II Dope Chics's Podcast
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II Dope Chics's Podcast
Family Vacations With Your Ex: Part 2
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Kids can feel divorce in a hundred tiny moments, not just the day the papers are signed. So we asked a bigger question: what does it look like when four adults decide to cooperate so the kids never have to carry the weight of grown-up conflict?
We’re back with D, KG, Sheldon, and Tamara for part two, and they don’t sugarcoat it. We play Dope Or Nope with real blended family scenarios: showing up together for birthdays and graduations, sitting together at school events, refusing to use kids as messengers, and never speaking badly about an ex where little ears can hear it. The theme that keeps coming up is peace as a parenting gift, and how direct communication, respect, and consistency help teens and young adults feel supported across two homes.
Then we get into the messy middle where most co-parenting advice stops: what happens when a new spouse joins an established routine. Sheldon shares the “after work I stop by” habit, Tamara explains why time and long-distance sacrifice matter, and we talk through how to balance parenting, partnership, and belonging without turning it into a power struggle. We also challenge the viral “who comes first” debate, because real life is juggling, not ranking.
If you want practical co-parenting boundaries, step-parent insight, and a roadmap for a healthier blended family, hit play, share this with someone navigating divorce, and subscribe and leave a review so more parents can find it. What boundary would bring the most peace to your co-parenting situation?
Why Peace Matters After Divorce
SPEAKER_05Welcome to the Two Dough Chicks Podcast, part two of the co-parenting blended family. How did we get here? How did they do it? Man, it has been such a joy talking to D, KG, Sheldon, and Tam. They've told us how blended families work, all the sacrifices they've made. And let me just say this blended families struggle because households compete. Who's the favorite parent? Who spends more money? Who gets more time? Children don't need competing adults. They need cooperating adults. And that's what we have here with us today. We have four cooperating adults that decided to heal before they jumped into the whole co-parenting blended family situation. So we just thank you all for being back with us. I'm Shantae. And I'm Mill.
SPEAKER_03And we're gonna do the doop does it.
SPEAKER_05Welcome to the Two Doll Chicks Podcast. And thank you, D, KG, Sheldon, and Tamara for coming back and joining us for part two. It was too good to just leave it at part one. I mean, you all have talked to us and you've told us, I mean, some of everything, and we have truly enjoyed it and learning a lot. And we've also discussed the benefits of co-parenting. Um, we know that kids are more stable, they have more emotional support, they feel like they have a village. I mean, these kids are successful. So many different things we can say that I think the greatest gift that divorced parents can give their children is peace. And that's what it seems like you all are giving to your children in this situation. Um, I appreciate the fact that they have gained such an amazing support system through all of this. Um, not that we're happy that you two got divorced, but we are definitely happy that you did divorce the right way. Now you're co-parenting the right way, and now both of you all have moved on to some amazing, beautiful relationships with some awesome people, Tamara and KG. And here we are. So now the kids are pretty much late teens, uh young adults now. And so we're we're still talking about. I know Melissa and I, we're always curious about the mindset of the mindset shifting of emotional healing, um, forgiveness, foundations, and child-centered decisions that have gotten us here. Child-centered decisions, child-centered decisions, not adults with their stuff. That's T. I know. Yes, a blended family that you all have become friends. KG, just to recap you all, if you missed the last episode, KG even talked about when Sheldon comes over, it's like, hey, you want a drink? Because Sheldon, the ex-husband, didn't walk through the door. Sheldon is my friend because he is the ex-husband to the woman that I now love, which is D. And we love this amazing relationship that you all have formed and all the decisions that you all are making to make sure that all of your kids are happy.
Dope Or Nope Co-Parenting Rules
SPEAKER_05Um, so now we play this little game, and then we're gonna jump back into our conversation. We play this game here on the Two Dope Chicks Podcast that we call Dope or Nope. And usually we hit you all with this game in when we first meet you, but the conversation was so good, we didn't want to stop you. So, you know, if I hit you with another dope or nope, I'm just making up for that last episode where I didn't get it, and I had to split the spin the block. So here we go. Dope or no? Attending your child's birthday party or graduation with your ex and the new spouse. Dope. Dope. Definitely dope. Dope, definitely. Being there done that. Just did it. We just did that last night. We just did it. I love KG. KG like been there, done that. So it got to be dope. Okay, dope or nope. Using your child to deliver messages between households. Nope. Nope. Nope.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_05Why is that?
