November 30th, 2010, so that is 15 years ago to the day today at this as this episode is being recorded, what happened on that day? Why was that day so meaningful? Well, let's get right to it. I talked about this a little bit before in the. I think first episode, but I wanted to do a full episode on this so that if I do mention it again, you can kind of have context on, you know, where we're going and what happened in my life and how I started this work. This really is how I started this journey of self-healing. So November 30th, 2010, my husband passed away. He was 35 years old. I was 27 years old, and we had just gotten married a year and 10 months prior to that. So I went from the highest high, right? Getting married, having a huge, gorgeous wedding. So we got married in January, 2009, had our first wedding anniversary, and then after that he started feeling sick. He got diagnosed with cancer leukemia, specifically chronic myeloid leukemia, which was supposedly more of the treatable versions of it. Um, but he just got really sick really fast and then passed away 10 months later. So it was. Um, January, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. Got diagnosed in March and then passed away by November. So obviously that was an extremely quick marriage, but also quick high to low experience. Being with the love of my life, right? The highest high, right after your wedding, you get married, you have a wedding. You know how you feel afterwards, right? During that time period to the lowest absolute possible low. I basically equate it to, or a good analogy here, we know how I love analogies is. Falling from the sky. It's like you got dropped from the sky, like dropped from heaven or something. You're the highest high, and you got dropped outta the sky, onto the ground. Onto the Earth. Into Earth. And they're like, okay, basically start your life from here. And maybe that's how Rebirths work. You know? Maybe that's how rock bottoms work. It's almost like you get this. Fresh start. We're a clean slate, but in, in one of the worst possible ways. And I think a lot of people who find this work do healing work, find personal development, whatever you wanna call it, like intuition, if you have a word for it. The work, I always like to say it's doing the work. A lot of people find their way to this by hitting rock bottom, by having no other choice, and that's pretty much what happened with me. I had no other choice. I had no choice but to pick myself up off of the floor lying on the floor. I remember a specific time in my, this was probably a year later too, after I moved out of my Manny on house into an apartment down in Rittenhouse. In Philadelphia on the floor of these old walk up stone apartment, um, this old wood floor laying on the floor crying, listening to the fray or something. Like, really? No, I know exactly what song it was. So moments like that, getting yourself up out of moments like that, and to me that was. You know, the rock bottom that changed. But I think a lot of people that find this work are either, going through a situation where they had to, they had no other choice to get up to find something. Some meaning. And the meaning for life, which I really do now realize is bettering yourself every single day. Working on yourself every single day. 'cause if you're connected to self. If you are being the best possible version of yourself, then you are connected to God. You are with God, right? God created you. You are connected to self and working on yourself, having that positive and loving self image. And that's the thing. That's the only thing. Then you are connected to God, right? I feel like the more you're connected to yourself, the more you're in self discovery, self-awareness, self image healing, the more connected to God that you are. And a lot of times that's what happens is we get to these lowest lows in our life, in our lives, and we have to do it. We have to do the work, we have to figure it out because there is no other way, right? There is no other way. The other, the, the other way, the only other choice would've been, you know, the bad road. So anyway. That is what happened. That is my, I guess, start my falling from heaven. If you could say, my start coming to earth, my rebirth coming to earth and having to figure it all out, all over again. And at the point where in your, you know, mid to late twenties, you're kind of doing that anyway, you know, I was. Just got off of planning a wedding and I was planning a funeral. My friends were planning weddings and baby showers and I had just buried my 30 5-year-old husband. It was that, right? It was like that. And then that's what I had to carry with me every day. That's what I had to work through every day. 