What Does a Win Look Like?

In this episode of Men’s Divorce Recovery, Dale Brown explores the question, "What does a win really look like after divorce?" Instead of chasing shallow victories, Dale unpacks five meaningful types of wins: gaining clarity, having passion, finding solidarity with others, making good decisions, and living with integrity. This episode offers a grounded perspective on success, growth, and healing during life’s most challenging transitions.

Resources: www.MensDivorceRecovery.org

Bible Verse Inspiration: Micah 6:8 (NIV): "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, I'm Nico Vitako, the writer, producer, and lead actor for the upcoming feature film Guy's Night. I'm so excited that we're partnering with Men's Divorce Recovery to help bring this movie to life and tell the story of what it's like to be a single dad following a divorce. You have the opportunity to play an important role in bringing this film to life by contributing any amount, large or small, at givebutter.com forward slash guys night. Thank you in advance for your generosity. Let's get this story out and let the world know the hard work that goes into being a dad.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Um, Chris and I decided that he's going to do a solo podcast that should have come out a couple weeks ago and it did. And his podcast is about what to do when you're in that middle of that hardest part of divorce. And man, I tell you, that's when you guys call us, it's when your life has just completely fallen apart. I was talking to somebody recently, and this guy was a 20-year Marine. He also worked in law enforcement about 15 years, retiring from them both. And yet he said he had PTSD from his ex-wife. I said, could you just tell me about that again? I was like, wow. I mean, I can't imagine being a Marine 20 years in law enforcement 15 to 20 years, and yet his ex-wife has given him the most PTSD out of all those different pretty challenging career uh paths that he chose. But that's what all this can do to you. I mean, I've seen big old burly guys just weep like babies because of the shock of going through divorce. So I really appreciate Chris uh diving into that uh subject of you know when you're just surviving. Um, we're gonna do a uh following up with what Chris did last week or a couple weeks ago, we're gonna follow up with um you know, you're fat past that part and you're kind of figuring out your life again. And we're gonna talk about what does a win look like. So I mean if you uh I think go to our website and find the the little chart on the stages of divorce. Um, the first shot uh stage of seven stages is shock. And that's where you know Chris is in that raw pain. That's where he was talking about that just in the midst of the horrible, horrible shock and pain. I mean, those usually don't last that long. I mean, you just can't stay totally shocked for very long. Your body and mind brain just can't do that. But after shock and raw pain, then you can get into anger and bargaining, and that can be a while, especially in that period between the date of separation, which is I define as when you know that you're getting divorced. Um, and that comes a lot of different ways for different guys. For me, it came uh when I came home from an overseas trip and my wife met me at the door and said, I've left you and uh we're I moved into an apartment, all these sorts of things. That's when I knew things were oh wow, this is really something that's happening. That's the date of separation from that period until the divorce is legally final. That's a very uh incredible time of uncertainty for everybody. And so you're gonna be in the anger bargaining stage, and that anger may last a whole lot longer than you can imagine, like years. But the bargaining piece is that hope that that guys hold out that their uh wife will come back to them, they'll be able to persuade them and sort come back or something like that. So um there, you know, that's a process of decoupling when you are going through this divorce process. You kind of think, you know, maybe there's a chance, um, and then you say, No, there's no way, and then you say, I really don't want to be with her because she wasn't very nice to me. But then you go, Yeah, but I'm gonna miss my family, you know, holidays, my whole family's falling apart. Um, and you you go back and forth in these thoughts and emotions from from being accepting of this to just like, oh my gosh, I'm you know, I want to get back with her again. And I've seen guys that have really been in really abusive situations still hope to get back with that person because you are what you're grieving is the dream of a family that is together, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with uh going through that process, and there is a real loss in the family togetherness with the kids and all that kind of stuff. So so don't feel bad about going through that stage, it's just one of those stages, man. It's like if you had surgery and you went to the doctor and says, Well, my arm hurts or my knee hurts where you put together that, you know, that ligament, he's gonna say, Well, that's normal for