RoomTempBeers
NSFW comedy podcast about nothing and everything!
New episode every Monday! Everything is a joke!
RoomTempBeers
Put Up & Put Out - RTB Ep. 16
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Guess who's bizzack. Week 16 of beer and laughs! Enjoy! New episode every Monday!!!
We are back. Happy Cinco DeMayo. In case you fucking plug in, dude. Unplug and do something. Hang up and hang out, bro.
SPEAKER_06You guys absolutely fucked me on that. But whatever. It's Cinco De Mayo, boys. Mike Wiley, we love you.
SPEAKER_07Mike Wiley. We couldn't do this without you. Can you do the Mexican? Oh, like a grito?
SPEAKER_08That shit, the grito shit? Yeah, I can't do that. Mine sucks, actually. There's a guy that fucking that I work with, and uh, he hits the shit out of the grito dog. It's like pretty good.
SPEAKER_07Do do the do the grito like do your best Mexican OT. Oh, the baby from the brrrr. No, but but the the he does the grito. He does a fucking phenomenal grito. I haven't heard his grito, bro. Oh, it's at the beginning of or maybe it's maybe it's his producer's tag. Is it the grito? That's even tougher. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, bro. I hit I just really just be hitting a doggie. I just yeah. The doggie. And the grito like that, dude. I'm whitewashed. We're sipping on margs today, dog. I'm gonna spill this shit everywhere and it's not it's not gonna be free.
SPEAKER_09I'm gonna make a sticky mess. Fucking frozen margarita on the carpet. It's because he's not on the couch.
SPEAKER_08That's probably what it is, too. If I would have fucked on and split my coffee last episode, golly, I'd have been so pissed.
SPEAKER_07I'll be sticky. It doesn't seem like it should be, but even if it's not. I know. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_06Somebody keeps spilling dog shit on my carpet at my house. I don't know who's doing it, but somebody keeps dropping dog shit on the carpet.
SPEAKER_08That's wild. You need to find out.
SPEAKER_06That's none of my business. That's your house, brother. It's your house. That's not my business.
SPEAKER_08Why the fuck?
SPEAKER_07You're letting people piss on your car in your house, dude?
SPEAKER_06I'm a guest here, and you're gonna complain about my dog pissing on your house.
SPEAKER_08That's crazy. And I'm a guest. Come on now. You're not a fucking guest there, dude. Every time you come over here, you just hop right in the mini fridge, like you live here.
SPEAKER_01It's because it's all my fucking beer in the mini fridge. You guys drank all my fucking Modelo already.
SPEAKER_08You guys killed all my beers, dude.
SPEAKER_06I will say that you do stash your beer here.
SPEAKER_08I do stash my beer here because you get troll, you're not allowed to drink at home. You gotta count your beers out loud. No, I drink it home.
SPEAKER_06I drink it out loud. Kinsey counts them out loud, and I say, that's right. That sounds about right. Sounds like the number bubbles I've had. Yeah. Yeah, she has like a construction uh one of the stop signs. It says stop, and on the other side it says slow. Most of the nights on slow, and then around like 10 p.m. she'll hit the hard fucking stop. She got a spotlight in your house, though? Yeah, I'll just drive right past her to uh my mini fridge and I'll get another cooler's light.
SPEAKER_08Oh, dude, I saw you rig that mini fridge up, though.
SPEAKER_06I did rig a mini fridge up. That shit is. One man's trash is another man's treasure.
SPEAKER_08You like latched it on. You said, look at this shit, but I want 22457. That's the 12 beers. That's 24 beers. Yeah, 48 beers. Nah, he was dude. He was doing dad math, bro. He like straight up was just like looking at the square footage of the fridge. He's like, dah, that's fucking 48 beers, dude.
SPEAKER_06I know how many beers this is. I can do beer math like a motherfucker did. Ask me how many beers I've had tonight.
SPEAKER_08How many beers have you had tonight, Casey? Like one or two. That's the correct answer every time. I've had uh I've had a few.
SPEAKER_07You small beers. He's like uh like that uh that AI video of Bruce Lee where he's like uh with the Guinness. Like, why do you tell your family you're gonna drink one beer and you when you're actually gonna drink 12 Guinnesses? It's like if I say one is harmony, I say 12 is chaos. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Just gotta slowly do it. You gotta start putting beers in your pockets and go take a piss.
SPEAKER_08Crazy, but hey, I'm going out with the boys. We're gonna we're gonna drink 14th beer. Yeah, dude, I literally tell my fiance.
SPEAKER_06Good luck. Good luck. Like, I hope I hope our daughter's well behaved. Like you got it. I'm gonna go get hammered with my friends. I'll see you in the morning.
SPEAKER_01That is so funny.
SPEAKER_05Hopefully, I don't fall down and wake you up when I go to bed.
SPEAKER_08You always do say, like, hey, I wanna like I'm gonna go have a couple beers. Yeah, and a couple means that means infinity beers.
SPEAKER_06Yes. Infinity beers. You drove yourself home from the golf course. That's probably two problems.
SPEAKER_10Well, I only had one or two. Oh, you're pissed off because I made it home safe.
SPEAKER_05You just don't want to see me have fun. You don't want to see me have fun at all.
SPEAKER_08What the hell is your problem? I made it home safe. Oh, you make it home safe and you get bitched out nowadays.
SPEAKER_06I don't talk about uh how many energy drinks you have.
SPEAKER_08You should have just kept up with the fucking NA story for as long as you could have. Like, no, I'm drinking non-alcoholic beers. Just drink one on the way home. I smell fucked up. I'm not fucked up, dude. I'm drinking corona beer.
SPEAKER_07Dude, I promise I'm not I'm not even these are I was drinking athletic brewing company all day.
SPEAKER_06I'm not acting drunk. I had to non-athletic uh acting non-athletic beers.
SPEAKER_07Non-athletic beers. There's uh athletic brewing company is the name of like a that's JJ Watt. He was sponsored by them. They'll like make non-athletic beers. Is that what it's called? No, oh uh non-alcoholic beers. But NA beers. But there's they're called athletic brewing companies.
SPEAKER_06You know what might be the move? Drinking like six NA beers and then getting high as fuck. Oh yeah. So like you still seem drunk? That's funny. I'm not drunk. I drank a bunch of NA's and I'm also just stoned out of my mouth.
SPEAKER_08That is so funny, too. Like if you are a person that like everyone like has their thing. Like for some people, it's just like you know, like lemon tea or like seltzer water, yeah. Yeah, like mineral water. And like your thing is like just drinking non-alcoholic beer. Like just you just reek of out, you just reek of beer like non-stop, but you've never drunk. That guy's functioning alcoholic.
SPEAKER_06No, I don't I don't like being drunk. I just I like to taste a beer.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, but it is like a like a recovering drug addict move. You're like, oh no, I don't, I don't drink. Like, I don't even smoke cigarettes. I just I just drink eight periods in uh duketamine.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you just get sea salt and put it in a spoon and light the fucking spoon. Yeah, inject it. But it's like I'm not high, I'm just raising my fucking uh what it's the same as decaf sodium levels, I guess. Uh fuck it, fuck it. 0.5% alcohol?
SPEAKER_08And what's okay if you drink it fucked up off the alcohol. So if you drink enough MA's, you can get drunk?
SPEAKER_09Yeah, white beer is like five percent. So it would take 0.5. Uh so you would have to regular beer is like usually 4.5.
SPEAKER_064.2. 4.2 is a standard light beer percentage. I've it's gonna put sometimes I look at the labels and see uh I'm that far deep. Uh but that's nobody's business. How bad is this shit actually for you?
SPEAKER_09Rangers, 9.5.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, sometimes it's like, all right, you should only have two beers tonight. It's like, all right, let me start looking at the ABV. Yeah. If you guys know what that means, you'd probably have done the same thing that I just said I did.
SPEAKER_07So light beer is more like uh almost more hydrating than it is. Like if you were stranded in the desert.
SPEAKER_08That's such an alcoholic way of looking at alcohol.
SPEAKER_07If you were stuck in the desert, you'd be like you would survive much longer drinking light beers.
SPEAKER_08You can bring one thing with you, and you're like, well, duh, because of because of like how much more beneficial it is, I'm gonna bring Miller lights. It's 30 pack of frio lights, dude. All day. No, I'm not bringing a fucking gallon of water to me to the desert. Everyone knows that light beer is more hydrating than this is science, baby.
SPEAKER_06I believe in science.
SPEAKER_07Obviously, water would be ideal, but light beer would be fine, but that's why with the 0.5%, because you get more hydrated than drunk with them, you'd need like a shitload of.
SPEAKER_08Is that why you piss so much? Because I'm super hydrated? Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah, just so fucking high.
SPEAKER_07If you're just throwing back beer, I mean that's 12 ounces of liquid.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's how it's no one shuts water that fast. No, nobody drinks fucking six bottles of water in an hour. We're sitting here, we're we're doing numbers on the beer cans. When it comes to water, it's like, oh, I did good. I had three bottles of water today. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_08Eight beers and like, I'm more hydrated than you, bro. Fucked up a 12 pack today.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, sitting in a porta potty looking at the fucking the safety sheet about the urine color.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, you push all the clean stuff out.
SPEAKER_06You push all the good free all your hydration's going away. You just turn into a fucking uh sunburned SpongeBob after like 12 beers, too.
unknownWater.
SPEAKER_08It's like I was you know, I was talking to the uh I'm so stupid, bro. I was listening to uh fucking I was talking to Matt and Shane the other day. I was listening to one of their podcasts, bro, and it was Shane talking about like how he finally like he was like freaking out because he was hurting or some shit. Went to the uh doctor. Doctor was like, How often do you drink? He's like, I don't know, fucking three, four times a week. And doctor's like, are you having like two or three drinks? He's like, dude, no one that's drinking three or four times a fucking week is having three or four drinks, dude. And he's like, How many are you having every time you drink? He's like, I don't know, ten. He's like, so you're having you're drinking 40 to 50 beers a week. He's like, yeah, you're gonna be a fucking dick about it, I guess. That's true.
SPEAKER_06If you add up the amount of beers to like a weekly total, that'd probably be enough to get me sober. So I'm never gonna do that math. No, I didn't. I'm not gonna lie to you.
SPEAKER_08Nah, math is for girls, but everybody knows that shit.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, math is for girls and gays gay people at NASA. That's it. And round gossiping on that spaceship. That's it.
SPEAKER_08Hey, what have you guys been up to?
SPEAKER_10Just working.
SPEAKER_06Just working and drinking. Working. Getting hydrated.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, getting hydrated. I did uh find the same ballpark. Yeah, we'll cut that.
SPEAKER_07I was uh I I was walking around downtown and uh there's uh at George R. Brown George R.
SPEAKER_09Brown? Floyd George R.
SPEAKER_07Brown at the at uh at Madison's at Madison Square Garden, at Madison Square Garden, because we're Manhattan based, uh there's a there's a robotics competition or whatever. And it it comes around every year. Like all like the last five years I've seen it, and you just see uh a bunch of trailers parked outside and like uh just uh there's a bunch of nerds out. The global like robotics competition. Yeah, you hear different languages fucking Eastern European languages, like Asians, Indians, like people from all across the US or whatever. And uh uh this girl I was with that her she didn't know what was going on, and she was like, like, oh, is it a spelling bee? That's so funny. And then someone goes, no, it's a robotics composition. No, I fucking dick about it. Just fucking four pull it shit.
SPEAKER_08Shut it down. So funny. It was like a spelling bee just because you see the most ethnic like minorities you've ever seen in your entire life. Like genuinely like not being a dick. The person just shuts it down. Like, no, no, this is a robotics fucking competition. You bitch.
SPEAKER_06It's hilarious when girls are like accidentally insanely racist. Because they never want to be, they never mean to be, but it's the funniest thing ever. It's so fucking funny. It is pretty funny. I love it. I it's a pretty good guess.
SPEAKER_07Like robotics, spelling bee, uh, anime, like some kind of anime uh convention.
SPEAKER_06This was all tied together?
SPEAKER_07No, I just feel like like if you're gonna guess what's going on here. Well, why are there so many Asians, Indians, nerdy kids?
SPEAKER_06Uh not gonna lie to you, spelling bee had crossed my mind for sure. Were they adults or were they children?
SPEAKER_07No, they're like high school. They're like high school age, too. Spelling bee. Everyone's like, yeah. Oh yeah, everyone's like high school age. Yeah. Speaking of all this ethnic talk shit. Uh all the people who are gonna run Palantir.
SPEAKER_06Sabrina Carpenter while I was at the Matt Gala. Interesting. Yeah, check out look at the biggest.
SPEAKER_04Are you finished with your diet, Dr. Kelly?
SPEAKER_10I didn't even notice it.
SPEAKER_08All right. AI pictures of chicken beef. Oh, god damn. There's this girl and she's like, bro, she's like eating with her fingers.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, click on that for me.
SPEAKER_08She's like eating with her fingers, bro, and like in the floor. I mean, what the fuck? Are they like has like fucking drool coming out of her mouth and shit, dude? Ew, dude. And she's like, there's the way that she says I don't normally eat meat, she like makes this face, she goes, I don't normally eat meat like that, and like she says it gross, bro. I wanna dude. Everything about this video just pisses me off so bad. I don't know. I'm probably I probably sound so racist right now, but once you see this video, dog, I'm telling you, dude, the curls on your cowboy hat are gonna touch the top of it, dog. You're gonna get so much more national.
SPEAKER_06Kind of hard right now. What did you said?
SPEAKER_07Uh I don't know the way you said she's drooling. She's like I'm not sure. She's drooling, I think she doesn't normally admit. I'm picturing.
SPEAKER_06No, dude, she's like hard gate sex with a butch lesbian and the biggest.
