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II Dope Chics's Podcast
Stop People Pleasing
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How much of yourself have you traded away just to keep other people comfortable? We’re talking about people pleasing, the kind that looks like you’re just “being nice” while it quietly drains your time, energy, money, and peace. We’ve both seen how the inability to say no can lead to decisions you regret, relationships that feel one-sided, and that heavy guilt that shows up the moment you try to set a boundary.
We get specific about the signs: constant apologizing, avoiding conflict, agreeing to favors nobody else would do, and saying “I’m fine” when you’re not. We also dig into the deeper roots, including childhood patterns, trauma, and the pressure many of us feel to be the helper, the fixer, the peacekeeper, or “the strong one.” And we say the part out loud: sometimes people stop appreciating your kindness and start expecting your sacrifice.
You’ll hear stories that hit close to home, a quick “dope or nope” boundary checklist, and the mindset shift that keeps coming up for a reason: no is a complete sentence. If you’re ready to stop overexplaining, stop overgiving, and choose your peace over approval, press play.
Subscribe for more honest conversations, share this with a recovering people pleaser, and leave us a review. What’s one “no” you’re ready to say this week?
The Hidden Cost Of Being Nice
SPEAKER_06How much of yourself have you sacrificed just to keep other people comfortable? Today, we're talking about something that looks like kindness on the outside, but it can slowly drain you on the inside. Today we're talking about people pleasing. I'm Shantae. And I'm Lil. And we're the two don't take that. We gotta talk about this today.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's a real thing. You know, you think about it, how we're always taught just to please, to be agreeable, to be helpful, to extend ourselves. To be nice. To be nice. And at some point it's just too much.
SPEAKER_06Well, you start to abandon you,
Nice Versus People Pleasing
SPEAKER_06yourself. So what's the difference between, I guess, people pleasing and I don't know, just being nice, generosity. Um what's the difference?
SPEAKER_03I think just the inability to say no of you know that it's not necessarily the best decision, but you just can't say no because you don't want to disappoint, um, or you don't want to um you don't want things to look like you have you're not there for the person, or you're not being a team player. Um and so I think really that's what it looks like. I'm gonna be honest with you. This topic is incredibly difficult for me because I think over the past 20 years, um, some of the worst decisions I have made have been based upon this.
SPEAKER_06So it is resonating with you as this hidden home. Oh, yeah. Well, that's when you really should, you know, talk about it because now we can get to a place of why were you people pleasing? Was it out of just pure generosity because you got a kind heart? Was it out of fear? Because people pleasing comes from a place. We just got to figure out what that deep place is that caused that.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_06And so when I think of people pleasing, I think of, you know, maybe it's coming from a place of trauma. Uh, maybe it's coming from a place of abandonment. Um other places it could come up.
SPEAKER_03Of just wanting to be perceived like, you know, you're being a team player, you're doing what somebody would do for you. Um and yeah, it's led to for me, I I it's like to me, I just kind of count the decisions where all of them were based from that place, and they were terrible decisions. If I had to do it over, I would do it over and say, uh-uh, no, no, I'm not gonna do that.
SPEAKER_06And one thing I have learned no is a complete sentence.
SPEAKER_03No need to explain, no, period. That's it. Or a hell no, period. Or you got me bent, no.
SPEAKER_06Or if no, period. But one thing I do know is that no is a complete sentence. Absolutely.
Signs You Cannot Say No
SPEAKER_06So I know a lot of people would say, what is people pleasing, what does that look like? Because I'm thinking I'm just being nice, I'm just being kind, I'm just a polite person, I'm just a generous person. What are some signs that no, you are a people pleaser? What are some signs? One thing, one thing I could say um that stands out for me as a people pleaser is someone that's always saying I'm sorry, always apologizing. And I look at them and I say, What are you apologizing for? Like, why do you feel like you need to just jump in? It could be somebody else's stuff, and you're like, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What are you apologizing for? It's not yours to carry, it's not yours to own. So don't apologize.
