Who Am I Now?

Who am I now?

It's a question many of us quietly ask when life changes. When children leave home, a loved one passes away, retirement begins, or a role we've carried for years comes to an end, it's easy to wonder where our identity fits in this new season.

In this deeply personal conversation, I'm joined by my mom as we reflect on caregiving, loss, resilience, and the quiet ways life continues to shape us. What began as a conversation about identity became something much more—a reflection on the people who build us, the seasons that change us, and the love that remains long after our roles begin to shift.

If you've ever wondered who you are after life changes, this conversation is for you.

Visit my blog to read my companion blog and view the pictures that accompany today's story. 

Every question is an invitation. Every conversation is another step on the journey.

If you'd like to spend a little more time with today's reflection, visit TotalTransformation.life, where you'll find my companion blog, photos from today's story, and more resources to support your own practice of intentional living.

Until next time...

Keep becoming.

https://www.totaltransformation.life/blog

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Who am I now? I don't think that's a question that we ask just once in our lives. I think we ask it every time our lives change. When the children leave home, when we retire, when a marriage ends, when we lose someone we love, or when a career comes to a close, when a season that shaped us quietly comes to an end. Welcome back to Becoming. I'm Carrie, and every week we begin with one question. Not because there's one right answer, but because I've come to believe that the quality of our lives is often shaped by the quality of the questions we're willing to ask. One of the things I've learned throughout the workshops that I've been teaching is this question of identity comes up fairly regularly, and it's very connected to the roles that we play in our lives. We're mothers, we're fathers, we're wives, husbands, teachers, nurses, employees. None of those roles are wrong. In fact, they're often expressions of who we are. We love deeply, we give generously, we faithfully show up for the people entrusted to us. But then one day, life changes. Not because we've failed and not because we've done anything wrong, but simply because seasons change and suddenly we're left asking a question we never expected. Who am I now? Over the past few weeks, I've been having several conversations with people who all found themselves asking the same question. At first, I thought I was going to record today's episode by myself, but after writing this week's blog, I realized there was one person I really wanted to talk to. My mom. First, I texted her because I had written about her a little bit in the article, and I wanted to make sure that she was comfortable with it. I didn't write a lot about my mom, but I did a little bit and about some of the things that she went through. And I just wanted to make sure that she was okay with me sharing that. So I had texted it to her, and then as she was reading it, I'm continuing to think on and I'm thinking about all these different roles that we play and all the different times in life that it shifts. And I thought, well, mom's been through that, and mom's been through that, and mom's been through that. And I just think that it is a really great conversation to have with my mom. So then I asked her another question and I asked if she would be willing to come on the podcast. And my mom is here with me today. So, Carol, I guess, to introduce you to everybody. Mom to me, Carol to everybody else. Um, thanks for doing this with me.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Oh, no problem.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Well, as I was getting ready for it, I was just kind of thinking about all of the different roles that you have had over your lifetime. So you were 19 when you got married, and at 21 you became a mother. I was young. And your father had just passed away.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

A year prior. That's correct. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Yep. I missed him terribly. And that's why some people thought I was getting married as early as I was, because I missed my dad so much. I remember you saying that. They didn't know if it was right for me to get married yet. My mother especially didn't think I should get married yet. But I didn't date a lot. And when I did meet your dad, I had this feeling of tingling that you hear about where they say, Oh, when the right person comes along, you're gonna feel something special. And I felt that. And we were only actually together as a couple for six months before we got married. And I still feel to this day it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't interested in anybody else, but when I met him, something something clicked with me and away we went.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

See, it's a good thing we brought in the box of tissues because that's making material already. So you guys got married, and we actually I was born in Missouri, so we lived down south not for too long. By the time Chris was born, my my uh next brother, he I was two, almost two.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

And we'd moved to Buffalo.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Yep. Yep, to Hamburg specifically. Yeah, yeah, we lived in Missouri.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Which is where you're you were from, right? Was the Hamburg area, Waterloo and then Hamburg. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

We lived in Missouri for two years before we moved back to New York State. And and that, yep, that's where Chris was born in Buffalo.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

And then Dad wanted to come back up here for work, and you didn't necessarily want to go.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

I didn't want to move up to Morristown where we lived in Missouri, was all small towns, and you would drive 30 miles to the next town, which would be absolutely nothing. And I wasn't real thrilled with that coming from Hamburg and working in Buffalo, where there was activity and things going on, and stores and and that kind of stuff. And and when we moved back to Hamburg from Missouri, uh that was fine with me. That was my home place. But to move up here to that same Missouri kind of atmosphere, I fought uh for two years before I agreed with your dad to move back, move up here to Morristown.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

You were also very close with your family, and your family was there.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Yep, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

But you eventually did move up here to the North Country.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

And uh you we lived in an apartment for a couple years, and then you and dad built the house that I live in today with my son. Right. And actually I love I just looked at the pictures the other day, and the land was completely like wooded.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

It was all brush and trees, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Yeah, and I always tell people the story about how um you had to do everything by hand, like hand saws and everything, because until you had a standing structure, they wouldn't bring power to the property.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

That's correct. Had to do it, had to do it all by hand.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

And it was you and dad.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Yeah, it was just just us, and um, and that was really the only way we could do it. If normal people will build a house, they'll build a whole wall and stand it up. I wasn't strong enough to do that, so we literally built it board by board.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

I remember, and then as soon as we could move in, we got out of that apartment in Hammond, and I can remember certain things. So I would have been second grade when we moved here, and I can remember like the dishes were we didn't have a kitchen sink, we had a bucket on sawhorses, the green basin that still is under my sink today.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Well, yeah, we didn't have cabinets or anything.

unknown 7:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

When we moved in, only one side of every room was sheetrocked. Yeah, there weren't any eaves in yet. So at night, when we turned the lights on, everything and its brother would fly in into the into the house. And I will remember that your dad, Jim, went to bed, and I stayed up and watched the Olympics that year. And but I had to watch in the living room and pay attention to what was possibly flying into the house. Oh my god, I didn't run around for a while before we got the funny before we got it to where it was a little more closed in.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

I remember we didn't have carpet, it was on a cement slab, there's no basement. So I can remember the one of the funniest memories I have is so Chris was not in kindergarten yet, or just in kindergarten, maybe a half day, and I had to go to school before him. But I was in second grade, and I love these stupid little clogs that I had, and they made the noise on the cement. Chris would get so mad because every morning I would clunk up and do my gloves so I could hear them make noise, and he would get woken up.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

I don't remember that, but uh I could believe it. Everything was cement and echoed a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Yeah. So so uh dad used to work in the mines. Um, and then for a while they had him traveling to troubleshoot jobs in like North Carolina, and I don't remember where else he was. He went to Boston too.

