Between Us with Nick and Ashlee
Two millennial lovebirds hitting their forties, parenting hoodlums, and sharing honest successes and failures. Join Nick and Ashlee as they discuss relationships, marriage, and the reality of embracing the aging process.
Nick and Ashlee are high school sweethearts that have been married for 20 years. They have four children and a dog (Ashlee's dog). They've been active in the Church since they were teenagers and still serve regularly. After many years of watching relationships break down around them, they have a passion to lead the conversation in managing healthy relationships and lifestyles.
Between Us with Nick and Ashlee
Parenting (Part 1) - #010
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How do kids change a marriage? In this episode, we share about our journey to becoming parents, unpack the shift in roles, connection, and communication that comes with parenting. We are only scratching the surface of this topic, so stay tuned for the next episode!
Hey, I'm Nick.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Ashley. And this is Between Us. Alright, so I was on my walk the other day and I do a lot of reflecting when I'm on my walk.
SPEAKER_02That's your time.
SPEAKER_01It's my time. It's my favorite part of the day.
SPEAKER_02So much stepping away like that.
SPEAKER_01You get a a walk selfie every time I'm out there.
SPEAKER_02Basically every time. And it's not it's almost like, hey, guess where you're not? That's what it feels like sometimes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, okay. So I'm walking, reflecting, living my best life, sun in my eyeballs. Yes. You know, just taking in the breeze. Yeah. And I got to thinking about just something that my parents did when I was growing up. They always we we always had music.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We always had music on in the house. And my parents, they like introduced me to all types of genres of music. And I'm talking like bluegrass.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, country music, southern gospel, all the way to rock. My dad was yeah. My mom is more of like the bluegrass side of things, and then my my dad, he's like hard rock, like Kiss, Aerosmith, you know, like and then just all that classic rock. And then I had a brother who was really into like hip-hop and RB and which I love. Which is true.
SPEAKER_02I never thought about it.
SPEAKER_01My my other brother, he went through several phases of music. He loves country, right? Like old, like classic country.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, then like Hank Williams.
SPEAKER_01But then he like went through a hairband phase because he had the hair and all of that. And um, but yeah, like so. I was just exposed to all types of music. And I so appreciate that. And so I was just on my walk the other day thinking about that, and I'm like, they gave me that, you know, growing up, that was like I had music all the time, and it's just it's such a bright spot uh of sunshine in my life. And so I was just wondering like, what was something that your parents gave you or instilled in you, you know, anything like that, yeah, like growing up?
SPEAKER_02Well, as you know, and not maybe I don't know how many people listening will know this, but I've moved a lot. Yes, and um, I think we're plus 30 uh moves, and I'm not even kidding. Like that's a real number. I think that is the real number. It's it's I think low 30 times of moving in my life from a house to another house or living space, at least uh for you know a certain period of time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you guys like remodeled houses, yeah.
SPEAKER_02We would flip homes, yeah. It was kind of like we buy it, we live in it, we fix it, and then we do it again. And it wasn't all the time like that. There was long longest place I've ever lived anywhere was for four years, uh Grant Street. And um, but with all of that, what was neat was all of these um flippings or you know, remodeling, I I had a chance to learn a lot.
SPEAKER_01You actually did learn a lot because you've since we've been married, like you've done a lot of projects that cost a lot of money to do some.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And it's it's been neat because that's that's what I think. And I mean, there's more you get to choose like something fun like music. And it but working was actually kind of fun. I like looking back and seeing what I was able to accomplish and what we did was really neat. We'll drive around different places, say, oh, you remember when we did this house or that house or whatever? And uh so now it's it's kind of neat to know like I can handle my own a little bit. And so I won't say just work ethic, but I will say just a uh I'm not afraid to tackle any kind of project, whether it's manual labor or hey, do you think you can do this? Sure, let's give it a shot.
SPEAKER_01Like that's you you can do the manual labor side and then you can go over here and do like the website stuff or whatever. Like there's yeah, that yeah, you get to work both sides of your brain.
SPEAKER_02It's been really neat. I I think that really is just a it passed down from from my parents and I'm just watching them say, like, hey, we've never built an entire house on our own. Let's just figure it out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That was crazy when you think about it. While they have you know three kids in the in the house, that was wild. Uh so yeah, I think I mean I'm I definitely appreciate that because it's not just saved us money, but you know, I I I pride my myself in being able to do some stuff.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh but yeah, definitely something that doesn't happen in a lot of families. Or I mean, you know, that's not the normal.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02So it's uh it's really, really cool.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we we had like opposite experiences. So you moved a lot. Right. I grew up in the same house my entire life.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So then when we got married, I told you.
