Parenting (Part 2) - #011

Parenting is a blessing, but it will cause moments of pressure. Let's talk about how we handle the challenges: Disagreements, decision fatigue, and reconciliation. It's Part TWO of Parenting.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

So something that you and I have started doing every week for the most part has been grilling out. Yeah. It's that time of year. And uh you know, I gotta be honest, like it's not even our grill. It's mom and dad's grill.

SPEAKER_04 0:34

They gave us a grill. Yeah. Thank God. I know because I love having a grill.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

So do I. And it's nice. We have this great back porch area screened in. It's nice. The weather's still pretty decent.

SPEAKER_04 0:46

The mornings and evenings are perfect right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I know. And what's nice is usually it's I don't know why we always it falls on a Thursday, sometimes a Wednesday.

SPEAKER_04 0:55

It's kind of how it falls in like my meal planning rotation. But I like to have Nick grill up a bunch of meat and then we have it like for the rest of the week. Right. We have multiple meals from it. So it just works out. And it does usually always happen on a Wednesday or Thursday.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

I don't know why that is. Oh, I think it's because you usually take the kids or you have a worship team practice or something like that. Yeah. And then and then I'm I'm I'm at home. I got the kids. I got my music going. It is a vibe. I love it.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

It's a whole vibe.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

I love it because they're all good. They're playing outside or whatever. So what's funny though, this past week, uh, I decided I was going to grill up the burgers. And you got plenty of burgers.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

I did.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

And I was excited because I'm like, we got to get this going. There's 12 patties.

SPEAKER_04 1:40

And it's I bought, I even bought like extra meat. I was like, you can grill up this chicken. I was so scared. You can grill up this.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

It was like, I'm gonna have an hour on the grill with my music.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

So you came out there, you sat with me for a bit, and uh I had all 12 patties all lined up, all you know, seasoned, everything. And I had put on this time because of how many patties there was. I I I put too much foil on the grate, like on the yeah, on the grate. And so I had turned it on and I was watching the temperature, and I'm like, why isn't this thing going up? And so I just I I turned off the the uh flame and then I turned it back on and to the ignition of it just like it exploded boom, and you lost arm hair. Oh my gosh, like my right arm from my hand all the way like just that was terrifying.

SPEAKER_04 2:30

I I saw it happen. So did I, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

I guess you did it.

SPEAKER_03 2:34

I was like, oh no, he's gonna die.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Oh my gosh, and it was so close to the house, too. Oh, it was so scary, but at the same time, I was like, that was awesome. Like it was it was crazy. I never had that.

SPEAKER_04 2:49

Too much pressure.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

There was, and there was all of that buildup just underneath it. And I mean, thankfully, everything worked out.

SPEAKER_04 2:56

Everybody really good burgers, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

They turned out it was really nice, and we have even some left over right now. And I just had one this morning, believe it or not. I don't know why I chose it for the morning, but I did.

SPEAKER_04 3:08

You know, burger and eggs.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

It was delicious. I don't know. What's your favorite breakfast, anyways?

SPEAKER_04 3:15

Oh, I like to do well, for me, I like to I like to do a lot of different bowls. So, like I love eggs. I could put an egg on just about anything and make it like super fancy.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Yeah, Red Robin did that to us.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

They did the whole egg on a burger thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:33

Um, and then other places started doing it. I don't know if Red Robin was like the the OG.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

It's the first time I ever had it, but yeah, yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

I was like, game changed, and it was the favorite. But like breakfast foods, we love breakfast. We've been enjoying early breakfast. Since we were dating. So um I like to I like to cook breakfast, but if I'm going out, I I don't know. It's hard for me to choose one thing. I like savory though. I am definitely savory. I'm more sweet, yeah. One of my favorite places to go to.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_04 4:07

Um, first watch.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Yeah, you like first watch.

SPEAKER_04 4:10

It's my fancy breakfast place, and I always get like their um farm farmer farmer's market ash. I don't even know if that's what it's called, but I yeah. It's all my favorite things in a bowl with a fried egg on top, and I'm a happy girl.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

And it's delicious. And you know what? They have great coffee too.