SPEAKER_07I don't normally do this, or usually the best one.
SPEAKER_08You see that shit? Her whole face like win. Yeah, it seems as like she's a little bit snarky. Dude, look how gross that shit is, bro. Look at her fucking looking at here.
SPEAKER_06We're looking at a a liberal Indian woman from probably the Midwest whose Indian dad.
SPEAKER_08No, look at this. Who's this? It has to be her brother. That was wild. I'm not gonna lie. That's so gross, dude. And also, it's um I saw somebody captioning it and said it's even more fun whenever you realize that they use a bucket of water in their hand to clean shit off their asshole.
SPEAKER_07Ooh, we're not gonna lie, you made that seem way worse than it was. Dude, you're such a live. No, dude.
SPEAKER_08You eat bro, you get even fingers up your asshole, all right? I don't get fingers up my asshole, bro. Go back to the gifts one time. Click on that gif.
SPEAKER_06Click on that gif. That's not from me. Yeah, yeah, the fat white guy eating the burger real sloppy like because he's fat as fuck. Get that out of my country too. Yeah, that's gross. Is that any how about that? Same, same.
SPEAKER_08Same, same, dude. She's got look at her fingers. Look at her fucking fingers right now. That's the same as whole.
SPEAKER_07How is that different from eating crawfish? I'm gonna be a centrist here.
SPEAKER_06Crawfish is good, and you don't talk about it. Both of you eating with your hands and chicken and rice and stuff doesn't make any sense.
SPEAKER_08If you're gonna sit on my fucking swag, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_07It's not it's not even like sushi rice where it just comes together. Both money rice, like, doesn't really make sense. The thing is, but you can eat this shit, but we can't. You make it seem way worse than a way that's quicker. I'll tell you this. This is not a gross motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03You eat it. I'm Indian and that's fucking me bro.
SPEAKER_08I showered right before you guys dad watching the nurses. Mr. Let's hit the Pilates and let me smell your box right afterwards for the girl that you call one date with. You calling me gross? I would do that with my wife for five years. I would not do that, dude.
SPEAKER_06This is someone else will the trans stuff. I don't if you want to gender change or I don't give a fuck if you want to eat food with your hands. You're not supposed to eat with your hands. I don't give a fuck. That's nasty. Maybe I'll just scrap something. I mean, do it at your house and don't put it on the internet.
SPEAKER_07They're in their own home.
SPEAKER_06Keep it, make your Instagram private. I'll scrap all of this. Whatever.
SPEAKER_08I don't I don't mean I don't want to see it. You guys made me feel like I'm the most racist person on the planet on my own fucking house. That was, and I'll tell you what, this is all on camera. There's a lot of cool, there is a lot of cool. You're supposed to be on my side.
SPEAKER_06There can't be a debate on this. I had a very sweet moment with a retarded Indian lady at a gas station the other day. I was asking for six milligram wintergreen vellos. Okay. She said, What? What do you mean? And I pulled them out of my pocket and I showed her. And uh she brings them to me and she's holding it upside down. They're nine milligrams, it looks like a six. She's holding it upside down. She shows me and I said, No, six. And she said, It's six. I said, it's upside down. She said, Oh. And then when got the sixes, and she was like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, it's okay. I love you. I love you. You can stay. You can stay. You can stay. You can stay. I love you. And uh must stay. Yeah. If you work at a gas station, if you're Indian and you work at a gas station, I don't care what you do, you can stay. If you don't work at a gas station, get the fuck out.
SPEAKER_08That's the only thing they're still working, dude. The doctor myself a hole right now. The doctors?
SPEAKER_07I didn't say I was like, bro, bro. That shit was good. I'm not trying to eat with my hands like that.
SPEAKER_08If you were right next to her, you wouldn't be saying this shit. If I fucking pulled up with a plate full of biryami and I was just smacking on that shit and my whole fingers was wet, you would not be like, this isn't that bad. I lick them off. That's gross as dude. You're a hot dog.
SPEAKER_06Well, I'll tell you also, they eat full-on cow shit with their hands, also. Uh I don't know if they do. Who's eating shit? Pull up Indians eating shit, please. Let's educate Hugh. Just Google. Not on YouTube. They have a poop throwing fest. No, I'm not bullshitting you. They eat poop. Look up Indians eating poop. This isn't gonna be similar to that. Very similar to poop.
SPEAKER_07Like you'll die.
SPEAKER_06But just look up Indian guy eat poop. The girls get pissed on by a cow in the face. It's very I'm not saying it doesn't exist. It just is is it's normalized.
SPEAKER_07It's part of their culture. What does that say? Hold on, Don. Go back to the poop glock. Dookie glock. Glock dookie is what they're doing. They'll shank each other with cows.
SPEAKER_06Cal dung consumption. They have a report bag and they'll cut the tip off like they're icing a cake, but it'll just be shit and piss in a bag and they'll spray it in their eyes. It's called Glock Dookie. Have you heard of this?
SPEAKER_08No.
SPEAKER_06Not a bit specialist.
SPEAKER_08I went to high school with them. Pull up Glock Dookie. No, dude, hold on. I want to read this. Reports have highlighted incidents, including a doctor from Caldung Consumption. The film eating caldung, claiming it purifies the body, mind, and soul. First of all, no, it doesn't. Okay? It doesn't purify anything. It's shit.
SPEAKER_06I mean, when you go somewhere where they're putting hijabs on goats.
SPEAKER_08It'd make your plants grow.
SPEAKER_06I don't know. I don't know. I'm not much of a myself. I've dabbled, but it's not my favorite. Sorry, Susan.
SPEAKER_07Hijabs. I'm not I don't watch a lot of boxing. I don't know about that.
SPEAKER_06Glock Dookie. Alright, Glockdockie. Glockdookie is disgusting. He's a disgusting improvised weapon. Glockdookie sounds like a Chicago rapper. He just explains a video of an actual Glock Dookie getting sprayed on somebody.
SPEAKER_07SD Kid featuring Glock Dookie. That sounds like a Scouse rapper. Yo. Hey.
SPEAKER_06Can you look up Glock Dookie in action?
SPEAKER_08Okay, that sounds even more rapper-like. Alright. Okay, first of all, your $150 computer was okay with looking up dumb shit. Let's not get too out of hand with my computer.
SPEAKER_06You can't look up black guy spraying shit and piss on a white cop. That's the most safe thing to look up in the fucking world. That's probably it. I think that's it.
SPEAKER_08There we go. Here we go. This is the first yes, I approved click. Where website is this?
SPEAKER_07U N S F D N S F W content.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he's loading it right now. He's um he's putting the ammunition in. He's got he's got a chambered shit against the wall.
SPEAKER_08Holy shit, dude. I couldn't shit under stress like that. This guy's telling him to calm down. The guy came out and told him to calm down. Settle down. I'm gonna fucking throw up, dude. Oh dude, he would have got him. He would have got him with that throw.
SPEAKER_05Alright. Alright. Dude. That's so fucking gross, dude.
SPEAKER_06That's gonna be tough because anyone you send in there, you know you're gonna get shit. That's that's the daily life of a plumber. You go to someone's house, they throw shit at you. They get really mad when you tell them the price, and they grab the poop out of the toilet and they throw it at you.
SPEAKER_08They're like, fuck it, I'll do it my damn stuff. That's very normal. It happens all the time, actually.
SPEAKER_07You get like a riot shield, what what kind of equipment do you come with?
SPEAKER_06Do you uh glock dookie?
SPEAKER_07A glock dookie? You fight fire with fire?
SPEAKER_06I'm fighting shit with poop. Um anyways. Uh what's happening this week? Uh I was a massage brawler this morning, dude.
SPEAKER_08Alright, I don't care about your sex life at all. I don't want to hear about your sex life, dude. I was a massage problem. It was uh That's crazy. Okay, I went there and it was I always was under the impression that only Chinese people, or like Asians, I should say, Thai. Are are uh masseuses and I pulled up there, it didn't even cross my mind that I can get like the most loving big black woman. That's who I got.
SPEAKER_06I got a big black woman, and she needed the fuck out of my back.
SPEAKER_08Bro, she was the best, dog. She had the strongest fucking hands. She kept calling me sugar and baby, and it was nice.
SPEAKER_06You know, she and like imagine what she could do to you with those strong hands.
SPEAKER_08I was scared, bro. It's at one point we were like kind of like talking because I didn't know if you were supposed to be like super like quiet during masseuse, like we're doing massages or not. Like I know some people go in there and they're fucking pass out. Don't make small talk with your masseuse. You said don't? No, dude, that was my least favorite thing about being a masseuse. I hate it when people talk to me. I hate you a masseuse. Yeah, I was a masseuse for a little bit. From masseuse to plumber. Yes, yeah. We were in there, we were like making like small talk almost the whole time. And uh, yeah, but she was like talking to me about how my fucking house was haunted. I told her like she was said that her roots were from South Africa, and she started talking about voodoo. Oh god, and I was like, Yeah, my family's like from Puerto Rico, they did a fuck ton of voodoo in Santeria and shit too. And uh she was like, mm mm, I don't mess with that. Mm mm. And she's like, I don't believe it, eh? Oh yada yada, and I was like, Yeah, me neither. And um the funny actually it was really funny because uh whenever she like comes to like bring me in the room, dude. I this is my first time getting the massage, and I didn't know how it worked. And uh I remember before they like make you sign like Some consent shit, like do you consent to being touched here, here, here, yada yada? And I'm like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, Alright, any uh, she's like, You can take whatever clothing you want off, like any clothing you keep on or boundaries for like the massage therapist. She was like, So if you have the clothing on those boundaries, you can they can't touch there. I was like, okay. So I was like, I'm just strip down into my drawers, like go in there with full tucks. And you walk up, you walk in there like poo bear, huh? Yeah. So I'm like, fucking, I pulled up and I was like, Alright, I just strip down to my drawers, and then she comes in, she's like, Alright, you can lay down on the bed, I'll be back in in like a minute, I'll let you get ready. And I was like, okay. She like like leaves the room and uh she comes back in, and it's like super dim in this room, and like it's like super fucking dark, and like like like it's like like good vibes, I guess. I don't know how to fucking explain it. Like, but it's like super dark in there. Yeah, horny. All right, I took my shirt and I took my shorts off. She's like, just lay on the bed, face down when you're ready. And I was like, okay. Like lay down on the bed, and she's like knocks on the door, she's like, you ready? And I'm like, Yeah. And she comes in, she's like, uh-uh, you gotta get under the sheets.
SPEAKER_01And I was like, I was like, laying on top of the sheets. But no, I wasn't butt naked. She said, uh uh. Yeah, I did.
SPEAKER_10She like opened the door and she was like, uh-uh, you gotta get under the covers. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. I was in my underwear, so I was like, you shouldn't see nothing crazy, but I didn't see the cover. That was like it like covered the whole bed. I didn't know I was supposed to like lift it up and lay under it. She definitely thought you were on some weird shit, too.
SPEAKER_08She was like, uh uh laid under the sheets, baby, and I turned around and she like turned around too, and I was like, oh fuck, dude. Well, I'm not getting a fucking happy ending. She didn't even want to see me in my underwear, so I fucking. And I was just thinking, like, yo, I wonder if like anybody else's first experience, like at a massage parlor, like they didn't know they were supposed to get under the covers, and they stripped down butt ass naked with their ass up in the air on top of the sheets, and it's the same lady.
SPEAKER_10Uh-uh!
SPEAKER_08You gotta get up under the seats. Oh fuck, dude, it was like kind of fucking embarrassing.
SPEAKER_06It's very embarrassing. Don't go back there.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, bro. She kept saying, like, when you come back next time, we come back next time. I was like, bro, I'm not coming back to this place. Yeah. She got me right though, bro. I felt I walked in there and she was like, You got a lot of tension in your hip and lower back. And I was like, I don't think so. Maybe or why? I don't feel like it. She was like, I can tell by how you walked, you got tension in your lower back. I was like, fuck, dude. Well, now you mentioned it.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, my hips been bothering me a little bit.
SPEAKER_08Damn. Yeah, dude, it had the whole ass up in the air. Toot it up. That shit too it up, dude. Too.
SPEAKER_07You were you were actually like a masseuse, or you were like, No, I was I never worked that too. Yeah, I guess it was bullshit.
SPEAKER_06You know how it goes like you depends on who you ask.
SPEAKER_07A girl asks you for a massage and you like give a massage for like a few minutes. Yeah, do you mind if I get naked before I give you massage? You you do an actual massage for like 30 seconds and then all of a sudden, oh dude, you're just massaging ass.
SPEAKER_06I never gave like yeah. During that I never gave a real massage. I went straight to just ass. Oh man.
SPEAKER_07Oh, so much all the tension. That's the kind of massage she was trying to give Alec. She was like, oh bro, your hips and your lower back. Yeah, I asked her too.
SPEAKER_08I was like, I was like, do you got any like crazy? She said she had been doing it for 17 years. I was like, you got any like crazy stories? Oh, do I? I had people grab me, I had people ask me for happy innings, I had people doing yada yada, this and that. She was like, kind of like giving me all like the inside scoop of like what it's like to be a massage parlor. It sounds like Miss Pat. Massage therapist. It sounds like Project Pat though. Pat maybe, man. You just go in and get a massage. Project Pat's there. Alright, lay your ass down. Oh, dude. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a real chicken, chicken, chicken, head, chicken head. Fuck, dude. I wonder if she would have like let me hook up the ox, but yeah, can I play like some music in here? She probably would have. I just played doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. UI for a Mexican boy.
SPEAKER_06UI.
SPEAKER_08How the fuck do you find these videos, Casey?
