Lindsey’s massive vortex

This week on Social Moths, the gang catch up on everything from exclusive swimming lakes and childhood pet beetles to outdoor swimming disasters, wrestling alter egos and the strange things people find washed up - or falling - from the sky.

There's plenty of laughter as Lindsay discovers she wasn't invited swimming, Harriet shares the heartbreaking story of Bertie the pet beetle, and the conversation spirals into giant fish, fascinator fashion, synchronised swimming, and whether a fat fanny really creates drag in the water.

The listener confession is unforgettable too - after being unexpectedly lifted into the air at a birthday party, one listener suffers a very public bladder disaster. Was it their fault, or should their friend have known better?

As always, expect unfiltered stories, questionable life choices, complete tangents and plenty of laughs.

If you've ever been left out, embarrassed yourself in public, or owned a truly bizarre childhood pet, this episode is for you.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. Social moths.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Welcome to Social Moths.

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Woo! I can't believe it! Everybody here today. I'm trying to take the ball by the horns for once, Lindsay. Take the ball by the fucking balls. Sorry. Sorry, mummy.

SPEAKER_03 0:24

Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

Hello. She just won't she just let me.

SPEAKER_03 0:28

Just I'm trying to be in charge. Go on. Do you know we missed you when you weren't here?

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Yeah, there was no structural.

SPEAKER_03 0:36

Yeah, we I feel like it. Do you think I am keeping on track?

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

We struggled.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

Yeah. There is an element of it of um that we can tell when we should start getting back onto some kind of format. I'm gonna have a little break from the drive and look at the sky.

SPEAKER_04 1:00

You know when people talk about ADHC, they have no fucking idea. I cannot hide anything on my face.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

As soon as anybody I'm bored, I get bored so easily, and then I'm just off. Not engaged. Start again then, and I'll give you some. I don't think we talked last time about who was the butterfly of the week, but that's because it was me and you didn't want to wear message. Yeah, for me and you. I went to me because yes. I know it's a pepper pig world. Yes. I saw more things than you saw. But they were with your kids. That sucks. Uh no, my mum was there being passive aggressive about it. Yeah, that sucks. Family doesn't count. Yeah. Family doesn't count. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

What did you you did something more?

SPEAKER_02 1:42

I hung out with the mums as well. Oh yeah, you did one. I hung out with the mum. And guess what me and Harriet are gonna do if it comes off? Oh, another thing I got invited. Yeah, we're not. No, we actually said you're not. Another thing I got invited to Henley's Swimming Lake, which is a very exclusive is that? And why can't I invite it?

SPEAKER_03 1:59

Who is Henley?

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Henley with the ice cream shop by Stratford. Hello. Not Henry, Henley.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Henley, hey! No, it's not. We're not going to someone's house called Henley.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

Why can't I come swimming?

SPEAKER_03 2:13

You can.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Where are you going?

SPEAKER_03 2:14

To Henley's. Where is it? 20 minutes from Bristol.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

To London. Bristol! Henley? No, it's not place. Henley's, it's part of it's a place in Bristol called Henleys. Yeah. And there is a swimming lake there. But you have to be a member. Right. And it's quite difficult to get membership. Yeah, so you're gonna be fucked off for like one year, and there's this really long waiting list. There's people go on the waiting list for like five years. I don't know. But they they they did this thing where they did an lottery. Basically, I don't give a fuck about it. I got membership, and you're allowed to take two people with you, and Harriet's coming with me, and it is exclusive opportunity. And who else?

SPEAKER_03 2:56

Who else is coming, my friend Helen? Helen. So you fucking bigs. If someone drops out, you can come.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Well, I hope you fucking You wouldn't come anywhere. I love swimming. I used to be You're a very good swimmer. I can imagine you being a synchronised swimmer. She's great with those calves in the air. Really good. Pointed tail, I can imagine it. But put me off is uh obviously I've got quite a fat fanny, so in a swimming costume. Obviously, obviously I've got a few. Well, I get a lot of drag when I was swimming. Like a trawler. Yeah, you know, like when you get like a what is it like not slurry.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Not slurry, you fucking idiot.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Sorry for calling you an idiot. Um like when you get what's it called when like you can't A school of fish. Cold Rich, you went to school where you have like a bump and it causes friction in the water. It's a drag, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I like that. I think of your fanny like a little rubber ring. Yeah, it kind of is. Like bumpers at the bowling early. Yeah, but like basically I can't swim too fast because I just get pulled back in the tide for the two.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

I lost a shoe when we went swimming in in your current. Don't ask why I was wearing shoes.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

We did go swimming, didn't we? I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

So would you come then if we go another time?

