Hanging On By A Thread

Transcript

Hanging On By A Thin Thread

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Millison, have you ever been doing everything you supposed to do, but mentally you feel like you hanging on by a thin thread? We about to talk about it. I'm just gonna say.

SPEAKER_07 0:14

And dime middle.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

And we're the two double decks.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

The two double toxic.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

So thinking about it, why does it feel like we're hanging on by a thin thread? Like just talking about exhaustion, um, we're high functioning. We're doing everything that we're doing. We're getting it done. We're getting we're getting it done.

SPEAKER_07 0:59

But we're right, you know, we're right. Uh that we had that thin line of that breaking point. And I think that that's just because, you know, we've been socialized, particularly as people of color and also women, uh, to make sure that we keep everything going. Yeah you know, to care for our, care for everybody else, you know, uh do well at work, home life, you know, and the organizations that we participate in and that are. It's like a balance of that, suffering, some here, some here. Some piece here, a piece here, a piece here, and then you look up and there's not anything left for you. Man. And so I think that that has been the struggle of uh particularly black women for a very long time.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

I think we were raised that way. We were raised that that's what make you makes you strong. That's what you're doing. And that's where your value is. That's where your value lies.

SPEAKER_07 1:55

That's where your value lies. Yes. And the constantly, constant output. Constant, you know, take I take care of this, I take care of this, take this on the football, take this on to soccer, and show up for the basketball game. Show up for work, show up for work and be a team for the work.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

You know, my friend, show up for this organization. I'm the secretary over here, I'm the, I don't know, historian over here. Right. And it can be a lot.

SPEAKER_07 2:28

It's a lot. That's that's a heavy, that's a heavy burden.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

It's a lot. And then we feel like if we're not doing all the things, if we're not living performing well, then we could be looked upon as being selfish. Being selfish.

SPEAKER_07 2:45

Or being like, you know, for women in particular, you're not a good mom.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

You know, being lazy, being a failure.

SPEAKER_07 2:51

Yeah, yeah, you're not a good mom if you don't constantly, you know, doing this, this, this. Um, so I think uh, you know, again, to the point of a lot of it is tied into our values of what we have been taught make us valuable.

SPEAKER_05 3:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 3:08

And so we've got to undo some of that wiring because um I see a lot of women where it's the it's that silent killer. It's that silent killer of that highly accomplished woman or um, you know, the woman who's trying to get there, or man who's trying to get there, and they have, you know, a major medical event like aneurysm, stroke, heart attack.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

High blood pressure.

SPEAKER_07 3:34

High blood pressure, anxiety, anxiety.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

Yeah, it looks it looks different in everybody. Real talk. But real talk is that it's happening, it's occurring a lot. And especially in, I think what we're living in right now, the stakes are high. I mean, we're dealing with so much from you worried about, you know, some people are worried about how they're gonna pay for this, or even if they have a job. If they have a job, about to be laid off, but we're still functioning. We're still going, going, and going. We're like that that battery that just keeps going and going and going. And at some point, I think we

Overperformance And The Breaking Point

SPEAKER_02 4:20

have to say to ourselves or to our fellow um brother or sister that we see this happening to, it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to to throw the alarm ring the alarm, throw up the the white flag and say, Hey, I need help. And it's okay. Help could look, I mean, help may be different for everybody. For me, help may be come and help me fold up some of some of these clothes and put up some of this laundry. Like that's exhausting. And on top of that, you still gotta figure out what we're gonna eat for dinner. Then you still gotta figure out.

SPEAKER_06 5:01

And that can be stressful.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

That could be stressful. Then what am I gonna wear to work tomorrow? I gotta do this. It's like the list just keeps growing and growing and growing. Then we get up the very next day, the very next morning, and we do it all over again. All over again. And I remember um, shoot, it was a time in my life, I remember when uh Shemaya and Tatiana were smaller, and I was working, shoot, probably about three jobs. And you think about that, and then you still got to come home and you got to cook, and then somebody got practice, and then somebody got this, then you still got to help with homework, and not it, and you look up and you like, oh my God, it's 11 o'clock, and I still got other stuff to do, but everything, we think everything is getting done, but are we being truly effective?

