Episode #5 - The Power of Listening

In this episode of Inner Lights Studio, we pause to reflect on the deeper thread running through everything we’ve explored so far—connection.

What does it really mean to listen to our children? Not to fix, correct, or respond… but to truly understand?

Lisa is joined by a special guest—her husband of 30 years and a school administrator of 20 years—who brings both a parent’s heart and a leader’s perspective to the conversation. Together, they explore what kids need most from adults today, and how listening can shape trust, confidence, and a child’s inner voice.

This episode is a gentle but powerful reminder that connection comes before correction—and that the smallest moments of listening can have the greatest impact.

As always, this conversation is meant to extend beyond the podcast—into your home, your relationships, and the way you show up for the children in your life.

If this episode resonates with you, consider sharing it with a friend or continuing the conversation in your own circle—because this work doesn’t stop here.

Join my private Facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61587358019012.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hello friends. Welcome back to Interlight Studio. I'm really glad you're here. If you've been listening from the beginning, then you know this space is about something bigger than just parenting tips. It's about how we show up for our kids in the moments that matter most. It's about building homes where children feel safe enough to be themselves, strong enough to grow, and confident enough to use their voice. Because the truth is our children are constantly forming beliefs about who they are, both inside and outside our homes. So much of that comes from the ways in which we respond to them in those small moments, in everyday conversations, in the ways we listen, the ways we guide, and even the ways we correct. This podcast, it's really about helping us become more aware of those moments. Not so we can be perfect. There's no such thing, right? It's so we can be intentional, though. Because when we are intentional, we help shape something powerful in our children. We help shape their inner voice and their inner lights. That voice becomes the foundation for everything that comes next in their lives, and their inner lights give them permission to become and be who they truly are. Those lights empower them to stand tall and be confident and go out there and make a difference in the world. There's something else I've been thinking about too, though. This isn't just about what happens inside our homes. It's also about the kind of conversations we're willing to have with each other. Because when you take something you hear and you think about it a little longer, or you bring it into a conversation with a friend, or you share it with someone who might need it, that's connection too. That's exactly how this grows, not just as a podcast, but as a community of people who care deeply about raising kids, who feel seen, heard, and stronger in who they are. Today's episode is a little different for that reason. Instead of just rushing on and introducing something brand new, I'd like to pause for a moment and look back at the path we've started walking together over these first few episodes. Because when I step back and look at them as a whole, I see a thread running through it all. That thread is connection. And connection matters more than we sometimes realize. Because sometimes connection is what determines whether a child feels safe enough to open up or decides to keep things to themselves. It determines whether they come to us when something is hard or they try to handle it on their own. It's what shapes whether they hear our guidance or quietly tune us out. Connection is what keeps the door open between us and our children. And when that door is open, everything else becomes possible. So let's look back at the journey so far. In episode one, we talked about the idea that every child carries lights within them. Many lights made up of their curiosity, their confidence, their voice, and their sense of who they are. In episode two, we talked about letting ourselves be seen, about how children learn who they are through the ways that people around them respond to them. In episode three, we talked about affirmations and the words children hear about themselves and how those words begin to shape the way they speak to themselves. And in episode four, we talked about accountability, that children are capable of far more than we sometimes give them credit for, and that they need space to grow into that responsibility. All of those conversations matter. But today I want to talk about something that sits underneath all of it. Listening. Real listening. Not the kind we're halfway listening while we're also preparing our response. Not the kind where we jump in quickly with advice or correction. Because let's face it, we've all been really good at that, haven't we? I know I have. But I'm talking about the kind of listening where we slow down long enough to actually understand what our child is trying to tell us. Because being a kid is complicated. Probably more complicated than it's ever been. And it's inundated with all kinds of voices and things from the outside. They're figuring out friendships, identity, confidence, failure, success, and sometimes all that all in the same day. Here's something we have to remind ourselves of as parents. Childhood is supposed to be the place where mistakes happen. I'd like to be bold enough to say that school needs to be added to this place. School is also a place of learning, making mistakes and growing from them. This is the season, at home and at school, where they're meant to try things, to mess up, to say the wrong thing, and to make poor choices sometimes, and to learn from those moments. However, our homes are meant to be the safest place for that learning to happen. Not a place to where mistakes disappear, but a place where mistakes are met with guidance instead of shame, boundaries instead of rejection, and conversations instead of silence. But that kind of guidance only happens when we listen first. As I was thinking about this idea of listening and what it really looks like inside a home, I realized something. This isn't just something I've learned on my own. It's something we've lived. So today I want to invite someone to the table who's been part of that journey with me for a very long time. My best friend of 34 and a half years, and my husband of 30 and a half years. Yes, those habs matter just as much as the whole years. And truly, one is the most one of the most steady, thoughtful men and fathers I'm so proud to know. But beyond that, he brings a perspective that I think is incredibly valuable. He has spent the last 20 years as a school administrator, working with students from pre-K all the way through high school. He's had a front row seat to what kids are really dealing with, not just academically, but emotionally and socially. He's walked through hard conversations. He has supported families through difficult moments, and he's had to learn again and again what it really means to listen. Not just as a parent, but as someone with boots on the ground, seeing what kids carry every single day. And I can say from experience he's learned a lot. So today I'm really excited to welcome him into this conversation. Jay, I'm very glad you're here. Truly. Thank you for your participation in this journey, not just here on the mic, but all along the way too.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

