Bridget: if it's not a hell yes, is it a hell no?

We talk to Bridget, Emily's freshman year college roommate and the show's first listener-turned-guest, who reached out after hearing the couples therapy episode and had notes. Bridget has been with her husband for 12 years, and her take is direct: if you're not sure you want to be together forever, don't get married. She also drops a spicy opinion - that couples who “need” couples therapy while just dating are not going to make it. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily debate whether making a whole podcast about this question is an act of love, or proof that they’ve already lost the plot.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

One hot very hot take that I have, and perhaps you shouldn't even air this is people who have a couple's therapist when they are dating are never gonna cut it. Being married.

SPEAKER_04 0:10

That's fucking crazy, Bridget.

SPEAKER_05 0:18

Welcome to Should We Get Married.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

My name's Emily Carter.

SPEAKER_05 0:21

My name is Max and Gerecki.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

And in this podcast, we're trying to figure out if we should get legally married to each other or stay dating forever.

SPEAKER_06 0:30

What's up with people playing? It's so cool these days.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Today's guest is Bridget, my freshman year college roommate and a listener of the show who reached out to us with some opinions and reflections about us and marriage in general.

SPEAKER_05 0:46

Let's get into it. So this is the first time that we have a guest that is kind of just someone who is just a random listener of the show.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

Yeah, I love how this podcast is bringing some people back into our world through Instagram and all the various places we are promoting it.

SPEAKER_05 1:03

As you'll hear, Bridget has opinions and it's like, that's just amazing.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

It's the best.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

She happens to be your freshman year college roommate, but it's not like you are super tight or talk every year or anything like that. Like it's been a long time since you connected.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

I loved living with Bridget. Loved, loved, loved it. She was like an athlete and would wake up super early for volleyball practice. And I think she just introduced me to another side of our college that I might not have had access to otherwise.

SPEAKER_05 1:29

So what's the story of her getting onto this show? Like how that happened?

SPEAKER_02 1:32

I posted on Instagram and she DM'd me saying she was listening and really loved it. And then after the couple's therapy episode, she reached out with a voice note and we were going back and forth. And she mentioned that she had some reflections for me and our relationship and things she's heard on the podcast that she had some thoughts and feedback on. And I texted you about it, and you were like, would she be down to share them live with us recorded versus just personally in a voice note?

SPEAKER_05 1:57

If you feel like you might want to do the same thing and share with us your thoughts, feelings, and reflections, please reach out to us through Instagram or through our email address, swigumproject at gmail.com, swgmproject at gmail.com, and we can have a little chit-chat and see what the deal is.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

We'd love to fight you, we'd love to agree with you, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_05 2:21

Yeah. So come at us. It's come at us. So without further ado, here is our conversation with Emily's freshman year roommate and listener of the show, Bridget.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

A couple things I remember are Bridget was the first person who ever did like a vibrating alarm so that it wouldn't wake me up because she would wake up for volleyball practice every morning really early. And I thought that was like the most considerate thing of all time. In my head, she like custom built it so that I could keep sleeping.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

I code, I coded it.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Yeah, she coded it.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

And I also remember her roasting me because I used to come home drunk and make like oatmeal.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

She was like, eat normal drunk food. I forgot that because Emily's like, you know, she's she was not eating Doritos growing up, right? Like she didn't, she didn't take Advil when she had a headache. So she was not gonna be eating, you know, red dye number 40.

SPEAKER_07 3:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

But so when she would come home and she would be drunk, she would make the craziest health food snacks, and I'd be like arm deep in like a giant carton of flavor blessed goldfish.

SPEAKER_05 3:30

And Bridget, you and I have a lot in common, it seems.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

I've noticed this about the pot already. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

Wow. I love that that's how you guys know each other. Bridget, you and I have not met yet, but we're meeting now. But I already feel such kinship with you because I'm often eating a lot of red dye number four right next to Emily while she's eating some sort of thing that's allegedly food. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

And mine's more food than your guys' food.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Too much.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Too much. This is just us talking about Emily. No, most of my college experience because and and this will be my, yeah, my my, I will say my not my last joke, but whatever. Um, is that so I get paired up with Emily. She eats oatmeal at 2 a.m.