SPEAKER_03Right, right. I think another one for me is you know, being asked to do something that ain't nobody else would do. Oh. Your mama, my mama, your sister, nobody else would do it.
SPEAKER_06And you know why people come to you?
SPEAKER_03But because they know they can get away.
SPEAKER_06They know you're gonna do it. They know you're gonna be the one, be like, oh, okay, I'll do it, I'll get it done. But it's the reason why you asked me. You were picked. You are hand-picked.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you were hand-picked.
SPEAKER_06But they'll make you feel like, oh, you're the chosen one. Yeah, you're the strong one.
SPEAKER_03We just really need you. No, no, I don't want to be the strong one. Uh-uh.
SPEAKER_06I'm okay being weak. My ego don't need to be strong that way.
SPEAKER_03That's a no.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Another sign for me is go ask your mama. Another sign for me is avoiding conflict.
SPEAKER_03Oh, your mama said no.
SPEAKER_06Avoiding avoiding avoiding conflict at all costs. People that that are people pleasers do not like conflict. They do not like confrontation because it makes them feel like, uh, you know, this is not a moment that I can be nice. This is not a moment where I can insert some type of You're right. You're spot on. You know? You're spot on. And it's okay because in life we have to deal with conflict. It's not gonna always be smooth selling. We're spot on. So it's okay. Um another one is feeling guilty for setting boundaries.
SPEAKER_01That's me.
SPEAKER_06You set the boundaries, that's me, and then yeah, you deal with that all of the time of feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something in this moment, or I'm supposed to do something if you get a phone call, and this is somebody that you set a boundary with, you feel guilty if you do not answer the phone. Answer the phone, you feel guilty if you answer the phone, but then decide that I'm not going to insert myself and help out with this particular situation. The guilt that you carry after that, it's almost like I'm looking at you like, well, dang, you should have just gone ahead on and that's so crazy. Did whatever the deed was.
SPEAKER_03That is so crazy. I have spent hours and hours upon hours upon hours upon hours trying to analyze this, trying to figure out where that comes from. And um, I just don't know. But I know this, um, coming off of this last situation I went through, ain't no way. Yeah, ain't no way that people pleasing stuff. I I I just I can't I can't do it. I can't do it.
SPEAKER_06Because I mean, another depletes you, it depletes you. And then I think another sign is deep down inside, another sign of being a people pleaser, deep down inside you really want to say no, but then you end up saying yes. And it's like you may question yourself after the fact and be like, now why did I say yes to this when I know that really and truly I can't do it, I really don't have time to do it, or somebody asking for a monetary favor. Like, I know I really don't have it, but I told them yes anyway. Like it strains you and drains you in so many different ways when you literally could have just said, no, no, I can't do it. No, I can't, because my thing is if you are around people that are always expecting something from you, are you really and truly a value to them in the way that you want to be a value to them? Or are you just in value a value to them because of what you're able to do to do? And then what happens when you say no? Or what happens when you don't have the capacity to do whatever it is that they want you to do?
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah. Uh you listen, I'm quiet in this moment because honestly, I'm I'm thinking about some things that I've done.
SPEAKER_06You feel like I'm talking to you?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you speak it right to me. And and you know, I'm I understand I take responsibility for what I've done, you know, and the the the wear it put on my family life of what it did to me. Um, you know, the the money piece and people coming at you about, you know, needing this and needing that, that's huge. Because at the end of the day, when life happens and you need a little piece of that, people just disappear. They stop returning your call and the text message, your phone broke, some, you know, just it's amazing. It's it's 100 out of 100 times, you they will not return the favor. Yeah, they will not be there the way you were there. No, they will not sacrifice the way team play player, yeah. That's done and over.
SPEAKER_06And another sign of people pleasing is you have a need for everybody to like
When Giving Leaves You Drained
SPEAKER_06you.
SPEAKER_03No, I don't have that. I don't have that.
