Pigs and donkeys

This week on Social Moths, the chaos starts immediately as Rich's chinos come under fire before the conversation spirals into ferret racing, accidental windscreen wipers, sloth emojis, and why Amy somehow manages to own two phones but use neither properly.

The gang also share stories from a visit to the mysterious Donkey Lady's farm, complete with alpacas, goats and the famous donkey with a reconstructed backside. Lindsay reports back from Peppa Pig World, questions the price of souvenir photos, relives the drama of school sports day, and explains how a missing folding chair somehow became the biggest family argument of the week.

Elsewhere, they chat about Katie Price's latest headlines, comedy personas, kids' birthday parties, and whether comedians are ever really as spontaneous as they seem.

As always, it's a completely unfiltered mix of ridiculous stories, questionable opinions and plenty of laughs.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I can't spread my wings because I'm indoors. Social moths. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of Social Moths. I say, ladies and gentlemen, I obviously mean slugs. Welcome. Slugs. Yeah, we're all a bunch of slugs. I think so. My name is Lindsay Santoro, and I am in a warehouse with two horrible women and a man in chinos. No chinos. He's put jeans on today to be a little bit different.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

They are chinos. They're still something about even when he wears jeans, it feels like a chino.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

I bet he's got chinos underneath, and the moment we leave, he whips some more flight box fizz.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Making your moon.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

He's got chino pajamas.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Chino pajamas. You're gonna get married in chinos. You'll get married. Did you get married in chinos? No. Did you get married in trousers?

unknown 0:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

This isn't good for listeners. Oh, sorry. If you're new to the podcast, which I don't imagine you are, Rich is at what do you do? We pay you to be here. He's a podcast producer who wears too.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Twinky little Twinky. Twinky, isn't it?

unknown 1:12

Twinky.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Twinkly.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

You are Twinkle. A twinkly little twinky little chino man.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

But we need more, but we we need because we never have new listeners.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

So so this is not going to bring on new listeners.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Well, this is just telling them because if they are new and they are like, why are they being horrible to that boy in the background? He's employed to be here, and it is within our right to be vile. He's got a glint in his eye. A glint in his eye, and a hands in his chinos. What's he did? What's he doing?

SPEAKER_02 1:43

He's he's getting a walkie-talkie out. We should do a game one day. What's he got in his chinos today? Yeah, what you got in your chinos? They're always quite tight.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

No, they are. There's not so much. What's that saying? I can see your chinos. Are you are your hands in your chinos or are you happy to be wearing it?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

I'm really tired. I feel like I'm just saying I'm playing above my body. What do you want to do?

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Imagine if you had a ferret down there. Have you got a ferret in your chino? Have you ever been to the You'd love it, the Royal Cornwall Show? No, of course I haven't. Fuck it. Why is it Royal? Is the Queen there? Oh, she's there. I'm there. Oh, you're the royal. And uh they do ferret racing. You for you race, you put they put them down these drain pipe like uh assault course, and then you put like you bet on what on which like which pipe it's which ferret's gonna come out of what pipe. So much fun.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

We should go Is that the whole thing the whole day? No, it's like it's an agriculture fet festival. What's a ferret going down a pipe got to do with farmers? Yeah, today really.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

That's that's the way of Cornwall. There's just a Yeah, this is why you're like you are the thing is you think that you're just what this is explains a lot about Harriet when she explains things about Cornwall, doesn't it? Yeah, she's putting a ferret down a pipe.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

I'm not putting a ferret, I'm betting. I'm then with my raffle ticket, betting on which ferret's gonna come up.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

If we were ferrets and going down a pipe, who would be the quickest ferret? Me. Yeah, yeah. Agreed.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Amy would forget what she's doing halfway through and then try to go back up like a shit in a U-boat.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Harriet called me an idiot the other day. Yeah, like conversation. I didn't even know what to do. In like a jokey way, and I was not offended, but understandably she messaged me afterwards and was like, Oh, that was really I shouldn't have said you're an idiot. And I was like, Harriet, there is quite there are some things I've done, and then we discuss the things that I've done.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

So last podcast, I was in front of Amy for ages, so then uh Driving Home. Last driving home, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Regular listeners will remember is the one where I forgot to turn up for the first episode.