SPEAKER_07 4:14

Bad luck.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

She has she has perfect habits, she likes sleeps an amazing amount. She's also because you as well grew up in New York City, she felt so much older than me. Like she had lived a lifetime. I had been going to iHop with my high school boyfriend. Yeah. And I was like, this woman.

SPEAKER_05 4:36

No, she's an she's an inspiration to us all, Bridget.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

She's an inspiration to us all. But we had a we had such a good thing. We had a really good time. Oh, yeah. Oh, who's the best?

SPEAKER_05 4:46

Let's talk about some of the more challenging things. Or some of the some let's talk about some of the Emily, you know, it's not all Rosie in Emily Land. One thing she sweats through her sheets every night, right? Every single night she sweats through the sheets.

SPEAKER_07 4:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:59

Drenches the sheets. Another thing is you you look at her, you're like, oh, she's so beautiful. She's so clean. She's so sparkling. She smells like a decaying flower, one of those rare flowers in the Amazon that like has a sort of fecund death death smell to it.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

She's a dirt girl. She's living her life. I have a face and a body for radio.

SPEAKER_05 5:18

That's just the thing. People should know.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Bridget has been married for how long?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

I've been married for two and a half years, but I've been with my husband since fall of my sophomore year at Kenyan. So 12, 11 years, 12 years.

SPEAKER_05 5:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:36

This is actually our first time doing like a piece with someone who's actually been listening to the show.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

One reflection that I had at the beginning of starting the pod, my impression was okay, they very clearly are dedicated to like building a life together long term.

SPEAKER_07 5:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

And then it was after you guys, I think very graciously like invited your couple's therapist onto the show. I wasn't actually sure if that was true or not. Like there were moments where I was like, oh, maybe they're actually not sure if they are, if they are well suited to this, regardless of like sort of the practical benefits or downsides of being legally married.

SPEAKER_05 6:15

I think it's a really interesting thing that you picked up on. I think when we first started talking about the project more than a year ago, Emily and I were in a place in our relationship where everything was super, super easy. And then a few months ago, our relationship became more challenging and we're changing as people. I changed as a person. I became more insular. I became more insecure. Emily also changed. It it used to be a hundred percent we're a gung-ho on having a family together. And then Emily and I decided or sort of came to the realization like our relationship is gonna take some some work.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Yeah, I would also say it's very perceptive. And I'd say like December of last year into like maybe a month ago felt like pretty intense. And we did a lot of like maturing. And I think for me it was like a lot around wanting to be a mom soon and just being like, okay, love has gotten us this far. And now it's like there's some structural things that I want to make sure we're like on the same page about how we run our life, how we share tasks, financial stuff, just like getting everything in order to like enter a new chapter together.

SPEAKER_05 7:19

Yeah, yeah. December, January, February, these were tougher months in our relationship, and they coincided literally with us like making these episodes and putting the show out. And you can hear it.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

I think then the reflections I have about the pod knowing this context, and I will say up front, don't shoot the messenger. Okay. Just take the information for what you will. Okay. So excited.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

I'm gonna boot you out of the out of the Zoom link here.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Yeah. I'll speak from my own experience of being in a relationship for 12 years. Once we were like, we are in this forever, we want to be married. We never had like a maybe we won't make it is on the table. Like we kind of have a no plan B attitude about it. Maybe some people would would think that's sort of not realistic, but we have a very short list of reasons that we would, let's say, get divorced, and they are primarily focused on like critical safety of one another, but we're not having a good time anymore. Not an acceptable reason for us.

SPEAKER_05 8:21

Like we Okay, wait, what's critical safety though?