SPEAKER_02You were like, hey, just so you know, I'm likely to move. We're gonna move a lot. Yeah, that's just what I know.
SPEAKER_01And we have a the track record to prove it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm I'm not sure. I think the longest place you and I've lived like post-marriage is maybe two years in the same place. Yeah. Well, maybe we're I mean, it's where we're at now. Yeah, that's wild. That's kind of crazy. And well, yeah, anyways. Well, I mean, that's parent that I mean becoming a parent and trying to figure out how life goes, but there's different ways to do things.
SPEAKER_00And uh And that's what we want to talk about today.
SPEAKER_02We're gonna start a single-talk about parenting. Yeah, it's time in marriage. It's time parenting. It's important because I think even before you approach any kind of relationship, uh, you're gonna be dealing with those people's parent parents regardless. Uh their parents are gonna come out through them in so many ways. Yeah, and then uh especially if you're gonna get married to somebody, you better know who their parents are. Because you know, it could be good or it could be terrible, it could be bad, you never know. Or both, really. Most of the time it's both, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01I yeah, I don't know. I don't I think it just depends. It depends on the people, it depends on the willingness to uh work on a relationship, yeah, uh set boundaries, honor boundaries. I mean it's it it can be a beautiful thing, I think.
SPEAKER_02Um I I you hear the horror stories. Oh gosh, everyone's like, oh, the in-laws, you know, let's calm down for a second.
SPEAKER_01It it doesn't have to be that way. No, and um I think I don't know. I I don't like those stereotypes. Um do I know that that can be real? Yes, yeah, I am aware, but I just don't love the stereotypes, and it's the same like with kids when they're like people are like, oh, you just wait until they turn this age, or you just wait until and I'm like, okay, hold on.
SPEAKER_02No, let's calm down.
SPEAKER_01Like, I don't want to speak that over my kids. So I don't really want you to do that either.
SPEAKER_02I think it's just like it. It's the easy thing to kind of say in a conversation nowadays because it's just like, oh, here come the terrible twos or the this, that, and the other threes, or whatever.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it's and and at this point, I'm like, I don't think I'm seeing like a consistent track. I I I don't mind, I'll say that myself sometimes. I'll be like, oh boy, they're this way. But really, it's just like in conversation setting, it's easier just to say that if we're honest. But I mean, some kids are great when they're two. Some kids are great when they're three, four, five, and six, and then they're great forever, you know? Yeah. Then some kids are like you want to find your hair out. Yeah. I think that's important. Like on the front end, yeah. We want to treat this a couple like more than one episode. You're not gonna we don't even know everything about parenting at all. Like I mean, we're still learning, but so this is gonna be a multiple episode kind of thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But and also the way we do things doesn't work for everybody. But we figured we would talk through, you know, some thoughts and ideas. Let's lay the groundwork and then hopefully we can touch base like on some of the specifics as we go. So yeah. Um, I think a good way to to maybe start is this question right here. What surprised you most about becoming parents?
SPEAKER_01Um, this could be funny, a funny answer. This is the first thing that popped into my mind, how tired you're gonna be. Ooh, that's true. I didn't realize how not just physically tired in the early years, you know, like when you're losing sleep, you have newborns, you have newborns and toddlers, and they literally just they they take up so much of your mental and physical energy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um but I think I was the most surprised about that. Like just how tired I was. And it's it it goes in, you know, seasons. I know you love that word. Um I do, I say every time. But I I think, yeah. Also, can I just say this? Like, how you're not you're not allowed to be selfish. I was a little surprised about that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, I well let's be let's call it out. Some I've some parents are and there's been times where I am the one who's like, well, yeah, we all, we all right.
SPEAKER_01Come on now. Yeah, but you you just can't like it's not about you. Yeah. And that was kind of a hard realization for me too at first. Like I I wasn't expecting, I mean, obviously, you know, you know it, but you don't really know it until you start living it, and then you have to like die to yourself daily.
