Behind the Smile: The Silent Struggles People Carry | Episode 8

In this deeply personal and emotional final episode of the Coping Mechanisms series, Safraz Bacchus speaks heart-to-heart about the silent battles so many people carry every day.

Behind smiles, success, strength, and routine, countless individuals are struggling with grief, trauma, anxiety, loneliness, depression, spiritual emptiness, and emotional exhaustion. This episode explores the reality that everyone is coping with something — often in silence.

Drawing from experiences as an Imam, Chaplain, life coach, and community leader, Safraz reflects on healing, faith, emotional health, therapy, the lingering trauma of COVID-19, and the importance of compassion in a hurting world.

Transcript

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Peace and love, everyone. Welcome to SB Life Institute Podcast, where we inspire, where we serve, and we build. I'll say that today is a very emotional day for me. Because this is the final episode in our series of Copen Mechanism. And honestly, this is coming from my heart. I have learned something through these conversations. People are heartened more than they appear. Some people smile publicly, but when they're in isolation, when they're in private, they cry and they weep. Some people function normally while silently. What happens, they fall apart. They fall apart internally. And I know that some are carrying childhood wounds. The trauma from their childhood, they are still carrying it. Grief, loneliness, betrayal, anxiety as well, depression, trauma, disappointment. And I will also say spiritual emptiness. And there are so many people around them, and nobody around them truly sees it. And yet people wake up every day. They wake up every day and they try. That itself, that itself is what I consider to be strength. And we should recognize it for what it is. Today I just want to speak heart to heart with all of you. No performance, no pretending. Just as I always love to do is to have an honest conversation about healing and about survival, and about the human spirit. Do you know that one of the greatest lessons that I have learned as a spiritual leader and as an imam, as a chaplain, and as a life coach, I'll say is that everyone, every person, everybody is coping with something. The wealthy person is coping, the poor person is coping. Individuals that are married are coping. Single people, they are also coping. Religious people are also coping with challenges and hardship. Young people are coping with challenges that they are facing at that particular age. And even the person always motivate others, that individual that spend their time motivating others may secretly, despite his mission, may secretly be exhausted and challenging for him. Sometimes what happens is that we look at people and we assume things. We assume we have our own biases, we have our own assumptions, and they have it together. That's what we may say. We may assume, and we look at someone, we say, you know what, they have it together. No, not at all. Many people are simply managing the pain that they experience, the hardship that they experience, the betrayal that they experience, the health crisis that they experience, they go through all of that silently. I once sat with a patient in the hospital room. And people actually know him as successful, strong, knowing him as confident, but he looked at me and said, Sheikh, I don't know how much longer I can carry this pressure. And that moment taught me something powerful. What is it? Be mindful of this. A strong appearance does not always mean a strong heart. May have a weak heart, but his appearance is strong. Many people out there that they're emotionally exhausted, they're tired, and because so society teaches people something that is not good, and that is that they should hide their emotions that is weak to manifest your emotions, to show your emotions. Many people suffer alone, especially that they are men that is suffering alone. Men are often taught, don't cry, be tough, man up. But when we consider why some people explode emotionally later on, through anger, through their addictions, through violence, withdrawal, or even emotional numbness. Human beings were never created to carry their emotional pain alone, or to carry pain alone. And you know, one of the most important things that we have discussed in these series is that not all coping mechanisms are healthy. We emphasize that point. We highlighted, we echo it multiple times. Some people heal, some people escape. There is a difference. When we say or utter the word or the phrase healthy coping, we'll say that healthy coping helps you to process the pain that you experience. Unhealthy coping also distract you temporarily. That's a key thing to remember. And let me cite an example as we are discussing this, or we're reflecting on our discussion. Person dealing with stress. You're dealing with stress. You pray, you exercise, you take a moment to journal and to write down so that you may be able to feel better and reflect on what you're going through. You may seek therapy. Talk to people that you trust, trusted people, reconnect with the Almighty or the Divine. You rest properly. But all of those are actually healthy outlets. But you know what? The other people may cope through alcohol, they may cope through drugs, toxic relationships, isolation, gambling, pornography, anger, emotional shutdown, overspending, or constantly pretending to be okay. I'm okay. But in reality, they're not. The problem is temporary escape eventually become your permanent presence. Pain ignored is pain delayed. Pain ignored is pain delayed. Remember