SPEAKER_01We have phones, you know. We're adults, we have phones. If there's a message we need to convey to the other, then we call them or text them. It's as simple as that. I don't think the child should be the conduit to which a message is transmitted to another parent. I just feel like you can reach out to that other parent directly and say what you gotta say. No matter how difficult.
SPEAKER_07And then there are also family group chats, household group chats as well, to make sure that whether it's us and the kids are on the same page or Sheldon and D and the kids are on the same page, or whatever the case may be. It's it's too many tools there.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Yep.
SPEAKER_02Now, the the one nuance, I know this is a quick, like hit it like game, but the one nuance with that is I will say kids and our kids are great, but kids have a little manipulative streak in them, and there are times where they will attempt to kind of create like look, like there, there are times that I may say to our son, you need to go to your dad with that question. But it's never him to deliver a message for me or anything like that. But it's like there are times where he's like, okay, I feel like the soft spot for this particular request might be mom, or the soft spot might be dad. And I will say, ask your dad. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05Because I now you try to play play on each side. I like that.
SPEAKER_01And and and to piggyback off, I know, like she said, it's a quick game, but we actually talk to each other because if our son comes to me and says something, I'll go back to her and say, Did you ask him to do this? And she'll say, No, that's not what the message was supposed to be. I told him, like she said, talk to your dad about that situation. And so we want to make sure we're always on the same page because whenever there's a decision to be made, we want them to come to us. I love that. That's awesome. That's awesome. It just makes things easier.
SPEAKER_05And it keeps the kids from feeling like they can play both sides to the middle and manipulate. So I I absolutely love that. Dope or nope, inviting your child's other parent to sit with you at school performances.
SPEAKER_04And I know KG is gonna say I I would love it if there's ever an opportunity that we can get all the people involved to be part of that. But uh, it's dope. It's dope, it's dope, it's dope every time we can do it.
SPEAKER_05Dope for sure. Because it shows unity, it shows that we're all here for you, that we're truly adults, and we've put all of our stuff to the side to just be here to support you.
SPEAKER_06I don't think it's ever been a time where we went to anything for the kids and we didn't sit together. Right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Volleyball games, baseball games, cheer competitions. Yeah, that's amazing. Everything plays yes.
SPEAKER_05Y'all sure y'all not white? I had to ask you, you don't even know. Sorry. I asked these questions.
SPEAKER_10For those of you on YouTube, for those of you on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, anyone monitoring, she did not mean that. She did not. It was just in jest, sorry, purely for entertainment purposes only. Purely ingest, yeah.
SPEAKER_05I had to ask because I'm like, you know, you know, you never know. I but I love that that you all sit together because I remember uh when I used to go to stuff for my daughters, and you could see them, their little faces trying to figure out who am I gonna go to first? Who am I gonna? It's stressful for them. They may not say it, but it is. It's very stressful because their brains is trying to process, okay, if I go over here and talk to my dad first, is my mom gonna feel some type of way? Or vice versa. And so that takes all the wondering, all of the stress out of the equation for them.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, they took it a step further.
SPEAKER_07We don't do it anymore, but after every performance, we used to go out to eat because it was something that they did before. So if it was a performance, like a big performance or a big award show or something like that, they would go out to dinner. So then I started coming and things like that. Wow.
SPEAKER_05Definitely, that's amazing. Dope or no, talking negli negatively about your ex when your children are present in the room. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Or even if they aren't in the room, because I I was always told, all what was it, all uh closed eyes ain't sleeping, all goodbyes ain't gone. So they can still hear some things, you know, even if you think you and Tam are having a conversation or D and KG are having a conversation, you just never know what they may, you know, overhear. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02So definitely celebrating and that goes that goes right back to the, I mean, to circle it back to the whole respect conversation because it's very hard to fake respect, or you know, there's only so long you can keep a facade because okay, the kids are in the room, so let's let's try to act like we like like that's not that's not sustainable. So it it requires a foundation of like I literally don't have I won't say I don't have negative, we were all individuals, so we have disagreements and things like that, but there's no that I don't have I don't have negative feelings that I'm trying to harbor and keep away from them that I have to be conscious of because that's when you mess up and I drink too much to be completely conscious of what I'm saying. So I have to have a baseline of actual respect to kind of maintain that within their earshot or not.
