Between Us with Nick and Ashlee
Two millennial lovebirds hitting their forties, parenting hoodlums, and sharing honest successes and failures. Join Nick and Ashlee as they discuss relationships, marriage, and the reality of embracing the aging process.
Nick and Ashlee are high school sweethearts that have been married for 20 years. They have four children and a dog (Ashlee's dog). They've been active in the Church since they were teenagers and still serve regularly. After many years of watching relationships break down around them, they have a passion to lead the conversation in managing healthy relationships and lifestyles.
Between Us with Nick and Ashlee
Five Love Languages - #009
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We love each other, right? Maybe the love is there but the expression is lacking. But what is love if not expressed? And what is relationship if there's no relating? The topic of love and connection is a tale forever being written. Gary Chapman made waves with the book "The Five Love Languages" and we are taking the time to describe what each of these expressions are and how they apply. We hope this episode is encouraging and helpful for you!
Hey, I'm Nick.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Ashley, and this is Between Us.
SPEAKER_00Hey, do you remember back when I gave you a promise ring?
SPEAKER_01I do. That was the sweetest thing. Yeah, it was. It really was. Like you had a whole plan.
SPEAKER_00And I did. This was way back in the day. Yeah. This was in the way back when we were young.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's like 16, 17?
SPEAKER_00I think so. It would have been somewhere around there. It had to be. Because I mean, we were definitely still in high school. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But we were serious.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think I was. I may have been a senior though.
SPEAKER_01So then yeah, I was 17.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. That must have been. It had to be close to that. And it seems like now I look back and I'm like, man, we were like little types, you know?
SPEAKER_01Little tykes. Yeah. We were young. We're babies.
SPEAKER_00So the story goes. I was going out of town, coming down to Florida, actually. We lived in any in Indiana at the time. And uh I that there was this the thing about the number four for Ashley and I that has ran through our whole our whole marriage, our whole relationship. And um, well, don't worry, we're not obsessed about the number four or anything silly. But however, it was just something that's really cool for us, and that's a whole nother story.
SPEAKER_01But we had a little saying for always. That's how we would sign our notes for always.
SPEAKER_00Yes, we did. And uh so basically, uh, I was leaving and it was in April, and we have gotten to the point that uh we knew kind of that we wanted to be We were pretty serious. Yeah, we were gonna be together forever. That was kind of the notion.
SPEAKER_01I mean, we thought we knew.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know how it is. And so instead of just getting engaged, because that seemed weird and too much, I thought I'm gonna do the promise ring thing, which was a thing that no not a lot of people do that. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Do they is a prom is the promise ring still a thing?
SPEAKER_00Like, I don't know if it was a thing really when we were that age.
SPEAKER_01It was though. I think it was.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01I feel like it was.
SPEAKER_00Well, so I purchased a ring and I did this whole thing. I had her come over to our scavenger hunt. Yeah, it was she went to the mailbox, she went to like the someplace in our in our house. My mom and dad knew, so we left a key how she could get in. This was so cool.
SPEAKER_01And so my parents knew too. Like they took me.
SPEAKER_00They like Yes, they were all in on it. And then she basically, I mean, you can I don't know. You went up, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I went through like he left clues and I went through different parts of the house until we found it. And then weren't you like on the phone? Yeah, I called you. My parents had you on the phone.
SPEAKER_00Yes. The whole the whole thought was she was gonna find the ring uh on the fourth of April, so 4-4.
SPEAKER_012004.
SPEAKER_00Yep, and it was had to be close. Yeah, and then it was uh what four o'clock in the afternoon, four forty-four, and then I had the number fours all over the room, and then you know, it was just it was fun, it was cute, it was a lot of fun, and it worked, and it did, at least to, you know, as close as you can get. But it was so cool, and and I was thinking about that because not a lot of people do the promise ring thing, but I knew that you would love that because you love having a big deal made out of certain things.
SPEAKER_01I do. I can't help it. Like, I'm the kind of person, let's celebrate my birthday all month. Yeah, and I'm you are complete opposite.
SPEAKER_00True. I'm like, leave me alone, tell me happy birthday, and I'll take a cupcake.
