13. The Fear of Being Ruined

Fear says, "you will be ruined if you say no or set a boundary."  But God tells us in Galatians 5:1, you have been set free to no longer be a slave. We think our consequence for not appeasing will be ruin, permanent, and pervasive.  But, will it really???  We catastrophize the discomfort and transition from being a people pleaser to living in truth.  You're not as fragile as the enemy wants you to believe. 

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Transcript

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Today we're peeling back the layers on a fear that keeps so many of us paralyzed and people pleasing. It's that quiet voice in the back of your head that whispers, if I stop appeasing them, my life will be ruined. Maybe for you it's a toxic relationship you're afraid to leave because you're convinced your finances will collapse or your image in the group will be permanently stained. Or maybe it's just the constant need to be the reliable one at work or in your family. We convince ourselves that the moment we stop performing, the floor will fall out from under us. We treat our choices as if they are permanent, meaning lasting forever and pervasive, extending to every area of our lives. But today I want to ask, why do we think so little of the woman God created us to be? Why do we think our value is a house of cards that a single person's disapproval could blow down? In psychology, we call this catastrophizing. It's the mental jump from I might disappoint someone to I will lose everything. When we are in the cycle of people pleasing, we aren't just being nice. We are actually practicing a form of self-protection that leaves God out of the equation. We tell ourselves, if I don't say yes to this committee, they'll think I'm not a good Christian and I'll be an outcast. If I set a boundary with my partner, the relationship will end and I'll never recover financially. I can say on this last one from experience that the pain of staying in a toxic relationship became greater than my fear of living in a lower tax bracket. I chose to leave a four-story house with a water view to the peaceful refuge of a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate that I barely knew. What I'm trying to say is I survived and began to thrive. We view our lives through a lens of fragility. We act as if our security is held in the hands of people like bosses, spouses, friends, or even strangers on social media. But here is the hard truth. If your peace depends on everyone being happy with you, you will never actually be at peace. You are giving human beings the power of ruin that only God should have. And spoil alert, God isn't looking to ruin you, He's looking to restore you. Let's get to the heart of it. Why do we have such a low view of our own capacity? Scripture tells us in Psalm 139 that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Yet when we live in the fear of ruin, we are essentially saying, God, I don't think you can sustain me if people don't approve of me. We forget that we are built with divine resilience. You were created to be a woman of substance, not a shadow of other people's expectations. When you seek external approval for value, you are drinking from a broken cistern. So how do we stop the fear spiral? Let's look at the permanent tag. Ask yourself, is this actually a permanent ruin or just a temporary discomfort? Disappointing a person is a moment. Your identity in Christ is an eternity. Let's also audit your source. If you're terrified of your image being ruined, ask yourself whose image you are actually trying to reflect. If it's the perfect Christian woman image, let it go. If it's the image of God, remember He is honored by your integrity and your honest answer, not your resentment field yes. Also, trust that God has given you the mind, the spirit, and the strength to navigate a transition. If a relationship is toxic, your capacity isn't found in your bank account. It's found in the God who provides. Your image isn't found in popular acceptance. It's found in walking in truth. Let's look deeper into what it means that our fear will be pervasive. You know how a tiny drop of ink on a paper doesn't stay in one spot. It spreads throughout the paper. So when we think about stopping our people pleasing, we don't just think, oh, Sarah might be annoyed. We think if Sarah is annoyed, the whole friend group will shift. My reputation will be ruined, and I'll end up alone. This is pervasive thinking. It's the belief that your value is so fragile that one no can bankrupt your entire future. Fear tells you the ruin is permanent. The gospel tells you that even if you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, even if you lose the money or the image, you are still a daughter of the king. And a king's daughter cannot be ruined by the opinions of man. And in my story that I shared with you, my bank account was not ruined, my image was not ruined. I was actually led to people that were more like-minded. Certainly I was not ruined. Was there discomfort? Absolutely. Was there struggle? Yes. Did I have a transition? Yes. Was I ruined? Absolutely not. And I want to share with you something that happened just a few years ago. God gave me the nudge to spend less time with a group that did more discouraging than encouraging. My social life got quiet, but in that alone time, God pointed me in the direction of his plan for me, which is exactly why you're hearing this podcast right now. Obedience to God may include struggle and blessing because who knows you? Who loves you more than your creator? Friend, your life is not as fragile as the enemy wants you to believe. You are not one disappointment away from ruin. You are one boundary away from freedom. So stop asking for permission to be who God already said you are. Go out there, live in truth, and watch how God holds you up when the wrong people walk away. Thanks for listening. See you next time.