Red Flag Edition 2 - #014

AHH, what is that?! It's more Red Flags. And you better address them. We consider some of the signs we should all take note of when we notice them. And here's the deal, we all have issues, we just hope to keep them from becoming more than a issue. Enjoy our second attempt at calling out the problems we've seen come up over the years.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Hey Amick, and I'm Ashley, and this is Between Us. So we just celebrated Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

It was a good day.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Hey, happy, happy Mother's Day to everybody out there.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

All the mamas. Yeah. And the mamas, mamas.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

And the mamas, mama's mamas. Don't get me started. Anyways, it was a great day. I have to share about my at-home spa experience.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Please do.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

Because I served at church on Sunday on worship that morning. And so that's a that's a big bulk of the morning happening there. And when I came home and I walked in the door, the kids like stopped me at the door. They're like, don't move. Close your eyes. And I'm like, oh gosh. Okay. So then I slowly got to walk into the living room and they had the recliner chair in the middle of the room, a little table set up, candles, music playing, some pretty background on the TV. And they were like, like, all and then I saw my skincare products lined up on the TV stand. And I was like, okay, I know what they're about to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Don't forget. Don't forget the reading material.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Oh, I had some good reading material. Our four-year-old came and brought me um, it was a Dr. Seuss book, the ABC Dr. Seuss book. And then he also brought me another book. It was like it's got about a duck or something. I don't even know the name of it, but it was the sweetest thing because he knew I wanted to sit and relax.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

He brought you toys.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

Oh, monster trucks. Yes, sat on the table.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Yeah, he used those in the massage bar.

SPEAKER_03 1:54

Um, it was the sweetest thing. And then our nine-year-old, she was like, ma'am, she's talking to me in this accent. It's like, I'm going to be your chef.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Uh-huh. So sweet. It was fun.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

Well, they knocked it out of the park.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

I mean, half of the lotion bottle was pretty sure uh half of my body butter, half a bottle of my lotion. Yes. They used on my legs and my my arms and my hands.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Yeah. You're still not like dried out from still very hydrated today. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

Um, it was so sweet. And it was fun. And I loved it because they were all just invested. And then our oldest, he made peanut butter cookies all on his own. Like he's doing his thing. It was just really cool.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Proud of them. They had fun. They were excited. They were so excited to get that. Like all prepared. I could feel their excitement. Yeah, they were like, this is great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:48

It was really cool. And I mean, I'm just gonna be really transparent about this. At one point, had I come home to something like that, I it would have been very sweet and very awesome, but I would have been disappointed.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Like, yeah. Wow. I know crazy.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

It is actually crazy.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

I know what you're talking about though. I know what you mean by it.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

It is actually crazy because I think like when I think back through yesterday and just all that, I'm like, wow, like how could I have ever been disappointed in that? And I think it's just the idea that, you know, my mother's day needs to look a certain way, or yeah, I, you know, I want to be able to go out and I want to be able to do this or spend money on this or go get a professional facial done or whatever, you know. And I, you know, I would have been a little disappointed. But I think that just shows some growth that honestly it was everything my heart needed.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

The other day.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

It just changes like our I think that our whole perspective just changes over time. And honestly, like it's it's it's good to be able to look back and say, wow, I was this way before, but now I'm this way. And that's that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_03 3:56

It's actually a good thing. Yeah. Well, I just kind of put myself out there like you really did.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Hey, but you know what? Mission accomplished.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

Mission accomplished. They're two ways. We got it on the danger.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

We got Mother's Day done, and look at you growing over there.

SPEAKER_03 4:09

I know, just growing. Just being a healthier human.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

I love it. I love it. Well, uh, today I know that we have a task in front of us. We do. We're gonna we're gonna go red flags edition two. Yep. And we're going to round two. Here we go. We're gonna set them up, knock them down. We have a series of red flags. And honestly, when I'm going through them, uh it looks, it seems like these are more like related to marriage. Yeah. Really, but I mean, this could be applied in a lot of different ways. And remember, this isn't just about the other person. It's about you too. You might have the red flags here.

SPEAKER_03 4:44

You might be the one that's like me. Are you reading my mail?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Is this me? Uh, are you talking about me? Uh, but just remember too, a couple things. We're not we're not professionals, so we just want to throw that out there. Yeah, but we do just think these are things that we've seen in ourselves and in other people that we're like, hey, hey, maybe we should pay attention to that. We should be talking through this. Uh, and this isn't like quick, get a divorce. It's more like a hey, let's talk through this and be honest about who we are. We're human. That's the way it goes. Okay, red flag number one. You want to do it?