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Bobbing along with our master fat fanny and a Harriet just go knock on a banana boat, we are in there. In your vortex. In my vortex. But will you come another time? Why can't I come this time? You can't. You only allow two people, but who's Hella? My friend, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

You want to go in for me?

SPEAKER_02 4:44

No, who's Hella?

unknown 4:46

Harry.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

What are you wearing swimming?

SPEAKER_02 4:49

Shorts and a bikini top.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

Why? I couldn't imagine what you'd wear.

SPEAKER_04 4:53

Do you wear billiabong shorts? I can imagine you in them.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

No, that's true. Why are you laughing? I've got Van's shorts with avocados with skeletons on.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Um, who's Helen and how do I get rid of her?

SPEAKER_03 5:06

She's very different. No, because Helen's going. No, but would you have come if she hadn't, if Helen Hunt have been coming? Well, I haven't even been asked, so we'll never. Well, you come next time, no.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Come next time, please. I'll go swimming on my own.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

I do Lindsay, you wouldn't even record a podcast in Bristol because it was too far. You wouldn't come to the Llamas the other day because it was too far.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

No, I was in Lancaster.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

But you said it was too far here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

Well, I'll I'll go anywhere for swimming. Oh, okay. Well now we know.

SPEAKER_04 5:43

Oh no. Reminds me if I lost membership of the I took you as and you suck the hole of the leg. It doesn't suck.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

It doesn't suck, Amy. It's just bulbous. It's overzealous.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

Then we have to jump on her and then there's a hole like a whale's flow hole.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

The hole. It's not the hole, it's the front. It's the mound. The mound? The back. Anyway, so you are going swimming together. I'm happy for you both. I hope you get trench foot in your assholes. Is that a thing?

SPEAKER_03 6:23

That's mean. Yeah, it's mean. I mean it. Well, have a nice way. Well, if you need if now we know you want to come. Too late now, isn't it? No, we'll go in the future. I want to go swimming. We will go.

SPEAKER_02 6:37

We'll go and I feel bad now. Good. Can we smuggle Lindsay in? I wouldn't go anyway. It's uh she wouldn't though. I know she wouldn't. You're a rat. I should have called her blah. Rich has got his mic, he wants to speak to us.

unknown 6:53

I'll just keep it in their bike, don't we?

SPEAKER_02 6:56

Would you would you uh have you been asked to go swimming with them, Rich? I need to face it. Have you been asked to go swimming with them? No, I haven't. No, there you go. Why would we ask Rich and not you? Me and Rich are going swimming. Me and Rich are going swimming. What are you gonna wear? You're gonna suck his chinos. I'm not gonna suck his chinos off. I swim in chinos. And he's got little armbands made of chinos as well. So I rich. I like I went outdoor swimming when I was in um uh Dublin. That there's like a place where you jump off some rocks, and uh uh the person I was with um was like we jumped straight in and he was like, Isn't it refreshing? And I was like, it's horrible. It does make you less anxious because you're so concerned that you're going to die of shock.

SPEAKER_03 7:47

Because it's so cold. It's freezing. Will my feet squouch? Not until you get out. No, but I mean is there mud on the floor?

SPEAKER_04 7:55

You can't reach the floor. There's ladders down, it's massive.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

Like, it's massive it's really, really big.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Is it a um what's what's this?

