Friend Divorces

Some friendships don’t explode. They just get quieter, heavier, and harder to hold. We go live and talk through what it really looks like when you outgrow friends: the guilt of walking away, the jealousy that shows up when someone else is thriving, and the awkward distance that forms when your lives stop matching.

We unpack why this isn’t just a “women thing” or a “men thing” but a people thing. Callers help us name the real causes: different seasons, different emotional maturity, and different capacity to give, not just to receive. We talk priorities shifting with marriage, kids, careers, and healing, and how ambition can change your environment when the people around you prefer the old version of you. We also get honest about red flags, toxic friendships, and why some relationships survive on history and memories instead of current compatibility.

You’ll hear the metaphors that stick: the front row rotating, pruning dead parts so new growth can come back, and the hard truth that nobody is owed access to every version of you forever. We end with “dope or nope” takes on cutting people off, staying loyal to misalignment, and whether closure conversations are necessary.

If you’re navigating a friendship breakup, feeling lonely in a transition, or trying to set healthier boundaries, press play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review telling us: are you the closure person or the clean-cut person?

Transcript

Welcome And Defining Outgrowing Friends

SPEAKER_03 0:01

What about your friends? Can they stand their crown? What's up, you all? We're live tonight. I'm excited. I'm so excited. We're talking about outgrowing friends. What does outgrowing friends actually mean? Today we're talking about it. We're talking about the guilt of walking away at some point, the jealousy, the competition, the distance. I mean, we're just gonna hit it all. I'm just gonna say. And I'm middle. And we're the two.

SPEAKER_07 1:13

So, this is what y'all wanted to hear. You know, we did a poll uh a couple of weeks ago when we ended the uh past season, and at the top of the list was outgrowing friends.

SPEAKER_03 1:24

Outgrowing friends. And when you all said that, we thought about it, we talked about it, we said, you know what, we got to bring them in on this conversation because after all, it's about you, and this is what you wanted. So why not have you be a part of it tonight? We don't want to just talk to you through the screen, we want to actually hear from you, we want to see you so we're ready. So I've been thinking, Melison, about this whole topic of outgoing friends, and we have all been there.

SPEAKER_07 1:54

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:54

We've been there. Um, when we were talking about it, I could think of different people, different scenarios in my head. Uh breaking up with friends is almost like a it's a friend divorce. It's a friend divorce, a friend voice. Friend voice. We're friend voicing tonight. But um, when I thought about outgrowing friends, I said, does it really have to be a negative take on it? Because some people hear that and they say, does that mean like it was fake? It was never real? Does it mean I'm saying I'm better than them now? Uh what are we actually saying when we're saying we've outgrown somebody? So tonight, of course, we got our take on the whole topic and our situations, but we do want to hear from a caller right now.

SPEAKER_07 2:47

We want some engagement.

SPEAKER_03 2:48

We want some engagement. We want to talk to you and hear what you're talking about. So let's hear it. Who we got coming up? Who's coming in? Because we ready, we ready, we ready. We gotta talk about this thing because y'all out here. Some of y'all are friendless, some of y'all looking for a friend, some of y'all need a friend, some of y'all trying to

A Support Call That Changed Everything

SPEAKER_03 3:20

figure out the whole friendship thing. I personally know that in the beginning it was kind of hard for me. I thought about, and you probably don't even remember this. This was some years ago. We were in the Dominican Republic, and I got a call from somebody who I thought was like my girl, my friend. We had been riding since freshman year of college. And that thing kind of took me back a little bit. When she called, one of the first things she said is she felt like I wasn't supporting her as a friend. And I had to ask her, I said, what did I do to make you feel as though I wasn't supporting you? And I started naming scenarios.

SPEAKER_07 4:08

You got the double good popcorn. I said, well, we didn't. $200 worth.

SPEAKER_03 4:13

$200 worth of, you know, what she was selling at the time. I don't want to give too much information. Um, but she came to visit Jacksonville um to do a retreat or whatever, and I said, Well, hey, drop your child off. I'll keep your child. We've run daycares over here. I mean, I was, I thought I was doing everything. And sometimes, you know, for some people, whatever you're doing is not enough.

SPEAKER_07 4:40

It's not enough. It's not enough.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

Or sometimes maybe your friend just needs a little bit more. Um, I didn't take it now that I look back on it, I did. I took it very personal when the situation happened. But now looking back on it, I'm thinking maybe, maybe we should have talked through it a little bit more, or was it worth it for me at the time to communicate and talk about it a little bit more? And I think that's some of the things that we need to get into tonight about communication of if the friendship is worth it, do you think you know it's worth coming back for some more talk about it? So I don't know. I don't want to get too much, you know, into my stuff right now. Let's hear from a caller. We got somebody uh on the line.