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Before he went in the mines, he worked for uh a year or two with his uncle in carpentry. Oh, yeah, yeah. And building houses and docks and things like that, and he did carpentry work with him, and um Jim's dad was in charge of the Northeast drilling operations, so that's when he was offered the job to go work in the mines in Guminora and worked there until he had to retire. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

And then when I was in third grade, you got pregnant with my youngest brother, Adam. So he was born here, but um, it wasn't too long after that that dad was diagnosed with polycythemia vera and high blood pressure, high blood pressure, he'd had that for a lot of years, right? And he had it starting at a very young age. Yes. And then, but I think I was like 13 when he was diagnosed, and before long he couldn't work. He had to, he had to retire. I guess your role shifted a couple different times in there because first he had to go away and he was working, he would be gone for a couple weeks at a time. Right. And then you were the one that was doing everything at the house. Right. So you got used to being like the primary. I mean, you were always the primary child care, you know, like you were always that, but it was more than that. Then then, like you took care of everything around the house.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

And during that time that he worked out of state, my mother had to move in with us as well. Oh, I didn't even think about that one. She had declining health, a couple heart surgeries, and she couldn't live alone anymore. Yeah. And we didn't build a house big enough for the third child. That was a surprise. Or then to add my mother to the group, so we had to put an addition on the house. Yeah. She's a dictionary. So that we had enough bedrooms for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

And I shared a bedroom with grandma for a long time.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

You did until we got the addition done. That's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

She always used to ask me if I had had any beer stashed anywhere that I could give her.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Yeah, yeah. And she smoked like a chimney. But your dad always thought was, well, you might smoke because we had cigarettes in the house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that went on for three years. Yes. Before she passed.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

And then, and then um, and then he couldn't work anymore, and then he became disabled.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

I can't remember just how old you were, but he had to retire. He was actually having some um little mini strokes, and things were bad enough that he had to re retire. But we fought for three years for him to get on Social Security disability. Finally got awarded, and that was a very stressful time. Yeah. Because it was my income and in much of anything else.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Gone back to work at that point, like part-time to start with.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

Yeah. So that was that was stressful. We had to hire an attorney, and we did finally, he got approved for it, and then we got retropaid. And I can remember when he was finally done with the court system, they awarded him having social security disability and not being able to work at all. And um, and then we got the check, and I can remember I sat right down and cried because we were in debt and just didn't have enough money to make ends meet. So that was a big transition for us when that got approved.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, so you had to become the primary uh breadwinner for the you were it was only your income for three years.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Right. He got uh he must have gotten unemployment or something for a little while when he couldn't work, but but it took just almost exactly three years before the courts finally said enough he can't work and awarded him the yeah the diagnosis of having to have social security disability and that work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

And so at the same time as that happened, then you also started to become the primary caregiver for him because he started to have a lot of health problems. And there were a lot of years where he was good, a lot of times where he was good, and a lot of years where it was that it was really bad.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Yeah. With his uh initial doctor appointment, it was because he was having the uh little mini strokes, and his high blood su high blood pressure was way out of control. And but then came the diagnosis of the polycythemia vera, and he had to go on oral chemotherapy for that disease, which led to a lot of other problems as far as down the road as things progressed, kidney failure, severe neuropathy, and uh those kind of health issues.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

I mean, he started out having when his kidney kidneys failed, he started out doing the peritoneal dialysis where he could do it himself at home four times a day.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Four times a day, yeah. And it would take a couple hours each time you know to do the peritoneal dialysis, I would say it was only about 45 minutes to do that. Uh which which he could do himself most of the time. Yeah. If he was tired or something, I would set him up with a with the exchange of what had to happen to cleanse the his kidneys out and so on.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Yeah. But then it got to the point where the peritoneal wasn't effective enough and they wanted to do uh hemodialysis, yeah, but he didn't want to go in center. And he wanted to do the home hemodialysis. And you actually went through a ton of training.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Yeah, it was about six weeks of training to learn hemodialysis. Um, and that was that was definitely a scary time.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Um you didn't do it for too long, did you?

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Did it for maybe five or six months, but he ended up with an infection and had to do in-center. Actually, he ended up at that time having an infection in his heart. And so he had the surgery and he had to go to hemodialysis, and that was in-center. And um, we had the option when he got healthier again to resume home hemo. But home hemo is a scary situation, and even though I went through the training, it was very scary. He tended to throw clots in the catheters, and if I made a mistake, it could have cost him his life.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

And uh, so after he had that surgery and healed, and they said you could restart the hemo, I said no. They said it needed to be in-centered, and you can't do everything at home hemo to help cleanse the system like you can do through in-center hemodialysis at the center with the renal centers. So I felt that was better for him. And home hemo was six days a week, and now that one took probably five to five and a half hours to do uh and it was it twice a day? No, it was once a day, and I had one floating day a week when you didn't have to do it at all, but six days a week you had to do the hemo. So I would go to work, come home, make supper, and we would have to go through the procedure of getting him hooked up to the machine. Because of his size, it took a little bit longer than what they had told me it would take. And it took closer to five, five and a half hours to go through the whole cycle of cleansing his blood and getting everything shut down and cleaned up afterwards.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

So every single basically every single minute of every day for quite a while. And then and then also he has all these doctors' appointments in the middle of it, so you're leaving work for doctor's appointments.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Yep. Yep. He was still doing hemodialysis when he had to have his knee replaced.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

And um, so we throw a few of those things in on top of all his other health issues, and it was a struggle for him, but it was also a struggle for me.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

Yeah, but it was it was a huge part of your life taking care of him. And then that, I mean, he lived until he was almost 60, right? Almost right, but he would have 60. Oh, he turned 60 and then passed that December. But I mean, I was diagnosed when he was I was a teenager. I mean, he had to have been early in his 30s, in his mid-30s when he was diagnosed. And at that point, do you remember when he was diagnosed and they said you have a year to live?