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Like abuse, like reasons that I would say are like, yeah, you have to leave that person immediately. But we're not happy, we're not communicating well, whatever. Like those are things that we just need to find each other again. And maybe that's gonna be a years-long process. But like I also know parents of my friends who who have been open about the struggles in their marriage, and they're like, Yeah, we've been together for 40 years, and five of them were fucking awful. You know, and we have that attitude too, where we're like, we expect there to be very hard years or things that we have to solve. But the thing we are absolutely committed to is like getting to the other side of whatever that is, and that both of us will continually make the choice to be like, how do we find our way back to the path?

SPEAKER_05 9:08

Yeah. You know. Did you guys actually like sit down and say, hey, here are the here are these six things that would be okay to get divorced over? One of them is if one of us starts abusing the other, or are you just assuming that he's on the same page about that?

SPEAKER_01 9:23

No, we we said it in so many words. I wouldn't say we made an actual practical list. Anytime I try to like over-engineer something, my husband's like, it's not that hard. You know, which is maybe the tagline I might have for this podcast as well. Not that hard, guys. No, the reasons like to get divorced, I think we we very clearly defined like things that are workable problems, meaning again, sort of like, how do we find our way back to each other if we find ourselves out of love? That's gonna be a really hard place to find yourself as a couple. But if that happens to us, like we've already committed to being like, how do we get back to the path?

SPEAKER_05 10:00

Have you guys had that where you where you had something happen in your relationship that caused a rift, but it's not so bad that it's part of the safety bucket, but it's like really, really hard?

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Definitely. We've had we've had a hard period. We were long distance for a long time. It was so hard being a part, and especially in you know, my early 20s in New York. I'm like, I'm feeling cool and hot, and that maybe I would want to date other people. Like, that seems like a fun thing to do. That was like something that you know, I had to share with him to be like, how am I how am I navigating these feelings of feeling like I'm missing out, but also talking to my friends and they're like, girl, you're not missing out. We're all looking for what you have, which is beautiful, true love.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

So a general, like no plan B. Yeah. That we're doing this and say for like a couple critical things that are like truly bad stuff like we're not connecting, we're not feeling happy, this isn't so fun, are temporary situations to manage versus relationship-ending moments.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Yeah. You know, not everyone is gonna agree with agree with that take, like being like, you know, if something's not bringing you joy or you're like you're not compatible, like that, of course, can still be a reason. I think, like, you know, maybe we're just sort of competitive people where we're like, no, people that fall out of love and then just choose not to find each other again. Like there was an effort component to that, that if you really give it a college try. A lot about marriage and having a successful marriage, I think, is just like choosing to be with that person every day, even when it sucks and even when they annoy you and what have you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Are you saying this because you are hearing a different style of conversation in our episodes?

SPEAKER_01 11:41

A couple of things that usually I think are strong indicators of whether couples are like well suited to each other long term, in my personal experience and observations. You guys have like don't tick those boxes, which is one very hot take that I have. Maybe not all listeners, and perhaps you shouldn't even air this. One very hot take that I have is that people who have a couples therapist when they are dating are never gonna cut it, being married.

SPEAKER_04 12:12

That's fucking crazy, Bridget.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

I know, I know, okay. Again, going back to my tagline, it's just not that hard.

SPEAKER_04 12:19

I'm I'm completely blown away by this take. This is one of the worst takes I've heard.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I could be wrong, I could be extremely wrong. Again, I just know several people, and maybe it's because all the people that I know who have done this, like they're doing it as a Hail Mary. They're like adding a couples therapist to a bad relationship because they're too scared to break up.

SPEAKER_05 12:43

Just to understand how it relates to us, you say, Hey, I just listened to the couples therapy episode. Yeah. You guys are cooked. Like, you're barking up the wrong tree here. You should not get married to each other.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

It's either a hell yes or it's a hell no. And so people that I have found who are middling in the like, should we do it and what's the benefit? And like, how do we figure it out? I'm like, guys, lost the plot. I can already tell you how this ends. But I don't necessarily think that that's true about you guys because you are there were so many other points in the podcast, like the bit list. I was like, these people are friends, like they're deeply love being with each other and like want to make it work. So I don't know if it's just that like the sort of liberal arts brain of this community is like trying to overintellectualize something that I think is just like quite natural. Or if you guys are cooked, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 13:35

Okay, so it's not like you're up to date on Emily's friendship. So you really are coming out of the woodwork being like, hey, I listen to the show. Yes, this is my take. You guys might be totally fucked. But I heard these other episodes, and these guys are like best friends and they love each other so much, and they're gonna make it. And then at least in the in the Karen episode and the in the therapist episode, you're kind of like, hey, my personal beliefs, if you're getting a couple's therapist, even just when you're dating, you're not even married, like it's not supposed to be this hard. Well, this is very super interesting. Bridget, do you believe in individual therapy?