SPEAKER_07 6:00

Yeah, and I think it comes, you know, it it comes at that cost. It comes at that cost of people have anxiety for a reason.

SPEAKER_03 6:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 6:10

You know, I was like, I remember, I remember my mom saying growing up that I I had anxiety from the womb. I mean, just like she would be upset about something, it would cause me to kind of ball up in her womb. And uh as a child, you know, seven, six, eight years old, nine years old anxiety, you know, um, into teenage years anxiety of just putting so much pressure, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

And that's what I was gonna say. One thing I know, especially with women, we are taught to be, you got to be high performers. And then when it comes, when it comes down to black women, uh we have to be better than everybody else because we were taught you already got You're the lowest on the totem pole. You're the lowest on the totem pole. You got two strikes against you already. So hey, you got to overperform, you got to overdo, you got to be the best, you got to be, and it's like, oh, that's a lot of pressure. Oh, yeah. That would give anybody anxiety, but yet here we are still breaking glass ceilings. We're still, you know, doing it all because But it's at a cost. But it comes at a cost. It comes at a cost.

SPEAKER_07 7:30

It comes at a cost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For my anxiety, the anxiety continued. And um then I remember like probably like 2017, 2018, I remember going into my doctor, and the doctor said, uh, Miss Daniels, I cannot let you leave out of this office today in good conscience without placing you on high blood pressure medicine. Uh, and that was that wake up.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 7:59

That was the wake-up call of something's gotta give here because I can't, you know, the thing about hypertension is it's that quiet, silent kick. You know, it it it it weighs down your organs, it overworks them.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 8:12

And um, that's just not good for your body. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Yeah, it's like there are so many things that we can do to continue to function um at a at a high level and be effective and still get all the things done. I think it's okay

Pausing Without Guilt

SPEAKER_02 8:30

to pause. Um, even if it may look like go take a walk. Uh it may look like I'm going to have coffee with a friend in the morning instead of jumping. Take your moment, whatever your moment whatever it looks like to you. Whatever it looks like to you, and it's okay. You're not letting anybody down, you're not failing anybody, you're not being a bad employee, a bad mom, a bad friend. It may be, you know what, today I'm going to turn my phone off. I don't want to hear from anybody today. I'm going to isolate myself and just kind of recoup, recover. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 9:09

So Yeah, and and I think that that that's that's very necessary. Uh, I know coming into this year, one of my um one of my goals for this year was to really practice mindfulness of trying to have these moments of I just want to enjoy the moment. I don't want to think about this deadline. I don't want to think about solving a problem. I don't want to discuss my work or think about my work. Um I just want a moment just to be. And that is something that that's a novel concept to me because I never heard of that. I never heard of mindfulness until really last year. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, well, what is that?

SPEAKER_02 10:01

That's why when I'm I'm traveling or doing anything, even if I'm not traveling, I can just be out and about. I do not want the conversation to be about work. Don't bring up work to me. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to talk about it. Like, I'm gonna look at you and probably be like, read the room, read this, because sometimes people just want to relax and they don't know how to say, I'm I'm relaxing right now. Yeah, I'm out with you, I'm laughing, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_06 10:33

Do a consultation at this restaurant.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Don't just see me having a dinner girl.

SPEAKER_07 10:38

Yeah, yeah, it's I need to talk to you.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

No, you don't. Not right now, not about that. Especially if it's a Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Call me Monday and we can talk. And I think people just need to be okay with saying not right now. Yeah, yeah, not right now. And no. Just no, that's all you need. No, period. That's it. So yeah, it's um that and that's part of that rewiring.