SPEAKER_02 3:53

Yeah, and then we previously spoke about Lindsay said about a bit I do where if someone's up my ass, I slow right down, put the back windscreen wipers on. So I was behind Amy, her back whiskey wipers on. So I thought she was doing the bit doing the bit. Uh-huh.

unknown 4:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

And then, and then after I'd say half an hour, I realized she's not doing the window wipers on. She's got the front and the back whiskey wipers going. And then I overtook her to tell her, and bizarrely, she wasn't even looking at she's buying her nails, not even looking at the road. Oh, this isn't worried. In the in the air.

unknown 4:33

So I didn't think of no.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

And I was like, I think I need to just overtake and not be near her because she's gonna cause a lot. It's a bit dangerous, yeah. Because you were you were looking in the sky whilst whilst human screen wipers were going.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

And then so this was like what two weeks ago, and then like two days ago, I saw Harriet, and she was like, You back when screen wipers saw. And I said, Yeah, it's been on for months. Do you not know how to turn it on? No, but I hadn't tried very hard. Then I tried harder, then I got it off.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

No, you don't don't lie.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Then tell lies because we tell pork.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

We went to see Donkey Lady. Yeah, we're talking for the Miss Me, yeah. Yeah, and then and they because I then said about Amy and the Winsgreen wipers, and then her son and eight maybe eight-year-old daughter sorted it out.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Look, your child who doesn't drive.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

No, Donkey Lady's child. Oh, so not even your own child.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

No. I've do that. I left the w I also walk around with two phones still. I've got a brand new phone and I keep forgetting to take the SIM card out and switch my f SIM card's over.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

Do you need to do that? Wow. You've got two Yeah, you don't need to change it, it's all eSIMs now. Is it? Yeah. Oh. Well. Oh my god. Lindsay, you don't even know this. When I first became friends with Amy, she just sent me hundreds of sloth emojis. What? Something, there were something.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Because I got a new phone, a Google Pixel, and I didn't know how to I hardly knew Harriet. Hardly knew her. Like literally, we just sent each other a couple of messages. And then she just and then I got a message from the same one. Then I got a message. Some of them were dabbing. No, and then I got a message from her saying, Did you mean did you mean to send me all those sloths, mate? And then I looked and I said at 17 sloths. One of them was lying on the sofa like you eat loads of junk food, like one of them was dabbing. And then I had to I had to call John Lewis and go, This hole is riddled with sloths. Infested, and they were like, madam, it's fucking you again. Anyway, they didn't take it back in the end because they were just sick of me. But so that's going on. I've got this brand new state-of-the-art iPhone that I am carrying around with no battery on in my bag that I just charge up and use if I need to make a video that's good.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Why don't you just transfer? You see, if it's an e-sim, they're really easy to transfer over.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

So there's that going on.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

I don't know how to do that.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

And I'm not going to do that. Let that be a challenge. You need to do that. Yeah, but I forget as soon as I start thinking about what to do, then we're going to do that. I forget the thing to do that. They're off. Maybe you've got yesterday. I was in the hammock in the garden going, why? Oh, it's really bright day today. It's so bright today that I um that even my sunglasses are not effective against the bright sunlight. And then I realised I was just wearing my glasses. She's wearing my eating glasses. I picked them up. So anyway, it took me quite a long time to realise.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

Yeah, so I am an idiot, right? Harriet. No, but not, it wasn't nice to call you, but sometimes I just say like my mouth just goes and I don't even know.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Why am I gonna be like when I'm 80? I'm 44 years old.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah. Were you worse when you were younger? Maybe it's getting better.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

I was really bad when I was a teenager in my twenties. Then I got slightly better.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

So you might get better.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Well, as an old person.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

Yeah, well, they'll drop it's not your problem when you're old, I think. It's everybody else's. Just deal with it. So do you saw Donkey Lady?