SPEAKER_06No, I'm not directing that at you. I'm just saying that's another sign for our viewers. If you know they're wondering, like, do I fit the criteria? Uh, you know, they've yet to say what I think, you know, qualifies me to be a people pleaser. But yes, um, wanting to be liked by everybody that needs to be liked by everybody, you know, you're a people pleaser. Because at the end of the day, no matter what you do, everybody is not gonna like you. Or if they do like you, they like you for the wrong reason. And once again, the moment you cannot produce, the moment you cannot give, the moment you cannot come, the moment you cannot extend whatever it is of yourself that they need in that moment, you're no longer liked. So you've done all of that for what?
SPEAKER_01For nothing.
SPEAKER_06Just to say, oh yeah, this person liked me. Oh yeah, this person, I'm cool with this person, oh yeah, I'm cool with this person. I was always told, baby, it is always quality over quantity.
SPEAKER_01Right. Right.
SPEAKER_06I really don't care.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_06So I'm gonna speak up, I'm gonna speak my mind, I'm gonna be me, like it or leave it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You know, I'm okay with that. So now that we kind of have identified, you know, some of the signs, you know, of the not able to say no when we really saying yes when we really want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, um wanting to be life.
SPEAKER_03Wanting to be life, wanting to feel like you're needed.
SPEAKER_06Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_03That's a big one.
SPEAKER_06That's huge.
SPEAKER_03That's not a big one for me, but no, it's it's a big one for people pleasers. Right. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06Avoiding conflict at all costs. Um, all of that is, you know, just people pleasing. And in all of that, you're leaving yourself depleted. Depleted. Because the people that you are pleasing, they're not doing anything to fill your cup.
SPEAKER_03I guarantee you. I guarantee you.
SPEAKER_06You're pouring and pouring and pouring, right? But nobody is coming back to fill you up. Nobody is gonna say next week, hey, you know, when I called you when I needed you, you know, you stopped everything that you were doing and you came to see about me. I'm just calling you to see what I can do for you this week. I promise you.
SPEAKER_03It's not gonna happen.
SPEAKER_06You're not gonna get a call like that. Nobody's gonna look in their bank account next week and say, hey, you know, last week you blessed me with a hundred dollars. I got a little extra left over this month. Hey, what you need? I got you. Even if I'm just taking you out to eat, won't happen. I've never gotten a call.
SPEAKER_03I've never, yeah. I've I've bought so many dinners for people and I'll get a return back.
SPEAKER_06Baby, you don't bought so many chicken dinners. So many chicken, chicken dinners. Yeah. Girl. Yeah. And then all that constantly apologizing that nobody's going to apologize to you when they wrong you. So we got to get out of this habit of wanting to please everybody because why? So where where is this where is this stemming from?
Where People Pleasing Comes From
SPEAKER_03I think it's just wanting to, well, you've already said, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be liked, and not wanting to ruffle feathers.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_03The feeling like you're needed, wanting to feel like, yeah, that person was in your shoes, that they would do it for you. And you know, I'm not a gambler, mama. It hurts my feelings to lose a dollar. But I get I would place a bet on every single time that you choose to do it and help somebody, and it stems from that people pleasing, 100% of the time, they are not going to return the favor. You know? Never.
SPEAKER_06I know a big one for me, and I don't even consider myself to be a people pleaser, but when you think about what people pleasing really is, I found that I did at some point in my life, I had this feeling of that I had to be responsible for other people's emotions. And that came off of being the strong one and wanting to, I know I can deal with it, I know I can handle it. So, you know, it kills me to see this person, you know, feeling this way. So I'm gonna take on, you know, their stuff, and I I want to be responsible for their emotions. And then I just had to come to grips of it's too much. It's way too much, and that is not my cross to carry.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and look, when when when life happens and you know you're in need, people just disappear. Yeah, everybody goes back to the city.
SPEAKER_06Nobody cares when you're down, when you're happy, when you sad, when you glad, when you depressed, when you the the world keeps keeps spinning, everybody keeps moving. And so why are we so concerned with individuals that want to um deplete us? And we're just constantly giving, giving, giving.