recovery. So you can't condemn yourself or beat yourself up for having pain, it's just as part of the deal. But you do want to, you know, keep moving forward um in the recovery process. But don't be surprised if you feel the shock, pain, anger, and bargaining. And then there's a stage four is when you just realize you're not going to come back together, the divorce is headed forward. Um, you know, all the negative things about that divorce kind of push in on you. And this is uh that's four stages where you can go into isolation, and that always leads to loneliness and depression. I mean, men isolate ourselves. We usually don't have great uh phone networks that can support us. Oftentimes, I think I read a statistic about 80% of men leave the church that they're in, which is incredible. You know, we're gonna work uh as a ministry here to uh help churches do better with divorced people so that when that divorce happens, they will know how to keep that man in the loop. Um, but the fourth stage is isolation slash loneliness slash depression. Um, that's a hard time, you know, and and I just encourage you to say yes to invitations. That's one of the rules we have. If somebody asks you out to do something good, not to go to the strip club, but to go to you know dinner out to eat, um, you know, go to church, go to a retreat, uh, those kinds of positive invitations, then we really encourage you to say yes to those. You may not feel like saying yes, but I'm pretty much guarantee you that you are going to be glad you went uh with that friend to that uh concert, if it's a good concert, and you went to church, you know, these are things that when our energy is low, we we don't want to get out there and push into it, but you just gotta dig deep and push that negativity aside and say yes. So the first stage shock, second stage raw pain, third stage anger and bargaining, fourth stage isolation and loneliness and possible depression. And then at some point in there, you start to sort of turn the corner, and that's when you start to realize, hey, you know, I'm feeling a little more positive now, or I think I might make it. Um, you're kind of seeing some light. We say at the end of the title, it's not a train coming at you, it's a little bit of sunshine that you can kind of see a future for yourself. The training part is puddle. After that comes reconstruction, and that's when you are putting your life back together. You're saying, okay, who am I going to be now that that I'm through this divorce? Who am I going to be that now that my previous identity in some ways was torn down? What do I want the new me to be? Um, and it's at this stage that I really want you to encourage you to think about, you know, how can God work in your life to make some changes for the positive? And you always hear us say two things. First of all, it's don't make things worse. So when you're really in that shock and raw pain stage, you're thinking all kinds of things, man. I mean, I was thinking all kinds of stuff that put me right in the pokey. I didn't act on them, but I sure thought about them. And that's what we say. You think them, just don't do them. Um, I serve in a jail as a chaplain for a very large population of over 2,000 men and women. And I guarantee you a bunch of them are in there because they could not control their minds. Their minds, their thinking turned into action. And you can get arrested for actions, you know. Still, it's I think it's only for actions at this point in this country. Hopefully it's stay that way. Um, but but just you know, you can think bad stuff, just don't do it. So don't make things worse by doing bad things. The second thing is, and this is what a win is, is at the end of the day, say to yourself, hey, uh at the end of the day, I want to have finished well. I don't want, I don't want this thing to take me out of the game. I don't want this thing to ruin my life. I don't want to be, you know, the 65, 70-year-old guy in my underwear and my little you know, tank top, you know, doing stuff to in my one-bedroom apartment after I get home from work, drinking myself silly, just sitting there watching football all day long or whatever it is. Just say I'm not gonna be that dude. That is not gonna be me. And I had to make that decision for the first time when all this came down for the first time in like decades, I didn't have to go to church. I didn't have to live out my Christian life. I had a job as a hospice chaplain, but this company I work for, 10,000 employees didn't care what I bid. So morally, I didn't have any constraints. And I thought, man, man, I could do what I well I've heard all this is so fun, but then I thought, that's not the way I want to end up. I don't want to be that dude uh that's bitter old and just a goofball. I wanted I wanted to end up strong, and I wanted to, at the end of the day, to say, you know, hard things happened to him, but he overcame those things through the power of God. Um, and so it's so those are two sorts of ways when you're in the middle of the pain to reset your compass to true north. Say, look, I'm I'm gonna think, I can think what I want, but I'm not gonna do those bad things. That's gonna