23. No Answer Is An Answer

Here's an emotional tool for your toolbox -- No Answer Is An Answer.  There's at least 2 different ways to apply this tool: to outgoing invites that seem to get crickets and to incoming communication when you've asked it to stop.  

Listen in to how to use this tool so can stay regulated and unprovoked.  (Ecclesiates 7:9).

https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Thanks for listening to the Forget People Pleasing Show. Today's episode is about the phrase no answer is an answer. Maybe you've heard that phrase before. Perhaps even you've used it to help yourself move forward when you were stuck waiting for clarity. But what does it really mean? And how can we use it in a healthy, emotionally intelligent way? That's today's topic. As people pleasers, we have a tendency to overexplain ourselves. And we keep adding more words because we hope that if we explain our feelings clearly enough, kindly enough, or thoroughly enough, the other person will finally understand and respect what we are asking for. But sometimes they already understand. They simply don't like our answer. Here's a story. A friend of mine recently became aware of some troubling character traits in one of her friends. For quite some time, he had presented himself as respectful, considerate, and fun to be around. Then, out of nowhere, some disturbing comments and uncomfortable expectations began to surface. These new behaviors did not align with my friend's values, so she chose the emotionally intelligent route. She had an honest conversation with him. He listened to her feedback, apologized, and promised that their friendship could move forward as it had been before. So not long afterward, the negative behaviors began creeping back in. You're not surprised, are you? I neither was I. My friend also began noticing another pattern. He seemed to communicate with her primarily when he didn't have anything or anyone better to occupy his time. She began to feel as though she was his fill-in person, someone to contact when his preferred plans were unavailable. Eventually, she shared her perspective with him and told him she really didn't want to continue their friendship. She gave him a lengthy and respectful explanation. He appeared to understand, but then he continued texting her. So she explained herself again. And then she further explained herself. Still, he continued reaching out. This is where the phrase no answer is an answer can become a useful boundary tool. When we have clearly communicated our needs and the other person refuses to respect the boundary, continuing to explain can leave us increasingly frustrated and emotionally dysregulated. Eventually, we may become a version of ourselves we don't particularly like. We may become angry, reactive, or unkind, not because we wanted to behave that way, but because we continued allowing someone to poke at a boundary we had already clearly stated. Ecclesiastes 7 verse 9 says, Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Protecting yourself from unnecessary provocation can sometimes mean ending the conversation. After you have respectfully explained the boundary, you may need to stop explaining. In my friend's case, that meant she needed to stop responding to his texts. Her silence was not cruelty. It was not a game or even an attempt to punish him. The choice not to continue to text would have been an enforcement of her boundary that she had already communicated. There is a difference between using silence to manipulate someone and choosing not to continue participating in a conversation that is disrespecting your clearly stated decision. You do not have to keep defending a boundary to someone who has already heard it. No answer can be your answer. This phrase can also work in reverse. Perhaps you have asked someone to do something, invited them to spend time with you, or reached out in hopes of maintaining a friendship, and they don't respond. As people pleasers, we may immediately begin wondering well, did they get the message? Are they busy? Should I follow up? Should I ask again? Maybe they forgot. Any one of those explanations could be true occasionally, but when it becomes a pattern, the pattern deserves your attention. Perhaps you repeatedly invite someone somewhere, receive no response, reach out again, and then eventually receive a no. What does that pattern reveal? Their lack of response may be communicating something they are unwilling or uncomfortable saying directly to you. And accepting that vague communication can involve grief. It hurts to realize that someone may no longer have space or time for you in their lives. It hurts to acknowledge that we may have grown apart, developed different interests, or stop sharing the meaningful connection that once was there. In this situation, their lack of an answer may indeed be the answer. You may want to gently ask yourselves, given the pattern I now see, why do I continue reaching out and waiting for a different answer? Maybe you are hoping to recover the friendship you once had. Maybe you are trying to prove that you still matter to them, or maybe you believe that if you try a little harder, they will eventually choose you. And maybe accepting the truth feels more painful than continuing to hope. You know, relationships evolve, and we evolve too, at least when we choose to grow. Recognizing that a relationship has shifted away from meaningful connection can be deeply sad. But refusing to acknowledge the shift can keep us trapped in a cycle of unmet expectations and repeated disappointment. Over time, that cycle can begin to erode our confidence and cause us to question our value. Psalm 34, verses 17 to 18 reminds us of this. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. God is near to us in the grief of changing relationships. He is near when we finally stop chasing a connection that has become one-sided. He is near when we acknowledge that someone we valued no longer values the relationship in the same way. And he is near when we begin to make room for something healthier. As you grow spiritually and emotionally and leave people pleasing behaviors behind, you may discover that some of your friendships no longer align with your values. You may need to seek new friendships based on mutuality, honesty, shared values, and genuine care. While you're developing these new friendships, remember Proverbs 18, verse 24. A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. This verse reminds us that the number of people surrounding us is not nearly as important as the quality of those relationships. A large circle of superficial connections cannot replace one trustworthy friend who is consistent, supportive, and sincere. So, in summary, here is another emotional tool to keep in your toolbox. No answer is an answer. Sometimes it means you have already communicated your boundary and you do not need to keep explaining it. Other times, it means someone's repeated silence is giving you information about the priority or lack thereof they have placed on the relationship. That answer may not be the answer you hope to receive, but knowing the truth and making decisions based on reality is wiser than denying what the pattern reveals and continuing to live with unmet expectations and disappointment. Pay attention to patterns, accept the information they provide. Allow yourself to grieve what has changed and trust that releasing one sided relationships can create room for healthier, more meaningful connections. Keep growing to be more like Jesus. Until next time, friends.