SPEAKER_02I think that is a major eye. That's a great one because the thing is, is that you let's think about it, you're coming out of a um uh out of a home where your food's provided for you, the the shelters provided for you, and you have clothes and you have you know insurance, you have medical, every all that stuff is taken care of. Then you find someone you in or in love, and you guys are a boyfriend, girlfriend, you guys kiss and hug.
SPEAKER_01You're the most optimistic people in the whole world.
SPEAKER_02Yes, we're gonna wake up together every morning and just skip together down the hole just because, and then and then you have a a child and it's on its way and you think this is gonna be the best.
SPEAKER_01All the prep work.
SPEAKER_02Yes, you're like, let's make a baby room and let's make and it's fun.
SPEAKER_01Hear me like that whole adventure, yes, it is, is so fun, and it it's it's so like it is a time where you really do like grow together, you bond and and all of that, but like because you're working on that together, knowing that you're gonna welcome this life into your right, into your world. Yes. Um, especially like if you've struggled or you know, if it if you've had any issues at all. Oh, well, yeah, for sure. And then you get to have this experience. It's just such a blessing. And so it's exciting.
SPEAKER_02It is.
SPEAKER_01So we don't want to like downplay it. It's not a downplay, it's more like you do get like this euphoric, like oh boy, here this is gonna be the best.
SPEAKER_02I'll stay up all hours.
SPEAKER_01Perfect, and it's all gonna be the way I want it to be, and it's just not that way, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Because and and like you said, you just get tired. Yeah, you're so tired. And that's how at Lisa was for us, especially with our first one.
SPEAKER_01It it was like, my good lord, well, you have to consider where we were at. Nick was working on two jobs. I was working two jobs, and you were also in nursing school, like the thick of nursing school where you're doing clinicals and all of that.
SPEAKER_02It was a lot. And then we had a newborn, yeah. That's and honestly, there was stuff that we had gone through already as far as um, you know, our parenting journey, if you will.
SPEAKER_01We had a really difficult time um starting a family, and I had a lot of uh infertility issues and just had a lot of stuff going on. And so when we got to a point where, you know, we had our first child full term, well, well, almost full term. He was a little early. Yeah. Um, it was, I mean, it's a miracle. A miracle in and of itself that we have four children that I can sit here and say, like they are here, four children, that we have a miracle gift from God because everything stacked against me saying that I shouldn't have had kids, my body shouldn't have been able to do what it did. Yeah. So I only give God credit for that. That was that's all Him.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. And I think that you know, when you have a child, especially after going through the struggle, and I think we'll spend some time talking about that a little bit too, but um, but whenever you have your first child and you are experiencing these things for the first time, there's a lot of questions, there's a lot of doubt, there's a lot of excitement, and that is part of the tiring thing, not just because the kid doesn't sleep or wants to wake up every three hours. It's it's also because you're so you're constantly questioning yourself.
SPEAKER_01You don't know what you're doing.
SPEAKER_02Well, and it just it goes to show, like we talked a little bit before, we were never shown how to do this. No, but I don't think you can be shown how to do this.
SPEAKER_01No, and I also had this, I don't know if any other woman is like this, but I had this in my mind that I should know. I should just have that. I believe in instinct. I believe in that motherly instinct, you know, that nurturing, like how God has wired us women.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I believe in that. But there was, I almost had this unhealthy view of it. Like I expected myself to know all of these things. And then when I didn't, I came crashing and burning down. Like I I got so hard on myself because of things that I didn't, I thought I should know. I should know this. This should just come naturally. Um, news flash. Some of it does not come naturally.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, and and I mean for some. And it's okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it doesn't make you a bad mom.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. And then let me say this not just for the dads, but even for the moms, if if if this applies. But for me, my first problem with having a child was um I I didn't connect with them at all. We talked about this a little bit before. I remember going like to the altar, like, I don't connect with my child, I don't even know how this works. Yeah. And I don't understand, like, what are you what are we talking about? Like, he doesn't know who I am. And I'm like, I don't even know if I love this kid. It was tough.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it was so it bothered me so much. But for me, once once um our firstborn was he uh reached um, you know, about like one year old.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Mark, it was so different for me. Like different lights started flashing on, like I started noticing and appreciating things that I hadn't before. And I started seeing like my role kind of expand and you know, the needs you had, I was able to provide. And then I started realizing like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And this is how we're supposed to, you know, uh, not just teamwork, but you know, we're we're we're I'm a father now. Like this is part of my responsibility. I'm supposed to lead this kid and teach this kid. There was so much that was like, um, whether it was a sermon that was preached or someone said something, or I saw something at a restaurant with a dad involved, I'm like, okay, now I kind of see more like where this is, and the connection started happening a lot more. So it's that's another point where that's unexpected for me, like becoming a parent, is there's it it almost exposes more about me again and what I'm capable of and also what I have no clue about.