SPEAKER_05I love your um your transparency, D.
SPEAKER_10As she takes her sip, as she takes her next sip.
SPEAKER_05Thank you. Oh, right. Dope or nope, celebrating major milestones together even after divorce and remarriage. Dope. Dope. Dope. I love that. Because children remember the love and the unity that they have experienced, they'll remember that more than the family structure. Because now the new norm and the new structure is what you all have put together for them.
When A New Partner Joins Routines
SPEAKER_05So now, co-parenting, you all have said, isn't about you. Now we have the the new spouse, we have the new significant other. Tell us about how that has been. I know Sheldon said he has some some things he had to get, he has some things he had to get off his chest. What what happened? What went on?
SPEAKER_01Well, as with any relationship that has ended, of course you have the memories from that relationship. Of course you have the growing, or not even the growing pains, but the the death of that relationship and the angst of getting out of the the I guess whirlwind of emotions that that has caused. And so there are things that when you bring somebody into uh a relationship like ours, and I go see the kids every evening after work. Wow. I don't live in the same house, but I have to maintain this I'm still here presence. You know, and I still want to see them. I still want to make sure, hey, they had a good day, or if they want to have a couple of things.
SPEAKER_05Every evening you got off work.
SPEAKER_01I would do my best. If there was something that hindered me, I tried my best to, you know, get there. I'd call her and say, Hey, I'm gonna stop by. Is it okay if it's too late? I'd reach out to her and say, you know, to D and say, hey, can I stop by? Um But there was a time that timer visited and it was a very short visit. And um I acknowledged and appreciated her visiting. My routine is my routine. And I was going to see the kids, and it was a very short stop. However, she felt, hey, you've been at work all day. I'm here waiting, and you're going to see the children. I'm gone. Okay. I'm gonna go see my kids. Have a safe trip. I felt some kind of way, but my routine is my routine. And it it bothered me a little bit because in my mind I felt selfish to an extent because I felt like, how could you not understand this is my routine, this is what I'm doing. I'm not going to spend time with their mom, I'm going to spend time with the children. Right? It's three of them. I give them each some time just to make sure they realize I'm there. I'm coming back. We're gonna hang out, do something fun, and then you're you know, going home the next day. But um, she she took great offense to it, and I understand, um, but yeah.
SPEAKER_05So so what was going through your mind? Were you upset that you had been there waiting? Or were you upset at the fact that can you break your routine just this once?
SPEAKER_07It was a little bit of multiple things. So, number one, I'm a very busy person. Like I have my own very busy, very full life. We were in this long distance relationship. Traditionally or normally, I travel every week for work. So most of the time I would fly out on a Monday, I would fly back home to Atlanta on a Thursday, and Sheldon specifically asked me if I would come down. And so I tried to get a flight to Jacksonville, could not get one. So after flying to Atlanta, after my own busy life, my busy work week, I drove to Jacksonville. From Atlanta. I drove to Jacksonville from Atlanta. He said, All I have to do is get um Nick a haircut, which I believe was the next day. Because I asked him, what do you have to do with the kids before I even got there? All I have to do is get him a haircut. That turned into a haircut, that turned into a drop-off, that turned into I'm going to see my kids. I am very serious about my time. Time is something that you cannot get back. I have my own very busy full life in Atlanta. I have my own child regardless of if he's grown or not. We're very close. So if you were still going to do all of these things, I could have stayed my tired ass.
SPEAKER_05Your whole ass.
SPEAKER_07My whole ass in Atlanta. I because I was tired. And so it was just, I felt like sometimes there needs to be a balance there. And I used to tell them all the time, as busy as you are with the children, these children are gonna grow up and they're going to leave you. And that is because I had just gone through it. You know, I was a single parent, my son is my best friend, literally. So I had to deal with him going off to school. So everything that I was accustomed to taking up my time, it wasn't there anymore. Because he was grown now or he was in college, he had his own life. And so I'm telling him, you have to invest in your person sometimes just as much as you do in your children. Because they're gonna leave you.