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Yeah, I have a therapist.

SPEAKER_05 14:11

And you don't think that your life is like bad and not worth living?

SPEAKER_01 14:16

No, not at all. I think I'm I have a therapist because like I want I'm like a goodie two shows, you know? I'm like, I shouldn't have one. I'll get one.

SPEAKER_05 14:24

That it's I mean, even that sentence, there's a lot to unpack right there. Like a person that's like, a person that literally is like, I mean, yeah, I have a therapist, but like I don't need a therapist.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

I don't even need her. I don't even need her that bad. Yeah, no, that's a lie.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

Really doing it to like satisfy, you know, society. I mean, I don't know, Emily. Like, I would actually think it'd be interesting to hear you. Why do we have a couples therapist? Is it because we're completely and utterly fucked and we're trying to like scrape the remaining dregs of our relationship out of the coffee can, or are we doing something else?

SPEAKER_02 14:50

I'm choosing a harder life because there's not an obvious path. I've like gotten off the path of having a normal job. A lot of my friendships look very unusual, how I spend my time, how I relate to people. Like a lot of it is really different than people around me. And I want support on that. And that is definitely the life that I want to have, is like challenging in some ways. And so having someone there to like reflect back to us and see us in times of health and see us in times of challenge, is a useful space to us for us to be like in a little sandbox of figuring out how we want to design our life.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

I think that if my husband and I got a therapist, we would get tons of value out of it. Like I think they're hugely valuable. And I and I do think that it is completely worthwhile doing. I think if you are seeking a couples therapist as you are dating to try and basically fix your relationship so that you become ready for marriage, you're cooked. If you are in a healthy relationship and you're like, we're committed, but like we're having some disconnect issues, and we just want somebody else to help us through them.

SPEAKER_04 15:48

That's exactly what's happening. No, that's exactly what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Well, that's what I couldn't tell with the Karen episode is that I was like, did you seek Karen because you were about to break up?

SPEAKER_04 15:56

For better or for worse, we've been seeing Karen for years.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yeah. Yeah. So like I we're I think we're in agreement on the value of therapy, and that being very additive, but I think it doesn't, it doesn't solve, it doesn't fix a couple that's not meant to be married in order to be married.

SPEAKER_05 16:16

That I agree with. Yeah, at least right now, at this stage of the show, where we're still talking to so many people, where people that get divorced, thank God they got divorced. And people that are haven't gotten divorced, they didn't need to separate. Bridget. And I'm curious to know if this is actually happening to you, where people are like, Thank God I had this horrible penalty on leaving. Otherwise, I would have left my husband. I think if you're feeling that, you should probably leave your husband.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

I agree with you, but I think that by planning for a worst case scenario, you're also inviting the worst case scenario. When my husband and I were talking about finances, for example, there's like, the do you want to set up anything financially basically to make the divorce easier? Right. Like that's a conversation that some couples have and pre-ups it can be part of that or whatever, and you keep your money separate or whatever. And he was like, I don't think that we should plan for a worst case scenario. And I almost thought that was irresponsible. And he was like, No, this is the commitment we're making. This is what this means. Trying to proactively be smart about worst-case scenarios also leaves a door open. And I'm saying marriage is closing all of the doors. There's value to that because then it's just you two in the room. And you're like, we're doing this. This is just us. The whole universe explodes, and it's you and me in this room, dude. No plan B. It's not on the table.

