Grief Is Not Weakness: Navigating Loss with Strength and Faith | Episode 4

In this heartfelt episode, Safraz Bacchus reflects on grief as more than loss—it is love with nowhere to go. Through spiritual insight and real-life experience, he explores the pain, the questions, and the quiet strength required to carry it. A powerful reminder that healing doesn’t mean forgetting, but learning to live, grow, and find meaning even in the deepest sorrow. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Peace and love be with you all, and welcome to SB Life Insights Podcast. I'm your host, Santhoras Facus. I'm a certified life coach and chaplain, and also a global peace ambassador and community leader here in New York. And today we will be discussing a very sensitive and important subject area, and that is grief. As we continue to discuss about uh open mechanism, we want to have this brief discussion about grief. Grief is something that every human being will experience at some point in his or her life. It may come from losing a loved one, losing a child, your parents that you're attached so much to. When you lose your parents, you grief, your very marriage that you work so hard to build, when you lose that marriage and your experience in a divorce or going through a divorce, you may grief. Losing your health, seeing and witnessing that your health decline, losing a dream that you work so hard to reach and achieve, or losing a sense of identity. So grief does not only come when we lose someone and someone taps away. Grief can come when life changes uh suddenly. When things change in our lives suddenly, we may experience a level of grief. When expectations are broken, we may also experience grief. When we feel a deep emotional pain that changes our very heart. And today we want to explore in the in the very few minutes that we have uh what is grief, the types of grief, what various scriptures say about grief, uh, the stages of grief, real life examples and experiences that we may share with you about uh grief. Um so let's start to talk about what is grief, right? If we understand the definition of grief, we're able to have a better understanding what grief is. And grief is a natural emotional response to loss, and it should be noted that grief is not weakness. When you experience grief, it is not a sign that you are weak. When you experience grief, it is not a la a sign of lack of faith. So stop believing that your faith is weak when you grieve, and stop telling someone that when they are grieving that their faith is weak. And it's not something for us to be ashamed of. Grief when we experience that, it is as if the heart is trying to process the shape the the change that we experience. It is the the love with nowhere to go. When we love deeply, we also grieve deeply. It affects us emotionally, physically, mentally, it affects us spiritually. Emotionally, what happens we may feel sadness. When we grief, we may feel anger, we may feel a sense of guilt, uh a sense of loneliness, and also mentally we may feel confused when we grieve, we feel distracted, unable to focus, and physically also grief causes fatigue. We may get and experience headache when we grieve, we may lose our appetite, and it may be difficult for us to somehow sleep or get a rest during the course of the day or night. And also, I'll say spiritually, grief can cause you to ask very deep questions. Why this is happening? So you question the divine, you question why you're experiencing this, why this is happening to you now. Why is it that I have to lose my child? Why my family? Right? So these are all things, all the things that you should be mindful of. And when we think of grief, I often like to say that grief reminds us that we are human beings, and as long as we're human beings, we will have these experiences. So there are various types of griefs, right? And let's uh focus on each one of them and give you some level of understanding, right? So you may understand when you experience or someone experienced this, you were able to relate these types to what you're seeing and what you are witnessing. So there is anticipatory grief, and this type of grief actually occurs when we know a loss may happen soon. Someone is diagnosed with a life trapped in illness, and you know that that person may pass away very quickly, or someone is really, really ill, and you know that person will be confined, and so having that knowledge that something is going to happen may cause you to experience that grief, so suddenly grief happens unexpectedly, right? So I want you to be mindful of that. An accident may occur, and someone is quite sick, so you know what to expect, you have an expectation, a gut feeling telling you this is what is gonna happen. So you go through that grief. Then you have another level of grief that is called um a complicated grief, and that complicated grief is when grief actually lasts for a very long time. You experience this for a very long time, and it begins to what affect your daily functioning, it affects how you interact with your family, your chores, it affects what the things that you have to do, your relationship, so you see that this grief, this complicated grief that you are experiencing is even affecting your work and relationships, your families, the way you function, right? And also, you have the other type of grief that is called disenfranchised grief, and that type of grief is when society does not fully recognize the pain, the community that you are in, the society that you are in, do not comprehend that pain because they do not truly understand, for example, a miscarriage. You will never know what a mother experienced or what a woman experience when she goes through uh a miscarriage. Right? And society will not recognize that pain. Society will not recognize the pain of uh the loss of a friendship, or we may minimize that loss. Someone comes to you and say you lose a friend, someone that is closely knitted with you, and you say, It's okay, it's gonna be fine. You're giving people false hope, not knowing that you're gonna spend years to build relationships, friendships, and then you lose that friendship that may cause pain. So then also you have what we call collective grief, and then when a community grieves together after a tragedy, right, something happens in a community, a house burnt, a house, a house destroyed, a young one dies because of an accident, and he was well known for his kindness or her kindness. You lose that community grieves, right? Losing someone that is influential, a religious leader, someone that created some level of impact, right? So that is a collective grief when a group of people grieves because of uh a tragedy that happens or because of uh you know of a particular incident that happened. Right. In this case, a tragedy happens, like for