SPEAKER_04 4:25

Yes, their coffee is it's on it's on point.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Uh, but yeah, all of that happened just this weekend, and the pressure building up and the ignition happened, and arm hair gone. Right, life before my eyes kind of thing. And it got us thinking about this episode because we're gonna continue our episode on parenting. This is part two, and the pressure that built up there, and then the the reignition, all of that kind of pointed to what we're talking about on the on the front half, which is conflict and pressure points and parenting. Yeah, which uh Ashley and I, you know what? We both have had conflict. I know we're almost 20 years, 20 years in. You're gonna have some conflict. Yeah, and uh I was thinking about this a little bit. There has been probably more times than not where we have the the issue, whatever the issue is, and then we can't stand it.

SPEAKER_04 5:18

No, we don't like having an issue, we don't like having the riff between us, we don't like conflict going unresolved. It messes with both of us like a lot.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

But I was trying to think about what what has been some things over our years as parents that has caused some conflict between us. I was thinking about like I mean, initially I think it's just getting the things done.

SPEAKER_04 5:43

Yeah, I mean, your your day-to-day changes so much um from not being a parent to becoming a parent. The day-to-day actually changes a lot. And you have to factor in so many um, I mean, you're taking care of a human being all the way, like not even just a little bit. This human can't do anything for themselves. So you have to completely adjust your routines, your schedules, your whole life is different. And I think that for us that was hard. Um, you and I both are very independent. Like we we we're dreamers, we don't mind having to go off and do something on our own. It's not a big deal. Like we're very, we're very independent in that way. And so I think um for me, I'll just speak for me, like making assumptions and thinking that like you should have known something that I didn't I shouldn't have had to say or whatever, like that definitely was something that started to build up. And then also I didn't know how to ask. Like, I'm not great at asking for help, and I don't think you're very great at it either.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

No, you know I'm not. Yeah, thank you for that.

SPEAKER_04 6:55

So then, you know, you you just kind of get going in this rhythm, and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I so angry? Like, why do I feel like I'm doing everything or whatever? You know, like so it just builds up over time, and then the littlest thing can just set you off. And you're like, wait, now we're fighting. Wait a second. How did we get here? Yeah, exactly. Like, why am I so mad?

SPEAKER_00 7:15

Right. Well, and and I think that you're right with the independent style of living that you and I are both that way. I think along with that comes the whole people pleasing thing, and you don't I don't want to bother her or whatever. So you then you just put it on your shoulders, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_03 7:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

And what's wild is I think over time you see just how much you're doing, you ignore just how valuable the other person is and how much they are doing.

SPEAKER_03 7:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Um something, yeah. Something that I I think that we've done well over the years is um we've we've always tried to value what what other what the other person's doing. Yeah. Like when I was going to school, we talked about this school and you know, work and all the things. Well, you have a child at home and you also have the whole house to take care of. You also had your own job.

SPEAKER_04 8:02

Yeah, I was still doing, I'll call it kitchen hair at the time.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yeah. But I mean, but the thing is, is like all of those responsibilities and and the schedule and getting the house put in order and all those things, if it wasn't being done, it wasn't going to get done. So we both have had this really, I think fairly early on, we were able to say, like, sure, yes, I'm doing this, but I know that you're doing this.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

And it exactly. And that I think that's also clarifying just roles. And I know that that is some people get really bent out of shape when you start talking about that.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:35

And I to that I I I want to say again, it's not like why are you that way? But like what happened to you that made you feel that way so strongly about right roles in the home? Like what what actually what's going on, you know, on a deeper level there that makes you so against that. Um just I don't know, just an honest question to think about.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

I think it and it's and I think it's good. It's good to even tackle that.

