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Households and Humans
The official podcast of Households & Humans - where 5 dragons roleplay as modern humans in an extraordinarily mundane campaign!
Households and Humans
Episode 2 - The Road to Compliance
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Having escaped the perilous encounter with Karen Hodges of the HOA, our adventurers embark on their quest to the Department of Municipality Ordinances and Administrative Services. However, they know little of the dangers that await them on the road. Join your favorite dragons as they continue their totally normal adventure in this episode of Households & Humans.
So then I said, the older, I hardly know. Yes, yes, like the skeletons in my dungeon. That was quite humorous. Oh, brother. And with that, it is time to continue our campaign of households and human friends. Last time in our campaign, Derek received a mysterious email from the government. Yeah, Derek's in trouble.
SPEAKER_01We don't really know that yet. Yeah, they just need you to appear in person or face the consequences because you're such a good human. Fair point.
SPEAKER_00Indeed. However, as you were preparing to leave your home and set out on your quest, you received an unexpected guest.
SPEAKER_01Karen. First of her name. Knight of the Neighborhood Watch.
SPEAKER_00And president of the Homeowners Association. Yes, and Karen was investigating reports of an unsanctioned pet in the neighborhood. It appears that your neighbors have reported seeing Crystal Ray roaming the sidewalks with her emotional support alligator, Snuggles. On a leap. He needs his exercise. And thanks to Curtis's riz and quick thinking, he was able to convince Karen to defer her inspection of your home to a later date. However, she made it clear that she would return. So where are we now? Well, when we left us last session, the humans had assembled in Curtis's 2013 Honda Civic. Derek had invoked the right-of-shotgun, giving him the front passenger seat while Lea took the back seat, along with Crystal Reggae. And Snuggles. Uh yes, and Snuggles. I don't think we talked about it in our last session, but you really named your alligator Snuggles? Yes, Snuggles, decimator of flesh.
SPEAKER_01Who apparently just has to be walked out in public on a leash. Indeed. So do we know where we need to go? Uh give me a history check.
SPEAKER_00Uh, 13. Hmm. You recall that you need to appear in person at a local government facility for the Department of Municipality ordinances and administrative services.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but do we know where that is? Ooh, I I think I have a spell for that.
SPEAKER_00Uh spell? I think it's a spell, uh global positioning sorcery? Yes, one feature of your miniature scrying tablet allows you to not only remotely retrieve coordinates of nearly any location, but also gives you turn by turn directions to the coordinates. Wait, humans can do that without magic? They call it technology, but too many humans, it basically is magic. Uh yes, that. I do that. Very well. Give me a technology check and make sure to add Bobby's techie modifier. Ah, that is a 17. With but a few swift motions, Bobby easily acquires a location of and directions to the nearest government facility. It is only a few miles away from your current location. Great, let's get moving. Curtis follows the directions to the government facility. Very well. But first, you must make a driving skill check for backing out of the driveway. Ooh, that's a nine. Hmm. As Curtis backs out of the driveway, his foot slips and pushes just a little too hard on the accelerator. He quickly turns the wheel to turn into the road, but the speed of the vehicle leaves him little time to judge the distance between the rear end of the vehicle and the curb. As the car turns, he just barely clips the side of the mailbox. That's okay. We don't even need a mailbox. Nobody really uses the mail anyway. The mailbox, made of brick, shows no sign of damage. However, there is now a lengthy scratch along the back driver's side of the car. You notice Karen on the sidewalk just a few houses down. She turns at the sound of the commotion, shakes her head, and begins writing in her clipboard of ordinances. Oof. Well, now that that's out of the way, let's just go to the government facility. Very well. As you are driving through the quiet neighborhood, you see that a dog has slipped through an open gate. A teenager wearing large headphones starts jogging across the street without looking. The car ahead of you suddenly breaks with no signal, and the car behind you is tailgating your vehicle. What do you do? Uh I'll speed up and go around them. You think I should? It sounds like what Crystal Ray would do. Then I probably shouldn't do that. Quickly, you must decide. Uh, is there room to go around the car in front of me? Uh it is a two-lane street. Oh, well, then I'll use the other lane and go around them. Okay. Roll for driving. Oh, 18. Well then, as Curtis swerves into the other lane for oncoming traffic, he notices another vehicle driving straight towards him. Uh oh. Curtis, however, speeds up and swerves back into his lane, just narrowly missing the oncoming vehicle. Well, that was close. Curtis continues following the directions provided under Lair's guidance until you are but a few minutes away from the government facility. You come to a far-way intersection. There are three other vehicles, one at each of the stop signs. When you arrive at the stop, a pedestrian is standing on the corner to your left, hesitant to cross the street. You need to turn right. After you come to a complete stop, the vehicle to your left drives straight across. What do you do next?