SPEAKER_02 16:54

They gave him a few years to live, but they didn't know. They said he the disease he had, the polycythemia vera, was usually seen in older people, the onset. Because he was so young when it started, they just had really no idea how long. But when we went to Syracuse, they said that they didn't think he would live beyond five years. But they really just didn't know for sure either.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

There were so many times over those years that we thought we were gonna lose him, and that he was in the hospital, I mean, unresponsive, and then he always pulled himself back out of it. Like there were times where we really thought we were gonna lose him.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Yeah, yeah, could have could have very easily gone the wrong way if he didn't have good enough doctors to help get him turned around and back on his feet. And there was more than once when he said, I'm done. Yeah, and I just can't go on, it's just too hard. And he started having problems with dizziness and falling quite often.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

And and he was hard to get back up off the ground.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

Yeah. You know, you're put in those situations, but you learn to adapt a little bit. So that I learned how to get him up into a chair or into a chair and then into the bed. Uh, you know, you adapt and you'll learn a little bit as you go. We were able to make it work most of the time, but we were lucky that he never really broke anything or got hurt with his falls because when he would get light-headed and pass out, he just went down.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

I remember I brought him home from dialysis one time when I was working at Northern Physical Therapy there. I I was right next to the dialysis center, so I would bring him home on lunchtime. It just like worked out that I would bring him home. And I can remember driving home, and he's in the passenger seat, and I had a Jeep Wrangler at the time, and he and he passed out and like fell over on me when I was driving. I just about had a heart attack. It was scary. Yeah. Scary.

SPEAKER_02 18:52

Yeah, when he went out, that was that was it. And that one was surprising because normally if he was sitting, he didn't do that. He would do it more if he was standing or walking, yeah. Uh and not sitting down.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

I also remember another time uh during that same time period where you just needed a break. You needed a break from it. I don't know if it wouldn't have been during the home hemodialysis because I couldn't have stepped in for any of that. But you went to Buffalo to visit your sister. And I came, um, I think I only spent one night with him. Adam might have, my youngest brother Adam, he might have spent the other night with him. But I can remember at he also was always terrified at night. Like terror, he had a lot of a lot of bad nightmares, and he would just get really scared. Really scared.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

And actually there was one hospital stay where I feel like I feel like that happened. It was like the meds that he was on kind of changed something. Was what didn't he have a reaction to one? Was it hypothetical or something like that?

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Or the oxy. No, he was um that was actually when his sister was here and his mother actually were here visiting and he had uh an episode that he had to go by ambulance to Watertown. And when he got there for the pain from the neuropathy, basically, uh they gave him uh the shot of morphine. Oh, yeah. Gave him morphine. So his sister and I followed and went down to the hospital. It was had to have been fairly late, nine, ten o'clock at night when that happened. But I knew that they had given him too much because he was seeing things. And uh so we had to stay falling on the wall. Yep, yep. And his sister sat on one side of the bed and I sat on the other, and when I would see his focus change to the wall or towards the window, uh, I knew that he was starting to see something. So we'd I'd just have to lean right in front of his face and say, You're okay, you're okay, we're right here. And after we were all said and done, and he got through that, and the nurse I told her, I said he was given too much. Um, because he's never reacted like this before when he's had been given pain medication before, she swore it was the right amount. But when he finally got out that that out of his system and was doing better, we left. And when he got out of the hospital after that trip, and we and he came home, I think it was within a day or two he came home. But what he could remember the most, every time I leaned in front of him to change his focus from whatever was appearing before him to looking at me, he could just remember my hair being in his face. He could remember my hair hanging there. But it was the only way I could keep him from completely losing the freaking out.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Well, I remember that weekend, um, he was too he didn't stay alone at night. Like he couldn't stay alone at night at that point. He was scared. He was just scared. And uh so I can remember him being scared that night, probably because you weren't there. And uh, you know, what if something happened? But I laid next to him on the bed and I read whatever book he was reading until about 4 30 in the morning when he finally drifted off. And I can remember thinking, I don't know how you do it every night. Like that was a lot to do for one night, I felt like like to, you know, to try to manage how he was right. I mean, he was probably a little bit more scared not having you in the house.

SPEAKER_02 22:29

I was gonna say I didn't I didn't have those kind of episodes a lot with him, unless he was really not feeling well because I was there with him and he was safe, he felt safe. He felt safe. And he usually would either fall or do something the night before I was scheduled to go to my sister's in Hamburg and visit. But usually one of you covered for me because I I just needed to get away for a couple days once in a while.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Yep. And it probably was a relief to get away, but it was probably also scary to get away at the same time because you were probably worried.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

It wasn't too bad because I knew you guys knew what was going on and would be able to help him whenever he needed it. It was funny because when Adam was with him, he wasn't supposed to have any kind of peanuts and things like that. And there was a bag of pistachios in the house. And when I got back from one of those weekends, his numbers were way off. And I found out that they ate that whole bag of pistachios and said something, and Jim told me something about eating the pistachios and that Adam had gotten them for him. So then he got after his dad, said, Thanks for throwing me under the bus on that. And I said, Well, he didn't know, he didn't really know, I don't think Adam didn't know, but yeah. So he would pull some of those tricks if I was away, and it was hard for him not to drink. Yeah, and it was hard for anybody else to monitor that as well. I couldn't monitor that all well because I was working, yeah. So he was always chewing on ice chips, yeah, and he would overdrink sometimes so that he'd be too full of fluid for his next dialysis and have to pull a lot off. Yeah. It was hard, it was difficult for him. Very difficult for him. Oh, that perfect.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Yep. Yeah, I can't imagine like if you're thirsty, not being able to down a bottle of water if you want to.

SPEAKER_02 24:28

I couldn't even keep iced tea in the house uh anymore because he just could not stay out of it if I wasn't home, if I was at work or something, and he would overdrink. And so it was a hard road for him too.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

So then eventually one of the times he went into the hospital, he didn't pull through and he passed away when he had just turned 60. So that was in 2015. It's been wow, 11 almost 11 years now.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah. Yeah. Yep, December 7th of 2015. And at that point, he'd been on so many narcotics because the neuropathy, he was on oral chemotherapher for 15 years, and that did his nerve endings in. So that he couldn't do we used to have the horses and working in the barn, he couldn't be in the barn.