SPEAKER_05 17:45

Yeah. But just so for the record, like it completely is on the table. Half half of couples are getting divorced. So it totally is on the table. It just sucks.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Not for us, and we're exceptionally good at it. Yeah. But hey, I hope we're not doing a podcast in a few years about my divorce. I don't think we will be. Being married is just like taking a big leap and like you trust the other person's judgment and that you trust you're gonna be able to solve problems with them and you think you're gonna really like them for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_05 18:14

Yeah. Do you know anyone that is married and you're like, you guys should not be married?

SPEAKER_01 18:20

I wouldn't go that far. There are definitely couples that I know that I'm like little off-handed comments where I go, ooh, I would not like it if Cooper said that about me. You know, things like that, or where they're just not really friends, you know, like where I'm like, oh, you guys don't really spend a lot of time together in activities that you do, or like things like that, where I'm like, oh, I just have questions about how this works, and I can't imagine that it's like what my marriage feels like and looks like, but that's not for me to judge.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

Yeah. I think in my head, I'm like, I feel more attached to like loving Maxine forever than I do the structure of what loving Maxine looks like forever.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

I like that.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

I feel like I would like to die having like the amount of love that I have for you now, if not 10 times as much, which grows every single day. So it definitely will grow. But there's a world where like loving you means like many different things, and structurally our like lives move this way and then back this way, and like maybe you're with someone else for a little bit, maybe I'm with someone else for a little bit. Maybe I need to like go be in a cult with women for three years and like not see a man for X amount of time to like heal some bullshit. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

You'd be so good at that, by the way. I I literally had the thought that I feel like you could, even though you're not a domineering personality, you if you started a cult, people would follow you. I feel that strongly.

SPEAKER_05 19:39

I agree. I'm in the cult of Emily. I'm I'm head priest. She has the answer.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

And like the feeling in my heart for you feels more important than like you and me always turning toward each other, always like being like true partners in crime, 100% locked in, like best friends, partners against the world. Like there have been times where other people are more like in my life and easier to access than you are. And like, thank goodness I have them. Thank goodness I can like go on a trip with my friend and like do XYZ thing that's like not that fun for Max and I'm more turning toward that person in a moment of crisis, for example. Yeah, the like feeling of loving you is what I'm engineering for versus the feeling of what I think marriage should look like.

SPEAKER_05 20:22

I agree with everything you said, except for that. Like, I don't really want you being more partners in crime with someone else than me. That would suck.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

I mean, but there have been times like the past couple months you've been really busy and not being out and about as much. And there are like other people that have filled that for me. But that means I just have other partners in crime.

SPEAKER_05 20:39

That's okay. But like you still come back to our house and we like debrief your day, and I get to hear about this fun trip you went on with that friend, and I get to hear about this experience you had with that other person, blah, blah, blah. Like you're still, I think it's like you're still reporting with me what it is. We're still processing stuff together. You're still calling me to invite me to something most of the time first before you call call someone else to invite them to something. Like that, that all feels good.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Interesting. I think the main thing that feels very true to me, that I believe strongly is sort of the necessary ingredient in successful lifelong partnership is there is a hierarchy, and he's number one for me.

SPEAKER_04 21:18

Yeah, that's what I want. I that's definitely what I want.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

And I think that's sort of where I get the ick with other couples, is where clearly their career or another person in their life, friend, family member, whoever is equal to or even more important to them, it seems, than their spouse. Like there's no version of my life where my career is more important and so fulfilling that it's worth my marriage being in a bad place. There's just no version of that for me.

SPEAKER_05 21:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

I love that.

SPEAKER_05 21:50

I believe in that too. I really believe in that too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

These are just like compliments I have for you guys.

SPEAKER_05 21:56

Oh, compliments are good.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Take them. Both of you guys are really good storytellers. I love the bit list. Cooper and I are going to start it. I told him about it immediately. I was like, they already have like 400. There are so many that we need to catch up on from our 12 years of being together.