SPEAKER_01I'm sorry, what? I think the flow of traffic is counterclockwise, right? So you're the next one to go, but I just got here.
SPEAKER_00As you are discussing your next action, the vehicle to your right makes a right-handed turn, and the pedestrian on the corner to your left crosses the street to the top left corner of the intersection. Another vehicle has just pulled up behind you and is inching ever closer to your rear bumper. Um, the traffic goes clockwise at the four-way stop. Then why did the vehicle on the right go after the vehicle on the left? Maybe they don't know the rules of the road. Don't humans always complain about the driving capabilities of other humans? What race was the human on the right side of the intersection? Were they a female human? Uh with your passive perception, at the time of the crossing, you were unable to determine their race or gender through their tinted windows. Torik, the driver on the opposite side of the intersection is waving at you, and the vehicle behind you is so close you can almost feel your bumpers touching. Uh uh, I'll just wave back and wait for them to go, and then I'll make my turn. Very well. A few long seconds pass as you wave and wait for the other driver to make their move. The vehicle behind you makes a short honking noise before the vehicle opposite the intersection finally makes their left hand turn. Another vehicle has just pulled up to your left. Another one. Okay, I I make my turn. Roll a driving check. Uh again? Oh man, that's a seven. Well, you make your turn following directions, seemingly without issue. The vehicle that was to your left makes their right-hand turn, and the vehicle that was behind you drives straight through the intersection. You can see the top of the government building cresting just over the hill at the end of the road. Finally. And suddenly you hear the high-pitched screech of a siren. Wait, sirens exist in the human realm? I dated a siren once. And oh, nothing, that's it. What do you mean that's it? Yeah, you can't just drop something like that on us and not elaborate. I mean, there's not much to it. I was polymorphed and hanging out with some humans on a boat when we heard this really beautiful singing voice coming from an island in the distance. It was hypnotic. In fact, I kind of zoned out for a bit, and the next thing I know, I'm on this island back in my normal dragon form, and this gorgeous fish lady with wings is serving me one of the best meals I've ever eaten.
SPEAKER_01Uh, your your crew?
SPEAKER_00Uh oh yeah, I never saw them again. Rina, that was the siren's name, told me they just left me after I returned to my dragon form. I guess they were freaked out, so she took care of me. She was really sweet. Who's gonna tell him? Tell me what? It's not those kinds of sirens that you hear. These are the sirens of a law enforcement vehicle. You see the flashing hues of crimson and sapphire reflected in your rearview mirror. It's the corpse! What do I do? You are being hailed to pull your vehicle over and stop. Crystal Ray does not do well with police. Lord, we can lose then. Bobby has too many tickets to risk being taken to the big house. Bobby's too pretty for prison.
SPEAKER_01No, he isn't. Calm down. My sheet says that Derek's been pulled over plenty of times, and it's not a big deal.