SPEAKER_06Just guys throwing poop. Guys, so that's not even the video I was talking about. The video I was talking about was a guy at a Ziploc bag. You know, like you ever watch Cake Boss? Yeah. Ziploc bag where they squirt the icing? Yeah. It was a guy he shit and pissed in the Ziploc bag, did all that, squeezed it, made it tight, cut a hole, and then the prison guard came up to the cell and he just squirted in his eye. That was that's far worse than what we saw here. Uh I don't know, I believe I saw that on Twitter, whatever.
SPEAKER_08That shit is nasty. I don't want this popping up. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It was fucking guy. I was dude, I didn't know how much I needed a massage, also. I walked out of there and I felt like loose, bro. I was like, damn, dude. I couldn't imagine I I like hit the gym hard yesterday, so I was a little sore. Like, let me fucking lift heavy. Like so I can get like a little sore. I feel like there's nothing worse than going to a massage parlor and like you're not even sore. You know what I mean? Like your muscles aren't even bothering you. Yeah, yeah, well, like did she beat the shit out of you? Dude, she was strong, dude. She was getting in there, she was strong, bro.
SPEAKER_07Michael fucking Michael Michael Clark Duncan was getting in your shit.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, it was like Michael Clark Duncan, though.
SPEAKER_07Oh we paused.
SPEAKER_08Alright, let's take a break. I never understood any of this shit. What is the Met Gala really even for? Fashion. Is it just fashion? I don't know what happens inside the doors. I think I don't know.
SPEAKER_07I don't think it's like the Hunger Games.
SPEAKER_08Everyone's on Mozempic and they haven't eaten. Dude, it is like the Hunger Games. Every single time they dress up, too, and it's like everyone's there like just to I what are they just there for? Just to watch them dress up?
SPEAKER_07Dude, her face is more sunk in than fucking Atlanta.
SPEAKER_06It's a benefit. Alright. Some okay, fashion exhibition. Where is the money going? So there's no awards. The Metropolitan Museum of Arts Costume Institute. That's well, that's not a real thing. We'll stop pretending that that's real.
SPEAKER_07That's getting funneled to Mom Dom Nick. Mom Dom. I haven't seen what she looks like in forever, and I didn't realize Doja Cat looks like that. First impression? Okay.
SPEAKER_08Also, fuck Doja Cat. I'm kind of like she's scared. No, no, no. Wait, who is this? Who is this? Nicole Kidman? That's that lady from that movie. It looks like the lady from that movie. Who's the Daredevil's girl? Who? Daredevil. You know, the old 2000s. Jennifer. No. No, no. No, you're talking about Jennifer Garner. Jennifer Garner, yeah. Yeah, from Daredevil. That's what she looks like right there. No. Nah. It looks like that missed with the Lorax. I thought that was that was Heidi Klum. Yeah, she does like the Lorax. Yeah, bro. Like the Lorax, dude. The fucking mustache.
SPEAKER_06Some crazy outfits. Get away from the hot people. Let's see some uglies and some bullshit.
SPEAKER_08Oh, hold on, dude. I need time to fucking think. What are we doing?
SPEAKER_06There's just Bieber's wife, blue and gold.
SPEAKER_08Oh, she did the fucking meme thing. Charlie.
SPEAKER_06That's that cokehead British lady. Let's slow down a little bit. Alright, here we go. Here we go. Cardi Bush slow down a little bit. It looks like both of her areolos on her shoulder. Are those assholes? That's a fucking old guy.
SPEAKER_07No, to the right, right there. Tiny hats. Oh, sorry. That's the most interesting yarmulca I've seen in a while.
SPEAKER_08That's not a tawny hat, dude.
SPEAKER_07It's the most interesting yarmulca I've seen in that.
SPEAKER_08That's anti-tiny hat right there. What is that supposed to be on our hip, dude?
SPEAKER_07It's a fucking lace potato chip Jew yarmica. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08That is Joey B in the back. And and just and Jefferson, right behind him.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, if you think Joey B's outfit here is cool, look up his Kentucky Derby outfit. See this.
SPEAKER_08Okay, Charlie.
SPEAKER_06Side note. Pull up uh pull up Joey B at the fucking Kentucky Derby. He looks pretty good. You think this guy's cool?
SPEAKER_08He looks snappy? No. Bro, Joey B is fucking cool, dude. Alright, we'll see this. You can't say he's not cool, bro. Joey B is pretty cool. No, he's not.
SPEAKER_06And also he doesn't even dress good. He doesn't dress good. Where's the. Yeah, there it is. Right. Right there. Right there. That one? No, no, no. To the right. To the right. Right there. Make that big. That's Joe Burrow this past Saturday. Gosh, Joe Burrow fucking sucks, dude. Yeah, and also he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals. So get him the fuck off the screen. Let's go back to the Met Gala. Oh, that's not. Are you kidding me? That's not that bad. How are you supposed to dress at the Derby, dude? Put on a fucking button-up shirt and a fucking blazer. Are you kidding me?
SPEAKER_07You're allowed to dress like an asshole at the Kentucky Derby. He's not dressed like an asshole, he's dressed like a dickhead. Yeah, which is like you have you have free rent. You could wear a fucking pastel suit and you can I got But that's not a pastel suit.
SPEAKER_06That's pastel pants suit with a fucking just a gray t-shirt and a gay ass fedora. I don't know how you're supposed to dress. That's not cool.
SPEAKER_07Do you remember uh that whole thing about whenever like it was it came out that Wes Welker was rolling on Molly at the Kentucky Derby? No, he was just handing out money to people. Wes Welker?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, New England Patriot. Wes Welker? Wes Welker, yeah. I'm sorry, uh he was a Bronco. The Financy?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, like Wes Welker. That's cool. Like Molly at the Kentucky Derby.
SPEAKER_06How come that's kind of sick? I wouldn't have looked that up. But no NFL player has ever worn an undershirt to the Met Gala ever. It's always suit jacket, no undershirt. Look it up. Every time. Bro, he looks snappy, dog. I'm not gonna lie, but I'm giving I'm giving Burrow I'm giving Burrow a nine out of ten. Also, Don, I want to let you know I was not barking orders at you there because that made me sound like a dick. I was I was telling the audience to look it up, but if you want to look it up too, that's cool. I've I can't believe I said it like that. So you don't have to apologize for that. Sorry, Donovan. I don't want to treat Donovan like shit.
SPEAKER_09You're good. Give me something to search. Wait. This is horrible. Could you also please pull up?
SPEAKER_06NFL player Megala, no undershirt. This is horrible outfit. Fan Roast Joe Burroughs, Matt Gellan outfit.
SPEAKER_07West Welker, Kentucky Derby.
SPEAKER_06Oh, that's the same outfit.
SPEAKER_07That is a horrible outfit. Fanroast Welker, Kentucky Derby, Molly.
SPEAKER_06And I'm Oh yeah. The Kentucky Derby Molly? That seems like two things that well actually that mixes pretty well. Horses racing in front of your face while you're high on Molly. Holy moly, that's somehow not worse than Joe Burrow. That's how you dress like a dickhead.
SPEAKER_08Also, is he five foot eight?
SPEAKER_07He's just passing out money to people. He's rolling, sweating his ass off. Look at that. Let me get him brew you here. He's sweating through his suit and just passing out money to strangers. Dude, and I'm telling you, he admitted to the DNA Wally? That's a people's receiver right there. They did drug test him afterward because people do a lot of drugs at the Kentucky Derby. It's thought of as a very waspy kind of sport, you know? But at the same time, like they're all doing cocaine, they're all doing Molly, they're all being around.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, I don't know the uh Ari on the biggest.
SPEAKER_06Yes, please, if you don't mind. Uh whatever you can reach.
SPEAKER_08I don't know. You're allowed to drive in the Met Gala. Worst outfit I've seen so far. Well, dude, does everything need to be inclusive? Honestly. Donnie you good. Does everything need to be inclusive? No.
SPEAKER_06We can't just like made the uh the recluse spider.
SPEAKER_08Oh, is this uh the brown the brown recluse?
SPEAKER_07Brown spot.
SPEAKER_06That's a good one, dude.
SPEAKER_07That's a good one. Just the the dark knight doesn't rise. Uh the dark knight stabs somebody on a track in London.
SPEAKER_06You got the head. Dude, Huey, you can be racist on the podcast. No, it's not even just bombed.
SPEAKER_00Boo.
SPEAKER_06If we fucking cut everything that bombed, I wouldn't have any time on this shit. Is this Hunter Schaefer?
SPEAKER_07Is this just another white lady that looks like that is the conquistador fit I was talking about? Yeah, that's Brian of Tarth.
SPEAKER_06What is the conquistador fit?
SPEAKER_07Luisa Jacobson looking like Anan Cortez. Like she's about to conquer the Aztecs.
SPEAKER_06I'm trying to conquer the Aztecs. I'm taking that enough.
SPEAKER_08Trying to get taken that in the call. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_06Shout out to Tequila for my boner. Who is this?
SPEAKER_07We're looking at West Welker on Molly. Okay. We're back at she's she's got the chain mail. Louisa Jacobson. She's protected from stabbings in the UK. I like that one.
SPEAKER_06Are those actual coins? Oh no. Her vitals are open to Somalians. Oh, yeah. She's got way open, dude. She's protecting the wrong parts.
SPEAKER_07Okay. They go for the dirty. Quick Google search. Louisa Jacobson Jewish. Because there's coins on that outfit.
SPEAKER_06Oh, dude, if it turns out to be true. If it turns out to be true this evening of the podcast, we're done for this week if this lady's Jewish. No evidence. Hell yeah. And we keep going. 10 out of 10. Is that her with Meryl Streep? Who's that? Uh that might be. Yeah, that is Meryl Streep. She's with Meryl Streep. Nepo friend of the child, possibly. Is that her mom?
SPEAKER_09Yeah, it's her mom.
SPEAKER_06Oh, a full-on Nepo baby. Wow. Meryl Streep Jewish. See, that's crazy because they even in Hollywood, the ladies get their dad's last name. Even if the woman kept their famous last name, the dads still get the dude.
SPEAKER_08We really do run shit, bro.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. We run shit. I'm glad to see Hollywood do something uh trad. So saying you own your wife is probably not going to go well.
SPEAKER_08Well, the thing is she always like throws it in my face. She's like, you know, people used to give up land and give up their farm animals and stuff to like get someone's hand in marriage. I was like, yeah, that's because at once upon a time we like they dead ass owned you. They literally owned you. They had to give some shit up and then they owned you.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, think about it. If you post a dishwasher on Facebook Marketplace now, if someone wants to trade, they're gonna give you something valuable. Like they're not gonna offer you a fucking beer, they're gonna give you their fucking fridge. Something else that does something. It's gonna it's gonna retain value.
SPEAKER_08I don't know. Maybe I won't say it. Her dad's kind of scary. Yeah, but he lives far away. Who gives a fuck? That's fair. What's he gonna do? Shoot a bone at him. Okay. He's gonna send a pigeon to threaten me.
SPEAKER_07Are we done with the Met Gala shit?
SPEAKER_08Yeah, um, I don't know who we might as well be. Let's yeah, let's get on some.
SPEAKER_07Let's do a few more Met Gala just so we have extra because I don't I didn't see yeah, let's go.
SPEAKER_06I'm in a good mood, so let's do an extra 30 anyway, so we have time for everything.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, just so I have extra shit to clip, because there's gonna be some funny ones. Okay, yeah, all right. All right, hit the hit together.
SPEAKER_06Hey, Donovan, will you do me a favor actually? Will you Google instead of Met Gala outfits, will you just Google the most ridiculous Met Gala outfits ever uh just this year, just to get a few so we can like kind of clip for them like Huey said. Sorry, listeners, but uh we're gonna fuck you here because we're not big enough for you to even be listening.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, Mike Wiley, fucking pay attention.
SPEAKER_06Mike Wiley, I hope you're Googling every name we said.
SPEAKER_08No, I'm gonna I think I'm gonna dude.
SPEAKER_06I'd like to think that Mike Wiley's stroking his fucking cock. Listen to this. Come on, Mike. Get it up, get it up, put down the whiskey, pick up your dick, slap that dick on your forehead, get a couple more bits in your hood. Come on.
SPEAKER_08I think he might be, he's the second biggest Anonymous. Anonymous. I haven't even heard of these fucking people. They're just pumping out celebrities now. We're just making the fucking fucking acronyms.
SPEAKER_06You know what? This is the move for people you haven't heard of, is the way ridiculous shit. And also, you know, to go to the Met Gala, you have to pay. You pay to get here. So there was a who's that lady? Will you pull up uh I'm sorry, Donovan? Uh will you pull up the Sarah Paulson, the lady from American Horror Story? Will you look that up and then before you do, oh I'm sorry, go ahead and look that up and then put another one next to it and look up how much it costs to attend the Met Gala because you have to pay to go. Get this. Get this. It's crazy.
SPEAKER_08You have to pay to get out of here. You have to pay invited?
SPEAKER_06You get invited, but you get invited to pay. You get invited to pay? You get invited to pay. That sounds like only the richest of the rich people can go. $100,000 per person. Go to Sarah Paulson's thing. Go to Sarah Paulson's outfit for the 2026 Matt Gallow.
SPEAKER_08That's like a fucking week's work of worth for me.
SPEAKER_06Look at this. Look at this. And uh her outfit was anti-capitalist outfit. After spending $100,000 to come to this, she wore this. As a as in her words, a statement against capitalism. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08I wish you fucking tripped and chipped a tooth, dog.
SPEAKER_06$100,000 to the fucking, what was it, the Marine Corps in New York, or what the fuck was it? Uh it might as well be. It's bullshit. The the whole fund is. Everyone knows the Marine Corps.