SPEAKER_02 8:05

It's an old quarry that's been made into a swimming pool. And it's but it's not down, but it's lovely because it's got like lily pads and little ducklings and stuff, right? It's really fucking frog. What are you doing? Purry you frogs in the lily pads and the fucking ducks and the fucking. I'm gonna be jumping from lily pads at the right time, you pieces of shit. We will swim along saying, Oh, thank god. Lindsay's not here with our jump. Fanny.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

Lindsay.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Sucking up the lily pads. Lindsay, I need to tell you something, it's important, okay? Because I don't want to forget because my brain's like a sieve and it's so good. Did you know that Harry had a pet beetle when she was a child? No, I didn't know this. Oh my god, you tell this story. Oh, I said you've got to tell it on the podcast. She said I can't because it's actually very sad. She meant it.

SPEAKER_03 8:47

Tell say what happened. So when I was younger, I had a pet beetle, and then I said to her Hang on. Yeah. How did the beetle come to be? I woke up and it was there. Oh, right. So then it was my pet, and then I told everyone I had a pet beetle, and then Zoe Case's mum goes to my mum after school. What the fuck is this? She's going swimming with you as well. She goes to my mum, just to let you know, Harriet's been telling everyone that she's got a pet beetle, and then everyone thought I was lying about this bloody pet beetle, and then um my dad comes into my room one day and he comes in to tell me off for lying again about the pet beetle, and he stood on it. I said, I told you I had a pet beetle, it's under your fucking foot, dead. I will remember you. And then we had uh we buried him in the garden in a pelicillin, in a little pelicillin jar. Bertie.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

That is sad. Oh, he's with the angels now. The beetle angels he's about that that is the size of a cat. For those listening, that was the size of a small cat. That's a large cat. Not if you count the tail pointing. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

Who counts the tail?

SPEAKER_02 10:16

Uh me. Because that would be what's everyone been up to apart from arranging to go swimming without me? No. I would be carving little things out of wax to make jewellery. Oh I love your little rings though. Madame. Have you making jewellery? That's who I am now.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

I met up with a a friend from uh Cornwall and we went for we well, we were gonna go to Nando's and then we went to you know those that if you go to a play, so I went to her house and then uh which was lovely, and then we went to so Nando's was shot, so then we you know, like a restaurant when it's what what so you know you wouldn't know, you know, in an area, yeah, you would never know, you'd never go somewhere unless someone local knee. Because you go there and it's like, what is this? It doesn't know it it looks Edwardian. There's there's like it smells like Thai food, and then there's like a WI meeting, yeah, yeah. And uh type of place. Oh my god, I've just remembered something as well. So we so my friend recommended the chili beef to start with. Is this in the Nando's? No, the Nando's was shot and we were devastated. So then we went to this restaurant that was a niche quiche, and then Where where I wait when this was happening? Where where?

SPEAKER_04 11:46

You weren't in Preston, you were in Cornwall.

SPEAKER_03 11:48

I went to Wales. Oh Wales, okay. So then uh so then we had the chili, so we had double beef each, then she was eating her beef, and then suddenly she was like I think I've got some beef stuck, and then this went on for a bit, and I was like, at what stage do you step in? So then I was essentially just watching her sort of choke, then like she put her whole hand like down the gullet of her throat and just pulled this meat out and then slopped it on the plate.

SPEAKER_04 12:19

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Like a bird, like she's regurgitated. Yeah, like when a bird, like a worm's coming up, and then I could only focus on this regurgitated meat. Did she not even hide the meat? I think you should at least tuck the meat under the plate. Under the plate?

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Under the plate.

SPEAKER_03 12:40

You don't want to look at the meat that's been chewed. I know all I could do was look at the meat, and then I felt awful because I thought of my poor brother when he was choking to death, and then my dad just watched him and I was like, oh my god, I've done that.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

But your brother's not dead, is he? Let's just stress that. So he didn't choke to death.