SPEAKER_00 25:23

Oh, that was another thing that you had on your plate during all of that was taking care of a horse farm by yourself.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

And he couldn't mow anymore. The vibration of the mower made his feet hurt too bad. And he was on all kinds of narcotics to try to keep those under control. But he was taking the most. They put in a spinal cord stimulator in his back to try to throw off the pain, and just nothing he had a spinal, nothing would work. And the even the narcotics weren't working anymore. And um we couldn't stop the pain. And it really wasn't the kidney failure that did him in or strokes or a heart attack. It was the fact that we could not stop the severe pain in his lower legs and feet.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

That he was completely sedated to be out and um just couldn't do it. And he went in the hospital, yeah. And he came back from his last dialysis trip. I was in his room waiting for him to come back. And he was in a wheelchair and his whole body was shaking. And when they brought him in after they got him in bed and stuff, I said, How did they even do dialysis on you with you moving like that? And he said that it just wasn't easy. And that was the last time he had to say to me, I can't do this anymore. He had said it once or a few times before that. But you knew we hadn't done everything, tried everything that might possibly help relieve that pain, and he would always give in and say, Okay, I'll keep going. But I knew that this trip when he said that, and my promise to him was when he said that, and I knew there was nothing else we could do that I would honor whatever it wish he wanted.

unknown 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

And that was to let him go.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

And he had that discussion with all of us.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

I made him have that discussion with all of you. I wanted, when the decision time came, whether we would do any more dialysis, um, I wanted it to be a unanimous decision between all three of you and me. But I also knew that that was a promise that he and I had talked about for the previous five years, uh, that I would promise not to make him suffer beyond what he could felt he could do. And he had tried several times and kept going, but I knew that this trip we just had to let him go, and I would have said we're gonna let him go, but I was just very glad that I said you talk to all the kids so that they know what you're asking of me and the decision that we'll have to make down the road. And I was very glad he had that decision. Yeah, that you knew it was not just me making that decision that that was what he asked for, and and the realization was there that we could not stop that severe pain, and that was not a quality of life that I would ask anybody to live.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah. And we so we knew that once it got to that point, and he he was not conscious when we made that decision. That's right, and just not to go to dialysis because we knew it would only and it was only a couple days, right? Two days after that.

SPEAKER_02 28:30

Yeah, yeah, the gal was sitting outside his room that day that he was scheduled to go to dialysis, and she thought that that's what he was gonna do. And when we made that decision, after talking with the doctor, actually, we asked his doctor um what he would do if that was his father, and even his doctor said I would let him go. And um, so I went out and told the gal that he was not going to be going to dialysis, and she had this shocked look on her face. He's not, he's not going to go. I said, No, he's not going to go anymore. And she left, but I often wondered what she thought at that time. But that was what it had to be.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

So then your whole life just changed. Like you, it was consumed every every day, every all for you know, so many hours of every day. You're still working, but you're you took care of him all the time.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

It was a relief. At first, I remember coming home from the hospital after he passed, and Chris and I were sitting in the living room, and I said the knot in my stomach was gone. And Chris said, Mine too. At that point, it was really more of a relief because he just couldn't go on, and he'd been through so much and tolerated so much, and he tried everything he possibly could, and it was really just a relief to know that he was no longer in pain. And that that body he was done with, he didn't have to take that with him, and he was gonna be able to walk again and be pain-free.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

And um there was no doubt it was the right decision.

SPEAKER_00 30:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

And that makes a difference.

SPEAKER_00 30:22

So he died on uh December 7th. Yeah. And so Christmas came shortly after that.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:28

And that was uh, we all I remember all being here to decorate the tree because you didn't really want to put up a tree.

SPEAKER_02 30:34

Yeah. Well, we got the tree put up before he went in the hospital, but we didn't have it decorated.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

Yeah. And I remember us all coming over and decorating it with you.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Yeah. And I think that after, yeah. I think he had already the day or two before he went in the hospital, he put up all the outside lights on the house on the ladder, which he didn't do because the ladder hurt his feet.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

So it was kind of a funny There's a few things that happened where it's a funny thing, like you feel like he knew.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Yeah. But to put those lights up while I was at work, um it must have been awful for him to do it. It had to have hurt his feet. Now, granted, we didn't put up as many lights as we used to because it just was too much work, but but he still got up all we needed for the Christmas. And then uh that was the last thing he did.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

So in the time after he he passed, like your your role or like role or your idea it was a huge part of your identity being a caretaker. Like how how was that, like that shift, that change? Like how did you even manage that?

SPEAKER_02 31:46

Well, there were obviously tears during that, and it was it was somewhat odd coming home from work at night and not having to do anything medically related or fix anything or make try to make things better or whatever. I would come home from work and eat, but then it was I had the feeling like, why do I even bother to put on pajamas to go to bed just to get up in the morning and put my clothes back on and go to work? It was kind of an odd sensation.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

I remember coming over and you not starting a fire and just sitting in your coat because you didn't it was just you and you're like Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:29

Because I didn't keep the fire going all night.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

But you lose a little sense of purpose.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

For sure. Uh like I said, I I I couldn't even figure why I'd bother getting undressed at night just to get dressed and go back to work the next day. Yeah, it it seemed like a waste, a waste of time and energy to do that.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

Yeah. And a lot of times when something like that happens, like at first everybody's around, but then you go back to normal life and it suddenly life goes on and your life is altered, but other people go by with their life going on as usual. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

And and that leaves you leaves you with a mixed feeling of I'd have to say maybe even a little resentment that your life has changed drastically on a couple different levels between changed and not worrying about his health if he was gonna hurt himself while I was gone, or or what I would have to do for him when he got home, to to not worrying about anything and not knowing now what to do with yourself. Yeah. So we'd sold the horses by then because I couldn't care for him and to take care of four horses and so there really wasn't a lot left to do for me other than go to work. And there was a lot of days that some things just felt pointless without a lot of direction to what changes you could make.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

So eventually like I'm happy to say that last year you remarried, but I can remember a lot of years afterwards, the first few years afterwards, you vowed you would never remarry. Never remarry.