Hi, how are you doing that? That was a pause. I didn't know what to do. I'm glad you're here. That's okay. I appreciate that you acknowledge the happier because they do matter just as much. Yes, they do. It's hard to believe looking across at you. 17 when we first met.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

17 years old.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Holy smokes. Imagine moms and dads, if you have a 17-year-old that they meet the person they're going to spend the rest of their lives with.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Holy smokes. It's a big deal.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

Yeah, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Glad to have you here. Yeah, of course. Alright, so let's just start here. This is a big question. From everything you've seen as a dad and as a school leader, what do you think kids need most from adults right now?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

So you mentioned intro when you were introducing me. By the way, thank you. That was really sweet. Um, that I've had a chance to work with kids anywhere from preschool all the way to high school as a school administrator, as a teacher, uh, and so forth. And the thing that I realize is that kids are consumers of technology and social media in a way uh that as adults it's hard to grasp. So they are on the receiving end of a lot, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

So with that comes, it's pros and a whole lot of cons. And one of the biggest ones I see out of that is there's no longer that conversation that occurs, right? Um, conversation's not like it was when we were 17 a bazillion years ago, right? Yeah, so true. So with that comes, opportunities for kids to be heard, right? I would say if I took an 18-year-old graduating senior and I took an incoming kindergartner, five years old, they're really not that much different.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Yeah, you know, I've I've learned that too over the years, and I used to be so afraid of the big kids because I started off teaching the kindergarten.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

They're just afraid of you as you are now.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Yeah, yeah, it's very true.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

So I think being heard, Lisa, you mentioned this episode is about listening. And to be heard, they need to first have an opportunity for someone to hear them, to listen. And unfortunately, there's not a lot of opportunities right now for kids to have that.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Yeah, I think that's true. And one of the things I think about a lot is whether or not they even hear their own voices. I mean, I really say that in in inner lights, I think that's true, but I see it daily in the classrooms. They they don't necessarily have their own voices. They speak about things they hear other people saying, but do they even hear themselves?

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Well, I think that's a unique perspective you've got that I I don't always get because I'm not sitting in the trenches of the classroom, right? But I think that's that's definitely the case. Uh I love that idea of inner voice, and what really gets me to thinking about that is that's not something you kids just do, or we don't just do as humans, right? And we have to have models for what that looks like.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Yeah, and it's not part of our curriculum at home or at school, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

There is no curriculum for home, is there?

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Please, where's the curriculum?

