The split of my webs

This week on Social Moths, the conversation goes completely off the rails as the gang catch up after holidays, lake swims and family weddings, before somehow ending up debating split toe webs, fairy sightings, cats with identity crises and one of the strangest engagement stories you'll ever hear.

From Harriet's relaxing trip to Lanzarote and Lindsay's increasingly busy social life to bizarre childhood memories, awkward holiday mishaps and a listener dilemma about a neighbour who seems to think someone else's cat belongs to him, there's no shortage of laughs.

Expect plenty of outrageous tangents, questionable life advice, stories that may or may not be true, and the usual unfiltered chaos that somehow makes perfect sense... eventually.

If you enjoy hilarious conversations between friends, bizarre real-life stories and podcasts that never stay on topic for long, this episode is for you.

Follow, subscribe and join the Social Moths community for a brand new episode every week.

Harriet Dyer

Website - https://harrietdyer.com/media/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/harrietdyercomedy?igsh=dWI0dWtndWFsN2ph

Amy Mason

Website - https://amy-mason.com (Currently on tour - see website for dates)

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy?igsh=YzE3d3phY2xuM2E0

Lindsey Santoro

Website - https://www.lindseysantoro.co.uk

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/linzsantoro?igsh=MXN5aTJ5dHlnbjByag==

Producer - Richard Lannen 

@richlannen

Produced by Nozzle Media

Website - https://nozzle.media

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nozzlemedia?igsh=MWVzbm5wano4czNwNQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. So shall moduntag einen dichund.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

What's that mean?

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I have a fat dog.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Oh my god. Welcome to this.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

My Buddhist I'm poodle.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

My bood.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Your Buddhist is a poodle. My brother is a poodle. I did a I had to do a presentation in my German saying in year nine. And I didn't. Have we been gone? Me and my friend did Good and Morgan middle and Nick. And uh our problem. We had someone coming on with the problem, and the problem is mein Buddhist einpoodle.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

You're you've got such a German vibe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

I Google, do you know what? German vibe. That's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yeah, yeah. Like, but not like I can't like I would because your voice is great. Yeah, your German voice is so like I am like Mein Buddhistein Pudel.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

A Google Schreiber. What is what are people saying? Pencil sharpener. Or maybe rubber.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Mir Schweinchen.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

Discotech.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Can I have something to to say? Discotech is French, isn't it? Ooh, elle a bibliothèque. Where is the Ooh Pissing? No, I don't even know if that's right. Oh by Bonjour. Welcome to Social Moths. Welcome to Social Moths. This is not um gonna be in the usual format because uh this episode is going to be an intervention for Harriet Dyer. Uh joke. We've decided for the first time, I imagine.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Yeah. Yeah, people like well, usually people cut me out or usually we can't be friends with you anymore because of your behaviour.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

That's not really an intervention.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

That's an intervention. That's the opposite, that's it. That's an excavation.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

So thanks so much, but I can't tolerate you anymore. All the best.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Well, then some people have gone if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. Is that of an intervention?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

No. An intervention is normally where people kind of get you together.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Intervention is where people want to. Intervene. Oh yeah, no one's ever wanted to smell it.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Someone intervenes and stops, like you stop. If they're physically leaving the room, or that's the opposite you are actually in a room.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Said that they need to talk to me about something, and they were like, We think you're gonna be really angry, but we need to talk to you about it. And I said, What? And they said, You keep wearing that jumper, and it's disgusting. And I had this like that's an intervention.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Are you waving at us, baby Tom?

SPEAKER_01 2:41

H M jumper. Oh, Tom's Tom with the big hands.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Baby Tom. Uh, can we please stick to the topic in hand?

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Oh, that's nice. It's someone else is trying to do that, not just me.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

We realised when Amy wasn't here that Amy does that a lot more actually, and you are not the fine.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Can I actually have a moment, please, to um last episode there was a bit of a debacle with you going swimming without me.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

Um I didn't even go.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Exactly. Exactly. And then there was a last-minute attempt of an olive branch from Amy going, you can come if you want to now, because Harriet's not coming.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

And I But she could only bring in two people. She had only had a pass for two. Did you go?