SPEAKER_01Right, I I was just sitting here thinking, like, I remember all of those times I felt like I wasn't doing good enough. But then I also remember the moments where it did come naturally, and I I did respond, I did have that instinct, and that shocked me when it happened. I was I just like after the fact, I'd be like, Oh, like okay, I I can do this, we can do this together. Like um, it there was just so much to learn, so much to learn so fast.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And um looking back, gosh, I just wish I would have given myself a little bit more grace, but you just don't know what you don't know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you're trying to figure it out. I know we've said that a lot on this show about like we are just trying to figure it out. That is the truth in every different phase of life, whether that be a new relationship, new marriage, just becoming a parent, teenager, uh, having adult children, like you are literally just trying to figure this out as you go. Absolutely. And you can't you have to um you can't be too hard on yourself in the moments. I'm not saying don't hold yourself accountable. That's not what I'm saying, but try not to be so hard on yourself when you get it wrong. It's just get back up and try again.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and try to get it, you know.
SPEAKER_01Um but that was something surprising to me too, was the times that I did get it right and I felt like, okay, this is what I was made for.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And that was really, really cool.
SPEAKER_02There's a good um transition, I think, here. What what do you think about life? Or I'm sorry, not just li marriage, but life as well. Um, before kids and after kids.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. We had all the time in the world on our hands. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we worked full-time. You were in school, we did the things.
SPEAKER_02But I mean, whenever whenever we weren't doing those things, we did whatever we wanted. Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01We went to movies all the time.
SPEAKER_02There's this great uh bit by Jim Gaffigan where I think it's him, where he's talking about that that vacation, that mini vacation you get, where you shut the car door, the kids are in the van, and you just get the walk around to the other side of the driver.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and you're just like, this is amazing.
SPEAKER_01This is it.
SPEAKER_02But like before yeah, before kids, it was almost like there was no, you know, there's no car seats. There's no whatever we want. You don't have six backpacks you have to get, you know.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_02It's just like your free time is literally free time. And you can just fill out however you want to fill it. Yeah. Let's watch a show that's, you know.
SPEAKER_01We've always been very spontaneous. Yeah. That's so if we wanted to go on a trip, we'd figure it out and go go on a trip.
SPEAKER_02Like in the how much do you think has that changed since we've had kids as far as far as the spontaneity?
SPEAKER_01Uh that is one thing I think we've tried to continue to be.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01As but it's morphed over time. Like it's not as like frequent.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's fine. I feel like you and I have grown it to a really appreciate um structure and organization because when those like systems are in place, we can really enjoy ourselves with our kids. And it almost creates moments for spontaneity and things like that. Um but uh yeah, I think we've grown a lot just in a lot in that department. Uh you know, I remember my mom, she would tell me, one kid, you're good. You just you can still go do what you want for the most part. And they can you just take them along with you. And that was very true for me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01My son went everywhere with me.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_01And he was like my little buddy. I mean, we just that was it. And then she said, now when you have two, you have to be a little bit more organized. She was totally right about that. Cause then I'm outnumbered. So when I'm I'm out by myself and I've got two kids, and one of them hates their car seat, aka the newborn. Right. Then the other one is just over there singing his little heart out, playing with his Hot Wheels. You know, I I have to be prepared to really be interrupted and to change my plans. Right. You know, like again, it's you you're constantly dying to yourself, like because it's not about you.
SPEAKER_00Oh, for sure. For sure.
SPEAKER_01And then she's like, when you get past that, you got it, you really do have to work on your systems. And she was totally right. Like, I'm I'm I'm here to say, mom, you were right.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's that's for sure. And it's interesting because I think you're right. Like you and I were good at spontaneity, like we enjoy just like, hey, let's just go do this together. We I think we tried to do that now, but it's almost like almost like planned spontaneity anymore. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What's interesting is there is definitely a little more structure around it.
