Behind the Uniform: How Is the Family Doing?

Last episode we navigated what the world of mental health looks like for active duty and retired military, but what does that look like for their loved-ones and families?

We brought in Sarah Hinrichsen who is a teacher, military spouse, and mom to explore those experiences. She shares what it meant to be the family still at home while her husband was deployed, the transition as he comes home, and what the world of mental health looks like for her and her children.

Have questions, thoughts, or stories you want to share? We would love to hear from you! Shoot us an email at brightminds@pawnee.org

Your mental health matters. While this podcast is meant to foster connection, understanding, and hope, we know that some conversations may bring up difficult or emotional moments. If you need support, help is available and you don’t have to navigate it alone.

If you or someone you know is in crisis or experiencing emotional distress, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Free, confidential support is available at any time.

To learn more about Pawnee Mental Health, visit us at https://www.pawnee.org

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome back. I'm Jonathan Saypal.

SPEAKER_02 0:05

And I'm Michelle Naliu, and this is Bright Minds and Brighter Days Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Where every episode our goal is to bring you real conversations that meet real care.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

A new day at Pawnee is here. It's about building a mental health system that's easier to access, more flexible, and supportive of our communities. For more than 70 years, Pawnee has been standing with people through challenges and change. Now, therapy, recovery, crisis, and medication services are even more connected, accessible, and ready to meet people where they are. Find out more at Pawnee.org.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Well, Michelle, you know, last time we um, you know, we got to hear a lot about the active duty side of things when it comes to mental health, but as you know, not all service members wear the uniform. The spouses and family members they play a vital role in the success of the soldier. Um and with that, I'm glad that we have here Sarah Hendrickson.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Yes, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Um tell us a little bit about yourself. How how long have you been a uh a spouse of a service member?

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Well, first of all, I just want to say thank you so much, John and Michelle, for having me here today. I was a little nervous receiving a phone call from a number that I didn't recognize. I know we've all been there, but very humbled to be here, and I know that my experience is not the same for everybody. Everybody's will look different, but I hope that after today that you all come away with a sense of belonging that you know, yes, I've connected to this part of the story, or yes, I've been there, or that I could hopefully help you hear a voice and a part of your own journey with this, because that's really what it is. It's been an incredible journey. As we I've been a military spouse for 16 years. Uh, some of that time with my husband, we were married, and some of that we were not. He joined the military in 2007, and he retires in January. So we are looking forward to the end.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

So exciting. So, do you ever find it hard to build a support network? Because you talked about you weren't married, obviously, when you were together. Was that support network different than currently being married and having a different support group?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

That's a great question. And absolutely. Prior to marriage, I had just come out of high school, and so my friends and my connections were very different than the friends in the family that I would gain during the time in the military. Right after marriage, uh, we moved to Fort Drum, New York, and I had to learn a different way of living. Okay. It was really surprising to me with all of the people in the military that we got to meet through my husband's command, through the FRG. Now they've included the term SFRG to be inclusive for more individuals. Can you tell us what that means? Sure. So it's the Soldier Family Readiness Group, formerly the FRG or the Family Readiness Group, which is a group that is dedicated to helping young soldiers, established soldiers, people of the military community connect to the military community and the surrounding community that they have been involuntarily placed in. With that time, it was really important that I found a place of belonging. And whether it was another spouse or it was through a faith-based connection, for my husband and I, being a part of a faith-based connection, so our church in Fortrum was a huge component of that transition going from single life to married life in the military, and that was really important to us. The FRG at the time really came through with the commander's wife in supporting us and the service members during that time. And as we grew in the military and as we grew in our marriage, that has changed throughout the years. But finding that connection from duty station to duty station has remained critically important in the success of our family unit, individually and together. And then when we added children to our family, that was even more important that we maintained that community, that connection. Who are our friends? Who do we need to reach out to? Because it's not just about who is pouring into us, but how can we use our experiences to guide and help others in a similar situation? You may feel alone in this journey, but you're really not.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

I think that's the hard part. I'm so alone, and I think people don't realize all the support systems out there and where they find them. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

Yeah, because I mean, as you know, uh being married to a service member, they're often gone for extended periods of time, you know, whether that's deployment or they're training, you know, even if it's in the field for a couple of weeks or it might be, you know, in another state for a month or so. Have there been times where you kind of felt your stress levels going up? Um if if so, could you, you know, maybe tell us uh some of your coping strategies? I mean, what uh what types of things have you found effective that helped uh reduce stress during those times?