example, uh you have a collect collective grieving process when uh like you have a major accident that occurs in the highway, uh a plane crash, for example. I'm just sharing those those examples. So you have that type of collective grief. And it should be noted when we talk about grief, the grief is personal. And therefore, remember this that no two persons grieve the same way. And at the time of grief, many people they hold on to their faith as a coping mechanism, right? But I want to take these few minutes that I have to share with you what some of the scriptures say about grief, because people of faith hold on to their teachings. The Christians they believe in the Old and New Testament, they Jewish brothers and sisters they hold on to the teachings of the Talmud and the Old Testament. Hindu brothers, they they believe in their scripture in terms of their uh Bhagavad Gita. Also, the Buddhists they have their sacred book in which they hold on to the uh Mapada, and the Muslims we hold on to the prophetic traditions, and most importantly, we hold on to the Quran. So, if we're to look at what the Bible actually says, just you know, to make it inclusive that the Bible, when we read the shortest verse, we say Jesus wept sense of grief. Even prophets that God has sent as a teacher, and as an example for their people, they experience grief. In the Torah, we are told that Prophet Jacob grieved deeply because of the loss of his son Joseph in the Bhagavad Gita. And allow me to share this very briefly that Arjuna experienced emotional distrust and confusion before the very battle that he fought. So various scriptures show us that grief is a part of the spiritual journey. You know, grief does not mean that we are weak, it means that we are human beings. So, in our faith as Muslims, it should be noted that Islam acknowledges grief. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessedness of God be with him, experienced grief, right? He lost his parents, he lost his children, his daughters, he lost his wife Khatijah that he loved dearly. When he lost his son in Brahmi, the Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessedness of God be with him, you know, he cried. And he said these words, he said, the eyes shed tears and the hearts feel sorrowful. But we do not say accept that which is pleasing to the divine. Also, other religious religious teachings did not prohibit crying and weeping. And in this case, Islam you know teaches us that it's it's it's natural for tears to flow from our eyes, as it flew from the eyes, flowed from the eyes of the Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of God be with him. Islam made a religion, is realistic relation religion that knows about our emotions, so therefore, it does not require for us not to feel pain.

unknown 15:10

Right?

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Islam teaches us to grieve, but with dignity and with patience. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, God Almighty Jesus with Allah Sabbath. These are beautiful Quranic verses that tell us when a calamity befalls us, we mention these parts, these works. Indeed, we belong to God, and indeed to Him we will eventually return. And this life, right? It's temporary. This is what the verse is teaching us, and that our loved ones are entrusted to us. Another verse that teaches us after hardship comes ease, and and therefore, Islam as a religion encourages us to be patient and to have sovereign to adorn ourselves with patience and perseverance. And patience, when we say patience, and God is with the those that display patience, it does patience does not mean that we should not cry. Patience does is not equivalent to not to tear or not to cry. Patience means do not lose hope. So as we continue our discussions on basically grief, right? It's important for us to discuss the various stages of grief. Right? And psychologists often describe the the stages of grief. And these stages that I will share with you, I want to say it will always, it will not always be in order. People may move back and forth between each one of these stages. And the first stage we want to highlight is the stage of denial. When something happens to you and you experience that grief, you do not want to accept it. We may say, this cannot happen, this is not real. And when we deny something, what we're actually trying to do is to protect our hearts from shock. When we're attached to someone and something happens, we we want to somehow tell our minds or communicate to our minds that this does not did not happen. It's not happened, it has not happened. So you're in the state of denial, and when you denial, as you say, what you're doing, as I say, what you're trying to do is to protect the heart from shock. And then a particular stage of grief in this anger as well, right? And when something happens, that we start to project this anger. It's either you project the anger to someone and start to blame others rather than looking at yourself. Basically, you start to feel angry towards life, towards your very life, towards others, towards the doctors, towards family, even towards the divine, towards God. So, uh example, you're grieving because uh you have lost a child. So you start to question why did God give you a child, and just after a month, you were attached to it before that month, and after a month you lose that child. So you become angry and upset with God. You start to project that anger to the doctors because you're saying the doctors did not do sufficient. You think that someone could have helped, the doctors could have helped. They did not do enough, and you're gonna say that you will project that anger. You will probably project the anger on yourself. Because you may probably think uh because of certain uh practices of yours, certain things that you have done, you did not do enough to ensure that the baby is safe or or something of that nature, right? So, anger. So anger is a part of the very pain that we experience. And I want you to remember these things, right? Be mindful of that. When I say to you, anger is a part of pain, but do not allow that anger during that moment of pain to overcome you, to make uh to make erectional decisions, right? The other stage of anger is bargaining, right? And bargaining is when you say, if only I did this differently, if only I had more time, if only I have done so and so. You so you you start bargaining, so to speak, right? You start to bargain. And another way to look at bargaining as well is is the siege of grief. It's like you know that you're gonna lose someone dear to you, you're gonna lose a child, you're gonna lose a partner, you're gonna lose a friend, you're gonna lose a job. You may be diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and you may lose a limb, losing a part of you