SPEAKER_05They are getting up. I think there's validity to that. Yes, they're going to leave you, but you want them to come back. And just like your son, you've put so much into him. He's such a successful young man. Every time, yeah, he's no longer living with you. He has his own life now. But because of the love and everything that you've poured into him, he does not have that in him to be like, oh, well, my mama living her life. I'm over here living my life. I'll see her whenever, whatever. He's gonna make every effort, every effort, not just Mother's Day, not just Christmas, Easter, any other time. He's gonna come back and spend time and be with you because that's the relationship that you all have. And so, do you think it was is just him just trying to maintain and make sure that, yeah, they're gonna grow up and leave me one day, but they know that I'm here, they know that I'm dad, and we have a healthy relationship.
SPEAKER_07I think that is a big part of it. Um, and Sheldon is also a very routine person. Like, this is what I do, this is what I like, this is what I am accustomed to. You're also in a long distance relationship, and I was there for two days. I sacrificed as well and made a big sacrifice in saying, okay, well, I can't get on a flight. I'm gonna go ahead and drive this five hours to spend these two days for you, so you cannot for this one night not go over there after work. That's and so I took I reclaimed my time, and that's why I got back to the time.
SPEAKER_05I reclaimed my time, reclaiming my time, and I'll write back to Atlanta.
SPEAKER_10That's uh that's that that's uh that's a delicate one, you know. Um I'm reminded of your mind.
SPEAKER_05I knew you were going there. I so I knew you were about to go there.
SPEAKER_10Because that that that really is a tricky situation, it is, and it's a tricky situation.
SPEAKER_05And I'm pretty sure Sheldon felt bad because I felt bad. You just don't know what to do in that moment. And in my mind, they're not gonna be this size forever. And so all the time that I can pour in and spend and do, I wanna I wanna be there. And so I I just didn't want to miss it. Yeah, I didn't want to miss the time with you either.
SPEAKER_10I will always say you literally are the best mom that I know. Thank you. So I've I appreciate all your sacrifices. Um and you are continued because now it's parenting adult children. Continued sacrifices, you know.
SPEAKER_05Um I get it. My heart, you know, I'm not being biased, uh Tam, but my heart just, you know, went out to him because I've been there. It's like it's a it's a juggling match. You don't know what to do. Like, I want to be over here, and I would have been mad too if I would have taken that trip, been on the road four and a half hours. You're flying all everywhere for you know work and to come into that. And it's like, but you told me this is all you had to do. You said all you had to do was take Nick to get a haircut. Now the haircut is turned into this, this, and this. It's like, what about me? And I'm only asking you for one night.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I um I I did feel some kind of way afterwards, and you know, just kind of revisiting my thoughts and my actions, I I I did realize, okay, I could have given her that that time. Yeah, I could have brought him home, said hi to the girls, spent a little bit more time and then leave. Um could have brought her along. Like, hey, you know, just ride with me. Um, but again, hindsight, you know. In my mind, I was just doing my job, running my routine, and then I'm coming home. Then you have me for the rest of the day.
SPEAKER_05That's another thing I was gonna say too. I don't think it was so much of um, because I don't know how D felt hearing it, or is this D first time hearing this whole story? It's probably her first time, yeah. So um what I'm hearing here, and I'm just you know playing devil's advocate, sometimes it's hard. Um, I know even in our situation, Millicent never wanted to feel like um she was, I think it was kind of brought to her like, are you trying to replace somebody? But it was never this person coming in trying to replace anyone. You're joining a family unit. And so in that, maybe she would have just felt more like family if you swing by, pick me up, and we both you know, go and visit because you never want that other person, KG or Tam, to feel like they're replacing D or they replacing KG. I'm joining a family unit, and I know it's established, I know this is your routine, but now I want to be a part of your routine. Yeah, we've had a couple of moments like that.
SPEAKER_10Oh yeah, yeah. That's the growing pain.
SPEAKER_07It's the growing pain.
SPEAKER_10It's the growing pain and and I love how you all through it just keep talking about it and working on it, you know, um, because that's what that's that's where the the the the sustenance comes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05D, how you feel hearing hearing this story for the first time? Like you did what?