SPEAKER_07 11:16

You know, that's that that's that rewiring because you know, in our community, it takes, we're we're just a very I I love I love our culture. I do too. I love our culture. Love us. Um, but you know, we have to we have to do a better job with um with being courteous, yeah, you know, with reading the room.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 11:45

And expectation, you know, is I always say, if your doctor was at I like Cheesecake Factory. If your doctor was sitting at Cheesecake Factory, you know, and and you walk by, would you uh pull up a table or you know, pull up a chair and pull your doctor over and be like, hey, I need to talk to you about it? Probably. I mean, seriously. I just I I I think that there's something that said of, you know, particular, and it may not be particular occupations. It may be just, you know, female professional, and I don't have I treat you with a different level of respect than I treat this other person. Yeah. My doctor, Dr. Um Weinstein.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Or when people like call you, hey girl, I just called a check on you, but let me at, but let me ask you. So hold on. So did you really call to check in on me, or you call to check to see if I could do something for you? Because checking on me and checking to see if I could do something for you, it's two totally different things. So don't disguise this call with oh, you just ran across my mind. Really? What is it?

SPEAKER_07 13:08

So that goes into

Boundaries When People Feel Entitled

SPEAKER_07 13:10

boundaries. Yeah, and that's another thing for me. Again, part of my goals for this year of was setting healthy boundaries because I cannot be on uh you know 18 hours a day of in straight consultation mode or anything like that. You know, I even have situations where people where, you know, they call, they'll call the office and want to want to have I want to talk to the attorney. Well, you know, if you call law firm one, two, three, four, five, you're not gonna talk about that. You would never say that. You would never expect that. So why in this moment are you demanding with the receptionist that you have got to talk to me?

SPEAKER_01 14:02

Entitlement.

SPEAKER_07 14:03

You know, so entitlement. Yeah, but but that for me again is setting that healthy boundary of I just can't be on the phone like that eight, 10, 12 hours a day because I still have to do my work.

How Stress Shows Up In The Body

SPEAKER_02 14:16

So let me ask you this. What was like a big sign to you that when you knew or felt like life is stressing me out? Like, what what was it? Like, I know for me, I started having like, and I I think I'm probably one of the most healthiest, high energy person you could could ever meet. Um and I'm thankful, I'm grateful. But I noticed um shoot this year in particular, I started having just body pain. I'm like, what is going on? Like, that's not typical for me. Like, literally, my shoulder started bothering me. I felt like I couldn't reach a certain way. And so I I knew then, I said my body is trying to tell me maybe you need to relax, slow down, take it easy. And everybody carries stress differently and in different places. And for me, I carry my stress in my neck, in my shoulders. So that's where that body pain was coming from. So, what is it for you that signals, okay, I'm I'm stressing out, there's a problem.

SPEAKER_07 15:37

Uh, for me, it's those super, super early mornings. You know, I'm an early riser anyway, but when I'm going to bed at 12 and getting up at 2 o'clock, that means that's a red flag to me that there's something going on where it's like, you know, I'm troubled.

SPEAKER_03 15:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 15:56

And I can't sleep. So that that was definitely, yeah, restless, restless, restless. That was an indicator for me. And then I kept hearing myself saying, but I need something for me. You know, I just need, I just need this one thing for me. I need this moment. It's kind of like uh, well, you've been swimming and you seen the swimmers. Uh, I know you can't swim, but just stay with me. Just stay with me.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

I'm pretending like I can swim. I'm backstroking.

SPEAKER_07 16:28

Think about those Olympic swimmers in the pool, and then they come up for a little air and then they go back. I just needed that, you know, of that just that little moment just to take that breath, just for me.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 16:41

Just for me.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

That's me. 12 1, 2 o'clock in the morning while everybody asleep. You watch, the house is quiet, um, phones are not ringing, like everything is just so peaceful and still. That's my me time. That's my I'm regrouping. And I know everybody's like, oh my God, you stay up so late. But it's so, it's so restful for me. And I know that probably doesn't make any type of sense at all. How staying up late could be so restful, but for me, it is. It's it's so rejuvenating.

SPEAKER_07 17:16

Yeah, it's that moment that the house is still.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

Yeah, I don't have to worry about nobody asking me anything, not worrying about having to do anything. It's just it's just peace. It's still.

SPEAKER_07 17:28

Um Yeah, I'm trying to reclaim some of that time and get that that just little that little nugget uh because it can go a long way.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Yeah.

