Truth Without Losing Access

Somebody in your life needs the real you. The question is whether they can handle the real truth. We start with a line that cuts straight through the noise: who in your life can tell you the truth without losing access to you? Because for a lot of us, honesty gets “punished” through distance, silent treatment, or being cut off entirely, and that fear keeps relationships stuck at the surface. 

We talk about how to qualify a relationship before you step into a hard conversation, and why “keep it 100” often turns into “keep it comfortable.” From friendships to marriage, parenting to workplace leadership, the same themes show up: accountability triggers pride, feedback gets confused with shame, and people get defensive before they ever listen. We share real stories of honesty going wrong, then break down what actually helps feedback get received: respect, tone, timing, and correcting privately in a way that preserves dignity. 

The conversation also goes deeper into why some people are not correctable, how old wounds and emotional triggers can hijack listening, and how families can enable harmful behavior by choosing short-term peace over long-term growth. We draw a sharp line between correction that supports growth and control that demands compliance, and we name the hidden damage of silence as punishment, especially for kids and young adults learning whether their voice matters. 

We close with a rapid-fire “Dope or Nope” that puts these ideas to the test, plus a challenge to notice the rare people who tell you the truth when there’s nothing in it for them. If this hits home, subscribe, share it with someone you trust, and leave a review so more people can find conversations that make relationships healthier.

Transcript

Who Can Tell You The Truth

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Who in your life can tell you the truth without losing access to you? Right. And when we think about that, losing access to you, you may say, why would they lose access? It's punishment. It's punishment.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

Because people don't want. They feel some type of way.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Do those days just now. Let us not let you feel. Let us not get fields. Let us not do it over there.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

As soon as, you know, you can kick it.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

We go out to eat. You know, we go out to the movies. Um, we do all these fun things together, but you know, at the moment that um, you know, something happens and it's kind of like, okay, well, do I I know that this is a growing friendship, maybe I should go ahead and say something because, you know, I want to kind of let the note the person know where I stand or offer some feedback on a situation that I think that could have been handled a little bit better. Yeah. Um, and I think it really all boils down to uh the nature of your relationship with that friend, family member, or whoever, of if they respect you, if they trust you. But I also think that there are relationships where ultimately, you know, the person really doesn't want feedback. They really, I mean, it sounds like they don't want honesty. You know, it's kind of like when we say, uh people used to say, I just want you to keep it 100. And if you keep it 100, then it's all this view.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

You don't want it 100, you want it one. Because the moment I start to become honest, hold you accountable, light, you know, some fire under your feet, you feel some type of way. And that's why people lose access to people because they are rather stop talking to you and stop dealing with you than to grow. Because now I'm offended that you even said something or that you even brought it up. So the best way for me to deal with it is just going by my business and not even talk to you.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

Yeah.

When Honesty Gets Punished

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

So, you know, that losing access to somebody, I guess that's something you have to process and think about before you decide to go to your loved one and say, hey, I really need to have this candid, transparent conversation with you.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

So it really is qualifying the relationship of, and what I mean by that is, is this relationship meaningful enough to me for me to have this moment? Or is it just like, you know what? They are who they are, he is, who he is, she is, who she is. I'm just, you know.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

But if you say that.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

This is just my going to the movies partner. I know.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

But if you say that though, is it, is the relationship even worth it? Because you just said, is this person, I guess, important enough to me, or do I love this person enough? To me, if you're not around somebody that you love enough or feel like they're important enough to want to have that conversation with them, like I don't feel like you should probably be somebody that I should be around. I mean, and that's just me. Like, I for me, it's always quality over quantity. Yeah. So I don't want to be this person and be like, oh, yeah, I got 20, 30 friends, and really, I really enjoy and can really only be honest and have candid conversations, and I'm only growing around just maybe one or two people.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

But you're in that point of life where that is important to you. I am. I'm a little, I got a little salt and pepper on me. Yeah, yeah, you got a little life on you. Uh but were you always that person?

SPEAKER_01 4:12

I I would say I've always been a very straightforward person. I've always been a straight shooter. Um, but no, I wasn't always the person. There you go. Like, no, I don't want to be around that person.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

There you go. And so that's what I'm saying is to thine own self be true, is you have to look within yourself and say, is this relationship really that important for

Choosing Quality Over Crowd

SPEAKER_02 4:37

me?