SPEAKER_02 8:42

Yeah, we had a lovely day on Saturday. Where did you go? We were gonna so we went to her farm. Well, eventually I couldn't figure out how to get there because I thought Have you been there before? That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

Please remind me how you know Donkey Lady.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

Uh, from uh she came to a comedy night, and then we were, but she was just in the audience, but I remembered her face, and then and then I went to this event in Bristol by myself, and she was also there, and she was like, Oh, I saw you the other day, and then and then we started chatting. Okay, and then you became friends.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

But she has a donkey that's full.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

Oh, and then she came to my solo show and then was like there were many, she was like, Oh, I came with a friend and loads of what you were talking about. A similar thing happened, and I was like, Oh my god, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

So Donkey Lady was like a mysterious woman, if you are new to this podcast that Harriet talks about, who has donkeys and had to finger donkeys, a donkey that she was in possession of, was born without an arsehole, and she had to shitting through its willy arsehole built. It's disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

And Amy, you've seen it with your eyes. The fake bumhole. Have you seen the fake bumhole?

SPEAKER_00 9:57

Where is where is she based? What area?

SPEAKER_02 10:00

Uh Glastonbury.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Oh, see, this is it we were gonna you yeah, I couldn't go.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

She just even got alpacas because you wanted to take May to walk some alpacas.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Yeah, it's all falling apart.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

But hers are very um because her son had to lift up his use his sliders as a shield from their spit.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

It was so nice because my daughter uses a wheelchair and they were so nice, and they'd like um I'd never met her before, but she like sorted everything out and cut all the hay so my daughter could get through, and her kids were so nice. Like her son was like it's like a teenage, like an older teenage boy, but he like stayed around if we needed any help and was like. He was sweet, wasn't he? Yeah, they were lovely, and my daughter loved it. We saw Alpacas, a goat. I loved the goat.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Did you see these pigs? You sent me nothing. Oh I didn't even know you'd gone.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Because we were gonna talk. Well, uh we did invite you. Hello? Hello Lindsay, I invited you. Did you? Yeah, you said you were in Lancaster.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

And I was. It was great. They were great, it was great.

SPEAKER_02 11:04

Yeah, if you do fancy coming, because we're gonna go again, but it's just a bit of a mission, isn't it? Yeah, if I'm going down for a gig there or something, we could all go again.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

See the I really want to see this donkey's poo-oo inky.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Yeah, but you wouldn't even know it's don't it's but it's tongue holes.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

You wouldn't even know it. My daughter looked at the both the two bum holes and said, You would never know.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

You would never know. I keep thinking about how many bum holes are in a plane. That's really keeps cropping up in my my psyche. I was I I went to Peppa Pig World and I w in space and I was thinking this is In space? Oh well God, this is what I've done this week. Went to at the NEC N-I-A, NEC. There's this event on with Peppa Pig, and you it's ticketed and you go in, uh you have to wait for your time, you're with a group of other parents with their children, and then these two people who are, I would say, without even asking them, uh desperately underpaid for what they do, come on and pretend to be Peppa Pig's friends, and they dance in front and go, Hi guys, welcome to Peppa Pig's Garden. Can you see where the rain clouds are? And then there's a sound effect of rain clouds, and like, oh no, it's raining, let's all get in Peppig's house, and then you go in, and then essentially it's a warehouse that they've designed as Peppa Pig's house, and there's loads of things for the kids to do. But it's a bit shit, and at the same time, the people who are paid to be there are going like, guys, let's go into George's room and dance to some music. And I think, oh, these people could be doing Shakespeare, and they're here. That's what I did.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Is it like Willy Wonka? Like that Willy Wonka.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Yeah, but a little bit more MDF and painted. So you start off in Peppa Pig's house, then you go into Peppa Pig's rocket ship. Half the fucking shit don't work in it because it's been open for about a month, so the kids have smashed it up. Um, and then on the final one, you're in you're on the moon. But it's just essentially three massive warehouse rooms. Well, that's the NEC.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Have you ever been? It's mad. But they've just been Amy.