SPEAKER_01Well, you do like when we make cakes and special meals. Like we've just decided, like, we keep yours low-key.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01You get to pick the meal that we're gonna make.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, give me a hundred.
SPEAKER_01If I have the margin, I will make you a slamming cake.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Like, and then for you, it's it's invite everyone that we know.
SPEAKER_01I you you've thrown me parties. You've had uh, I do remember one time you did a like a variety show.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we did like a talent show.
SPEAKER_01Like a whole, like it wasn't a talent show, it was more like a variety, like impromptu, improv.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was fun, so fun. We had some of that, we had a lot of people involved.
SPEAKER_01I've had Christmas parties for my birthday, like people just decked out in Christmas stuff.
SPEAKER_00Remember, you had me as Jesus popping out of a cake?
SPEAKER_01Jesus at yeah, you were 17 popped out of a giant birthday cake dressed as Jesus. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00It was fun. Good times, but you know what? This is always to just I love showing you that I love you, you know? Yeah, and you do the same for me, even in the birthday schemes where I tried for a long time.
SPEAKER_01I was like, oh babe, let's do this. But I think that's where kind of just we didn't know each other well enough in that area where I'm like, I receive love that way. Yeah, so why wouldn't he? So I'm gonna make a big deal about this. I'm gonna invite a bunch of people, and he's like, please don't do that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I don't like that.
SPEAKER_01I don't like it.
SPEAKER_00I don't like it.
SPEAKER_01So I mean that crushed me for a while. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it took me a long time to like figure out how to navigate through that because I was like, but you should just be okay with this because I'm showing you that I love you and people love you, and you need to know, and all this. And you were just like, I'm good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I'd rather not. And it's I'd rather not. It's two different, you know, perspective, yeah, ways that people receive love. And that's really what we're gonna talk about today. Yeah, is we had a listener suggestion that we cover the book, The Five Love Languages.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And you and I are familiar with it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's been a long time, but we went through that study early on in our marriage.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's a uh it was one that was challenging, I think, on on the front end, just thinking about, you know, okay, so there's different ways that we love each other or what? And no, it's more like how you show love. Right.
SPEAKER_01And more how you show it and how you receive it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's and honestly, when you get down, here's here's the phrase of the day, to the brass tacks.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00You get down to the brass tacks, then it's really how you receive love, is what he's talking about.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh author is Gary Chapman. I looked into it just so I have some, you know, you know, a little bit more concrete things. He's he uh published this back in 1992. Wow. Um 90s. What's the uh what do they do? It's the whole uh oh my gosh, Jurassic Park thing. Yeah, yeah. 92 yeah, back in the day. Um, but it started getting really popular in the early 2000s uh amongst churches a lot too. So it has like a perspective from uh the faith per like the Christian point of view, but it doesn't like it doesn't spend a lot of time on that. However, it is really interesting. So there's five Gary Chapman uh breaks down five primary ways that people give and receive love. And I thought that it'd be interesting just to go through those real quick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, I don't know if you have I haven't pulled up.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so we've got words of affirmation, yeah, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Those are the five love languages that he breaks down.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and it's I don't know, I I think it's more of like emotional languages is what he's talking about.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00And it's interesting because um I felt like before reading this book or going through this study, I remember thinking like when they were telling me these are the different love languages. I thought like, uh yeah, all of these, wouldn't they all kind of be a way to receive love? But then like words of affirmation for me.
SPEAKER_01You don't know how to receive words of affirmation.
SPEAKER_00And I don't know that I like it. Well, I don't know that I want to be told so much.
SPEAKER_01It's because you don't know what to do with it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, and I don't think you do too much either. Yeah, I think you would you like to be affirmed.
SPEAKER_01For sure. I I definitely I'm encouraged by words of affirmation. Um, but I do struggle sometimes to know how to respond to it. And so I've just learned over the years to just say thank you. And um that or like that is just such a kind thing to say. It is because if someone goes out of their way to like build you up, like what a jerk move to just be like, oh you know, like which do you know how often that happens?