SPEAKER_01 3:25

I did go. Was it lovely? Yeah, it was lovely. And we said actually, my friend Helen said, Oh, isn't it? Oh, we're so lucky that Harriet Dars is not here.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

In my bill of shorts. In a billion shorts.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

I imagine you swimming. You were that what I needed there was a fat funny. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

I imagine drag me along. I I've seen you swim in, but even though I've seen you swim, my mental image of you swimming is is is legs and arms moving at different times. Linus of someone drowned. Yes, yeah. Yeah, you're very limited and buoyant. No, I'm not buoyant. Oh, no, you're not. You are quite sinking at the bottom.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Oh my god, yeah. Because at school they would go, well, A, I was did my 10 metres far behind everyone else, and B, they would go, someone would actually come and hold me and go, Come on, Harriet, kick those legs, and then yeah, go, and I'd sink.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

One of my favourite things about swimming is how light people are, and I really enjoy picking David up like a baby. And he hates it because you can't like when we went on holiday, we were in the pool, and he's like a like a six-foot bloke, and I'll just you come up bit because I'm really good at swimming underwater, let me tell you. That's really good. I can I'll sip and swim. You can't you won't see me coming. I come up behind you, I pick you up from the bottom of the floor, you're carrying you around like a baby.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

But her default is butterfly. Is that you that does it? Yeah, she only sings like butterfly. She only swims in butterfly. No, it's not true. Isn't that insane?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

I just thought that's not true.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Because on the holiday I said to Marvin, it's you that swim only swims like butterfly. He goes, No, and I went, Must be Lindsay then.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

That's not true. I just told her that because someone I've not been swimming with many years. No, it was me. I said that to you. And then spent the whole time in the pool when we were staying at that home. Why would you lie to me? How such an old thing?

SPEAKER_02 5:29

I was just, I don't know. It's just made me laugh. Oh my god, I've been telling everyone. Yeah, I don't really swim much. I just sort of am within the bob. Right. Do you know what I mean? I'm just like feeling the water, bobbing about.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

I can imagine.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Like a shitting a U, babe. There she go. No, like a tampon in Mallorca.

unknown 5:55

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

What's everybody done if we're so obsessed with staying on the bloody plate?

SPEAKER_02 6:00

I went to Lanzarotti.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

I know.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Why have you said it like that? Because I was there.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Doing the butterfly. No, no. I just saw the nice photo.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

I fucking loved it. I never ever go anywhere where everything's like, because I think I have issues with change, and if like if I plan for how something's gonna be, and then it's not like that, I just get very upset and I can't relax because it's not as I know, and then da da da. But this was exactly as the photos were. Oh lovely. There was every all these people had their the room was like overlooking the terrace, and there's all these pink people sunbathing and being like pink people, not pink, and then um but me and Marv were like away from it all. We had a sea view hotel, it was and because we were on a balcony, you could because you know Lanzarot, we all know Lansafort is like volcanic island, yeah, so there's a lot of black rocks, and then so the balcony, I felt I I was disappointed there wasn't sand. It was just, but then it was just the way the balcony was. Then when we left the balcony, you could see all the sun, it was so nice. It was like no, do you know? Because when I went on holiday before, people just look at me like I'm weird, but everyone was weird. And in fact, no, breakfast people look at us weird actually, and then that pissed me off. But anyway, food, I'm not a fan of the food really anywhere. What did they ask? It's just unspecified meat. I can't be dealing with unspecified meat, and then Marvin eats it all, and then he's like, Oh, I don't know what's happened, I feel ill because you're eating unspecified meat.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

I love unspecified David showed me an article about kebab meat and he said Oh a goat skin. He said it's got goat skin in it, and I was like, but I'd eat chicken skin. So why can't I and I like goat meat? Yeah, a goat curry. I've never had a goat curry. Oh, it's nice. Is it? But sometimes like the one I had was on the bone, which was a bit unnerving. Oh no. The meat of it in a goat curry. If you get like a proper Jamaican, mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

But uh I I I had a bit of an issue with I got new flip-flops and then um they almost cut my toes off. Do you go in between the toes? No, God no, I'm not a psychopath. No, don't even, Lindsay. That stresses me out. Sometimes I lay in bed worrying that my my my in between my toes are going to be.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

I can't, I will only wear flip-flops in between the toes if I'm going from a if I'm like at a spa and I'm going a very short distance. No, I don't like them either, but I'm just staying in bed at night worrying about them. I go look at her. It's split the split of my webs. The split of my webs. Richard, write that down. That is the name of this week's podcast. The split of my webs.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Split of my webs. My grandma says when uh if you fell over when I was a child, said, Oh, watch out, you'll split your difference. Oh, yeah, we're gonna be. That's what my mum used to say.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Do you know there's a uh there's that mean your fanny form?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Yeah, no, it means split it goes all the way up and split your fanny or you're willy, it means that's your difference.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Is that my difference?