SPEAKER_04 9:01

And I'm not saying that you're like, well, Ashley, you're the woman. Yeah, you gotta do this and you better do that. It is not like that. No, it is it's not like that. So this is how we've decided to set up our our home and how we're doing, you know. Yes, I've had little, I've had part-time jobs along the way, majority of the whole parenting, staying at home parent, working from home parent, all of that. Yeah. And you have had a job outside of the home doing different things, you know. So it's just naturally kind of happened that way for us, but we also agreed on it too.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:34

So I think again, coming back to the table and having conversation. Hey, is this still working?

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Right.

SPEAKER_04 9:40

Like But that your spouse is not gonna know unless you tell them, hey, I'm actually struggling in this right now. I know I've had that conversation with you. Like, yeah, I I've struggled not having like in-person connection, like outside of like just to be Ashley. It's always been important for me to have something that I get to just feel like Ashley, right and not mom or wife or whatever other hat I'm wearing. It's just me. I get to be me. And there have been times where you know that wasn't happening. And I started to feel really sad about it. But I I had to get to a point where I was actually talking with you about that. You know, we we could make adjustments along the way, but if I had never said anything to you, then resentment would have built up and then we'd be really hurting.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:25

Um, so yeah, there's there's so much.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

I know there's so much there. I think what you were saying about too establishing the roles. I think a few things on that. When you look at how God put things in order just in the very beginning, it's it's right there. Just he brought chaos into order, and then he he brought purpose into being. Like there, there was there was a reason why we would live. There was a responsibility for each of us, and and yeah, he did establish roles. And what's interesting is I think that people so quickly, because of you know the state of the world and where we are these days, they start saying, like, well, you don't value me as a human, yeah, or you don't see me as who I am, you just see me as a this or a that. And and and it's the like you were saying, I there are there are some things that I do regularly now that um some may say, well, that's not typically what a man will do. Like I, you know, I'll I'll jump in and I'll do the dishes, I'll jump in and I'll do laundry. I've really slacked the past couple weeks. But uh, but I mean at the same time, there's things that you do that not every woman will do. And it and and that's just like I I give you know our youngest the the bath a lot. Like that's something I do, like because I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 11:37

And it's such a help for me because at you know, like our mornings the way they roll. I'm getting everybody ready for the day, I'm getting them out the door, I'm I'm doing all the things with the kids. Yeah. So by the end of the day, when like basically you come in and you you give them the bath and you a lot of times, like we'll we'll share putting them to bed and everything like that, but it's it just it it's helpful. Yeah. It's it's more than helpful. It actually gives me a minute to kind of breathe and just be.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

So I think that as a husband, as a wife, as a mom, and as a dad, I think you just you develop those how those roles are gonna work. Yeah, and the rhythms. That's a great word on how like the day is gonna go. And then you start, you need to re-evaluate.

SPEAKER_04 12:21

Well, of course. And I think structure is wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:24

Organization is a must. Yeah. It's wonderful. And having structure is great. But like you and I function very well when we have some flexibility in there. And again, coming back to one another and saying, Hey, is this still working?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:38

Um, how are you doing with this? Or, hey, I'm I'm actually struggling with this right now. Could you and just asking, like we've gotten better about that over the years, but it isn't it was not easy at first.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

No, something that we've talked about often is how if if we can get some kind of system in order, or like you're saying, like develop the roles, develop the, hey, here's what I'll do, responsibilities, and things like that. Then if something isn't going well, then it's the the system, or we can reevaluate the system and not the person, right?

SPEAKER_04 13:07

Like this is not a personal attack.

SPEAKER_00 13:09

Right. Like, let's work on our relationship and how we're relating is really what we're saying. How the day is going. Like, that's what it comes down to. This was something I was thinking about after last time we recorded is it's if if if we want to have a relationship that's going well, then it comes all the way down to what you are actually like your literal, I'm doing this and you're doing that. Like the very tangible things of life. I think we get so like, oh, how do we feel? And all of those things, which is important.