SPEAKER_03And I think particularly, you know, I I know that that our platform, we have a lot of male and female viewers, but I think definitely from the female perspective, one of the one of the the things is we are we are trained to be that way. You know, we're trained to be saviors, we're trained to be always there, you know. Um something something happens, we come in and fix, you know, is we always have so we always supporting somebody and doing this, and it's gotta stop. I'm not saying you can't be helpful, but goddamn, you know, I'm sorry. Excuse me. I just gotta say it away.
SPEAKER_06You know, we we've talked about and we've hit on a little bit, you know, okay, it probably came from trauma, uh child childhood stuff. It's too much. Um for some people, it could be fear rejection because again, it goes back to you want to be liked, you want to be needed, you want to feel like you belong. So if I satisfy everybody, I'm not going to be rejected, right? I want a feeling of belonging um to somewhere.
SPEAKER_03And I just remember um join a church, join the sorority, you go go get you, go to the garden club, go go plant something.
SPEAKER_06And then everybody, and then everybody wants that stamp of approval.
SPEAKER_03Ride a bike, learn something.
SPEAKER_06Part of that is wanting to not only the fear of being rejected, but I want that stamp of approval. You're right. I want somebody to just pat me on the back and say, yeah, I like you. And they do, they do a good job of doing that. But and then they will because one thing I can say about people is that people are very intelligent and cunning when it comes to that kind of stuff. People will seek you out and they know exactly what it is that you need.
SPEAKER_02Somebody, somebody emailed me today about giving something, and I'm like, you know, I I I I I have the heart of a giver.
SPEAKER_03I I bless the Lord for that.
SPEAKER_02But I don't know these people. Yeah, it's like I I just I don't even know where this is coming from. Oh I just I'm just saying.
SPEAKER_06And I and again, for me, I don't care if you like me or not, you know, if my answer is yes, then I genuinely mean yes. Yeah. But if my answer is no, no, can't do it, then that's what I mean.
SPEAKER_03Listen, I hit delete. At mouse, I hit delete and then feel bad about it. Exactly. Moving on.
SPEAKER_06Don't feel bad about it anymore because nobody is gonna do that for you. And again, I think it's us really sitting down and getting to the bottom of why am I like this? And a lot of times I don't think we want to sit down and just look ourselves in the mirror and have those real conversations because sometimes it's scary. It's scary. And we may hurt, you know, too bad to go that deep and and to really think about why did I do that? Am I like this? Why did I do that?
SPEAKER_03I'm too smart, I'm too strong. I know better. So where did I?
SPEAKER_06So why and where? Is it a feeling of being?
Teaching Kids Not To Dim Themselves
SPEAKER_06Um, I never forget, and this was a long time ago. Um, one of the girls had a friend to come to the house, and we were always like, you know, that family, like, oh yeah, your friend wanna come over. Yeah, your friend can come over, blah, blah, blah. Had a lot of sympathy for this particular young lady. Her mom had passed away. Uh, she was living with her dad. You remember?
SPEAKER_03Yes, I remember this.
SPEAKER_06And I never forget uh it was like homecoming week or something at Trinity.
SPEAKER_05I remember.
