Okay friends welcome Thank you for coming Thanks for coming back Um I am excited because this is on fi This is fire I like just had a ma piecing all these things together having this major breakthrough of this work how the shadow work works how how all these things work and just piece together So this is fresh This episode is about control your need to control your need to control things your need and feeling like you have to control everything and where that comes from or where that's possibly coming from how to shift that how to what that what ki that can be creating I for me it's a lot of anxiety Con control can create anxiety and a lot of other things So all right let's go Let's just get into this So I got the video on for this one I got my glasses I got notes Like we are ready to go We are ready to go Okay so control Let's talk about how you try to control everything in your life right So we all do this We try to control things We try to control every little thing We try to control the outcome of things So the thing is you can't You can't control anything You can't control anything and you can control everything Okay so what I mean by that you can't be this puppet master of your life that goes in and tries to like manipulate and you know have these little puppet strings and t try to control every little thing in your life And though What you can control how you can control your life is by your mindset by doing this work by shifting your mentality around things by your reaction by your non-reaction by doing the inner work doing the shadow work how you're showing up doing the healing right You can control in that sense in the sense of energy you're controlling your energy you're controlling how you're showing up you're controlling your electromagnetic field which is in set in in then controlling what's coming to you what's showing up in your life your inner world projects and controls your outer world right So you can control that You can control everything by having a handle on that and quote unquote controlling that And though you cannot control as if you were manipulating controlling a puppet master you know being in control of every little thing being in control of people around you being in control of what happens being in control of other people's reactions being in control of the outcomes of things right Do you see the difference You can't be in control of anything and you can be in control of everything Wow. Okay, so we see the difference, right? Do we see the difference between the energy and attracting things, right? Or the energy, your electromagnetic field, your creator field, your energy attracts things or creates things in your life. Difference between controlling and being this puppet master of control. So we see the difference with that, and a great example for this, my favorite example for this, is using the example of a relationship, right? When you have that desperate, needy, um, significant other, right? Someone who is like, just needs to be in a relationship, wants to be in a relationship, is desperate to like be with that other person, right? So they're, they find someone, they're desperate to be with them because for whatever reasons, they need that validation, they need to feel love, they're trying to fill a void, right? Whatever that reasoning is, but they, they're v- very needy. They're coming from that needy place of like, "I have to be with this person," and they're desperately trying to make it work, so they're doing whatever the person wants them to do. They're people-pleasing. They're pretending to be someone they're not. They're letting the person walk all over them, right? That neediness. We- we've all been in those relationships or been that person in a relationship. What does that do? It actually, actually repels the other person. If someone's out there desperately looking for a relationship, they're actually going to be repelling people, right? Or, or they're gonna be bringing people that are just using them and then moving on. They're, it's actually going to be repelling what they are looking for and what they actually want, as opposed to being your best high-vibe self, living your life, being fully fulfilled in yourself and who you are, being confident, right? W- we all know that person too, that confident, att- attractive person. Confidence attracts other people. So somebody who's coming from that full, whole self, they don't need another person. They're living their best life. They're doing-- they're out there doing what they wanna do. You know, they're, they know they're not going to just settle for someone. They're out there being their best self, living their best life, giving off this high vibration. They are going to be then attracting the person, the right person, or people to them. People will be attracted to them based on what they're putting out, versus trying to control and desperately grasping for people to come towards them. Okay? So same example as the control, right? The control, um, having your energy, right? Control being the... No, here, I'm saying it wrong. Very different between... I just read the title. It's funny because this, um, app that I'm using, like, creates the title for me, and it wrote out the wrong title. It doesn't make sense. So that's what I was reading off of. So anyway, so that's explaining the difference between the putting off the energy, so controlling your own energy, controlling your own energy field, putting that out there versus being the puppet master and trying con- to control every little thing, trying to control the people around you, right? So we're seeing that difference, right? We're understanding control and how we can be very controlling versus control and how we can control ourselves, our energy, and that kind of thing, right? Okay, so we got that down. I am debating whether I wanna tell the story of what happened or not, or if I wanna wait and do... see how everything plays out, because I feel like I know exactly what's gonna happen now that I figured it out. Um, because that's the thing, like when we get to this point of knowing that we are in control based on our inner work, based on our energy versus trying to control, then when we shift, when we can internally shift based on doing the shadow work, getting to the root cause of something, shifting it, and seeing it, right? Again, going back to the shadow work, is seeing what's there so that it doesn't have control on you, so that it doesn't have control on your actions, and you're coming from the place, you're living from your place of soul and heart, right? Versus, like your true self, versus your ego and shadow, your