SPEAKER_03 13:40

No, okay, stop cooking.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

That's all important. But if you can't like ex like talk about how you um how you show a person that you care or how you are attributing to the relationship or the schedule, or if you're washing the car, or I don't know, putting gasoline in the car, just saying not pointing, not pointing fingers.

SPEAKER_04 14:02

He's definitely pointing fingers at me.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

But if like if it comes down, like if you can't like um describe the tangible, this is how I show and express, and this is how I attribute, then it I think that it's just remains um, I don't know, it's it's all subjective at that point, and there's no way to make any adjustments, and there's no way to evaluate am I doing a good job?

SPEAKER_04 14:24

Well, it is no, you're fine. I I think I understand what you're trying to say. It it can't all just be feelings.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:32

You know, yeah. I I can tell you I feel one way, but my actions tell you something totally different.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yeah, if you are constantly the one who has nothing no idea of what's going on for the schedule the next week.

SPEAKER_04 14:43

I'm gonna tell you you need to educate yourself. You do right here and right now.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

You can't put that pressure on the other person and expect them just to be okay forever like that.

SPEAKER_04 14:50

Okay, I've heard this term default parent. Oh there's there's a reality to it.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:56

There is a reality to it, default parent. Um, the one who's making the small daily in and out decisions. Yeah. The the one who the the the default. The that's the default. And you know, I struggled with that at first because I you have to, first of all, you just have to be careful what you consume on social media.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:19

Because even like I'm not trying to make this overly spiritual, sure. But that little door that you open up, that you crack open on that 15-second reel that you watched about how the default parent is the victim.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_04 15:39

That will plant a seed in your mind, and you're gonna be like, wait, oh my gosh, like I am so I do that, but that's me. And and then all of a sudden these accusations start to build up against the body. And it's a wedge, just like a wedge. It's a wedge. It is. And so we do have to be very I'm not saying that it's not real.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

Right.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

There that's the truth. Like that's the reality. It happens, it happens. Um and a lot of it falls, tends to fall on the mom if the mom is the one spending the most time with the kids. That's just the reality. The mom is the one planning the meals and keeping the calendar and doing all the all the things, she tends to be the default. So I'm not discrediting that. I'm not saying that that's not a reality.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:21

But what I am saying is you better be careful what you start consuming when it comes to that. Right. Because the enemy will put a wedge between you and your husband, and it will grow slowly over time.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Yeah, I think that's a really good word because it and this is interesting. I was just thinking about the creation a lot today. So um, the way that God spoke things into existence, he spoke, like he used his word. You know, that could have been done in any kind of way, but it it took him speaking, expressing himself, communicating, and and and that happening is what caused all of this to be. And I think whenever you just internalize and keep things internal and you never let it out, gosh, you will start, it will just like so miserable. Yeah, like a like a mold inside of yourself.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

That's how disease will grow.

SPEAKER_00 17:13

It's like a it it will consume you. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you are everything you're on the defense and nothing else is right, and then all of a sudden the ignition start breaking down. Yeah, and then all that you explode because oh I'm the victim.

SPEAKER_04 17:28

Not even that, but like internally, what happens, like I've had a conversation with a friend about this before, but like I'm I'm a person who will I don't do it as much anymore because I feel like I've grown and the Lord is helping me become more healthy in this area. But internalizing that, internalizing things just in general, and not using my voice or not being able to verbalize, you know, how what I think, how I feel, all of those things, but internalizing it and ruminating and all of that, like um, that is something that I have had to really dig into to get better uh with the Lord on. And um if we're not careful, that internalization of all of that, that pain and anger and resentment and bitterness and all those things, like it literally will change you from the inside out. And then your and your body, your mind and your body will follow.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

And before you know it, yeah, you feel sick all the time.

SPEAKER_04 18:32

You're having gut issues.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Oh, well, your relationship is like falling apart.