SPEAKER_00I cannot stand when people do that to me. In any you know who what part where people are like, oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01Like yeah, it's like okay, it it's but see that's where I'm like, yeah, that that's something deeper going on there. It's not about you, it's about something deeper going on there. But I yeah, I think just over the time, like over time, I have just learned like, okay, this person like went out of their way to come and talk to me and say these things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It took a lot of courage for them to do that because I know how uncomfortable that can feel, and you just putting yourself out there. Um, and it is a kind thing to do, and it is, and I I'm grateful and I'm thankful. And sometimes, just to be truthful with you, I just don't know what to say. So sometimes I feel like maybe my response to it isn't as like grand as it could be, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm just gonna trust that the Lord's gonna take care of that one.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I think it's it's good to start with this one too, because anybody who uh anyone could benefit from somebody affirming them. Totally. And and I think that's part of what um Chapman is talking about too, is everyone everyone loves to be affirmed, deserves to be affirmed, but in the sense of how someone receives love, um, it's almost like if you don't affirm someone who um who primarily receives love this way, they almost feel neglected. Totally. Yeah. Which is was eye-opening for me because it's it's not a normal practice for me to to be sure to be like, by the way, you're doing great. Right. I love what you do.
SPEAKER_01That's something we've had to kind of work out though. Like I've had to just get real honest with you sometimes and say, like, I need to hear these things from you just so I know like we're tracking.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_01You know, because it there have been seasons, and I know you love that word, but there have been times, also use the word time. There have been times in our relationship where like I haven't needed words of affirmation from you as much.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But then there have been times when I really did need it. Right and I had to learn like, I need to actually tell you.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Because I can't expect you to just know, even though I really tried. I tried to expect you to know a lot early on in our marriage. But this one, um, it feels weird to ask for because it's like I don't want you to say it if you don't mean it.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01So if you say it, please mean it. Words matter. Like there is there's so much power in our words, especially in encouragement and in correction and in like all of it. But um verbal appreciation goes a long way. It really does. No, and it does if you mean it when you say it. You know, you're not just checking off a box of like, well, I guess I gotta tell her I appreciate this, you know.
SPEAKER_00That's true. I remember early on we were good at I mean, young love situations, lots of time on our hands. Yeah, and I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna write a note.
SPEAKER_01Write her a note.
SPEAKER_00I'm gonna put it here, put it there, you know, all those different, you know, oh, she's gonna find it over here. And it was fun. And it's not like I wouldn't do that now. It's just that, man, it's you know, some of the ways I show love now is just because you're right.
SPEAKER_01We're in a different place in life, too. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Right. And so getting notes that say for always every single day can lose its luster. Right.
SPEAKER_01However, now when it when it happens, it's like it's like it really, yeah, it's sweet.
SPEAKER_00And I think something good to say about all of this too is if you're listening and you're like, ah, I don't okay, this is this isn't so much interesting for me. Understand this. There's been times where I'm like, you know, I am I showing her enough that I care. And it's helpful to go through these different um forms of love um or expression of love and say, maybe I should try this. And I because sometimes I think we just think like, okay, she knows I know, he knows I know.
SPEAKER_01Right. We don't have to talk about it.
SPEAKER_00Right, and we're good.
SPEAKER_01But then you find out you're not good.
SPEAKER_00If you're saying that if you're saying that to yourself, like, okay, she's good, I'm good, then you might want to like have a conversation. You might want to just put your arm around your spouse. You know what? Could you just give that a shot or say, hey, I want you to know sincerely I love you, or write out a full-blown something, because I think that we can get caught up with the stuff.
SPEAKER_01We do get really comfortable, we can get really comfortable and complacent um in just the day-to-day, like and honestly, so distracted.
SPEAKER_00Oh, absolutely. So distracted. I think everyone knows that distraction is sometimes like the biggest enemy of a of a relationship. For sure. Um, and then really the month the mundane responsibilities, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Where you wake up, it's not sexy. No, the fact that we have to reset and clean the kitchen every night, it's the least sexy thing. But I'm gonna tell you when you go in there after like I have had a really long day and I've been like juggling things around, and you go in there and you just load the dishwasher, I'm like, oh yeah. Like I can take a deep breath. That is love, but that leads to the next one.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Acts of service.
SPEAKER_00That's and that's my primary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We I mean, and I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, maybe.