Seasons, Capacity, And Emotional Maturity

SPEAKER_03 5:30

All right, Halima Scurry. Hey girl, we see you. So, Halima, tell us about your experience with outgrowing a friend, or um, maybe you have a suggestion.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

So I just want to chime in with what you said because you know, we are a lot of times in friendships, I don't think we understand we're in different so a lot of times we can be in different seasons as far as you know, you may be in a season of leveling up where your friend may be in a seasons of a season of trying to maybe just just grow, and their growth may not look like you're leveling up. Um, so sometimes I feel like that can impede upon the friendships. It sounded like maybe at the time, like you said, you all just maybe needed to communicate, but also sometimes it could just be that the person with the season that they're in, they're just not in a season for friendship. They don't have the capacity for friendship because professional right there. It goes it goes two ways. And a lot of times people don't, they don't, they they have the capacity to to receive the other end from a friendship, but they don't have the capacity to be able to give. And so then when they're not being, when they feel like something is missing on their end, they don't look at it and say, okay, well, like you said, this person is doing XYZ and XYZ and XYZ. How am I showing up? You know, like that could have been a conversation that you all had because just as well as you she felt as though maybe you weren't showing up in a way that she felt like she needed, maybe you felt the same, you know, and maybe you all could have talked about, you know, talked about talked about your needs. That's good. You know, so good.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

And now too, I'm I'm thinking back and I'm looking back, and I said, I think we were at a different place as far as emotional maturity. Um, and you you said something that I thought about. We were in different places, uh, you know, through college, it was fun, and we were young, and we were having fun and hanging out and doing that, and then we became adults, and we started looking at each other like, hmm, you maturing a little bit faster than I am. You already got kids, you already married, you already here, you're already doing this. And that person wasn't really there at that place yet, but they wanted to be at that place. And here I am saying, shoo, you you feeling the way, but I want to be where you are. I want to still be, you know, just free, single, no kids, just out there living the life. Um, again, more communication, I think, could have taken care of that. Um, but yeah, I think a part of outgrowing friendships is definitely different levels of emotional maturity. Um, another thing I think you hit on was different levels of um just places as far as where we are in life.

SPEAKER_07 8:50

Yeah, because I think that that can be hard for people. You know, we've I I know, well, I've sat back and seen people in a different season where everything is just going right, you know, everything is lining up, their job, their career, their family, you know. Um they just uh it just seems like that they're really, really winning in all categories. And when you're not necessarily winning, you know, when when you're lonely, when you're um, you know, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.

SPEAKER_03 9:26

Well, all your bills paid, but I'm sitting over here broke.

SPEAKER_07 9:28

There you go. There you go, there you go. When you're just you know struggling emotionally, financially, career-wise, everything, it's hard to sit there and be so, so, so happy about somebody else and what's going good for them. Uh, because a lot of times it's kind of a mirror, and this is real talk, you know. It is it's neither right nor wrong, it's just real, to at least real to me. But you you're sitting there comparing yourself to that other person and it doesn't feel so good. And we all know that comparison and that can call cause distance. Yes, and that can cause distance because it does not make me feel good that you just winning. You winning.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

And what's what's so good about that's you know, not good about me. Why is it that you're always in a winning season and I can't catch a break?

SPEAKER_07 10:29

Yeah, exactly. You know, exactly. Especially with, you know, and friendships is a lot of times we've we've known each other for a while. You know, we know the good, bad, and ugly, and you like, this person not even a real good person.

SPEAKER_03 10:42

You know? Listen, Halima, we appreciate you so much for calling in tonight. Stay on the podcast and let's keep the conversation going.

SPEAKER_07 10:50

Thanks for your comments, Halima. That was good.

SPEAKER_03 10:52

Thank you, Halima. That was good. Yeah, Millicent. Um, I truly enjoyed the fact that you said about the different levels of almost kind of like, yeah, they're comparing, but we're you're giving them something to compare to. Yeah. And that's just life. I mean, we can be in high school together, we can be in college together. People are gonna always, somebody's always gonna

Comparison, Jealousy, And Life Priorities

SPEAKER_03 11:25

elevate faster than the other.

SPEAKER_07 11:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just takes, you know, it takes, it takes just owning up to, you know, whatever's going on with you, your insecurities or whatever. And um just saying, listen, I I love that you're winning, but I gotta tighten up because I want to be there with you, you know.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

But what about those friends when your priorities change? When your priorities change. Those different priorities can change friendships. Yeah, absolutely. I've been there. Um and I I want to say I was the one probably out of college that hurried up, got married, had to be a good thing. And so your priority became your family life. So my priority became my family life.

SPEAKER_07 12:15

Um, my priority was the next happy hour.

SPEAKER_03 12:18

And your priority was the next happy hour, or your priority was, you know, you were still probably pursuing another degree. Yeah. Just all of our priorities are different. So how do we handle or navigate when the priorities change and I'm not your your hangout friend, your party friend anymore. I'm now, you know, probably the friend you can call and be like, girl, yeah, I got on a moo. I got this baby on my head.

SPEAKER_07 12:46

You have on a moo moo and you are 35. You need to have somebody.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

You can make a moo look cute. It's time for another caller. We on this thing about friendships, y'all. Outgrowing them. What do we do? How do we handle it? What happened to the friendship?

SPEAKER_07 13:07

Yeah, I know I walked away from some situations where I'm like, I don't even know what happened. I didn't know what had happened.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

You know why you don't know what happened? Because nobody likes to have and I know I'm believing the closing conversations. Believe

When Growth Raises Your Tolerance Bar

SPEAKER_03 13:20

on the closure conversations. What's up, Dallas Cook? Thank you for coming through on the podcast tonight. We're talking about outgoing friends. Where are you? What happened? Are you still cool? Do you want to be cool again? Talk about it. Can you hear me well? I can hear you very well.