SPEAKER_03 5:15

Conflict avoidance.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

We never fight. You hear that? We never fight. We used to say that.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

We did.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Yeah. We used to say we don't say that in a while. We don't say that.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

I was scared to fight. Really? In a way, yeah. Because I thought like early on. Early on, I was scared to fight because it just again, I I I think safety develops over time, you know, when you feel really safe and secure in your relationship. And so early on, I mean, we didn't really have a lot of that.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Well, we what were we gonna fight about? We didn't even know what to fight about, I don't think. I didn't know what to fight about.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Uh, I think it was more like the clashing of our personalities every once in a while.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

That's true.

SPEAKER_03 5:57

Um, money early on, we had some disagreements about money early on, but yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

That's true. You you were more willing to spend, and I was than I still am. Yeah. Wow, that was there's no red flags there, guys. Don't look behind that curtain. There's nothing wrong, nothing to see here.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

That's hysterical. I am a lot more conservative these days. Listen, with our grocery bill, uh, I gotta be. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Um, but yeah, I that whole like we never fight, we get along about everything. Like, that's that doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Yeah, somebody has a problem somewhere, and honestly, if you're not fighting about it, then you're not talking about it because that's true. You just that's really what you're saying is hey, we're not honest with each other. That's true. We don't fight means we're not honest. Just that sounds bad.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

No, but it's true.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

But it's true. Fighting is not like this isn't like put your dukes up. No, that's the phrase of the day. Put your dukes up.

SPEAKER_03 6:56

That's the phrase of the day.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

It's more like a you're full of it. There's more, it's more of a you know, when you are honest about things, then the reality is set, the tone is set, like I am dealing, like I think this way about what we're doing, and you think this way about what we're doing. And they're not always the same. Well, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

It is okay. We didn't know that it was okay though at the beginning. And a lot of people don't. They're they don't know that that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Um, you know, we said a lot of things like it's fine. Like for me, I I don't love conflict.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

Uh as I've gotten older, I'm fine to address things and talk about things in in a um in a calm manner.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's just thinking of it.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

I mean, but that is that has definitely taken time. I'm I'm someone who like I could go zero to 10 really quick. So it's and a lot of times, like I'll just go straight to anger.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:52

And so then I have I've had to just really learn how to how to work through that. So to have a reasonable conversation about something, um, and a lot of times, because I'm such a passionate person, I if I'm angry about something, like I'll cry. Yeah. And that ticks me off even more because I'm because I I feel like it's like weakness.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

But um, I do need a second though to get my head on straight and to get my thoughts about me so that I can have a reasonable conversation.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Because if I am just like in that fight mode, like it's not gonna be good for anyone.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:30

But you can't be sweeping stuff under the rug all the time either. And I and we used to do that. I know I used to do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

We definitely did that.

SPEAKER_03 8:37

Neither one of us really loved to fight. Like we did not, we wanted to make sure we were okay, we're good.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

Right. I think what well, and I'll say this too, is what for you, where your adjustment had to be like, okay, I gotta regulate how I respond here. My adjustment was I've got to respond somehow. Because I didn't, you know what I mean? Uh what when I was uh this is no, you know, this is nothing terrible. When I grew up, I didn't see the fights so much. I didn't, and I'm not saying you did, I'm saying I didn't see the arguments as much. They that was behind closed doors, that was like, you know, so I never really saw that as much, or I don't remember it very, very well. So I became very passive aggressive and very cynical towards the idea of anybody thinking anything differently than I did. So I probably like that's that's something you and I have had had to like work through, honestly. Yeah, but where in the beginning, where we'd never fought, when we did start fighting, it could get like we never we weren't getting physical fighting.