SPEAKER_02 34:23

I didn't plan on it. I we were married for 40 years, and I said, You're not going to probably get that again. Um and I had no desire to even have to worry about somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

Once you adjusted.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

Once I adjusted and be able to come and go as I want and and um not think, well, if I'm gonna go, how am I gonna get this covered or how am I gonna get that covered?

SPEAKER_00 34:49

You could just go.

SPEAKER_02 34:50

I could just go.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

And you did do more of that. I did.

SPEAKER_02 34:53

You traveled more to your sister's and yeah, I matter of fact, I didn't even have Thanksgiving with you guys. I started going down to hers and had Thanksgiving with her, and we put up their Christmas decorations after after Christmas, or after Thanksgiving rather, for Christmas, and you just kind of reroot yourself a little bit. And uh it became easier, obviously, you know. Like I said, I could go do anything I wanted and not worry about coverage.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Did eventually that start to feel better? Like actually you start to enjoy that freedom?

SPEAKER_02 35:29

Yeah, oh yeah, I did, and that was another reason why I figured I would not get married again, because um I didn't want to worry about somebody else, and I liked the feeling, got used to the feeling of that freedom, and not answering to somebody and say, gee, is it okay if I do this? Or have any other opinion but my own.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:50

On what I wanted to do.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

Actually, last Thanksgiving, it was we were doing Thanksgiving a little early at my house here at our at the home at the home that you and Dad built, and my son was going, I think he was going down to his girlfriend's in Utica. So we had decided kind of last minute to do an impromptu like Thanksgiving dinner. And you and I threw it together in a day. One day. I had to have the turkey in like water thawing because I couldn't even, I didn't even have enough time to buy a turkey that was thawed out. But um, but we pulled it all together in one day, and it was the first time in 10 years, 10 years that we had a Thanksgiving together. Yeah, and it was actually so wonderful. It was really, really wonderful. And it but it took took that long to be able to do that again, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 36:40

Right. Well, five years after Jim's passing was when I started dating the man I married last year. But we always went to his mother's for Thanksgiving after that, so I never resumed anything with my family or even going to my sister's anymore. We went to hers, her health wasn't great, dementia issues and things going on there. But um, I was talking on the phone, I think, with my sister, and I had said to her, I said, I haven't had Thanksgiving with my family in five years. And um, and we were living together, but we weren't married yet. And he said, you know, I never thought of it that way. So that's when we started talking about redoing Thanksgiving, and we did it that weekend before, and then I and then we went down to my sister's for Thanksgiving. Yeah. So I had both Thanksgivings, but that was the first one, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:34

Yeah, ours was it was a couple days before Thanksgiving, but it was really nice. And it was, it was like I said, last minute, and we were flying. You and I were flying to get everything together.

SPEAKER_02 37:45

You already bought stuff for Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00 37:47

I went back to the store after we planned the first just gonna do four people, but then I was like, Well, I I should call mom and see if she wants to go. And then I was like, Well, I can't call mom and not call my brother, and then I can't call my brother without calling my other brother, and then everybody said yes. And then everybody said yes, and it just happened, and it was perfect. Really, really a great, great day. And it was great to do that after so many years.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

Oh my gosh, that was wonderful. And I I think we plan on doing that, working it out that way again. Yeah, and one of the most significant things I can remember, not only that everybody said yes, and in 24 hours, we you and I had put on a Thanksgiving dinner, but standing in one big circle in the living room and had Chris say a prayer.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 38:33

And that was just an unbelievable Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't have asked for anything better than what we had that last year. So I definitely would like to see that happen again because that was way too long not to be together with my family as well as his. So and we had a different Thanksgiving dinner with with his mom. We still everybody just scheduled it a weekend apart, and his mom didn't mind not having Chris or Thanksgiving dinner at her house on Thanksgiving. We did it the weekend after.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

Yeah, it was really, really enjoyable. And you know, there's there's something that I love about having everybody back here to the home that you guys built. Yeah like to have it here meant a lot to me.

SPEAKER_02 39:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That just couldn't have worked out any any better.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:20

Bob. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:21

There's well, that was certainly one of your big biggest times that you probably had to stop and ask yourself, like, who am I now? What is my purpose? When but but now you're remarried, and you did eventually start dating again. And like you said, you didn't expect it. You didn't actively like go out and look to date necessarily, but it happened and it happened, and it's really wonderful. And Tim is so good to you, and I'm so grateful for him.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

And and I remember that uh you and Adam's wife at that time thought we could go over to the winery and have another gentleman there that thought could just casually introduce me to or something. Uh and I said, Don't do that. It's going to be somebody I know, somebody I trust, and I want to be with. And if that happens, I I'll walk out. So that got dashed right away. The man I married, I had known since 1995. He was building code officer for the town of Morristown where I worked. He went on to another town a few years after that. But we always have remained in touch before that. So that's exactly what it turned out. He was divorcing and contacted me and we went for lunch. And it had been five years, four years since Jim had passed. And um it was exactly what I had said I wanted. It would be somebody I knew and somebody I trusted and was comfortable with to go out with, otherwise, I just wouldn't do it again.

SPEAKER_00 40:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

And oh, that was the beginning of that.

SPEAKER_00 40:57

Yeah, and it was certainly the right move. And that was hard for the family to adjust to. Yeah, yeah. Not as much for me. You and I have always talked about that kind of stuff, and I always but but harder for the boys.

SPEAKER_02 41:12

It was harder, especially for Chris. Chris and his dad were very close. And um he was the only one who took a few minutes when I said I wanted the uh unanimous decision to stop dialysis. And Chris leaned on the foot of the bed and said, I don't know. He said, Um, I don't want to let him go, but it would be for completely selfish reasons if I didn't. And then uh he agreed, which I was glad of because I would have gone that way anyway. Right. But it was, and they would have coffee in the morning, and he sometimes Jim was up to walking down to his house, or Chris would come up here, and they were had gotten very close during his sickness. And it was extremely difficult for Chris.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Yeah, and there were lots of times in your life that that happened in other ways too. Like remember when all of us were out of the house, how how much your life changed at that point, and it was just you and dad, and that was a whole nother time when your purpose was like your uh after school activities or sports, and you guys followed us for everything. And then suddenly where Chris went off to the military, I was in college, Adam eventually went off to the military too, and and I can remember you having a difficult time letting go of that as well.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

That phase of no kids in the house was difficult for me because that was our life was going to baseball games or basketball games or something that was going on, even if it was no more than doing laundry for the whole family and the kids. And I can remember crying over folding Chris's soccer shorts after his last game because I said he's all done with that, and I knew that things were going to change dramatically, especially for me, because uh the living of not having the kids in the house anymore or needing me anymore was a huge change. That was the next big change in my life, was when you guys went on and it was just Jim and I.