SPEAKER_05 13:48

I think this topic is a very, very important topic because it resonates with both men and women. And I think either can find themselves in this faith when it comes to friendship. Um this quote hasn't been attributed to several people all the time, but it's live. When you rise them, when you're grinding, and when God is shifting you. Everyone isn't necessarily applauding for you. Sometimes we have to learn that real time. Um you legitly have to be solid in trust whatever process or whatever journey that you are on. Allow God to keep moving. Allow God to shift you. Because sometimes everybody can't come with you. I love, love, love. I grew up very, very poor. And I want everybody to win with me. I want to bring everybody. If I could pick everybody up and put them on my back, I would bring them with me. But sometimes that's not my plan. It's not it's it may be my desire, but that isn't the plan that God has for me. And it's hard. Those friendships and those bonds are deeper than a marriage that you have been in with someone for decades.

SPEAKER_03 15:04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 15:05

Because those friends, those relationships are just as important. They are shifting and friends who are outside of relationships like that is difficult.

SPEAKER_07 15:14

Yeah, they can be. They can be. I know I've been listening you have uh definitely, definitely uh hit a note with that because that is that is real talk of you know having experienced some situations where it was just like, wow, I can't even believe that happened. But I think also you have to one of the things that I've learned is about I know I have put the wrong people on my front row. Oh. You know what I'm saying? Is it like I should have um shifted some, shifted some, maybe they should have been on, you know, the back pew or somewhere in the middle, but definitely not on the front row. And that caused me to really grieve relationships because I I did too much too soon. You know, it's kind of like you had to vet the people. And I think once you vet them and really spend time, do research, observe, sit back and be quiet, you can better be able to determine if this is really something that is healthy for me. So that's definitely one of the things that that I experienced where it was just like, okay, I gotta cut that.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

That's because too, you started growing. And so as you were growing, as uh all of us, as we grow, our habits change.

SPEAKER_07 16:40

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:41

As we grow to move different, we start to move different as we grow, our tolerance changed. So some of the things that we were willing to put up with with our friends, as we start to grow a little more, it's like, ugh, I don't want to, I can't deal with that. I can't put up with that. I'm not even in the position to tolerate that type of behavior. I don't even have the wherewithal at this point. Correct. That's not even in my wheelhouse anymore. So growth definitely changes the tolerance, most definitely. Dallas, you know we love you. Thank you for tuning in and giving us your words of wisdom tonight on outgrowing friends. We're gonna keep the topic going. We're gonna keep it going because this is real.

SPEAKER_07 17:28

It really is real, and you know, it it's it's very dangerous because I know I've experienced toxic friendships. I didn't realize that they were toxic, you know, in it, but now on the back end in hindsight, I was just, you know, it's just like that revelation. This was doomed from the start.

SPEAKER_03 17:47

One thing that I've noticed, of course, about you, because we're together, uh I've seen over, I would say probably the past three to five years, ambition has changed your environment. And so when your ambition is different from the ambition of those that are in your circle, your environment changes.

SPEAKER_07 18:16

When I started to really believe that I could do all things.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

When you really started to believe that you could do it, and you actually started doing it, your circle was like, wait a minute, who is that? That's not the Millicent I know.

SPEAKER_07 18:31

Oh, they wanted me to go back to Little Millie.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

Well, one thing I was gonna say people that are around you and in your circle, part of that environment, they love the old you. It's something about the old you that people just because the old you probably wasn't thriving. The old you didn't know that you could do it, you didn't have the ambition. The old you was just doing the same thing we were doing.

SPEAKER_07 18:59

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 19:00

You're right, it's real, it is real. It is real. I'm hearing that we still got callers waiting, trying to get in the queue. So we don't want to take up a whole lot of time. We definitely want to let you in. We want to hear from you. We got to talk about this outgrowing friends because this thing is real. And one thing Dallas just mentioned and what she said is that this is not a gender thing.

SPEAKER_07 19:24

Oh no, it's a people issue.

SPEAKER_03 19:26

It's a people.

SPEAKER_07 19:27

Man, woman, boy, girl, it doesn't matter. They, them, it doesn't matter. It's a people issue.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

Correct. Are we ready for the next caller? Call her, call her, call her, call her, come on in. What about your friends? Hey, what about your friends? Hey, so as we're waiting for the next caller, we're gonna keep talking about how I watch your circle change, your environment change due to your ambition. And I feel like this. If you're my friend, I shouldn't have to shrink myself to fit in with you. And a lot of people do that. A lot of people shrink instead of allowing that person to rise, you know, to your level. So we can't be out here shrinking ourselves to be cool with somebody because if we cool, they wouldn't even want to see you do that. All right, where are we with the next caller? Oh

Knowing Who Really Supports You

SPEAKER_03 20:30

hey, it's Miss Jasmine Monroe. It's me. Yes, you what about your friends? Didn't they stand their ground? Did they stand their ground? Did they stand their ground? Are they still around?

SPEAKER_07 20:51

Did they turn their back on you?

SPEAKER_03 20:53

What had happened was we're talking about I love that.