Looking Fine While Falling Apart

SPEAKER_02 17:37

I know we talk about um, you know, you see people and you you just don't know how or what people are going through. It's like the looking fine versus feeling fine. And so we see a lot of people, they look good on the outside, but on the inside, we don't know what could be going on. And I hate when people say, Well, girl, I just saw him yesterday and he looked good. So you looked inside his soul, you looked inside his mind, you looked inside his heart, like what? Because just because his hair was cut or he had on a nice outfit, nothing. Yeah, that doesn't mean anything.

SPEAKER_06 18:17

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

People literally can like. Be struggling. Be struggling, be right down the edge. But you see them, shoot. I've worked with alcoholics. Didn't even know that they were alcoholics. But because they were so high functioning, you wouldn't have never known, but for one, that one day that something cracked, something went to the left, and they weren't able to hold it all together that one time. And then you think back and you think about it like, well, dang, how long has this person been right there on the edge? Been right there on the very edge. It reminds me of this movie. I don't know if you've ever uh seen this movie before. It's called Unhinged.

SPEAKER_07 19:04

I think so.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

I think so. For those of you that have never. Is that the word Halleberry? No, no, no, no. Halleberry is not in Unhinged.

SPEAKER_07 19:12

And the people chasing her the whole movie.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

No, that's not. No, that's not unhinged.

SPEAKER_07 19:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

I can't think of the name of that one, but it's not unhinged. Okay, okay. This movie is, oh my God, I can't remember who stars in it. But anyway, this guy, um, he's having like a bad day. Bad day. A lady literally just blew the horn at him.

SPEAKER_07 19:35

And he flips out and traps. The rest of the movie, the next two hours and dedicated flips out.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Or what about uh the movie Beef?

SPEAKER_04 19:47

Oh, yeah. Same thing.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

It reminds me of Unhinged. Like, that's really what people be going through. That's what I be thinking about. When so I'm thinking about this when somebody is like sitting at the red light and the red light is turned green, and you decide to blow that horn. Yeah, you don't know.

SPEAKER_07 20:06

Baby, be careful. Baby, be careful. Because people write on the idiot.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Listen, I could be Shantae in one moment.

SPEAKER_07 20:13

Yeah, a life or death experience.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Praise in.

unknown 20:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Because you don't know what type of people are.

SPEAKER_07 20:26

You know what people are, yeah. And so that's how you have to be careful how you handle people. Some losses change your life and should never be ignored. If your family lost someone because of negligence, I'll stand on business for you. This is my city. I fight for my people. I am your attorney. Scan below, save the number, and if ever in need,

Checking On People The Right Way

SPEAKER_07 20:45

call. I know one of the things that I have now grown to practice is, you know, if I'm concerned about somebody and where they're kind of showing is, I'll ask, hey, you know, you okay? How's your spirit? Yeah. You know, because it's different. That that is a different conversation than how are you doing? How are you feeling? That's a different. So to me, leading with that is they're they're already kind of like, oh, you know, and a little bit maybe more open to a conversation about how they're really feeling.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Pay attention. Pay attention to your friends, pay attention to your coworkers, people that you're around often, if they're doing something that is just totally, totally out of the norm for them, nine times out of ten, they're going through something. Uh it's only for so long that a strong person can be strong. Even the strongest person at some point is going to break. And I consider myself to be pretty much a strong person. And I've had Yeah, you superwoman. I'm not just super. But I've even had my, you know, moment where I'm like, I'm weak. I can't be strong anymore. It's taking too much energy to be strong.

SPEAKER_06 22:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

So you gotta pay attention. If you're around somebody and they're, I don't know, maybe they're overly happy, overly excited, overly, you know, just.

SPEAKER_07 22:29

Is it a guy's? Yeah. What are they? What are they trying to do?

SPEAKER_02 22:31

It's a mask. What are they trying to hide? What are they trying to cover up? What are they trying to ignore? It's something. Because do you know the amount of energy that it takes to go overboard or being happy, go overboard or smiling, overboard and being excited? They're trying to hide something.