unknown 13:18

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

It's like because I used to go to the clothes show there. Did you ever go there? Yeah, yeah. Does that exist now?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

I don't know. I've been to I've been to loads of stuff every now and again at free tickets. I went to the wedding fair, that was ridiculous. Oh god, that sounds like a nice. But it's it's essentially a massive warehouse with uh a massive soft play in it that's not really a soft play. But the guys that were running it were fabulous, and then as per, you end in the gift shop. You have to have a photo with Peppa Pig, that costs 17 quid. 17 Peppa Pig? That's immoral, that. And Peppa Pig's at the end as well. So, like the kids are like, Where's Peppa Pig? They spend the whole time going, Where's Peppa Pig? Where the fuck is Peppa Pig? They fucking know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. It's a Swiss. That is a Swiss. That is so bad. May loved it though. She was like, I want to go back.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

And I was like, not for £30 a fucking ticket, you ain't go back. And then £17 for a photo. Did I ever tell you that Land's Ends now in Cornwall, they charge you £10 to have a photo with the sign that says Land's End. What? Why can't you just go up and have a photo? No, there's just it's now just like there's a queue, and then there's like and then the the issue is that obviously people are having it, so then so then I took a photo, but I've got a random family in the photo. Then I've got loads of photos like that.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Everyone should you should develop a system where everyone takes a photo of somebody else's family.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

And then they all give it to each other. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Oh no, but someone would still have to pay. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Because the family could be like, what are you talking about? I'm not taking a photo.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Yeah, but they've manoeuvred this cue. Oh yeah. It's it's they know what they're doing again.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

I've got so many photos like that though. Because I've got Pepper Pig, I've got Legoland, I've got when we've got the Dwalton Towers. But when you've got kids, isn't it? You can't be like, what am I gonna do with this fucking laminated piece of thing in a cardboard sheet?

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Like I don't Oh, but she'll love that when she's older and it's memories, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 15:24

Yeah, that is true. I want to get her on a roller coaster. One of them photos. That's what I want. That's what I want to do.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Have you seen I I gigged yesterday with Phil Earlis and he and he did his uh uh get someone from the audience up because I love it because he's really tall. So he gets someone that's quite small from the audience up, and then there's obviously a massive height difference. Then he sits next to them and there's no height difference whatsoever because he's all leg.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

I met him at he is all I met him at the commodity store. I wasn't putting on my bars, I think. And he I don't remember him being that tall. I was gonna say, but then I am six foot, so maybe that's of course.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Yeah, won't say he's another one that whenever he comes to Birmingham with go to Ming Moon. Oh, does he? Yeah, take it. How's his head? His bald head that he's getting. Did you have a look at his head?

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Yeah, it looked very na it looked more gross. You wouldn't think he's the first hair transplant I've seen that doesn't look like a hair transplant. Oh. Because it's still at sprouty stage.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

How nice, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Yeah, because usually it's that well, like that fucking what's his name that Jack and she's on it, but in on it, bloody Katie Price.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Please explain to me what's going on with Katie Price because I've got no fucking clue.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

So her husband's gone missy.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

I love you, but you look her husband's gone missy.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

Well, she must have she's got obviously got d dysmorphia before. She really. But it's really sad.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

What is going on?

SPEAKER_02 16:51

So she's married this guy who's it seems that he's a crook, and then because people coming out of the wood were saying he's scammed someone from the sun went undercover and he tried to scam.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

I don't think she did actually go undercover though. If you actually look into it, she just fell for it. Oh what, the lady from the sun? Yes. She was at the gym with him. Honestly, if you look into it, she did not, she just got scammed anyway. Oh, that's funny.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Scam doing what?

