7. Nice Girl, Hidden Agenda

People Pleasing looks 👀 nice, but usually isn't.... it's usually strategic.  There's typically a hidden agenda under that appeasing and over giving that makes us "feel" safe.  

Despite being created for connection and relationship, this episode points out the selfishness of being human and how people pleasing falls into the selfish category 😳.  Selfishness is what disrupts our connection. Learning to be honest in getting along with others helps us own our identity while respecting the differences in others that God commanded us to love.  

Being an active listener can show biblical selflessness while using boundaries to navigate a reciprocal relationship.  

Listen and learn what to practice to replace your people pleasing habit with healthy behaviors.

FREE WORKSHOP https://www.rhondamorales.com/workshop

Transcript

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Nice girl hidden agenda. That's our show for today on Forget People Pleasing. Because people pleasing looks nice, maybe even selfless, but it usually isn't. And I know that might sting a little because people pleasers are often the kindest, most helpful, most thoughtful women in the room. You bring the meal, you send the text, you cover the shift, and you smooth the tension. You make it easier for everyone. But let's tell the truth, people pleasing isn't selfless, it's strategic. Not in a villain kind of way, but in a I'm scared kind of way. Because there's usually a hidden agenda underneath the overgiving. Like, if I keep you happy, you won't reject me. If I stay easy, you'll include me. If I meet your needs, you'll keep choosing me. If I don't rock the boat, we'll be okay. I'll be safe. So yes, you're giving, but you're also quietly hoping for something in return. That's not generosity, that's transactional. It's giving with strings attached. And I'm not judging, there's no shame here because remember, I'm a people pleaser in recovery too. I used to do all of this, all of the strings attached, all of the giving, the transactional giving with hope that I would get something in return, or I would get what I was modeling in return. So no judgment here. What I want is to build awareness, because when you finally see what's happening, then you can finally stop doing it. Do you know that selfishness is the number one reason for conflict that probably doesn't shock you? One of the biggest relationship problems across the board is selfishness, because selfishness basically says, here's what I need, here's what I want, here's how I feel. It's all about me. And scripture can back that up. Proverbs 28, 25 says selfishness only causes problems. Selfishness destroys our relationships, our connection. But here's the plot twist. People pleasing can be selfish too, just dressed up to look nice. Because even when we're being nice, the goal can still be self-focused. Do you like me now? Am I safe now? Did I earn my place now? Are we okay now? That's still me centered. It's just fear dressed up. So the thing about being selfish is that we as humans are naturally selfish. However, we're created for real connection, not surface peace. Romans 12:5 says we're connected to each other in the family of God. So that means that relationships matter to God, community matters. And yes, differences are normal. God made people with many different personalities, different perspectives, different preferences, different backgrounds. And if you have a pulse, you're going to disagree with people. That's not a sign of a bad relationship. That's a sign you're around humans. Because being a people pleaser, we tend to treat differences like caution, like danger. So I want to normalize that as humans and our natural tendency for selfishness, we are going to have some differences in our opinion. So instead of practicing healthy relationship skills, we practice avoidance. We can be very skilled in the avoidance department by avoiding disagreement, avoiding honesty, avoiding our needs, avoiding saying saying no, that that doesn't fit in my day, avoiding the risk of someone being disappointed in you. And we call it being loving, but love isn't fear. So we have the opportunity to practice these healthier skills, being honest in all kinds of ways in our day-to-day life. Our small group, we have church friendships, outside church friendships, our neighborhood, your pickleball gang, your creative expression group. These are all practice arenas. And what I want you to learn to practice instead of that avoidance stuff is how to speak up kindly, how to tolerate discomfort, the discomfort of maybe they're not in alignment with your opinion or what you're expressing, how to be honest without being harsh, how to handle different personalities, and how to stay connected even when you disagree. Honestly, this will save you a ton of money on in therapy. And I say that as a therapist. So selflessness is different than people pleasing. Biblical selflessness isn't I disappear so you're comfortable. Biblical selflessness is I can care about you without abandoning me. Philippians 2, 4 says to look out for one another's interests, not just your own. So notice it doesn't say ignore your interests. It says not just your own. It's mutual, it's balanced. And sometimes modeling true selflessness can inspire change in other people. Not always, though, because not everyone has self-awareness or maturity to notice how they affect others. One of the ways we get stuck in people pleasing is resentment. And here's how you can tell you weren't being selfless if you feel resentful. Because deep down your heart was saying, I did that for you, so you would do something for me. Maybe it's attention, approval, acceptance, inclusion, safety. But when we give with strings, we almost always end up disappointed because we never clearly communicated the deal. We just silently hoped they'd read our mind and repay us. And I did this for quite a few years regarding my birthday. My husband's birthday was two weeks before mine. And I would show him by modeling and celebrating his birthday. Traditionally, birthdays were not that big of a deal for him. So he enjoyed the celebrations that we lavished on him for his birthday. He didn't reciprocate. I had hoped without clearly communicating that what I had shown him in celebrating and honoring him for his birthday, that he would do that for me for my birthday two weeks later. Birthdays are real special to me. Birthdays aren't too special for him. So without the clear communication, I expected what I modeled for him would be given to me. And every year I was disappointed. So I know that resentment is indeed a byproduct of people pleasing instead of clearly communicating what our needs really are. So let me give you an example of how you can be selfless without abandoning yourself. And it's in the area of active listening. People love to be listened to. People love to talk about themselves. Listen, listen actively, not while you're multitasking, not while you're half scrolling, not planning what you're going to say next, but with eye contact, with presence, with your attention. This is a gift because you're giving your time. And here's the gentle shift for my fellow people pleasers. Listening doesn't mean surrendering the entire conversation. I want to introduce a boundary here. And a boundary can sound like I really want to hear you. And I also want to share something I'm processing too. It can also sound like, can I tell you how this is landing for me? Another example would be I'm with you. And I also need to share something that's also on my heart. So we don't have to just be absorbed in the full conversation where someone does all the talking and you do all of the listening and you leave that air quote conversation feeling heavy laden and maybe resentful that you didn't get a chance to share. So the secret here is employing a boundary so that you also get time to share what's on your heart and what's on your mind. And we do that with honesty, we do that with kindness, and we can do that without fully abandoning ourselves. If your kindness has a hidden agenda, it isn't love, it's fear trying to stay safe. But God didn't create you to earn belonging. You don't have to perform for connection. You can be honest, you can practice being honest while you're being kind, while you're being real. And these then create real relationships instead of the performance kind of relationships. If this practice, and remember, everyday practice arenas are available to you from work, home, pickleball, tennis, your gym class, creative, your creative, your arts classes, your arts people, all the people that are in your day-to-day life is the practice arena for being honest, for being kind, and practicing your boundaries and enjoying relationships that are more reciprocal instead of self-abandonment. I hope that there are some takeaways from our episode today. And I would love to gift you with a free workshop to help you stop people pleasing and start owning your value and the identity of who God says that you are. Link for that is in the show notes. So until next time.