SPEAKER_09Whatever it was. Tables for the event start at $350,000.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it costs $350,000 to go see somebody put on a ridiculous outfit that paid $100,000 to be there. You could be in it for $100,000, but to watch it is $350.
SPEAKER_01Look up uh let's see if I I doubt there's anything on this, but look up the percentage of Jewish people that are being in the audience.
SPEAKER_07Do you think they have course light, the Met Gala? They definitely don't. All they have is Micro Multra and Liquor.
SPEAKER_08I'll fuck with this one. You fuck with this? Yeah, this is kind of tough. Do you mind going to this?
SPEAKER_06It's like Kanye being on your shoulder at all times. Let me find a midget really fast. Do you mind putting on a skin suit and hopping on my shoulder? That's dead. That's a real midget.
SPEAKER_08It's a little guy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_08That's 150. Well, no, it's like it's like the little who's the little Mexican midget dude from Eastbound Down. The Mexican guy. Oh, dude, that's the greatest.
SPEAKER_07Oh, that's the K-pop chick.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, she's uh Is that Demon Hunter? Black black pink or whatever. Black pink. Black pink. Yep. Well, is that Ray Ray J's girlfriend?
SPEAKER_06Black pink? That's the uh that's the verbiage for pulling down a black lady's panties. Black pink. There's Katie. Let's go, Katie. Katie Perry is under uh investigation for sexual assault. She was allowed to be at the Met Gala. Kanye was not allowed to be at the Met Gala.
SPEAKER_08For say for obvious reasons, though. I mean, come on, dude.
SPEAKER_06I mean, how Hitler versus sexual assault, you tell me what you think. I'm not gonna say what I think about it.
SPEAKER_08No, it's because he's gonna have his wife stripped down in front of the camera again. We just talked about this. He doesn't have that wife anymore. Bianca? She's gone. She's gone?
SPEAKER_00Nah. Bianca left. No, she's gonna go to the game. Dude, no, she's gone.
SPEAKER_06She's gone. Look it up. I follow Kanye like I follow uh No way. He keeps up with it. Bianca left. Bianca and Kanye are done. Yeah, she's gone. Look it up. Look at it. What are you talking about? Look at it. Bianca and Kanye are done. Separated early 2025. You guys are late to the party.
SPEAKER_07Holy fuck, this is a year ago. Other people said that was false. That was like just false, like that was false flag shit. Like they're trying to spread controversy.
SPEAKER_06It's not. She's wearing tiny outfits for another guy right now. He works for JP Morgan and his name is Don. Look it up. I'm just kidding. I was just going to call you John. Your name is Donovan.
SPEAKER_08Wait, did he really break up? Is that true, dude? Yeah, they broke up with me right now. Dude, who gives a fuck?
SPEAKER_06I cared about the Kim K thing. I don't care about this. This is just some study ad parade around.
SPEAKER_08That is fair. I don't give a fuck about Bianca. I'm worried about Kanye West's mental health, dude. Kanye West's mental health? Dude, actually, he might release another album. I'll tell you something.
SPEAKER_06It's a good decade to be worried about Kanye's mental health. Dude, bully is fire. That's great. I've listened to Bully probably 15 times already. That's great. How about Reba McIntyre still doing advertisements? This bug-eyed fucking. Oh, we're checking out Bo Jack Worst. What is he called?
SPEAKER_08Cat cat what is it? Cathead? Fishhead? Yeah. Fucking fishhead.
SPEAKER_06Fish head. I've always hoped to catch some head while I'm fishing. I don't know. Got that. There's something there, but it's not happening tonight.
SPEAKER_08I don't know. It's May 5th, dog. Let's get the conquistadors up on the conquistadors.
SPEAKER_06Can you look up best good? Just tell me what Google says on this best Mexican of all time. Tell me what Google says. This is the uh the Cinco de Mayo listeners deserve to hear the best Mexican of all time. And I'm gonna go ahead and say it's Jack Black in Nacho Libre. This gotta be the best Mexican of all time. I thought this refreshing it was the same dude.
SPEAKER_05Chavez.
SPEAKER_06Hey, old season. Go ahead for the anti-sucadamoro listeners. Look up the worst Mexican of all.
SPEAKER_08Wait, no, dude. It's gonna be. How is it not fucking uh it's all boxers? Who's the drug? Who's the drug lord? Chapo.
SPEAKER_05How's it not Chapo, dude? Uh who's Colombian now? No, that's Mexico.
SPEAKER_06Are you guys caught up on uh Mincho? Do y'all know about Mincho? El Mincho? No, no?
SPEAKER_08I know about Bronco 956.
SPEAKER_06Bronco 956! Uh El Mincho, he was a drug lord in Mexico and he got uh basically the US was gonna go and get him, and the cartel found him first and killed him before the U.S. could get him because he was gonna talk to the U.S. And uh Mexican killed him. That's the whole civil war in Mexico right now. It was based off of uh El Mincho. And uh he was like basically like a Robin Hood of Mexico. He's a drug lord, but he'd give back to the communities that he was a drug lord.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, I know this guy.
SPEAKER_07He was passing turkeys out in the hood. Yes, yes, he talked about.
SPEAKER_06He was Mexico's Philadelphia Eagle. And uh Bruno Mars. He does look like Bruno Mars. All my information on uh Mexico comes from some great guys I know personally, and uh it's all real information. But El Mincho was El Mincho was the man Mexico killed their own man, and now that's causing the civil war that's happening in Mexico. Right now. Yeah, they're all fucking each other.
SPEAKER_07All the different regions, like all the different little like sub group sub gangs.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, they're getting each other. And it breaks my heart because I'm uh I'm a quarter Mexican.
SPEAKER_08No, the fuck you are not.
SPEAKER_06My grandma's name, my great grandma's name was Juanita Juanita Opal Smith. She married a white guy. It was the first white guy.
SPEAKER_08Mega? Mega. That was an M. Mega. It was an M. Capital M. Capital M.
SPEAKER_06Capital M A I G G A. I will never say the hard M.
unknownThe hard M. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05M and M? Mexican. Mexican. Mexican. That's a hard M. Welcome to the club. Where do you show?
SPEAKER_06You just spilled my beer on my knee. It fucking wasn't me this time. Dude, you bumped into me to spill it.
SPEAKER_07I was giving you a fist bump. I just got sabotaged. Whatever. Were you getting like extra like extra tips today? They're like, hey, this is for your people. Dude, I was off today, bro. Actually.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, it gave me a day off, dude. I earned my independence, but I'm the Mexican, I'm the most Mexican guy there. They're like, yeah, you deserve this day off. I want my independence with the French, dude.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Do you ever fuck around like if someone just assumes? Because you know, like half of Texas just assumes if you're if you're your complexion, you're Mexican. Yeah, 100%. They don't even realize like that there's Guatemalans and Salvadorans and all that shit. That doesn't exist. There's anything south of the border is just Mexico.
SPEAKER_06And Mexican. Yeah. That's it. And you can tell all by the hair.
SPEAKER_07To them, like the World Cup is the World Cup is finding out what country each Mexican's from.
SPEAKER_08That's good. No, also, you're wrong on that. I promise you right now, if you blur it out the face between like any Asian descent person and a Mexican descent person looked at their hair, it's identical.
SPEAKER_06We have a guy for this. I'll tell the difference between all of them right there.
SPEAKER_08Donovan, do some research.
SPEAKER_06Well, it's pull up Mexican hair, Asian hair, light skin hair, and Guatemalan hair. And I'll tell you each one.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, Filipinos. Alright, pause it. Pause it. What is this? Alright, so let me all do the intro. So we were we were talking about the Kentucky Derby. West Welker allegedly doing Molly and you know his horse winning. He was passing out money to everybody. Because uh apparently the Kentucky Derby, even though it's like a high society event, you know, it's expensive to go to, and it's a lot of rich people when you dress up and you wear fucking Brooks Brothers bullshit. Um people wild the fuck out. You know, people are doing cocaine, they're doing Molly, they're doing all kinds of shit. Fucking Dave Portnoy uh pulling up with some girl on a god on a with a dog collar or whatever, the the Kentucky Derby. People people go crazy there. And uh the first person to document that was uh Hunter S. Thompson. He was uh Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, yeah. The cult classic movie movie. He was the journalist who first wrote about kind of broke everyone's conception about what the Kentucky Derby is. He'd be like, you guys thought this was all the fucking Masters tournament? No. Not even closer. It's it's it's Tomorrowland, but with horse racing. And uh, and yeah, so this is a look into his uh his daily routine? His his uh human optimization, his fucking Andrew Huberman human human optimization schedule. So have a look here. Boys, we want to just go through this.
SPEAKER_06Will you read through the schedule and then we'll talk about it after?
SPEAKER_07I'd be happy to. Hunter S. Thompson's daily routine. 3 p.m. rise. 3 p.m. dude. 3 p.m.
SPEAKER_06rise, that's uh 3 p.m. yeah. That's a thing. Alright, okay.
SPEAKER_07Uh brother is running from the sun like Dracula. As uh got that. 305 uh 305, Shabbos Regal, whiskey with morning papers and cigs. Great. Dunhills, by the way, the Dunhill cigarettes.
SPEAKER_0640 minutes later?
SPEAKER_0740 minutes later, cocaine. Yes. All lowercase stylized, by the way. Uh that's the way he'd write it. Lowercase. 350, another glass of Shabbaz, another cig. 405. Look at this guy. He's he's waiting. They say it's good to wait an hour after waking up to have your first coffee.
SPEAKER_08At least he hit that on the fucking noggin. He had cocaine. He did do that. An hour and five minutes. 45 minutes. This guy is the 45 minutes into waking up doing cocaine.
SPEAKER_05What a guy.
SPEAKER_07Here's the thing. Dude, this is just Cole's northern. We'll talk about it later. Is Hunter S. Thompson a looks maxer? Because he's not spiking his cortisol by having coffee within an hour of waking.
SPEAKER_06He's not. He's not. He sure isn't.
SPEAKER_07Uh so first coffee at 4.05 p.m. Another sig. 4.15 cocaine. 416 orange juice. This is a thirsty one. Gotta get the vitamin C, dude. This is a thirsty guy.
SPEAKER_06416, hour and 16 minutes into waking up, two bumps of Coke. A couple cigs, some coffee, then you get your vitamin C.
SPEAKER_07If I was really trying to optimize at that 416. 14 minutes later. At that OJ cigarette, I'd probably add in a blue chew. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, dude. Blue chew is go ahead and get hard because in 14 minutes you're gonna have to do. Holy moly, cocaine back to Alright, QE, go ahead.
SPEAKER_07Alright, so 4 30 p.m. cocaine. 24 minutes later, cocaine.
SPEAKER_06Yes. And then less than Was this an everyday thing?
SPEAKER_0711 minutes later, more cocaine? 11 minutes later, more cocaine. Another coffee. Again, he's pacing his coffees out, I will say.
SPEAKER_08Yes, he's doing well with that. Dude, this guy wakes up when the sun's like almost going down and it doesn't go outside until the sun's down. He's a real nighthawk.
SPEAKER_07Aside from the orange juice, he's he's technically fasting. Like he's like he's doing intermittent.
SPEAKER_06You know what? Depending on how he drinks his coffee, aside from the orange juice, I haven't tracked a single calorie. Not one. So he's sugar-free orange juice. Yeah, that's a black coffee kind of guy right there.
SPEAKER_07Honestly, he really is. Like he's uh he's an Americano. Oh my god. When we get to Okay, what's next? Coffee, Don Hills, more ice in the Chevazz, more whiskey, cocaine, etc. etc.
SPEAKER_06Etc. etc. probably hookers more cocaine.
SPEAKER_07Cocaine, etc. Yeah, well, you gotta fuck on an empty stomach. That's fasted cardio.
SPEAKER_06For sure, dude. You gotta look good for your lady. Yeah, you gotta do it on it. And also, uh, I'll say here 6 p.m. grass to take the edge off of the day, and your only edge is just getting coked out all day. Yeah, dude, come on, dude. Yeah, I've been fucking drunk out all day. It's time to leave relaxed. He's been away for 75 minutes. I'm not bullshitting. This might be the smartest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. This is the most relaxed slash productive day you can have. Coffee, coke, coffee, coke, cigarette, cigarette, coffee, coke. You have all been grass to take the edge off? I can't believe you had poetry. I'm going to probably change my lifestyle a little bit. Uh, my job is not very important.
SPEAKER_09Lunch at 7 p.m., mind you. Lunch at 7 p.m.
SPEAKER_07What's it? 7 p.m. uh. plugging Woody Creek Tavern for lunch, Heineken. Heineken.
SPEAKER_06Dude, you gotta squeeze in the beer. You gotta squeeze in.
SPEAKER_07Okay, so my kind of people switch it up to a beer, two margaritas, coleslaw, taco salad. Oh, double order of fried onions.
SPEAKER_06So you're eating fucking coleslaw, taco salad, throwing that whole thing away. Double fried onion rings. Fuck the shit you did before.
SPEAKER_08What the fuck is a bean fritter?
SPEAKER_06Ice cream, a bean fritter, Dunhill's another Heineken, cocaine. Alright, so we're finally getting to the calories at 7.05 p.m. So this is a fast. I like he uh oh dude, okay.
SPEAKER_08I love this.
SPEAKER_06Nine o'clock. Well, all the other times before we was joking. Start snorting cocaine seriously at nine o'clock. So yeah, just kidding. And then also an hour later, drops acid. What a fucking guy. And then 11 o'clock, uh, chartreuse, a French liquor, if you didn't know, cocaine and more weed. 30 minutes later, more cocaine, etc. etc. So I'd have to have seen more uh more chartreuse, more cocaine, more weed. Uh, maybe, maybe triple onion rings, who knows? And at midnight, Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write this all in preparation to write. He's ready to watch 12.05. 6 a.m. Chartreuse, cocaine, weed, shavat, coffee, heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit. Nice. Dunhill's orange juice and gin. Continuous pornographic movies. And at 6, when he gets done with that, we're doing hot tub champagne. We're doing a celebration. At six o'clock in the morning, we're doing hot tub champagne. And dove bars of soap, I'd assume, and fettuccine alfredo.