SPEAKER_00What? It seems your panic is irritating Crystal Ray's alligator. Snuggles is trying to wiggle his way out of Crystal Ray's coat. Rory, give me an animal handling check. 22. Crystal Ray allows Snuggles to peek his head out from her coat, and she gently caresses under his lower jaw to soothe him. He has settled down for the time being. Look, just pull over, stay calm, and handle the officer the same way you handled Karen. You've got this. Okay, Curtis pulls over to the side of the road and stops. The law enforcement vehicle pulls up behind you and stops as well. The sirens have subsided. However, the lights continue to flash as the driver's door opens and a large figure steps out. He is dressed in a sharp brown law enforcement uniform and is wearing mirror-tinted spectacles of the Aviator variety. He adjusts his wide-brimmed hat, checks the firearm holster on his hip, and places both hands on the front of his curace and struts towards your vehicle. He lightly taps the rear of your vehicle before approaching the driver's window. Hey, sit up straight and put both hands on the wheel. Relax, guys. I'm sure it's nothing to be concerned about. The law enforcement human knocks on your window, bidding you roll it down. Uh okay. Curtis uh sits up straight, rolls down the window, and places both hands on the steering wheel. As you lower the window, the law enforcement human looks through and quickly scans the interior. You get a good look at his lean, clean-cut, expressionless face. He straightens up and says, Good morning. I am Officer Bradley with the Borough County Police Department. Uh, Curtis says, uh, hail and well met, um, Officer Bradley. Roll for charisma. Um, twelve? With disadvantage. Disadvantage? Why? Melanin modifier. Indeed. Oh yeah. That was a 19, so still 12. Yeah, Officer Bradley continues. Do you know why I pulled you over today? Ash, you asked me so many driving questions, I don't remember them all. You see one eyebrow begin to peek above the officer's mirrored spectacles as his head slightly turns toward the back seat. He keeps one hand on the top of his curace while resting the other on his firearm holster. Crystal rape slowly pushes Snuggle's head back into her coat. Yeah, because that's not suspicious. The officer says you were driving four miles an hour over the speed limit. He focuses his attention back to Curtis, and you failed to signal your turn at the intersection. Um, Derek speaks to the law enforcement human. Hey there, Mr. Bradley. That's Officer Bradley, he says, without shifting his attention from Curtis.
SPEAKER_01Right. Um, Officer Bradley, I can assure you there's nothing to be concerned about. It was simply an oversight by my friend here. You see, we are on official government business.
SPEAKER_00Roll for persuasion.
SPEAKER_01That's a natural one. With advantage. What? Why?
SPEAKER_00He's got the white privilege modifier.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, I forget that's even a thing.
SPEAKER_00Well, a nine is better than a one. Officer Bradley now shifts his focus to Derek. He adjusts his grip on his holster and says, You work for the government?
SPEAKER_01Uh oh no, not that kind of government uh business. No, we're on our way to the government to conduct business. I was summoned by the government, and I have to appear there by the end of the day to um, well, I'm not sure, but they said I needed to come in person.
SPEAKER_00The officer examines the interior of Curtis's vehicle, seemingly sizing each of you humans up. After a moment of tense silence, he says, and is there a reason it takes the rest of you to assist with this business? Don't answer any questions. Excuse me? You don't have to answer any of their questions without a lawyer human present. That's not true, is it? I don't know. Crystal Ray doesn't trust lawyers. Well, give me a moment to consult the texts. Uh it would appear that Lair is correct, technically, however, it also seems that it doesn't necessarily prevent law enforcement humans from asking questions, and invoking such a right often agitates law enforcement humans and leads to escalating tensions. Great. Thanks, Lair. Officer Bradley takes a step back and tightens his grip on his firearm holster. He says, I think I may need you all to step out of the vehicle so that I can conduct an investigation. We are so screwed. And whose fault is that? Officer Bradley is a male, correct? Indeed he is. Can Crystal Ray use her female charm to beguile the officer? You may certainly try. How does your sheet say the ability works? It says I roll a D12 and add my charisma modifier, which is three. And then the human male must succeed a saving throw with a DC equal to my total. Uh very well. Make your roll. Whoa, that's a 12. Uh, plus three, so the DC is 15. And what does Crystal Ray do? Uh, she attempts to beguile Officer Bradley. And how does Crystal Ray attempt to beguile Officer Bradley? You want me to describe it to you? Indeed. Welcome to role-playing, Rory. Uh, okay. Crystal Ray rolls down the window and leans out just enough for her hair to uh to flow in the breeze. And she says, um, excuse me, officer. Officer Bradley focuses his attention on Crystal Ray. He reaches up and lowers his spectacles so that he makes eye contact with her. He says, Yes, ma'am. Um, she says, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, officer. I assure you that my friends have nothing but the best intentions. We are only trying to help a friend in need. Surely a man of justice such as yourself can relate. That's it. And