8. Are You Normalizing Dysfunction?

When we stay silent and tolerate negative behaviors we may be NORMALIZING DYSFUNCTION!  This episode discusses 2 costs of staying silent for the sake of staying safe instead of facing our fears rooted likely from childhood.  

For more resources go to:  https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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Have you ever wanted to say something to someone's chronic bad behavior, but your body said, Nope, that's not safe? Like you can literally feel the risk of either getting yelled at, getting iced out, or maybe labeled, you're too sensitive. So you stay quiet. And then later on, you replay the event in your head and resentment starts simmering. Today we're talking about why people pleasers are afraid to speak up and two hidden costs of staying quiet of someone's chronic bad behavior. We just let it keep sliding. And friend, if you've been trained to stay silent, you're not alone. We became people pleasers because being agreeable felt safer than being honest. And if you learned early on that conflict leads to punishment like yelling, criticism, maybe tension in the house, or a withdrawal, kind of an icing out cold shoulder kind of thing, then your nervous system picked a strategy. You've been conditioned to stay quiet, stay small, to tolerate things so that you can stay safe. It makes sense, right? So as an adult, even when a situation isn't dangerous, your body reacts like it is. It remembers what it was like when you were younger and more vulnerable, and you got the silent treatment or you got the yelling or you felt the tension. So the body still remembers that and responds in a very similar way, even though you're in an adult body right now. And that fear that comes up now is more like, what if they explode? Because maybe a parent exploded. That was the pattern back then. What if they abandon me? What if they ice me out? What if they give me the cold shoulder? What if I get in trouble? Even as an adult, we can still feel like we're going to get in trouble. Does that land with anybody? And what if I lose the relationship? That's legit because sometimes when we speak our minds, even though we are asked to speak our truth in love, some people don't like to be held accountable or they don't like to be told that their behavior is bothersome or abrasive. So it doesn't really matter how we say it sometimes, not everybody is going to be welcoming of that information. So here's two costs, here's two traps that we find ourselves in as people pleasers when we stay silent. And the first trap is letting the resentment stew. That's like poison inside of each one of us that continues to tolerate, doesn't want to, but is too afraid to confront. So that poison stews inside of us, and we have resentment. And we know what that feels like. It does not feel good. Resentment toward the person that's chronically doing the bad behavior, but it's also resentment toward us because we know we are abandoning our needs by not saying something. So trap number one, cost number one is our own resentment that we feel inside of our bodies. And cost number two is if we don't say anything, we are giving permission, we're reinforcing that chronic bad behavior, we're normalizing whatever that dysfunction is. If we don't say anything, they either continue to not know, legit not know how their behavior is affecting us, or we don't know that they don't care. Right? Either way, having an honest conversation brings to light either their education, their awareness, or the fact that friendship is not exactly what you thought it was. So those are the two traps of staying small, staying silent for the reasons that childhood probably brought about with you. How do we stop creating these traps, the resentment and normalizing dysfunction? By stepping out, summoning your courage, and sharing what's really bothersome. Hey, I wanted to talk with you about something that I've noticed, a pattern that I've noticed. And you share this pattern with this person, and how they respond is really giving you very valuable information. Number one, if they go, oh my gosh, I had no idea, or oh gosh, that's that is a problem. Thank you for telling me I I've been told that before, and I'm gonna work on it, right? It's it's it's a person that acknowledges and takes ownership. And it's it's a point of reference you can always go back to in the future because, you know, as we're working on things, we don't work on things perfectly. So that brings to light there's somebody that values your friendship, values you as a person is willing to work on their bad traits because, hey, folks, we all have bad traits, right? We're just talking about something that maybe we don't do, but but nevertheless, right? It's it's grace. We need to share our truth with in love and have grace with one another. And the other thing as far as bringing a conversation to light or that gentle converse confrontation is is learning if if they're explosive, if they are indeed explosive. Proverbs is full of teaching, stay away from fools, for they lead you astray. A wise man learns more from a fool than a fool learns from a wise man. He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffer harm. And if someone cannot handle your truth that is spoken in kindness and in love, then perhaps they fit the definition of what Proverbs calls a fool. And maybe that's not the best person for you to hang around with in the first place. If they can't take a little bit of gentle feedback that would actually deepen your relationship, I don't know. You may want to give that some consideration. If you have been quiet because you're afraid of trouble, I want you to hear this. Your voice is not rebellion, your voice is actually being a good, honest friend. You need to summon your courage and speak up with truth and love and stop normalizing dysfunction. And yeah, it's gonna feel scary at first. Most new things do, because you're just not used to being safe and honest at the same time. But with practice, you're going to realize that safe and honest do indeed go together. And the information that you get from being honest is going to help you see who's really your friend and who's not. I'm wondering if today's episode hit home, I'd like to give you one small thing to do this week. Pick one moment to practice a simple sentence like, I'm not available for that. I love this one coming up. I need a different tone to continue. I want to share my perspective too. Those are just some examples of how you can start this gentle confrontation to address the negative behavior that you've been tolerating. Go to my website www.rondamorales.com for more resources, and we have a working together course coming up where we go through the course together, week by week, with weekly coaching calls. And I I'm so excited because you're going to learn so much about people pleasing. Again, check www dot rhondamoralis.com for more information on that upcoming course. All right. Until next time, keep practicing.