that. Eventually it resurfaces, eventually, it comes back on top of the list. I often will say that what you refuse to heal from, you eventually bleed onto others. And this is why healing does matter. This is why it's important to heal, not just for you, but for your family, for your sanity of those around you, your marriage, your children, your community. Let me share something simple. Right? Very simple. Imagine a person carrying water in a cracked cup. You have a cup, right? And imagine that this cup is cracked. Right? It's cracked. And you're trying to take the water and you're pouring it into this cup and it's cracked. Right? And as you try to pour the water into that cracked cup every day, they keep pouring into others, serving others, helping others, but internally they're leaking emotionally. When you're trying to pour water in that cup, it's leaking. It will definitely leak. It can't hold anything. So, therefore, when you look at that, that every day that person keeps pouring into others, serving others, helping others, but internally they're leaking emotionally, just like the crack cup. Eventually, what happens is that it becomes empty. Because from the crack cup, the water starts seeping out, and when you look in, while the cup may hold, but it's seeping out, after a time it becomes empty. And this happened to many people who are caregivers, right? People who are like parents, religious leaders, people who advocate for community, community advocates, healthcare workers, chaplains, people constantly pouring from a soul that is quite exhausted. And sometimes a healer needs healing too. As you are trying to heal others, you also are impacted. So you also need healing, and sometimes we fail to understand that, or that person may not understand that. Every spiritual person becomes emotionally tired, even people with faith struggle in their own way, and this is important. Faith does not remove humanity. The Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of Allah be with him, cried like many other prophets. Prophet Yaqub cried until he lost his eyesight from grief. Think about that. Was his grief a rejection of God? Prophet Muhammad buried children. He experienced loss, pain, rejection, loneliness, but yet Allah put his trust in. And that by itself teaches us something quite profound. That when a person experience and feels pain emotionally, that does not make you weak spiritually. It does not. You know, let's take a moment and think about the pandemic, right? Many people actually never fully recovered emotionally after the COVID. People they lost their parents. They lost their parents and they always remember them. Their children, their jobs, their businesses, bankrupt, friendship. Still trying to overcome the mental issues that they developed because of the COVID. So there was no stability, mental stability, they lost that. And many people weren't able, they were not able to process their grief. So from the COVID, I know for a fact that people become became sorry emotionally disconnected. Others became angry at the very world in which they live in, right? Some lost their faith in humanity because there were many people who tried to profit from the very pandemic. They lost their humanity. And some people are still carrying silent trauma after so many years. And as a chaplain, healthcare chaplain, I witnessed heartbreaking moments. People dying alone, families saying goodbye through phones, funerals with limited attendance. People unable to hug their loved ones that are grieving to comfort them. But you know what? Human beings were not created for isolation. This is why many people today still feel, as I say, emotionally exhausted, even if life appears normal again. So one of the most dangerous things in life is to suffer silently. The person laughing the loudest maybe fight in darkness privately. This is why kindness matters. It's important for us to be kind, it's important for us to show compassion. It's important for us to somehow, you know, show love and care. You never know what somebody is carrying. So the simple message will be, brothers and dear listeners and sisters as well, a phone call. Pick up your phone, send a text. Do not call people only when you need something. Do not expect, oh you know, they know that I love them. I don't have time. I'm busy. Everybody is busy, and I hear that all the time. Right? A phone call. A sincere, how are you doing today? How is everything? That can save someone emotionally. I remember once asking someone, how are you? And they immediately broke down crying. By just asking them how they're doing, how is your day? How is everything? Because they were taken back that someone is taking the time to ask them how they're doing. This is the world we live in in. Not because life suddenly became hard, but because nobody has sincerely asked them in a very long time how they're doing. So when you take the moment and ask them how they're doing, left an impact on them. People want to feel seen, people want to feel valued, people want to somehow feel better. They want a safe space where they can talk and express themselves without anybody pointing their fingers or judging them. It's important when someone comes to you and say, X, Y, and Z, you should tell yourself that this is a safe space. Whatever this person is saying to me, it's not for no one's ears, it's for me alone. So people want that safe space without judging them, anyone judging them. And honestly, this is one of the reasons. You know, I started SB Life Institute podcast to create conversations. Conversation where people are afraid to have publicly because they need that help. I believe in conversation. I believe