SPEAKER_02 10:59

I don't know. Um, that sounds really, really scary. Yeah, that like how do you model that conversation of being heard in that inner voice that's within that? So go back and think. If I right now or you and I had another kid in the house, give us five, but we don't, give me five.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

We just um love you, Austin, love you, Gorye.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Well played, mama, well played. But like, how do you go back and become a listener? I I go back to all the mistakes, the many mistakes I made as a dad coming up, and I still make as an administrator is that opportunity you want to be a solver, right? Absolutely, and dads out there, I'm telling you now, you're the worst. You're the worst.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Want to solve all the problems. Well, come on, moms want to fix all the problems too. Yeah, but I've got to be able to do that. We want our babies comfortable. We want our babies to have a soft life and feel comfortable and be happy, and yeah. So we're in that space too.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

But that's not what it is. Why are we telling our kids what happiness is? Ooh, future episode. Is it our job to tell our kids what happiness is? There you go. I like that one. I think of a few times we've totally messed up on that one. But that's for a much, much later episode, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:26

So let me let me go back to this a little bit. What do you think happens when kids actually do feel heard?

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Or what have we seen in our own home happen when our kids feel heard?

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Well, I'm gonna take some. It's been a while since we've had a kid at home. And so I definitely think that we've become better. Um me become better at being that listener, but when I take the current work that I do, is that opportunity when um kids come in and they come with a problem or they come with something they don't know how to handle, is to first ask what they're looking for.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:07

What do you need? Yeah, what do you what do you need? I had a really good friend I work close with, her name's Martina, and she has this thing that she did with her daughter coming up as she was growing and she's out of high school now, but it's the most brilliant thing I ever heard. And it started the conversation like this what do you need from me? What do you need from me?

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah, I don't think we asked that enough of our own kids, did we?

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Hey, no. I think hey, if you're listening to this, try it.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

Say your your kid is upset by something, or they're even throwing a temper tantrum or something. Just asking, what do you need from me right now? Calm? Don't have to solve anything. What do you need from me right now?

SPEAKER_01 13:51

I love that question, but I don't want to doggone ourselves either because I think we did a couple of things right. One of the things that you were better at as a parent than I was, and I learned from you, and it didn't happen until our kids were probably in middle or high school, was giving our kids a safe place with the promise of no recourse if they told us the truth. That we were okay with hearing hard stuff, and that really was hard for me sometimes because that meant I had to listen to things that the kids did wrong without giving place for punishment and and really meaning it.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah, for sure. So it'd be interesting to try this out. So I remember doing this with uh one of our team knuckleheads was talk to me about the worst case scenario consequence that could come from this thing, right? Play it out, write it down. What's the worst case? And then challenge that piece is what if it's not that at all? Yeah, what if it's not that at all? I mean, kids, I don't want to say don't tell truth or lie or anything like that, even though kids do that, is to come in and go, what if what if we approach this from a way that we can solve it together?

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yeah, I think because kids often don't tell the truth because they're afraid of the consequence.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Or they don't want to disappoint their parents, or they're embarrassed, or they're afraid how society is going to view a mistake. And I think this comes into somewhat with how we parent in in these days, is that we parent in a way that mistakes aren't okay. I would challenge everyone to go, mistakes are expected, respected, celebrated.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Yeah, in my classroom we say mistakes are expected, inspected, corrected, and reflected.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Yeah, I love that. That's a lot of effectives. So true. But seriously, what what if a mistake is just that? We, you know, we look at mistakes at the end the wrong thing. And I see this with kids all the time, if not every day, at least once a week. It's uh probably way closer every day. Is it this fear of making a mistake of man? I failed this test, or I did poorly on this, or my friendships are dissolving, and all of these sort of things, and maybe it's okay. Maybe it's okay that that test got built. Not maybe. It is okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Yeah, it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

It is okay, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

It's okay. All right, well, I I know we could talk forever and ever, and we may need to do this more often. Honestly, we may need to sit down together and just keep doing this. I do, I know where to find you. But I'm gonna ask you two more questions and maybe we will make them a little shorter answers, not go too long. Just don't talk too much. Don't talk too much. Same for you, Lisa James. All right, so where do we see, where do you see adults getting it wrong sometimes with this subject at hand?

