3. Would you REMARRY your EX for $100 million dollars?

The response to my December 4th Instagram Reel, was a LOUD NO!!!!!  This episode discusses why we wouldn't go back.  It also includes looking into the mirror and seeing how we may have contributed to the failed relationship.  If we don't reflect and own our role, we are apt to repeat the pattern.  

For additional resources: https://www.rhondamorales.com

https://www.rhondamorales.com/workshop

Transcript

Speaker 0:04

You're listening to the Forget People Pleasing Show, where we're talking about the habit and the coping mechanism of people pleasing and the pain that it creates in us. I'm Rhonda Morales, therapist and emotional skills coach, and a people pleaser in recovery too. So I get it. Today we're talking about a reel that I posted December 4th that went viral and is still being shared and commented on. It really struck a nerve. Here's the reel: you get $100 million, but you have to remarry your ex. What would you do? Did you have an immediate answer? Or are you still thinking about it? The video shows someone lighting a bundle of money and tossing it on top of the $100 million. So when I shared this reel, the reactions were immediate and overwhelming. Very strong comments. Many said things like, No amount of money is worth my peace. I'd rather be broke. I'd light the money on fire myself, hard pass, burn it all. And then, of course, some were scheming on how they could remarry and somehow keep the money anyway. But that evades the point, doesn't it? The question asks, would you go back to that relationship? Some, based on their comments, apparently didn't want the divorce and said yes in a heartbeat. The vast majority, however, answered with a very clear no. Let's look into all those loud no's. At the end of that reel, I wrote, God wants us to love one another. I wish him well, but from a distance. And sometimes loving someone best is indeed from a distance, not under the same roof, not in the same daily space, not in the same emotional, unhealthy dance. Especially after being mistreated or after mistreating each other. Because when hurt and resentment build over time, they don't create closeness, of course. They create walls, walls that protect us from further harm and that doesn't allow love to flow freely anymore. And that doesn't mean that there's no love. It means that the relationship has been damaged beyond what feels safe to be vulnerable. We guard our hearts and limit access. As Christians, the Bible gives us a clear picture of love in 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 through 7. Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. So let me ask Did you express that kind of love in your relationship? Did you receive that kind of love in your relationship? If that were the case, then you probably didn't experience the divorce. And what I'd also like to ask is if you did have an end of a relationship, then did you see that kind of love, the first Corinthians kind of love, while you were dating? So to be very honest with you and transparent, I'm not close to being Jesus. And I failed horribly at giving my ex God's definition of love. And I promise you, I wanted to receive that kind of love, though. So that's what we want to receive. But are we able to give it out? Are we willing to give it out? When I got married, I really didn't know the Jesus kind of love. I was emotionally immature. And I don't know your situation and why you may have a hard no to the money question, but I'll tell you that even though I wouldn't remarry my ex, I am quite sure he wouldn't remarry me either. And owning our side of the street is important, not for shame, but for emotional and spiritual growth. It is so much easier and convenient to blame the other person and not take any ownership of what went wrong. But if we don't examine and we don't take ownership of our contribution, then we're more likely to repeat the pattern. Our failed relationships can actually reveal, if we're willing to look, that we still have some growing up to do. Don't we all do we we don't? It's a rhetorical question. I was going to ask, do we ever reach emotional or spiritual maturity? I think there's always room to grow. What do you think? So the truth is, healthy relationships don't look like Disney movies or the Hallmark Channel for that matter. Fantasy relationships are what get many of us into trouble. And most of us were never emotionally equipped to reconcile the Disney version of love with the real version of love. Which brings us back to the question behind the money. It's really not about the money, is it? Why does the thought, though, of going back feel unbearable even for a fortune? Well, our minds know the answer, and our memories remember, and our bodies remember. You remember how you felt, and you remember who you had to become to survive that relationship. Maybe you remember shrinking, not being who God made you to be, overexplaining, hoping to finally be understood, walking on eggshells, giving more and receiving very little, questioning your worth, ha, maybe even questioning your sanity. Hello, my