SPEAKER_04 18:37

Yes. Yeah, everything is f and I I take it to a physical level because I'm just fascinated by how God's creation works in this whole thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:46

So I take it to like your body will actually start to give you the evidence of what's going on on the inside. Like it will start coming out.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:55

And um, it comes out in a lot of different ways, physically, emotionally, uh, verbally, uh all of it. Like it just it becomes a disease that takes things over, and then before you know it, things have broken down so much you feel like there's no way out. The only way out is to leave, or you know, you start making really irrational decisions. Yeah, exactly. So, gosh, there's just so much there. If we can't come back to the table and have simple conversations before they turn into something massive, yeah, then like we've got to figure that out.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Well, I think it is important to say like there's nothing wrong with like questioning how things are going. There's nothing wrong with saying, like, okay, I've heard this idea about a default parent, and it a lot of that does kind of um you know representative. There's some truth to it. Sure. If if that's the case too, having the being willing instead of just like, oh, I am doing everything. And this this this guy is such a loser. Yeah. Instead, hey, what is this happening? Yeah. Let's just talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 20:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

But I think something else that happens, not just ideas from outside of your relationship, but even the things that you do regularly after a while can become so exhausting. Right. And um, I so I work, we've talked, I've worked as an RN, I worked in the ICU before. And something is interesting. The ICU is you hear alarms all the time. And there was actually a study done where um ICU nurses in particular and ER nurses will sometimes ignore alarms because they've hurt them so much, like it doesn't even ring a bell any longer. Like it doesn't get your attention because you're like, that's just background noise.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

And so, and and then you go into a room, you're like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_04 20:43

Which person is coding.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Right, right. This is a problem. Yeah. So there's been like studies, how can we change this? All this stuff. And it got me thinking about the decisions that we make as parents and as yeah, you know, uh as couples too.

SPEAKER_04 20:55

It's kind of exhausting sometimes. I'm not even gonna lie.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

I mean, even as like for a single person who's just out there trying to figure out life, like it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_03 21:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

And if if you don't type take time and like step aside and say, you know, I need to rest or I need to I need to talk through some ideas with somebody, because none of us really know exactly what we're doing.

unknown 21:16

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

If that's if I'm allowed to say that, we are all trying to figure it out. Um, but I think that decision fatigue can really make things rough.

SPEAKER_04 21:27

I'm just gonna speak from a person who has really you have problems with dinner. Oh my gosh. The grocery store. Oh my goodness. No, decision fatigue is real, yeah, y'all. It is so real. Um, and sometimes that I've I remember conversations I've had to have with you of like, I just need you to make the decision.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

I've forgotten about this. Yeah, I just don't want to make a choice.

SPEAKER_04 21:51

I don't want to have to make a choice right now. Please don't ask me any questions. Please don't require anything of me in this moment. Oh my god. Can you please just make a choice?

SPEAKER_00 22:00

So real.

SPEAKER_04 22:00

That is so real. A little peek into how I am sometimes because I I do. I go all day and I'm I'm making decisions for a lot of people all the time.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:12

And so man, sometimes I'm just like if I have to think about one more thing that's going to impact other people, I'm gonna cry. But let me just let me uh tell you about the whole like meal planning and prepping until I die.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:30

It's I had this realization I we're we're coming to the tail end of the school year. Okay, and we are running hard and we're all getting tired.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 22:42

But we've just got a short ways to go.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

We're almost there.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

We're almost there.

unknown 22:46

Come on.

SPEAKER_04 22:47

And the last thing I want to do on my weekend is plan a grocery trip. Yeah. Put together meals. Put to like I am so and I am a person who like enjoys being creative in the kitchen. I don't feel very creative in the kitchen right now.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:03

I'm just like, okay, do we have protein? Do we have all the major food groups? Do we have our fruits and our vegetables? Yeah. I'm gonna just throw it together. So my decision fatigue about around the grocery store right now, I'm I'm in a season where it just feels extremely heavy. And I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Well, and in a minute.

SPEAKER_04 23:24

So then I'm like, Nick, here, here is 17 pounds of meat. Go put it on the grill and then we'll have some vegetables with it.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Start fires is what I do. Um, but I whenever I think the the decisions are stacking up.

