10. Why You Feel Invisible In Your Relationships

We long to be seen, known, and loved which is met in God's unconditional love.  We seek the same knowing and love from our inner circle.  Yet, we sabotage that desire by keeping our true selves hidden which tends to create one-sided relationships.  This episode reveals 5 habits that make us invisible in our relationships and 3 ways to start breaking the cycle.  

From a Biblical perspective, we reference 1 Peter 4:10, Ephesians 2:10 and Ephesians 5:21.

There's a golden nugget at the end ... listen for what it is.

For more resources:  https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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One of the deepest longings of our heart is to be fully known and fully loved, which is met by God's unconditional love. In Psalm 139, David writes of how known he is to God. You know when I sit down and when I rise up, you discern my thoughts from afar, even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. We seek being seen, known, and loved from our inner circle too. And yet we can sabotage that deep longing by people pleasing and keeping our true selves hidden, which may be creating these one-sided relationships, and that certainly can make us feel invisible. So here's the truth: most people pleasers don't realize that people pleasing doesn't create connection, it actually prevents it. Because real connection requires two real people. And when you're a people pleasing, you're not fully showing up as yourself. Here's the pattern. People pleasers often hide their needs, silence their opinions, avoid conflict, go along with what others want. And on the surface, that looks easygoing, it looks nice, it looks slow maintenance. But underneath, here's my question: how do you create a meaningful relationship with someone who really you don't know? Here's some habits that make you invisible. Number one, when you don't express preferences, opinions, and needs, people stop seeing you because you've trained them. There's nothing to see here. You become the person who just goes along, and over time, you start to feel like you've disappeared in your own life. Habit number two, people lose respect. I know this is a tough pill to swallow. Respect doesn't come from being endlessly agreeable, though. Respect comes from knowing this person has a voice. This person has boundaries. This person will stand up for what matters to them. And when there's no boundaries, people may appreciate your kindness, but can you have a relationship with kindness and very little substance? Habit number three, you attract the wrong people. Oh, I have been in that line so many times. The people you attract when you're a people pleaser are controlling, they're self-centered, emotionally immature, and they're drawn to people pleasers because they can sense, or maybe they've even identified your pattern, you won't push back. Meanwhile, healthy people often feel uncomfortable around someone who has no boundaries or doesn't share themselves because healthy people don't want a puppet as a friend. And habit number four: your relationships become one-sided. So this is a core issue. You give, they receive, you adjust, they stay the same. You overextend, they come to expect it, and then you feel hurt because they're not giving back. That's the dance, isn't it? But here's the hard truth: they're responding to what you've shown them. I want you to remember a truth here. We teach people how to treat us, and you didn't tell them your needs, you didn't express what your preferences are or your limits, you didn't ask for something different. So the relationship really never had a chance to become mutual. And then finally, habit number five, and this one's really sad. Nobody knows the real you. And maybe, probably, you don't know the real you either, since you've been adjusting to others instead of expressing your own knowing, your own truth, your own beautiful self. How can someone truly love you if they don't know you? How can you be a friend, a deep, connected, meaningful relationship kind of friend if they don't know who, what you feel, what you want, what matters to you? If you're constantly adjusting yourself to be what others need you to be, then your real self never gets seen. And that leads to a very painful feeling of being surrounded by people feeling unknown and maybe alone. And why does this happen? People pleasers struggle to share their wants, needs, preferences, and opinions for fear of offending someone. Does that sound familiar? Or feeling like I'm being a burden, I'm being too much, I'm inconveniencing people. Well, let's flip the script for just a moment. How many times have people come to you and you haven't seen them as a burden, or you don't see them as too much? So flip the script on that and and vet whether your storytelling is true or not. What I'm saying here is that you hide those parts of you, but hiding your needs, who you are, doesn't create connection, it creates distance. Healthy relationships need two whole people, not one person and their shadow. A relationship where one person shows up fully and another disappears is a people-pleasing relationship. And that's not satisfying. So let me give you three practical ways to start breaking this cycle. Number one, express a simple preference. Like I'd rather do this than that. I'd rather go on Saturday instead of Thursday. I'm really not into horror movies. I'd rather go see this type of movie. Simply express a preference. That's number one. Number two, set a small boundary. Someone asks you why you didn't get their message. I don't check messages after eight. Okay. Or this one, I love this one because I'm not a foodie. So if someone wants me to go to an expensive restaurant with very exotic foods, I'm gonna say, I'm not a foodie. So going to that restaurant, that's a no for me. And that's that's a true, that is truly me. And by the way, when we share these small boundaries, these small little preferences, we're also expressing who we truly, truly, truly are. So that's a step in the right direction as well. And one additional way to break the cycle, and this doesn't always apply, but for those of you that tend to overapologize, listen up, stop apologizing for having needs. So you're not saying, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm just annoying, but can I? Blah, blah, blah. Whatever the whatever the request is. Instead, just put it out there in plain language. I need to leave by nine. No apology necessary. Now, what comes up in this new territory of breaking the cycle is that some people may not like this new you, this new little change that you're doing. Those are often the people who benefited from you having no boundaries. So let's reframe your thinking. You're not losing relationships, you're losing roles that you were playing and making space for real connection. That's where meaningful relationships get developed. So let's look at what we're talking about in today's episode from a biblical lens. God did not create you to disappear in relationships. Instead, you have been equipped with abilities and good works to do for God. 1 Peter 4 10 and Ephesians 2.10, the Bible teaches that God gives every person unique gifts, talents, and abilities to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do, to serve others and glorify Him. And in Ephesians 5.21, we can find where healthy relationships encourage mutual submission, often interpreted as being courteously reverent to one another. That is a reciprocal relationship, friend, not a one-sided one. So, in closing, if you've been feeling invisible in your relationships, this isn't because you're too giving. Honest that reveals the true you. So my encouragement for you is to start with one small step as I refer back to those habit-breaking, small beginnings. Let someone see a real preference, create a small boundary, or express a real thought, a real opinion, or a real need without apologizing. So, my golden nugget for you at the end of today's episode is you don't need to give more to be loved. You need to be known. Okay, friends, keep practicing, and I'll see you next time.