narcissist abuse survivors, and carrying the mental load of the whole household instead of being able to share it with your partner. That painful relationship taught us three things. Number one, we have limits to the behaviors that we will accept. Number two, we have our value in God. And number three, it taught us that to seek relationships that are respectful, mutual, and safe enough for love to flow both ways. Love, as modeled by Jesus, is reciprocal. So let's ask a few deeper questions about this real and all these loud hard no's, including mine. How did people pleasing draw you into that relationship in the first place? Do you tend to pick projects? I know I did. Do you fall in love with the potential, not what's being presented in front of you? Any of those resonate with my listeners today? And how did people pleasing keep you there for so long? Some common people pleasing habits that keep women stuck in these relationships are trying harder instead of asking for what you need, maybe even creating a boundary and a consequence for violating that boundary. Also tolerating behaviors that are emotionally or verbally abusive, staying quiet to keep the peace, like don't poke the bear. Helping and praying someone would change when we can only change ourselves. We know that factually, but we still do try, don't we? Knowing our worth in God and healing changes what we're willing to accept. Many women have been conditioned to accept crumbs because crumbs feel better than nothing at all. But let me say this very clearly: you deserve the whole muffin. Let's put some blueberries on top. And it's your responsibility to vet someone long enough, thoughtfully and intentionally, to have evidence that you're getting the whole muffin. Not a grown man with a teenager's level of emotional maturity looking for a mom. Anyone out there that's had one of those, I gotta say, you picked up. I also want to make sure that I make this part clear. There are master manipulators out there, and despite our best efforts, we can end up with partners who aren't who they presented themselves to be. Some assistance in this department would be the feedback from friends and family, and observing them in a variety of social settings. Being able to communicate, to talk about some hard, difficult topics, and are you able to resolve problems together? Making a decision from contentment in who you are rather than needing someone in your life can help keeping help can help keep you from making a desperate choice with huge consequences. We'll dive into this real topic in another episode. So going back to our value in God, then once we've claimed our value in Christ and we've grown emotionally and spiritually, there's no way we'd go back, not even for a hundred million dollars. Jesus said, Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. That's John 14, 27. And folks, peace is priceless, isn't it? Another important angle to explore is this. Sometimes Mary, for all the wrong reasons. For example, their looks, their status, how they can provide for you, great sex, and chemistry. But let's look again at God's description of love in First Corinthians. And does he treat you, does he love you that way? And let me let's just remember that we are also called to love with that same First Corinthians definition. It goes both ways. Another important angle to explore is what felt familiar about him to me. How many times have you heard, maybe even you said it yourself, I married my mom, or oh my gosh, I married my dad? We choose partners until we know better based on what feels familiar to our nervous system, based on how we were conditioned. So ask yourself, what was I taught about love? How did I see love modeled in my childhood home? That has a lot to do with who we're drawn to and who's drawn to us. If we prioritize image, power, or money, we will be prioritizing the wrong traits. Asking these brave questions and taking the time to explore them will create little stepping stones to help us grow wiser and love better. We learn who we are more deeply, what we need and don't need in a relationship. We learn that we are never alone, that we are complete as daughters of God. We begin to envision the women we are becoming. And with that woman in mind, we can ask what kind of relationship would honor her? What kind of relationship honors God? I'm cheering you on to become all God has created you to be, to live in your purpose with joy and to bring glory to Him in all your relationships. Let's remember God's promise in 1 John 9. If we admit our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us. Let's burn that money and move forward. No looking back. We have been forgiven. Move into making wiser choices and living a more joyful, peaceful life. If you're ready to go deeper into understanding why you people please, I invite you to sign up for my free one hour workshop. It's called the Cost of People Pleasing what it's really costing you, and how to start letting it go. The link is in the show notes. I'll see you next time. https://www.rhondamorales.com

Speaker 14:14

https://www.rhondamorales.com/workshop