SPEAKER_00 43:18

Yeah, I that was a difficult transition. I definitely can relate to that when Will went to college. I had a hard time too. Like suddenly I had all this free time that I could focus on myself again, but I was too sad to do anything with it. Yeah, yeah, you know, it was like some days I would feel good about it and I would be excited. You started going back to the gym, you started doing filling your evenings with other things. Um yeah, and there were days that were good, and then there were times where I just things felt so quiet. Yeah, it was just me and the cat, and it was and I live out here with nobody else, and it was really empty. It was. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

The transition from raising kids to them not needing you anymore after investing so many years in it.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:06

Is a very difficult transition.

SPEAKER_01 44:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:10

Some ways more difficult than in Jim's passing because Jim was so sick it was a relief to see him out of pain. And then there was a lot of feelings of of relief at that point. And that doesn't happen with the transition of your kids not needing anymore.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Yeah. Do you remember the part I wrote about in the article that I wanted to talk about too was when your brother got sick and he was diabetic, but he at that point had started losing, had a leg amputated, like the bottom half of his leg. And his wife was in a wheelchair as well. Right. So they were both uh needing a lot of care. And your instinct that wasn't too long after dad passed. Right. And your first instinct, well, it was a little bit, I guess, because you were had started just started dating Tim when that happened. And your instinct was to bring them here. Like to bring them here and take care of them. Because you had always been that kind of a role for everybody in your life, the provider role, the stable one, the the one that is going to get things done no matter what. Right. You know, you're you're gonna set your emotions aside and you're gonna get it done, and that's the way that it is. Like that's just the way that you are, that's the way that you're built, and that's what a lot of years of your life has has made. You've had to do that, right?

SPEAKER_02 45:29

Yeah, no, well, my brother had different reasons of dialysis and his health things being diabetic, and he would get scared, but he was going through a lot of the same things Jim did for a different reason the diabetes or the disease that Jim had, but the dialysis and the process of getting ready to do dialysis, and he had heart issues, had to have heart surgery. There was a lot of similarities. So I just felt like um, and we were very close. Uh uh, but I felt like I could be a big advantage to him because he would get so nervous and scared about what was coming up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

And there's no doubt in my mind that you you would have been had that happened for sure. But at the same time, you were just starting to regain your own life, your own identity, rather than being just a caretaker or not just a caretaker, but a caretaker. You know, you started being able to do things that you enjoyed, and you'd be you had the freedom in those few years. You had started being able to go when you wanted to go or you know, do whatever you did. And uh, but I can remember how difficult that decision was for you.

SPEAKER_02 46:45

Yeah, yeah, uh, I'm glad I was able to do for him what I could do in relieving his mind and going and staying sometimes. If he was in the hospital to help cover his wife, who was my best friend in high school. Uh and um I don't regret helping him and taking. I know my sister sometimes thought that I was doing too much and it shouldn't be all be my responsibility, but yet it was my brother, and I knew a lot of what he was going through because of Jim. Um and I I don't regret that. And if they would have moved up, he talked about moving up here, and I said I think that would be great, but my sister talked him out of that. That I don't know was if that was the right decision. I think that I could have done more for them up here with uh with us, but it didn't go that way, so I obviously did what I could to help him, yeah. And I don't regret that either.

SPEAKER_00 47:45

No, definitely not, definitely not, and I'm sure that you you got them through a lot of really difficult times.

SPEAKER_02 47:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:53

I am glad just for my own selfish reasons, because I want to see you be able to have the freedom that you have, and I knew that you had started to enjoy your life, yeah. Um, and it scared me because I didn't want to see you get tied down in the same situation where you were caretaking all the time again because because I saw that you were starting to be able to live your life again and kind of put yourself and your wants and desires like you're starting to be able to do that again.

SPEAKER_01 48:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:31

And I didn't want to see that change for you.

SPEAKER_02 48:35

I did have the added bonus, even though my brother needed help whenever I could give it to him. But the other transition of not having you kids in the house anymore and stuff, it wasn't too long after that, and grandkids started coming.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 48:51

So that was the next phase for me was being able to um devote so much time with everybody being close with all the grandkids, and that role is one of my precious, most precious feelings is enjoying the grandkids when they were young. Now they're mostly all older and out of the house and college and whatever, but but when especially when they were young, uh I could spend a lot of time with them, and that was a huge, huge change for me. That was absolutely oh yeah, I can't even put a price on the how I feel about my grandchildren. And that filled a void and took me to the next because now you got the traditional could have them over, spoil them, do this or that, and then send them home. And not have the responsibility of a parent, but still be able to have nothing but enjoyment with them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:48

Well, all the grandbabies always love their grandma Carol. Yeah, yeah. She would be riding Hot Wheels with them out in the front lawn. She was just as much a little kid as they were, I think.

unknown 50:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:04

And so now you have another time that you're just about to is you're about to retire.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

Yes. This year.

SPEAKER_00 50:12

And honestly, this one is I I am so happy for this because there were so many years that you didn't think you'd ever be able to retire, especially when you were the sole provider for our household. And it just didn't seem like a realistic thing for you to be able to do. And eventually your husband now pushed um for you to go back and get all of that in line. You've been at your same job for how many years now?

SPEAKER_02 50:37

37. 37. Oh, this month, July.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Yeah, and you uh had to do a lot of work, it's still not even all quite settled, but but he really pushed you to get what you deserved from that job. And you are actually going to be able to retire. And you guys have a beautiful camper. You're gonna do a little bit of traveling and have big plans for the next couple years.

SPEAKER_01 51:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:03

But is there any any part of retiring that scares you?