SPEAKER_00 5:07

The first thing I would like to address with that question is that coping strategies can be learned by the individual and they can also be learned in a group environment. So coping strategies can be something that you pursue or something that is brought to you to help you manage as well. So the military has aspects of that. For me personally, it was very difficult going from duty station to duty station. Most of the time, in my husband's job description, it would require him to deploy very frequently. With those deployments, they would often come right after a military move or after an NTC rotation. And a lot of predictability with their movement. The military told us when to go, what was going to happen as far as the soldier movement, but then as far as the families, we were kind of left going, okay, well, where's my role in that? How do I fit in with your job and your lifestyle at this point? Some of the coping strategies that I found were really helpful was connection with other people. We were not created to live in isolation. We are relational beings, and it is incredibly important that we find that person that we can talk to, that we can share our tears with, that we can share our joys with. So for me, one of the biggest coping mechanisms was community. Now, whether at the time social media 16 years ago looked different, we did have Facebook, and if you had a good commander who had a good SFRG, a lot of information, appropriate information, was given out through Facebook, through community events where the wives could come together and they could share in their daily experiences. Hey, how are you doing with this? How is your morning? How is school drop-off going without dad? How is homeschooling going? What is dinner time like at your house? And of course, our initial answers are, oh my gosh, it's hard, it's chaotic. And then you kind of settle in. So you find this rhythm with these people. In addition to that, finding people was really important. But there are also times it's important to step back in grief. It's not a requirement to be happy all the time. It's okay to feel the wide range of emotions that will come at you with a deployment. You will feel grief, you will feel anger, you will feel sadness, and sometimes you may be happy without an explanation. Almost if you have a well-meaning family member or friend who says to you, Oh my gosh, how are you doing today? And they have that tone in their voice, and they're ready for the tears. And you're like, No, I'm good. That's okay. So the emphasis is on community, finding the people that are helpful to you in that time, but also not being afraid to withdraw when needed and focus on yourself, your needs physically and mentally. Because if you don't address that, then you're going to have issues down the road.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Have you found it getting easier over time with each deployment?

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Each deployment has brought with it a transition. Easier, not necessarily, because every deployment, every separation brings with it an element of change. And we have to respond to that change. I would say it's been easier growing as an individual and as a family for all of us to identify how we're feeling and to express those feelings in appropriate ways. So there aren't big family blow-ups, there aren't major fights, or there aren't as many misunderstandings or as many sad days. We've been able to communicate better with our children and with each other. Okay, daddy's going on a trip. Now we use the word trip with them because they don't necessarily understand the term deployment, but we process that together and we ask them, How are you feeling? How are you doing? So as the time has gone on, I would say that our approach to these deployments has really influenced our coping mechanisms and has really helped with that.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

So as a mom, the military life, how does that affect children? Obviously, you have your support, you have your community, obviously that is a huge role. But how does it affect their mental health?

SPEAKER_00 9:21

As a spouse, we have a lot of choice in what we can do during a deployment as adults. The children don't have the same opportunity. They have school, they have different responsibilities where they are ushered into environments that they may not always choose. With a child's mental health, there are many, many different ways that you can see difficulties from a deployment coming through in a child. And it may not look the same from child to child. So whether our listeners have one child or no children yet, and they're wondering what that looks like, or if they have several, it really depends on the child. Um mental health-wise, we had we have a daughter who struggled with severe anxiety over a significant deployment that my husband went on. We were separated for a year. He went to Honduras, and what that looks like now with the children who are old enough to remember is they're very insecure about their dad leaving. They may want extra hugs, they may attach to another male figure around the family or another uh spouse's husband in a way because they're missing their dad and they want that hole to be filled. What we have seen is when my husband is up in the morning for PT, goodbyes take longer. The children leave the house, has daddy left, has daddy left, and they look for his car in the driveway. So for them, we see that in a need to know that they are still loved, that they are still in a secure environment with their parents and their siblings, and that they have a place that they can come home to. And if that is not there, that is when we start to see a breakdown of those uh mental health issues in the children, like increased anxiety. Um you can see behavior problems, anger outbursts, why is this happening? I don't understand. And children are not able to articulate their feelings like adults are, they're not able to use the same words. And so it's very important to connect with your children.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