SPEAKER_03 13:00

Because that sounded like just reminded me when my brother choked to death and died. Sorry, when he started to choke to death but didn't finish to death. Still going. Yeah, and then my dad just went and watched Big Brother. And remember when my brother was like, Why didn't you help me? And he went, Oh right, and then off he went. So then, but then me and my friend we did joke about it. I felt awful. What? Because you couldn't help her. No, because I just watched, didn't really know. I didn't know the severity that she needs that she got to the level where she needed to sort of But I feel like if she's got she's still able to control, if she's able to put her hand down her throat and grab out a piece of beef, I think she's okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

I would have wretched. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 13:44

Yeah. Well, that's that what and then she like wiggled, she got like a hook and then like wiggled round and got it out.

SPEAKER_04 13:50

Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_02 13:51

What is this friend a human?

unknown 13:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Are you talking to seals again and seagulls?

SPEAKER_03 13:57

No, yeah, yeah, human.

SPEAKER_04 13:59

I curbed my I thought I saw a seal when we were in Scotland when I was up for Edinburgh Fringe, and uh it was the night that the awards panel were in, and I was like, I've got to drive there, gotta get there on time because it's important that the awards panel are there.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

Thought I saw a seal out of the window and drove straight into the curb. What do you mean? So you saw what you thought was a seal and then mounted the curb to kill the seal. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 14:28

Curbed, and then I was in the night seal in the middle of nowhere, and uh, I had to crawl around and I managed to find this guy eating a Sunday dinner who came and uh came and helped me, but it was oh it's a right who what what what was the seal?

SPEAKER_02 14:42

What was it? I could say no, not a seal. What was its name? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:47

Do you are you are you sealed?

SPEAKER_02 14:49

You're from Cornwall, you're not even impressed by a seal, probably.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

No, oh my god, so I've seen loads of seals washed up. Once once I went for a walk with my family, and uh this was the I think my mum and dad were not together, but we were all going for a walk, and then there was a giant fish on a rock, and and then my uh so dad was off the rock, and then my mum was like, bloody hell, there's a giant fish. So then she went to grab my dad while she was jumping off the rock. Didn't know my dad was having a wee, and she grabbed his willy and did they get back together for a bit then after that? No, it's just like why are you grabbing my willy when I'm trying to wee?

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Why are you grabbing my willy when I'm trying to wee?

SPEAKER_03 15:33

It was a massive fish. It's a massive willy as well. Get this. Well, everyone, and this is a theme, but everyone didn't believe me one time when on the way to school I saw a massive fish on the pavement, so it jumped out of the river across the road and then was on the pavement. No, it must someone must have dropped it. No, it was so big, and then and it was a bit f no, I'm lying, it wasn't flapping. And then and then I and then I said to everyone all day, I've seen a massive fish on the way to school, and everyone because obviously those days you didn't have a camera phone, and then and then no one's believed me all day, and then that night well uh evening dinner we were having our tea, and then I I said, Oh, no one believed me when I saw a fish on the way to school, and my dad was like, I saw the fish. So my dad he Do you think he put it there? No, he was just like that's mad that it's jumped across a road. Because it was like it had just jumped out of the water. Oh, I didn't think I got that bit. What? Jumped all the way across the road. It's not a massive road, but still. Yeah. Yeah, because why else must have picked it up and dropped it?

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Why what why is it saying when art when someone has picked it up and dropped it? You said it was too big. And then when Amy suggests a bird, it's likely.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Well, there was a lady on the radio, and she was walking along. No, she was doing a mow lawn, and then and uh a snake just fell on her from the sky, and that was a hawk. A hawk had a snake and then had drop dropped it. Imagine doing your fucking mowing your lawn and the snake lands on your head.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

I remember me and no one believes me, but it genuinely happened. We were on holiday, and uh I was sat reading a book in uh I think we were in France, and um I had my hair in like a clip, and uh I felt something fall on my head. Uh I was only about 16, and there was a little baby bird on my head just falling out of the sky on my head. And chicken licking. Yeah, and everyone was like, no, it didn't. And I was like, it literally fell on my fucking head. What did you do? Was it okay? No, it was dead.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Oh it fell on my fucking head, it landed on my clairs accessories, headband. Of course. Oh my god, so it just speared on your on your fascinator.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

I think it had died a a little while before and had been was being carried by something else. Oh my god. Away. Wildlife. Very fascinators. Fascinators.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

I love the fact they're called that. Like someone put something on their head once and the other one went, how someone else wanted? Oh my god, that's fascinating.