SPEAKER_02And as as your children get older too, like I I mean in like the young kid stages, you want them to experience things. Yes. But what's been tough for me is like, yeah, you do want them to experience things. Uh I've fought with as long as it doesn't get in my way.
SPEAKER_00Oh.
SPEAKER_02And it's just it's hard to say, but it's honest. I'm being real right now because it's, I mean, I'm still a human being too. Yeah. And I want stuff. And I want my time for me. And that has been like a massive struggle. And it's a constant, you know, die to yourself thing. It's not just, okay, we figured it out, now we're good. I think that um being able to say, like the spontaneity is almost any more like, okay, I'm gonna choose to, you know, let you go sign up for baseball for the fall, or I'm gonna choose to um, you know, instead of just staying in tonight, I'll take you to the park.
SPEAKER_01Or go to the skate park. They always like to go to the skate park, yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And and it's and it's like that that's that's not easy.
SPEAKER_01No, it's especially when it's not something you want to do.
SPEAKER_02No, when you're like, I just want to be home. I want to I want to talk to my spouse.
SPEAKER_01An uninterrupted conversation every once in a while.
SPEAKER_02Would be nice, yeah. But it and so I I don't know, something that um it's become a little bit more logistical, where you have to like structure out your time and even structure out like when when are we gonna have a chance just to let them, you know, just do what they do. Exactly. Even if that's a daily thing or maybe more so realistically, like a weekly thing. Yeah. How can we like you know build in that time where they know they're gonna have a chance to do what they want to do? Uh and that was definitely not the case before kids. We just did whatever we wanted.
SPEAKER_01Whatever we wanted.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, just jump in the car and just go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's it's not like hey, you wanna you wanna go to Chicago? Let's just hop in the car. Let's go to Chicago, walk around the city. Like now we're like, okay, now we really have to think this through.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It's it's difficult. I mean, but what's neat is you start you start valuing the time that you have. It's true. In the midst of all of the new things, whether you have one kid, two kids, you know, 18 kids. Yeah. You you realize, like, you know, those moments, those glances, the you know, sitting in the couch on the couch next to each other. And that's not what's neat is it doesn't just Happen with you with us now. It's with all of our kids. Yeah. So now it's like that's another surprising thing, really. I mean, love is amazing. And it's obviously it's got to be from God because it doesn't make any sense for us to do this. It doesn't make sense for me to sacrifice my desires for you or for any of my kids, but I love you guys. And that's the truth.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02What is surprising is I love the kid that took my sleep away, you know? I love the kid that took my spontaneity away. And it's something I want them to enjoy the life. And um, but that that was that took me by surprise. How much it's like how much uh love is possible.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I was gonna say I I didn't know I could love in that in that depth, like in that way, right? You know, that that visceral response even of love. Like, um and I want to see, like you you just kind of mentioned this a little bit, like with the memories and stuff, like something that I have told myself for years since we've become parents, is like just slow down, don't miss the moments. And I've missed plenty of moments, like hear me.
SPEAKER_02Same here.
SPEAKER_01And but that is the one thing that like I keep coming back to is okay, slow down. And I again I don't get it right all the time. I don't, but I'm so aware of it. And sometimes it drives me nuts that I'm so aware of it because I'm like, oh, I just you know, I get in my own head about it, but to slow down and see them, like really, really see them in the different phases of their life because like our kids range, like we have a four-year-old and a 13-year-old, and all the in-betweens, you know, uh seven and nine in between. And um it's you get to relive different phases through each kid, but it's a little bit different every time. But I was just telling your mom the other day how excited I was that we get to relive the Hot Wheels phase with our youngest.
SPEAKER_02That's my favorite phase, just so you know.
SPEAKER_01Our oldest, he loved Hot Wheels so much, and we have gotten to bust all of those back out and we get to it's different. It's different, it is different, but we get to relive that again. And that is like, I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, I'm so grateful that I get to see his face light up over some Hot Wheels. Like I know because I I remember when the first one did so it's really cool. But this slowing down long enough to take those, take those moments in and really like God ministers to me in that, like he really ministers to my heart in those times, and he corrects me in it too. Like, let's just be honest.