Yeah, I grew up military and a lot of people will ask me, Well, how many schools did you go to? Did you meet a lot of friends? And my story is actually different. You talk about building a community, finding that family support. And my mom, since she barely spoke any English when she moved here and met my dad, she decided to stay here. So she my mom is from Thailand. She met other Thai women here that all had military husbands, and so they just formed their own bond and she opted to buy a house here and stay here with me while he was deployed, while he got stationed somewhere else. And so I'm like, I don't know what it's like. I'm not a typical, like they say, I'm you know, military brat. I'm like, I stayed here, so I never saw the side of, you know, my emotions as being different because I was traveling or anything like that. So it's interesting to hear that side and see it all throughout our community.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Well, that is such a valuable experience to have, Michelle. Thank you so much for sharing that. We are so grateful for your family service as well. And we just were so thankful that you guys were able to find that community um the way that you were able to connect. And and like I said in the beginning, that looks different for each family unit. Each family unit is is different. Um, but we do struggle with very similar things in the military.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

When we were doing our episode about active duty soldiers and the different barriers, and I know stemming from you know my experience, I'm now ten years removed from the military, so obviously a lot of things have changed. Um from what I remember, there were a lot of barriers when it came to seeking mental mental health or behavior health. Um, you know, we did hear that, you know, there has been some progress in in the military uh over the last ten years that have kind of made it a little more accepting, a little more easier to uh um, you know, get those services if they need those services. Um but ha as a spouse, ha have there been any barriers to you or you know your family uh being able to get mental health services if you need it?

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Here at Fort Riley, Kansas, I really do believe the Army has come a long way and has done an excellent job at supporting the spouses, maybe not necessarily with on-post services. I cannot speak to that because we receive off-post services. What I can say is that the town of Manhattan, Junction City, because the stigma around mental health has been r almost removed, it's hey, if you are having a problem, then we encourage you to reach out. And that is so important that we don't have a culture of, oh my gosh, we don't see a physical ailment, so you must be fine. Mental health is so important. When it comes to the military, uh we have opportunities to seek that out. I do still see issues with insurance with TRICARE. So TRICARE has become available to many providers of mental health care. The problem is the co-pays are astronomical. So for ex for example, when my husband and I saw counseling services, we only went for a few sessions because that was a barrier for us, even at my husband's rank of E8. They were $75 per couple.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

Because it's considered a specialist, which is because it is because it is.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

And so we're still experiencing financial barriers due to that. With an active duty spouse, it is it is difficult to process all of these military experiences, and sometimes extra help is needed, and not just for you or your spouse, but your family as well and the children. And a financial barrier to that, we have six members of our family. If we all had to go in for counseling, you guys could do the math. Uh that's an astronomical bill for one session out of pocket. That is not sustainable.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

Yeah. So how has the military service? We talk, I mean, not I don't want to say it's all negative, you know, being a you know, on the other end of it and having the deployments and being in the field and kind of being that single parent at home. Are there any positives to being a service member's significant other spouse?

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Absolutely. And I'm I'm so grateful that you brought up that question because there is a a lot of focus on all of the things that we do go through, all of the alone time that we have. And I so appreciate the fact that while I have solo parented for a very long time, I know my situation is different than others. We hope and we pray that my service member comes home. And our faith has been just such a huge part of that, such a joy that we get to rejoice with our friends in that. You can always say goodbye, but nobody says hello like a military spouse. When your spouse comes home from deployment and sorry, I'm getting a little emotional, and it's beautiful, and you see that door come up and you see your soldier's boots on the ground. It's welcome home. And it does take a very long time uh to process those emotions. But the balls that we get to attend, the award ceremonies, the recognition for all of the hard work that my husband has done, that his teammates have accomplished, the mommies and the daddies, and the men and the women that have gone. There are wonderful times of celebration that we do get to enjoy that are unique to the military community. So there is a lot of joy. I would say the emotions for us can be almost polar emotions. You're incredibly sad or you're incredibly happy. But there are times when they're in garrison when they are home that we do find a good cruise control. And it's yeah, we're just doing life, we're doing great. The kids are in school, or it's summertime, we're doing barbecues, we're doing uh picnics, we're doing fall festivals, the kids are growing. And while there's an emphasis on wow, when's the next deployment, we don't look at it that way from deployment to deployment. We look at it, hey, on Tuesday, I've got softball games starting at 6 p.m. Sunday, I've got church. Wednesday, we have a potluck with friends. You know, we really focus on the here and the present. And the now, yeah. And the now. And trust that when the time comes, we will be ready.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Well, I'm glad you brought up the you know, the the redeployment aspect and and everything. Um is there anything that you do to best support your husband's mental well-being as he's coming back? Obviously, you know, you may not know everything that that went went on while he was deployed or downrange. Um is there anything that that you've done to kind of support him as he makes that reintegration back home?