SPEAKER_06And invited the girl over, and some type of way, I already had the outfit out for homecoming, whatever the spirit day was the next day. I remember. Well, she didn't have a particular outfit or whatever, and I was like, okay, you know, we need to go to the store tonight, you know, whatever. So we end up going to remember Justice? Justice was like the store back then. Took her to Justice. We should have bustok and we come back, yes, we come back to the house. Uh Shemiah comes in the room and tells me, Oh, I'm not gonna wear my outfit tomorrow for Spirit Day or whatever. And I'm looking at her like, girl, we picked this outfit out like days ago. Your whole spirit week has been laid out. Like, what is the problem? And they were so excited. So excited about it. And so the little girl ends up going home or whatever. I ended up sitting and having a conversation with Shemai, and I'm like, what's going on? Facts of life. Uh, you like this outfit yesterday, you liked it the day before. Like, we have spirit week laid out, planned out, what happened, what's the problem. Now, mind you, I'm only asking these questions because I already know the answer. Right. I'm now asking because I need for you to know number one that I know, and number two, I need you to talk to me so we can talk through this thing.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_06So started talking to her. I said, so what happened? She's looking at me like, I just don't like the outfit. What happened? That's just how you did too. What happened? Well, kind of scary. Kind of scary. She told me that it was ugly, that maybe she told you it was ugly because she didn't have an outfit. Remember, we just took her to get something, and for this particular young lady, it was kind of different because she was much taller, you know.
SPEAKER_03She was still a beautiful girl.
SPEAKER_06Beautiful girl, but you know, just a bigger size for her age. And so, no, we couldn't find something the night before that was gonna be, you know, as you know, great or whatever, but out of generosity and the kindness of our heart, we did what we could. But what I had to stop and explain to my child was you don't let somebody dim you and make you feel bad about something that you've been so overly proud about, oh, because. They don't have it. So now to please her, you've decided you're gonna wear something out of your closet because number one, you're a people pleaser, because now you're allowing this person not only to emotionally manipulate you, but now you're so concerned about taking on their stuff and trying to be in charge of their emotions. You can't take on their stuff. Don't do it. Don't do it. And so to please her and to keep her from feeling the way or being mad or being upset, you have now decided to change your whole way. Uh-huh. And so the the mom and me was just like, you're gonna wear this outfit tomorrow.
SPEAKER_03And did she wear it? Huh.
SPEAKER_06You better show ass. Excuse me. You better, you better know she wore that outfit. Because it was gonna be a problem. Okay. As my favorite saying was, it was gonna be hell to tell who? The captain. The captain. You're gonna wear this outfit and today. And if this person is truly your friend, it wouldn't have never been an issue. Yeah, it wouldn't have never been a problem. It should have been like, girl, that is so cute. I can't wait to see you in that tomorrow. Not, you know, make you feel like something was wrong with it, and now you don't even want to look at it. So yeah, and I had I had it's these little lessons as a child that you have to start preparing your kids for. Because trust me, people are already doing these things. We just didn't always know as a child how to identify it and to put it in some type of category. But you would be amazed at the things now that you look back on and you was like, huh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yep, that was people pleasing. That was it. Yep, when my little friends came over to play, and you know, I ran in the house and got them, you know, all these popsicles and popcorn and you know, all this stuff because I ain't want them to leave. And when they made, because my cousins used to do me like that. They would come over to play, and they would get mad at me about something. I'm leaving. My grandma used to be like, Bye. That's where you got from don't come back. That's where you got that from. Bye. Take your behind on home and so she can stay behind. And she would pull me to the side. Listen, when they do that kind of stuff, you let them leave. Yeah, you don't run in this house and start grabbing all kinds of stuff to persuade them. Yeah, all the chips, all the cookies, and because you just want them to stay and play with you all the time. Baby. The MM. If you being out there playing with them is not good enough, yeah, then they don't need to be here. But don't start that with people because if you start that now, the rest of your life, guess what you're gonna be doing? Yeah, giving them all the good, giving them whatever it is of yourself, your time, your money, yeah, your energy, everything, because people will identify that in you.
SPEAKER_03That in you. Yeah, I have my top, probably my top four or five, where it was my four or five top four or five mistakes were from based upon that emotion. Yeah. And I had to psychoanalyze that thing and really, you know, to this day I still get angry.
SPEAKER_06But uh but were you raised to like were you praised as a child when you was helpful? It was like, oh, thank you so much. Oh, that was so great. Like, were you praised as a child when you were helpful?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I don't yeah, I I don't think that that that my parents really like praised when about being helpful, you know.
SPEAKER_06Um were you raised to keep the peace?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, see, I wasn't.