SPEAKER_03 9:32

No, no physical fighting, it just with our words, though.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

And then like our demeanor toward each other would just be it would be so harsh. And it would be that way for a few days, and it was no bueno. Yeah. And uh that's Spanish. And now though, I think that we are getting a lot better at that. But the red flag was if you is if you're not fighting, or if you're not one who's like, we're never, we never fight, if you're the one who's like, I'm never gonna fight, I'm never gonna talk about it, you really gotta address that. And if you're not good at addressing things, addressing that much.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Yeah, don't avoid don't avoid uh different topics that uh that matter with your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

Well, because if you don't, and here's the here's here's the cream is it starts leaking into everything else. Totally. When you don't address a topic, it's gonna leak into other topics that have nothing to do with it.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

So something that I I struggled with was just like keeping things buried like to myself um and letting it fester. Oh, that's just the worst. It's the worst. But you're right, like in that silence of never saying anything or um bringing it up or anything, it can look like, oh, I'm okay on the outside, or it can look really like peaceful, like we're good. Um, but quietly inside, like there's just junk growing.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:53

And it's just it's just better to get it out in the open. And we've had we've had lots of different seasons.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Oh, geez, why why do you do that to me? Every time that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 11:07

When your wife says seasons in every episode, there's your red flag. No, but seriously, though, like it it really does it can fester and grow and bitterness, resentment, uh, then you start to make assumptions about the other person and believing things about them that's not true.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

And it's like if you would just We just talk about it, talk about it, have a conversation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Well, okay, well, this leads into our second red flag is lack of repair after a conflict. Which honestly, when you start seeing that, or if you grew up seeing that, where there was never uh there, I say like a like a I don't know, mending resolution, yeah. There's no conflict resolution, that's good. Then you're you that might develop the other one where I don't well, I'm not gonna fight. I don't want to deal with this, you know, the rest of the week, you know, or the rest of the month, however you however, years, yeah, exactly. So this red flag is almost um it's almost connected to the other one. But yeah, I think if you if you fight with someone and then you also never go back and resolve that conflict, or you just say, you're this, that, and the other, and then that's the end of it. Yikes. That's not good, that's not healthy. And I'll tell you, that is a big red flag because that that means the person doesn't want to resolve or they don't know how to resolve even in themselves.

SPEAKER_03 12:27

I think it's more um when you're getting those fight-flight responses.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

You've got the fighters, you've got the ones that fly. Um, I I again I've said this in other episodes. What happened to you that made you feel that you this is the only way to respond?

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Or not. You know what I mean? Um so again, there's there's a lot to unpack there um with how you how you resolve conflict or how you avoid, like if you're really bad about avoidance. Um there's a reason. There's a reason why. There's somewhere along the way you've probably been hurt um or misunderstood, or there was a lie believed about you. Just something. There's probably always something.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Well, and just to be clear about the whole idea of it, is that when you the the the whole red flag is whenever there's a conflict and then from there on, like the whole mood is different. Oh and there's never or you're always you always get those, oh yeah, sure. Or just like quick answers. You know what I mean? I do because I've done it. I maybe these are seasonal, dare I say, seasonal red flags. Because you can you can just like, hey, I'm gonna be this way. I'm just gonna be this way because I don't want to deal with it.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

Hmm, did I say it out loud?

SPEAKER_03 13:53

Yeah, you did.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Boom. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

That is a good one.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

If I could drop this mic, I would.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

We can't, it's on a it's on a holder.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

It's on a holder. Okay, but here's here's the line. I like this line too. Disconnection is normal.

SPEAKER_03 14:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

It is normal when you disconnect, but staying disconnected is dangerous.

SPEAKER_03 14:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

So I think whenever you find your what what it's saying here is whenever you find that wow, we're not connecting, that happens.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

But whenever you're not willing to try to connect again, that's a problem.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Yeah, there's a big wedge that can be put in there in your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

So yeah, don't be afraid of conflict, but don't give a person a reason to be afraid of conflict. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because if someone thinks we're never, we're never gonna, you know, come back from this, that's why they don't want to approach the conflict or address the conflict. So, anyways, okay, uh third red flag. Do you have that one?

SPEAKER_03 14:43

Yeah, emotional disengagement. Yeah, we live together, but we don't really connect anymore.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:50

Yeah, we've we've experienced it. Guilty.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

I'm guilty of it for sure.

SPEAKER_03 14:53

I think a lot of couples are. And you know, when we were younger, um, couples that were a little bit more advanced further in life, yeah, they would say this kind of stuff to us of like, be aware and watch out for these things. Like I remember it kind of them saying and explaining it like you just kind of pass each other by. I know. And then all of a sudden this time just goes on, and you're like, wait, how did we get here? You know?