SPEAKER_04 21:00

I love the conversation because I think that's the hardest conversation that women type have to have, you know, for the most. I think it's everyone, not even just women. I think everyone has a hard time of letting go. I think even when you see weddings, and I used to think like, oh my God, how am I gonna fit all these people, all my friends? And it's like, I don't even think I have a good three people that I was friends with back in high school or back in college, um, now at the same time. So I think it's important for you to grow with your friends. If your friends aren't growing with you, like Mill said, like you had the wrong people in the front row. Um I'm I'm about to put y'all on. Instagram has something that shows you who supports you, who reposts you, who likes your comments. Shut up. Yes. So you go look at that and you see who's really rocking with you. And it'll put some things into perspective. Um, and you know, everyone. Is not a social media person, so I don't want it like that to be the full thing, but but it doesn't have to be social media.

SPEAKER_03 22:06

You can call me, you can shoot me a quick text. Hey girl, how you doing? You just ran across my mind. Have a blessed day.

SPEAKER_04 22:14

That's it. Yeah, that's it. I think that always like me. For me, I always said, like, I'm not I'm not perfect. I always tell people I'm not perfect, but if I make mistakes, I want the type of friends that let me know, like, hey, you said this or you did this to me. It doesn't have to be at that place right there. You don't have to put it on blast, but correct my behavior. I'm not perfect, and I'm not afraid to say that I'm not perfect either. Right. So the type of friends that I have now with me now understands who I am to the core. Like when I'm not around, and somebody may say, Oh, I can't believe she did this. I want you to speak up for me and say, I don't think she maybe you, you know, you took it the wrong way or she was in a different place. But let me explain to you the type of friend that I have. You know, that's the type of friends that I want around me. Saying your names in rooms that you have no idea, you know, what's going on. Like that's the type of people that I want to be with. And you can't talk to your friends. I know. Listen, this is this is the topic, baby.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

You know, you preaching that you're coming from Jasmine Lincoln's verse five. Not the three. Come on now. Baby, I'm gonna cue on the orphan in the back.

SPEAKER_07 23:33

No, I'm gonna take an offering.

SPEAKER_04 23:35

Pass it around, pass it around. Because I think people go through similar things.

SPEAKER_07 23:40

Oh yeah, oh yeah, but definitely people are going through similar things, you know, is I I think that's why I love this platform for many reasons, but it allows us to connect and remain connected and share experiences so that we all know that we're not in this alone, you know, is what you're going through. I'm either going through, been through, or headed into. So, you know, these are some tips. You just say the whole circle weather the storm.

SPEAKER_03 24:11

The whole, is it the circle?

SPEAKER_07 24:13

Right. Yeah, weather the storm. The circle of trust. Amen to Hakuna Matata.

SPEAKER_04 24:18

Hakuna Matata. But hey, listen, I say cut the friends off. I've always been uh, you know, I'm a leader of the pack of if if it ain't serving me, I'm I'm quick gone. You know, I think I'll prove it.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

I think that's a great approach, Jasmine. Some people have an issue though with holding on.

SPEAKER_07 24:40

I did, I did, I did. I wasn't gonna tell you. I did. That's why I said some people. I did. No, no, no, no, no. Is is is I stand as a witness to what happens when you hold on and you ignore, excuse that orange flag, yellow flag, red flag, purple gray, blinking great, blinking light, blinking light, and then you know, it gets it gets too bad. So now I really don't even make excuses for people that way because I feel like the past, I would say 20 years, definitely the past 10 years, I have had made some terrible, terrible choices in friends

Memories, Obligation, And Friendship Grief

SPEAKER_07 25:30

and how I handle them and let that friendship go on far too long when I should have just gone ahead and cut it off.

SPEAKER_03 25:39

I think sometimes we stay connected to people because of memories, not because of compatibility. And so the memories allows us to hang on. Oh, we've been friends for 20 years, we've been through so much together. Oh, she was I mean, that's powerful friendship. I experienced that. I had a friend literally, um, she was there when I had my oldest daughter. She was at the hospital. Um, she literally showed up right when I was getting ready to give birth. And part of me for not wanting to let go or I couldn't let go is because that memory was in my head of she gotta love me, she gotta care about me because she was there at such a huge important part of my life. But I'm not even thinking about, okay, girl, at this point, that was 20 years ago. What does that have to do with right now? How she's showing up for me now, how our different lifestyles, how different perspectives, how different emotional maturity, everything has come between the friendship. Oh, yeah. So I think that's some of the things that we have to understand that time doesn't necessarily have to bound you at my without a person. Yours was out of obligation.

SPEAKER_07 27:09

My was obligation is I felt like, you know, this person, this person, this person looked out for me, and I owe them, you know, me. I owe them access. I owe them whatever. And I had to change. I thought you owe them access. Yeah, I had to change my whole mental. I mean, it was like I was going to uh number one, it I grieved the friendship ending uh just because of how I am. Like, like seriously.

SPEAKER_03 27:39

You went through your friend voice.

SPEAKER_07 27:41

I went through a friend force, I had funeralized the friendship, you know, um, just everything. And it felt like years of just emotional rehabilitation uh because of my personality. I'm not like a person that has a lot of people or has a big circle. So it was very hurtful. It was it was very hurtful for me to accept the reality that I made the wrong choice and I was disappointed in that person, but I was even more disappointed in me. Wow, and so I agree. I grieved, Jasmine.