SPEAKER_04 23:36

Oh, you can tell.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

You can tell. And it's not just you. I mean, no, it's me too. Listen, I we've talked about this before. I can shut down. Yeah. Like that's sometimes my response. And and and I think that um you shut down.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

I can shut down. Yeah. I feel like when I have to get there though. Like if I'm getting to a point where I'm shutting down, we're in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

What's the re we've talked about how to how we've handled things like this?

SPEAKER_04 24:01

I just I say things that don't sound very nice. And then you're like, whoa, it's the tone. Hey, hey, hey.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down.

SPEAKER_04 24:10

Now wait a minute. Please don't ever tell me to calm down. We know how that work worked out.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

Yeah, you're right. Uh I've made that. I've made that.

SPEAKER_04 24:21

Um you made that choice once.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah, choices are hard. And the retaliation is hard as well. Um, but okay, so what actually does help? Let me ask you that question. What helps whenever it's getting overloaded, whenever life is just it's you're like, oh my gosh, when you think he's the problem, or and I'm gonna I'll I'll answer this too, but I I didn't I'll give you a lot of people.

SPEAKER_04 24:47

What actually helps is me opening up my mouth and saying something to you. Well, I mean you know what? Not in like a hateful way, but just in a hey, like I'm I have to make you aware. Yeah, like I can't assume that you know what's going on in my head. Like I had to stop that a long time ago. So honestly, what helps is like me getting over myself and just being like, hey, look, here it is. I need help. I need help with this. Like I'm but that has been really hard for me to do because I I have never it's never come easy to me to ask for help like that. So that's a work in progress.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Well, and for me, mine's probably to stop making it about myself so much, honestly. I'm just being honest. Well, because that's good. I'm here you go, guys. Here we go. Here's the the reality is I think sometimes we get so blindsided, you got those blinders. You know what I mean? My my And I do it too.

SPEAKER_04 25:34

This is not just you. I do that too.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Well, I know, but the idea of like my task is the most important, my my responsibility is the most important, no one else understands, like that's how you get really. Or you prefer, honestly, sometimes so just like let me just focus on my stuff. And then you just compartmentalize, and and people they don't they feel like you're disconnected because that's what you're doing. You know, you're just staying disconnected because it's it's hard to handle all these things. But I think what happens is that ignition, that argument, the um the silent treatment, whatever, however the relationship is um, you know, we've not engaging.

SPEAKER_04 26:15

We've gotten better at letting each other know, like, hey, I need a minute to calm down. Um that's come over time, though. That was not something we were good at at one time.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

But the I think also it's important to do that with our kids too.

SPEAKER_04 26:28

Like, hey, give me a second. I'm gonna need a minute.

SPEAKER_00 26:30

Yeah, I'm gonna shut the door. I'm shutting the door.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

Don't come in here there's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

But knowing also that that's not the end of it.

SPEAKER_04 26:38

That's not the end of it. No, we are coming back to the table. And same with your kids.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Like, yes, we don't end it.

SPEAKER_04 26:44

We gotta finish it, we gotta see it through. Yeah, and that's where I think the repairing comes in after the argument or after whatever it is. Yeah, you have to be intentional to come back and say, hey, let's get on the same page again.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Let's actually talk through what what happened, how it got here. I mean, the buildup of you know, all that fuel, really.

SPEAKER_04 27:05

At the end of the day, you're not my enemy.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

Yeah, that's a great way to say it.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

At the end of the day, you are not my enemy. My kids are not af against me, they're not after me.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Like I I neither are the decisions or the choices. It's just like it's just hard.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

You know, and it and it's and it's okay that you struggle with it, not just you, anybody. Anyway, it's okay that you're like, this is overwhelming. Uh, but you sometimes you you just stay silent because you're not really sure, or you're you get loud because you don't know what else to do.

