Dysfunction Junction

Is it possible to be a Christian and still have dysfunctional relationships? I think we all know the answer to that but the bigger question: Is the problem me, or them?

Being Christlike and looking spiritual are two different things. Take a listen and yes, this stepped on my toes too.

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Hey everybody and welcome back to Unfiltered with Jesse B. Can you be right with God and still be a mess in your relationships? Is it possible for your Christianity to look good in the church and then all hell breaks loose outside the church? We're going to go somewhere tonight that might make some of you uncomfortable, but just so you know, you're not alone. This is really a question that Christians don't always want to think about or answer, but can you be right with God and still have a dysfunctional relationship? Absolutely. Now, I will put a disclaimer on here. I'm not talking about willful sin in a relationship, but I'm talking about dysfunction. And I think that we can all find some common ground there, but we're going to get to some controversial questions. Sometimes the problem isn't everybody else. Sometimes the problem is you. And yes, I said it. We have all become really good at diagnosing everybody else's dysfunction, pointing out everybody else's sins and faults with phrases like, they're toxic, they're just narcissistic, they're manipulative, they're control freaks, they're just spiritually immature, they're jealous, or they're offended because I am walking in my calling. Sometimes these things are true, and then sometimes we slap a spiritual label on our own dysfunction and call it discernment. And let me say that again. We slap a spiritual label on our own dysfunction and call it discernment. We call bitterness boundaries, we call avoidance peace. We call judgment discernment, we call pride confidence. We call unforgiveness protecting our heart, and we excuse ourselves from accountability by saying I'm just standing on the word of God. Hang on because we're about to get really unfiltered. You see, as Christians, we need to understand that spiritual maturity and relational maturity don't always develop at the same speed. You can know scripture and still suck at communication. You can pray regularly and still verbally tear somebody up one side and down the other when you're angry. You can worship with your hands raised and a tear or two streaming down your face and still fill your home with toxicity. You can teach about forgiveness and still keep a record of everything somebody ever said or did to you. You can talk about grace while giving none. And how about this one? You can quote first Corinthians thirteen four and come on, you all know it. Love is patient, love is kind, yet the closest ones to you don't ever experience this from you. Christianity isn't just about what happens between you and God. It eventually shows up in how you treat people, including those closest to you. Jesus said in John 13, 35, By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples if ye love one another. This verse doesn't say that they're going to know where Jesus is disciples by how loud we worship, not by how much scripture we can quote or post on social media, not by how many Christian books that you can read in a year, or how many devotions you can do or conferences that you attend, that it's by your love. Now let's get really uncomfortable. Your family, your workplace, your school, they know the real you. The people at church may think you're amazing, your social media followers may think that you've got it all together, your men's group or ladies' Bible study group that you meet with once a week or whatever the case may be. They may think that you're so full of wisdom and spiritual maturity, but what about the people who live with you? What would they say? How do you think your husband or your wife experiences you? And what about your children? Other than being mom and dad, what would they say their experience is with you? Your coworkers, classmates, what do you think they would all say? Do they see Jesus in you? Now here's the deal. You can fool a crowd that only sees you for a couple of hours on Sunday, but you can't fool the people you live with or are around for extended periods of time. They see your temper, they see your selfishness, they see how you handle conflict, and they take note whether or not you apologize. They see whether or not you manipulate in your other words, they see whether or not you actually practice what you preach. Now, does that mean everybody at church thinks that I'm godly? Maybe the better question, if you're asking yourself this, is do people closest to me experience Jesus through me? Now that's the harder question. Now the third point, and here you thought that this would be long and drawn out, stop calling everything toxic. Now, before somebody gets mad at me or sends me hate texts, let me clarify. Yes, there are genuinely abusive relationships, both verbal and physical. There are manipulative people, there are situations where distance is necessary and boundaries are appropriate, but we have got to be careful. The word toxic has become so overused because maybe it's not that person that's toxic, but it's your reaction that's toxic. For example, if somebody disagrees with you or holds a different opinion than you do, doesn't make them toxic. People are not toxic because maybe they called you out on something that you said or did that they didn't feel was right, or simply because they told you something that you didn't want to hear. People are also not toxic because they've established a boundary with you, or they decided to stop putting up with your bad habits, and maybe they decided to hold you accountable. None of this makes them toxic. Sometimes what we call persecution is actually correction. Sometimes what we call rejection is consequence, and sometimes what we call spiritual warfare or demonic attacks is actually reaping the fruit of our own bad choices and behaviors. That's not condemnation, that's called conviction. Ouch. Yeah, I know. Boundaries are biblical, but so is accountability. Jesus had his boundaries. He walked away from crowds. He did not acknowledge every voice, nor did he answer every question or give everybody access to him. But Jesus also did not use boundaries as weapons, and neither should we. If your