and you're griefing, and you start bargaining. Trying to say to your family, I'll do this only if I've done this. Also, you try to bargain with God, and you say to God, for example, that if you give me an exchance, I will do X, Y, and Z. So you're you start to think differently and say things to yourself and try to negotiate with yourself and negotiate with God, and then you go through the stage. of of depression. And when you go through that stage, it's it's difficult. And there's no time frame for any of these stages, right? Especially with depression. When you're depressed you become very sad. Deeply sad. You will lose motivation. You're not motivated to do anything. You feel as if you're emptied from inside there's a feeling of emptiness. And when you're in this stage it can be a prolonged stage. And you may need professional help. Recognize that if this is happening to someone that is dear to you your child your husband your partner because you never know when someone is griefing and they're going through these stages they're angry all the time upset all the time and you want to know what's going on. And that anger may come from because of something is going on them emotionally. Right. Someone behaving a little bit weird maybe they're in that bargaining stage right and then the acceptance and I must say acceptance does not mean we no longer we're no longer sad or that person is no longer sad but it means that the person learns to live with that reality the reality of what has occurred to them. So I'll say this right as we discuss about grief and talk about grief I'll say grief does not mean forgetting healing means learning to carry the memory the memories that you have with strength so as we continue our discussion allow me to take a moment and share some examples of grief right here are some examples think of a mother a mother who has lost a child may feel that a part of her heart is the sin and she may experience a prolonged moment of grief. It may take a while for her to accept that she she has her child her child no longer with her this world. What's going on a father for example may feel pressure to be strong or may not express emotions openly because he's supposed the fathers are they're supposed to basic to to take on the responsibility and that father may feel pressure pressured by their partner pressure by their you know pressured by their kids pressured by family members pressured by expectations that people may have expectations that he set for himself and feel pressured feel pressured to be strong and may not express his emotions openly that may cause him to to go through that grief. A sibling may feel confused because of issues he or she may have with other siblings that's that may be an issue. Some people become very quiet some people cry often some people focus on work some people withdraw so I'll say there is no one correct way to grieve grief is not a straight line it comes in waves ups and downs some days you feel that it's something that is manageable some days you feel that it's very overwhelming and as a chapter in life I have met many individuals that experience grief and why we want to ask them why copen mechanism why am I speaking about coping mechanism I'll say close to a decade I've been working and volunteering in the hospital setting and providing spiritual emotional care for patients as they're actively dying and also patients that are griefing family members that are griefing. And I see how difficult and challenging challenging it is in the hospital setting and in the community setting in homes and within family members and if only our communities and others they know how important it is to help someone when they experience this grief and recognize what they're experiencing so that you may be able to help them and not to dismiss anyone right I think things would be better families would be better to be able to cope differently and very passionate about uh uh about helping people to cope when when life shows a car ball at them I always say that when someone is grieving that we should be able to lend our shoulder for them to lean on because one day you may need a shoulder to lean on as well so always remember that so as a chaplain I have met many individuals that I experienced grief and you know sometimes you interact with people and they will say you know I feel like no one understands my pain right sometimes you feel that way that nobody understands you and I'll say as a life coach remember these I'll share with you these points remember these gentle steps allow yourself to feel that's one do not dismiss your feelings but do not allow your feelings take you to that point where you will make decisions that will not benefit you. Also to speak to someone that you trust someone that you trust and that will not take what you share with them outside and that it will treat what you say in confidence write your thoughts turn to God write your thoughts document your thoughts and make supplication and turn to God of your physical body and do not isolate yourself completely remember those very basic advice advices when you are grieved a reflection that I often share would be grief is like carrying a heavy stone and at one point that stone feels impossible for you to carry yeah over time that stone does not become lighter but the heart becomes stronger and remember that healing does not mean that the wound disappears healing means that the wound no longer control your life and I'll say understand faith and meaning sometimes people ask why does God allow pain we may not always understand that but we can find meaning through compassion we can find meaning through patience and connection sometimes grief helps us become more understanding of others and it softens our hearts sometimes grief brings people closer to faith and when we experience pain that pain can become purpose when we help others to heal and in closing allow me to share these words that if you're griefing today know that you are not alone your pain is seen your tears are understood your grief is not the ending of your story take one day at a time be gentle to yourself seek support and turn to your faith rely on your faith and allow healing to happen in a gradual way God grant comfort to every grief and heart may God grant patience to every family experiencing loss may almighty grant peace to those who have returned to him and I want to take this opportunity in thanking all of you for listening to today's episode of SV Life Institute podcast and kindly subscribe and share and most importantly listen listen to this very important discourse share it with your family share it with your friends reflect on what is said click the subscribe button and that will be greatly appreciated may God be with you peace and love and your most self reflectus saying goodbye