SPEAKER_01 4:37

But I remember um knowing someone and I thought we were cool, and it was something that other people were saying. Um, and I wanted the person to know, not because, oh girl, these people are talking about you. I just came to her as a friend. And I thought we had an honest conversation, and it did not go well. Um, to this day, we're still not cool. And I realized that everybody says, and we always had this relationship, like, girl, just be real with me, just be honest with me. And the day that I came and I was honest with you, a whole problem. And I realized that honesty means that, yeah, I want people to be um, I want honest people around me, as long as the honesty is not directed at me.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

There you go. There you go. Because that makes sense. There you go. Yeah. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

So I don't know. I guess that's why this topic is so important because it it resonates throughout generations. It resonates through parenting,

When Being Real Ends Friendships

SPEAKER_01 5:45

through friendships, through marriages. I mean, even people that you work with. I mean, it's one of those.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Listen, is is you can, I had a conversation um recently, and I knew the conversation was not gonna be well received. Um, but I needed to have that conversation for me to, you know, really be transparent about, you know, a situation that I just didn't appreciate how it went down. Now, you know, again, typically I I've never really heard somebody say, Oh, yeah, I take full responsibility for this. You know, yeah, I dogged you out, I did this, I said this, you know, people don't do that, but at least people I don't do that. But I needed to have that conversation for me. And um, once I had it for me, it was just like, okay, cool, I'm good.

Leadership Requires Day One Truth

SPEAKER_01 6:46

I mean, even in leadership, um, I never forget uh when I was an assistant principal, and you know, you have to do evaluations and that kind of stuff. Me a year, end of the year with the teachers. And I had this one teacher. Um, she said, You were the first AP that I've had that was just real with me. She said usually they would come to her classroom and you know, give her like these shining reviews of oh, everything was perfect, the kids are so well behaved, and you know, you were teaching on standard, blah, blah, blah. And then in the end, it's like, well, you really could work on this, or you could work on this. And of course, people are upset because it's like you've had plenty of opportunity to tell me this, but you never did, and why wait until now?

SPEAKER_04 7:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

And I guess I always came from the standpoint of be honest with people from day one. I can't expect for you to learn or to grow if I'm not giving you the real deal, if I'm not telling you the truth. So, how can a person grow if I've been thinking all along, oh yeah, everything's good. You know, I'm I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, everything is all right. And then all of a sudden, it's just like being, so this is leadership side, but it's also just like being in a relationship with somebody. You don't say anything and then you expect for them to change, and then you expect for them to change. Well, they may not even know that you're offended that you're offended by or what you're doing is an issue because you've never said anything, you've never held them accountable, you've never even offered any type of correction.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

So, how how can that person move?

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Yeah, yeah. And I I think that you raise a very, very valid point, you know, but again, it's kind of like relationships that you really value of wanting to wanting to really give that feedback in such a way, because I I really do feel like that there's a way that feedback can be given where it may not necessarily feel the best in the moment, but at least it can be received and you hope and you pray that you know that person or those people go back and just kind of, you know, quietly think about it.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

I don't know. I think whenever you're approaching uh a conversation where you're getting ready to correct somebody or hold them accountable or make them responsible for something, the conversation is gonna always be uncomfortable because you're going into a situation where it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good, and the person is not getting ready to hear what they want to hear. Everybody always wants the hand claps, the praise, oh, everything is great, oh, everything is wonderful. It's always uncomfortable when you're going into a situation and saying, This don't, you know, this is not cutting it. Right. You're gonna have to do, you know, some things a little bit better. So, you know, and then what happens is typically people become very what? Defensive.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Oh yeah. Now, and I mean you and I have had Oh yeah, I'm I'm I'm I'm miss defense now.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Oh, baby, you're going to defense mode quickly. Listen. But when you in defense mode, are you really hearing what the person is saying? How can you grow

Defensiveness And Old Wounds

SPEAKER_01 10:18

from it?