boundary is designed to push someone or to punish someone, that's not a boundary. For example, if your boundary says, I'm going to ignore you until I feel that you've suffered enough, that's punishment, that's not a boundary. If your boundary means I'm never admitting I'm wrong because I'm protecting my peace, that's pride. That's not boundaries. A healthy boundary says I love you, but I will not participate in this kind of behavior. Now that's different. Now I've been on forgiveness a few times, so we'll just go through some of the misconceptions about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not equal trust. You can forgive somebody and still have boundaries. You can forgive someone and still require changed behavior. You can forgive somebody and not give them the same level of access to your life that they had before. You see, forgiveness releases vengeance, but it doesn't erase wisdom. If someone repeatedly lies to you, forgiveness doesn't require you to keep giving them opportunities to lie. If someone repeatedly abuses your trust, forgiveness does not mean pretending that nothing happened. If someone refuses accountability, forgiveness doesn't require you to continue to participate in their dysfunction. Now for the big question, what if you are the one who is deemed toxic? What if you're the difficult one? What if you're the one that everybody has to walk on eggshells around? What if you always have to win? What if you can't receive correction and what if every disagreement that you're involved in becomes a spiritual battle for that other person? What if you always have a reason as to why you're justified and apologize twenty times for the same behavior but never change it? And your go-to phrase is, This is just how I am. Now I have a theory. If you're one of those people who makes everything about you, then congratulations because everything will be about you, including the reasons why you always seem to be at odds with everyone. In other words, be careful what you wish for, you may get it. Jesus didn't come to save us so that we could stay exactly the same. Romans 12, 2 talks about the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. So if everyone around you has to constantly manage your anger, your moods, your criticism, your manipulation, you might want to look in the mirror instead of asking, Lord, what is it about people that I just don't like any of them or I can't get along with them? You might need to be asking the Lord, what is it about me that people have a problem with? Your character matters to Jesus because everywhere you go, there you are. And not only that, but if you're a Christian, that means that you are also Jesus' representative. So are the people around you drawn to Christ or are they driven away? Now looking spiritual and being Christ alike are two entirely different things. Christ alike character does get tested in relationships, and of course it's easy to love people when they love you. It's easy to be patient when you're not irritated, and it's easy to talk about forgiveness when nobody's hurt you. Just like it's easy to talk about humility when no one has challenged your pride. You see, these tests come when your buttons get pushed, and it's during those times of disappointment and misunderstandings and criticism, or when somebody just blatantly says or does something to hurt you, that's when your spiritual maturity gets exposed. Now sometimes God will remove a person out of your life and sometimes he doesn't. And again, I'm not saying that God expects people to stay in abusive or dangerous situations. But sometimes we do say prayers along the lines of God get this person out of my life. It's either them or me. But God has them there to show you something about yourself. That person may not be the lesson, but your reaction to that person is. Maybe God is teaching you patience or how to be a better communicator. Maybe he's teaching you how to set healthy boundaries or teaching you to stop trying to fix people. Maybe he's teaching you how to stop being controlling or how to stop needing everybody's approval. Sometimes God changes the other person and sometimes he changes you. And here's another one, especially for those who tend to be a little argumentative. You don't have to win every argument to be right. And sometimes you can be factually correct and spiritually wrong in how you communicate. Just because you may have the right point doesn't mean that you have the right attitude. You can have biblical knowledge and still be void of grace. You can tell the truth, but instead of using it as healing, you use it as a weapon. Ephesians 4.15 reminds us to speak the truth in love, not truth without love or love without truth. There's got to be a balance. So before you send that angry text or cut somebody off in traffic or in conversation, before you call somebody toxic, before you post some cryptic meme or Facebook update, or before you start talking about how badly you've been treated by this other person, stop. Get alone with God and ask, Lord, what was my part in all this? Not who's right, who's wrong, who started what, or so and so owes me an apology because, but what is it that you, Lord, are trying to change in me? And that's the conversation that can change everything. So here's a challenge to all of you. Think about the most dysfunctional relationship in your life right now. Don't immediately think about what they need to change, but ask God, what do you need to change? Maybe you need to be the one that forgives. Maybe you're the one who needs to apologize. Maybe you need to establish a healthy boundary, and maybe you might have to have that conversation that you've been avoiding. Maybe you need to stop trying to control someone, and maybe you just need to walk away. Now, another disclaimer, and don't shut this off with that last statement, thinking that I'm advocating divorce. Absolutely not. You need to seek counsel from your pastor or Christian counselor who can give you biblical guidance and wisdom. But to answer the first question at the verse of the show, yes, you can be right with God and still have a dysfunctional relationship, but if you are sincerely walking with God, you shouldn't be comfortable staying dysfunctional. That's a wrap. Thanks for listening. Love you guys. Have a great weekend, and I look forward to talking to you next week. Love you guys. Good night.