12. I Married Him Because I Was A People Pleaser

Left to my own flawed human thinking and emotions plus the people pleasing tendency to not want to disappoint anyone ... well, I got married for the wrong reasons.  Yes, I was "young and dumb" and "didn't know what I didn't know."          Had God been part of my decision making, had I wanted my life to be in alignment with His plan for me, I wouldn't have walked that isle.  

Despite our mistakes, God meets us in our mess and shame.  He brings healing, growth, and wisdom so we can serve others with the love, kindness, and compassion we received from Him.

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Transcript

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I shared something recently with two girlfriends, and their reaction really surprised me because what I thought was my story turned out to be way more common than I realized. I told them, I think I married my first husband because I was a people pleaser. And both of them looked at me and said, Me too. So let me take you back before cell phones and the internet, before Google was even born. I didn't know what love was. Not real love, not healthy love, not unconditional love, because I hadn't experienced that growing up. Now, I had accepted Jesus in my heart when I was six years old at vacation Bible school. And I truly believe to this very day that God had his hand of protection on me from that point on. So I was still making choices from my understanding, my emotions, and the expectations of others. And this man, he was kind. We had so much fun. We loved the beach. We loved water skiing. We loved hanging out together. And in my mind, that meant love because I didn't have anything deeper to compare it to. And I'll never forget this part. At one point, he asked me, Do you want to get married? And I said, Not really. And he said, Good, me either. But about three years later, there we were getting married. And looking back now, I can see something so clearly. I wasn't choosing from love. I was choosing from people pleasing. And I think he was too. We were thinking, this is the next step. We get along great. This is what people do. We've been together this long and we're having fun. We don't want to hurt each other by not taking it to the next step. So we stayed and then we committed. We didn't choose each other out of clarity. We chose each other out of comfort and obligation. And when I shared this with my friends, they had similar stories too. Different details, but the same pattern, making relationship decisions based on pressure, expectation, fear of hurting someone, or fear of being alone. So when I look back at that young girl, and I'm not mad at her, I have compassion for her. She wanted to be loved, and she didn't know what real love looked like. And she didn't know how to love back yet. Call it young and dumb, or you don't know what you don't know. Actually, I think both are true. Without following Jesus, it's really a gamble because we're making life decisions from unmet needs, limited understanding, and fear we don't realize is even driving us. I made a huge life decision based on selfishness, fear of being alone. There was a lot of beer at the beach having fun and water skiing with the alligators, and a lot of lobster dinners at that fancy restaurant we love so much. I wonder how many people get married because they don't want to disappoint someone. This is what people pleasing does in relationships. It replaces truth with avoidance, it replaces clarity with compliance, and it replaces love with a fear-based attachment. And when God isn't in the picture or he's not at the center, we are left making life decisions from flawed human thinking, and it usually doesn't work out very well. But here's the beautiful part of the story: God meets us right there in our mess, in our ignorance, in our selfishness, in our shame, in our confusion, and in our darkness. He helps us heal, grow, become wise, so that we can then serve others with the same kindness, love, and generosity that we received from him. And I'll be honest, I'm a little stubborn. So my journey took a lot longer, which is why I don't judge the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years. I really do get it. Here's what I have learned: people pleasing will make you wander. It will pull you off God's path. It will have you building a life around keeping others happy, avoiding discomfort, and chasing approval instead of living aligned with God's purpose. Scripture tells us in Ephesians 2 10, we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do. You are fitted for your purpose, but people pleasing detours you. And the cost is real. There are consequences to our people pleasing choices, especially in big decisions like who you're going to marry. You miss out on the joy of living in purpose, the peace of alignment, and the freedom of being who God created you to be. Instead, you end up feeling caged, overextended, resentful, and disconnected. And slowly you drift away from God's direction. But here's the good news: you're not stuck. God already knew every little detour, every misstep, all those decisions, and your purpose didn't disappear. It's still there, waiting for you to step back into alignment. So this week, I want you to do one simple thing. Just pause and ask yourself, where in my life am I choosing from fear instead of truth? And then ask, what would it look like to let God lead me in this area? So as a Christian woman now, make sure those decisions, the big ones as well as the little ones, include God in the deciding part. And make sure that you ask Him to show you how to maneuver, maybe back in alignment if indeed you find yourself out of alignment. I just remind you of those two questions. Where in my life am I choosing from fear instead of truth? And what would it look like to let God lead me in that area? Friends, we need courage and trust to do this work. And I pray that you will summon both for this part of your journey. So until next time, keep practicing.