think I've picked something up because I went to bed and I could hear like a and I thought, what is that? I thought it was the the bed creaking. Anyway, I went to bed. But at two o'clock in the morning I could hear it and I was like, what the fuck is that? And I looked in my bag and I thought maybe it's something it was coming from my bag, so I just moved this bag out of my bag, a smaller bag, put it on the side. Then I sat on the toilet with the door open and I watched a mouse jump out of the bag. Shut up. It literally fucking flew out of the bag and then ran into the toilet and I went fucking out. Um got back into bed, went to sleep. And then uh I told anyway, I got my night for free because they were like, but I think that I've put my bag down and it's gone in the bag, and I've been carrying it around London. That's what I think I've done. Because I was on the third floor and I don't know if they can use this. Oh god, it wasn't a rat. It was definitely a mouse, it was only little.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

I love a little mouse. I'd have it like Mr. Beau Jangles.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

I said, like, don't kill him, isn't it? Like, I don't think he's obviously I didn't tell the hotel that the hotel's like, You've got a mouse in the I think I bought it somewhere. I think I bought the mouse. Did you think you could have had it as I went to the front desk and said there's two bum holes in my room and there's two mouse.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

Yeah, a little mouse tiny little mouse bumhole. A bet Rich is like that.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

What a mouse bumhole. He's got a tiny little neat bumhole. No. Let's not talk about Rich's bumhole.

SPEAKER_03 20:01

What would you do if you went to the toilet in someone's house and there was just photos of other people's bumholes on the wall? Just have to go to the toilet and ignore it? No. But that means they're taking photos of the bumholes while you're talking about. Would you be able to recognise someone from their asshole alone?

SPEAKER_02 20:17

Sorry, I talked about your bumhole, Rich. Was that beyond the pale? Yeah. Sorry. Well it depends if it's tanned.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

The bumhole is pale. Would you be able to recognise talking about it? He doesn't mind. I'd be able to recognise David's bumhole. Yeah, that's because But would you recognise mine? Oh, those say Marvin's.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Well, yeah, because it would be pink.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

You think my bumhole's pink? Because of your hair. How do you know it isn't? It's very how do you know? I look at it sometimes. From where? A periscope. A mirror. I've got a periscope of my ass out. Peripheriscope. Peri periscope. Do you never have a look in the mirror at your old bits? See what's going on. But not for a long time. Or I'll go every six months, have a check, see if anything's going on. And then the penis. Compare it to a pencil sketch of previous and see how it's how it's changed. No, no one else do that. Look at your fanny and your asshole. I think it's good for you. I think everyone should do that. Do you re so you'd recognise Marvin's?

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

But you wouldn't recognise Marvin.

SPEAKER_03 21:19

No, I'd recommend all my friends.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

You'd recommend all your friends' assholes. Trip advisor. I'd recommend all my friends' artholes, actually. I know I say recognise, but you've just recommended all your friends' assholes to everyone that listens to our podcast. Thank you, Harriet. Thanks for recommending my assholes. What would you give it out of five stars, Benny? That's a recommendation. My recommendation for bum holes is Amy Mason and is Santoro's bumholes. I love the word bum hole. That was my favourite word. What have I done this week? I don't know. I keep going to look at my A phone and then I called it.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

One of my daughters called the other one, the youngest one called the eldest one an arsehole the other time. It was so hard not to laugh.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

May ask me what an arsehole was.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

Oh god, so it was the youngest one that called. What did I do? Where's she got that from? Oh, the things kids pick up from their parents driving. Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 22:24

I really talked to them off by it.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Is she still capiciing? She's capiciing all over the place and calling people bowl bag, but that's nothing to do with you. I was just asking when she can see that. She was like, When can we watch the shell that lives in the house? And I said, No, it only lives with Harriet, so I can't be watching that sat shell, Marcel with shoes on. I went out for my friend's birthday, um, and I ordered a hanging chicken.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

You know, when it comes on a after a night out.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

No, no, this was like 12 o'clock in the afternoon.

SPEAKER_03 22:54

Chickens hanging.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

Oh, good, very good, Harriet.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

And uh no, it's six o'clock in the night.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

It's a nighttime chicken and it's doing very well for you. What is that hanging? What is it? It's not a stick. Dingle dangling. It's just chicken kebab on a stick, and then you put sauce on the top. Anyway, I had two bites of this chicken and then I I had to throw up and then I went home.

SPEAKER_03 23:17

Wait a minute. Did you say to the venue?