Therapy And Choosing Qualified Help

SPEAKER_07 22:53

Right. So I think that this is really good conversation because this is about self-awareness of us being more aware of taking care of ourselves as a whole person.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 23:05

You know, mind, body, and spirit, uh, because they all have to be aligned.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 23:10

Um then also, you know, making sure being present for those that we care about and being mindful and observant about whatever they're going through and trying to open up some conversation. I think also within that, we have to uh be present enough and even forward enough of recommending therapy and counseling for people. And what, you know, I I was scrolling through uh Instagram a couple of days ago, and I ran uh across an article and it was talking about, you know, they have this all this stuff going on with Dr. Cheyenne Bryant, and I don't know too much about her, so I'm not gonna speak on that.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

But you called her a doctor, Cheyenne Bryant?

SPEAKER_07 23:54

Oh well, I know that that's the but there was there was this fantastic article about blacks, uh people of color in uh the mental health world. So who is supposed to be called a doctor? You know, uh those who have, you know, an MD or um, you know, the psychologists and the the psychiatrists. Psychiatrists, that's the person who diet can diet. Can that can't can give medicine, prescribe medicine, you know, psychologists, things of that nature. And then it then it started charting out uh credentials for life coaches and counselors and mental health therapists. So I am just one to, you know, I believe that God gives everyone giftings, but I think that we also have to be very, very careful and mindful to make sure that when we are, when we recognize things within ourselves and we want to talk it out of going to someone who has the appropriate training uh to be able to really assist us in getting us to the next place.

SPEAKER_04 25:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

You know, and the credentials are important because you can have somebody who's just telling you something and you know, is just I mean, a lot of times people may say, you know, I I want to go to this person because I trust this person. This person knows me very well, this person wouldn't direct me, you know, down the wrong path. That may not necessarily be a psychologist, a psychiatrist. That may be your homeboy, your homegirl, that may be, I don't know, your one of your favorite relatives that you looked up to, or you have seen them go through something and survive it. And you're like, this is the best person because of experience that I will listen to. And so, I mean, I just honestly think when it comes to advice, you have to really go with your gut and who you feel like you trust and who you feel like you can um confide in. I'm not against therapy at all, whatsoever, with the trained professional. Um, but I just think it's different strokes for different folks. And we want people to get something. So wherever they have to get it from, you know, take the step.

Survival Mode And Generational Lessons

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Just take the step because being in survival mode is not normal. And we have made survival mode the new norm.

SPEAKER_07 26:38

And I think the dangerous thing in it is you have little people who are looking up to you. Like, yeah, you know, our all of our upbringing created, you know, these super women that just constantly give, give, give, give, give, give, give. Because the value is in the giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. Um, and we have children, grandchildren, godchildren, uh mentees, uh, that are looking up to us. And just because we did it that way doesn't mean that it was the right thing to do.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

Baby, this new generation, you don't have to worry about that.

SPEAKER_07 27:16

I know, because they're all about their mental health.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

My mental health. Listen, I need to take a mental health break. They will they believe in self-care too, and there are some things that I love about them, and there are some things I'm like, uh. They they need to be a little, you know, tougher. They're not built like we're built. But also I feel like vice versa, there's some things that I feel like we can learn from them as well. Um, when you see them around here high functioning and they're performing well, nine times out of ten, a lot of them are truly okay. I think we're the generation that I'm okay really means I'm not okay. Somebody help me. Help me right now. We're screaming for help, but in silence. Throwing out throwing out the lifeline. We're we're definitely that generation. Um, how do you know? I guess things that we need to pay attention to when we feel like somebody is struggling.

Signs Someone Is Not Doing Well

SPEAKER_07 28:25

So I think some of the very common care uh factors uh and are things that you can really readily observe. You know, people change their grooming. Oh, you know, depressed people, it's very common that they stop uh, you know, showering and hygiene things, uh, their hygiene goes poor.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

Um so uh yeah, I remember when you went through that episode and um and it was so crazy because it wasn't until the day that you brought it up to me that it hit me, and I was like, Yeah, because it hit me. That is so funny. I'm serious, literally that day that you brought it up, and you was like, Now, wait a minute. When the last time you showered, and the the fact that I had to stand there and think about it, I was like, oh my goodness. Like I was really going through it to the point where I hadn't showered in days, but just going through the motions of like, I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta get this done, I gotta get this done, this is this isn't done.