she smiles and bats her eyes. Is that enough for you? I mean, I guess. Officer Bradley maintains his expressionless gaze as he watches Crystal Ray. When she finishes speaking, he pushes his glasses back up to his eyes and stands up straight. His face remains hardened as he eyes each of you from behind his mirror shades. We are doomed. A tense moment of silence passes. Suddenly, his demeanor softens, and the corners of his mouth crack a smile. He removes his glasses and hangs them on his curious. He removes his hat and holds it at his midsection while he removes his other hand from his holster and uses it to brush his hair back. He says, Yes, ma'am, I can relate, and I must say that I think it is quite admirable of you to care so much for your friends. Wow. Yeah, he definitely failed the saving throw. Officer Bradley smiles warmly at Crystal Ray, and then he looks at Catus. He says, I suppose I can let you off with a warning this time. He returns his hat to his head and straightens up. Thank you, officer. He says, Mind the speed limit and use your turn signal. Obey the laws of the road. He turns to head back towards his vehicle but stops and pulls a card from his pocket, handing it to Crystal Ray. He says, in case you ever need anything, ma'am, he looks one more time back to Curtis and says, I'll be seeing you. And he walks back to his vehicle. I cannot believe that worked. Yeah, Crystal Ray really came through. I do what I can. Am I the only one who felt like that I'll be seeing you was a little ominous? Yeah, I have a feeling that was some foreshadowing. We shall see. Now, with her brilliant success, it's time to roll for Hormonal Chaos Chaos. That's a 13. That would be a snack attack. Crystal Ray has a sudden craving for something sweet. Indulge for advantage on your next roll, or resist for disadvantage on your next roll. Wow, that's way better than alligator escape. Uh, Crystal Ray didn't bring any snacks. Does anyone have anything? Uh, Bobby brought snacks. I have uh beef jerky, salted nuts, and a candy bar. Would you mind giving Crystal Ray a candy bar? Uh sure. I think the Florida woman has earned it. Thanks. Crystal Ray eats the candy bar. She savors the chocolatey goodness of the candy bar. She feels a euphoria swell from within her soul. Your next role will have advantage. That's really on the whore model chaos table? It appears so. That just seems too good to be true. Well, for now, Officer Bradley has left the scene and you are still stopped on the side of the road. You can see the government facility less than a couple blocks away. How would you like to proceed? I guess we finish the drive. Try to stay under the speed limit this time. Uh yeah, and make sure that you use your turn signal. Yeah, I uh I do those things. Very well. You make the short drive down the road without any further interruptions, and you arrive at your destination. As you turn off the road, you pull into a vast field of pavement lined with various motor vehicles of differing shapes, sizes, and colors. You have entered the parking lot. Before you can enter the government facility, you must first find an empty space to park your motor vehicle. Okay, do we see any empty spaces? Roll for perception. Seven. You drive up and down a few of the lanes, but have yet to locate a vacant spot. Let's all look for one. There's gotta be an empty space somewhere. Very well. Each of you may roll for perception. Eleven. A mine, too. Uh Rory, you do get advantage on your roll thanks to your snack indulgence. Right. Fifteen. As Catus slowly maneuvers the parking lot, each of you keep your eyes peeled for an empty space. Lea has no luck. Val points to an empty space, but it is far too narrow, as the vehicles on either side have both double parked over the white guidelines. I hate it when they do that. Yes, and when all hope seems lost, Crystal Ray notices the sun's reflection flash off the rear end of a vehicle as it begins to back out of a spot. She quickly points it out to Curtis, who swiftly makes his way to the space just in time to get there before another roaming vehicle can take it. Toric, if you would like to park here, please give me a driving check. Oh, now I roll high. Nineteen. Curtis easily pulls into the empty space and parks. You are finally ready to exit the vehicle. However, Crystal Ray is suddenly stricken by another craving for something salty this time. Just as before, you may indulge the craving for advantage on your next roll, or you may resist for disadvantage on your next two rolls. Well, that seems like an obvious choice. Bobby does still have those salted nuts. Thanks. Crystal Ray eats Bobby's nuts. Uh yes, and satisfying her craving, she feels yet another swell of euphoria, like she is ready to take on any challenge ahead of her. You will have advantage on your next roll. Nice. Leaving the parking lot, you all get your first full view of the government facility. A series of wide concrete steps leads up to the solemn windowless stone fortress. You feel your stomachs turn as the ominous aura surrounding the facility seems to engulf your senses. Clouds move in the sky overhead, covering the sun and shady. Your surroundings. Above the oversized doorway is a large crest embossed with the letters D M-O-A-S. Demoise. No, Lair. It stands for the Department of Municipal Ordinances and uh The Department of Municipality Ordinances and Administrative Services. Yeah. That. Indeed it does. Now, how would you like to proceed? Well, we need to go in, don't we? Well, yeah, and check for through.