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Yeah, so for me, it triggers, you know, it triggers some other things and emotions that for me at 48 years old, you know, I I think of little Millie, you know, that eight-year-old, that nine-year-old, that little stutterer with the big teeth, you know. The stutterer with the big teeth. With the big teeth. I know, right? Um, and the times where things were said to me that were hurtful and I didn't defend myself. And so it's like when you're about to start fixing your mouth to say something critical is you already like feel it, and it's like, and it just triggers that of defense, and I go back to this mode of the person who couldn't defend herself, but it's kind of really messed up. You know, it's like my wire thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

So you didn't hear anything the person said.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Straight flashback, straight flashback.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

You didn't hear anything they said because the whole time you're focusing on, okay, they're getting ready to say something all right, they're getting ready to make me feel uncomfortable. It's an emotional response. Now I'm preparing for my rebuttal instead of listening to what they're saying. Right. You're already in defense mode. Oh, I know. And I feel like, I don't know, I feel like growth starts where defensiveness ends.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

So Well, you have to, so so for me, I had to number one, and this was after, you know, around one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, with you. And I and eventually I realized what I was doing. And so I accepted the fact that my response was really not appropriate for the situation. And my response, you know, people use that word triggering, and I think a lot of times it's not really used right, but in this situation, for real, for real, is the whole thing just kind of triggered something in a feeling of inadequacy of bullying or hurt feelings from you know childhood. And I immediately went into now I'm better able to defend myself. Um, so I had to accept what I was doing.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

But now you're a little bit older. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So now you're you're still listening with, I guess I could say, ego. And so your ego hears attack, attack, attack, attack. But now we're at the stage and at the level where your maturity should hear this is opportunity.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

That's what I'm saying. So I had to unpack it. Right. That's what I'm saying. I'm getting to it. I had to unpack that where I realized what I was doing, and I realized that my response was not even an appropriate response. Um and then I was able to, you know, get to a better point of, okay, Millicent, just hear what she has to say because this is my spouse who I completely respect, my best friend. I know you're not just saying something to be critical. You're saying something really because you're observing a moment of growth.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

So do so, can you say, do you hate correction?

Feedback That Preserves Dignity

SPEAKER_02 13:59

No, I don't. I and see, I don't like to say correction. You know, I'm I'm I'm kind of a words person. It's just a moment of growth. And let's talk about, let's kind of unpack that of I mean it can only be a moment of growth if you allow it to be a moment of growth. Um Correction just sounds so punitive and it sounds so like, you know, like a parent to a child, a little itty-bitty child, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Uh, but I mean, and I think a feedback, a moment of feedback. A moment of feedback. This is my observation. But I think people do not like correction because correction makes them feel, it's not the cor the correction, it's how it makes them feel. Like you just said, just the word correction. Don't even use the C word.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Don't, don't, don't even use the C word. Let's just call the feedback. Because you know what, correction is is is dripping with rightness and wrongness. Right? Okay. So with that, you're gonna be either on one side or the other, either you're gonna be on the side of what you consider to be right and what you consider to be wrong. So feedback is a mere observation. It's a mere observation of something where let's unpack it, let's play this out in this way, and let's play this out in this way, and let's play this out in this way. Because we could have gotten a better result if the situation would have been played out in a different way. I mean, in the spirit of love.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

I mean, but some things I think everybody's approach is different. You're right. Um, and I think a lot of times, correction, people don't like it because it's dripping with shame. It triggers that. Like you mentioned a few moments ago, I was gonna try and then about people use the word triggering, and sometimes they're not even triggered, or maybe they just don't know the right word to use. But that's what this brings about. Even trying to hold somebody accountable, it triggers shame, it triggers defensiveness or humiliation, it triggers humiliation, especially when people do it.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

And so that's I think I think there are a couple of things.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Well, you know what really gets us? The pride. No pun intended. Oh, yeah, yeah. The pride. But your ego, your pride is attached.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

So it's number one, the content. Okay. Is the content of what you have observed that you want to share. And then I think secondly, it's the delivery, you know, of your side.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

With some people though, your delivery still could be very clear.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

You could be the most the most soothing voice.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