SPEAKER_06I was raised to I mean, I wasn't raised to like just be a MFer. No, but I was definitely raised is I'm gonna be peaceful, I'm gonna be kind, MF Tennessee, I'm gonna be nice, but also please know that although I'm being raised to be a peacekeeper, I'm also raised to be a hellraiser.
SPEAKER_03Very direct.
SPEAKER_06So just depending on what the circumstances call for, yeah, you may get peacekeeper today. In a moment, you may get the hellraiser, because I can be both.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna turn some tables.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna flip them
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SPEAKER_06over.
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SPEAKER_06All the way on all fours. Yes. Because guess what? I was not raised to just always keep the peace.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_06And that's when people become people pleasing. And sometimes people are put into situations where they feel like, you know, I'm supposed to keep the peace. I want to be here. I don't want to.
SPEAKER_03And sometimes sometimes people come from places of, you know, you've talked on the podcast before about trauma and domestic violence, coming from a background where there was significant domestic violence. And with that, we always say, you either what run to it or run away from it. And in the running to it, you can find yourself as I had conflict all throughout my childhood. I saw all of this fighting and I don't like how it feels. Yeah. I see what it does. I just want to keep the peace. And it turns you into that.
SPEAKER_06One of my sorority sisters, she uh wrote a book.
Trauma, Survival, And The Peacekeeper Role
SPEAKER_06So this is, you know, no new news that you're gonna hear uh here in this moment, because you can go out there and find her book. Um, but in her book, she talked about as a child, she was passed around like from household to household to household. I read the book.
SPEAKER_03And that was a brilliant book. Took a lot of courage. Took a lot of courage.
SPEAKER_06Took a lot of courage um for her um to write it, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind us because she's written a book and put it out there. Um, Dr. Christina Mumfort McNish, uh, brilliant book. Find it is uh resilience to uh what's the name of her book? Rooted in resilience. That's the name. So shout out to Dr. Christina Massorar. But in her book, she talks about how when she was younger, um, how she had to go and stay at different, you know, households, um, aunts, uncles, whomever. And it sounded as though I don't remember, and I don't want to misquote her, I don't remember her in the book stating that she was a people pleaser, but thinking about the things that she was doing to want to feel welcome, yeah, to not want to feel like she was a burden, to not want to feel like, you know, I'm like I'm here, but I know you really don't want me here, but I'm gonna do everything in my power to make you want me to be here. So she over did a lot of things to feel, to want to feel accepted, to want to feel loved, to want to feel valued. And so that's what I mean when I'm talking about like that that childhood thing that can happen that is so deep that you become a people pleaser, you avoid confrontation, like all these things are lining up in your life the way they are because it started as a child. You were put in a situation where you didn't have no other choice but to become this person because that was your way to survive, right? It was survival, right? And so now you look up, okay, yeah, it probably started when I was nine, ten, eleven, twelve. But now I've realized throughout my life, I've used this to get things that I want. So if I'm overly nice, if I'm overly kind, if you know, instead of being a hailraiser, I'm a peacekeeper all the time. If I'm always apologizing, if I'm always saying yes, I'll be there, yes, I'll do it, yes, I'll give, yes, I'll go. Now these people like me. Now I feel accepted. Now I feel like I belong. It trains everything inside you to continue to be this person because I'm getting everything I think I'm getting everything that I want and everything that I need. But on the flip side, I'm drained, I'm exhausted. I really can't even tell these people that I'm giving, giving, giving to, and that I'm pleasing, pleasing, pleasing. I can't even tell them that this is a lot for me. This is heavy.
SPEAKER_03That's good, that's good. It can look so many different ways. You know, it can it can definitely look like look that like that person that's just yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But but it can also look like standing in the gap and doing something to really, you know, that you consider trying to help be helpful.
SPEAKER_06And so and even kids can be manipulators because they they grew up and they see it. And so you start at an early age and they definitely learn behavior. And parents, we have not, I don't think we understand that we we could play a role in it if when you see it and you don't hurry up and correct it and nip it in the butt.