SPEAKER_02 51:09

There is a part that concerns me a little bit. So I've got this week off. The town shuts down for that week, for this week before the fourth. And sometimes I feel a little lost with how I'm going to spend my whole day. Now there's no kids in the house, so how much can you clean? Even you can't spend your days doing all that. Um some outside work, but not a lot. In the summer, I wasn't as concerned about it as I am the winter, because I don't do a lot of stuff outdoors. So that is a little concerning to me how I'm going to fill my day rather than just sitting on the couch and becoming a couch potato doing nothing while Tim can do any repairs or things that need to be done or he's always got a project, and it's not as hard for him to keep busy. And I'm not sure exactly how I'll fill my days being re retired.

SPEAKER_00 52:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:10

And Tim says, well, we'll we'll figure something out, we'll find a way, and uh we'll be doing something. And he's got some little side ventures that he's investing in right now that we could mean quite a bit of traveling for us in the little side business.

SPEAKER_00 52:27

And you guys do a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 52:28

And we and we love to do that together. We really enjoy our time together. So I'm thinking that that will help. I think it will too. Fill my days. But like he likes to snowmobile, but I get too cold. I get cold easy. So I'm not big on being outdoors. If my hands get cold, it's painful. It's not an option for me to be outside in the winter and do much. So yeah, that concerns me a little bit, but he says, Well, you gotta find a hobby. I'm just not sure what that hobby will be.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

I bet you'll find it.

SPEAKER_02 52:59

I think so. When you get put in a corner and you gotta figure things out, then you probably do.

SPEAKER_00 53:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:06

Probably will. And my sister's retiring in September.

SPEAKER_00 53:09

So that's right. So you guys will be able to do some little girl trips. And meet not little girl, yeah. Do some girl trips.

SPEAKER_02 53:17

Yeah, exactly. Yeah and get together and and meet and go here and there. And um when we finally went to the Finger Lakes for our honeymoon that you guys got for us when we got married, uh, we hadn't taken that trip, but she called and and they ended up going the same weekend we did, and we spent that week we just met there and had the weekend together, and I had a great time, and I can see more of that happening.

SPEAKER_00 53:43

Yes. And I love that for you. I am so, so happy. You said you're going this way one way or this summer, after the summer, one way or another. And I I'm very happy for it. You've put in so many years of taking care of our family in every way. Your siblings, your your children, your grandchildren, your parents, or well, your mother at least, you know. But um, I mean, you have had a lot of years of pulling the a lot of things together and really taking care of people. And I am so grateful for Tim. I'm so grateful that you've found somebody that is so good to you and and good to us too, not just you. I mean, he's just a really amazing guy, and I agree. He stays right on top of all of any kind of health, anything. Like he makes sure that you're doing what you need to do.

SPEAKER_02 54:42

And um oh, he watches me like a hawk if I don't feel good. Sometimes he goes too far the other way, but and he can tell immediately if something's not right, even if I am angry or appear to be angry or unhappy about something. Uh, whereas I would pretty much swallow any issues like that in the past, and that just drives him nuts. And he'll say, You've got to talk it out. And uh it frustrates me a little bit when all of a sudden he'll come up to me and he's what's wrong? And he not only will indicate that he knows something's off, but he's going to press me to get it fixed, and uh make sure that I'm not worried about anything or I'm not upset about something and to talk things out, and he will keep after me until I do talk, which I didn't ever have to do before, or didn't do, I should say, in the past. But he makes sure that happens.

SPEAKER_00 55:40

Yeah. Do you think that there's any of the times, the changes that we were talking about that was harder to let go of than the rest?

SPEAKER_02 55:53

Off the top of my head, I would have to say the hardest thing maybe the first hardest thing for me was my children leaving and not needing me. That was a very difficult transition time. Um health issues with Jim were difficult, but but you worked through it. But then there was the loss, the loss of him and now not knowing what my purpose is and what I'm going to do, other than I obviously enjoyed the grandkids and stuff, but but you're only gonna be with them for so long, and then you're gonna be home in an empty house. That was probably the second hardest transition was trying to find a different direction to go in. And what you were gonna do. Matter of fact, they had the jewelry, what was it, Leah Sophia was it called? Yeah, and I got the necklace with the bar, and one of the and you've put little charms on that, and one of them was a heart, because I love hearts, but another one was an arrow, and that went on because it was a point in my life when I was changing direction and moving and trying to figure out what that was gonna look like. So there were, I think, four or five things I put on that necklace, and I can't remember exactly what the other things were, but they kind of revolved around that transition of kids gone, yeah. You see the grandkids, but uh, you know, husband is gone, and I'm working and coming home, and what that transition was gonna look like, I wasn't sure about. So that one was a little bit harder and adapting to that, even though the fear of uh and the difficulty in Jim's health and him being in pain and stuff, but leaving that behind and going on to nothing that I knew for sure what I was I was gonna do was a hard transition.

SPEAKER_01 57:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:50

I would say those were probably the hardest for me.

SPEAKER_00 57:54

I have two more questions for you. Okay, I'm gonna make you think. If you could sit down with the woman you were at 19 and you could tell her about all the different versions of herself that she still had left to become, what would you say?

SPEAKER_02 58:15

Oh boy. Well, at 19, I hadn't really experienced much of life. Um so I didn't have a big change in my life because I really didn't do anything before I got married either. I didn't have enough time to go out and do anything or think about what was in my future until we got married. And then obviously the next transition of what you expect to become would be a mother. So that was a given. But to look down the road, I guess I would be would have thought I'm looking for a happy marriage and and uh life progressing as a couple and and the children and those changes. I had no idea about a work or a job like what I've had for so many years. Uh I never really guessed that I would have gone that route, but that's just the way that happened. Um I think that as life went on and difficulties arose, uh you look to that you've got to become a stronger person and be willing to not only stand up for those around me, whatever their needs were, but for myself, and be able to live life on whatever terms that I wanted as I could. And um and it's hard to explain it a little bit, but like even um even at work, you know, if I felt something wasn't right, or not that I was treated badly, I can't say that, but but something maybe needed to change, you know. I no longer had a fear or a weakness in not being able to stand up for myself and voice what I was feeling and become become a stronger person. But I had to grow into that a little bit as life forced me into that corner and being able to handle things that you just never would think about handling. I would never have thought about all the health issues Jim going through and and and what you had to do to get him through it as well as yourself. But the more you do that and you realize you have to take the lead, then you have to envision yourself as being able to grow and stand up and become independent in some ways because it just had nobody else really to rely on for one reason or another.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:57

