5. The Fears That Keep People Pleasing Alive

What would your life look like if it stopped revolving around keeping everyone else happy?

And here’s how I define the people pleasing habit:

People pleasing is when you prioritize making others happy, satisfied, or pleased with you—at the expense of staying true to who you are, who God has called you to be, and what He’s called you to do.

This episode talks about many fears that keep us leaning on the people pleasing habit so we feel emotionally safe.  We talk about steps to start disrupting the habit and that God has given us a spirit of power, not fear (2 Timothy 1:7).

When we stop being led by the fear of people’s opinions, we’re free to live the abundant life Christ died for us to have.

For more resources go to https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

Speaker: 0:10

Welcome back to the Forget People Pleasing Show. Today we're talking about the fears that keep people pleasing alive and how to face them so you can live from your identity, which is in Christ. Let me ask you something that might land deep. What would your life look like if you stopped revolving around keeping everyone else happy? A change in your schedule, your energy, your relationships, and how about your sense of peace? Because a lot of us are living like our job is to manage other people's comfort. And if you've ever said yes while your whole body was saying no, you're not alone. And I know you all have, and I have too. And today we're going to talk about the fears that grip us and falsely validate the people-pleasing habit, why it forms, what it costs, and what it looks like to unlearn it and step into emotional freedom and our identity in Christ. At its core, people pleasing is often about wanting to feel accepted by others and avoiding the discomfort of rejection. Nobody wants to stand in those lines, right? Many people pleasers fear that if they don't concede to the needs and desires of others, they will be rejected or abandoned. Here's how I define it. People pleasing is when you chronically prioritize making others happy, satisfied, or pleased with you at the expense of staying true to who you are, who God has called you to be, and what he's called you to do. That's the key. It's not just about being nice, it's about losing yourself slowly, chronically, to keep the peace. So Galatians 1.10 talks about the approval of man versus approval of God. Paul says something that is both freeing and challenging. For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. And that is a really strong scripture. Paul's words show us this that you can orient your life around pleasing people or pleasing God, but you have to pick. You can't do both, otherwise, you're going to feel torn and conflicted, which many of you I know do. You have that inner tension on the inside when you appease. People pleasing becomes a way of life when we root our value in what others think of us. The underlying fear behind a lot of people pleasing is what scripture calls fear of man. And fear shows up in different disguises. The same fear, but think of it as different costumes. Fear dresses up like I'm just being helpful. I'm just being loving. But under the costume is often the same thing. If I don't do this, I won't be loved. I won't be safe. I won't be accepted. Where does this start for many of us? The roots of people pleasing stretch back to childhood. If being good or helpful earned love, emotional safety, or approval, then people pleasing wasn't just a habit. It was a strategy. Let me tell you a story from the therapy room. I worked with a client who loved playing soccer. He loved the sport and he loved being with his team. But what happened after the game shaped him more than the actual game itself. On the car ride home, he might get praise. If he happened to perform well, he got lathered with praise. But if he didn't play well, if he missed a shot, made a mistake, just didn't perform to the parents' expectation, he was verbally berated. And sometimes it wasn't just yelling, sometimes it was worse, the cold shoulder. The parents would withdraw and the atmosphere would turn icy. And it would stay that way until the parents just air quote got over it. So can you imagine what that teaches a child? It teaches my value is connected to my performance. Love is conditional. I'm safe when I do it right. That's where my perfectionists fall. I earn connection by being impressive. And so what happens later? That child grows up and becomes an adult who thinks if I don't do enough, if I'm not perfect, if I disappoint you, you'll pull away. That's what he was taught in childhood, right? And then people pleasing becomes a way to keep love close and rejection far. What helped a child survive emotionally can quietly sabotage an adult's peace. People pleasers aren't just too nice, they're often hyper-aware. And I can really relate to this. I can read a room really well. They're attuned to tone shifts, facial expressions, and mood changes because at some point in life, reading the room kept them safe. They learn to prioritize other people's feelings over their own. And that can make you incredibly empathic, but also incredibly exhausted because your nervous system is always on duty. People pleasing might look harmless at first, but over time it carries real consequences: emotional exhaustion, constantly prioritizing others, which leaves very little energy for yourself. And you lose yourself, you lose touch with your own needs, desires, and identity. The resentment, it starts to grow. You feel bitter towards the very people you're trying to please. And then there's the strained relationships that often happen because when you're not honest, it creates imbalance and confusion. Resentment is often the signal that you have been self-abandoning. Resentment is your inner world saying, you keep leaving me. So I want to share a transparent moment from my own life because, as I have already confessed, I am a people pleaser in recovery, right along with you. There was a season when I accepted low effort friendships because I was afraid of being alone. I tolerated relationships where I was doing all the reaching out. Sound familiar? Doing the checking in, doing the emotional labor, because being alone felt like a failure. But here's what I learned the hard way: being lonely with Jesus is far more peaceful and spirit-building than being with friends who aren't really friends. Because there's a loneliness that hurts, and then there's a loneliness that heals. And in that time where I was choosing to walk away from meaningless friendships and deepen my relationship with Jesus, there was a lot of healing. There was a lot of love and presence that I felt. And it built me up to where I'm no longer afraid of being alone. I'm not ever alone because of that time. And sometimes being alone is not rejection. Sometimes