SPEAKER_02Right, yeah. I mean, I you know, transparently I'm 100% pro Tam in this situation, hearing it because and I understand where Shony's coming from because he had routine and all the rest of that, but it's one night like the kid, but again, it goes back to like the personalities. Like I wouldn't, I would not have hesitated. There's been nights that I went to see him, you know, and the kids was here, whatever, and that's fine. You know, I I I just don't I don't take it like that. That's not my approach. Um, but so yeah, I I I I just like to hear that you know they were able to move past that, but I completely I mean, I'm I'm 100% pro what Tebra is saying.
SPEAKER_05You like, and they my kids, and you could have missed a night, Sheldon.
SPEAKER_04I dated a guy we were we way off the but I dated a guy who lives in Atlanta and so I have done that Atlanta Drive and it ain't no joke and to do that and then it's like well I can't make and then it's like well I can't make a um you know an exception and it's one like that to me that's unreasonable but um we're talking about it in this setting because I would not want to overstep it outside of the setting like this that's that's between the two of them but yeah I I completely agree with and in the in the interim Kenny G said what a man in Atlanta K G said wait a minute now you gotta remember I I I will have to relate some context to to to the whole environment which I I don't speak a lot but but I will tell y'all this um when me and D first met I owned the nightclub in Jacksonville um it was it was it was a very very nice establishment based on the fact that we're not supposed to own anything and being the fact that we were the first black owned um private members only club in Jacksonville I had to go through four or five city council meetings to to to make sure this this place was okay land the plan so the plan is baby we've been that that deal we we we we can actually make things happen without anybody getting uh a uh uh uh uh consensus okay you know if I sit here and close my eyes I really think that I'm talking to T.I.
What The Kids Would Say Now
SPEAKER_04I told y'all this they really sound like we sit here talking to TI Town put words together in a weird way like TI does so I'm not here I love it I love it let me ask you all this if you all's kids who are guests on this podcast what do you think they would say I mean especially now being young adults in their life what do you think they would say about your co-parenting um situation that you made their lives easier harder I mean what are some of the things that you all think they would say all my kids are so smart all our kids are so smart like like all of them recognize that this is something special that there's no um animosity on on who is the favorite I think everybody actually understands the the the the fact that we all love all these kids like that you you you can't dispute that you know what I mean so I I I think our I think our kids are they might not say it to us you know that they're teenagers so so we don't get the recognition like we we're not gonna get our we're we're not gonna get our flowers hands down we're not that's not what we're here for but I I think our kids will really recognize that we have put them in a great position to succeed um in in in the times where they don't that they no longer live in a household.
SPEAKER_07And I think if they don't realize it right now they will at some point in time. So I feel like a lot of times when children are out of the house or they're going off to college and now you're meeting people whose norm looks nothing like yours a lot of times that is when the light bulb goes off because thankfully for them this is all they know all they know is functioning co-parenting that's all they've ever seen so if they don't realize it now I can guarantee they will one day wow 100% parents what do you all think they would say bio parents I I I concur with what y'all said I I I think that one day they'll realize it I think the girls maybe have they to your point Tam is their norm now and they were so young my our son Nick I think took it the hardest for a number of factors the the initial divorce because of just who he is as a person he's a sensitive kind of person a little bit more emotional than my girls and he was oldest so he felt you know he understood it better than they did and you know we're transparent about that when you talk we talked about healing when we were coming into the into part two of this um of this podcast and and and healing I think it I immediately thought of our son because of all the kids he's the one you know that we we actually you know he went through some therapy and all that because he was dealing with it more he was taking it harder than the girls were um and so I think and to this day I think it's he grapples with it more and on a different level than the girls do.
SPEAKER_02So I I can't put words in it that the kids never cease to amaze me so I can't say what they would say but I I I completely agree with what Tamra said which is that my hope is at some point they'll be able to um appreciate you know our efforts and and and really beyond appreciating it just that they will bear the fruits of hopefully what we what we've tried to do which is try to create some stability and and all that in their lives.
SPEAKER_01Wow and I mean definitely you know as as as D uh echoed about Nick and his um his personality um the girls are a little bit more mature uh they're definitely more um honed in on what's going on and they will definitely um balance things uh from both households a lot easier um but yeah they definitely will look back at at some point I hope and realize that they were raised in some healthy situations scenarios where they were always loved adored and and um given the tools to succeed and um yeah I think they'll definitely have positive things to say.