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Uh we'll go all the way back to the beginning. Not listening. What what is listening? Yeah. So it's that that chance, um, moms and dads out there, grandparents, pause and think about this. What does it mean to really listen to someone? Listen with intent. Right? And that comes into you don't say a word. That's hard, and then you reflect on the question. So what I hear you saying is X, Y, and Z and get a confirmation back. Yes, that's what that's what I'm saying. Good. Now, what do you need from me? Do we need a listen? Do we need you to problem solve some possible options on how to handle it? What's a way you can handle that? How do you make it right? How do you write the ship, so to speak?

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well, maybe it's not any different. Maybe it really still is just that learn to listen. But what advice would you give parents who are listening right now? What's the big piece of advice you would give?

SPEAKER_02 18:19

Okay, that's a really good question. I go back to my very first year in the classroom. I had the most difficult group of kids ever. And I was coming, I was green. I looked young, and I felt young, and I was young as a teacher. And I was really struggling through on how to handle some behavior issues, and so it finally occurred to me one day, I need to write down the responses. When our kids were young, we called it practice academy. We can do that as adults, right? So write down what do I you respond, like a cue card almost, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Absolutely, because we tend to go back to our reflexes, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:00

You know, when I was a kid, you better do this. If you don't do this, you're gonna fail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So write it down. Write down that scenario. If you have a spouse that's as amazing as Lisa James, do it with her, and you play that scenario out. Friend, connect with Lisa, that's what she's here for, and play those sort of pieces out. Here's a scenario, let's practice through it.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

I like it. Just practice, practice responding, practice listening, yeah, practice hearing.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Hearing, practice hearing. Yes, for sure. So uh I mentioned this, uh Lisa, you're here for this, right? And so folks that are out there, you need you need an unbiased ear. Where could they go, Lisa James?

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Where could they go? They could go to you. Well, that's my goal. That's that's what I'm hoping for in a selfish, but also not selfish way, because um I think my life experience, our life experience has guided me to a place where I'm ready to be a helper in the process. Not not a know-doll in the process, because that I'm not, but a helper in the process.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

I had a I had a parent recently, uh a situation we had at school ask me, what would you do? This is your kid, what would you do? What would you do? And just kept pushing me. And you know, I'm careful not to extend my bounds, but she asked enough, so she got what would I do. Now I hope she listens. Because I'm right.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Of course.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Of course, always.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Okay, so we better wrap it up, Jason. Thank you. Not just for being here today, but for the way you've shown up over the years as a father, as a leader, my partner in life, and as someone who truly takes the time to listen. And as I'm thinking about everything we've talked about today, it really all comes back to this idea of inner lights, because every child has them. Their lights inside, it's their voice, their confidence, their sense of who they are and where they belong. And the way we respond to them, especially in the small everyday moments, either strengthens that light or slowly dims it. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can say to our kids is nothing at all. Just listen. Because that's where their lights find their way out. When we rush in with answers, when we correct before we connect, when we listen just to respond, we can unintentionally send the message that their thoughts don't fully matter. But when we slow down, when we listen all the way through, when we sit with them in the messy, unfinished, sometimes confusing parts of their stories, we send a very different message. We tell them, I see you, I hear you, you matter. And that's what helps their inner lights grow stronger, not perfection, not having all the right answers, not getting it right. Right every time. Just presence, connection, and being willing to listen. So as we close today, I'm gonna thank you for staying a little longer. It has been longer today than it has in the past, but I want to leave you with something simple to carry with you into this week. Next time your child starts talking, pause. Put everything else down. Look at them and listen. Just a little bit longer than you normally would. Because those moments, these small ordinary moments, are where trust is built. They're where confidence begins to take root, they're where your child starts to believe. My voice matters here. And when a child believes that, their inner lights don't just stay on, they shine. So thank you for being here. If this episode resonated with you with you at all, if it brought something up or made you think differently, or reminded you of a moment in your own home, I'd love to hear from you. Your stories, your questions, your experiences, they all matter here too. Because together we're building something bigger than just a podcast. We're building homes where children feel safe, seen, and strong enough to become who they are meant to be. So until next time, let your love shine.