SPEAKER_03I literally remember that memory of that whole about spirit week. Um, and you you handled it brilliantly.
SPEAKER_06I have another memory, and you know, it it kind of pissed me off a little bit. Um, this is with my my other child. She had this friend and she loved this little girl. I ain't gonna say the little girl's name. Love this little girl. Every weekend, she would be calling. My mama said, Can I stay over y'all's house this weekend? I remember this. Because she had one of those kind of mamas that every weekend she was looking for her child to go somewhere so she could be out and about. And I never forget, we went out to eat. Uh, we were at a restaurant.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I remember this. And baby, we were said, said restaurant was Olive Garden. Olive Garden.
SPEAKER_06We were sitting there, Olive Garden. The one right on Phillips Highway. So I looked at her. I said, You okay? What's what's wrong? Uh nothing. I'm just bored.
SPEAKER_03I remember that.
SPEAKER_06What? I remember that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06See, that's how mad I got. That's buffet. That's just how I went out. Okay, I said, so you bored? So I looked at Tatiana.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's just just your your body, your just I looked at Tatiana.
SPEAKER_06I said, uh, maybe she needs to call her mama.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06To come and pick her up since she's so bored. Yeah. Because that is disrespectful to you, yeah, as her friend, yeah, to be sitting here in front of her face. You talking to her, you laughing with her, and this little help for talking about she's bored. And we've given her room, board, and food over the weekend.
SPEAKER_03You better give me my tour of Italy back.
SPEAKER_06Baby, give me my tour of Italy. Goodbye. So, anyway, anyway, I had to start teaching them at a very young age to start to really pay attention to those kind of things because people will use you and use you and use you and in your face. Oh, yeah, act as though I really don't even care what you're doing for me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Of you know, whatever. Yeah. So the cost of being a people pleaser.
When Kindness Turns Into Expectation
SPEAKER_03Substantial. Even in my close to 50-year-old self, they still look good. Oh. I still tea, T, T, clock it, clock it, clock it. I'm still mad at some things that I've done in the past. Well, and I'm learning to try to forgive myself and uh because I do better.
SPEAKER_06I've weathered it with you. I can honestly say that people pleasing has cost you sleep, peace, peace, peace, confidence, money, money, peace, uh, respect for some, not on your end. Um, it can cost you relationships.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_06It can cost you your mental health.
SPEAKER_03Cut off now, my mental health. I mean, I'm not, I ain't go crazy.
SPEAKER_06Oh no, you didn't go crazy, but I'm just speaking of all the things that it can cost you. It can even cost you your identity.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you can get lost in.
SPEAKER_06You get so lost in doing for others, doing for others, doing for others that you forget.
SPEAKER_03God bless the Lord, I ain't get lost. Thank you, Lord.
SPEAKER_06Oh, I wasn't gonna allow you to get lost, babe. I was reeling that thing right on. Now, what you did prior to me.
SPEAKER_03That's the BS before Shantae. That's the same. Anyway, right.
SPEAKER_06Um, but eventually people stop appreciating your kindness and start expecting. Hold on, let me just slow this down. Yes, I'm like the pastor in the church. Let me just slow this thing down and let me say it loud for the people in the back. Sometimes people stop appreciating your kindness and start expecting your sacrifice.
SPEAKER_01Oh, they sure do.
SPEAKER_06Jesus.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that makes you want to mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Call his name.
SPEAKER_06You said it. You said it, you said it, you said it. That's when that sense of entitlement starts to sit in. And that's when they like, huh, she's gonna do it anyway. Like, I don't even have to put forth a whole lot of effort anymore because all I gotta do is dial that number and she coming. Because she gets or he gets so much out of this. They start to believe that they're doing you a favor. Isn't that crazy? You doing something for me that I need, but I'm doing you a favor because you need it more than I need it. Because you need that feeling of what? Yeah. You need that feeling of belonging, you need that feeling of feeling needed. So I'm doing you a favor, girl. Come over here and uh come over here and do this favor for me. That is so crazy.