SPEAKER_05And they're going to remember how all of you have made them feel how all of you had allowed them to love everybody. They're going as adults they're going to tell their kids one day like wow we really grew up in a way where we were just able to shine regardless of our parents divorcing because I just feel like kids are not going to necessarily remember the in your situation they're not going to remember the divorce they're gonna remember how all of you have made them feel during this entire time so that's what's going to be so amazing when you all I see the next five probably next five six years you are going to be having those conversations and they're gonna be coming home with their significant others and you're gonna show them you know when you break up with this person this is how you're supposed to behave and this is how because kids don't remember half the stuff that we say anyway but they remember what we show them. Yes. What we model for them is what they retain. So what you all are modeling is everything you you really should get together and co-author a book together. You really should think about that y'all you should co-author a book together and you should start doing these parenting classes I don't care if you all have to do them in a setting like this start doing some parenting classes because it's so many people out there in our age groups and younger and the new generation needs to to see this because look what their influences are are teaching them. You know you have people out there that right now are having babies from you know people that are married and they're saying like oh it's cool I don't know that's that's them I don't know what they got going on but this is my you know so they need to hear and see situations like this. Agreed. Like you all are doing something that is so I use the word extraordinary because it is it is extraordinary. Because Lord knows that was not my situation.
SPEAKER_09Millicent was kind of blessed because her parents are are still together so she didn't have to deal with you know the whole blended family of co-parenting situation on either end um beside until she got well no not even when you got with me your person before me had kids that's right I remember but this is not about us not about us I think it's time for one more game before we let you guys go back to dopano it's time for one more game before we let you guys oh goodness some losses change your life and should never be ignored if your family lost someone because of negligence I'll stand on business for you. This
Celebrating Joy Across Households
SPEAKER_09is my city I fight for my people I am your attorney scan below save the number and if ever in need call dope or no your teenage child comes home excited about a trip they took with your ex and their new spouse.
SPEAKER_05You feel hurt but you celebrate their excitement anyway it's dope.
SPEAKER_02And I and again I don't want to romanticize any of this because there's a lot obviously we're we're talking about the things that work and all the good stuff so I'm not trying to like gloss over but I really genuinely do not know that emotion of feeling hurt because my kids had a good time with their dad and his partner who I know and trust and like like it would be different I guess if he was with someone who I didn't approve of for lack of a better term but with with that not being the case if my kids are having a good time I almost don't care who they're having it with period even outside of my correct when when are y'all going again where's the next vacation have a ball you know what I mean like I I love that for them you know what I mean I love it for them as well dope or no mature parents don't compete with their children's joy you should so that's all I have for that particular Dope and game and I know we wanted to get in very quickly we talked about um kind of lessons for every blended family but sometimes a parent may say my spouse comes first because my kids are eventually going to grow up and they're gonna move out and they're gonna live their own lives and my spouse will be the only one I have left and so I want to kind of get into how do you all or what do you feel about prioritizing your marriage over your kids or over co-parenting how what are your thoughts on that and I know D you had already said I got some thoughts about that. I knew
Marriage Versus Kids A False Choice
SPEAKER_02I'm trying to see her not again take over but but I I hate that um I don't know what the term is analogy or whatever it is but it comes up all the time especially on social media who is first you know if you had if it's a burning building or who do you put first i to me that is a false um choice because real life is juggling many things and what that means is that there are going to be times where this is more urgent than this is and this and this can be anything it could be the marriage it can be the kids it can be you know there's a baseline of responsibility that as mature responsible adults that we have we know we got to take care of our kids at a baseline if you've chosen somebody to live to spend your life with there's a level of emotional accountability that that goes along with that but as a as a woman who works you know who has a corporate career and a husband and children and and a pet and and hobbies and friends and it it you it it's not a it that it you can't do that you just can't break it down to brass tacks in that sense I think that there are times where you have to be you just have to be sensitive to the moment and you have to be what is needed in that moment. And that does mean that at times maybe you know somebody may even feel a way you know my girl sometimes I go out to the garage and I hang out with with with my husband because I love hanging out with him and because quality time is important and if one of the kids feels like well why you not in the living room with us you know watching a movie or just whatever it's like well because I only have a finite amount of time and I'm choosing to spend this time because my husband's important and you guys are important. But if somebody is you know drowning I'm not obviously gonna choose anything related to the person that's not drowning over that. So you just have to have a little bit of common sense I think and then also just you know understand what's most important to you know the the whole love language thing. If it's quality time for my husband and if it's you know acts of service for my kids or whatever I'm I'm constantly trying to manage all those things. So that means that there are going to be moments where somebody's gonna be disappointed somebody's gonna feel like they hit the short end of the stick. That that just is what it is like I'm sorry I tell my job the same thing. There's moments where y'all are gonna have to go on without me because if I get hit by a bus, y'all gonna put somebody else in the seat before my body is so you can this can't go on without me and and the same thing at home. So it there is no higher priority necessarily my I I love my husband I love my children um and that's I I love them all and I have to use my common sense and my intellect to determine what's most urgent at any given moment.