'cause I didn't get, you know, time to just you, Hide, what are you, what are you supposed to do? Because that's the thing too. There's these expectations of what is someone go in that situation going to do? And it's very relatable right now. I see a lot of the stuff that's going with Erica Kirk, right? Okay, so I'm actually just popping in here again after I recorded this episode the first time, just to state and simply say that this, doesn't have to do with like how, what I think or what's going on with the ongoing Erica Kirk situation or what the truth behind that actually was. I mean, I have my own. intuitive feelings around certain things. So whatever your political party or feelings are, or whatever you think happened, whether you think she was involved or a spy, or, you know, everything was truthful with what you saw. So none of that matters. That's not the situation, and that's not what I'm saying about the judgment at all. What I am saying is, you know,. And it's just, this is just to use as an example of the judgment that would be on her no matter what. No matter what she was doing. So take out the. Quote unquote conspiracies or the quote unquote truth, whatever you feel happened or didn't happen, whatever you feel her involvement was or was not just using the fact. An example of if she was a normal widow. The amount of judgment that people would have. Okay. So using that as an example, that is what happens in this type of situation, and it's because it makes people uncomfortable. So that's just a side note there, and then we'll go back to our regular recording. Whether you, whatever. And this has nothing to do with politics, it just has any, everything to do with people being judgemental of what she's doing. Like what is she supposed to do? Hide inside for six months? Wear black to the grocery store and cover her face, not play with her children. Not do speeches, not talk, like not even being in the public eye, what is someone supposed to do, right? Like you, you have to get up off of that wood floor. You have to pick yourself up and go do something. Right? Because what is the alternative of that? We know what that is. You have to get up. You have to get yourself up and. Do something and move forward step by step. And it doesn't have to be move on, right? It's just take each step moving forward because you still have to be here on this earth. You still have to live your life. So it's getting up and doing just that no matter what that looks like for you. And you have to figure it out for yourself, right? Because what is the alternative? There is nothing. You have to be here. Your person, that person is no longer here with you, and you have to figure it out. And it's just you too. I mean, yes, for family and friends, and yes, for people helping you out. And yes, there were, and I can. I think of so many people. I could name off specific people and specific things right now still that, that have, that were so helpful. You know, small things like friends coming over and making me get up and going out, like whether we were going out to drinking or not. Someone coming over and shoveling snow off of my sidewalk because I was. By myself or checking in on me or, you know, there's so many different things that I could pinpoint specific things that happened and it was still just me, right? Even though I had a great family, I had my parents, I had, you know, um, friends that came over and stayed with me. I had my mom that came over and stayed with me and parents and that were all around constantly checking in, but. Everyone's going through it as well on their own way. Everyone's going through it too, because they have loss as well. And you are the one that went through it. And each to, to each individual too. Like, I don't know what, you know, um, his mom went through and I, and I can't imagine, especially now having kids of my own, like I cannot. Imagine and put myself in her situation because I can't, I don't know what she actually went through. Okay. So yeah, I don't know what other people went through that are also losing him. So his sisters, I don't know what his sisters went through. I don't know what my parents went through seeing and living through it through me. Right. So everyone has and, and even just not. Being in this particular situation, everyone has their own things and how they deal with things on their own and what they are personally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, dealing with every day. And not just in a traumatic experience or rock bottom, but every single day. Right. And you are the only one that can. Save yourself, right? You are the only one that can pick yourself up off of the floor and truly help. Like, yes, you can have help, but you have to do it. You have to want it. You have to be the one that gets yourself up. You have to be the one that gets yourself up every single day. Okay, so anyway, you are the one who has to get yourself up, right, every single day. And everyone has their own experience, their own rock bottom, their own, you know, I think I talked about that before. So maybe let's delete, delete, delete that part. Okay, so here's the thing. What do you do, right? What do you do? Because being, of course you're sad, of course you're grieving. Of course you're lying on the floor crying, and you have to still live your life. You have to figure out how to live your life. And here's the thing, because here's the thing, with any of this work. It's being able to see your shadow, to see your darkness, to be able to live with the darkness and see the darkness so that it does not have a handle on you. And I think a lot of times with people that go through experiences, people that hit rock bottom, people that start their healing journey, start their personal development journey. They start to do that. 