SPEAKER_04 28:28

Mill, I feel you.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

I feel you, I feel you. Jasmine, we appreciate you for coming on tonight. Thank you so much. Keep watching because we're still talking about outgrowing friends. We've been told that we're getting um booked in the line. So we want to bring as many people as we can. I call them booked. We've books and busy over here on the Two Dog Chicks Podcast. Let these people in. They got something to say. Where is the next caller? They said one second. That is crazy when you say I grieve the funeral line.

SPEAKER_07 29:04

I agree that it was as if I had a funeral, and it was the it was a funeral, it was the death of a relationship, a death of a friendship.

SPEAKER_03 29:13

But after you funeralized that friendship, did you feel peace?

SPEAKER_07 29:17

Because I felt peace, but I felt, you know, the Scorpio and me be angry. And so, you know, I've I've even still to this day, kind of still angry with me, but you know, I'm a work in progress. Amen. We all are.

SPEAKER_03 29:32

Well, hey, as you can see, outgoing friendships comes with grief. It's it comes with just looking at ourselves in the mirror and sometimes disappointing to ourselves when we say, How did I even ever? But that's growth though. It is that is growth. That's growth, that's all it

Friends For A Season, Front Row Rotates

SPEAKER_03 29:55

is. Hi, welcome to the Tudo Chicks Podcast. Hey Lisa, what's up? We're talking about outgoing friends, and we just want to hear your perspective of have you ever been through something like this? What does it look like? What does it feel like? I mean, just tell us what's going on with you. Friendships, girl, we outgrowing them over here.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

There are times where people will be in your life for a reason, just for a season. And I'm glad that you all are having this conversation today. Thank you for making this platform available because friendships are important. We are not meant to be alone. And though you may have your romantic relationship, friendships can add so much richness to your life. It expands your cloister community because we all grew up differently. So if you have friends from different backgrounds, different experiences, it could really enrich your life. And I think that the thing that I feel like both of you exemplify is to be a good friend, the Bible says is you got to show yourself friendly. And both of you are those friends where you're welcoming, you love people, good, bad, and ugly. And when folks don't necessarily still have the same ministry in life, it's okay. Like there's a book called The Four Grievements. And the number one of the agreements is don't take things personally. And I had to learn that because when people just dropped off as friends, or maybe they they divorced friend divorced me, as y'all said, and I didn't get a notice. I didn't know. And like you were saying, Mill, how you were grieving over that friendship. Definitely have been there. But I realized if you know that you've done all you can to support somebody, they just maybe going through something. You just can.

SPEAKER_08 31:43

I love it.

SPEAKER_01 31:45

You just can't. And I love the analogy that you all use about the front row, right? In a theater, life is a stage, and your front row can rotate. Every show, there's new people in the front row. And some people may have been on the front row, they may have been stage crew right by you. But this show, now you in the last row, or you may be an usher in the lobby. But it's all good. You may be an usher this season, but next season you may come back, and it's okay because there's different things that you need at different points in your life.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

Well, I like what you said about seasons, though, when it comes to friendship, because I think sometimes as humans, we don't know when the season has come to an end because we gotta understand that everyone's gonna be able to do it. We don't want to let it go. Everybody is not a lifelong connection, we don't want to let it go. Everybody was not put in your life for life.

SPEAKER_07 32:37

We like to say ride or die, but we really don't mean that. We really don't mean that.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

It sounds good, it sounds good, yes. But everybody ride until listen, the only friend that is here with me for a life. I think about that song. What a friend we have in Jesus.

SPEAKER_08 33:00

Hallelujah.

SPEAKER_03 33:01

That's my friend. It is Wednesday night.

SPEAKER_07 33:03

It is Wednesday night. We're supposed to be in Bible study. We have service on the podcast, service on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 33:11

You mean me? Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 33:17

Woo! Come on now, take your time. We have no love for you. We have no love for you.

SPEAKER_09 33:25

Yes, Lisa.

SPEAKER_03 33:26

We appreciate you coming on to Though Chicks Podcast. Always great words. You always have a reference for us to go back and and read and research. So we appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

I appreciate y'all. And thank you for being some of the dopest, most loving, and truly uh the friends that are gonna be authentic and show up and show and be real. So thank you.

SPEAKER_03 33:52

Thank you, Lisa. Love you. Bye. Man, that is so true. That front row um can rotate depending on the season. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, you gotta do it. Doesn't necessarily mean that you're still in my front row now. Because now, guess what we're starting to realize? We're starting to realize that friendships they shift.

SPEAKER_07 34:19

Oh yeah, they shift. They move.

SPEAKER_03 34:20

That's why it's a shift.

SPEAKER_07 34:22

We we we move. I love that. I love that.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

I've never heard that before.

SPEAKER_07 34:26

Yeah, it moves. That's good. I'm gonna use that.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

Use it.

SPEAKER_07 34:29

The shift. The ship. I like that.

