6. Why Your "NO" Feels Scary -- And What To Do Next

Big feelings like FEAR, GUILT, DOUBT, and ANXIETY come up when we disrupt the People Pleasing habit.  Those feelings can have us back tracking into people pleasing if we aren't expecting them and we don't know what to do with them.   This episode walks you through an "Emergency Kit" so you can keep moving forward into emotional freedom and your authentic self as you PRACTICE new skills.  

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Transcript

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Today, we're talking about how scary it feels to practice new behaviors instead of people pleasing. Fear will be part of this new practice of saying no, not seeking approval or permission. Let's normalize this. In most new things that you try, isn't there some fear? Think about that. What's a new thing that you've tried recently? Was there some fear that you had to push through? I recently went to the gym for the first time in months and took a Pilates class. I taught fitness classes at this gym for over 14 years, and I still had to wrestle with some of those thought gremlins on my way to the class. By the way, I am super proud of myself for going and starting a new habit. And the experience was extremely positive. My point is, as many times that I have been to that gym and taught classes, I still had to fight through some of my own fear gremlins to get back into routine. So why is that? People pleasing has been a safety strategy. So changing it will feel like stepping out of our armor. Of course, it feels uncomfortable. Your nervous system learned that pleasing equals safety. So when you change the pattern, your alarm system goes off. That alarm is old data. You're teaching your body a new truth that you can survive saying no, not seeking approval or permission, or creating a boundary. So let's talk about what often comes up in our feelings when we practice this new behavior. It's guilt. Guilt often comes up that I want to make a huge differentiation between true guilt versus false guilt. We often feel the false guilt. But let's start with what is true guilt? That means I did something that violated my boundaries. For example, I feel guilty for stealing the candy bar at Walmart. Well, of course I should feel guilty for that. I I my value system doesn't include stealing. Or I feel guilty for lying to my neighbor or gossiping about my friend. Those are not in my value system. So when I violate my boundaries, conviction, God's conviction comes into my heart and I feel the true guilt, which then would require some amends or repair. Now let's talk about false guilt. And that means it's still a feeling and it's still strong, but it's not something that's incongruent with your value system. False guilt is a big emotion, and it comes up when we didn't meet someone else's expectations, like maybe meeting them at their time schedule or agreeing to go to an event that's really not aligned with what we like or aligned with our value system. So let's do a little check. Guilt isn't proof you did something wrong, it's often proof you did something new. So let's do another little check. Here's some questions to ask yourself. Did you do harm or did you disappoint someone? Disappointment isn't harm, and discomfort isn't disobedience. So as I mentioned, these are big feelings that come up. I specifically talked about guilt, true guilt, and false guilt, but we can have fear, we can have doubt, we can have different emotions that come up when we're practicing new behaviors instead of people pleasing. So let's talk for a moment about how to regulate. How do we emotionally regulate? Number one, we want to pause. So maybe put your hand on your heart, take a big inhale in through your nose, and a nice sigh it out, relax those shoulders down, let yourself feel some freedom. And do that again. Do that maybe a few more times where you breathe in through the nose and you take a nice long, full exhalation, relax the muscles, relax your jaw, relax your eyes. Do that for as many times as it takes for you to start to feel your body relax. And then pray, God, ground me in truth and in love. And your next step then is to go ahead and proceed. Proceed with your response, or to proceed with, I'm choosing not to go back on my boundary, or I'm choosing not to overexplain, I'm choosing not to apologize. So that's a little check-in to help you emotionally regulate because this work is certainly in the vulnerability department. You used to feel safe by managing people's reactions. Now you're practicing letting reactions exist without you fixing them. That feels vulnerable. So vulnerability feels like risk, but boundaries are how you create actual safety. Remember, we're working toward being authentic and true to yourself, not performing. That's the goal. So of course, this work is going to be challenging. It's going to put us in the vulnerability category, but I just gave you a nice little emotional grounding routine to go through. And now let's talk about what's happening in your body. So