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

Um definitely have experienced that whole coexisting versus a real deep connection.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

For sure. And it this is something that's interesting. All three of these red flags, uh anybody could be guilty of this. I mean, all of us could be guilty of the red flags, and then you know, we can repair it, we can do it. But I think what I'm noticing on all of this is it's almost you have to recognize if you're going for uh quality or comfort. Oh, and I think in our any relationship, you can get super comfortable and you just then you just find yourself. This is what we were just talking about before um when we were talking about this red flag, it's just a matter of all of a sudden you find yourself in this way.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

It's not like a it didn't happen super fast. Yeah, it's just kind of like happened over time.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

I mean, when you marry somebody, or even if you get to know someone, you love connecting with them in the beginning. It's just like this is they call it the honeymoon phase. Yeah, exactly. And it's the best, and you're like, I want everything of you, and you want everything of me, it's the best.

SPEAKER_03 16:18

And then life starts to wear you down. Yeah, I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

No, but I mean, this is some of these red flags come out of time. It's true. And when you just rely on you're comfortable, uncomfortable, we're good, yeah. Let's you're probably not good. Yeah, I mean, you just find yourself not good. You know, you don't want to bother the other person or whatever. Yeah. And so then all of a sudden you're like, oh my gosh, like we haven't truly connected.

SPEAKER_03 16:44

Or had like a real conversation. Like there's a difference between like the management of the household conversations and a real conversation of connection. Yeah. Right? Because we have to go this is just being realistic. Like we have to go through the things and talk about the things that keep our home running in order. Um and I'll just say this. Sometimes it's really hard to even finish those conversations because of the interruption all the time. And we're we've just got lots of different things going on. But yeah, um, but there is a difference between like if that if those are the only conversations you're having, yeah. Man, that's you may not really know how the other person is doing, and you may not even have given yourself enough space to know how you're doing, you know, you just you're just going.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Well, and and in some cases, it's I don't, I don't feel like it's now the good time to address my emotional state. I don't want to just.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

Yeah, because it's it's gonna bubble over at some point.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Well, okay, tell me a time. Do you do you mind if we talk? Was there a time where you noticed, like, oh my gosh, emotionally I haven't connected with my husband in, you know.

SPEAKER_03 18:15

Yeah. Uh well, yeah, we've had that happen often.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

We just find ourselves there, right?

SPEAKER_03 18:20

I mean, it's not like it's a And it's usually something that gets me to the point to where it's like I can't really take it anymore. And so then I just have to say, but that but that's also on me for like feeling like I have to suppress it and hold it down. Right. And what the the thing that comes for me is that I don't want to be a problem for someone else. Yeah. Like that is a lie that I've believed even in childhood, that I'm an inconvenience and that I'm a problem.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

And those are things that I believe God has made me aware of now. And so when I'm more likely now, just because I've allowed myself some space to grow, and you have also allowed me a lot of grace to grow in that um, or to grow in like not believing that lie so much anymore. But that is the thing that will come for me.

SPEAKER_04 19:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:05

Um, there have been lots of times where I just felt like, no, I'm not, I'm, I don't want to be a burden. I I can figure this out, you know, and you end up like just suppressing it and thinking like that it's gonna go away. But what ends up happening is it just festers. And it and then the littlest thing can happen that isn't even related. And then before you know it, you're either emotionally exploding or you're you losing your mind because you're losing your mind on the other person. Yeah. And it's because you feel out of control, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

So um I know, like for me, the going through um just we've talked about this on previous episodes, like postpartum. Yeah. It was always really hard for me. And um I found myself going inward a lot when I really just needed to tell you, I really need, I need your help. Like I need to connect with you. I need to feel like a human again.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Right.

SPEAKER_03 20:06

Because I'm not feeling human right now, you know? Um, so yeah, there's definitely been times.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Oh, there's I I mean, there's probably too many to even display. I know. I'm like, wow, I can't even. Yeah, well, and I'm thinking about it too. It it's interesting because this red flag is, I think, more of a red flag of a relationship. Now, if there's if there's a like a partner in the relationship that's not willing to talk about their emotions, that's hard. That's just hard. That's really hard.