And it's still, they're still gonna flip out on it.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Yeah, because it's not something they're gonna do. It's not something they want to hear. They do not want to hear it.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Um but the only reason why I wanted to mention delivery is this. I I think that I've been in spaces where things have been done in front of me where I was just like, you know, this is an opportunity of when I have an opportunity to talk to this person one-on-one. I just kind of want to talk to them a little bit more about what happened and offer my observations and then some feedback on that. Um, you know, if if if they will allow. But situations where you had a whole crowd and somebody just wanted to give it to you in front of people, I think that's always gonna go down bad.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Well, that's the difference. Everybody that's trying to correct you doesn't necessarily love you. That's that's the thing. If somebody is trying to do that or kind of trying to shame you or say it loud in a crowd or whatever, they're not doing it for a purpose of constructive criticism, trying to help you grow. They're doing it to humiliate you, they're doing it to shame you, they're trying to crush your pride. But not everyone that loves you is trying to offer correction. Some people are just doing it to be doing it. Right. So, yeah, I mean, I think, but everyone who loves you, I think wants to see you grow, want to see you better. Um, they're thinking about not necessarily your present, but they're also control, yeah, they're concerned about your future, which is why they feel um obligated, I guess you could say, to want to say something to you. Right. And I think, I think that's the difference. I think if I love you, I should be willing to want to correct you, to give you that constructive criticism because I want to see you better. Absolutely. I mean, it's like a it's like having a mentor almost. If I'm truly your mentor and I know you're trying to learn something that you really, really love, that you really enjoy, why would I sit there and watch you do it the wrong way when I have the tools and the experience, everything to teach you how to do it the right way.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

So let me ask you this. So this is interesting. Oh Lord. Yes. Every time you say that, I'd be like, oh Lord. Yeah, I know, right? So in situations, you know, we think about this peer-to-peer. Homegirl or homegirl, homeboy, or homeboy, you know, we think about it in terms of parent to child. Uh, but what about in scenarios where, you know, child, maybe adult child to a parent is how do you handle that type of, because I know, I know there could be circumstances and situations of I'm the mama, I'm the daddy, you don't tell me nothing. You know, but it's like you should still have ownership for how that behavior made you feel.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

I think it's like what you said earlier. It's um, it's how it's the tone, it's how you say it, it's how you present it. I also think you always gotta lead with love. If that person, I've even heard somebody say, you know, I don't take constructive criticism, I don't want to hear nothing from this person because I just downright don't respect this person. So I don't want to hear anything from them. So that person honestly could be telling you something that's worth listening to and worth valuing, but because you have lack of respect for that person, you don't even want to hear it. So I think, too, with approaching even the adult child, that respect has to be there as well.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

I mean, you know, that's just me.

Enablers Versus Growth Focused Love

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Um, but I typically what I do know about people that run from any type of correction or constructive criticism, they tend to surround themselves around the same group of people. I mean, pay pay attention to it. People like that, their friends are like, I hate to say it, bobbleheads. They're they're the friends that's going to, you know, agree. Yes men. Yeah, they they surround themselves by by yes men. Or they're around family members that enable them.

SPEAKER_02 21:35

Codependent.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

Codependent. We see that a lot. Um, even their their partners avoid confrontations.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

You know, I I I when in my practice, my law practice, um I remember seeing something like in uh particularly like the the criminal practice of trying to. Defend folks. And uh the times that I would talk to you know, the mamas and the aunties and the grandmas about something that was going on with this young man trying to defend him in a situation, one of the things that I kept seeing was enabling and codependency. And now that 23-year-old, 24-year-old, 30-year-old is in my office with his grandma, his auntie, his mama, his sister. The gone left. And but within talking to them about the situation and hearing their feedback, I was able to kind of quickly conclude that this started way back. This started way back when this young man was five years old and six years old, and just allowed to do whatever he wanted to do. You know, perhaps because there wasn't wanna make him mad. Because they didn't want to make him mad, and they didn't want to hurt his feelings. And then the teachers were wrong, and they're picking on him.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

And then he's in, I'm pretty sure he's the victim.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Then the coach is bothering him, and he knows that he's a star. He's going to the NFL MBA, but they just doing him wrong. And then that baby mama, if she just dogs him out, I don't know why she put him on child support. Is that was just wrong. And it's a whole litany. It's a whole life of, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:45