your body is reading this new behavior like it's a threat because you're expecting perhaps a backlash. That's the old alarm system. It's like waiting for somebody from your past to yell at you or getting punished like you used to. Your body remembers what happened in the past when you didn't appease, which is why you develop the people-pleasing habit in the first place. So, what we're doing instead is leaning into discomfort. We're doing that on purpose. We know it's going to feel uncomfortable. We're going to lean into those uncomfortable feelings instead of avoiding them. You're teaching your body, I can tolerate the discomfort of negative feelings. I'm an adult now. I'm not a vulnerable child. And I'm not talking to my dad or my brother or my ex. Let's do a little preparation for the aftershock. So you've gone ahead and you have created your boundary, you've stated your need, your new behavior. Here's a little emergency kit for after you ground this little emergency kit is for you to go through somewhat of an intellectual process to get your thoughts straightened out. Because those those fear thoughts, those little fear monsters are going to come up and start criticizing you and telling you things that are not true. So let's practice this little emergency kit together. Number one, name it, name the feeling that's coming up, name the false guilt, name the fear, name the doubt, name the criticism, whatever it is. And then I want you to number two, breathe. I want you to sit with that feeling, want you to breathe, want you to calm yourself down, sit in the feeling, create calmness in that space. And then number three, I want you to ask yourself this question. What's the story I'm telling myself? Notice what that story is. And then number four, what's the truth? What's the truth? The truth might be they can be disappointed and I can still be safe. They can be disappointed and still be my friend. Number five, hold the line. So we're not gonna send out extra texts. We're not gonna start over-explaining. We're gonna pause and breathe and affirm that learning a new behavior will feel uncomfortable and you can do uncomfortable things. We're gonna practice self-care and we're gonna put that phone down and we're not gonna text, over-explaining, and seeking permission. And then finally, number six, the self-compassion part. I'm allowed to have needs too. That is a brand new belief and a beautiful belief for many of you. I'm allowed to have needs. Okay, that's your little emergency kit because your body and mind will freak out to some degree when you start practicing these new behaviors. So boundaries. We want to we want to say boundaries in a very short and kind way, loving way. We don't want to go into over-explanations and again asking permission. So here's some examples of what to say when you are invited to something that you don't necessarily want to go to, or you legit need to check your calendar. I do that all the time because my calendar is quite full and I really don't want to double book. I want my yeses to be yeses and my no's to be no, and I want to be accountable to what I commit to. So here's some quick little taglines to use to buy yourself a little pause. Number one, I'm not available that day. Number two, that doesn't work for me, or I'm not a fan of dot, dot, dot. If you're asked repetitively to go to a sports event or to a concert or to a musical and you don't really like those things, be up front and tell that person, those really aren't what I'm interested in. Would you like to do this instead? If you really care for the person, then maybe suggest doing something that's in the interest arena of yours. Uh the next one sounds fun, but I'm going to need a rest day. I use that one frequently too. I need to rest and have a fill up day, which doesn't necessarily include a lot of stimulus. Um, I can help for two hours, but not for the whole day. I love that one. A time boundary. Next one, I'll check my calendar and get back with you. I use that one all the time because I legit need to check my calendar and get back with people. So I want you to remember that you are building a muscle of being okay when someone is unhappy or disappointed with you. Every time you don't rescue the moment, you regain a little more self-trust and a little bit more self-identity. Remember also that people pleasing was armor for you. Boundaries are learning to live with freedom to be you, who God made you to be. And healthy boundaries feel awkward at first, maybe like a brand new pair of shoes. But once you break them in, don't you just love them. Reminders from God's perspective. Obedience to God sometimes disappoints people. And love is not the same thing as overfunctioning. Proverbs 29 verse 25. Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. I hope you have a few takeaways from today's show and an intention to practice something specific to grow a new skill. And I want to also invite you to join the free workshop, The Cost of People Pleasing. The sign up link is in the show notes. All right, until next time.