SPEAKER_03 20:32

Yeah, you really because then you're you're basically just telling the other person, like, well, you're just gonna have to figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Yeah, that or this is just how I am. Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:40

Like, we can't do that to one another. That's not fair.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

No, that's not a relationship. That's I mean, we've heard uh so our pastor always talks about this is a covenant relationship. This isn't like a contract. This is there's more to it than just you know, you do this, I do this, and then you let's not talk to each other otherwise. Uh there's so much more to having a true relationship, a true marriage, than just like let's just dot the eyes and cross the heat, and we'll be you do yours, I'll do mine, the end. Like there's love is more than that. And it's supposed to be more than that. Um, but yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 21:14

Yeah, I was gonna say if if you're not careful, like we just have this in our notes here talking about like feeling emotionally lonely while married. I think it can totally lead to that. Like you're with someone, but you're not really with them.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

Well, and I want to say this too, is I think that um now the way we talk the enemy wants us to feel like we're alone. Right. And you can find yourself in that in that state where it's not because you're the red flag, but you need to take note of when things like that happen. And you need to realize like, even though you feel alone in those moments, it you do need to um remember you're married for a reason. You're supposed to share that burden with your partner. Yeah. So the The red flag is one, are you willing to say something and talk about it? And then another red flag in this case really is are they willing to reciprocate that conversation?

SPEAKER_03 22:09

Like are they feel safe enough to even say anything? Because some people don't. That's just the reality is like in these relationships. Like some people don't feel safe enough to really say that they feel alone because they're gonna be made to feel like they're the problem.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

And that's where the red flag comes along in the other person.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

Right, right. So yeah, this is an interesting one because it is. You can find yourself like you feel alone and right rightfully so, because maybe you don't feel, like you said, safe enough to have the conversation. Yeah. But if a person is never willing to talk about the emotional part of who they are and who you are, that's really a big red flag.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

And it's it's not because necessarily they're at fault, but there's something that needs to be um there there's something that needs to be brought to the light and worked through in that relationship. So that's more of what I think we're saying here.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Um, not like they're wrong, you gotta get away from them. More, more like something needs to be worked through.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

And you really need to take note of that. Okay. What what do you think steals connection the fastest? All of these really, all these red flags are more about connection than anything else. But true. What do you think steals connection the fastest?

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Busyness.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

I would say busyness.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Yeah, I think you're right about that.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

Uh definitely in our digital age, I think Yeah, just distraction. So much distraction. So much um notification overload. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's good. I mean, I I do. I think I think there's there is something to be said about all the busyness that we find ourselves. And it's even with good things too. So I I mean, we just have to be aware. I think out of all of this, all of these different things, a lot of self-awareness is needed to keep growing in a healthy direction with your with your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Yeah, I think you're right. I think that's a good b busyness is a good answer. And we always you can always connect things to pride and fear, like oh gosh, yes. And honestly, busyness is a culprit of that. Yeah. Uh honestly, or or really is a indicator of that because a person is I'm so busy, I have so much going on, or oh, I don't want to touch that because I'm afraid of what will happen. Yeah. What are you really protecting? Is the question there.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Something else important that I think we need to draw attention to would be like how we're approaching these conversations just in general with one another, especially when we're gonna be talking about something a little bit more vulnerable, is um having curiosity more than accusation.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

You know, I see what you mean.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

Like, and that goes both ways. Like it's like we've talked about believing the best in one another and all of that. But that also you have to be curious going into it with like I'm gonna approach this conversation with you. I'm gonna bring up something that's hard for me to talk about. Um, and you approaching it with curiosity instead of like shame or like I said, accusation. Like that is huge. But I also have to believe that I believe that you're gonna receive what I have to say and not, you know, it's a trust thing. Like both ways.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

So yeah, and I mean to be curious instead of accusing, um, I can't think of the word accusatory, I think is the word. Um, it really just shows that you it's a genuine care. Yeah. Because you like you're curious about where is the state of that person, or what is my state, because I I think a lot of us, and we've talked this early on in in all of our episodes, is sometimes it's hard to understand even where we are ourselves. Like, yeah, hey, I'm dealing with this, or I've noticed this kind of happening regularly where I just get really dark or really go down rabbit trails or holes. Yeah, that it's that's just not good. What do you think that is? And then that's a curiosity instead of why do you treat me like this? Why do you always every like that totally different conversation?