it's protection. Does that land for anybody? When I stopped chasing connection that required me to shrink, perform, or overgive, I felt grief at first. Yes, I felt grief. I felt lonely, but I also felt something else: peace and clarity. And I redesigned my definition, my criteria for what a good friend is to me. It's certainly reciprocal where I'm not doing all the heavy lifting. The other person is doing some lifting too. And so no more am I willing to scramble for crumbs. I had to admit that some of those friendships were basically me doing all the work and calling it air quote friendship. So that taught me a really good lesson to update my definition of what a healthy reciprocal friendship looks like. What is that criteria? And I would ask that for you. What is that criteria for you in a friendship? So let's talk about the church layer. In some church cultures, people pleasers are viewed as good volunteers because they're easy to control and guilt trip. They always show up. And it just, you know, you've you've probably seen that it doesn't take much. It just takes the tiny little ass, and boom, they're there. They can be, there can be a fear of being judged, a fear of losing the good woman label. And even this internal belief. Making everyone else happy is how I demonstrate my love for God. And I want to circle back to that losing the good woman label. That can be applied to, I don't want to lose my perfect daughter label, my awesome neighbor label. It can apply to any type of social dynamic. We we give ourselves the label that that we're so good because we do all this people pleasing. Is it true? Many women have been conditioned to believe that that's true, and that putting others at the expense of their own well-being, again, on a chronic basis, is the ultimate mark of being a good Christian woman. But we have to be careful. Selflessness is not self-erasure. Sometimes what we call being Christ-like is actually fear wearing one of those spiritual costumes. Jesus gives us the order in Matthew 22, 37: love the Lord your God with all your heart. So love God first and then love others. When we reverse that order, we end up living for people's approval. And that approval becomes our idol. People pleasing could actually be an idol, folks. When we gain our value from, again, that good Christian woman label or that awesome neighbor label that becomes our idol. The more we align ourselves with God's truth, the weaker the lies of people pleasing become. And this verse is powerful. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. That's 2 Timothy 1 7. Power means agency, choice, strength to live from conviction, not anxiety. Love means you can love others without losing yourself. And a sound mind means clarity, wisdom, discernment, and peace. When we stop being led by the fear of people's opinions, we're free to live the abundant life that Christ died for us to have. So how to stop being everyone's emotional support human? Now we'll talk about. Have you ever heard of that term, emotional support human? We know we have emotional support animals, but maybe somebody is out there. Oh my gosh, I think that's me. Well, if you're an emotional support human, here's your tendencies to absorb other people's emotions, manage their moods, fix problems that aren't yours, say yes automatically, feel responsible for keeping everyone okay. So here's a few ways to start unlearning how to be an emotional support human. Recognize the pattern. Notice when you're doing it, especially when your body feels tight or rushed, maybe flushed, anxious, or possibly guilty. Check in with yourself. Find a pattern when you're set, you basically you're saying yes when your body is likely trying to say no, not this time. Number two, name the fear under the behavior. Ask what am I afraid will happen if I don't do this? This is where healing begins in the truth telling. And then number three, practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. People pleasing is often a survival habit. You didn't become this way because you're weak. You adapted. It's a survival mechanism. And number four, reconnect with your needs. Ask what do I need? What do I want? What matters to me? People pleasing disconnects you from yourself, and healing reconnects you back together again. And then number five, start using simple language. I can't commit to that. I'm not available. Let me check my calendar. That's just a very convenient pause. Let me check my calendar. That doesn't work for me. Thank you for the invite anyway. Simple little responses like that to replace that automatic yes. You're allowed to be kind and still be unavailable. So, what is the reward for practicing some of these new skills and letting go of people pleasing? And this is the part that I really want you to hear. I want you to be encouraged by this. When you stop being an emotional support human, a few incredible things happen. You discover who you really are. How many out there? You don't have to raise your hands, wonder who am I really? Have you ever asked? I or have you ever said, I really don't know who I am? It's very common. So you discover who you really are. Not who you had to be to be accepted, but who you actually are. You build relationships based on mutual respect, not the performance, the endless giving. You stop auditioning and you start really connecting. You also can reclaim your energy and use it for things that actually matter to you, like your health, your calling, your peace, your relationships, your fun stuff. Breaking free from people pleasing is not easy. I am not going to pull your leg and say there's five easy steps to unlearn people pleasing. That would definitely be false. And I would never want to set you up for something so unrealistic. It is a heavy lift because how long have you been doing it? And that habit that you've been doing for a long time, that habit that you've been doing for a long time is going to take some time to replace. So be compassionate with yourself and just remember the benefits that I just read to you are on the other side. And you deserve a life that is yours, a life that's aligned with God, a life where your yeses are honest, a life where your no is a peaceful no, not a litany of excuses and apologies. And a life where your worth is settled. Your worth has already been settled. God has already determined your worth. So I'm going to close with this. People pleasing loses its power in the presence of God because God doesn't love you for your performance. So what I want you to do is reflect on this one question as we finish. What would your life look like if it stopped revolving around keeping everyone else happy? I'm offering a free workshop called What's People Pleasing Costing You? And you can find the registration link for that in the show notes. See you next time. For more resources go to: https://www.rhondamorales.com