SPEAKER_07No, dove bars is like is like like like uh ice cream. No, it's like ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fuck with that hard. That's pretty tough. So you're not going to be able to do that.
SPEAKER_06I'll tell you, that is a lot of people will say, oh, I work hard all day. I've been lifting shit all day. I've been moving shit around all day, I've been working at the plant, this and that. Try doing Coke from 3 p.m. To coke, liquor, champagne, beer, double order of onion rings, taco salad, coffee throughout the day, all of that, cigarettes, and also uh, I'm sorry if I'm forgetting this, grapefruit. Hey, he's not to 6 p.m.
SPEAKER_07He's not vitamin C deficient. No, yeah, one simple orange juice.
SPEAKER_06Also, we're talking about a fucking three hour span of all this shit. Also, I love I want to throw this. Well, no, I'm I'm trying to do that. I love that I'm not three hours at all. That's from three. Wait, did this say 3 p.m.? 3 p.m. to 6. I'm I'm too drunk to do the math there. 3 p.m. Ask me how many beers I've had, though. Um or two. Um matter how much time, this could be 48 hours. This is too much drugs, too much beer, too much onion rings. This is not much more. At 8 20 p.m., you call it a night. Oh, I'm sorry. 8 p.m. Halmosatic.
SPEAKER_07Whoalcy on. It's like an ambient. It's a very sleeping pill. It's a strong sleeping pillow.
SPEAKER_08Cocaine all day, bro. You're not that's also why I think this is funny. Is like you do cocaine from 3 p.m. till six in the morning.
SPEAKER_06This guy lived his life in another realm.
SPEAKER_07Here's the thing though. Like, how strong is this fucking halcyon? Because he's doing that much cocaine all fucking day, and within 20 minutes, he's knocked out. No, he's not. That's impressive.
SPEAKER_06Did you that much coke and maybe we're gonna sleep at night? That's impressive. Starting doing coke at 3 45. I need to look at the city. Yeah, it's a side of his house. We pull up the mentally challenged person and then uh you can depart. Yemist, what'd you say it was called? What's the Yemish person called? I Yemish person? Third row, third picture. Yem Yemeni. Yeah, let's go ahead and do blondie. First up front. No, that's gonna put me in a bad mood. X out of that, Donovan. Scroll up. I need a more happy-go-lucky kind. First one. Very first picture. Yeah, go ahead and make that full screen. As big as you can make it, focus on the face. Special Olympics, no thing. Will you pass me one of those cores lights? I need to see uh if this one's too hard for you. That's perfect. There we go. Yeah. Zoom in on the face. Zoom in on the face.
SPEAKER_07Okay. I'm in a good mood. Dude, I'm in such a better mood. My my fucking whole vibe got shit on on the drive up. Yeah, that does suck, dude.
SPEAKER_06Was the the key to male loneliness, a podcast with your retarded friends? That's it. I'm doing this for you, Casey. Yeah, I'm doing this for you, too. I'm not doing this for the money. I'm worried about shit. I don't care about the money. Dude, I'm so worried about you. I'm here every week. Alright, Donnie. Look how small that kid's teeth are. Alright, buddy. Donovan.
SPEAKER_07Holla holla. You're the best, Donovan. Later, later. If the key to male loneliness isn't a podcast with your retarded friends, I think it's about to be a fucking weekend with my retarded friends. Oh bro, dude. Dude, yeah. We fucking talked about it, dude. Alright, dude. Let's weekends. I'm so fucking fired up.
SPEAKER_06Alex getting married. The Chinese girl is out of the picture now. Out of the picture, dude. We shipped her back. Good lord.
SPEAKER_04Dude, I was so tired. I couldn't understand. Next time you guys see me, I will officially be a slave.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Yeah. The lightest can slave viewers.
SPEAKER_08I was like talking to her, because I wanted, bro, I wanted so badly to find an hour of time to like squeeze in a podcast this weekend because we're going to be there the whole weekend, right? Yeah. The wedding's one day, but we're going to be the whole weekend. I just need one hour. I just need an hour. We'll cut it down to an hour, dude. And she was like, can we please for the for the nicest way possible? Can we please only do wedding stuff this weekend? And I was like, alright, fine, you're right.
SPEAKER_06That's crazy, because uh me and Kinsey, we've looked over the itinerary of the schedule multiple times, probably a dozen times over. We found 13 hours of sex that we're gonna have. Um I haven't talked to her about this yet. But I think that we talk probably for like 13 hours. It's a whole Google spreadsheet, actually. Yeah, no, I have it, I haven't mapped out. I know I'm I'm pretty realistic. She doesn't know about this? No, she doesn't know about this. The 13 times, I mean it's only like a two-hour span. It's not that long. And whole thing. Dude, like, come on, like, put up with it for your boy. For your boy, come on now.
SPEAKER_08We're talking about 25 of the life. Put up with it and put out, bitch. Put up and put out. Come on, dude. Put me on a radio show. I got something to say about sports. Put up and put out, bro. What the fuck are we doing? If I can't fuck for 13 hours on my wedding getaway trip, what the fuck can I do?
SPEAKER_06If we ever make it, I'm gonna plug my personal phone number and then all of you can just call me. If you have anything to say about sports, pussy, plumbing, any of those three, call me. I'll talk about uh we'll talk about it all day. I'll be your best friend.
SPEAKER_07Once we start getting more friends, when we get to a phase where we get callins, bro, we're gonna be printing money. As far as it's like it's literally, we won't have to talk about anything. Oh just fucking.
SPEAKER_06There's a podcast I'm gonna show you guys after we do this podcast. Um it literally is based off Collins, and it's one of the funniest podcasts I've ever listened to ever. Colin Farrell?
SPEAKER_04No. Colin Oh, is this girl Johansson's husband?
SPEAKER_06The the SNL guy? Weekend updates? Colin Farrell no. She married Colin Farrell? Is there two Colin Farrells? Yes, there is. There's S and L and there's the actor. Are you thinking of Will Farrell? No. No, no, no. No, Colin Farrell. Yeah, the Canadian actor. The Bulls. No, he's from Scottish. He's Scottish. He's Irish, one of those two. So who's Scarlett Johansson's wife? Because his name is Colin. Husband. She's not a Lesbo, dude. I checked. Vigorously checked harder. Vigorously checked, dude. Because I got harder and I found out. Uh Colin Cabernet. Colin Just. Anyways. Colin Kaepernick is married.
SPEAKER_08That's Colin Cavernick. Whatever. Anyways. Anyway. Yeah, this week is going to be this. I don't know. You're going to have a lot of sex on your wedding trip, but let's talk about my wedding trip. No, I'm not, dude. Oh, also, bro, I need you boys to fucking lock in and talk to God and hopefully he rain rain go away, dude. The weather looks bad Friday and Saturday.
SPEAKER_06I can't stop thinking about. That's enough. Okay. It's going to be wet enough at least. Floyd Mayweather in a hat. It's way too big for him. Keep seeing it. Keep seeing it. That hat's way to be too big for him.
SPEAKER_08Dude, I want um. Also, that haircuts are. I want the weather to be good, bro, because I want to be able to float the river Saturday. What's the what's the weather? It's going to be cold. It's going to be very cold. The wire itself is going to be cold, but like we kept looking checking out the weather, bro, and like it was like it was like 45% Thursday and Friday, and 0% Saturday. And then it would go to 75% Friday and 75% Saturday. And then it was like 40% Friday, 0% Saturday, and then the next day it was like 50-50 for both days. So I don't know what's going to happen.
SPEAKER_06This is the most amateur problem of all time. It does. It's not a big problem. You have got to make a Jewish friend. Yeah, dude, that's what I'm saying, bro. We'll tell you what's going to happen on Saturday. I'm going to have to hit up.
SPEAKER_08You could you could call in a favor. I need a favor, dude. Come on, dude. I need a blessing, bro. I want the weather to be good. What's Adam Friedland doing? If the weather's good, I will thank the Jews in my groom speech. Like 100%. You're already eating.
SPEAKER_06Is it your groom speech? Uh I'm gonna I'm gonna detonate a fucking grenade. Don't say that. I have to cut that.
SPEAKER_07Did you already hire a rabbi to bless all of our food? Because all of your fucking things are. Yeah, dude, all the food's kosher. All the food's kosher, bro.
SPEAKER_08All the food for the fucking wedding's gonna be kosher, bro. Everything's gonna be fucking great.
SPEAKER_07I think I killed KC. Uh what was the mic hot whenever we were talking about your fucking KC? I didn't like that. Whenever you're talking about your fucking kosher, I didn't fucking like that at all, bro.
SPEAKER_10I went home and I was like, could you believe Alec?
SPEAKER_05Dude, I was fucking I was like, dude. First class plane ride gossiping you about kosher.
SPEAKER_06Can you believe he thought I was tweaking, I was like, she was like, how's a pocket? It's like you wouldn't believe it. Alec thought kosher had something to do with ingredients.
SPEAKER_08Bro, it's just joking. Dude, I'm not even joking, bro. Everything within my fridge that is kosher happens to have like a hundred less ingredients than the equivalent of that same food that's not kosher. No, I'm not joking, bro. Would you say that uh look? I'm telling you, look, okay. I went to I went to HEB and we we we fucking we'll get like just creamer for coffee, right? We'll just get like sweet cream for coffee. And the HEB sweet cream has like 15 ingredients in it, and the kosher sweet cream has three ingredients in it, dude. Well, I'll tell you, I bought it.
SPEAKER_00And then the same thing with the cheese. It's not because it's kosher. I'm just saying that's it.
SPEAKER_08I'm not saying it's because it's kosher. I'm just saying, like, it happens to be when it is kosher, bro. I'm just saying, dog.
SPEAKER_06I was uh I was at the grocery store and after after this, after this whole talk, sir, I went to the grocery store and I was looking, I was looking for kosher labeled stuff. Hey, where's your kosher on the street? I found a kosher cream cheese with six million less ingredients.
SPEAKER_01Can you believe it? Can you believe it? Can you believe it? No ashes in the cream cheese.
SPEAKER_06Zero. I'm in denial. I'm in denial. Dude, I'm so tired of getting fucking provolum with ashes in it.
SPEAKER_04Come on. These fucking Nazis are serving us ju food.
SPEAKER_06And it doesn't taste good. Six million less ingredients. If you buy kosher, go to your local grocery store.
SPEAKER_07Go to your local grocery store and buy and go No and Boig cream cheese.
SPEAKER_08Stop buying your daughter yogurt to get it, bro. I'm a retard, bro. I wasn't chosen for this shit, dog. This shit was not promised to me, but I'll tell you what. I'm so confident about it.
SPEAKER_10Dude, I thought I was serious. Go take my fridge. Everything in there has four or less ingredients. Four or less ingredients.
SPEAKER_07You can just do that by just getting healthier food. Doesn't it have to be blessed by a rabbi, bro? You don't have to get the fucking piss droppings of a rabbi on there.
SPEAKER_05I went vegan and a Jewish guy gave me a high five. Come on. I don't normally eat meat.
SPEAKER_06You didn't see the guy in the hat call you brother?
SPEAKER_08Fuck, dude. Alright, bro. I get it. I get it, dude. So did you get a reasonable?
SPEAKER_06Did the animals have the code to the door to the underground in New York?
SPEAKER_08Yes, they did, dude. There's tunnels all over that bitch, bro.
SPEAKER_06Tunnels.
SPEAKER_08Alright, dude. We get it, dude. Anyway, this weekend. Do you ever play washers? Yeah. I'm gonna fuck you up in washers as well. Washers? Down. Alright, there you go.
SPEAKER_07I'll probably cornhole. No cornhole?
SPEAKER_08No, we'll bring cornhole, too. But I'm cornhole. Washers? No, I'm gonna I'm bringing washers too. When I went to the river with my pops, we played washers. That motherfucker is nice, dude. He was like swishing them shit. Nothing but net, dog. So what is it? You bring washers. Dude, you gotta meet my dad.
SPEAKER_05You say you bring washers. How many women are you bringing?
SPEAKER_06Just kidding, dude. What's your dad like? Is he still an asshole? Is he a piece of shit still?
SPEAKER_08Yeah, dude. He's just honestly like if you get on with the daddy, dude.
SPEAKER_06You know, if if you don't know your dad, and I don't know my dad, maybe your dad knows my dad.
SPEAKER_08That's usually it's like the same club, they all hang out together.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. It's like it's it's like it's their Freemasonry.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, it's just being an absent dad. Deadbeat Masons. That's fucking that's what it is, bro. Deadbeat Masons, dog. But we're not running the world, dude. I'm running. Where my paycheck's going this week, bro. I'm not paying no child support.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. No. Just running away from my firstborn son. We are joined by the baby's mate. But uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_08Nah, he's cool.
SPEAKER_06Maybe he's like baby Grogu and the Mandalorian will find it.
SPEAKER_08He's like Baby Gronk, dude. He's retarded. He's just fucking mossing 12-year-olds. Yeah. It's gotta be weird.
SPEAKER_06What if your dad does it the whole wedding? He's just like playing catch with the kids, he's like mossing them, pushing them down.
SPEAKER_08Dude, I remember like growing up, my stepdad used to fucking always talk shit about my dad and be like, or not talk shit about him.
SPEAKER_06Dude, that's thing. I was just like, you know, like I didn't want to spank you. Like that hurt me. But your dad's not around too.