SPEAKER_00 17:47

You know, I I really appreciated this question as well. I've got to be honest with you, I've made a lot of mistakes early on in our marriage. My husband's been through eight deployments. I am not a perfect wife. What has really helped, and it depends on the nature of the deployment, because you see there's two types of deployments we can have. We can have a combat deployment and you can have a non-combat deployment, and their mission is gonna change throughout that time. And then you have training missions that can just be long, perhaps annoying, arduous. Why do you have to go right now? You're gonna miss three dance recitals and a piano lesson in this. Like, can't you just stay home for these four weeks? One thing I really wish I had given my spouse space for was time for him to process his homecoming. Your soldier has to figure out how they are now gonna come back and fit in your life, just as you have to make room for them. Whether it's their stuff in the house again, that was a huge frustration for us in the very beginning when these deployments started happening in our marriage. Oh, I'm not used to the counter with hats and keys and sunglasses. Can you just clean the counter, please? And little frustrations would build up. Well, I needed the laundry done, but I need you to move it over. Or daddy's car is now here, or daddy needs to go do this, but he just got back. So one of the mistakes I made early on, and and it's also an encouragement, and there's so much grace with this, was to give your soldier and your family time. There's no time limit that says you have to rush this, you have to be perfect by Monday of next week. You have to have it together. There's nothing that says that. And for us going through that, understanding that everybody is going to react differently to that. Some kids are immediately in daddy's lap, and other kids are like, no, I haven't seen you in nine months. I'm gonna go pet the dog. So there really needs to be space for that and just giving yourself that grace to say, hey, it's okay. Connection isn't going to happen immediately. Connection is built. And that is what happens in all relationships.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

And thanks for talking about your mistakes. Because I think a lot of people think that they have to be the perfect parent while, you know, they're at home and they're taking care of things when the other one is gone. But it's a trial and error process. Obviously, you've been in it for how many years, and I mean, every time you're learning something different based on where they're at and, you know, that time in your life and what's going on. So yeah, thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

You're welcome. We had a running joke when my husband was deployed, and he'd call me on the phone and I'd be washing dishes or doing something. Kids would be running around in the background and be like, honey, if for some reason you're ever gonna surprise me by coming home early, can you actually let me know? Because the house will be wrecked, the dishes will not be done, the laundry door will be open. Um, you know, you you learn to let go of so much when they're gone. And that's when you realize how much you lean on your spouse for support. And so the encouragement is just don't forget that, but also don't worry about the assimilation right away. Do what you've been doing, and it will happen over time. I like that.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

I usually end the podcast with one question, one final question, and that is um, what gives you hope for the future?

SPEAKER_00 21:03

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is our hope and our future. And without him, I wouldn't have one. And for those who aren't sure what their hope is, I encourage them to find that. Thank you so much for being a guest.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

This is a really important topic, and you did very well. Thank you so much for the same. I know it was hard and you're tearing up a little bit, but I mean it's real life, so thank you. I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

Thank you guys so much for the time.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Michelle and I would like you to know pain is temporary, but giving up is permanent, and you don't have to face it alone.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

If you or someone you know is in need of care, hope is available. For local listeners, you can call Pawnee's Crisis Hotline at 1-800-609-2002.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

For our national listeners, you can call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

Other mental health resources can also be located on our website, Pawnee.org.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

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