shadow self. So when you're getting to that place, when you're seeing that, you can then shift, and then a lot of times that shifts y- well, it all, all the time will shift your energy, your, your field, and then that will shift the things around you, right? So the controlling doesn't shift things. Doing the inner work does. So that's the difference there. So when I sat down with this and started to do some of the work... So I, I was being very controlled. I'm a very controlling... I try to control a lot of things in my life, and I was being very controlling with a certain situation, like micromanaging everything. And again, um, debating whether I'll tell the full story probably after everything plays out, piggyback off of this podcast, or I'll add to this later, because it's, it's so spot on with what happens. And so anyway, just a general thing for now is that I was being very controlling and micromanaging of a situation, and something happened, like someone physically got hurt. Not, like, my fault, not anyone's fault. Literally just, like, someone got hurt. Like, that's just what happens. But, um- What I do then is I go back to myself, blame myself for that because I was being so controlling over every little single thing like time management, micromanagement, managing every little thing, being that like puppet person trying to control a situation. And then when something happens, I then, so again, I came to this conclusion, I got to this conclusion by doing the shadow work because I saw what happened. I sat down with it. I noticed my emotions. I saw what I was doing. I saw that I was really going internally like beating myself up and being very hard on myself because that is something that I do a lot. So in this specific situation, that's what I was doing. I was being hard on myself, blaming myself, beating myself up for this that was not even my fault at all. Again, no one's fault. So I did the shadow work around and I came to this as far as when you are a lot of times in those controlling mindsets, when you're the type of person who really likes to control every situation, it doesn't matter whatever for what reasons, we can get to other root causes of that. But if you are that type of person, that is going to create a lot of anxiety. That is going to create a lot of anxiousness, being uptight, never being able to settle, like being anxiety all the time. Like that's what that creates because you feel the need to have to control everything and you feel like you are in control. And then being hard on yourself when something happens, like beating yourself up when something happens. And that, the being hard on yourself is really what you have to do is bringing this, again, your unconscious self, it's your unconscious self-criticism into the light. So you have to be able to see that. Again, like you can be so hard on yourself and say like the meanest things to yourself in your head and not even really notice that you're doing it or not notice how often that you're doing it. Bringing the awareness to that is the first step. But then seeing it pop up and seeing it pop up all the time and then knowing that it's coming from this unconscious place. Like it is unconscious, the things that you're saying to yourself most of the time. And especially when you're being hard on yourself for something, right? Blaming yourself for something. Okay, so this, this beating yourself up, this being hard on yourself, this self-judgment, this unconscious harsh self-judgment, right, can come from that need for perfectionism, right? The need to be perfect, the need to succeed, right? There's a lot of ways that can, or reasons that you can, that can come from that, right? But what the, what the real trick is here, the real trick, and, and this is such... This one just really landed because all of this work, all of this sh- like whether it's shadow work or personal development, any of this interpersonal work can be all for nothing unless or until you are seeing this piece. So wha- so what, what it is, is if you're using, if you're using shadow work to fix yourself, okay? If you're using, using shadow work to fix yourself because you hate, right, something about yourself, you hate your flaws, you are self-sabotaging, you're self-hating, you're judgment, you're judgmental on yourself. If you're trying to fix yourself, that is a shadow too. That is the work right there too because that's it right there. If you're doing all of this work to fix, if you're doing all of this work to fix yourself from a place of self-hatred, from a place of beating yourself up, from a place of being harsh on yourself, then that's a shadow too right there. Then that's the shadow. Like none of this is going to work ever. Any of this work, any of the podcasts, the books, the journaling, the whatever else, else it is that you do, the, um, coaching packages, whatever you're buying, all the things, right? The things, all, everything. None of that's going to work if you're doing it from a place of self-hatred, if you're doing it in a place of having to fix yourself, right? And that, and that's huge. That e- essentially blows up this whole industry, which I, I've actually seen for a while now. Okay, so this blows up the industry or it lights the, it sheds the light, it shines the light on the industry because here is what happens with the quoting, the coaching industry, the personal development, like for sale industry is that you're getting sold things to fix yourself. And when you look at all these things online, right on Instagram and all of that, it's like people are selling you this, there's a sales term for it and I can't, I can't, the pain point, like they're selling you the pain point, like something's wrong with you. So let me buy your thing so you'll fix it. And really any industry, when you think about it, this is what marketing is. That's what marketing is. You go online and you see, you know, a cute shirt and because the model who's wearing it looks happy and like she's outside and living her best life and she has a great body or whatever, you're buying it because it's going to fix you and make you feel like that, right? That's how marketing works. That's how sales works. So here's the thing though, knowing that, and you can go buy the things, I'm not saying they're not going to, they're not going to, you know, some, a lot of the coaching things, of course, like some of, some of them, some of them will help, help you work through things. And it's whether you're seeing this point or not, is that the fact that if you are trying to fix yourself, if you're not coming from a whole place, that's also your shadow. And that's