SPEAKER_01Your dad was a piece of shit.
SPEAKER_06You thought me hurting you was bad? Your dad used to hit your mom.
SPEAKER_08I would never, I would hit you. I would not hit your mom. We would pull up, we would pull up to like he would like drop me off. Like my stepdad would like drop me off at like my dad's house like on the weekend, like whenever I was like eight. Jesus Christ. Conflict of interest. He never had a shirt on. Like ever. Which one? Your stepdad? No, my dad. Oh, I was gonna say your stepdad dropped off. No, my dad would like pull up to like meet us outside. He never had yeah, he never had a shirt on, bro. And he's like ripped, bro. He was like, he looks like Matthew McConaughey. And then my my mom would be in the passenger seat always. And my dad would my stepdad would be driving, and he'd pull up, and I'd know it would irk my fucking stepdad because he'd see my dad like ripped his fucking no shirt on with a beer in his hand, like, hey, and my stepdad would be like, This motherfucker, dude, every fucking time I'll come over.
SPEAKER_06This car doesn't have a shirt on. Yep. That's if I was a biological father of an estranged child, every time the kid got dropped off, I'd be chopping firewood every time. I'm talking about the middle of a bench pressing, he's just bench pressing the middle of the day.
SPEAKER_01I live in the middle of the skinnies.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, he's like just drops the rim a foot on the nine football just packed in his windmill.
SPEAKER_04When the window 90 mile an hour fastballs on the side of your house.
SPEAKER_07A mile away.
SPEAKER_06What's that noise? Is there trees falling? You pull up and it's their biological dad throwing fastballs in the house. The whole driver's so loud, and your wife is like, I know it must be somebody's chopping trees down, just throwing 90 miles an hour into the study.
SPEAKER_10That's gotta be the best.
SPEAKER_06Being in a straight biological father has to be the best because you already fucked that lady. That's already your kid. You're like, all right.
SPEAKER_07Might as well take my shirt off. The new guy? Oh, fuck with the new guy. Someone's babies didn't for me.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah. All right, how was he? He was good. Was it good for you? All right. I'll give him a specin. Yeah.
SPEAKER_08My shoulder's getting cold. I'm gonna go back to the mound.
SPEAKER_05I'm gonna show him how to pitch.
SPEAKER_08Dude. Holy fuck.
SPEAKER_05Biological father's gotta be the best role, especially if you haven't been there for a while, getting them right back around.
SPEAKER_08It's like backup quarterback.
SPEAKER_05All right, like I'll whoop them into shape.
SPEAKER_08You couldn't, I'll you couldn't do being the biological father, and you're like you haven't been around too much, it's like being the backup quarterback. If you're down by 40, you're like, fuck it, I got some more playing time. Turn into homelander, so fuck it, dude.
SPEAKER_06Dude, you're fucking you're a pussy. You haven't killed anybody yet?
SPEAKER_07I like is being the biological father like you're practicing getting the stepdad's name wrong in the mirror. Yeah. You're just rattling off like, oh, his name's Dan. Oh, sorry, Dave. Yeah, sorry, Dave. Oh, Derek. Daniel? Van?
SPEAKER_04Like the shoe? Dude, come on, I don't wear a van. I'm not 16 anymore.
SPEAKER_08Dan, like that Eminem song about the guy that was obsessed with the biological father? Fuck that name.
SPEAKER_04No, that's 10. Oh, you know that song you dude, come on, dude. Nobody listens to that fucking song.
SPEAKER_07Oh, your name's Drax? Dude, I love Guardians of the Galaxy. What the fuck? No, my name's on Drax.
SPEAKER_04Nice to meet you, Iron Man.
SPEAKER_07Stink, brother.
SPEAKER_01Tony, dude. Tony Stark. Iron Man. Tony. Oh, like Tony Stark. Come on. You must be rich, right? Oh, you're like the billionaire. Why are you driving an Impala? I thought you were Tony Stark. Come on, dude.
SPEAKER_08Oh. Is that a Pontiac, Tony? Wow. Duncan's name dropped my stepdad.
SPEAKER_05Did you drive my son here in that? It's just all Bo Jackman. Uh there is a part of it. Criticizing the stepdad's car.
SPEAKER_04The Willow Netvoice, like, did you drive my son here in that? Dude, come on.
SPEAKER_07Dude, Pontiac went out of business. I don't trust you driving my son in that.
SPEAKER_04Iron Man? Really?
SPEAKER_07No, that was how it was every time.
SPEAKER_08I don't I don't remember his fucking douchebag, never had his fucker chart.
SPEAKER_06The one thing I remember about my dad, my biological dad, as we were staying at his house in Texas City, we were going to the movies, and me and my sister were less than a year apart. Uh speaks to that whole thing. But we were excited to go to the movies. We go sit down and we see Wesley Snipes Blade. The vampire movie where blood spraying everywhere. Scared as fuck. The first one? The first one. Let's go. Dude. Phenomenal. Crazy. I was scared out of my fucking mind. And I remember my dad telling me, like, alright, knock it off. Like, stop being scared. This is a movie. Alright, calm down. He's a half-breed. Dude, we were crying in the movie. Me and my sister were crying. We were like fucking. Yeah, I was crying at Blade? Like three and a half, four? Oh, crying. But he was like, alright, knock it off. I thought you were like 10. Dude, this guy, the worst guy ever.
SPEAKER_05Worst guy I've ever met. For sure.
SPEAKER_06Well, he's up there. He's up there. I've met a few uh I've met a few worst guys. They're just total strangers, but they were worse than my worse than my dad. You know what? You're a piece of shit, but you're not as bad as my dad. Yeah, that's the most emo thing ever. My comical romance. That's fucking hilarious. He took you to see Blade when you were full of it. Not even. He lost custody when we were like three.
SPEAKER_07Even by today's standards, like.
SPEAKER_06Dude, that's crazy. It's like blood spraying in an even without like the like nobody even got cut. They were just vampires like spraying blood from sprinklers and shit in the club. That was scariest. That was a marvel movie. Three and a half years old. Blood is like, alright, something bad happened. I'm bleeding. I'm where's my mom? Where's the band-aid? Dude, no band-aid.
SPEAKER_07Where's my dad? Where's my dad? You were actually just as scared of the black guy the whole time.
SPEAKER_08I would fucking like a white kid crying in the movie theater at Blade, and it's not in any of the vampire scenes, it's just Blade.
SPEAKER_05I was from doing 100 three years old.
SPEAKER_06I was at my either at my mom's house playing Scooby-Doo on the piano or crying at my dad's house. Yeah, I was playing Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost. Do you guys know the Hex Girls from Scooby-Doo? No. No, I don't. Fuck, dude. This is my first crush ever in my entire life was the hex girls from Scooby-Doo. Dude, oh my god. Don't give me starting. Don, pull up. Pull up the hex girls.
SPEAKER_07Fuck, man. Yeah, they're all good. Pull up two hex girls, one cup, please. I'm familiar with the hex girls, though.
SPEAKER_06The hex girls are they they were fire. They made a remake. They're all black now. They were white. Oh just white goth ladies. Now they're the bone necks girls.
SPEAKER_00Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_06The turkey next girls. Hey, hey, hey. How about a we're having a 30 minutes here? We're having a real good 30 minutes. Fuck uh, fuck Anderson Cooper. How about 30 minutes? Fuck the 60, dude. Let's have 30.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, bro. Fuck 60 minutes.
SPEAKER_06Do a reasonable 30 minutes. Are we going fucking two hours here? I'm down to do another 30 after this. Dude, we're on a roll. Even if we just clip form it, I'm having so much fun. The margarita, dude. Margarita dude. The margarita might be the key to being famous. Dude, half a gallon every Thursday. Dude, we're having a grand time. I'll yeah, I'll do it on 30 after this. I was willing to do another 30 after. I don't have anywhere to drive, bro. I can go to 6 a.m. dude. I just gotta drive pretty much uh I mean I can I fucking break the garage door. I don't really give a fuck. I just gotta drive down the street 45 minutes. Yeah, fuck it. I got like yeah, I got like 18 minutes. But it's an easy team. It's all back roads, it's all fucking uh pretty much 35. But I'm down to keep going. Let's keep going. Because I feel like we have not we're doing good, but we have not hit our full we haven't had an Ellen Jenk.
SPEAKER_08This was a good yeah, this was fun.
SPEAKER_06We're doing good. We're doing it.
SPEAKER_08If you guys want to expand it, bro, let's do another thing. I'll bust that bitch open, dude. I'll get the fucking couple of things.
SPEAKER_06This could be yeah, this could be another thing. This could be the best two hours of our life, and we might have to might not have to record next week.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, this might be the last podcast we ever do. Because I'm thinking about pulling out of my wedding last minute. Can can can I we'll still do the podcast, right? Okay, this isn't my last podcast. That's fine, yeah. Yeah, but what if what if me and Huey, one of us dies on the way home? Don't say that, dude. You know, our here, my homies joke about that and it bothers me, but I tell Peyton all the time, like, you know, I could die at any minute just because I know it triggers her, and she's like, I don't like what you talk about, death. It's usually always sprinkle in the I could die.
SPEAKER_06I drink too much. I'm like, uh, what if I die?
SPEAKER_08Yeah, I would rather die drunk. Same.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're like, oh damn. Fuck, dude, this next room tin beers podcast. You're gonna talk about this. Let me do a group face time. Let me call the guys.
SPEAKER_06Dude, that group sober's gotta be so scary. I would rather die fucked up. Dude, if you don't report it in here, everybody's gonna call you a dickhead if you don't show up next week. You gotta show them you dying in this.
SPEAKER_08I would rather die fucked up so bad. That's part of the 30 minutes.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I'm gonna do another 30 so bad thing.
SPEAKER_07I'm I'm for sure gonna have beers while we're floating. So you're floating too. And then I have to drive three hours.
SPEAKER_06Do you have to drive three hours?
SPEAKER_07I'm gonna I'm gonna have to use performance enhancing drugs.
SPEAKER_08Do you absolutely have to drive three hours?
SPEAKER_07I don't have to, but like I would like to get back Saturday.
SPEAKER_08Performance enhancing drills just take before we're gonna have a drunk driver.
SPEAKER_06Send it. Yes.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, that's what it is.
SPEAKER_06Also, yeah. I've got my pockets are full. I'm uh you're going back Sunday? Um yeah, we're going back Sunday. We're keeping the Airbnb that uh the Saturday night just uh I'm sure you and Peyton will be doing uh newlywed stuff. We're keeping that Airbnb to just chill. We're gonna go out by the lake Saturday evening and just like travel in and just do stuff together.
SPEAKER_08Chill. So Saturday night we'll still be with like all of like Peyton's family in the Airbnb. So since you guys are still in town, you guys are more than welcome to tag along and do shit with us.
SPEAKER_06We'll absolutely do that. Alright, cool. We'll absolutely do that. Uh we will we'll take an hour or two to like tan up because uh the Airbnb we have uh there's a lake, like a community lake on it. Um so far I didn't know that you guys would be open to chilling. Yeah, bro. But for now the plan was to do a little bit of thrifting, do a little bit of tanning, and just like absol just like kick it childless for a night after the wedding. Just like, alright, which do you want a sixer or do you want a three?
SPEAKER_08Fucking seven of them.
SPEAKER_06Oh, dude, you guys are doing three. Alright. Alright.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, I'm gonna fucking go seeds rolling up in my mouth over here.
SPEAKER_06Pat me a three, man.
SPEAKER_08Pat me a booty, dog. You don't want this one?
SPEAKER_02I'll I'll have a sip out of it.
SPEAKER_08Alright, we'll share, bro. Pick up your mic, dog. What are you talking to? The fucking thin air? Oh shit. Oh, oh, we're recording? Yeah, we're live. I only talk to thin air.
SPEAKER_06I don't talk to that fat air. Alright, we'll we'll start off from here.
SPEAKER_08We're like, if I'm gonna talk to hair, it's gotta be slimp, dude. We was doing wedding talk anyway. We're we're we're live. We're live, we're back. Also, I don't know what we were talking about in the last segment. We just had a heart to heart and we got fucked up. Yeah, so we're just gonna start stretch. We're gonna start from fresh air.
SPEAKER_07Okay, but KC had a fucking hilarious answer that I want to bring to light. Alright, well, I asked both of you. We we spoke about the Hunter S. Thompson routine. These are so strong. In a vacuum. Please have a sip.
SPEAKER_08Have a sip of that, bro.
SPEAKER_07In a vacuum, like, how long you know, fiance's not around. You can make your own schedule. How long do you think you can keep up the Hunter S. Thompson routine?
SPEAKER_08Dude, I couldn't do it, bro. Okay, like if I was on, the thing is is like I'm thinking of this in a in a place like I'm gonna be doing shift work soon. I'm doing like fucking 4 p.m. shifts. Ignore everything in the screen. If I'm waking up at 3 p.m., it's because I'm on shift work. And if I'm living the Hunter S. Thompson lifestyle, dude, I'll OD by my second turnaround, dude. Like, no doubt.
SPEAKER_06If it was up to me, if it was up to me, I'd live on that schedule for the rest of my life.
SPEAKER_08The shift work? If I could the Hunter S. Thompson cooking. You don't want to do that, bro.
SPEAKER_06And uh, if it was up to me, that would be what I did. I'd wake up a little earlier than three and I'd go probably to bed. Well, on us are good at I go to bed at probably seven. I wouldn't go to bed at eight.
SPEAKER_07Navy see over here. Yeah, passing forward an hour to seven go to bed at seven a.m.
SPEAKER_08Yeah. No, there's no fucking way in hell I could do that shit, bro. Whenever you said, let's talk about the timeline afterwards. He pulled up the timeline. The first thing I read was 3 p.m. Get out of bed. I was like, what the fuck? This guy sucked dick, dude. He's getting out of bed at 3 p.m. That's like John Burnthal would hate this guy, dude.