SPEAKER_05I agree and I I don't disagree when people say you know my my spouse necessarily comes first what I disagree with is when people use that statement as an excuse to neglect their children. Now to me that's kind of where I draw the line that's a difference.
SPEAKER_04You can say all day long I love my spouse my spouse comes first the problem is not you know you loving your spouse the problem is when you use that to be neglectful that that that's really my only issue let me um come through tip let me let me add this right here um anytime you're on an airplane the the the the people the the the the stewardess always tell you if there's any change in cabin pressure put the mask on yourself put your but you need to put your mask on yourself first you you can't help nobody unless you help yourself first so what I need to do is make sure that I'm good to make sure that anybody around me particularly my wife and any offspring in in that accord can be um actually facilitated I can't do what she does she can't do what I do I she don't cut the yard I don't wash dishes you understand what I'm saying so so there are roles that we play in i i in in each other's lives that that that that that that are just um fundamental you know what I'm saying so when when when when it comes to being able to distinguish which roles we play we all have a role I would never ask my wife to baby you want to help weed eat you want to help cut this grass no I'm not gonna do that because I know she takes care of everything that that facilitates anything in this household so so so there there there there comes the um the actual genuine um for facilitation of of being a couple you can't be a couple without um actually facilitating where you are wrong or right or or strong or or or not so strong. I think that's where we excel and I think that's the the the same reason that why me and Sheldon and her and Tam get along so well because we're not in competition. We we are always here to support whatever anybody has anybody has in this whole village.
SPEAKER_05I like that and I like the fact that you all just continue to say hey like D stated I'm telling my kids I love you and I'm trying my best to split my time up I want to go in the garage and sit and spend some time with my husband I'm gonna come and spend some time with you all I I don't think kids care if we go and get remarried or anything or start seeing somebody else I think they really care when they feel like they're being left out and they don't matter anymore. Like I'm not emotionally would never do that. Yeah I'm not emotionally connected to you anymore because you're putting this other person first or before me. And so when you have a parent uh kind of like a Sheldon that's something that I know goes through your mind of I want to always make sure that my kids know that they are my life I love you.
SPEAKER_07But don't think that just because I'm with Miss Tamra that I'm replacing you or I don't love you as much because I do so how do you you know talk to them about that to let them know like I'm here and everybody's happy I love that and you like you know what let them have that's their time that's their time I love that I love that I love the fact that you don't mind stepping back and I'm gonna allow him to spend quality time with they need that one on one.
SPEAKER_05They just need their dad or they just need their mom. That's all kids need and they I don't care how old they become they're gonna always need us in some capacity. Millicent and I uh we started this thing when Shemai and Tatiana were little we would take vacations together but then we would let them know like hey as soon as we come back or sometimes we would do it before we would go before yeah this is you all's vacation with us we would do something with them and then we would come back and we would do something and I mean now they're grown and we find ourselves we all just hang out together like they are right and like okay we all about to go here um but we established that you know early on and even on vacation I have my time with them we have our time with them and then they they know like all right y'all we're about to go you know we've been with y'all all day we're about to go and have our time it's our time now and then at the end of the day everybody feels a part of the family unit.