SPEAKER_03 18:17

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 18:18

I wore one in um Oh, I'd love to see that picture. Fuck me. You're in your billabong shorts with a fascinator on your head.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

Let the sprink trousers, string vest, and a feather feather fascinator. String vest. String vest, no bra. Nip sticking out through the hole. A little fascinator. Off come for the wedding.

SPEAKER_04 18:42

I feel like a string vest would be like one like uh, you know, like the Jamaican flag one. Oh, yeah, no, cultural appropriation. Yeah, alright, we're Cornish flag.

SPEAKER_03 18:53

Thank you. We have seals in the sea. Yeah, um but I did have a fascinator.

SPEAKER_04 19:01

Oh god, I want to see the does anyone have that picture?

SPEAKER_03 19:04

I think Marvin had it because I'm I'm not very sentimental, and then Marvin, I throw away on a not on a rage, but I just uh I I I lack declutter. No, I lack a sense of like to save old stuff, like I've just not asked. I think because I've moved house so many times anyway. So I was about to throw away the photo of me and two friends at the end of ball, and Marvin was like, you can't throw that away. So he's got it. Oh, wearing a fascinator.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Wearing your fascinator.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

Yeah, and I couldn't and I couldn't walk in the shoes because I never wore heels other than my grand's raised slippers.

SPEAKER_02 19:45

Well what what was the event?

SPEAKER_03 19:48

The end of um uh university, and then I just like threw my shoes off and started dancing to drum and bass from a fascinator on.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

We knew it, we knew it, didn't we? Ask the viewers about the listeners, viewers, whatever they are, about the song that you need the we can't get okay. We don't know this song. Harriet sent me a message with this going, what is this song? and I know it, and you know it. But Harriet will sing her version and I'll sing my version.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Yeah, because years ago I wanted to know because what I love about Lindsay is that she took it on like her own problem because years and years ago I wanted to know.

SPEAKER_05 20:23

Do you remember that song?

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Yeah, and it was Regina George. Oh, Regina George is uh Mean Girls. Yes, what a film. Um uh, what was the song? Song, talking about the song Dun dum dun dun dun dum, dum dun dun dum dum dun dun dum dum dun dun dum dum dun dum dum Just for context that Harriet didn't introduce the fact she was going to do a little daughter song. But you said for me to do it.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Yeah, but then you said Regina Spectre, and then you just went straight into it and then went straight into it.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

I kinda bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum boy like Terrence and Philip from South Park.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

It looks like it's I am only moving my jaw. But then don't we all only move our jaw upside down?

SPEAKER_03 21:21

You look like a toad. That's nice in a nice way.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

Some people say I look like toad of toad hall when I have a when I have um a waistcoat on. Because of my little legs. Do you remember when it was fashionable in like 2008? My god, yeah, I had a waistcoat. We all had waistcoats and we all looked like Toad of Toad Hall. There it was with my little waistcoat on and my fat fanny and my leggings. And everyone's like, here she comes, toad toadle.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

And what did he eat it? He had a say or something, didn't he? Toadle, and it lasts.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

Was it moly?

SPEAKER_03 21:57

Moley. Is it moly?

SPEAKER_02 22:00

What? Anyway, this week. Ratty. Um,'s a ferret or something. I've I've uh I went to watch the wrestling. Yeah, but you just say that every week. No, but like I what I physically went out, and part of me was like, I can't be fucked. And uh I went with my two mates and my beautiful husband, and it was not a televised one, so it was it's really good. Live, yeah, like live with my so sometimes I've been to see the televised one and they break all the time, and they have like people coming on doing chats, and you're like, Oh yeah, but this is just like they come on, they wrestle, they beat the shit out of each other, and they go, and it was great, and I had a lovely time, and my friend couldn't make it, so then I offered the ticket to a a lad at uh who's one of the parents at school because I know he likes the wrestling and he wanted to go, and uh he came with it, he was like, Oh yeah, and he gave him two hours' notice. Happy Father's Day. Watched the wrestling with him. Uh, because I thought I could just leave it and have no one sat there, or I could be social good for you! Uh so uh it was great then. LA Night, he was fighting.