SPEAKER_06Go on a bender, dude. Go on a bender. Go on a bender.
SPEAKER_07The the part that we missed out was that the journalist who was following him, he he followed him for like a month. And he said this was an this was like a chill, like mellow day. Yeah. That was a mellow day. There's probably some yeah, there's probably a couple spiked in days in there where it wasn't until 6 p.m.
SPEAKER_08that he started doing coke seriously.
SPEAKER_07It was like if you're staying with him for a month, you're like, God. You know, you have to say on his schedule.
SPEAKER_08Dude, day one, I would tap out. What the fuck, man? As soon as this guy hit me with the third bump, and it's like three hours after I got up, and it was at 3 p.m. You know, he's offering you coke the whole time. Oh, not so you want some, you wouldn't.
SPEAKER_06He's offering you everything he's having. Dude, earlier, whenever you're from the orange juice to the coke to the acid to everything. Hunter S. Thompson is a guy that will say, like, you want some?
SPEAKER_08Dude, this is a cupboard party, bro. Yeah, earlier, whenever I was pouring the margaritas for you, and you're like, uh, you got any plastic straws? If I would have known about the Hunter Thompson routine before you asked me that question, I'd be like, oh dude, who are you? What are you gonna do some coke? Fucking plastic straws. Boy, google. You go to Chick-fil-A to get lunch, you're like, hey, can I get 12 plastic straws?
SPEAKER_06Can I get some sweeten though?
SPEAKER_07I'll do withdrawals. The most cocaine I ever did was actually at probably at a wedding.
SPEAKER_08Holly, bro. Should I do coke at my wedding? Your first time ever get your wedding, dude. Dude, I'll do if you got I'm not I'm not you know right now. I don't do coke. I know it's hard for you to get a hold of Adderall, but if you bring Coke to my wedding, dude, I'll fucking snore the line with you, bro. I'll do it. Dude, you know what's alright.
SPEAKER_06Timeout. Oh, I can get Adderall at the wedding. I can get the snorable kind, and it's way better than Coke. Dude, I'm just not as long-lasting. It'll just keep you up at night. You can't sleep. We'll have to do it at like we'll have to snort it at like one o'clock in the afternoon.
SPEAKER_08I'm not getting up till 3 p.m.
SPEAKER_06Oh.
SPEAKER_08Just want that Hunter S. Thompson routine.
SPEAKER_06This won't work.
SPEAKER_07No, that'll be ideal, actually. 1 p.m. Because ideally, you're getting ready in the groom suite. You're probably gonna have your first beer out around 10 a.m. Yeah. Have a few beers. You probably by 1 p.m., you're gonna be like five beers deep.
SPEAKER_08I'm gonna cry like a beer.
SPEAKER_07That adderall will put you right back at zero beers.
SPEAKER_08Fuck, I don't want that. Don't mean that everybody's gonna be able to do that. No, I'm saying.
SPEAKER_07No, like it's it's a it's a marathon, that's what I'm saying. Your wedding is a marathon.
SPEAKER_06You think anybody's cried at their wedding? I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this. Dude, what the fuck am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?
SPEAKER_08Who is this lady? I do I I think like I'm gonna be. I told I told Peyton, like, I was like, yeah, I'm definitely gonna cry. She was like, are you gonna cry at all during our wedding? She was like, Are you gonna cry when you see me? And I was like, dude, I've seen you before. I was like, nah, I'm probably not gonna cry when I see you. You're pretty familiar to me. I was like, I'm probably not gonna cry. I'm not very sure. But I was like, this is my first time reading vows. I'm like, I'm probably gonna cry like a bitch when I like read my vows. I'm probably gonna cry. If we're doing like a private vow ceremony, I'm gonna read our vows we say. You're allowed to cry. I'm not gonna cry. But like I think like the reason in my head while I was like, I'm gonna cry so much is like one, of course, because I love her so much, of course. But also, I'm gonna be so drunk, dude.
SPEAKER_02So fucked up.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna read my vows like an autist. I'm in shit. You're gonna read it like Da Vinci. I love you. You love me? I love you for forever. Um I love our daughter that we had together. But so much. Butters.
SPEAKER_07Uh uh. You keep reading your like KC. Butters.
SPEAKER_08Dude, what's the over-under on how many times KC stutters during his vowels? You keep reading your name. I'm gonna stutter during my vows for sure.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna say you know you you know you mean the world to me. Burp. Yeah. No, I got instructed uh I can't do I can't do a podcast before my wedding either. I got told that. Can we do it after? Yes.
SPEAKER_04Alright, dude. Fucking. You know why?
SPEAKER_06Because it's my wedding too, and I you know what? I said you know what, I say I have I'm paying just as much money as you. I'm doing this.
SPEAKER_07Um I regret to say it's probably just gonna be you two.
SPEAKER_08No, you're not going?
SPEAKER_06No, he's not going. But he's gonna zoom in. Just the two of us?
SPEAKER_05He's gonna zoom in. I'll I'll I'm happy to zoom in. He's gonna zoom in. We're gonna do a zoom.
SPEAKER_07I don't know how I can edit that, dude. It's gonna be like 4k for me to go. Oh, that's fair. It costs a lot. It costs a lot. You're you're you're getting you're getting bankrolled in there. So I'm thinking we'll get the digis. And y'all just Well, they're gonna do a pod out there, dude. Because we'll one, we'll like one, I I would love for y'all to do like a podcast there. Yeah, no, I'm not gonna be like, you know, like we're like by then, because that's that's months away. We'll get we'll get two digi, like little mini mics. Yeah. Because they usually come in testa too, unfortunately. And then the good ones are like they're like 200 bucks a piece.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Which I mean, Mike Wiley. Give me the voodoo, bro.
SPEAKER_08No, uh, Mike Wiley, he's not even gonna sponsor the podcast, didn't he? Give me the voodoo, don't give me the voodoo.
SPEAKER_07I'm thirsty, dog. Um but by then we'll we'll get we'll get some mini mics. So it wouldn't be as much pressure as like because like you don't really focus on like all the roadcasts and shit like that on your wedding day. Yeah, that's fair. But like the mini mics will get the job done, because I like I told you at that wedding I went to in Costa Rica. Literally, people were fucking out here fucking they had the mics all over the place. There's 50 Cent going on in the background, waves crashing, all this shit with windy, and you could hear their voice crystal clear. Yeah, dude. So does one. I think it'd be ideal, especially if you're gonna record your wedding because you would still want to be in the moment, you just want to like have fun and shit like that. Uh y'all do that. Yeah, if I could zoom in, awesome, don't I I wouldn't focus on that. You don't want to be fucking with the computer and everything. But uh I mean if something happens last minute, if I get a fucking stupid bonus in my actual adult job, then maybe I can make it last minute minute, but it's like I don't even know if I'm gone.
SPEAKER_08If he's just at 4k and I'm like, whoa, dude, Casey, you might just be there by yourself. Oh no, because like Yeah, I'm gonna do a solo. Yeah, do a solo just the one of us. Yeah.
SPEAKER_07But it is more it's more so the day-to-day expenses.
SPEAKER_06The most expensive part of the whole thing is getting there. Staying there is cheap. No, it's uh well it's it's reasonable, it's not cheap. It's the same price you pay as getting a hotel room in fucking Huntsville or something like that. That was but it's after paying $2,000 to get there.
SPEAKER_07That was the challenge I so like the the flight I found was like fourteen hundred bucks. But and I'm down because I'm I'm a single guy. I don't have to worry about it's different when you're staying with a girl because you're like, alright, is this place safe? Is this you know everything?
SPEAKER_08I don't even think it wasn't even cross my mind.
SPEAKER_07Me, it's like, dude, I'll stay in a fucking gutter. Alright, I'll stay. There could be some fucking Armenian. There could be an Armenian guy ashing over my chest all night.
SPEAKER_08If you came and passed out, if you came on the trip, dude, like we would split a room with you.
SPEAKER_06We could fit that into the budget, getting uh instead of a two-room place, get a three-room place for I'm not even talking about like with y'all.
SPEAKER_08I'm talking about our own room. Yeah, but like, that's part of the photographer budget is to cut that price in half for like living.
SPEAKER_06We're giving y'all a set amount. Uh the last time from Kinsey, we're giving y'all a set amount to like book y'all's own thing. Uh-huh. So without flight, you getting yourself there, if y'all can get an Airbnb with one more room, it'd honestly be cheaper for everybody.
SPEAKER_08Because we was split three ways. I'm not paying for that. Yeah, we're playing it two ways already. Because I only have a job with the plants too, but I got like 14 fucking applications.
SPEAKER_06It'd be cheaper for for everybody.
SPEAKER_07Because the flight wasn't the flight price wasn't terrible. I got it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06If you get a round trip, it's around, like you said, $1,400.
SPEAKER_07It was the day-to-day expenses that was like, 'cause anyone's going to be able to do that.
SPEAKER_06So the day to day, so would me me and Kinsey, we're getting married there, but we're traveling all around Iceland the whole time. We're not we're gonna eat out a couple times. Well, I'm gonna eat out a couple times. Um hopefully I can uh can play the old harmonica. But uh there's gonna be a lot of sandwiches going on for us. Just kidding, yeah, definitely cut that. Um but uh I mean we're cutting corners as far as expenses go. Like we're not eating out of fancy restaurants and stuff, and this shit's costing us ten grand total for about two weeks over there, flyback, stays and all, excursions and all, restaurants and all. A tattoo is incorporated into the price. And uh you wanna get an Iceland tattoo? Yeah, I've got one. I'm gonna get the uh there's a I'm gonna get the church that we get married in. That's cool as fuck. That's cool. It's the black church on the black church. Is the black church? It's a black church, yeah.
SPEAKER_00In Iceland? Oh that kind of black just the color.
SPEAKER_06Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the activities, just the color. Just go, yeah. No black dookies at the wedding. Um but uh I mean y'all can definitely it'd be we'll fuck it.
SPEAKER_08We'll figure it out. If y'all got a spot with one more bed. It's okay if you don't go, but I'm just saying, like if you did want to go, we can fucking have a few.
SPEAKER_06But if you got a place on the floor, one more bed, it'd be cheaper for all of you guys. That's how it works in places, especially like Iceland, where the more people you have, the cheaper it is. So y'all could stay in a nicer place with more beds than and it'd be cheaper than y'all two staying in a shitty place with one bed. Um if you always put the cost. But that's for that's where you ought to figure out. I'm not I'm honestly not gonna put any effort into that. Uh just because I'm not even putting in any effort into my own wedding. Hell yeah. I'm just gonna go with the flow.
SPEAKER_08Do I have to have a suit, bro? No. Because if I do, I'll just bring my fucking suit that I have.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, dude, yeah, yeah. If you're gonna wear a suit, wear that. Just something decently nice. Like you can wear it. I'll be your only group. You can wear a Yeah.
SPEAKER_08Wearing a fucking uh car heart and wife. Dude, might as well put the hard hat on. Hard hat, dude. Hard hat and a fucking snapback and wife beater. I've been working on myself. Working.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_08This was a black church. The only people uh I know where they're gonna be. Two out of three, dog. Two out of three.
SPEAKER_06Shout out to Ma for getting these so many papas.
SPEAKER_08Anyway, it'll be a fun time. Um yeah, it'll be fun. We did an extra 30 minutes for fucking. Anyway, what's going on? What the hell? Let's talk about eating box again, bro. Yeah, yeah, let's talk about eating pleasure. Let's do a let's do a full 30 in eating pleasure, dude. There was a part of me, I was I'm not gonna lie. Whenever I went to the fucking uh massage parlor earlier, there was a because you remember when like Alan told us about that story, like whenever he went to the massage parlor, he was like, bro, there's I went to a massage parlor to get a massage, and like I got a happy ending, yada yada this and that. There was a part of me where I was like, yo, what if this like what do I do if they offer like you want happy ending? The whole time in my head I was picturing like an Asian girl talking about you want happy ending? In case of cameras or audio recordings or anything, you just do this. Yeah, dude, this is how they got my quarterback, bro. I'm not wanting that. Yeah, you don't say anything.
SPEAKER_06Oh, I forgot that was your quarterback. Yeah, dude. They got my QB, bro. Cleveland's QB now. They got my QB, dude. Uh yeah, dude, it's CJ will never do it. So they give it to you anyways, and you don't have to pay for it. Uh not your experience.
SPEAKER_07I've I've on I'm not sure if I've talked about this on the pod, but I had a roommate years back uh where he he got caught up in a in a massage parlor sting. A sting? Yeah, like a sting. Damn. Like a like a like a bunch of cops swarmed in.
SPEAKER_08They busted on him right before he busted, dog.
SPEAKER_07Deadass. Deadass. It was uh and but the fucked up part is like as much as you want to give like your homie shit about like, oh dude, you're trying to get your dick sucked, uh blah blah blah. I I genuinely do believe that he didn't go in there trying to get his dick sucked. Like he he's a he's a he just got out of a relationship, good looking dude. Alright, that's all I need here. He was trying to get his dick sucked.
SPEAKER_05Just got out of relationship with a massage parlor. What's his body all worked up about? Not getting head. I'm used to getting head, I'm not used to it. Fuck this ending.
SPEAKER_07I'm still his client on this one, but uh he like he went there and like he was basically like they offered and he was like, I'm I'm like, what am I gonna say? No, like he's like, Yeah, sure, I'll get some head. Yeah, that means that means that means I'll take a blow job.
SPEAKER_08Where the cop comes all over, the cop gets called freeze.