SPEAKER_03 34:31

Relationships, friendships, they're

Forced Conversations And Trauma Bonds

SPEAKER_03 34:35

constantly moving, constantly changing. And so at some point, we have to start to because we don't just outgrow people. We we just don't wake up the next day and be like, oh, okay, I can't do her no more. We've been seeing some stuff, we've been ignoring some stuff, or I can't do him anymore. We've ignored a lot. Yeah, we've put up with a lot. So how do we how can you tell when you're starting to outgrow friends? I know for me, where I used to be excited to hang out with with a person or uh happy when they called or I called them, like, but then the conversation started to feel forced. And I'm like, hmm, like this ain't what it used to be. But I was hanging on because I still had the memory of how great the friendship was.

SPEAKER_07 35:32

Yeah, you wanted to be there for them.

SPEAKER_03 35:33

And I wanted to be there because I mean, you're my friend. You're my friend. And so when when I realized that we were outgrowing each other, yeah, friendships that I mean the conversations definitely felt forced. I got to a point where I felt like I was more of a sounding board than anything. It was like, dang, did we trauma bond?

SPEAKER_07 36:00

Oh, that's good. Yeah, was our relationship. I was going through something, you were going through something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:07

Now I'm not going through my stuff anymore. Now you're not going through your stuff anymore. And with the trauma came the drama.

SPEAKER_07 36:15

That was funny. Hung close like Celia and Netty. Okay, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

Yeah, so with the trauma came all of the drama.

SPEAKER_07 36:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:25

And so now all of that is gone. It's like it's almost like two parents looking at each other after all the kids have graduated and they moved out, and we're looking at each other like, what's your name?

SPEAKER_07 36:37

Right. Right. Right. Who are you? Yeah. Yeah. You you are absolutely right. I think we got another collar.

SPEAKER_03 36:47

We got another collar. Who is this? We can see you in the chest of a second. Okay. Oh, we like it. She came back. You must have something else on your heart. What what's on your heart and mine? We can hear you.

SPEAKER_05 37:26

I'm sorry. It's a little delayed.

SPEAKER_07 37:29

It's all right.

Betrayal Stories And Boundary Lessons

SPEAKER_07 37:30

I'm sorry. It's all right. Take your time.

SPEAKER_05 37:32

This is a very, very um powerful conversation, a very, very powerful topic. Um, because I definitely think there's a lot of people, whether they calling in, whether they're saying anything, they resonate with this topic. Oh, yeah. Um, you asked what what what it looks like. It looks like distance. It looks like separation. It looks like um if it feels lonely. Um, because you hit on you, you guys, you ladies have already hit on a lot of the topics with separation, with uh this, it looks like a funeral, honestly. Yeah, it legitly does. Um, because it's the death of something that you may have been holding on to for 20 plus years, and it is so hard. When Mill said, um, I was holding on longer than I should have, that resonated with me because I've been in that space. I just did not want to accept what was right in front of my face because it looked different from the norm. Right, right. You know, you had those people, even if it was something that bothered you about them, you knew either you had them to have the conversation to say, hey, that bothered me. But to think about that they are no longer there, even when you know that it's the right thing and it's the space, it makes sense for the space that you are in now, it it's difficult. It's difficult to let people know, let people go, even when you know um it doesn't make sense for the space that you're in right now.

unknown 39:07

Right.

SPEAKER_05 39:07

Um, because it's a death, it's a loss, it's a separation, it's distance, it's space, it's it's all of the above.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

It it literally makes me tear up. I'm sitting here and I'm listening to you talk, and I'm going all the way back to, and I know this this has been forever ago, but this girl and I, we were, I mean, we were inseparable. And I mean, I would have done anything for her. And I never forget her mom passed away. Her mom passed away of cancer. My heart broke like it was mama. I I would take her home with her, like just like when it was in college. And literally, it's crazy. You're telling that story. And Millicent has heard this story before. It was, you know, my past life before Millicent. Uh, I found out literally the summer uh of my, I want to say, senior year of college. I found out from her roommates, who happened to have at that time been from my hometown, and she called me one day. She said, I really need to talk to you. And she said, uh, we need to meet up and let's talk face to face. I'm like, okay, sure. I didn't have no idea what this girl was about to tell me. She literally told me, she said, she's messing with your boyfriend, almost soon-to-be fiance. They had been having a whole relationship, almost like half of the relationship that I thought he and I were having. My heart broke. I was like, no, you can't be telling me about this person. This got to be somebody else. And she was like, no. This girl literally told me every time he picked her up, every time he called their room, every time she saw them together. And I was just, I wasn't even mad at him.

SPEAKER_07 41:15

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're gonna have to have a whole nother episode on that and break that thing down.

SPEAKER_03 41:20

But I was more hurt that I was more hurt honestly at the person who I thought you were my friend. I was more hurt honestly, now thinking about it, I was I was more hurt because of the.

SPEAKER_05 41:33

That's unpacking right there. That's unpacking.

SPEAKER_03 41:36

I think this is gonna be. If she's watching, you know, I'm not sure if she's watching. You know, we're older now, we're mature now, it is what it is. But I was genuinely hurt back then because you were my girl, you were my friend, and I didn't think anybody in the world they could have told me. Never would have thought it was you.

SPEAKER_07 42:00

Did you let me ask you this for the for the for the audience and the callers on the line. Did you ever confront him?