the tricky loophole that if you don't see that, then all of this is going to be basically for nothing, right? Because your shadow's there, your shadow's still there and you're not seeing that piece of the shadow. So if you're using that piece of your shadow, that's still controlling you because you're trying to fix yourself. But then in doing that, that's the shadow. And then it's not working on anything because you're still coming from that place of not being whole, but not seeing your shadow, your shadow is still running, right? That makes sense. That's like a whole thing right there. But, and it reminds me of the, oh my gosh. So Friends, Friends episodes, if you're a Friends person, going back to that whole thing where when Rachel, remember Rachel and wait, who was together? Was it Rachel and Joey? Someone, I forget, but they were like saying, oh no, I know who it was. It was Phoebe. No, who was it? I can't think of the dynamics. Okay, I got it. I know who it is. So it was when Monica and Chandler got together, and then Rachel found out separately because she saw them, and then Joey found out separately because he saw them, and then they were trying to talk about it, but they're like, "Wait, do they know we know? But do they know we know they know we know?" Like that kind of thing. Like that's how deep this goes, and that's what this remind, reminds me of because it's like, do you know that you know? You know you wanna do this work. You know you wanna do this inner work. You know you want to... You know the reason you want to. You know what you're, you're feeling, and do you know the reason that you know if you're come, that you're coming from or not, right? Do you see what I'm saying? It's like, it's that's how deep it goes. Do they know we know that they know? Do they know that you know that we know? Like that kind of thing, right? It, it goes that, that loop of that deep. All right, so that's gonna be so confusing if you aren't a Friends episode person. But anyway, okay. So that's the thing. Like that's the whole thing. Like what place are you coming from? If you're coming from that place of having to fix yourself, then that's the shadow within itself. So we have to be able to see that. We have to be able to see that piece when we are doing this work. We have to be able to get really deep into that when we're doing this work because that's the thing is that the, the ego is so tricky that it gets in there saying like you have to fix yourself when you don't. You actually don't. A- and, and that's the trick. It takes a lot to be able to wrap your brain around that and get to the place of like really that truly landing and seeing it, seeing that that is still part of your shadow. So we have to see that key piece. Like this is so important with doing this work. This is so important with this part of being so self-critical and so hard on ourselves. That's a key piece because it tends to be this, these people, these type of people, us, me, that are that person of like really being hard on ourselves that come into this work and that find this work in this way because we want that. We want the best, of course. Like we want the best for ourselves. We wanna be the best versions of ourselves. We want to be the best. Like we are extremely type A and, you know, want the best of the best of the best. And that's the, the type of people that are finding this work. So then there's the trick with that. It's that self-criticism, that self-judgment, the self-sabotage, the, the extremely harsh inner critic, the extremely, being extremely hard on yourself for every little thing. That's where we need to see that key piece of the fact that the shadow is still there if we're trying to fix our shadow, right? Do we get that? Do we get that piece? Okay, so I think we'll start to wrap up here. Um, w-what I'll do is we can go over some kind of questions, self-inquiry questions, just to get deep into this shadow so you can see it a little bit better. So this controlling, this being hard on yourself, this sense of feeling the need to have to control everything and where that comes from. Kind of just getting clear on noticing, asking yourself the questions, and even just that, like, where is this coming from, right? What's the loudest, what's the loudest self inner critic that you hear? Like, is there a similar phrase that you're constantly saying to yourself? Is it your voice or someone else's voice, like someone from the past, a parent or a teacher or a coach or someone, like, from your childhood, that their voice is in your head kind of saying this and creating this inner critic? Like, where did that come from? Where was the first place that you heard that, right? Is it a specific voice? So ask those questions. Ask yourself what part of your personality, what part of your personality are you trying to hide? Or what are you trying to hide? What are you trying to hide by being a perfectionist? So why are you so hard on yourself? What are you trying to hide about yourself? Again, the shadow, hiding. You don't want people to see that part of yourself. You don't wanna acknowledge that part of yourself. You don't want to, um, even acknowledge it or see it within yourself. So what's there that you're trying to hide, right? Th- 'cause this is a protection mechanism. This is keeping you safe from something. So that's another question. What is this keeping you safe from? What is this keeping you safe from, right? That survival mechanism. So this, quote-unquote, "negative trait," like the negativity of controlling, the shadow side of controlling. Like, where is that-- where were you in survival mode that you created that? Like, when and where did you create this in order to protect yourself? So there are some tiny, a few questions there that you can kind of think on, um, you know, go back and listen to or write down, write those down for yourself and kind of, um, you know, just sit on them and, and see where that comes up, and then things will just start to get more clear. And again, this isn't coming back to, like, fixing anything. It's not fixing anything. It's just seeing your shadow. It's seeing your shadow acknowledging it, integrating it so that you can be your whole self and so that your shadow is not then controlling and manipulating your actions and how you're going about living your life. All right, friends, hopefully this, I explained all this well, um, and this landed. I got so much out of this working through this on my own, so I hope you did as well. And I would love to hear from you, so if you wanna connect over on Instagram, you can do that. And, um, yeah, have a great day. Talk soon. Bye.