SPEAKER_01Sorry, if you've got other thoughts.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no, no. I guess no, that is this let's talk about this one because acts of service is really I love whenever, like, when I there's been a few times, not a few times, several times, where it's you know, time to go to work, you know, all those things. And I'm like, I just gotta wake up and go. And then she's like, Ashley will say, Hey, your lunch is in the fridge or the coffee's made or something like that. And I'm like, There's just something in the old ticker.
SPEAKER_01Something in the old ticker.
SPEAKER_00That's just like it warms up, and I'm like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01She really loves me.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much. Or I come home and you have spent like, you know, the whole day just like making the house right.
SPEAKER_01Trying to make it smell good.
SPEAKER_00Right. And or you got the diffuser going, or whatever it is, and it's like, holy cow, like this is home. This feels right. And for me, that's like, oh, thank you. Like, I that is the best way for me to receive love.
SPEAKER_01I never, um, when I was younger, Acts of Service was like the lowest on my when I took the little, you can take a quiz, I think, on these.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you can.
SPEAKER_01And I remember Acts of Service was like the lowest when I was in my early 20s.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And now it's probably pretty high for me.
SPEAKER_00I would, I would think for a lot of people in our So that's another thing too.
SPEAKER_01Like, I feel like with these expressions of love, I think in different times it can um it can change and shift. Oh, I think so. So now now, like the older that we are, our kids are growing, you know, we're just kind of in the thick of raising, raising our kids. And so acts of service goes a really long way for me now. Whereas before it it didn't necessarily like, I was like, just tell me, tell me I'm pretty. Right. Tell me I'm pretty. Tell me I'm pretty and give me a promise ring. Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00That's funny. No, I but I and I think this goes even beyond uh the marriage relationship. I think even family and family. Yeah, family and friends, you can do this with people in this way.
SPEAKER_01Your kids even.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01There is actually a book about love language for kids. I think I haven't read it.
SPEAKER_00A lot of adaptations of this, which I hadn't read any of those either. Yeah. But I mean the primarily these are these are really good foundational um expressions, I think. Acts of service is really key for me. And I think whenever I don't know, whenever you start realizing like, man, things are are dropping to the side or this is getting out of order and I I don't have time to do it, that's when again the neglect side comes out. So it's almost like whenever whenever someone primarily receives love in one way, if they're not, that's it's highly likely that they're thinking, like, uh, what's the problem? Right. Because you know what I mean? So it's the opposite that can happen when when they're not receiving love the way that they receive it primarily. Uh what what's the third one?
SPEAKER_01Receiving gifts.
SPEAKER_00I had a hard time with this one forever. Even when we did. You remember this?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Which you you that is one way that you I do receive love through gifts. Yeah, you do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I know that it's not it's not materialism. It's well, and that's what's hard for me. Is it like it feels like it is. Yeah. You know? Well, how would you express like what is it whenever you receive a gift from somebody that you're like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01Again, it goes back to something similar, like even with words of affirmation. It's like they took the time to think this through and they like they really tried to consider me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And um it's just so thoughtful. Like to me, that is just such a thoughtful thing that they took the the amount of time it takes to plan something like that or put something together that's really personal.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um that means a lot to me. I just to have that much thought in someone's mind or you know, space in someone's mind that they would do that. That just that means a lot. And I like I said, I'm a girl who celebrates a birthday all month long. So sprinkle those gifts throughout the whole month of November.
SPEAKER_00Pepper pepper those gifts all.
SPEAKER_01But yeah.