SPEAKER_01 9:06

That is your difference.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

This is my difference. Welcome to Is this your difference? Is this your difference? Or is it my difference? Is it split? Do you know in Corbell there's uh I've known but I think it I think it's like oh have you heard this happen? I don't know from the horse's mouth, do you know what I mean? But the the amount of people well two that have been someone's proposed to someone and then put the ring on the finger, then they've gone over they've gone on a lovely romantic walk and then they've gone over a fence and then the rings and then their finger has fallen off and the finger's got a the ring on. What the fuck are you going on about? No, like I know two people that said that have happened to two different people. Why are the fingers got caught on a fence? Like deglove the finger. No, no, no. The fingers not skin off, whole finger off. Why? What fence?

SPEAKER_00 9:58

You can't just say fence. Also, what is the context? How have you got here? No, hang on. What how did we We're talking about your your cutting your toe off with your flaps, right? And now you're some why is the ring cutting the finger off?

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Because they go for a romantic walk, they've proposed, they've put the ring on, then they've gone, let's carry on this lovely walk, they've gone over a fence, and then the ring has got caught on the fence, and then they've gone off fence finger. Ha.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Then I've put my hand on under the fences as a married woman, and my fucking fingers never fall.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Yeah, well, think yourself lucky then. Well, alright, I will. Okay. So then the fit but then the finger's just left on the floor. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm only telling you the information I've received.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Well I've we can get information and If this has happened to someone you know, could you contact us? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

If you know anyone who's whose fingers falling off from the floor, one of the people is the one that I cut out of my life last week. Well, we don't give a fuck about that anyway. Not that. We don't give a fuck about she's got no finger. No, she's one of the people that told me about one of them. Case rested. No, case not rested.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Bollocks, no.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Bitch, could you Google if a woman has had a finger chopped off in Cornwall on a fence because she got married?

SPEAKER_02 11:32

No, that she went over a fence, her finger got caught, and then ripped off. So I'd say woman, but this was very long ago before social media. Well, she still won't have a fucking finger.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

She's backtracking, she's backtracking.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

I'm not backtracking. She's not backtracking. So you've gone on holiday. Oh yeah. Have had such a nice time. I feel very I I've never felt relaxed on holiday in my life.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Oh, in your whole life.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

In my whole life. I just don't relax. I don't have a nice time. Uh I I just and then under other than my finger possibly getting ripped off. I mean, sorry, other than my toe getting deeply rubbed, uh, I had a great time. Uh what did I do? I just relaxed. I do have an issue though, because uh like Marv is like the look at that that I got so burnt. Wow, that's really it's like the ice cream Neapolitan.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Wow. Yeah, yeah, that is strawberry and chocolate. Yeah, that's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

So I got very I got very burnt. I always get burnt in this first day, even using factor 50. What's it doing?

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Are you but you have to this is what I say to people, and nobody listens to me. Your skin absorbs it, you have to reapply it. Are you reappointing it? I did reapply it. Well, click your body says it's not. Hmm, maybe I missed my tummy. Yeah, that's probably what's happened. Poor tomtum. Poor tomtum.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

But it was great, it was so fun. Nazarati. I'm gonna go again. In the autumn.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Marvin kept going, he said it so many times. Can this be our spot? And I said, Marvin, I need to reserve judgment until day two. And then once we got to day three, I said, This can be our spot. Oh low, that's nice. And and because you know, usually when the but the like, I'm never like the it was the hotel was so near the beach that you could go have a wee and come back. Love that. It was sprue, just really to have a wee. Logistically great.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

What have you done? Come on. Well, I went to the lake. Um Harriet didn't go, but I went with my friend Helen. I wasn't invited, and then I met another friend. I bumped into another friend. It's always the lake. There's a lot of people that I know that always. And um then, and then I went to the lake again with somebody else. Oh my god. Who I don't know very well. She's just moved to Bristol, and I met up with her and we went to the lake Bristol. And then another time, this is like the most social I've been at in my whole life for years, and and then I had round my daughter started a fun club, it was meant to be folding club because she loves folding clothes. She's seven, not 15. And um, and I thought that I wasn't sure our friends would be on board with that, so we changed it to Thora's Fun Club. She had some friends around, and then their mums came and I sat and had coffee with them, and they were really nice. We had a really nice start. That's lovely. What what what's the fun? What do you do in fun clubs? We did papier mache, but actually my mum was there, so my mum ended up doing it with them.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