SPEAKER_03It is.
SPEAKER_06So we gotta stop the foolishness. I know we're ready to play this game.
SPEAKER_03Let's do it.
SPEAKER_06It's just that this topic is so heavy, um, and it carries, you know, so much. So it's hard to like bring it in. Um, but yeah, I ain't saying yes to everybody. I'm sorry. We gotta stop the foolishness. All right, so let's go to our doper note.
Dope Or Nope Boundaries Check
SPEAKER_06Answering work calls, doper note, answering work calls on your day off. Nope. Nope. Although you do. Nope. You do, you know, answer. Next dope, a nope.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_06Cause you next dopanope, dope a note, loaning money you can't afford to lose. Nope. Nope. Don't even do it. Dope a note, saying I'm fine when you're not. Nope. That's a note for me. When I ain't all right, you're gonna know it. Oh, we know. Next note, dope a note, going somewhere because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Nope. Just say, I don't want to go. No, no, that ain't for me. No, catch me next time. Dope a note, feeling guilty for saying no. Nope. That's a no. Next one. That's it. I mean, you nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. What's the hardest no, though? For real. What's the hardest no you've ever had to say? The hardest no.
SPEAKER_03The hardest no?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, the hardest no. I'll tell you mine while you think. Okay, go ahead.
The Hardest No To Say
SPEAKER_06So, this was probably a couple years ago. My family was getting ready to go to Jamaica. And um my mom, you know, was telling me about the trip or whatever, and then another time she was telling me about the trip again. I remember that. Then another time she was telling me about the trip, and I was like, finally, I was like, no, I ain't gonna go. I don't want to go. I'm good. Um that was the hardest no, I think, for me, because saying no in that moment, I realized that I had grown so much because I was saying no to a lot, not just to a trip to Jamaica, but I was saying no to uh previous unfair treatment. I was saying no to just, I'm not going to allow people to cross boundaries with me and then feel as though it's okay to come back and be like, oh, that's all forgotten. We're not even gonna talk about that no more. You never apologize, like nothing. So my answer was no. And it was a no for like so many things across the board. And that was hard for me because deep down inside, I really did, you know, part of me wanted to be with my family, part of me wanted to go and spend time with them. Um, but I had to say no to send a message not only to them, but I had to send a message to myself. Yeah, so that was my hardest no. I'm so you still thinking you know, maybe you're still thinking about it because you have yet to have a hard no.
SPEAKER_03I I have had a hard no recently, but it was it was a hard no that was kind of reflective. I was I was I was kind of in a in a bad situation at a family event. And um yeah, where I took a photo with my Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's that's the most recent thing that I remember.
SPEAKER_06Oh, and that's very recent. It was. That's very recent. It was, it was, it was um but I love the fact that we're getting to knowing that we're people pleasers in some type of way, form or fashion.
Choosing Peace And The Closing Challenge
SPEAKER_06And so there are things that we can do to stop the people pleasing. We can start saying no. Um, we can start choosing our peace over their approval. We can stop wanting to be liked or, you know, wanting the feeling of being needed. There's a lot of things that we can start to work on to say, you know what, people have benefited from my lack of boundaries, and I'm not, I'm no longer gonna allow them to benefit from in that moment.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_06So the new me is saying, No. Yeah. And that's okay. That's okay. So people who truly love you won't require you to lose yourself to keep them comfortable. Um, sometimes the most, I don't know, loving thing we can do for ourselves and others, whether they like it or not, is to say no without guilt. Um, boundaries don't end healthy relationships. They actually strengthen them. I know that sounds crazy. I know that sounds weird, but it does. You all need to hit us up in the comments and tell us when are you gonna start saying no? Have you said no? Will you ever set those boundaries? Stop people pleasing. All right, y'all. Bye. Stay dope.