'cause it, it's shadow work, right? It's putting labels on things if you wanna do that. But doing the shadow work, doing the deep dive, doing the full radical acceptance of yourself, because there's a lot of ladi DA out there, right? Love and light. Let's just spread love and light and let's just, you know, do this and let's be positive. In doing that, there's not the capability or the ability to then e even hold space for someone else who's going through something deep or see the truth of what's happening. And this can all be tied into, the things that have been happening in the past couple years with being able to see the evil. That's out there in the world is the same as being able to see the evil or the dark side within ourselves because we all have that. So whether, you're able, when you're able to see that, you are able to then it not let it control you because if you don't see it, then it has control over you. So whether you are, going what, whatever it took to get you there, to get you that spot, to be able to do this work, to get you to the point, to be able to see your own darkness, that is what's going to give you the ability to live in the light, right? Does that make sense? Um, Ru Rumi rummy, I never know if I'm pronouncing that correctly, has. One of my favorite quotes that is the wound is the place where the light enters, right? So where there's that wound, where there's that need to heal, where there's that place that cracks open, or when you are cracked wide open, that is when the light enters, because that is when you truly can see. Right. That is when you can truly see what life is all about. Whatever it takes, whatever that wound is, whatever that crack is, whatever it was that cracked you wide open, that was your catalyst for the rebirth. That was your catalyst for your new life. That was your catalyst and your place, and your chance and your opportunity to change your motherfucking life. That is what it was. It was you lying on the fucking floor crying and not knowing how you were gonna get yourself up. That's where the light comes in. Right? It was you doing whatever it was that got you to that point. Like that's what had to happen to get you to see, right? It's almost like I picture God coming up to you because this is what's happening. This is what he's doing. This is what happens, is shaking you and being like, wake the fuck up. What are you doing? That's not life. You're not see, you're not seen, you're consumed by things that don't, ma don't matter. You're consumed by the darkness. You're sucked down this dark hole. You're not seeing what is truly right in front of you. Right? And that, and that's what happens. And it's completely different for everybody. And I think a lot of people. Went through this with the great awakening that is starting to happen and, and things that have started to happen over the past five years. 2020 woke a lot of people up. People started to question things. People started to see things, whether it was. Well here, it's always this, it's what you're seeing outside of you is also is what is coming from inside of you. Because what's out surrounding you is actually coming from what's in you because you have to work on what's in to change what's out, right? And that's a whole nother discussion, but. However that was, that was happening, whether it was 2020 or something traumatic in your life or maybe it didn't have to be something huge, but it was these little pieces here and there, little cracks starting to crack open where you could see. But the thing of this is, if you're not willing to do the work, if you're not willing to tell the truth on yourself, if you're not willing to see your own darkness, then how are you going to see the light? How are you going to get to that point? Because if you're not seeing something, if you're not aware of something, it's controlling you. And that's a huge analogy for what's also going on in the world the past couple years. If you're not seeing things that are around you, if you're not aware of stuff that's happening, then it is controlling you. It's that mind game. Right? And the whole world of the past five years is that huge analogy. If you're not seeing it, it's controlling you. If you're not questioning it, you're just going along with it. And it's like that in this work. It's like that when you hit rock bottom, you have to see it wakes you up. You have no choice but to see, you have no choice but to tell the truth. You have no choice but to accept your life as it is and as it is not. You have no choice. You have to start from there. And again, coming back to the, you know, falling from. Falling from heaven. You have no choice but to get up because what is the alternative, right? That's where you are, and you're starting from the rebirth. You're starting from the rock bottom. You're starting from square one. You're starting from a completely new place where you can see where you can move up, where you can move on. You're in a completely different frequency, right? It's like you're living a different life because you are. You are awake now in a different way, right? You're healing now in a different way. You're seeing things in a different way. It's a completely different you. It's a completely different life, and we still have to live on earth, right? We still have to live in this world and integrate, integrate it all, and trying to figure it all out. And that's the daily process. That's the daily work. That's taking the next step, whether it's if you're walking yourself through grief or if you're trying to re-figure out your life. If you're going through a com, a complete life change. It's just taking that next step and figuring out it out as you go, and though doing