SPEAKER_01Good idea, Lair.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we should approach cautiously. And so you do. Carefully. You take each step one at a time, slowly ascending to the doorway. With each step you take, you feel as if the gravity is increasing and draining your body's strength through the soles of your feet. Crows perch on the ledge of the building watching you, cawing to one another as if they are mocking your very presence. Although the wide puran did not appear to be steep, you feel as if you have been climbing for a mile by the time you reach the top. Do we need to roll any checks for traps or to spot any dangers? Not at all. The plaza surrounding the building is wide open. From just halfway up the steps, you can already see across the parking lot to the street beyond. Your passive perception is more than enough to determine the surrounding area is free of traps, and you surmise that those within the fortress do not fear those outside, but rather you suspect that the real dangers lie within.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that checks out.
SPEAKER_00Once you reach the top step, you behold the doorway in its entirety. Two giant weathered ivory doors stand closed before you. In front of the doors is a black metal archway, roomed with the technology to detect weapons and ensure individual vulnerability. Standing next to the arch is a short husky man dressed in a blue uniform not entirely unlike that of Officer Bradley's. Or cops? Perhaps. Roll for insight. That's a 13. Because of his previous experiences with law enforcement, Bobby quickly notices that this officer does not carry the same confident, intimidating demeanor of the law enforcement human that you've previously encountered. His balding head and scruffy chin, coupled with his wrinkled shirt and crooked badge, betray his lack of discipline. His round belly hangs just slightly over his belt, and instead of a firearm in his holster, he carries a flashlight. So not a cop. Not a cop, but rather a guardsman of securities. While he does not hold the same authority as law enforcement officers such as Officer Bradley, he does have jurisdiction in this area. Uh, the whole building? Well, the entrance, at least. Regardless, despite security guards lacking the same authority, their mentality drives them to expect and even demand the same level of respect.
SPEAKER_01So if Officer Bradley was, let's say, level five, this guy would be, what, level one? Oh, we can thank him. We don't need to take anybody. Let's just go inside.
SPEAKER_00Okay, fine. As you approach the doorway, the guardsman places his hand out and says, Halt, who goes there?
SPEAKER_01Um, I I guess I'll speak up since we're here for me. I step up to the guardsman and say, uh, I am Derek Humanson, and these are my friends.
SPEAKER_00The guardsman eyes you suspiciously and says, What business have you here, Derek Humanson and friends?
SPEAKER_01Uh um, well, I got an email from the uh Ordinary Department of Mini Pools and the Department of Municipality Ordinances and Administrative Services.
SPEAKER_00Uh yes, that. The Human Affairs and Compliance Division.
SPEAKER_01Right. And uh, they said that I needed to come here in person.