Vacations Social Media And Hurt Feelings
SPEAKER_05Everybody feels everyone is getting what they need everybody is getting what their need what their needs their needs are being met. Who this has been good to us I I can't tell you all just how much my heart is just filled and Lord knows I wish if I could go back and do it all over again I would but you know I know that we cannot control time and turn back the hands of time but if I would have had a conversation with you all 15 20 years ago I would definitely do Some things differently. And so the whole purpose of this podcast is I'm being hopeful and prayerful that somebody out there needs to hear this and they can change their situation right now. So I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story, being transparent, being honest, just being here with us, agreeing to do part one and part two. And maybe Millicent and I be invited some of these family trips because we are family now and we want to go and we want Millicent, what you think about all this? Y'all come on. We're gonna be one big, happy, extended, extended family around here.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, this has been good. You know, I think the change starts with um within you. You know, if if number one, loving your kids more than, you know, the ill feelings that you may have, you know, towards their your ex-spouse or whatever. And uh just putting that first. I think that guides everything else, you know, from a spirit of love. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05I mean, I I sit here and I know we could go on and on and on. I'm gonna wrap this up, but I love the fact that you all vacation together, keep vacation together, even if you just have to get in the car and drive to St. Augustine. Stara Queen. Kids are not gonna remember the destination. They're just gonna remember all the fun and all the love and everything that you all shared on that vacation. One thing as a as a child, and I've experienced this and gone through this with my own, they never wanna sit at home and look on social media and see their dad or their mom posting all these vacation pictures and you know, just having a good time and the outfits and the and the drinks, and it's not that they care that you're on vacation, they just care that they were not a part of it. They don't even care who you went on vacation with, they really don't. And and I I speak from experience on this because I never forget we were in Hawaii actually on vacation. My daughter found out that her dad too was in Hawaii on vacation. We were just on two different islands. They had no idea that he was gonna be in Hawaii. And we just sitting at the pool, just relaxing and chilling. Millicent will tell you, we heard her crying. We're sitting at the pool, we we heard her crying. And we looked over there and we said, What in the world is going on? Like, what is wrong? We're in Hawaii, and we're in Hawaii. I mean, we're literally chilling out by the pool on vacation, talking about, you know, the next excursion. And she started crying and said she saw her dad in Hawaii. He never told her he was going. Um, she was sad. She was heartbroken. She literally went on his social media and said, Why didn't you just tell me that you were going to Hawaii? Why you didn't tell me you were gonna be here? I've been calling you, you won't answer the phone, I've been texting you, you won't respond to text. And she lashed out. She went on his social media page underneath all of his vacation pictures, you know, posing with his new wife. And she went on there and said some basically what I just said. And his call to her was immediate, like within 10 minutes, because he saw the comment on his social media. Instead of calling and saying, My apologies, you know, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, yeah, I'm here. You know, maybe when I get back, you and I could do something. I mean, you and your sister could do something. His comment to her was take your comment off of Facebook. Worried about what everybody else was gonna see, instead of being worried about you so worried about perception that in that moment you wasn't even concerned and worried about the fact that my daughter is hurt because I'm also here in Hawaii and didn't even tell her I was coming. Because the comp the last conversation she had had with him was I can't do any vacations this year. Work got me so busy, I'm so tied up. You know, I'm gonna try to, you know, get with you when I can. And so to see that, wait a minute, work don't have you tied up, you just didn't want to be tied up with me. So, you know, I say that again to say that everybody is not doing what you all are doing. So please continue to do it. And I know that everybody is not gonna be able to curate such a situation as this because it's a lot of different dynamics. People have a lot of different backgrounds, a lot of different things have occurred that some people can't come back from. So the fact that you all have bounced back from all types of adversities and moving forward in the way that you are, in the manner that you are, to be celebrated. It's
Final Takeaways And Gratitude
SPEAKER_05to be celebrated. And I just want you all to know that we here at the Two Dope Chicks Podcast, we celebrate you. Y'all are really dope. Y'all are dope. Y'all are the dope ones. Keep being dope, and we want to keep in touch and keep hearing these amazing stories, and we love y'all, and we're gonna continue to celebrate with you all. And thank you so much for participating and sharing this awesome, amazing story with us. Yes, thank you.