SPEAKER_03 23:08

There's a LA night.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

LA night, yeah. Oh, he does he goes, L A night.

unknown 23:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

He's got little pants on. You really enjoy him, I think.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

What would your what would your entrance, what would your name be, and what would you got it?

SPEAKER_02 23:22

Linda Beef. Linda Beef. Linda Beef, right? And my my catchphrase would be it's curtains for you. That's great. And my move would be the beef curtain, and I'd just sit on people and that's it, and I'd kill them. Oh thank you. I thought a lot about this actually. I'm willing and ready to wrestle. I'm willing and ready to wrestle. I just I'm gonna go to an adult's gymnastics thing so I can learn to do a backflip. I'm going, I'm gonna do it this year.

SPEAKER_03 23:53

Oh, it's a shame that I don't live with the kids anymore because they can backflip really well, so they could have taught.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

I learned to do a handstand last week.

SPEAKER_03 24:00

Oh, right.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

It really upset David because it was in the middle of the living room while he was in a Zoom meeting. How did you learn to do that?

SPEAKER_01 24:06

On a Zoom meeting!

SPEAKER_02 24:08

You have to put your hat you have to get on the floor in like a shall I do it?

SPEAKER_01 24:14

It's not gonna be You have to get on the floor like that, with your hands and a fist, and then you put your hands over your finger like that, and then you just kick your legs. I'm not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Why did you why and how did you learn this?

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Because I'm gonna become a wrestler.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

Are you really? No, oh my god. Oh shut up! Is that everything? Is that all the sound gone? Did I just take all the sound out with my massive fanny?

SPEAKER_03 24:41

What? How did you think that?

SPEAKER_02 24:42

Lindsay just unplugged the cable with her fanny. I went to do a handstand and took the sound out of Rich's ear heart.

SPEAKER_03 24:49

But you weren't even there.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

Anyway, that's what I've done.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

I love that you're a wrestler called Linda. Linda Bee?

SPEAKER_02 24:55

There needs to be more that's that comedian's wrestling thing, isn't there? Yeah, people want to get on that very subtle. It's a subtle way of doing it. You know, you're like, oh hi, I really like that's not subtle. Yeah, but I haven't been like, can I be on it? Didn't want to ask. Oh. You ready for uh a listener? Yeah, yeah. All right. Uh I recently went to a birthday party at a pub type establishment. Just say it's a pub. It was a few hours in, and I was having a little dance when my mate came up behind me and grabbed me around the middle and lifted me up in the air.

SPEAKER_03 25:27

Ooh. By your stomach.

SPEAKER_02 25:29

This was no mean feat, as I am a bigger lady. So you can imagine my surprise. And you know what else was a surprise? My bladder. Now it wasn't a little dribble, no, no, it was a full-on piss. I could not stop it, all down my legs into my socks and shoes. I was frozen in time. I shuffled I shuffled with my partner in tow, and while I binned my underpants in the sanitary bin, my banana is at the hand dryer trying to dry out my shorts. Once they were less moist, I fucking love the word moist. I know some people don't. I carried on like a trooper. I have never had kids, but I am nearly 50. Should I have emptied my bladder more in anticipation of this thing happening? Or should my mucca have asked before performing such an action? Well, I want to know whether they were aware that this had happened.

SPEAKER_03 26:26

I what do you who's covered in poor?

SPEAKER_04 26:30

I mean the rest of the people. I think that um it the it's the blame lies firmly with your friends.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 26:38

And you should be proud.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

Yeah, they crossed the line. You you can't what were you gonna do? Go around your life pissing because you think someone's gonna come up and grab you by the stomach.

SPEAKER_02 26:49

I think that's the way you should be, yeah. I think you should constantly be anticipating. I was assuming it was a woman, yeah. A woman, yeah. I don't well.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

No, it was, it was.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

Oh yeah. I would constantly be piss, I'm pissing right now, just in case anybody I am pissing now. I love reach. I'm pissing.