SPEAKER_00The guardsman raises an eyebrow as you speak. He says, that checks out. Move on through the metal detector. And he points you to the arch. One at a time, please. Uh, does it look safe? Yes, and you are familiar with this process. It does not seem out of the ordinary. All right, I go for it. And do the rest of you follow Derek? Yes, I guess. Very well. Each of you walk through the security checkpoint. Everything seems fine until it gets to Crystal Ray. Of course. As Crystal Ray passes through the arch, red lights begin to flash and a high-pitched beeping tone goes off, startling the guardsman. He takes a step back with one hand on his flashlight and says, Ma'am, please step to the side for me. Are you carrying any weapons? Um, no. The guardsman pulls out a wand from behind his back. It looks more like a paddle than a wand. About a foot long, he says to Crystal, please hold your arms out to the side, as he hovers the wand over her body. As he waves it over the front of Crystal Ray's coat, it begins to flash and beep. He says, Ma'am, do you have anything metal underneath your coat? Oh, that's probably just Snuggles Scholar. The guardsman looks at you, confused, and he says, Snuggles, is that a pet? Uh, yes. Unfortunately, ma'am, pets are not allowed inside the facility, he says. However, his mood does seem to lighten. He says, But I don't mind watching it for you. I love animals. He puts the wand away and holds out his hands. Well, if you say so, Crystal Ray opens her coat and pulls Snuggles out. As you remove Snuggles from your coat, the guardsman shrieks in horror. He exclaims, Is that an alligator? Yes, this is Snuggles. Thank you for offering to watch him. The guardsman takes a step back and pulls out his flashlight, wielding it like a baton. His face turns red and his voice escalates. Ma'am, you cannot seriously think that you can bring an alligator to a government facility. You need to leave at once. Great. But Snuggles is an emotional support alligator. The guardsman doesn't take his eyes off Snuggles as the alligator wiggles in your arm, its tail wagging and jaws snapping. The guardsman says, I don't care if it's the Queen's pet. You can't bring an alligator near.
SPEAKER_01Well, I guess Crystal Ray is just gonna have to wait outside.
SPEAKER_00Now hold on just a minute. Snuggles is a certified emotional support animal and is protected by the law. Is that true? Yes, it is, and I have the certificate to prove it. Crystal Ray pulls out her certificate of emotional support and hands it to the guardsmen. Under paragraph 17 of section three of the FHSNA, that's the Florida Humans with Special Needs Act. All facilities that allow the public to enter must allow emotional support animals to enter without hindrance. Roll for persuasion. 12. With advantage, since you've had your snack. 17. The guardsman hesitantly takes the certificate. He reluctantly diverts his attention away from Snuggles to read it. He looks puzzled as he lowers his flashlight and looks back to Snuggles and then to Crystal Ray. He sighs heavily and hands the certificate back to Crystal Ray. He says, Fine, but if that thing gets loose or causes any trouble, you will face serious consequences. Crystal Ray sets Snuggles down on the ground and puts the leash on him.
unknownDon't worry.
SPEAKER_00Snuggles is a good boy.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I just gotta say that was really cool. Florida Woman is on it today.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, for that went a lot better than I was expecting. Indeed, however, suddenly Crystal Ray feels another snack craving. This time for something crunchy. Indult for advantage on another roll, or resist and take disadvantage on the next three rolls. Wait, wait, the next three rolls? Last time it was just two, and I think it was just one the first time. Well, it is a result of hormonal chaos. Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true. Uh guys, I don't have any more crunchy snacks. All I have left is jerky. Does anyone else have any snacks? I don't. Me neither. I told you guys to bring snacks. Well, that's just great. Do you wish to resist the craving? No, I don't wish. Is there any way around here I can get a crunchy snack? The guardsman, appearing annoyed that you are all loitering near the entrance, clears his throat to get your attention. He says, you're looking for snacks. Yes, please. Do you have anything? The guardsman shakes his head. No, I do not. However, there is a machine of vending inside the lobby. Oh, machine of venting? What is that? It allows you to acquire snacks. A crystal ray goes inside to find this machine of vending. And do the rest of you follow her? Yes. Very well. The four of you enter through the giant doors of the government facility. As you pass through the doorway, the air instantly changes. While it was comfortably warm outside, the air inside is cold, stale, and it wreaks a fermented bureaucracy. Your stomachs churn harder than they did when you first approach the building. You each feel a hint of nausea, and your spines tingle. While you can withstand the sensation for the moment, you sense it will only intensify the further you get into the building. Okay, but where are the snacks? Yes, the snacks. Crystal Ray scans the room and quickly locates the machine of vending on the right wall of the lobby. Crystal Ray goes to the snacks. With snuggles in tow, Crystal Ray rushes towards the machine. It is an old relic of times past. A large window allows you to peer inside at the variety of snacks, polstices, and potions available for purchase. Purchase? Indeed. You will need to supply the machine of vending with currency and operate it correctly to acquire your desired snack. Bobby, Crystal Ray needs your help. Oh yeah, sure. Now you need Bobby to help. Everyone laughs at Bobby. What kind of name is Bobby Bobby? No, Bobby, you can't drive.