SPEAKER_02So well, uh and just like a side note, um, some of those Hot Wheels that we've kept forever are my Hot Wheels from when I was a kid.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And and for me, it's like, oh, I know exactly what you guys are experiencing right now. It's cool. And I show them all the fun games and ways you can do it. And we do now we have slow-mo on our iPhones, you know, so we're like, let's watch them crash in slow-mo, it's so much fun. Here was something too um was the role, um, assuming roles. Because I mean, becoming a husband and wife is one thing. Um, even when we became you know engaged like fiances uh from being boyfriend girlfriend, like those phases are interesting. But then once you have a child, now you got to learn oh, like you were parented by your father in one way, I was parented by my father in one way, you were parented by your mother in one way, I was parented by you know what I mean? Yeah, and now we have to figure out how am I how are we gonna do this? Yeah, how am I doing this and how are we doing this?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, coming to an agreement, a compromise of like how we're gonna handle certain situations, like discipline and like, oh boy, I'm telling you, it'll bring some stuff up.
SPEAKER_02It does bring stuff up. And let me say this we're 13 years into this parenting gig, and it's still tough.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it still brings stuff up from like our childhood.
SPEAKER_02Like oh my gosh. And now, my if my parents are listening, I had a great, I had a great childhood. And I mean this real, but not because they're just listening. If you weren't listening, it's the same, it's like it's the same deal. But um, but the fact is, is like if not everyone's gonna get it right. Right. And it's not always the parents' fault.
SPEAKER_01Again, I think if we can get this in our heads, they were doing the best that they knew with what they had.
SPEAKER_02Exactly.
SPEAKER_01And they were like experiencing this as well. Like what we're experiencing right now, they were experiencing it. Like they were trying to figure things out, and they came from different backgrounds, and they also had like all of these different voices speaking in, you know, to their world, and they were trying to shape and mold their own children.
SPEAKER_02Like it's yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot. I'll say becoming a dad on the front end, like I said, was such a um difficult thing for me, even to just realize that that's what was happening. Like I knew I had a child, uh, I knew how that happened. We, you know, I figured that part out. But now like I have to actually be one.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02That was like, oh man, I don't even know where to start. And I guess I'm just gonna, you know, I'll rock him to sleep. Is that okay? Like I'll wake up with you when you, you know, are awake. And then it became more of like a he's you know, he needs me to do something because you're not available, or um, I need you to do something because I don't know how to do it, or teach me how to do this because I'm not aware. And so then just oh slowly over time, I started figuring out okay, I if I just do this, then it's really helpful for you, and he's taken care of. And so I just started just okay, I'm gonna just do this.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you're gonna have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong. Like that's that's how I kind of did things. I don't know how you like I'm thinking of our firstborn, is what I'm thinking of.
SPEAKER_01Listen, I I really struggled postpartum after all of our children. Yeah. Um specifically the first and the fourth. Uh that I had a really hard time of like postpartum depression and anxiety and like crippling. Um I remember being afraid to leave the bedroom with our our oldest, um, just being afraid to even walk down the hallway. Like it was just and I didn't know I didn't know what was going on. I just felt I just felt crazy. I didn't feel right, you know, but and I didn't know how to express it either. I didn't know what was going on. Um, and so any any bit of like some of it feels like a blur, honestly. Um, but any time that you would step in and help in any way, I like I I just remember being like a puddle of tears a lot. Like it it there was there was just a lot. I struggled. But um yeah, it you do you just start doing it and it just things just start happening and you you I remember really frustrating conversations, you know, that we would have sometimes like in the heat of the moment, like you would have to calm me down and like it's just a whole thing. Like we we I think you get through it and you realize you get through it. And maybe it doesn't feel as heavy as it did, but like it's still very much a process, still very much there and a part of the story. Um, but yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I remember, especially for that first one, you're right, where you had a hard time, and and and I'm what comes to my mind is you know, walking into the bedroom and you're just having a hard time You were like not sure what to do with me. And and and I wasn't, and I'll be honest, just anybody who deals with postpartum uh depression, uh if if you're the if you're the husband on uh, you know, and you're noticing your spouse going through it, I prayer is a good one. Um, but just being as helpful as possible, not asking, hey, what's wrong with you with you?
SPEAKER_01Because I'm gonna tell you, she can't tell you.
SPEAKER_02She don't know.