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

And I think you're right, that's a good point. Yeah, that goes for all of these too. To address a red flag is is important, yeah. But to do so with an accusatory tone, it's it makes a difference.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

Yeah, to accuse it because I feel like something that you and I have done, we'll just we'll just send each other like a text and send it to the case. Yep. Sometimes that's the best I can.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

Or exactly.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

I'm in my feelings today. And it doesn't, I don't even have to go into it. I just need to know that like you're aware of where I'm at.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

Then that's where it is on the person, and it's not always through text or whatever, but whenever someone says something that you're like, okay, that was we need to put a pen in that. We need to go back to this. Yeah, you need to be the one. I mean, it is so important. We talk about details often here on as well, is the it all happens in the details, the small things.

SPEAKER_03 26:43

It really does.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Whenever someone sh says, is willing to say, like, hey, I'm going through something, it is so important for the other one to come back around and say, I remember you said something, and we should talk about it because it is a lot for someone just to expose their their state of mind. And uh to follow up on that is really important, or at least uh remember the conversation, which is hard for me sometimes, honestly. But it that's it's important. You gotta put in that kind of work. Yeah. And again, that's that's going back to it. It's quality over comfort. I think that's big on all of it. But okay, you know what? Red flags are important to cover, but rapid fire is also an important thing to cover.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

We always have to have a rapid fire.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Yeah. What do you got?

SPEAKER_03 27:27

If I had to be sponsored by one random product, what is it?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

For your life?

SPEAKER_03 27:34

I guess for me as a person. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Am I doing for you?

SPEAKER_03 27:38

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 27:39

If you Or if you want to do for yourself, we could do both. Whatever.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

I'm going to. Oh no. Well, let me do, okay. No, let me do you. Let me see. Uh, because I'm thinking about it now. I'm going, I'm going to bring uh which part of you do I want to do it. So many parts. I'm gonna say. Oh gosh, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 28:01

Okay, so my first thought for you had to do with trading cards again.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 28:06

There's got to be some kind of cool invention. So something to know about Nick is he has like such an entrepreneurial mind and he comes up with things that would be really good inventions.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:17

And I think you would probably come up with some sort of product to like help, I don't know, mitigate some problem in the trading card world.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

Yes, please. And would that be basically what sponsors me? Yes. Well, then give me okay, tops or panini panini. Ooh, tops. Yeah, tops.

SPEAKER_03 28:36

I grew up on tops. Yeah, tops. Remember going to the card, the card store.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

Oh man, and get your back get magazine.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Pogs. Did you ever buy pogs from the I love pogs? I bought pogs from the card store downtown.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

And if you don't know what a pog is, then you're not 40.

SPEAKER_03 28:52

Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

That's okay. Yeah, I love pogs. I loved pogs. I did too. I had like mini slammers. Mini slammers.

SPEAKER_03 29:01

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Yeah, hacky sacks are also coming back, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

Um, I think you would be sponsored by a hacky sack for sure. I do come back. Because you did or a what was the hand thing?

SPEAKER_00 29:11

Miyaci. Miyaci. Nobody had a Miyaci, just meow.

SPEAKER_03 29:14

No, just you.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Um, okay. I I'm gonna say for you, it's gotta be music related. Oh. And I would the thing that came to my mind was boss, the head, the headphones. But then can I tell you what really came to mind that makes no sense at all? I don't know. It's gonna be blue blockers. You remember those the sunglasses back in the day? Why? Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue blockers. Remember those?

SPEAKER_03 29:37

Of course I remember blue blockers, but why does that why do you think of me?

SPEAKER_00 29:41

I think it's because of that whole commercial.

SPEAKER_03 29:45

And I'm like Ashley would be in on that jingle.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

Yeah, that's exactly why. That's the only and I couldn't get that out of my mind.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

Like, so I gotta say it out loud.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

I guess it's gonna be blue blockers.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Because it that is so random. Yeah, but whatever. It's fine.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

I'm gonna have to go back and listen to the jingle. Well, hey, this was good. I think we got into some things. I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

Red flags are important, and uh everyone has them, so be aware of your scenes.

SPEAKER_03 30:13

You're always gonna be working through them.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Yeah, for real. Sometimes you gotta wave the white flag to get to the red flag. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:22

That was out of nowhere. That was good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

You're good at you're good with words.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Hey, you're also good at with words, and I love you for who you are.

SPEAKER_03 30:29

All right. My blue blockers and all.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Yes. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.