SPEAKER_01But when there's technology or math, now you want the Asian involved. I mean, to be fair, Crystal Ray is a female and they can't drive either.
SPEAKER_00I apologize, Lair. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses. Your weakness just happens to be driving. But imagine what will happen if Crystal Ray has disadvantage on the next three year olds. Uh fair point. Apology accepted, let me take a look at this thing. Bobby approaches the machine of venting. To the right of the lodge window is a panel with five columns of seven runes each. Give me a technology rule. Oh yeah, 22. Very good. Bobby instantly recognizes the layout of the machine. He determines the currency intake, means that this machine only takes cash and coins. Once the currency is insetted, pressing the correct sequence of runes that corresponds to the desired snack will dispense the purchased item. Uh, do you have any cash on you? Crystal Ray has uh three dollars. Can I get anything for that? To satisfy your craving, you will need a snack that is crunchy. While many of the slots appear to be empty, you do see a bag of corn chips available in the section marked for three dollars. That will work. Okay, Bobby takes Crystal Ray's money and does uh what whatever he needs to do to get the chips. Very well. Bobby inserts the cash, deciphers the runes associated with the chips, and presses them in the correct sequence. The machine hums to life. A coil holding the chips in place begins to rotate, pushing the bag of chips closer to the edge. Finally. However, just as the bag reaches the edge and begins to slip down, the coil stops. The corner of the chip bag just barely hangs on to the edge of the coil. It fails to dispense. No. Oh well that sucks. Can we reach up through where it dispenses to grab it? Uh, you may try. However, it is quite obvious to each of you that even if the bag of chips was on the bottom row, your arms would not fit through the dispensing tray and reach up to them.
SPEAKER_01Man, if only humans could use magic or polymorph into something small enough to climb up into it. Yeah. Or if we had a creature with us that was small enough to climb up in there.
SPEAKER_00Oh, Snuggles. Would Snuggles fit? Uh, you may certainly try. Okay, Crystal Ray uses speak with animals. She thinks she can speak with animals. Snuggles, can you climb up into this machine and get those chips for mommy? Roll for animal handling. Natural twanty. With disadvantage. You have not yet satisfied your craving. Eleven. Very well. Snuggles, eager to please his human, wags his tail and climbs up into the machine of vending. Come on, Snuggles. The alligator struggles to get through the dispenser flap, but he succeeds. Once inside, he wiggles its way up the first couple of rows and stops at a package of chocolate candies. No, Snuggles, the chips go to the chest. Snuggles snaps at the chocolate candies, but then follows Crystal Ray's instructions and moves up two more rows and reaches the bag of chips. He nudges the bag with his snout, but it doesn't fall. He nudges it again, but it still does not dislodge from the coil, holding it in place. Use your teeth, Snuggles. Bite it and pull it off the coil. Snuggles nudges the bag once more before opening its mouth and clamping onto the lower corner of the bag. You hear the crinkly, crunchy noise of the foiled bag tearing and chips crunching under the power of Snuggles' jaw. However, he does manage to successfully dislodge the torn bag from the coil. The bag falls into the dispenser tray, with Snuggles swiftly following after it. Yes, good boy, Snuggles. The little alligator crawls out of the machine of vending with the bag of chips in its mouth. Once out of the machine, it quickly tears into the snack and begins to eat the chips. No, bad boy Snuggles. Snuggles looks up at Crystal Ray with wide, sad eyes. He blinks with his nictitating membrane, pushing a single tear out of one of his eyes. Awww. Crystal Ray picks up the chips and begins to eat them. I'm sorry, Snuggles. You're not a bad boy. I give him a few chips as a reward. Snuggles wags his tail gratefully and accepts the food. And now that Crystal Ray has satisfied her craving, she has gained advantage on her next roll. Worth it. However, here it comes. Because Crystal Ray has taken part in the indulgence three times, she is now under the hooked condition. Wait, she's addicted to snacks? Indeed. And while under the hooked condition, whenever she rolls on the hormonal chaos table, she must roll twice and accept both results.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we are doomed.