SPEAKER_01 23:19

I didn't have I look I've never been like it before in my life where I was just like, I've gotta go. I've like I've gotta go. And then my friend's just like, oh I see ya, which is fair enough because it was her birthday. And um, was it from alcohol? Because you wouldn't be sick after two bites of chicken from the chicken. No, I'd literally I don't even had I'd had lots of. Was there something wrong with the chicken? I think I think to be honest, there was nothing wrong with a chicken. I've had a really bad migraine like the past week. So like things, random things are setting me off. A lot of random shit is setting me off. Like I'll have a I'll have a grape and I'll go, or I'll wear my sunglasses and that that hurts my nose, and then my head goes. So I think basically the smell of the chicken has just made my brain go, no, it's not running.

SPEAKER_03 23:57

I did that once with um sorry though, that's disappointing when you just bought something.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Yeah, a massive hand. I still paid for it. Because my friend was like, We've had I was said, like, what is it anyway? She was like something that I was just like fucking 40 quid on a chicken, I didn't bloody eat. So sad. I'm sorry. No, it's okay, there's worse things in life. At least my friends recommended my bumhole to people.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

I I went to once I went on a rampage because I thought I was ill because of a pasty, and I said, and I went mad with the Cornish pasty company and London Euston, and it turned out I was just very anxious at the time, so my stomach wasn't right because I because I projectile vomited and because of their pasty, I thought, but it was it was the sadness that did it, not the past.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

Yeah, it will do that, the sadness. Makes me s even more sad when I feel anxious that I can't eat because I bloody love food.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

I once went on the rampage to a local Indian curry uh like curry house when I was drunk because I'd ordered an entire meal and paid for it, like, for the collection, like and um I turned up and it wasn't ready and I was drunk and I was like, I paid for this on the phone, just now I phoned up, it was before like internet, whatever. And they were like, Oh, we're very sorry, madam. And they cooked me the whole thing. Then I walked past and I realised that I'd was gone into the wrong Indian restaurant. Shut up. And then I went in and they said, Is that and they said yeah, and they gave me so and then I had two entire Indian meals. One of them gave it to me for free because But why did they apologize?

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Literally, if Abby Mason pissed came into your restaurant demanding a curry, you just fucking give it a curry.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Yeah, I've got many uh uh oh once I had the takeaway and when I I was so excited when it when it arrived, I ran to the door and broke my toe on the wall, and then I wouldn't let go of the curry for a whole night in AE, and I sat with this bag of curry. Curry's nice though. But did you not nine hours I had to wait?

SPEAKER_03 26:00

Why didn't you eat it?

SPEAKER_02 26:02

Because I didn't have anything to eat it with.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Would you go to a doctor and go, can I have your stethoscope?

SPEAKER_01 26:07

Yeah, can I have like a one of them sticks? Just scoop it in. My cousin used to do this thing when he was coming back from town where he'd order a curry to his house, but then he'd get in the car with the delivery man. I've heard of people doing that. Very clever, very clever. You're very clever. I'm very clever man! No, he's not. He's not at all. It's a very normal, generic man. Should we do a listener story? What have you done this week?

SPEAKER_03 26:30

I went bowling twice and I've been shuffleboarding. Yeah. With Marv and Donkey Lady. Oh, this is the this is the we need to be able to do that. This is what I'm saying. I think we can we make an effort to go do something all together. Yes, what?

SPEAKER_02 26:45

Well, either we're going to tell me what shuffleboard is, I forget. What is it? She throws some discs down a road. I'll do that with you.

SPEAKER_03 26:53

Brilliant.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

I'd like to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:55

I think it will be fun. Okay. There's one in um there's because it there's one in Bristol, I think. But the one I went to invest of the Superman is interactive. I'd rather do the interactive than the normal one.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

I need to go walking with a llama because May's had this f she's one of the girls at school is having a party where they're walking with llamas, and May has not been invited. But it's not anything they can only have like so many people.

SPEAKER_03 27:20

So I'm gonna go Liam Neeson and fucking.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

No, that's what I was like, and then I calmed down and I thought, look, May's not even great friends, like she's friends with the girl, but not like but now she's obsessed with walking with a llama or something. So we need some if we can all walk with a llama.

SPEAKER_03 27:36

Yeah, I'm on it.

SPEAKER_01 27:38

Yeah, fine.

SPEAKER_03 27:41

Can we go in the middle? Shall I look round here?

SPEAKER_01 27:43

Yeah, there'll be llama walking round here. Richard with the tiny bum hoon is the llama walking or alpacas. Please don't sue us because we're alpacas or damas. I can't tell the difference. Laukamas?

SPEAKER_03 27:56

Oh my god, donkey lady's got alpacas.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Yeah, can she bring them in the middle?