SPEAKER_01 17:19

I have not letting him invest some of her money in crypto stuff.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

And it'll basically, it's like basically like the when the African princes go, Oh, I need to can I have this money while I'm on da da da. So anyway, so then uh so then, but he's never because he's in Dubai, he's never come to the UK. He's even got a tattoo. Yeah, he's even got a tattoo of Harvey. Um uh but he's never met the kids, never come over. Then everyone was like, He's sus as fuck. Then he was like, I'm literally coming over now, and then showed uh a video of him in the airport before. Is he even real? Has she met him before? But then people yeah, she's met him, but they're married. So then, but so then, but everyone's saying that the picture of him in the airport is like a stock photo of the airport behind him.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Well, there's loads of AI photos of him, they're saying, uh like when he pretended to be in London before.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Have you seen have you seen? It's one of my favourite things. It's when old people use photo booths and they accidentally photo shoot shop like they press the wrong thing and it's like them with boys owned.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

See, no one worries with Harry, the ladies with Harry Redna and all the all the English. So I'm trying to get a passport photo. So they're never so basically they've gone, so she's gone on GMB news or whatever, and gone and gone. Where's my husband? He so and then they've gone, she's gone, he's not a scammer, he's coming to visit me, then he's like, Yeah, I'm in the airport. Then he never makes it, and then he then sends a video to her with cable ties round his wrist and a bag over saying he's been kidnapped. On his own phone, yeah. And then but then other missing, he's just gone, so then he's like ghosted her for like three weeks, but bizarre, the screenshotting that he's online and he's still talking to women and asking for money, and then he's finally appeared last week with a completely different hairline. Where's so he's just gonna add his head? I think so. Because the hairline is insane, because he was completely receding and and now he's got this like but then it's like that's what makes me think. Is she in on it? Because it's so ridiculous. Like, how are you not like why do you have a different head?

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Well, if you're in a different country, I guess you can't really keep tabs on what your other half's doing. I don't know what David does when he goes to Morrison. Yeah, but he's not coming back with a new head of hair. No, but I tell you what he did once, which really fucked me off. Uh bathroom light went in there for one of the first flats we were living in, and it was, you know, and it's enclosed, so it's like if you use that there's no window essentially, so light had gone. He went to the shop to get a light bulb. He was gone for about 40 minutes. I thought, he's left me. You know that old thing where they're like, I'm going for a packet of fags. He came back. No, but it's usually milk lindsay, not a packet of fags. Yeah, they're going for a packet of fags. Anyway, he went, light bulb, came back with uh a 42-inch television and no light bulb. Because Game of Thrones had started up again and he wanted to watch it in HD.

SPEAKER_02 20:40

So had he even gone for the light bulb?

SPEAKER_00 20:43

But then he was like, Oh, hang on, I'll get this. But then he was like, because he didn't have the car, he was like, Well, I'll have to carry it and I'm not gonna be able to carry a light bulb and a TV. So, but then he was like, Well, if you turn the TV slightly, you can the light will reflect into the toilet. I love that man log logic. He's uh he's uh silly Billy, that's one of the only silly billy things he can do. Yeah, but it's not turning up with a completely new head. No, but it's turning up with a TV that we don't fucking need. But I guess he's not in debt.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

But also the hairline that he's now got is is not even like a normal person hairline.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

What would you do if your significant other, like if Marvin sent you a message and he's like got cable ties on and a bin bag on his head, would you what would you look at that? She'd just go, another one of his shapes. What's he done now?

SPEAKER_02 21:33

Yeah, but I don't know, I wouldn't like Marvin's just not a crook. So if he if he if he was um cable bound and if he's telling me that he's that something's happened and something else happened, whereas that guy is a it seems to be a compulsive liar. Yeah, but she God bless her. But someone said as well, they were like when you list all the people that she's beating. With and like it you have to get to a stage where you where you need to start questioning and seeing red flags. I think that she's got a type, and that's type is twat.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Yeah, and I I think you need to uh I had this conversation with someone recently. I said, Don't go for some if you're going with someone and you think oh the same thing keeps happening, it's because you're going for the same type of bloke and you're not compatible, stop it.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

That's why I went for Marvin. John Pearson's ex-wife said said to me, Harriet, you well, who you're going for never works out, go for someone different. And then there was just this guy in my DMs that I would talk to from time to time, but I didn't think his chat was that good. And I give him a chance, and the moment I met him, I was like, Oh my god, you you're so much different to how you put across in your messages.