SPEAKER_00I there was a um, so I work as a nurse primarily, and there was a time I was working ICU. It was during the whole COVID thing, and but it was toward the end where uh family was able to start coming back in. And I was taking care of a of a guy, and uh um his wife was there by his bedside. It honestly was not going very well, and it was really tough, but um it it was getting to a point where he could be cared for outside of the ICU. And she came in one shift, and uh, she had for me a um a carving from Africa that she had received. Do you remember this? There was a keychain that that she made as a keychain, and she gave it to me, and she took a moment to just say, like, I want you to understand how much I appreciate the way that you've treated my husband. Wow. And um it didn't go unnoticed, and all of these things. And that was one of and I won't say it's the only time, because I think again, everybody receives love in these ways, but it's just what's what's your primary way of of receiving love? But this was one one time that I was it was totally unexpected. Yeah, it was heartfelt, it was personal, it was um real. Yeah, it was the gift was given along with like a hey, here's why. And I thought of you because of this. And it was like, holy cow. Yeah. That was one and and and there's many people that you and I could probably talk through who who does this much better than I do. I'm not a good, I'm not good at giving gifts, I'm not good at it. But it was one time that I was like, you know, I've never felt loved that way, especially in in our profession of you know, nursing, where someone really notices what I did and why, and notices that that I cared. Yeah. It was so That's powerful. Yeah, it was. Yeah. And it's something I still hold on to that thing. And there's part of me that's nervous because I'm like, you know, what kind of voodoo is in this? But at the same time, I'm like, there's too much good. I feel like that came out of that. So I I don't know. I guess even if you're not somebody who receives gifts very well or you know, puts a lot of value in it.
SPEAKER_01Recognizing I think recognizing what the other person has done to present it to you is massive. Like I think it's huge.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um a way of maybe changing your perspective on oh, I don't really receive love this way, so whatever.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Like yeah. Or I don't show it this way. That's just not how I show. You know how that is? Oh, here we go. Insert soapbox.
SPEAKER_01Okay, go on, stop.
SPEAKER_00Here it is, is I think so often we're like, well, that's just not how I show love.
SPEAKER_01Or that's just not how I am.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that and we've you've heard us talk through this a little bit.
SPEAKER_01That was on the red flag edition.
SPEAKER_00Yes. If you want to skip a few back to that, but it's true. Like, if that's just how I am, or that's not how I show love, listen, part of marriage, part of good relationships is sacrifice. Sometimes showing love in the way the person that you um are with receives love is part of that sacrifice, even though it's uncomfortable for you to maybe like, hey, how do I figure out you know the right kind of gift? Figure it out. Right. The whole point is that you're trying to show someone that you really care.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And how can you do that best?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay, what's the next one?
SPEAKER_01Quality time. Man.
SPEAKER_00What do you think of it?
SPEAKER_01Quality time. So this one, uh again, I I took this a long, long time ago. So I know things have shifted and changed. Quality time is a big one for me. Um, undivided attention. Um not just being in the same room, but like being present with one another.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um that one, that one I think is really important, but I also think that is one that suffers a lot um through distraction and through just different times of your life and jobs and careers and kids and um family and all of that, like you throw that into the mix. And I find like even you and I we struggle to have quality time because of the pace of life. And so we have to be really intentional to have it. Um, that one is still pretty high on the list for me, but I also um I've also learned to not like put all my eggs in that basket, if that makes sense. Like we I I feel like it's been really important for us to like go with I hate this saying, go with the flow of life, of like what we're doing. Like there are times. Times where we have more energy that we can put towards quality time.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01There are times where we have more energy that we can put towards acts of service, you know, or receiving gifts or whatever, like words of affirmation, you just have to be intentional. Like that can happen whenever. For sure. But um with quality time, we had a lot more when we were younger. Right. When we didn't have kids.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01And in a lot of ways, I feel like maybe we took some of that for granted. Because now we are we're busy and like I said, in the thick of raising young kids. And it's like, man, if I could just get one date night or not even a date night, but just like an uninterrupted conversation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01To have your attention. You know, like that that goes super far.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I think too, it's the the emphasis is on quality, I think, on that, because you could have time, but if you are just in the same room when we're on your phone, or if every night, which one of our kids do this, they always want a movie night. Yeah. If every night that you have is a movie night, I mean, how much of that is quality? Is it is there there are people who walk into a room or you get engaged with in conversation and you feel like you're the most important person in the room. Those are people who probably speak quality time really fluently. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Because they they just know how to engage with you and they know how to make the most out of the moments. And I think that's what this um expression of love is really about.
SPEAKER_01Where I love that, making the person feel like the most important person in the room. Love that.
SPEAKER_00It and it's and it's not it's not always comfortable because I don't know.