SPEAKER_03 28:00

She's got 'em. Yeah. Oh no, she won't. You will have to go to her.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

How far away is she?

SPEAKER_03 28:03

Glastonbury.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

How far away is that from there?

SPEAKER_03 28:06

Half an hour from Western Supermare.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

That was too far.

SPEAKER_03 28:10

Is it?

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Yeah. Oh look round here then. Okay. Okay, well, I can wear the llamas and the alpacas. Yeah, because um When do you want to do that? Soon as possible, for God's sake, she won't shut up. Ready for the listener story. Hello, Muffs. Can you help me? I want to be more social and widen my social group. Don't we all? Come on. But whenever I get comfortable with people, I use insults as terms of endearment. That's like me. People have stopped introducing me to their friends for fear I will call them a twat. Should I change my ways? My friends seem to not mind, but mutual friends often seem disturbed when they meet me. Is it because I'm too overfamiliar? Also, I fart when I'm nervous. Thank you for your advice. Lot to unpack there.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

I think you should probably change ideally that approach. However, I am a person who there are many things I should change and yet I'm unable to. So we we can't help it.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

It's a difficult one, to be honest. I'm quite an insult I insult people. I don't think it's insulting, I just I think insulting people is a term of endearing. It can be quite charming because it feels like the person knows you.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

Yeah. The right the right people, like your tribe will understand and go with it. And the people that don't ain't fucking worth it.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Yeah. But then do you do you I'd adapt my personality to deal with situations, but not did you need to undo an open that pocket on your trouser leg?

SPEAKER_03 29:37

Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

What's in it? Don't know. Have a look. What's in it? What's not what? A puddle of bees. A puddle of bees, in you please, thank you. More of these. Um I think your options are completely change your personality or uh find other people. But if your friends are fine with it and it's just their friends, then I think your friends have right to keep you away from their friends. You sh deserve everything you get.

SPEAKER_03 30:07

And with the farting, what can be done? Uh my little sniper idea. Is that gonna stop? Glu glue. Glue?

SPEAKER_01 30:18

Could you glue your bum shut?

SPEAKER_03 30:19

I'd recommend.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

Glue your bum shut. Glue your bum shut. I fart. You can't hear what I'm saying. Glue your bum shut. I don't think that's practical.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

I fart a lot. I fart all the time. I'm worried about not farting. We went to Zazada Za. Do you know what that is? It's my daughter's birthday. It's like an all you can eat, all you can eat. Buffet. Yeah, I want to try it. Let's go there. No. It's like if aeroplane food was made. I fucking love aeroplane food though. But it's like you can get everything from around the world. It was pretty overwhelming and like it's quite loud and there's a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03 30:57

I've been there three times and they've they've they've stopped me going in. What at each time? Yeah. Why? They've said that it's not open. But there's people, other people just going in. I've got a reputation here.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

So you're going. I'm sorry, but you're going to the front door and they've specifically got somewhere, someone to stand there when it's apparently closed to tell you it's not open. Yeah, you can't. I think it might be open.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

It's not even because Marvin thinks they're racist. Against him. And that's why they don't let us in. Because other people are. All the food of the world.

SPEAKER_02 31:30

Yeah. Well, they're not letting us in. That's really weird. I hope they're not racist. Can you give Harriet Dyer a free meal, please? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

Yeah, only one plate, though. You don't get a free you don't get a buffet, you just get one plate of any chosen country of your choice. Well, that's racist.

SPEAKER_03 31:46

No, that's what you get. Where's his plate? Well, I don't know. Racist.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Oh my god. Or you can eat a buffet. My youngest child would only eat four bits of cucumber and a lime jelly. And she got them and put them on a plate, and that was it.

SPEAKER_03 32:04

And was it her birthday party?

SPEAKER_01 32:06

It was the other one's birthday party. I could have died then and nobody checked to see if I was dead. No, I didn't think you were.

SPEAKER_03 32:12

We can hear you. That's so funny. Thora is legends.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

That was pretty great.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

I do worry about like buffets of all countries. I think you need a buffet of a specific cuisine to master it. When you have every country, I think you're right. It does get a bit No.

SPEAKER_03 32:29

You've got the other ones. What are you talking about? You've got the Chinese buffet or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

Yeah, but the Chinese buffet food in a in a world buffet food is always a bit shit. Do you not think?