SPEAKER_04 27:35

Well, I think it it's important for us to just take an honest evaluation of how do we react, how do we respond when we are feeling the pressure, when we are feeling the heat, and um we're we don't feel like we're in control. Is that if you have a vice that you turn to, or if you notice that you go, you numb out on your phone, or you go stick your face in the pantry or the fridge, like y'all, that's not okay. Like I I and I'm speaking from experience, like I didn't know for the longest time how to uh regulate myself to the point to where I could have a a healthy conversation with you. Yeah, it just I I would get so far gone up in anger and just feeling out of control. And then I I wouldn't come back to you and say, hey, like, you know, I I would try to try to feel better in other ways. And that that wasn't okay. But it wasn't until I had that, you know, I felt like the Lord really revealed that to me that I needed to grow in that area, but I also needed to be vulnerable and honest with you about it. And he did a really good work there in our relationship that we're still working on.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Yeah, that's something interesting is the the growth that we have as two individual people, yeah, and the growth that we have as a couple, sometimes simultaneous and sometimes like it just takes time.

SPEAKER_04 28:59

And even at coming together as parents.

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Exactly. Yeah, it's I'm like I'm learning.

SPEAKER_04 29:05

One thing has affected the next, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:07

I'm learning still what how I can become a really good dad. And and in some ways I've got it together, I think. I mean, so I'm told. And in other ways, in other ways you're like, whoa, I gotta work on this.

SPEAKER_04 29:20

I don't know that we ever will arrive. I think that's just how it works. The thing is, is like we're parenting kids at a certain age right now.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:26

And it's gonna look totally different when they're adults. But what we do now is setting the foundation for the type of relationship that we're gonna have with them as they're adults, having their own spouses and families and lives. Like we are setting up that foundation. And if we don't do the hard work now of conflict resolution, yeah, asking for forgiveness, coming back to the table and like it's it's an exchange of vulnerability. And if we don't do that now, like we can't expect them to do that uh with us later or even with their own families later.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Yeah, they there was a friend of mine, she um she mentioned she's like, hey, if I was gonna give any advice about being a parent, she said from zero to eighteen is the easy part. And she's like, from then on, it is so it's so hard. It's difficult. And I was like, The role literally shifts and changes.

SPEAKER_04 30:21

That's what I changes for you.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

And and I I take that like seriously because I mean, and you're right, like what we do now is our opportunity to make what happens later even more, you know, rich and rich, yeah, exactly. Good way to doesn't mean it's gonna be easy, no, but it it's we're setting ourselves up. Yeah, yeah, we're setting ourselves up in in one way or the other. So get your stuff together, man. Like that's I mean, and honestly, maintain maintain that first relationship.

SPEAKER_04 30:49

If you will do the work uh to heal, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Oh man, that's good. In more ways than one. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_04 30:55

In more ways than one, if you will do your work to heal, yeah, and get better, yeah, your relationships, all of your relationships will benefit from it.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

So not too long ago, we were on or in a uh a small group together with different couples, and I remember the question being asked, like, what's one way that you have um I don't know, helped whenever your relationship felt like it needed like some rejuvenation. I remember it was that style of question. And and something I mentioned, I was like, hey, that's pretty good. Is we sat down, we would every so often we'll sit down and we'll just talk about memories.

SPEAKER_04 31:30

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

And I think that that is I love it, not just after an argument or after, you know, whatever, but for me, whenever it feels like all is lost, and how are we ever gonna get the week under control or whatever it is? Yeah, man, if you can just like hey guys, you remember that one time when we went to the beach and we stayed there for a week and we were able to just you know veg out and all that stuff. Yeah, I think rehashing or revisiting more so those memories brings everyone back together. Like, hey guys, we're a good family.

SPEAKER_04 32:04

Yeah, they love it. And I actually just had a conversation with my oldest son on the way home from school, and we were talking about if you could relive a day in your life, what what day would you go back and relive, or what set of days would you go back and relive?