SPEAKER_01It's a sacrifice. It is like what we talked about. Like it's you are you're laying aside your own comforts to serve another.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And then and honestly, each of these are that. You're right. Totally. Each of these are like, hey, I'm gonna take a moment to affirm you with my words. Yeah. I'm going to I'm gonna put some work into something that has nothing to do with me. Right. For for someone else. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I'm gonna I'm gonna put thought and value into something I'm gonna give someone else. You know what I mean? And then in this one, my time is precious. If you don't know, you don't get it back. It look, if someone wastes my time, I am furious.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you are.
SPEAKER_00It drives me crazy and it and it bugs me. Especially when they don't, you know, when they don't have something to say and they keep on saying it. Holy cow. That's self-awareness. Drives me nuts. Just stop. Okay. So box. Yeah, I apologize. However, quality time takes um emphasizing the quality. Really. I agree. Yeah. Ask good questions. Be a good listener. Um slow down.
SPEAKER_01Slow down.
SPEAKER_00Here's the one. Be interruptible. I think that's one that I think I I've learned, but I haven't applied very well. Be interruptible. Well, if someone needs you, just be there. You know? I think that's really key. But yeah, that's a really good expression of love. And I think everybody would benefit from quality time. For sure. But some people are like, why don't you spend time with me? And then it turns sour and they don't know that that you really love them.
SPEAKER_01So last one.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. Physical touch. Physical touch.
SPEAKER_01Holding hands.
SPEAKER_00And this is guys, chill out for a second. Do you know what I'm saying? I do. Calm down.
SPEAKER_01Like it it doesn't always have to lead to that.
SPEAKER_00It doesn't end that way every time. It doesn't have to. Um your thoughts on physical touch.
SPEAKER_01I go through, guess the word. Seasons.
SPEAKER_00Oh boy. Phases. Phases.
SPEAKER_01Let's say phases. I do. I go through phases where um I I would like more physical touch, and then I have times where I'm just like, meh, I'm good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they got this is true of all of these, isn't it? It seems like these days. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I th I for me a physical touch has never been like a a major thing. I can't say that it was ever like the primary.
SPEAKER_01We also, like when we dated, I do remember, I think we just we saw a lot.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And we had some friends in our lives, and even people that weren't really necessarily our friends. We'd watch couples.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And just how over the top they were on top of each other all the time just kind of made us want to gag. And so we were like, let's not be like that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And we set that up pretty early.
SPEAKER_01We really did. So like we had certain, like we would hold hands when we were in the car. I remember like the first time we held hands in the car, and I was like, oh my gosh. Oh but like at church, like when we went to youth group together, and we were just, I I wanted to sit by you, but I I knew that we both were just like, let's not make a big deal about like, yeah, I'm gonna put my arm around you or I'm gonna put my hand on your thigh. Like I remember our youth pastor being like, leave room for Jesus. Yeah, that's true. I remember that too. Um, but you know, as we've grown older and gone through lots of different phases in life and everything, I think um it's it's crazy, but just like a hand on the back or grabbing my hand, or you know, those like those things go a long way. And like I said, it's it just depends. Like there are times when I don't necessarily feel like I need that, but when it happens, I really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, and I think each of these, whenever something happens like this, you are saying something. If you're affirming someone with your words or doing, you know, an act of service or any of these, you're always saying something. And I'll never forget the episode of home improvement. Do you remember?
SPEAKER_01I don't know if you're if which one you I loved home improvement, but I don't know what episode you're doing.
SPEAKER_00So this is one where Jill, which is the wife character, um, is upset with Tim because there is this female guest character who he is uh he says unknowingly basically flirting with. Uh-huh. And there's there's a scene where he placed his hand on the small of her back.
SPEAKER_01Oh no. Which that's the no zone.