in, you know, having dialogue. You know, uh let me say this, right? And honestly, it's important, you know, like Foster to reflect on this as we're concluding the the episode as well. That faith, remember that, right? Faith is one of the greatest. Coping mechanism when we understand it correctly, not fake spirituality, not pretending pain doesn't exist when someone comes to you and cries, oh, I lost this, this is what happens, and you dismiss them. Why are you crying? You're very insultive, dismissive. That's not good. That's not good. The type of faith that allows you to cry and trust in God is the real faith. The type of faith that says, I do not understand this pain, but I still believe that there is a wisdom somewhere. And that wisdom will be open, you know, will make itself visible to me one day. I believe that there is a wisdom somewhere, and it will be known to me one day. Prayer heals, Quran heals, dhikr heals, prayer heals. Recitation of the divine words of God heals. Chant in the name of God with reflection heals. Postration as a Muslim heals in humility. It does not happen overnight in a magical way. No, but it gradually will help. You it will gradually help you spiritually and internally. Right? And admitting, and admitting, Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, O Most Merciful Lord. I cannot carry this alone. Sometimes people think spirituality means perfection. No, it does not. Spirituality means that you return back to God, you return back to the divine one time after the next. Returning back to Allah or to the Almighty repeatedly today, tomorrow, the day after. So remember what real spirituality is and how it helps. I'll say these words. I'll say them. I'll say this. And it's important for me to say this. It's important for us to be mindful of this. Stop mocking therapy and emotional health. Stop trying to tell people it's a waste of time to have a therapist or to get emotional help. There should be no shame in therapy, no shame in counseling, and no shame in asking for support emotionally. If your body is sick, what do you do? What do you do? You go to the doctor for medical help. And if your heart becomes emotionally overwhelmed, why shouldn't you feel shame and go in and ask for help? Unfortunately, in many societies and communities, people suffer silently because they fear that people will judge them. And this must change. We must change this. We must change this. Seeking help is not a sign that you're weak. It's wisdom. Can I ask you something? Right? Think about the people who help you survive difficult moments in your life. Sometimes one sincere person changes everything. A mother's dua, a father's sacrifice, a teacher's encouragement, a friend's support, the patience of a spouse, mentor, mentor's guidance. Never ever underestimate the presence of a sincere human being and how that could impact you. Sometimes people don't need solutions. Sometimes they simply need someone to sit beside them in their painful moment, and that helps. We live in a generation addicted to instant results. We want to have instant results, instant success, instant happiness, instant healing. But healing takes time. A wound cannot heal if it constantly reopened. Some people rush healing externally while they're still bleeding within them, inside of them. Please understand this that you do not have to rush your healing journey. Take your time, cry if needed, rest if needed, reconnect yourself, reconnect with the divine, reconnect with purpose, but do not abandon yourself. You know what amazes me most about human beings is the ability to survive. We have that ability to survive. Whenever we're in a jam, we have the capacity to pierce through that, right? People survive heartbreaks, loss, war, abuse, we survive illness, grief, we survive depression, we survive trauma. And somehow the human spirit still searches for light. That itself is a miracle. It's a miracle, and maybe that is why hope is sacred. Because hope says my current pain is not my final destination. And in closing, I want to say this as we conclude the series, I want to leave you with these thoughts. Be kinder to people, be kind with people. Many are fighting battles privately. So be kind to them. Be kinder to yourself as well. Because you know what? You are healing while surviving life. And please remember this. You are strong, you are macho. At least that's how you want to present yourself, that strong people also break. Even strong hearts need rest. Even people of faith cries. Even healers need healing. And if some if and and if nobody told you recently, I'll say that I pray that your heart finds peace. I pray that your burdens become lighter, and I pray your wounds become sources of wisdom. And I pray that the divine sends people in your life who genuinely care for your soul. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey. Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing these conversations to exist. This is Safir's Bacchus. And this is SB Life Institute Podcast. Inspire Servant Bill. Please stay tuned for upcoming episodes and series of other subject areas. We'll keep you updated and kindly take a moment and listen to the series. Share it with your friends. Share it with your families. Share it with your neighbors. Share it with your co-workers. Because you know what? You never know by simply sharing this, how you could able, how you would able to help someone. How much by sharing this to them, be able to help. So kindly subscribe SB Life Institute Podcast. On YouTube, I am Safra's Bacchus Life Institute and also Spotify and Apple Podcast. Thank you and have a blessed and beautiful day. Love you all. Peace and love.