SPEAKER_01There's so much wrong.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I I don't think that that's the best. Like for me, what I tried to do, and you tell me what I I remember about all this was like, I'm gonna go in and do everything I can to make this less stressful. Um, and I again I didn't get it right all the time. I mean, I was exhausted, you were exhausted, and we were just fumbling through whatever the day, the more so the evenings look like. And uh, but I I think anybody, even if it's not postpartum depression, if you're just struggling, like you see each other in a different, in a different light.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's not it's not a pretty package all wrapped up in a bow. Like you are undone. And your whole world is undone. Everything you knew before all of this is now different.
SPEAKER_02It's a lot more questions and a lot less answers.
SPEAKER_01And it's you know, I didn't feel like I had the answers. Like if you if he and you did, you tried, ever every once in a while you'd ask me, like, is is something wrong? Is it this? Is it that? And I would always like I felt like I wouldn't ever really know how to answer you. I just felt like I just just felt so much all the time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, overwhelmed and just feeling like I wasn't doing a good enough job or like I was gonna, I had a lot of fear too. Like there was definitely just so much fear in me. And I think a lot of it stemmed from the trauma of miscarriage and um just the difficult journey we had to have him. And then even after we had him, he had to go back into the hospital. So I had just a lot of that type of stuff um weighing on me, a lot of that fear. And I didn't know how to verbalize it or process it except for just crying a lot at the most random times. And you would sit with me, you would give me space, you you would change the diaper, you would help me help me feed him, you would try to. I think your presence of just your calm was the biggest gift, I think, at that time. And I didn't know how to tell you that, but you just you figured it out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, like it's it is a lot, it's a lot to process through. What what your life was is now different. And if you had any type of, you know, struggle going through it to get to that point, it it is it's a lot for your your brain and your body to process. And so yeah, you gotta give yourself a lot of grace.
SPEAKER_02I I think a really good um takeaway from like becoming a parent um is remembering your role as a husband and a wife doesn't change. Yeah. You still are the husband, you still are the wife. And becoming a dad and becoming a mom is an amazing thing, but if you let go of your other role as a husband or your role as a wife, then it's gonna be really, really hard.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So yeah, I think that you know, roles are roles change, you develop new roles, you figure it out as you're going, and it is a big, beautiful, messy process. And you just you gotta just make sure that you're doing it together. Yeah. Or it gets even worse. Um, but with that said, we're gonna spend more time on this our next episode. Um, but I believe it's time for some It's time for Rapid Fire. Rapid Fire. Let's hit it.
SPEAKER_01What was your favorite childhood movie?
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's a great question.
SPEAKER_01I know.
SPEAKER_02Favorite childhood movie. Man. Oh, this I want to do rapid fire. Oh gosh.
SPEAKER_01I know there's a lot to choose from.
SPEAKER_02I know, I'm I'm trying to think through. Do you have one?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I have a cluster of them.
SPEAKER_02Okay. What's can I can we say one of them?
SPEAKER_01Just say one of them.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Oh, okay. So I'll say one of mine. Okay. It's definitely Sandlot is up there.
SPEAKER_01I knew you were gonna say Sandlot. I was I was thinking you were either gonna say Sandlot or like little giants or something like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, little giants, I didn't like it. Well, I liked Sandlot's up there for sure.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02How about you?
SPEAKER_01Well, I was a Disney princess queen, okay.
SPEAKER_02But you come on.
SPEAKER_01No, I loved, loved, loved, loved Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, Little Mermaid, yeah, Cinderella, like Pocahontas. Come on.
SPEAKER_02I mean, all of those little musical style things. That's gotta be right.
SPEAKER_01Love your loved him, loved him. I do remember this movie, um, The Secret Garden.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, I know the secret garden.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, what about Indian in the Cupboard? Remember that one?
SPEAKER_01I do. Oh my gosh, I loved that movie.
SPEAKER_02So did I.
SPEAKER_01Those are good.
SPEAKER_02You know what? The other one is big. That was a more childhood like movie for me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's a good one too.
SPEAKER_02And then, oh man, and to watch our kids watch these movies is a lot.
SPEAKER_01We love showing them the classics.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01They've got to know.
SPEAKER_02You gotta know. They gotta know the good stuff.
SPEAKER_01I'm excited to continue this conversation.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and we need to, honestly. There's a lot to be discussed, and we would love your questions. Send us your questions, things that you know, what could we teach you guys, or what could you teach us? Could you teach us? Show us some ideas, and we'll get into more details as we go. But we're excited to share more on parenting next time.
SPEAKER_01We'll see you then.
SPEAKER_02Thanks for listening.
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