You know, and your husband now, Tim, pushes you even further outside your comfort zone with that when he makes you talk no matter what.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:07

He does, and he insists on we're married, so we have to talk everything out, and I don't want you to feel that you are standing alone, basically. He wants to take me out of that realm of feeling like I still can make my own decisions and have a voice and have a say, but I don't have to do it alone. One of the biggest things with getting together with Tim, which is odd to think about, it just popped into my mind, is that I hardly I drive to work, but if we go anywhere, I did all the driving because Jim was unable to anymore. He couldn't drive anymore. But I don't drive anywhere anymore. So if you're not a passenger, you're paying attention to driving, whereas now I just enjoy being a passenger and and he does all the driving, and he doesn't want me to feel responsible that I have to take the lead on everything and rule everything, and that he's there and he's gonna work through life and we're gonna do it together. And and that is a definite, and he's so so attentive to my well-being and where I'm at. And if I get sick, boy, he's gonna he's gonna ask me every 10 minutes, what can I do for you? What can I do to make you feel better? What whatever it is, you know, what can I get you to eat? And um he's just taken over that whole lead, and it's not made it quite so much of a role for me anymore. Well, you deserve it. And I do that for him too when he gets sick, but but he does a lot, a lot for me. But he also knows that I've been through a lot and had to had to take the lead and cover so many things and um around the house and with kids or whatever was going on in his health that Tim wants exactly the opposite for me. He wants me to just be able to enjoy life. And he does whatever I want or whatever he feels I need to make sure that happens. But that would have been hard to say at a young age where I was going to be as I got older, because you just have to live through those experiences to go from one level to another level to another part of your life. As the people come and go out of your life, that changes. Uh especially with your family, like I said, with the kids and care giving not only to Jim, but my mother and my brother and whatever, you know, things just change. And they I feel that they made me stronger in a lot of ways. But to think that I would be doing that and have to do that at 19, I would never have guessed that.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:45

Yeah. Okay, last question. If you had somebody next to you today that was sitting in one of these transitioning transitions in their life, asking, who am I now? And not knowing what their purpose is, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:04

Well, that would depend, I think, uh, a lot on who that person is, male, female, and their age, life experiences that they've had, or what might be down the road for them. Um I think probably my biggest advice for somebody who's feeling lost or not sure who they are is to take things a day to a time. See what happens tomorrow. Uh see what bad you have to deal with, and take advantage of the good. Uh and do whatever you can to enjoy life. And when difficulties come, you have to try to rise to them, those situations. Learn to deal with them, but take it a day to a time in the tough times. And there are people who I've got a friend who just lost their sister, and it was it's still very traumatic for her. And a bunch of us just got together, and it's one of those things where you got to encourage being strong to move forward, uh, remember the memories in situations like that, and look forward to new memories and being able to deal with life, but take it a day to a time during the hard times and and enjoy life as much as you can. Um but if it was a young person, you don't want anybody to think you're locked into one person that you are that you're going to develop and your life is going to change, and you're gonna change with it to accept it enroll with it best you can.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:48

I love that. Thanks so much for doing this with me.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:52

Oh my gosh. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it. Thinking about things that maybe I haven't thought about in a while. Yeah. Yeah. And you get through it. And there's a lot of people in a lot harder situations than what I've been through. And all you can hope for is you do your best and learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat any of them. And but you're going to make mistakes your whole life. And you need to fix those mistakes best you can and move on. Because life just keeps going. And my ex-daughter-in-law, my favorite tattoo I think I've ever seen when she divorced my son, was on her shoulder, and it's a heart with a bunch of squiggly lines on it. And it says in the middle of it, life goes on. And that is just one of the best sayings I can think of. Life goes on. And that's what's happened in my life and happens in every everybody's life. And you just hope for more good than bad. And to develop and grow with it as you go through life.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:06

Well, I'm very grateful that you are where you are, for who you are, and all that you've done for me for all the years that you have. But I'm also really glad that you will be able to retire and that you have a husband that's wonderful to you and that you are going to be able to enjoy life a little bit and travel.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:26

And I'm looking forward to it. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:29

You deserve it. You deserve it.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:31

And the best part is he's been in the same boat with uh health issues and um had cancer back in 2016. It hasn't come back. He's been through a couple divorces, and he I don't know how many times has said that I'm the first person he's been with out of all of his ex-wives, that um I offer to take care of him as much as he wants to take care of me. And that just gives us a lot of purpose in life to take care of each other and enjoy life and do the things that maybe we neither one of us could do. So it makes it a good partnership for the moving forward in this in this part of my life, because that's what we both want for each other.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:17

And you guys have a lot of fun. We do have a lot of fun. You have you're very you have you're like little kids sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:25

We are, that's great.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:26

Yeah, like the time that you came over and said, we were playing hide and seek the other night, and I was like, wait, what? And it wasn't a bad thing. I was like, what are you talking about? Like, were the grandkids over? And they're like, no, no, no, just us. I love it though. Enjoy it, enjoy life because you deserve it.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:49

And that's what that's what I'm doing now, and I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:53

Not that you didn't enjoy all those other things either, but this is a little bit different. Different, different season, I guess, of your life.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:01

A different season. But it came from all the other past seasons that I've gone through. Yeah. Having my kids, getting married, having my kids, having grandchildren, dealing through deaths and dealing through health issues, and it's just been such a progression.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:19

You wouldn't be who you are today without it.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:21

It definitely develops your personality and what you're gonna do with your life. And um, and now I feel like I'm kind of at the pinnacle of my life, and the I feel like all those things have been dealt with and you've grown beyond and gone on, and I'm just looking to have a good time. Yeah. And you I mean you're gonna have bad times too. There's you don't ever get away from them, but it's just a completely different lifestyle than what I've lived for a lot of years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:50

Wow. I'm very grateful for you. I love you very much. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:54

I love you too. You're very welcome.