SPEAKER_07 29:43

It never and I knew that that was, yeah. I knew that that was uh incredibly difficult time uh in in our life.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 29:54

And and I knew I knew what triggered it. Uh, but you know, it's a game being present enough and observant enough.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

I mean, to to know you didn't have to be a two observer, you know.

SPEAKER_07 30:07

Yeah, yeah. That was so that that's one of the things, you know, changes of behavior, changes of behavior that person who is, you know, this extrovert and joys hanging out and things like that, and now they don't want to leave the house.

SPEAKER_03 30:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 30:23

You know, or they always sleeping. Um, and I'm not talking about sleep and you know, nap time and stuff like that. Okay, cool. If you could do that, that's great. I think that that's something that's that's good for the body medically. Uh, but that person who's constantly, you know, 8 a.m. comes around, 7 a.m. come around, and they snoozing, snoozing, snoozing, there's something going on. You know, I that's definitely worthy of conversation. That person that pulls back from interaction, yeah, you know, from their friends or their family, uh, there's definitely something going on. So I think those are definitely some indications.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

That will get up. They're just they're just drained. Because what we have to realize is that being emotionally drained, being mentally drained, it's to me that's worse than being physically drained. I feel like you can recover quickly when you're physically drained, but when you're emotionally or mentally drained, it takes everything out of you as well. Yeah, that's a different kind of reset. That's a different kind of recharge. Yeah. Yeah, you need the you need the 60 watt for that one.

unknown 31:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

Facts, facts, facts. And you know, and when we see people like this, we can't, we got to stop saying, oh, they lazy, they lazy. It could be just mental exhaustion, it could be emotional exhaustion, it could be depression, it could be so many things that we're ignoring because we're just gonna chop it up to, oh, they're lazy.

SPEAKER_07 31:54

And and for women, it can be hormonal, you know, is it could be, you know, some paramenopause, early menopause, uh, maybe something that you need to go ahead and get your hormones I don't know anything about, but you know, but you know what I'm saying, of of you know, making sure that that is balanced because there could be something there that's triggering it.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

True. Well, high functioning, but we still doing it all, but we still gotta check on our people and we got to do better.

SPEAKER_07 32:28

And you're your best thing is we're you the bird thing. We gotta love ourselves the most. You the miracle. Because if I don't love me, I can't show up for you.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

Yeah, that's true. You ready to play our game?

Dope Or Nope Stress Habits

SPEAKER_02 32:42

Let's go. Dope or nope. Dope or nope, calling out of work for mental exhaustion. Dope.

SPEAKER_07 32:53

I'm calling in my you ain't got no day. Ain't no PTO.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

I say it's dope. You need a second. Dope or nope, ghosting everybody when life gets overwhelming.

SPEAKER_07 33:12

Uh, I don't think, I think it's it's a nope. I think it's a nope. And you know, I think that people do they do whatever they feel like they have to do or they have the capacity to do. So, you know, I hate to kind of cast dispersion on that person because a lot of times they're just doing it because they don't have nothing else.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

I wouldn't say ghosting everybody, but you you may have some people that are really draining you that you want to kind of isolate yourself from. You're right, you're right, because I'm kind of done on that one.

SPEAKER_07 33:47

You're right, because there's some people who uh when my phone rings, I'll be like, I don't even have the energy. I don't have the energy. I do not have the energy to do this today.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

Dope or nope, pretending you're okay because people rely on you.

SPEAKER_07 34:02

Nope.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

No, no, no, no. Dope or nope, crying in your car before going inside.

SPEAKER_07 34:13

That's a tricky, that's a very tricky question because the way I was raised is you don't cry in front of people. Um I see in a professional environment, that can be that can that can be problematic. You you go into your workplace and haul off and start crying.

SPEAKER_02 34:37

That could be a problem. So if you're crying in your car, get it out of your car, right?

SPEAKER_07 34:44

Wipe away the tears. At least you I commend you because you got it out.

SPEAKER_03 34:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 34:49

But now we gotta go in, get this done.

SPEAKER_02 34:53

It's like you gotta put on a face again. Mask. I'm happy. Hey, I'm here. Good morning, everybody.