And but do we know sometimes as the aunts, the moms, the sisters, um, you know, even the brothers, the uncles in that situation, because maybe they experienced criticism and it wasn't healthy. And so now here I come and we got little Junjan. Let's just call him Junjan today. Uh, Lil Ray Ray. And we have Lil Ray Ray, and we don't want Lil Ray Ray, Lil Junjan, Lil' Man feeling how we felt when we were his age of everybody that was coming at us, we felt like they were criticizing, criticizing, or we felt like they were trying to control us because people don't know what it looks like. They don't know the difference. Control looks like wanting somebody to comply. Correction means you want somebody to grow. So there's a difference. Correction is you're you're focusing on growth. Uh, control, you're focusing on compliance. So when they're dealing with Lil Ray Ray, Lil Junjon, uh, whatever his name is, they're thinking back to when it didn't feel that way for them. Because let's let's be real, everybody that gives us advice or try to correct us, it's not healthy. And it didn't make us feel good for several reasons. Because it didn't sound like, hey, I love you and I want the best for you. So let me help you, let me guide you. And if I don't know what I'm doing, I will seek help and we will bring help in to continue to advise you to make sure you're going down the right path. Instead, it probably sounded totally different to him. So we have to make sure that when we're doing this correction, that it doesn't sound like you're beating somebody, you know, against the head. It has to be loving. Um, if it's truly correction. Right. The word, the word that you don't like. Um, because then it'll start sounding to their head, do what it is I want you to do, or I'm gonna punish you. And we know how that feels. We know how it feels to when we don't comply, we feel like we're being punished.

SPEAKER_02 26:04

Oh, yes, indeed. But on the flip side is, you know, particularly with children, young adults, is my observation is that what you did didn't yield the results that you wanted. And I think that this is a better way to do it because otherwise life is gonna get you, you know, is you got one or two opportunities to learn the lesson and turn this thing around. Otherwise, it's gonna keep coming back around to you.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

So, what if you're sitting there and you're talking to, let's say, sad family, and they're still having this uh these same excuses for John John, Ray Ray, whomever. Maybe you should ask them, what do you think or how do you think it's gonna feel five years from now, ten years from now, when he's literally still stuck in this same place.

SPEAKER_02 27:04

Just go ahead and put me on retainer because you're gonna be little John John Ray Ray. You're gonna be coming back. Spokey is gonna be uh and you know, at this point.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Because I mean, they're stuck.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

I I am the family lawyer.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

The people around you can sometimes hinder your growth. You're stuck because nobody held you accountable. Nobody wants to say anything, nobody wants to make you mad, nobody wants to hurt your feelings, not knowing that they're hurting you in the long run. They're stunting your growth. So, yeah, put you, put you on retainer, baby.

SPEAKER_04 27:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

You you coming back. Facts. Um, because I feel like it's maybe hurting your feelings is worth the risk. Upsetting you is worth the risk.

SPEAKER_02 27:49

No, I don't know. I don't know what child, young adult where you offer, you know, feedback that's not, and you know, the feedback isn't isn't praise, and they it makes them feel good, you know. But long term, that one thing that you said may very well change the trajectory of their future. Yeah. And in this climate, it could be life or death. Oh, you know, uh some examples, you know, how people, you know, right now, shoot, this stuff goes back far, farther than now. But, you know, in social media, uh in the social media age, we're seeing all kinds of stuff on IG about how people are reacting when they pulled over with cops, you know? And so it's just one of the things I teach is listen, just try to stay cool, calm, and collect. Just try to stay. I understand if you feel that your rights have been violated, but what emotionally just try to stay cool.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

But if I'm a person, but if I'm a person that I've always been around people that told me that I was right. I was always around people who was protecting my feelings or didn't want to necessarily upset me. I was always around people who agreed with me. Now the cops have pulled me over. I'm mad and I'm upset. And number two, I don't really have an respect for any type of authority that's gonna come with correction and telling me that I did something wrong. Because now I'm probably 25, 30 years old, and everybody around me has always agreed with me because they were so busy protecting the relationship that they had with me. I don't want to upset them because that means it's gonna cause the issue between he's not gonna buy the honey baked ham. Yeah, he's not gonna come over for Thanksgiving. But people in your life that always want to make sure that I agree with you because I'm trying to protect our relationship, they're not people who's trying to protect you in the future. Right. You're looking at right now and how it benefits you. But what about in the future?