SPEAKER_00That's a no-no. And it's you should not be doing that, especially if you get that ring on the finger. Don't don't be dumb. But he was naive, naive to what he was doing, uh-huh, or at least he's playing it off that way. I can't remember which way, honestly. However, he was just like guiding her, like, hey, we're gonna go in here, like, oh hey, come and look, take a look at this. And it was just the natural, that's what he did. And he didn't think two things of it, or at least that's how it plays out. And so Jill notices it. Oh, yeah, like yes, she did, and she's one which she's fun, man. If you've never watched the show, it's a great, it's a great sitcom, but uh from the 90s, by the way. But uh, but he he gets confronted by Jill, and then they have this conversation, and it's about basically like physical touch is a way to show somebody that you like attracted or whatever. So it's funny. The last scene, he's back with that that guest character, and he shows her out to wherever they're going. About he's about to place the hand on the smaller back, and then he does like this throws his hands up in the air. What do I do with my hands? It's so funny. But I will say this about all of these things. Not only is it good for us to recognize like how we can show someone affection uh and do so like you know, appropriately for your spouse, but it's also you gotta be aware, like these are ways that people receive affection.
SPEAKER_01Totally.
SPEAKER_00So if you are over the top with like your words of affirming somebody, you might be speaking a language you don't even know. And they might be like, Oh, they l they must think a certain way of me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Married or not, by the way.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Uh it doesn't matter. Some people are just like, I just need love, and they're not receiving it. And so they'll find it anywhere they can. So just be aware. Like your physical touch, that little touch on the arm, that you know what I mean? Those speak a lot louder for some people than others. Right. And you need to be aware, like there are some lines that should be drawn. And uh, yeah, any any thoughts as we're no, I think I think like I think you're totally right.
SPEAKER_01I again, different phases of life, these are gonna, you like this phrase that I use, ebb and flow.
SPEAKER_00Oh the ebbs and flows.
SPEAKER_01The ebbs and flows. Um, but you're right. Like, I think again, going back to this word, I feel like we say it almost in every episode, but like self-awareness.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we gotta be self-aware.
SPEAKER_01Self-awareness and then awareness of the room, awareness of your your environment, your the people that you're around. And these like aren't just for marriage, these are for all types of relationships, whether that be friendship, whether that be with your kids or with your family, um, these can serve you in a lot of different ways.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, okay, so as we're coming in for a landing on this, just be aware that you may have a love language and or maybe just a way that you more prominently receive love than others. And it's worth trying to understand. It's worth more so even trying to understand how others receive love. And these are just really good frameworks on how that might that might happen for some people. There's other ways too, but these these are five really good, solid foundational ways. Uh, and if you're interested in reading more, you can definitely find it's I think it's Gary Chapman. Uh, you can find his book online.
SPEAKER_01You can find studies online that's really neat. Oh, yeah. There's all kinds of resources out there that go with this.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. But honestly, the best, the best thing I think you can do is, hey, talk to your spouse or your friends, even, even your family, say, hey, what's your love language? Like, how do you receive love? And there could be a really great conversation out of all of that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. All right, rapid fire.
SPEAKER_00Rapid fire. Let's hear it.
SPEAKER_01It's my favorite way. All right. Would you rather lose your sight, hearing, or taste?
SPEAKER_00Oh, geez. Okay, rapid fire. Uh hearing.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00I would I think I I could I could work through my eyes the most. And I want I love seeing things. I love being and I'm thinking, I don't know why I immediately started thinking about like vacations. But vacations are really great whenever I can like see the sights and you know, see the art or see the architect architecture. Um, but man, music though.
SPEAKER_01I know that's where I'm like, oh, I just don't know.
SPEAKER_00But then I I want to taste the foods and everything too. But you know what? I'm I'm gonna stick with hearing. What's what's yeah, what's what's your answer?
SPEAKER_01Um I feel like with man, I don't even know. Uh I think I might go hearing as well. There's still a way to communicate.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um there's still, I don't know, the music. That's that's the one that gets me. I I do love music. Maybe I would choose taste.
SPEAKER_00That's where I was about to go that way too. Because then you can eat like all of the kale that you want. It's doesn't matter. No one's gonna, you know what I mean? I'm not gonna be upset about it. You're not gonna be upset about it. That's true.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I'm changing my answer to taste.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're both going taste.
SPEAKER_01We're going on the same page.
SPEAKER_00You know what I mean? We're both gonna have tasteless lives forever now. There it is. And that's okay.
SPEAKER_01That's all right. We can still hear really good music and see really beautiful things.
SPEAKER_00And I see you.
SPEAKER_01Oh boy.
SPEAKER_00Oh boy. On that note, on that note, thanks for joining us in this episode. We'll see you next time.
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