SPEAKER_07 35:00

We code switch all day.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

So, where are we with that one? Dope or nope? Crying in your car before going inside.

SPEAKER_07 35:10

If it's gonna be crying in your car versus going into your workplace and crying in front of all them people, well, you could be crying your car.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

You could be going home, but you don't want your family to see you cry. You got to be strong for them. So you cry in your car so they don't see you crying.

SPEAKER_07 35:27

And that's tricky, you know, because it's very tricky. Because if you sitting up crying in front of your family, that can stress your kids out, you know, of like something. But then if you're hiding it and it's just building up inside, so I'm gonna put it like this cry in front of the therapist.

SPEAKER_02 35:49

Dope or no, being emotionally drained, but still showing up for others. I'm going to say we do it because we have to do it. I don't know if that's the right thing to do. But I don't know if it's necessarily the healthy thing for us to continue to do.

SPEAKER_07 36:13

How we say you can't pour from an empty tank? Yeah. That sounds like some pouring from an empty tank.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 36:18

And you're gonna crash out in front of the people.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

One day.

SPEAKER_07 36:21

Yeah, you're gonna crash out serving food after church.

SPEAKER_02 36:27

Dope a note, using humor to hide stress. I say no because you're still hiding. It's falling. Yeah. Um, dope a note, keeping your struggles private. And that's something, that's how we were raised. Uh, what goes on in my house stays in my house. So we were taught at a very young age is that you don't put certain stuff out there. If you didn't eat last night, you don't go and tell somebody that's right. I when I tell you that was one of my grandmother's pet peeves. You did not go to somebody's house or go around other people with her. Even if they offered you food and said, Hey, you want something? You better say no. I don't care how much you want it. No, no, thank you. No, I'm fine. I'm okay. I don't want any. Inside you, like, damn, they look good.

SPEAKER_06 37:29

You look around and see how clean their house is. And then that determines your ass on it.

SPEAKER_07 37:36

That definitely determines your ass up.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

Dope. Oh, I'm sorry. That was the last dope or no. So that was fun.

Redefining Strength And Closing

SPEAKER_02 37:47

So being strong too long, we get it. It can cause major exhaustion, but we're still some type of way showing up, high energy, performing well, yet inside we're falling apart daily, and we can't continue to go on like that. So things that we have to do moving forward to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves and not falling apart, one for me would be I'm not ashamed now to say that I ask for help. I ring the alarm and, like, hey, you know, I'm doing this, this, and this.

SPEAKER_06 38:26

They gave me a word a couple hours ago about what you weren't doing.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

Listen, like, hey, I need some help here. Um, and I'm big on relaxing. Uh, I'm I'm gonna take a break. That usually just wasn't part of my vocabulary. Now it is. I I enjoy the breaks. I need the breaks. Um, I think something else we have to do is communicate, talk to somebody to know that we're not in it alone and we don't have to carry everything alone.

SPEAKER_07 39:02

That's I like that. Yeah, yeah, I like that for me is unapologetically taking my moment as a moment of self-preservation because it is a matter of life or death.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 39:19

So unapologetic about it, I need me a moment like the swimmer, and then I can go back in.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Yeah. And I think um we all need to redefine what strength is. We were raised and we were taught that, you know, you stay strong. Like you just mentioned a second ago, you don't cry, you don't show any emotions. I mean, we have so many probably definitions or different examples that we were given as youth of this is what strength looks like. Of you put on a happy face, you don't, you know, we were always told you nobody should know what you're going through. You shouldn't look like what you're going through. So we have literally been given like this full definition of strength that we don't have to continue to carry that on. We can redefine that.

SPEAKER_07 40:12

Of having the courage to say, I'm not okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:13

Of having the courage to say, hey, I'm not okay. Instead of crying out there in my car, I'm gonna blow the horn and be like, hey, somebody come over here and help me. I'm having a moment, I'm breaking down. You know, it's don't don't be ashamed, don't be afraid. So we love you all out there, and we want you to stay strong and be healthy, take the mask off, get some rest, ask for help. We got you. Stay dope.