SPEAKER_02 29:57

And you know what, Chante, you raise a good point. I mean, you have to, I want to be challenged. You raise a good point because, you know, those same behaviors and characteristics, those are the same behaviors that we bring into our relationships, which are the same behaviors that we bring on the job and how we show up uh, you know, in our work life. So it's really, you know, those small things that come from how we deal within our families and communicate and what we will and will not tolerate show up in every other aspect.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

Every other aspect. And then I guess what I had to look at myself at one point and say is, am I correctable?

Are You Actually Correctable

SPEAKER_01 30:43

So we've been talking about correcting and how you know this could help a person pretty much evolve, grow, get better. But what if the person is just not correctable? What if I don't say anything to you because I know you're gonna become defensive? I don't say anything to this person because I know it's gonna turn into an argument and now we're mad and now we pissed off with each other. And I mean, are you correctable? Because I'm pretty sure we both can think back of times, because we're not perfect, right? We're human, that we were not correctable. We didn't want to hear it.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

Yeah, I think that you know, I'm at the point in my life is I'm a work in progress, and my ego is not um, I'm not that person that's just like you can't tell me anything. Uh but again is it's about delivering and it's about content, and also it's about my respect, you know, is you can't you can't tell me how to be a good spouse to my partner, my wife, if you are not respectful, you don't show up, um, and you are not uh uh reciprocating goodness in your relationship. So yeah, I definitely think so.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

That sounds like you go to church every Sunday, but you you sit in the pew and you listen to the pastor, you know the pastor is probably doing A, B, C, and D, but some of us still sit in church and we'll listen to the pastor. We'll take the constructive criticism or you know, whatever from the pastor. I mean, to me, it's the it's the same thing. I don't think it's sometimes people don't feel like, oh, yeah, oh, this person. I just think it's about who it is. Sometimes it's not even the delivery. I just think it's the person don't want to, some people are not correctable. Let's just say it. It's if I feel like you're gonna argue, or you're gonna defend, or you're gonna become upset and angry, or in the long run, what happens, sometimes people are punished. So I say this because I remember back, this was probably about 10 years ago, maybe, um, one of my daughters, and I'm not gonna say which one, came home one time and was very upset. And I said, What's wrong? What happened? Um, she tried to tell her dad something that he did to her and said to her that made her feel a certain way. So instead of him taking the constructive criticism, the feedback, hearing her feelings out, instead he punished her. And when I say punish her, I'm not saying he said, Oh, go to your room, you can't come out, or you in timeout. Not that type of punishment. The punishment of silence. The rest of the weekend or the rest of the week that you're here, I'm just not gonna talk to you. I'm just not gonna say anything to you. I'm gonna act like you don't even exist. That was a silent punishment because you tried to correct me. And I hate when people say kids shouldn't be able to correct adults because it's not about a kid correcting an adult, it's about this person who has feelings.

SPEAKER_02 34:17

And you know the danger in that.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

I trust you enough as my parent, the person who's supposed to love me, to say, hey, you hurt my feelings, and I don't like when you make me feel this way. So now I'm punished. Yeah. I'm isolated.

SPEAKER_02 34:33

Right. I think that we should, it it's not uh being communicative and expressing how something has made you feel is not something that um you have to be of a certain age, and it doesn't mean that, you know, if this person is 55 and you 25, that you can't say anything.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

I just I think that that's but it's the same way with

How Friend Groups Get Trained

SPEAKER_01 34:56

friends. Notice a friend group. So you can have like three, four, and I'm only speaking for females right now because we do this often. It could be four, five, six of six of us in a group. I'm gonna gravitate to you because you the friend that you're not gonna challenge me, you're not gonna say anything, you're not gonna, you know, push me. I may not talk to this friend over here because I know this friend over here, she the one. Check them in Russia. She's gonna check me, and I I don't even want to be checked right now. So I'm gonna gravitate towards this one. And so what tends to happen in the more passive personality? The more passive personalities click up together, the more aggressive personalities click up together. Then also we train our group of friends how to be with us. And when I say we train them, I'm saying people always say, you know, my friends are ride or die. I want honest friends around me. I want friends around me that, you know, um will tell me about myself. No, you don't. So it's not that you lack honest friends. You've trained your friend group how to respond to you and what to say to you and what not to say to you. Because now they know I don't want to piss off. I'm trying to have a good day today, or I'm trying to have a good trip. So, girl, if that's what she wants to do, you know, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