unknown 22:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

To having claws.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah. So Katie. Pardon? Katie, we need to give her some advice. Split up with him. She's not gonna because she did an all-inclusive not an all-inclusive but interview. And I thought she was gonna be like, I've seen the error of my ways, but she was still just defending him.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Oh no, it's really sad.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

It's sad, it's really sad.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Anyway, I'm at the loop with that. So you've been to I've been to Pepper Pig World, and then there was uh school sports day, and what normally I sometimes I'm I I wanted to be like, I'm not going, because my mum was going and Dave was going. I was like, she don't need everybody there. And uh no, but we went, and then my mum was moaning because oh my god, basically I borrowed one of her folding chairs, she's got loads, but I borrowed one of her folding chairs and took it to a party that my friend was having in her garden, and I've left it there. Um I forgot about it. I had I forgot, I forgot it was there. My friend knows it's there, I know it's there, it's there, but my mum was like, Where's my folding chair? And I was like, It's at my friend's house, I want it back. I was like, Well, you can't ask for it back on the day because she wants to sit on it at Sports Day, right? So it's come back into but I know for a fact she's got other folding chairs, but she wants that one anyway. All sports day, she was just going, Oh, I wish I had my folding chair. All right, with such a bit and I was going, what colour is it, mum? And she goes, It was green. And I was like, It wasn't green, I know it wasn't green, she goes, and it had flowers on it, and I was like, No, it fucking didn't, and she was just fucking driving me whenever we were there, she put it on a pedestal loads of people had folding chairs, and she was going, I wish I had my chair, my chairs in the chair. Why did she bring her other one that probably is the nutsy thing? Fucking lined me up, that's why. And everywhere, and I bought her a magnum and she was like and she was sat on the grass, she was like, Oh, it should be lovely if I was sat in a chair.

unknown 24:46

I was just like, fuck up.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

So I've ordered her some chairs, and then they turned up. She was like, Why have you bought me these chairs? And I was like, Because you kept moaning about your chair, she goes, You just got the chair back from your friend's house. And I was like, Well, I will probably I'm not seeing her for a month, and you were apparently desperate for this chair. Oh, it's a waste of money. I was like, fuck.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

Why didn't you just go to your friend to get the chair?

SPEAKER_00 25:06

Because she asked me 20 minutes before we were leaving the house to go to sports.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

Yeah, but I mean, instead of then ordering the chairs online, why didn't you that?

SPEAKER_00 25:16

Because the chair she has in her mind is not the chair that is at my friend's house. The thing that's in my friend's house is a collapsible flat chair. She then was making up, she goes, I want one of those chairs that's in a tube that you carry in a bag. And I was like, Well, that isn't the fucking chair that's uh it was just I was trying to enjoy precious moments with my child and just getting bombarded with things about the chair, and then David was like, You're so mean, not getting your mum's chair back, and I was like, Yeah, fuck up. Um yeah, but sports day was fine. Um, and then I caused not a ruckus, but I said to one of the mums, because they do it, I don't know if they do it the same with your the the the groups they're in houses, like so they're in different houses, and then they compete in the year groups, but some of the shit they were doing, they were just throwing beanbags at each other like one point. I was like, what the fuck is that point for what? What have you fucking done there? Um and I said to this one, the house one that wasn't my daughter's, and I was talking to one of the other mums and I said, I think it's a Swiss. I said, I think I said, I think that they're gonna each year they give it to the next house, and there's no real tallying. Anyway, she grasped me up on the chat. She was like, Lindsay thinks it's a conspiracy, and I was like, Yeah, I fucking know. So uh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:28

Why did she snitch on you?