SPEAKER_01 32:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:23

And his answer was awesome. Um, I'm gonna share it. And so he he said he would go back to the time where him and his cousins, they all their grandparents put together this whole entire room for them.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

And they did obstacle courses outside and they did it was summer, summertime up in Indiana.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 32:44

And he was just reliving those days of of his time with his cousins and his grandparents, and and he was younger then, you know, but he's like, Man, when I think about that, oh, I could cry. And I'm like, man, I because it was just it's so real for him, you know. And we just got to have really good conversation around that. And it also gives me like an insight of like what's important to him, what you know, I'm getting to know him through that simple little question or whatever, but it's just really cool. I think that's there's definitely something that nostalgia. Nostalgia, and us millennials, we are obsessed with nostalgia because we want to go back to a time that was simpler and a time that felt a little bit more like cozy and homey and analog.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Exactly. Yeah, it was it was more connected while being less connected.

SPEAKER_04 33:31

100%.

SPEAKER_00 33:32

And uh, yeah, for sure. And that's I think that's a good way to wrap up as far as the parent, the parenting side, as far as where we're gonna stop today, is just like whenever you need to stop and reload, do that together. You know, you don't have to like separate yourself, isolate yourself, and uh, you know, find a vice that's you know perfect for you. More so let let let your spouse in, let your kids in, you know, sit down with them, choose something with them that you guys can do together uh that's building up um as a family or as a as a couple or whatever needs to be done there. Yeah. Um make it something that unifies and not separates. Totally.

SPEAKER_04 34:12

This this parenting conversation could go in a lot of direction.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

And I hope we'll tackle some details. Yeah, we'll get more detail in the future, but But I know what you're about to go into. Oh, it's rapid fire.

SPEAKER_04 34:22

Rapid fire.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

All right, I'm gonna cheat.

unknown 34:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:24

Here's the question if you could go back and relive days from the past.

SPEAKER_04 34:31

No more than a week. No more than a week. Okay. Well, I I would want to go back and relive this is what I shared with my son. I would want to go back and relive the days that I had them, like each of my kids.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_04 34:44

Um and I I clarified the question. I was like, knowing what I know now.

SPEAKER_00 34:48

Yeah, fair enough. That's good.

SPEAKER_04 34:49

Could I go back and relive those moments? Yeah. Um they were incredible.

SPEAKER_03 34:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:56

So I I could get emotional thinking about it. But um yeah. Or like those times where we oh gosh, why am I crying right now over the rapid fire question? Whoops. The times where we got to share with our family that we were having a baby.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Oh, those are weird.

SPEAKER_04 35:13

Oh my gosh. We had some good ones. So yeah, literally over here crying. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

Rapid fire.

SPEAKER_04 35:20

Rapid fire claiming.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

How did you do that?

SPEAKER_04 35:22

It got me today.

SPEAKER_00 35:23

Here, I'll save the day. Uh my rapid fire, my answer to that was.

SPEAKER_04 35:26

It's gonna be so shallow.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

It's super shallow. You're not gonna like this. It's our Hawaii vacation.

SPEAKER_04 35:31

Wait, no, I told Rocco, I was like, if I could pick a second thing, it would be Hawaii.

SPEAKER_00 35:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:36

So that was on my list too. That was incredible.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

It's definitely that. Um and honestly, if I can mix the two, our Hawaii one and our New York one. Oh my god. We had we had so much fun. Like those were incredible.

SPEAKER_03 35:47

That was awesome.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Um, your answer was much more sorry. I mean, I wasn't expecting that. I thought we were.

SPEAKER_04 35:54

I wasn't expecting to be over here crying.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Boo hooing.

SPEAKER_04 35:58

Boo-hooing over these stinking kids that make me so stinking tired. Yeah, I love them.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

We love it. All right. Well, hey, thank you for listening to the conversation. As always, send us any uh ideas or thoughts. We love to hear them. So thank you for listening, and we'll hear you. Or what? You know, we'll talk to you.

SPEAKER_04 36:17

We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

You'll hear us.

SPEAKER_04 36:18

You'll hear us. Okay. Right.