SPEAKER_05 22:11

Yeah. You got to start because you start to forget them really fast.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Yes, exactly. Exactly. So I thought that was, again, very sweet. And also like the moment, you know, a nice moment within the pod where you're like, oh, they're deeply friends. You know what I mean? Which is so crucial. And I just love that.

SPEAKER_05 22:29

That's so nice.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

That's so nice. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 22:31

I'm so happy that like the bitless stuff worked for you because she, Emily and I were like, this is so cringy. It's really hard to put this out there. It feels almost like more vulnerable to be doing the bit stuff than it is to be doing the couples therapist stuff. Like it like hurts more.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

There are people that you can be attracted to, but that you don't have that type of chemistry with, where you're just like, you know, laughing so hard that no sound is coming out. That is who you should be married with. Like you can't buy that. You know what I mean? Probably.

SPEAKER_05 23:03

Okay. You have known Emily since freshman year, yeah, since you guys were 18. You've known me for the last one hour and 11 minutes or whatever. You're a listener of the show. If you had to make a call right now, if we should get married or not, what's your take?

SPEAKER_01 23:26

I think if you guys are not sure if you want to be together forever and ever and ever and ever, don't get married. Just it just often comes back to like the conversations I have in again, my life where people are trying to trying to figure out if this person is their spouse. And I'm like, it's it's not a decision, it's something that happens to you. Where you go, oh, this is my future. No. I didn't decide it. I didn't question it. There are like things about it that are scary and like things you need to sort through. But if any part of you is like, I I can imagine more than a couple scenarios where we call it quits. I kind of think you already lost the plot. Well, there you go.

SPEAKER_05 24:12

Well, I guess we're not doing it. Doing what? Getting married.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Podcast is over. Oh, we're not gonna get married. Okay, guys. Bridget said we're not gonna get married.

SPEAKER_05 24:19

Shit. No, this was what what number episode is this? Whatever number episode this is, this was the one that we had to decide no matter what the guest said. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:27

This was the yeah, yeah, yeah. That was we we rolled the dice for that one. Dang.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Well, you picked the perfect guest because I love telling people what to do.

SPEAKER_05 24:35

So it all began freshman year and it all ended right here on the show. Okay. Bridget, thank you, thank you, thank you. You're the best.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

This was so fun.

SPEAKER_05 24:46

Super fun.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

We appreciate your hot takes. Hey, thank you guys. Nice to see you. Oh, so good to see you. Maxine, what was that like for you?

SPEAKER_05 25:02

First of all, thank you, Bridget. That was sick. I thought that what she had to say was super interesting. Like, are we making this too complicated? She has this reaction to us just doing the show in a way that's like, guys, if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. To which I say, no, that's so totally not what I believe. I think that she is wrong, but she's not wrong about herself, maybe. She's not she's wrong about us, but she's not wrong about herself. And we've gotten this pushback from other people too, where it's like, guys, if it's like you don't have to have a whole podcast to figure out if you want to get married. Like you either want to or you don't. And it sounds like you don't want to, so just don't do it. And I feel very misunderstood when people say stuff like that. What would make you feel more understood? I mean, there's just the truth of it is we're both really curious. We love each other a lot. We don't just have to paint by the numbers on everything we do in our life. I would love for people to really understand that asking these questions and spending hours and hours a week talking about this and figuring this out is an expression of love for each other and a commitment to our relationship.

SPEAKER_02 26:00

Well, it kind of lines up with the couple's therapy take, which is that if you have to be working through this and thinking through this, then something's amiss. So I guess I under I understand they're they're kind of two sides of the same coin for someone who might have that perspective.

SPEAKER_05 26:13

I feel like more questions equals more interesting conversations equals you get closer to each other. And in some people, I think they think more questions equals you're showing your hand that you have doubts. And that's just not at all how I feel. I don't know. I mean, what do you think about it?

SPEAKER_02 26:29

I was impressed with her perception of maybe how the question changed slightly in the last couple months. We've definitely been having deeper, more fundamental uh conversations recently. And I'm sure that was coming through.