SPEAKER_00It could be worse. Let's just get moving. Where do we need to go next? Well, for the first time since you enter the facility, you stop to take a full look at your surroundings. The empty space within the bleak lobby is unsettling, to say the least. There are two rows of six folding chairs each placed in the center of the room. There is a single closed door on the left wall, a single closed door on the right wall next to the machine of vending where you currently stand, and a hallway on the right end of the wall opposite the entrance. To the left of the hallway is a large window pane, behind which sits a single human female at a desk. She is currently looking down and has not seemed to notice your presence. Uh, where are all the humans? The parking lot was full of cars. Indeed it was. However, the lobby itself appears to be devoid of life, save for the single human behind the window. I don't like this. This fortress is pretty big. The other humans are probably just scattered throughout the place. Unless we've entered an alternate plane of existence and are unable to see the other humans.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, they're probably just somewhere else in the facility. Well, Derek should probably go up to the human at the desk and see what he needs to do. What? Why me? Because your human is the reason why we are here. Okay, fine. Derek goes up to the desk to talk to the human female.
SPEAKER_00The female behind the desk is small in stature and is currently looking down at her miniature scrying tablet. She does not look up at you as you approach.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um, Derek says, Hello.
SPEAKER_00My name is Derek Humanson, and I'm here to Without looking up from her phone, the female human interrupts you and Riley says, sign in and take a number. Um, okay.
SPEAKER_01I'm just here to follow up on an email that I got.
SPEAKER_00Still looking at her phone, she cuts you off and asks, Do you have an appointment? Uh well, no. She interrupts you and says, sign in, take a number. Her tone is apathetic and cold. She points to a clipboard sitting on the desk on your side of the window, and then to the number dispenser at the end of the desk.
SPEAKER_01Um, okay. I guess Derek signs his name on the clipboard and takes a number.
SPEAKER_00The number on your ticket is seven. Well, that's not bad. Seven is pretty low, and it's a lucky number. Above the reception window, you see a large sign that says currently serving, below which is a digital display that reads the number 83. Wait, 83? But we have the number seven. Indeed, you do. Maybe it's a mistake.
SPEAKER_01Okay, Derek goes back up to the female receptionist human and asks if his number is correct.
SPEAKER_00Oh, the female human is visibly annoyed. She sets her miniature scrying tablet down and looks at you for the first time. The eye contact sends a chill through to your bowels. She says, once the number reaches the end, it will cycle back to number one and start over. Uh, how many numbers are there? She rolls her eyes, picks up her miniature scrying tablet, and begins looking at it once more. She tells you to take a seat and wait for your number. You feel compelled to do as you are told. Okay, well, I guess Derek takes a seat. Uh okay, so what do we do now? I guess we wait. And so you wait. The hum of the fluorescent lights and the ticking of the clock fills the silent void within the room. You shift uncomfortably in your seats, your patience fading. It feels as though hours pass, but every time you look at the clock, it's hardly been a single minute. Oh come on, man, there's no one else here. What are we waiting for?
SPEAKER_01I'm starting to think your alternate plane of existence theory may not have been too far off.
SPEAKER_00The silence is abruptly cut by a high-pitched chirp coming from the digital display above the reception window. The number changes from 83 to 84. Hey, at least it's moving. The voice of the female human receptionist echoes through an overhead speaker. Number 84. And then as quickly as it departed, the silence returns. Do we see anybody get up when they call number 84? You look around, but you see no other humans within your vicinity. So we just sit here. Oh man, this is going to take forever. And so it would seem. Your humans have come to a stall. An eventful morning has led you to a seemingly impassable obstacle. You managed to survive the perilous commute to the government facility as well as your encounter with the law enforcement human, Officer Bradley. You made it past the Guardsmen of Securities and recovered loot from the machine of vending, although it did lead to Crystal Ray falling under the hooked condition. But how will you make it past this new obstacle? Will you survive delving deeper into the fortress of the Department of Municipality ordinances and administrative services? And where are all the humans in this place? And what's that Lady Human's deal? Why is she so rude? Will Derek reach the Human Affairs Division in time? And what will happen if he does not? We may find ourselves with more questions than answers as we continue our campaign. Find out next time on Households and Humans.
