Contrary Action I really don't want to do it. Episode 3

How many times have you struggled with, what is the right thing to do. Or more to the point, "I know what the right thing to do is, but I really don't want to do it." Sometimes our decision making process can be shaped by fear, shame, or guilt. However, sometimes our process is just simple selfishness or self-interest. Contrary action is taking an action that we know is the better choice, even though every impulse tells us differently. Join me while I struggle with a contrary action that seems like such an obvious choice to make. 

Transcript

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Hello. Welcome to Shrink Unleashed. I am your host, James Stein. I am a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. I really don't want to do it. I must take contrary action. I had mentioned in my last episode that I would be talking about the word love. Not in the wonderful fluffy way that we have come to expect, but rather in that manipulating, toxic way that it can also be used. Well I changed my mind. I will address that in a future episode. But as for now, another topic came to mind. Not necessarily because it is on my mind, but rather because it is literally on my head. I shaved my head. Shaving my head was just a natural progression from the balding head that I was unfortunately blessed with. I started losing my hair in my early twenties. Even though I was the fat kid in elementary school, going bald never really bothered me. Why it didn't bother me would be a whole other exploration into my psyche where I have never even gone. If it's not broken, don't fix it. But I digress. This episode is not about my balding head. I used to spend a lot of time out in the sun when I was young. I spent a lot of time going to the beach. My skin is fair, and between that and no hair on my head, I got sunburnt quite often. In fact, I had a process. I had to burn first before I could get tan. I am now paying for that process by having to have many variations of skin cancers removed. Every dermatologist I ever had throughout the years has recommended placing a chemo cream on top of my head to destroy the precancerous cells. This procedure can be very uncomfortable, so for years I have put it off. You will hear me use my broadcast many ideas, words, or phrases taken from 12-step programs. Much of what is learned in 12-step programs is not just for addicts andor alcoholics, but are positive guides for anyone in life. They are often based in psychological theory and proven behavioral technique. One of these terms is contrary action. Contrary action is just what it says. It is taking an action that is different from what our customary choice might have been, making conscious decision to alter our thinking and behavior and choose differently, to actively make a healthy choice even though it feels uncomfortable. I often use the term unhealthy comfort in my practice. Depending on who we are and how we grew up, we become accustomed with patterns of behavior that may be the worst choices for us. For example, I knew someone who grew up in a house where his parents continuously argued. He just became accustomed to the fighting. Not that he thought it was alright or had no impact, but the conflict became familiar. He said that when he grew up and began dating, if everything was good between him and the woman he was dating, something just felt wrong. He would even subconsciously create conflict in his relationship just so it could feel comfortable. For the adult children of alcoholics, it is not uncommon for them to seek out alcoholic partners. They could walk into a room of ten people and nine of them are not alcoholics, and they will find themselves drawn to the one who is. They can sense the behavior that impacted their life, and even without knowing it, they are drawn to it. They might have deplored the behavior in their household, but there is an unhealthy comfort in it. It feels terrible, but feels familiar. There are many reasons people seek out therapy, to explore why they do, what they do, and how to change unhealthy patterns of behavior. Once you get to a point where you can identify when you are making an unhealthy choice, you must choose differently. I talked about placing the cream on my head. I have been recommended by enough doctors whom I trust that I know using it would probably be the right decision. I also know that the thought of using it makes me quite anxious. There is a valid reason to be anxious. It can be really uncomfortable at times, even painful, and it can look bad. But given the choice of being uncomfortable for a couple weeks or developing skin cancer, the choice should be a relatively easy one. I have avoided using it for years, but now I have to take contrary action and be willing to get out of my comfort zone. If I am going to suggest contrary action to you, then I must be willing to act on it myself. I once talked to a woman who was in a relationship that she no longer wished to be in. She had not yet talked to her boyfriend about her feelings. One day for no particular reason or celebration, he came home with a beautiful necklace to give her as a gift to express his feelings towards her. She loved the necklace and so appreciated him for buying it for her. She also knew that it would be wrong taking it from him, since she felt so differently about the relationship than he did. She told me that she so wanted to keep the gift, and up until that moment she would have kept it. Every selfish impulse was telling her keep it. He wants you to have it. You deserve it, even if you're not going to stick around. Just keep it. But all that she could think about was contrary action. If she really wanted to make changes in her life, she had to start making different selections. She reluctantly gave the necklace back to him and told him how she felt. She took a contrary action and felt far better about herself than she ever would have if she had kept it. Change means taking contrary action. I once jotted down my thoughts on real change and what it can take to get there. Real change can at times be painful. Real change requires an examination of what you do, why you do, and who you are. Real change is a threat to your whole way of thinking, living, and behavior. Real change is a threat to all of your unhealthy relationships with family, friends, and lovers. Real change is finding joy and fulfillment. Real change is finding contentment and bliss. If real change is what you seek, then you must first ask yourself, am I ready to confront my fears and face my demons? Am I willing to look inside myself? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to have a better life? Am I willing to feel the pain that comes with change? And as for me in my head, I guess that I'm ready to feel the pain that comes with change, both literally and figuratively. We can become like children, making choices out of pure impulse, making choices based on what we want and what feels good, or rather what we think feels good, making choices out of fear, shame, guilt, or anger. There's a reason why the concept of contrary action is so embedded in many 12-step programs. For people dealing with substance abuse, the wrong choice for them can be a dangerous one. For those not dealing with substance abuse, the wrong choice might not be a dangerous one, but it can lock you into a pattern of behavior throughout your life. There are times in our life that we have to choose to be uncomfortable. We have to take contrary action. On a side note, take it from somebody who has had many growths removed. Skin cancer is a real thing that can be dangerous left unchecked. Skin cancer can be usually easily treated, so make sure you stay proactive. Thank you for listening to Shrink Unleashed. There is still much to come. Please follow or subscribe. Please feel free to leave comments or you can email me directly at shrinkunleashed at gmail.com. The information in this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. There is no agreement of confidentiality. Listening to this podcast does not establish a therapist patient relationship. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.