SPEAKER_00 26:30

So then was everyone uh angry that was not angry, but I think I think because they know me now, they're like, Well, come on, and I was like, and then one of the other mums was like, Oh, is you you just because your daughter lost like you did on the weakest link, and I was like, excuse me, excuse me. So yeah, I'm bonding with the mums, that's what I've done this week.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

I went yesterday, my daughter, Thora had a party, birthday party. You had a cup of sugar and started fighting. And normally, I'm gonna normally I would just I would if it's a drop and go party, I would have dropped and gone, but I didn't. I dropped up and I sat with the other mums and had a had a drink, not an alcoholic drink, and some salad, and then I went back. I stayed at the party for two and a half hours.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

I know, and I was sociable.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

And did you get on with them?

unknown 27:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Great. I think that kids' parties now are so much better than when we were little because they've got set times. Like it starts at ten, and then at like 11 they'll have sandwiches or something, and then the hour after it's there's some running around, and then you go home.

SPEAKER_02 27:33

And and how and does that state that on the Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

A lot of the times it's like, I always do mine for like an hour, an hour and a half. I'm like, no, it's that's all you need. That's all you need. So this was climbing, and my daughter walked, my youngest, she is got a legendary style. She wears a uh burger and fries pair of pajamas.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Sorry, you were telling a really interesting story, but then I was distracted by Harriet picking her eye.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

What is she doing? Is she okay? Yeah.

unknown 28:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

My daughter's wearing wears a pair of burger and fries shorts, pajamas, pajamas with shorts. They're her favourite party outfit, and uh, she wore them yesterday to the party. All the other girls were wearing like pink and leopard print and stuff, and she was wearing red and green burger and fries PJs. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

I think it's great. She's got a couple of her own identity. Yeah, yeah. So many people, like, well, people in comedy on uniform day, she wore a neckerchief.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

Because the the people you people in comedy desperate for a personality, like now, as adults, and now your daughter's so young and already a legend.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Well, that's the thing about this persona thing. So many, I'm gonna say it, so many male comedians who run comedy courses or do like talk about in the green room about people's persona, and they try so hard to develop a wacky persona. You don't fucking need to if you've got a fucking piece of persona.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

I think me on stage is actually probably more uh uh sophisticated. No, more um more sophisticated. What's the word? What's more or not organised, but there's more structured. Me on stage is more structured because I know what I'm gonna say, whereas me in real life is like, well, who fucking has a case?

SPEAKER_01 29:21

I think I'm quite like I'm quite deadpan and I seem a little bit like I don't know, but like dead pan about swinging a dildo round your egg.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

In reality, in real life So her delivery is deadpan and quite her movements and sexual.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

I don't take the piss off myself that much, but then in real life, as we've discovered, I'm a bumbling moron.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

No, but we have to, you have to have we all have structure it in theory, because you can't just get on stage and do nothing. Some people do, and they say but even someone like Ross Noble, someone said to me uh one of my tour shows, the the the tech there was telling me that they went to like three nights of his tour to see how much and even he has the bits that he gets to this is the thing with you, Harriet.

SPEAKER_00 30:10

I see so many people who are like, oh, she's just so off the rails. She's like and I was like, every not to ruin it for you guys, everything Harriet does is meticulously structured and planned and beautifully written.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

That's not all of it, bloody. A lot of it is I teach Harriet when I teach a comedy course about Harriet's show because I want to show people that things that we are actually beautifully structured. But no, not all of it, some of it's bloody bananas.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Because as well, in the because in because it in the moment, I try to be in the moment, even though I have prepared stuff, and then the thing is because I write so much, I do have like, for instance, everyone thought I was I was so off the cuff when someone sneezed in the room. You've just got a mass amount of material. Exactly. So uh so I am in the moment, but it's but stuff that I know works that's happened.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

When I stopped at your house, what I liked was like scattered on the floor, like your brain had exploded. Like you write you wr you write up all your bits, and there was like little pages of like Harriet's brain all over the place.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

Yeah, you like to write things down. Mm-hmm. I think we've gone off. We've 30 minutes, we've done 30 minutes, it's time to go home. Thank you so much. Well, we'll do one the next time. Look at look at oh god, look at Lindsay's calves. Show 'em. Look at those look at those calves. Look at them. Don't encourage him, little chino. Holy cards.