There's another thing that I just want to just stick a pen. Um stick a pen in it. Stick a pen in it because it's it's so good that when you were talking about just about silent treatment from you know that authority figure, like a parent or a mentor, or a boss. Yeah, you know what it you know what it does is in that moment it tells that person that it my voice, my opinion, my feelings didn't matter. It didn't matter, and that's very dangerous. It's very dangerous, particularly for young women. Um young women, oh it doesn't even matter. Yeah, or young men because then it puts you in a place of potentially when you get into relationships, accepting that your voice, your feelings, your expressions just don't matter.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

I mean, even in relationships, you know, sometimes I know I'll say, you know, I really need to pull her to the side and say something about that. I know correction is but I do know in the back of my head, I'm like, correction is expensive. It comes at a cost. It comes at a cost of maybe a little discomfort. I mean, it's gonna come. It stings. It stings. I mean, even in the world that we live in today, saying certain things and being brutally honest or whatever, it can even come at a cost of popularity or, you know, sometimes for some people it comes at a cost of their relationship. Right. But I mean, I don't want to be in a place where I feel like, oh no, King about to challenge me because I feel like my success has come has come right as a result as a result of being challenged.

SPEAKER_02 38:17

Right, of being challenged.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

Of being challenged.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Of being challenged.

SPEAKER_02 38:22

To thine own self be true.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

To thy own self be true.

SPEAKER_02 38:25

And we are our sisters and our brothers keepers.

SPEAKER_01 38:29

And walk carefully. Walk carefully. And I've always said the strongest relationships, they aren't the ones that, you know, doesn't have any conflict. I think the more you talk, the more you uh, I guess, are uncomfortable, you tend to continue to rise to the occasion. And it helps you prepare for different occasions that in the future you're gonna have to rise to. Yes, indeed. Um man. That was good right there. That was good. I mean, it is tough, and I know it's a lot more we can continue to talk about on this. Um, but quickly, what about dope or no? Let's get into it.

Dope Or Nope On Hard Truths

SPEAKER_01 39:12

Your butt your best friend notices you're making the same destructive dating choices and says something. Dope or no? Dope. I say dope as well, because I mean, real friends don't just watch you drive into a wall silently, do they? They're gonna be like, hey, hey, hey, before you hit, before you crash. Watch out now. Watch out now. Dope or nope, knowing a loved one's harmful behavior because you don't want conflict. I'm sorry, ignoring a loved one's harmful behavior because you don't want conflict.

SPEAKER_02 39:53

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Yeah, nope for me as well. I just feel like avoiding, you know, discomfort today may create devastation tomorrow. Absolutely. Dope or nope, a spouse privately correcting you instead of embarrassing you publicly.

SPEAKER_02 40:13

Dope.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

I think that's dope. I mean, correction should always preserve dignity. You don't want to walk away feeling. I like how you said that. Don't put me down. Yeah, don't put me down. If you're truly correcting me, you're trying to make me better. And then the next time I won't feel so defensive and not want to receive it because you did it in a way that I was able to walk away and still hold my head up. In the spirit of love. In the spirit of love. Dope or nope. Cutting people off every time they tell you something you don't want to hear.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Nope. I mean, that's how people end up surrounding themselves with the same old people, with the same old enablers, flocked together. Dope or nope, listening fully before ending yourself. Dope or nope. Dope. Because you gotta, you know, understanding.

SPEAKER_04 41:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

I think you gotta understand it before you can come with that rebuttal. Right. Yeah. Dope or nope, a parent tells their adult child, I love you too much to stay silent about the direction your life is headed in.

SPEAKER_02 41:37

That's love. That didn't sound bad.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Dope. Dope. I think it's dope. I mean, if it's delivered, like you say, with love, respect, and genuine concern rather than judgment or feeling like this parent is trying to control me. They want me to comply, definitely. Dope. Um, I would say, you know, with this, just continue to pay attention to the people who tell you the truth when there's nothing in it for them.

Rare People Who Tell The Truth

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Um, those people are rare. The real question is: who loves you enough to risk the relationship by telling you the truth? And that's all we have for now. Bye. Stay dope.