the work with it and having that full radical self-acceptance and self responsibility, not using the outside world as your excuse, not using your experience as your excuse. You are not using that trauma as your excuse or as your reason to play the victim or be the victim, right? Because it's very easy to go down that road. It's very easy to be stuck in the victim mentality. Trust me, I know I've done it and did it for years. There's still times that it comes up being the victim. Woe is me feeling bad for myself. I went through this. My thing was harder than your thing. Right. So getting out of that mentality, and that just comes from awareness, being aware, being truthful, self-acceptance, radical self-acceptance, seeing the dark side. Seeing your dark side really just comes down to truth living your life. Being self aware, doing the healing journey, it's you that has to do it It's not the outside, it's not the other people. It's not the help. Like you are the one that has to do it. So, yeah. Okay. I mean, I think we got there on that one. I think we got there. We talked about. The complete high dropping to the rock bottom, the full rebirth, and how it looks different to everyone. How it looks different to every person. And yeah, maybe it's not some huge thing, but maybe that's what. Me personally, maybe I needed that, you know, wake the fuck up. To be able to see, to be able to inspire other people, to be able to help other people. That's where things changed for me that day. Whether I realized it or not, that's a thing too, whether I realized it or not, or knew the reasoning, or knew the answers or knew anything at that point, that's when it changed because I had to do it. I had no choice, right? I had to walk through, I had to get up. I had to take each and every next step and find meaning in doing that, finding the answers for myself, doing the work for myself, right? The daily work. And yes, I've done a ton of trainings. I've done a ton of therapy. I've done a ton of yoga and other things, reading all the things right? It is just you have to do that daily consistent work on yourself, and these are the things that make life, right? These are the things that you're able to then go out and do, not just for yourself, but for other people. Be able to inspire other people, because here's the thing too, about death and losing someone. And then the judgment too, like where that judgment comes from of like how someone is grieving, how someone is mourning, how they're supposed to quote unquote show up in their life, right? Is, what are you supposed to do? Because hiding, yes, you grieve, but hiding and. Lying on the floor for a year and not going out and not doing anything, is that then letting that person have died in vain? What was the reasoning for their death? Then you have to take that and to see that crack, see that wound, right? 'cause that's where the light gets in them having died.. And then going back to Harvey. Harvey having. Died. I cannot let his life lost be in vain. I cannot let his life lost be in vain. There is a reason, and it has to be. It has to be live every fucking day, right? Live every single day with that memory, with his memory. And with the ability to see clearly, to see the reasoning, to see how life works, right? Not taking that loss be in vain, but using that. Using that as your access to the light, using that as your access to how you then inspire others. Okay. So to wrap up here, I am a few days coming back into this, so this episode might seem a or be a little choppy, but I feel like that's just the way that it is to get all the thoughts out sometimes. So to wrap up, what I'll do is I'll read something here that I wrote on the 30th and. Let's just say this too. So using your wound, yeah, whatever your wound was, that's allowing this light to come in. Using your traumas, your lowest points, your healing journey. Use that rock bottom to be your rebirth. Use that grief and turn it into grace. Use the pain to be your power, right? The pain becomes the empowerment. Use your loathing to be, become the, let's fucking go. You can turn this around and this is what it is. This is what life's about. This is what going through these things is about. You can turn it around and then that is what is the light? That is where you get access to the light. So let's remember that. And I will read here this last little piece. Of what I wrote on the 30th, so this is November 30th of this year, 2025. Somehow this year felt different, harder, I guess, in a new way. The depths of grief never go away, but I don't like to even call it grief anymore. It seems to be a remembrance, an honor of someone, an acceptance of another life past. Another layer of shedding and discovery of life and what it means. If we all knew when we would die and how long we'd be here, we would live every day completely different. And maybe that's why he lived to the fullest, walked into a room and lit it up. Didn't waste time on things that didn't matter. It is why when someone leaves you, they never really leave because their imprint lives through you. It's up to you to decide what you carry with you and what you leave behind. That doesn't mean don't be sad or suck it up. It means choose to live fully, show up as your true self in spite of it all. Embody your authenticity and do what you were put here to do. Alright, friends, well, I hope this episode landed and that is all for today. Bye.