SPEAKER_03 42:07

Absolutely. Absolutely. Confronted him, argued about it, went through all of that. We're not gonna go back through relationships, and you know the story.

SPEAKER_06 42:20

But you married him anyway. I'm done with that.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

That's all she wanted to get out, anyways. Anyway, red flag. You you forgive and you forget, yeah. Again, red flags. So ayan.

SPEAKER_07 42:34

Some have been ignored. So I remember hearing something from Ayanla, and I think it's so appropriate in moments like this, and it's not about that. Thank you, Shantae, for your transparency, uh, because that took a lot of courage. Um, thank you for nothing. Yeah. But Ayanla said, we teach people how to treat us. So, how you behave pre marriage, amen, is how you behave post.

SPEAKER_03 43:09

So, anyway, we're going out to be.

SPEAKER_07 43:14

Anyway, and oh wait, let me just finish my point. I'm I'm off of that. But this is now speaking over my life.

SPEAKER_03 43:21

This is what happens when we're live. So there are no edits, no nothing. This is live, ladies and gentlemen. So, anyways.

SPEAKER_07 43:29

The things that I accepted from the people who I believe to be friends, and when you make those excuses and when you uh say, Oh, that's just who he or she is for me, that allowed them to feel like, oh, okay, it's cool that I'm doing this to her. It's cool that I don't show up. You know, it's cool that um she's investing more. I'm I'm always on a taken end, and you know, I'm Never given anything. So it's just that was one of the major, major lessons that I've had to learn. I would say really the past 10-15 years the hard way.

SPEAKER_03 44:11

Well, too, I think what I noticed in one of the friendships that I think you're speaking of that friendship was surviving off of history.

SPEAKER_07 44:24

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:25

Time. It was history. It was time. It was memories. Nothing else. And honestly, we have to ask ourselves the question: can friendships last off of history, off of time? And I know a lot of us, we still have childhood friends. I do. I still have, you know, childhood friends now as we all adults in adulthood, um, and we've gone through all kinds of things or whatever in life together. And that those friendships, they are very rare. Because some of them don't last, some of them don't make it. So when I hear people say, I've been friends with somebody, you know, 30 years, that is absolutely phenomenal. That is amazing because you don't really see that anymore. I I I can count on my one hand. One hand, how many friends that I have from childhood. One hand, how many friends I have from high school. One hand, how many friends I have from college. I'm talking about friends. I'm not talking about people that you just, you know, kick it with every now and then. Y'all hang out together, y'all party. I'm talking about people who are with you when you're on the valley. I'm talking about people that are with you when you're in the valley. I'm talking about people who you can call and tell anything to, and they hold your secrets right here.

SPEAKER_07 45:48

And don't run your business on the street.

SPEAKER_03 45:49

Don't run your business on the streets. I'm talking about people who will go the extra mile for you.

SPEAKER_07 45:57

And we'll always give you their best.

SPEAKER_03 46:00

And will always give you their best. And I'm even talking about people who will correct me. And I can correct them, or we can give each other constructive criticism or you know, feedback. People that I can really be real with. Can I honestly say you my friend? If I'm not even willing for you to be like, now, girl, now come on now. Now you know that was wrong. We're gonna talk about it. I love you, but no, we can't go out like that. Well, you can be honest with you. Well, we can be transparent and we can be honest with each other. So that's what we mean when we're talking about friends and not growing them. So, Dallas, we appreciate you for calling back and you know, sticking this topic out with us because it's it's rough.

SPEAKER_07 46:46

It's even hard to talk about. It's because it brings like so much pain. That's hard to talk about. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:54

Yeah. Do we have another caller waiting for us?

Healing, Stress, And Closure Talks

SPEAKER_03 47:00

We do. Yeah, this this I'm so glad you all um, and we we said from jump this podcast. One of the things we wanted to make sure that we accomplished was that we're all about healing. All about healing. And we're we're gonna heal here, regardless if it's hard to talk about, uh, hard to hear. We need to talk about things. We need to be able to candidly discuss things and be transparent. We could talk about all the hot topics all day long. Let's be real. We could talk about celebrity stuff, we could talk about that's good for them. And you know, love it. I watch a lot of podcasts and I'm I'm in it and I'm laughing and I love it. But sometimes we got to face the real stuff, the day-to-day stuff, the stuff that we carry, like our baggage, because we just don't want to talk about it because it don't feel good.

SPEAKER_07 47:59

And you know, it's in the toxicity and the negative emotions of either being upset with somebody because they have not, you know, met our expectations or met the mark, or being upset with ourselves because we were just, you know, we just stayed in it far too long. Um, it does something to your insides. And particularly we, you know, in our culture, um, we're already battling so much genetically, uh, that we don't need to let that level of stress and self-destructiveness just erode our core.

SPEAKER_03 48:34

I just say, you know, moving forward, the only way I think that we can continue to be mature and have the I guess the exit strategy, so to say. And I know some people feel like I don't need the closure, I don't need the the talk, I don't need this, I'm just out. Me personally, I yeah. Yeah, but me personally, if you meant something to me, if I called you my friend, I feel like that last conversation, that closure is needed. Communication. Um, and that's just me. But I think if the friendship matters, don't be afraid to communicate, don't be afraid to to reach out, don't be afraid to just say I'm hurt.