I haven't done papier mache for ages. I did that. See a bit of that. Papier.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

They did that and they played in the paddling pool bit. I'd love to do papier mache.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

We should do that then. Yeah. Let's do some pap. What were they papier mache ing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

A bowl. Bowls. Oh, they make planets. What did you put in it? They were gonna they're they're well, they're drying out, then they're gonna paint them, but they haven't done it yet.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

I'm not being rude.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Lady of the I'm gonna call you Lady of the Lake. I think I got bitten by some kind of p insects there though.

SPEAKER_02 15:14

Oh no. Marvin got bitten on holiday. Lindsay, what did you um oh my god, on the way back from Lanzarotti, I sat no this guy. He's vape smashed in his bag, so it's stunk of fucking blueberries or whatever. Then his I've never known anything. Did you not sit pick your seats?

SPEAKER_00 15:33

You don't really don't really care, did you?

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Oh well, what happened on the on the way back was I forgot. So I got the last two.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

So sorry. So I was uh me and Marv were separate, which was sad. Uh so then I was next to this um this guy who I thought it was his mother. Or he was uh caring for someone. I don't have to whisper that it was his girlfriend. Oh dear. And then um we went. He ordered who orders like on he ordered uh two curries, three sandwiches, and maybe it was just eating and eating on a flight from Lanzarote. How long's that flight? Four hours.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Richard, did you find out a story about a woman whose fingers fell out?

SPEAKER_01 16:22

There was one in America.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

Look, I'm telling you, this out just because it's not reported, we're secret in Cornwall. Sometimes we like to go under the radio.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

What the fuck are you all you all the Cornish people? I don't know about his bloody fairies. Let me tell you corn.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

We've got no signal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

They haven't uploaded it yet.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Have I have I told you about um sorry, have I told you about um uh when I saw fairies in Cornwall?

SPEAKER_01 16:51

No, I'm excited to hear though.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

So when I was young, really mm, I don't know how old I would have been, but I used to at eight o'clock on Sunday, I knew that I'd have to pretend to be asleep because otherwise these fairies would come in my window and take me away. So I'd pretend to be asleep and then and then I'd be like that and I'd see them come in and check and then uh and then leave, and I knew that they were bad. And I saw them every week for like three weeks. How old were you? I don't really know. I'd say ten. That's quite old. Oh, I was of a hefty though, they would have had to put a shift in to float me out. Yeah, I imagine how many were the four? No, like no, like maybe six or seven. You don't know how strong a fairy is those, isn't it? That's the thing. But you saw them come in and then you thought I knew they were bad. They weren't good. I knew that. They were bad, yeah. They look bad. Yeah, mystery. If it wasn't wasps.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

No, because I would I mean it's more likely though, Harry. You're looking at me like what's she like? Yeah, like she's not more likely, Harry.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

You're more likely to have a wasp or a moff than a fairy coming in and going more likely pretty much anything than that. It could be anything.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

My mother believed me.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah. Why would they why would they just not take if you were asleep? Surely it'd be easier to take if you were asleep.

SPEAKER_02 18:21

No, dead weight.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Yeah, but if you're awake and screaming and punching the wasps, it's probably harder to take.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

It's not wasps. They would had personalities and faces and then do you know what they're wasps? Do you know the um the the song Viva Forever by the Spice Girls?

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Oh, yeah, I think that's probably what's do you know people have sleep paralysis, paralysed, what they call demons? For three weeks. No, because people do that. They have sleep paralysis demons. Uh yours are the fairies from Viva Forever coming to take you away. Viva forever. What have I done this week? Thanks for asking.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Um little union jack dress.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Oh yeah. I hope she had knickers on when she was flying about.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Madam.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

I love that when it goes, I love in uh does it spice up your life when uh they are going and and salsa and dee dee and all the different dances, and posh just says, I'm Foxtrot.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