SPEAKER_03 27:08

Have you listened to uh wonderful Esther Manito? She's got a bit, which is a true story about when she did a tough mudder and she had a um uh tenor lady, yeah, and then uh uh and then a comedian lifted her up over a fence, but because she was doing the top, it had filled up with water and mud and stuff, and then he lifted her up over the fence, she slipped, and her tenor lady went against his head, and all of her tenor lady juice dribbled down his face. Isn't that brilliant? That's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 27:50

I always um don't worry, Richard, we're running to time. Pipe your little neck behind the curtain. Well, you didn't say anything, but you know what you did? You slid behind the curtain and you looked at the clock as if to go, hurry the fuck up, you fucking women. That's what his face said, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_03 28:09

No comment.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

No comment needed. Um I uh I think also when you piss yourself, what a panic, and how lovely that your partner was there to help you. Uh my would would your partner help you bring out your own piss? When I had Selma, I just stood up out of the bed after well, like like that afternoon, stood up to get out of the bed and just like it was like I didn't even feel it. I think all the bits get all bruised and stuff. That was weird. That was right in front of him and a midwife. I pulled my cafeteria out, can't be asked. You pulled you what? I was waiting for them to come and take it and they're taking too long.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

You're very impatient.

SPEAKER_02 28:49

I was also mentally ill. Yeah, I haven't got a willy though.

SPEAKER_03 28:55

I I love it. Thank you for sending that in. That's a good one. That was a good one.

SPEAKER_02 28:59

That was my favourite that we've had, actually. Yeah, but I love I love that. I love that for you. I love that you pissed yourself and still recovered. And I'm proud of you.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

And I love that your partner didn't ask questions and just was there drying.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Yeah, drying your pissy shorts. Also, if you've been out drinking, you're probably hard quite hydrated so your piss won't be so pissy. True. That's just my opinion of it. What a br I would I would actually, if you want to do that again, I would pay money to be in that audience to see all that happening. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:26

To see somebody come up, surprise you, the look on your face of surprise, and then just piss.

SPEAKER_02 29:31

Imagine being picked up there. Brilliant. That in itself is like. And then did the person know that do we don't know. Please tell us. Did the person know that you pissed themselves? Maybe it's not, you know, like skunks when they're startled and they go piss out their ass. No, they don't piss. What is it? Stink. Stink. Piss stink.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

No, no piss. Stink. Stink. Once I was looking after a friend's cat whilst they were at some event. And then the cat, I didn't know whether it I it wanted to be let out, but I didn't know if it I couldn't ask them because they were in a show. And then I couldn't ask the cat because it didn't speak. So I th I I didn't know if if it usually got let out because it only had one eye. So I thought maybe it is um uh vulnerable in the wildlife. So then I was watching TV and it kept like looking at me with its one eye, going, Come on now, I need to go outside. And then um and they had this like really luxurious like entertainment system, just fucking look right at me and turn around and then just did fucking sprayed everywhere.

SPEAKER_05 30:36

Oh god, and was it allowed outside?

SPEAKER_03 30:39

Yeah, oh there you go. And then I and then I was like trying to clean all the stuff with fairy liquid, and it's like they knew me. They were like, Harriet, do not clean it with fairy liquid. I was like, How did you know that's what I was doing?

SPEAKER_02 30:53

Right, well, that's the end. Um I hope you enjoy swimming together. Not they're having a conversation without me, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03 31:01

Lindsay.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

Enjoy your swimming. I'll see you on the other side.

SPEAKER_03 31:09

Can we make a date?

SPEAKER_02 31:10

Enjoy your fat fanny.

SPEAKER_03 31:12

Can we make a date for next swim with Lindsay? Yeah, but yeah, I'd like to.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

I'm just doing outside swimming. It's my favourite thing. I want to be a toad. We'll do it. We'll bucket him. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Kind of what you wish for, Lindsay.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

Because your dreams have come true. I wish that we all hold hands and close our eyes and think about how I wasn't invited to go swimming.

SPEAKER_05 31:44

Bye! Bye, bye.