SPEAKER_05 26:45

Yeah. It used to be 100%, 120%. We're for sure supposed to be together for our whole lives and it's gonna be amazing, and da-da-da. And then we had we've had some challenges the last couple of months. So it's been a little bit more like, are we suited to be long term? But that's like a really small piece of the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

I agree with you. Are people seeing something that I can't see or that you can't see or we can't see together? I think that's why vulnerability is scary to me. It's like you're opening yourself up to be seen in a way that's like maybe partial or inaccurate or deeply accurate, and you don't have the balls to like say it to yourself kind of thing.

SPEAKER_05 27:17

Yeah. I think I'm like feeling a bit of a pang of that in this moment. Yeah, right after the right after the interview, Emily, you were like, wait, are we like are we like doing something bad with the show? Yeah. Because of the conversation. This show is interesting. I feel the show's made us closer.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_05 27:36

Do you actually are we just saying, yeah, I agree, or do you actually believe that?

SPEAKER_02 27:39

No, I agree. I definitely agree. I feel like I understand you a lot better. And there are topics that are like not the normal grooves of conversation for us, and we've been able to move toward those things and have conversations that are different and unique and not fun and bantery, which is the most of the mode that we're in.

SPEAKER_05 27:56

So, Emily, did this conversation with Bridget make you want to put a pebble into the bucket of get married or a pebble into the bucket of don't get married?

SPEAKER_02 28:07

I'm gonna put a gumdrop in the bucket of get married. Wow. I like this idea of we're in this forever and we're gonna like keep ourselves to each other. If something happens that changes, great, let's have a conversation then. But we don't have to have the conversation now.

SPEAKER_05 28:22

Is that I feel I feel you like change your opinion on that based on this conversation.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:27

I feel like whatever, months ago we would have potentially had the same conversation, you would say, no, I think it's really important that you like talk about the end. So that's that's that's kind of an interesting reversal.

SPEAKER_02 28:38

Who knows? I'm so recently biased in this project. What about you? Pebble.

SPEAKER_05 28:45

I want to put a pebble in the bucket of get married, but with the asterisk of I just think that it's okay for a marriage to end. I really do. Thirty years down the line, we don't want to live together anymore and we don't want to have sex anymore, and we don't really want to talk that each other much anymore. If we both want that, why would we put all this shame and I don't know, pressure on ourselves to not do it?

SPEAKER_02 29:08

I was at a event last weekend and I had a really lovely conversation with Spencer. Shout out Spencer, who I know listens. And he was talking about how everything in our life has a beginning and an end. The house that you own will begin and it will end, the job you have, the friendships you have, the relationship you have, everything. Like it is just a fact of life that things start and things end. And also like a fact of being alive is like not knowing when things will end and being able to like dive into something fully knowing that there will be a conclusion at some point. And we're like kind of obsessed with this romantic idea of the love lasts longer than my life does. And that's just not always the case. It doesn't have to be.

unknown 29:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

And we don't know, we can't grip too hard to that one timeline.

SPEAKER_05 29:51

Yeah. Thank you, Bridget.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Thank you, Bridget.

SPEAKER_05 29:54

Thanks for spicing things up with us. And in our next episode, you're gonna hear a little bit of this.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

There was a point where I had a first hangout with a friend, and I was describing this friendship with M, and he had asked me, what's the difference t between your friendship with M and your relationship with your to-be husband? And I was like, I guess the distinction is like, I have sex with one and not that with the other.

SPEAKER_05 30:22

Should We Get Married is an original series by Easily Wowed and Bad Cooley Productions. This episode was created by me, Max and Gerecki.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

And me, Emily Carter.

SPEAKER_05 30:32

And our producer, Ramoy Phillip.

SPEAKER_02 30:34

The music is the song Fake Romantic by the band Melt, logo and brand design by Madeline Vogue.

SPEAKER_05 30:40

Sound design and mixing by Ramoy Phillip.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

There are so many of you out there who are asking these exact same questions, and we don't all have to investigate marriage on our own. Subscribe to Should We Get Married and learn with us as we make our decision.

SPEAKER_06 30:54

You call me on the subway. I just wanted to feel it.