It's just number one. Foxtrot. She did not give a fuck because she knew she was on for better things straight away. And I like that about her. Stay where you are. I have uh I've deliberately made an effort to go out and see people, you know, and it was hot. Like my friend was like, Oh, do you want to come to uh my garden has got one of them like massive BM swimming pools? Oh, lovely. And I was a bit like, could I just should I just stay in my house with the air con? Because I had a gig and I was like, You've got air con? Let me tell you this. When I was pregnant, I went fucking mental and I was very hot. And I said to David, I said, if you don't buy me air con, I'm gonna throw myself out of the window, which was my go-to threat. I was always gonna throw myself out of the window. Uh it doesn't matter that my window has like a ledge off it, so I wouldn't have gone anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Yeah, you're on the ground floor, like you there's not much hindsight.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Yeah, and then there's the um what's not the the porch roof, so I would have just rolled onto that and onto the car. Anyway, David was like, Yeah, I'll get so we've got like a portable ercon thing, wonderful. Um, and I thought, well, I've got a gig and it's uh no, but I went and I sat in the pool and I bought May, and May played with the kids and they were having a lovely little time, and I just thought, oh, I'm glad I've come now because I could have just fucked it off, and then his friends were there, and David came. It was just nice, just nice to do that, and then it was just just pithering around my house, and then on Saturday we had a family wedding, which was so hot. So whose wedding hot? It was David's nephew's wedding. There's only like ten years between him and his nephew, and he got married, which is just nice. Was it lovely? Yeah, it was lovely because they kind of just did it their way, and the ceremony was in this lovely little place off Sowerbridge, and uh it was just really nice. The weather was nice, it was bloody hot though, and uh took my own industrial fan to the reception because they were like there's no air con. So I just sat with this.

SPEAKER_02 21:37

People can't hear the vowels because she's that.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

People were coming at the reception to like sit at our table, because obviously that had the biggest fan on it, so then I was inadvertently socialising, which was lovely. No, you were being used, yeah. And I'm happy to be. But when we left, we took the fan with us, and people were genuinely distraught. But I was like, I'm not leaving this fan here. It was genuinely. Nice, but that was such a lovely little and they did it all themselves, like they had sandwiches and and um the vows.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

Oh no, they didn't use the same people as your birth, did they just have onion sandwiches? That was rank.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

Oh, don't be mean. I had a lovely time.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

The party, I think they like onions. I think you're to a point. You don't want to walk into a room and it fucking stinks of onion. Also, two needs that many fucking onion sandwiches. That party was was was not what I wanted, to be honest. And it wasn't anyone's fault but the the venues.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

That's my the it was lovely, but like who's putting blocks of onion in sandwiches?

SPEAKER_00 22:37

Yeah, there were blocks, and I love I love an onion, but uh there's there's so much you can tell. Not when you need to socialise.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Can you take a photo of us, Rich? Can you take a photo right now? In the middle of the podcast, yeah, on your phone and send it.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Yeah, do it now to all of us. So that's what I did. I did that and did that and did that.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

That is the definition of ADHD.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Anyway, do you want a listener question for listen and listen? I quite listener question, but it's a listener input. And this is for advice. Oh I've got excuse me. Listen, it's natural. No point. I could shit on the floor and no one would care, but I've birthed. No, wait a minute. I would care against you. Oh, but you would be concerned for that. I would care against you. Right, this is the uh drawer of shame. Who wants I'm opening the drawer of shame. Okay. That's gonna fly out monkey old box. My neighbour has taken the beginning of Thriller. I watched the Michael Jackson film.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

It's fine. Mika.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

I won't watch that.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

It's just him going Michael Jackson's here. I won't watch that. Why? Why?

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Because I just I watched the documentary about him being to the I just I don't think he's a good egg.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with his upbringing, and that's formed him to be a strange, unusual little man. But it doesn't go that far, would you believe it? It cuts off just as uh part one, part two, yeah. Is it gonna be a part two?

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Fair enough. Here my neighbour has taken our cat as his own.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Oh bastard.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

Brings her round he brings her round in the evening and says, our cat has been good today. Do I tell him that that's our cat? Or do I just appreciate that he doesn't mind the cat shitting in his garden? Right.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

I guess that you need to the audacity to bring round someone else's cat and say our cat has been good today.