SPEAKER_07 49:20

And don't expect the person to say, yeah, I did it. I was a terrible friend to you. Don't have no expectations, no expectations. None.

SPEAKER_03 49:30

I see we have uh another caller, yes, indeed. Hello, hello,

When Success Changes People Around You

SPEAKER_03 49:35

hello. Miss D D, Miss Dianni, do hey do more just yet. Can you hear me? Yes. Testing, testing, testing, testing. We hear you.

SPEAKER_02 49:58

Y'all can hear me. Okay. I said, what's up?

SPEAKER_03 50:01

Hi.

SPEAKER_02 50:02

What's up? Hey, and I said thank y'all for having this conversation. Um, I've obviously, you know, dealt with this. Um, uh a couple a couple of like things that I've learned as I've gotten older is um one to listen to the people that love you, um, you know, because they can see things that you can't see. You know, I know like um y'all y'all have known me since I was itty bitty. So yeah, you know, there may have been circumstances where you know you guys could see that somebody wasn't aligned with me, but I couldn't see it. And then, you know, I'm a knucklehead, I think that I know everything, or you know, I I'm I'm in my feelings at the time, but it turns out that what you guys were saying was actually right. So um, so that's one. And then um two, you know, as like I've grown and changed and my careers have changed, you know, I don't post much, so when people actually find out like who I've become and what I do, I I've I've like lost a lot of friends, you know, like their temperament has changed, their tone has changed. Um, or they you know, they just don't know how to communicate anymore, um, as if I'm the person who has changed or shifted. So just um just learn to be okay with that. And then I I think the biggest thing that maybe I was less prepared for was not really outgrowing friends, but outgrowing family.

SPEAKER_03 51:34

So girl, that's a whole nother topic. That's a whole nother topic. We can't even get on that tonight.

SPEAKER_07 51:43

Family is your friend, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

We can't get on that tonight, but we definitely got to to to look at every situation and be okay with friendships being seasonal connections and not all of them being lifelong connections. We definitely got to be okay with that. So thank you, Didi, for calling. Yeah, that's good. Thank you, Didi. Love you. Thank you. Love you guys, man. We're proud of you. Absolutely. So, you know how we normally

Dope Or Nope And Closing Advice

SPEAKER_03 52:15

play our little game. We play our little game dope or nope. So we had to play our little game tonight. And you know, this thinking about this topic, I'm like, man, history alone definitely can't sustain a relationship. And and growth will continue to expose who you are and who you are, and as you continue to change and evolve and mature, it's definitely gonna change friendships.

SPEAKER_07 52:46

Oh, yeah. And it's like a pruning, you know, it's just just watching, you know, I love plants, I love trees, I love all that. Um, no judgment, but I love it. Um but you know, I love to watch the trees and the plants grow, and and with that, you see the plants just kind of die when it gets colder. You know, and I remember December, January, February, I was kind of freaking out because I was like, oh my goodness, all the plants are dying. Are they gonna come back? You know, what's going on?

SPEAKER_03 53:19

But what do we have to do in order for them to come back, though?

SPEAKER_07 53:22

We had to take away those dead parts. We had to take away the dead parts, take away those dead parts, throw that out so that the plant and the tree could grow back good.

SPEAKER_03 53:35

You're right. That's a word. Did y'all catch that? We're about to hit it. Dope or nope. Outgrowing people or your friend group is a normal part of growth. Dope. I say the same. Dope or nope, staying loyal to people who no longer align with you.

SPEAKER_06 53:59

Nope.

SPEAKER_03 54:00

Uh that's a no for me as well. Dope or nope, cutting people off without explaining yourself.

SPEAKER_07 54:08

Uh, that's me. That's me. I don't want to answer this. You don't want to answer? I know what your answer is. I know it's not dope. I mean, it may be dope for you. Well, because because of this, I do not expect that person who has just been reckless with my emotions. Or reckless. You don't feel like you owe them anything. Reckless how they've shown up for me. I don't expect them in the closing conversation to fall on the sword and say, Yeah, I did do you wrong. Yeah, I wasn't, you know, showing up for you. So it's just like, why even have the conversation?

SPEAKER_03 54:43

Well, I have to, I have to get it out. I get you. I have to clear my conscience. It's dope for me. Dope or nope, keeping friends solely because of time or history.

SPEAKER_06 54:54

Nope.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

That's a nope for me. Dope or nope, friends expecting access to every version of you forever.

SPEAKER_06 55:04

Nope.

SPEAKER_03 55:05

That's a nope for me as well. So, man, we could talk on and on and on and on and on and on and on about outgrowing friends. But guys, we're going to continue to love on the people that are currently on our front row right now. We're going to continue to be a good friend. So we have to continue to show ourselves friendly. And only thing I can tell you is don't expect a you out of everybody else. And that's all I have for outgoing friends. It's been real. How about that? I enjoy that. I enjoyed it as well. And I love being live.

SPEAKER_07 55:45

We didn't, we didn't act up too bad, did we? No, no, no. And I just enjoy being real, you know. It's just, you know, you hit some touchy things, but at the end of the day, you know, is we're just trying to keep it 100 and we're all works in progress. And, you know, we're moving on. Life be life.

SPEAKER_03 56:05

Stay dope.