SPEAKER_07Like he waits till after he comes. I'm thinking about that, or like the horny police from fucking SpongeBob, where they're just like, right, bust him with a baton.
SPEAKER_06Which dude, it's when you go to a massage parlor and they ask you if you want a happy ending, and you say, Whatever you feel like, that means yes. That means stroke my fucking cock. What if you said boy do I? Boy do I does that hold up in court? I'm assuming they get a small Thai boy to come in and stroke a dick.
SPEAKER_08But no, also, also, like, how do you want to make the boy? How do you get in trouble? Boy, do it because like everybody gets in trouble for like some sexual assault stuff out of massage parlor, but if they were the ones that get in trouble, that's how you get out of the trouble as well.
SPEAKER_06If they were the ones that offered, yeah. How does that work? Yeah, I thought they meant like uh they were gonna stroke my back, stroke my ego, dude.
SPEAKER_08I thought they were gonna give me compliments, dog. Dude, my fucking massage parlor. She my massage therapist struck my ego today. She was like, You have really big shoulder muscles. Oh, yeah, I've been working on it, dude. Why do you think I fucking laid down above the colors?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I've never seen shoulders come before. It's really cool. You can come out of your face.
SPEAKER_08Oh, these whole things. I was fucking so hard, dude. Love handles were there and everything.
SPEAKER_06You know what the funny thing about my shoulders are located on my cop.
SPEAKER_07No, but like, all right, he was telling me like the fun the fun because he was, you know, he's like at this time, I was I was like 24. He's 25. So it's not like a big fucking deal. Like he like just got out of the military and uh strike one. He's uh yeah, out of the navy a lot.
SPEAKER_05Strike one military massage, strike two.
SPEAKER_03Strike two navy navy massage?
SPEAKER_07He just got out of the navy. But uh Navy blue balls. But like, you know, he he he's uh you didn't have like a boss at the time. He was like going to school and stuff like that. He did miss in a fucking exam because he was in the gym in the holding cell. But uh Good Lord. The people he was in there with are like he's like, I'm supposed to be picking him up, my kid, from school. They're like, I was on my lunch break. It was our dad. They're like, I was on my lunch break. And you're like, they're like, he's talking to people who are like, he's finding out they're like genuinely fucked. And they're like, he's like, my my dad's picking up, he's gonna laugh about sorry, kiddo.
SPEAKER_08Your dad's not gonna be here to pick you up today.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I'm just like a military guy. They're gonna pick me up and make me do push-ups. You guys gotta do time.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, dang, you make me do push-ups while I'm bricked up, dude. Fuck this shit, dude. Push up off this Asian. Crack another booty, dude. We just went three ways on that voodoo, bro. Crack me another vootie. I'll take a sip off the vootie, bro.
SPEAKER_07The amount of the amount of stress of like being on your lunch break, and you're just like on Microsoft Teams. Oh, uh, am I tired?
SPEAKER_08Yeah, dude, the amount of guys that got caught just got caught, just jerking it, dude. Just tugging.
SPEAKER_07Oh, I'm waiting on a triple A to get here. Fuck. I have a flat tires. Oh, triple A got a flat tire on the way to help me with my flat tire. It's a whole fucking.
SPEAKER_05Is this code for needing a boner pill? Yeah, dude. Shut up, blue chew.
SPEAKER_08Shut up, blue chew.
SPEAKER_06Blue chew my ass out when I got in trouble for not having a bone. I got my ass.
SPEAKER_08Chewed out off that blue. You're gonna be home late on a Tuesday, bro. What time is it? 1112.
SPEAKER_06And I gotta go to Wada B Z. Oh my god. Holy moly. I'm not going to work tomorrow. Sorry, Mark.
SPEAKER_08Sorry, Mark. You said you like the podcast, dude. How much do you like it?
SPEAKER_04Do you like seeing me get a blackout drunk off the podcast bar?
SPEAKER_07No, part of like what kept me from getting massage for so long, I didn't get my first massage till I was 29. And uh, because I was like, alright, I'll either I'm gonna bust out laughing or something like that, or I'm gonna get like I'm just gonna get bricked up.
SPEAKER_06What is the definition of a massage? What is a massage to you? Is that like a caring like back rub? Or is it like having your face caressed for your first kid? Like, what is a massage?
SPEAKER_07Like an actual like licensed person.
SPEAKER_06For your first time. A licensed person.
SPEAKER_08If I don't moan at all during my massage, bro, it wasn't a massage.
SPEAKER_07Alright, I've moaned in the chiropractor, alright?
SPEAKER_08I'm like, mmm, listen. That's not like Arthur Morgan did.
SPEAKER_07That's what I seven on cactus. What am I my first time going to a chiropractor? Like, they tell you, like, alright, like, hey, listen, they adjust your like lower back or something like that. There's a possibility, you know, you might fart. Yeah. They didn't tell me I might moan. You farted and moaned.
SPEAKER_08You did a real moan?
SPEAKER_07The sound that came out of my body. I remember I was like trying to grab it.
SPEAKER_00I was like, no, no. You're trying to stop it halfway up.
SPEAKER_07You're like, uh I remember leaving and I came back with a gun. I was like, it was like, listen, they can't know about this.
SPEAKER_08I was like, my podcast, dude. Do that again. That's what I said. I'm dude I will not dude. There's like a there's like a point in the massage today where she was like, I was like, how did you get into this? She's like, I've been doing this for 17 years. My grandma told me I always had really strong hands. I was like, dude, I didn't want to say it, but you have like ridiculously strong hands. Like, and she told me she like bench pressed 240 in high school, and I was like, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_05You know what? I met a girl with strong hands. You know what I told her?
SPEAKER_02Oh, she's like, crazy.
SPEAKER_10You know what she said to me?
SPEAKER_08Dude, that was you met my massage therapist.
SPEAKER_06I miss Sinee so much, dude. Sinee was the man. The she man.
SPEAKER_07Her hands are soft, huh?
SPEAKER_06Dude, her hands were so.
SPEAKER_08I don't believe, dude. I think she had gloves on. I think she had like the latex gloves on. Oh.
SPEAKER_07She's probably wearing it. No evidence, bro.
SPEAKER_08You could have done it away.
SPEAKER_05Was it a black lady? Yeah. She had leather Home Depot gloves. She'd never be caught touching Mexican. It was Michael Jackson, dude. Yeah, dude. Black people don't touch Mexicans.
SPEAKER_07She had gardening gloves on. Oh, he'll he'll he'll know what this feels like. She's homie in the first interaction we had. She's like uh-uh. Soil.
SPEAKER_08Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
SPEAKER_05You gotta get onto the cupboard.
SPEAKER_08But she thought Fuck, dude, that's so embarrassing.
SPEAKER_05No, she probably shoved uh your shoulders and thought it was so fucking embarrassing, bro.
SPEAKER_08Imagine took my underwear off, bro.
SPEAKER_00Like, girl, I got this naked ass mask. You know what I'm talking about. Hell no.
SPEAKER_06What's this? The Rocky Mountains?
SPEAKER_08It's the Cocky Mountains, girl.
SPEAKER_06What's the Mexico uh mountain range?
SPEAKER_08The Rock Rocky Mountains?
SPEAKER_06Quick, what's the mechan what's the mountain range of Mexico?
SPEAKER_08Uh dude, this dude's fucking it's nothing but yellow sand out there from all the Hollywood movies. That's what I know. That works.
SPEAKER_00I got the big ass naked ass El Salvador on my table right now. My hell no. Shoot for shirt.
SPEAKER_08Oh, dude, it's a hill I don't want to mow.
SPEAKER_00Do people assume you're Salvadoran just because you're tall?
SPEAKER_08Well, I've gotten everything, dude. I've gotten Arabic, everything but Guatemalan. I've never gotten Guatemalan, but no fucking way Mexican, dude.
SPEAKER_00Guatemal Guatemalan's the shortest.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. They don't stack them just, they don't stack shit this high in Guatemala, bro. Come on, no, bro.
SPEAKER_07Come on, you know what's crazy? Like the you know what's funny is like uh uh somehow it came up the other day. Uh we were talking about the actor, Oscar Isaac. Uh-huh. And you thought he was like Arabic. I did, yeah. And he's like, he is very like ambiguous. I think that's that's the key to getting a lot of roles in Dune, yeah. In uh in the Pampa. Yeah, well that's the key to getting a lot of roles in Hollywood. Just being able to play any roles. Oh, just looking like everything, yeah. And uh, and it's funny, he's Guatemalan and he's 5'9, which is like being 6'4 over there.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, yeah, dude, that's like Shaq in Guatemala, dude.
SPEAKER_07But well, imagine like there's like this motherfucker is like not only the tallest Guatemalan, but he's also like handsome. Like, fuck this guy.
SPEAKER_06Now that Alec has watched both Dune movies, we can all go see Dune 3.
SPEAKER_07Oh yeah, dude, it comes on your birthday, right? My fucking birthday. Let's go and review it. QE birthday. QE birthday. Well, the day before, but basically. That's fine.
SPEAKER_06If you have nothing planned for your birthday yet, we totally should be able to do that. Let's go, bro. Oh, I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_07Let me check with my fucking receptionist what I'm doing six. Bro, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing tomorrow six hours from now.
SPEAKER_08You're waking up at fucking 3 p.m. doing some cocaine.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he was a real coke bear.
SPEAKER_03Coke bear, dude. Did you ever watch the movie Cocaine Bear?
SPEAKER_08Nah, dude.
SPEAKER_06Don't that's all I gotta say. That's it. Don't do it. That's it. Yeah, don't watch that.
SPEAKER_08Wait, no, I think I I heard it was good. He heard wrong. It's not good, bro. No, it's not good. I think Donovan thought you was good. Michael Bay is cocaine bear. Dude, I give Donovan so much shit. Bro, Donovan wants to be different so bad, bro. For you to sit here and look me in my face and tell me that not only Interstellar sucks, but also fucking interesting. Interstellar is so good that will be blood sucks.
SPEAKER_06Kinsey's like, we have enough time. Like, we've babysitter, we could watch Interstellar. Nah, we should probably just watch some of that for the movie.
SPEAKER_08Interstellar is the movie. I'll never because she'll be if like somebody from another yeah, if somebody from another planet came down and was like, hey, what movie should I watch? I would it would be Interstellar. I would tell them to watch Interstellar. It's like the movie.
SPEAKER_07My my my coworker. No.
SPEAKER_08I know what are you gonna fucking say? Toy story?
SPEAKER_07Close.
SPEAKER_08Goy story.
SPEAKER_06Yep. Yep. I'm Assad. I'm Assad Huey's back.
SPEAKER_08What are you saying about the co-worker?
SPEAKER_07Oh no, my like my co-worker. I I get to hear him like laugh like live. Like at the point where K C was like Michael Bay. The Michael Bay disease. Michael Bay disease. Michael Bay. Where's the Link? Bro, we were I think that's part of why last episode was so funny. We were just riffing really hard at multiple times. That was fun. Whether it was the Danny Trejo shit, we're like, oh, I like what you do with the place. Or like the Michael Bay shit, where like, oh, where's the Lincoln Park soundtrack? Where's John Cena?
SPEAKER_10Yeah, where's John Ceno?
SPEAKER_07We went on Donald Trump on the first two minutes.
SPEAKER_08He eats it up too. I'm telling you, but he wants to be different so bad, bro. He wants to be different so bad. I don't think he means that.
SPEAKER_06You know what? In the last the last Michael Bay thing, he was talking about Resident Evil having the best video game campaign ever. They're making a movie.
SPEAKER_08Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_06So we need to we need to feed into that. Be like, dude, Resident Evil movie is gonna be the best movie. It's gonna suck. Yeah, it's gonna be terrible.
SPEAKER_08It's gonna be fucking terrible. This is the greatest movie I've ever seen.
SPEAKER_06It's gonna be it's gonna be like centers level, like we're just gonna be like really well made. It's gonna be cool for a video game movie. It's gonna be a well-made horror movie. But it's gonna suck dick in terms of like watching a movie. Like it and we gotta tell him like it's the best movie. We all got we all gotta turn on them.
SPEAKER_07It sucks. Are there any video game movies that did well off top of your head?
SPEAKER_08The closest Ready Player One Dude, Ready Player One's fire.
SPEAKER_07That wasn't video game movies. You didn't like that one? I didn't watch that. That wasn't based off a video. It's good. It's a good movie.
SPEAKER_08That's based off a book, but that was uh one thing I can think of is The Last of Us, but that's not a movie, that's just a TV show. The first season was good.
SPEAKER_06Video game movie, video game movie, video game movie. Uh right now, uh Halo Prince of the movie is about to come out.
SPEAKER_07Prince of Persia. No, okay. That was dog shit. Jake Jill and Hall's worst movie. Uh I haven't seen it. Oh, don't talk horrible. No, I I that's my fucking That's my boy. That's my favorite. That's probably my favorite actor. Yeah, he's fucking.
SPEAKER_01I came here for you.
SPEAKER_08Alright. Alright, we're we're about out of time.
SPEAKER_06Alright, you guys got me worked up, but I'm sorry. Let's wrap, let's wrap it up.
SPEAKER_08This was fun, dude. We did two. This is our first two-hour episode. This is fucking fucking flew by. Bro, fuck yeah. This is a great time. It's Jake Jill and hold everything. Let's do it again sometime. Mike Wiley. Mike Wiley. Shout out Mike Wiley.
SPEAKER_06If I was an alien, I would put my into the swiftly into your ass.
SPEAKER_08You're a Taylor Swift fan. We'll keep that for next year.
SPEAKER_06Keep it to your fucking ass. Keep it.
SPEAKER_08Hey, keep it kosher.
SPEAKER_06And yo.
SPEAKER_08Keep it wily.
SPEAKER_07Keep it wily.