SPEAKER_00 24:52

I uh I I if he's not feeding it. Well, this is cats cats will go with his food. They don't give a shit, really. This is why I'm not a fan of them. But uh Keith started to Keith is my cat for a start. They're users. Yeah. Keith started doing this thing where whenever I come back late from a gig, as I'm pulling on the drive, he will lie in front of where I park the car because then he knows I've got to stop the car, get out of the car, pick him up, take him into the car to stop him driving back, running front in the car. Driving to stop him driving to stop him. Motherfucker! I'm after some catnip, pick him up, put him in the car, park the car, and then I have to pick him up because he likes to be picked up on his own terms. I cannot just pick him up, he'll go fucking mental. But he finds this very in like but now he started doing it when my mum comes. He hears my mum's car and he'll lie in front of it. She won't get out of the car, she just waits for him to go. And he's just but he's he's like that's what he does. That's his his little psychological, but he will go anywhere there's food, he will just fuck up. Yeah, he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't give a shit.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

I've got one cat who is lovely and would not go. She loves me and I love her. The other cat you think that's the other cat, honestly. I she shits on the floor, she killed a bird, and I can't find the body of the bird. She left the head and the leg on the floor. Marking territory bringing you a cat. It's so upsetting. She just bites my legs and bites my feet. And I know people are obsessed with animals in this country. They're all gonna, well, they're gonna say, Oh, she's you need to, she's trying to tell you something. You need to rub a leather. I'm gonna tell you she's an asshole, mate. She's an arsehole. I've tried a lot of different things with that. We've got fallaway plugins. I'm trying, I do try, but she does drive me bananas.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

We um used to someone told me if the cat was scratching something, you should get like a little water pistol and squirt the cat because they don't like it. Fucking loves it. Fucking loves being squibbed. This is why he said squibbed. This is why he sits in the uh in the bath now, because I know like he what he's he turns out he's waiting for a wash. Such a strange cat, honest to God.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

So is so is the other person feeding them? It would appear slightly. But then also you have to you have to it would appear slightly. You were gonna say so. You were gonna say it appears so, realize you didn't know, so then said it would appear slightly.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

I've shut my messages down. It would appear slightly. I know that uh springs are ranging it's that cat has been done. Do you want to tell him I'll just no, there's no mention of anything.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

I think we need to establish that. I think that is crucial.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

I would say uh just let the cat do what it wants, but make sure that person's not you can't stop a cat from shitting.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Is it getting bigger? I haven't got the answer, Sarah. People need to stop asking me the I don't know the cat. I don't know who owns the cat. I don't know the neighbour. Please, we need more information. We need is the neighbour feeding the cat? Is the house if the cat is a house cat, we are concerned. Because that shouldn't speak for yourself. Why? I'm not concerned.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

I woke up with my neighbour's cat. You woke up with your neighbour with no. Did I talk about this last time? My neighbour's cat in my bedroom twice. Three nights in a row. I woke up the first night. I thought I was hallucinating. But I thought there's something else here apart from my cat. And then the next night, there it was clear as day. Clearest day. Clear as day.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

What did you do? Throw it out the window. Throw it out the fucking window. Swung it round like Mrs. Tronchball. Oh, that's another thing the cat does. He'll come in the bedroom and then just sit on the windowsill and go. Because he doesn't meow properly. And he wants you to open the top window so he can jump out the top window, slide off onto the patio. Thank you, Richard. And then uh onto onto the patio roof, and then slide off onto the car, and then he runs around the house and jumps out the window again.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

That's like he's a a Los Angeles cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so I think you which is you my advice for everything, really, is to say uh when he comes bringing in the your cat and goes all we's blah blah, then you no to go to the neighbour. Oh, you cheeky bastard, you do know it's my cat. Yeah. That's what I'd say. So then you're saying what you need to say, but in a nice put a colour aggressive way, don't touch my fucking cat. Yeah. But then, like he said, like they said, they need uh like it's good to have them on side in case you want to go out and want someone to look after the cat. That is really good, yeah. So our advice my advice is use them. Yeah. But establish dominance.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

I'd like to I'd like to cast my vote for muff of the week. Me. Me, no worries. I don't know with your partner. You went, I went on holiday with my family last week, or the week before. And you were like, oh, you just spent time with your family and your husband. That's literally what you've done in another country. She has actually made an effort to swim, although I wasn't invited. She's gone to the lake, she's made new friends, she's had a fun time club. Amy Mason, my vote is Castyus. And I really deserved it this time. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:34

You two are dead to me.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

What have you done? Lie in the sun and burnt yourself. Yeah. Who are you talking to when you're doing that? Fucking no one. Or you go, unspecified needs.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

Fair enough. I'm happy for you, Amy.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

She's not here. She looks live.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

I slightly am. Follow us all. If you're in Edinburgh, come see mine and Lindsay's shows and love us tenderly.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

Yeah. Caress my bottom knee, not my top one. That's only for best. You wanna plug anything? No. Okay. Bye bye. Bye.