SPEAKER_03 32:41

Yes, but I'd rather still have it than not. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Well, I mean, if normally if I go somewhere, I want a specific food.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

My dad loved it. My dad doesn't eat that much, he's like careful now about what he eats and what he likes, you know, he'd excellent eats and stuff. But when I was younger, he was quite fat. And he, sorry, dad, um, fatdy. And he um he just he's 70 now and he made he piled these plates high. I haven't seen him eat like that for ages. And as he was eating an entire enormous piled plate of puddings, it even had like Indian puddings on it, had everything. He just whispered, still got it. Really quietly. He did still have it. He's the only one who really got into the spirit of it, actually, here in Selma. They really got in the spirit.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

We've the buffets we've been to, we managed about three plates, didn't we?

SPEAKER_03 33:31

We're not great. No, I'm not great. My eyes are always bigger than my head. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

And I always how many but moles are in there?

SPEAKER_01 33:41

Your eyes are bigger than your belly. I love that Rich behind his curtain had to peep through and tell us that eyes bigger than your head is not the crush.

SPEAKER_03 33:49

Your eyes are bigger than your head.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

No, your eyes are bigger than your belly.

SPEAKER_03 33:52

Yeah, but I'm not eating with my belly. No, you're eating with your eyes. With my mouth, which is on my head.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

No, the expression is your eyes bigger than your belly, Harry. Your eyes bigger than your head.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

It's my version, Taylor's version.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

Taylor's version.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

My eyes are bigger than my bum hole. Thank you very much. Right, let's go. Because with time to time to die, I think.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

I left the guinea pigs in their run. You've left your guinea pigs with in their run out in the garden. Oh. What's going to happen to the cover? But the crows allow them down.

SPEAKER_03 34:22

Say that. That's awful.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Alright, the pigeons. Racist. The pigeons! The pigeons. Anyway, please uh submit your listener stories, queries, or questions to the book. Yeah, why have you stopped doing that? Because we've stopped saying it at the end of podcasts. I will give up this.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

You've got one little thing to do. We're shrapping every bloody week.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

I'll be honest, if I'm listening to this podcast as a listener, I'd probably be like, how the fuck are these idiots gonna improve me?

SPEAKER_03 34:52

Because they're that's why it's supposed to be faux pas, but you went fucking rogue and asked for fucking problems and now it doesn't know what it's doing with itself.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Well, it was we were doing the faux pass and the listeners were the problems. Yeah. Where are they? We were please send us your faux pas, all your problems, all your not fumholes. I just said faux pas, but it's it's fine. Um please send them socialmoffice.co.uk. We have an email address, hello socialmoffs at gmail.com. Harry, I can't see you flapping your arms. I would say a new one.

SPEAKER_03 35:33

You get in touch and say, how many bum holes have you got in your house?

SPEAKER_02 35:37

Yeah, but don't show us.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Drop us show us if you fill in the submission form, we would want to we'll try to find out who's got the most bum holes in the house. Yeah. Include animals, not insects, because I don't trust them. I don't trust their bumholes. I don't believe in them. I don't believe that insects and spiders have bumholes.

SPEAKER_03 35:57

Yeah, you wouldn't if you can't see it, it didn't happen.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Snake has a bumhole, because remember it's shit on the table in Come Dine With Me. Fantastic episode. Do watch it. Right, I'm off. You know when I was on uh come date what's it called? Dinner day. Dinner date. And you serve the man raw chicken and you had no table. Yeah, fucking hell. It's the best thing you've ever seen. She serves him raw chicken, she ain't even got any chairs, she sits him round a coffee table, and then it's fucking surprised that he doesn't go on a second date with her.

SPEAKER_03 36:26

But then it's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. What? The actual fucking. But anyway, the second girl.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

Harry from this is just oh, but this is the best news I've ever had in my life. Watch it. Well watch it, right, and then next episode. Should we do a watch-along with our with our what with our listeners? Yeah, I think so. That'd be great. We could do it on the watch-along.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

I can't fucking believe it, Harriet.

SPEAKER_01 36:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:56

It's the best news I've ever had in my life, and I've had two children.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Have it though.

SPEAKER_03 37:00

But the second date as a snake.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

That's so I was wondering if that's what we did. Oh, and he's a lost. No, no, because I'm coming down. I mean one of the episodes, this guy the guy or the woman brings the snake on the table and it just shits all over the table. And the the woman was like, it only shits once a week. It's so funny that it's now. So I think where is it's bum hole? At the end. In the kind of in the middle. In the middle. Underneath it. How did you come? How did it come about?

SPEAKER_02 37:27

You're getting it.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Listen, this is for another podcast because I need to get home all the time right now to not be here anymore. Alright then. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 37:34

Let's all watch that episode. Alright.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye, love you, bye.