be damaging. I'm not gonna make things worse. And then then way on down the road, you know, 30 years, 40 years, whatever it is, at the end of the day, when they put me in the ground, they're gonna talk about me in a very positive way. So kind of put some flesh around those goals, you know, those kinds of things that we're thinking about, then then I want to think about what does a win look like? And you know, a lot of guys never think about this. So many people are unsuccessful and because they they don't know what, you know, they don't they don't really have any clarity about you know what their what their life is for. Um, and so every guy goes to these crises, whatever it is, usually somewhere in midlife, and they have to ask themselves, you know, what am I here for? And if you answer that question wrongly, they're gonna waste the next 30, 40 years of your life uh suing things that don't matter. You know, somebody said, you know, I climbed the wrong mountain, I climbed up and got to the top of the mountain and looked across and discovered I I climbed the wrong mountain. I think uh David Brooks has a book called Two Mountains. You know, it's the the right one or the wrong one. Um so many people climb the ladder of success just to find out it's leaning against the wrong wall. So so as you look forward to to what uh a win looks like, then I'm gonna suggest five wins. These are found on days 45 through 50, I believe, on my book called Bailey Survival Guide for Divorced Men, days one through 91. And so right in the middle of this book I wrote, um, I really feel like God gave me this devotional days 45 through about 90, has this little section on what does a win look like. And I suggest in this in my book that the win looks like five things. First, a win looks like clarity. You have clarity about your life. Secondly, it's passion, you have energy for your life. Thirdly, the third win is solidarity with others, that you're doing life with someone shoulder to shoulder, not alone. Fourth one is that a win definitely looks like solid decisions. You make good decisions now that are going to produce positive results. The fifth win is integrity, is that you at the end of the day we know that you're a man of integrity. So let me just talk about those briefly. The first one we talk about what does wind look like? And it is definitely clarity. William Arthur Ward said that the pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, and the realist adjusts the sails. So uh, you know, when you get in a hard time, you can so super pessimistic. I got so angry and upset, and the whole world's totally sucked. I mean, I was all there. That's a pessimist, and you're I was just complaining about the wind dies in. Um, but then I was also on the other side of that. I knew not to be well, I have to say, I have to take this back a little bit. The optimist William Arthur Ward says it expects the wind to change, and I did expect it to change way in my favor, way too fast. So I was a I did some sailing about 25 years ago. I really loved it, a 28-foot boat. Um, and I'd learned, man, whatever wind you have is what you're gonna get. You get on that lake, you get on the ocean, and it's a five-mile-an-hour wind out of the southeast. You can't say, Well, I wish it was, you know, 10 mile-an-hour wind or 10-knot wind out of the north. Whatever that wind is, that's what you got. And the the challenge is then to adjust the sails and adjust your course uh to match that wind to get where you're going. And you can do that downwind and you can do it upwind. Uh tacking, I think, is more fun. It certainly uh makes for a rockier boat, and your boat gets to heel over, and it's all awesome. But anyway, back to this podcast. So clarity. Clarity is saying, here's what reality is. Now, why does God want me to learn from this? And and how does he want me to approach this reality of the wind the way it is? Um, and this clarity really begins with your view of God, your view of the world. We call that your worldview. So everyone has a worldview, and your your worldview answers four questions. So people don't usually think, well, my worldview consists of these answers to these four questions. But everybody, whether they know it or not, they are answering these four questions um in some way, and that is a worldview. So uh the four questions that people are answering are where did I come from? Number one, what went wrong? Because we know something things were not the way it's supposed to be, number two. Number three is if it's being fixed, who is fixing it? And number four is what is my place in that world. So you really have two choices when it comes to your your worldview. First, is there a supernatural, a suit, an over nature, outside of nature reality? We'd call that God, or some sort of transcendence, something that's uh outside of the physical universe that we see and experience, um, or not. And if you say or not, then you say, well, this is you know, the my I am a scientific naturalist, I'm a materialist, and the only reality is material. Um, so that's uh, you know, people choose that. I think I don't think it's a right choice by any means. I think that um that's a very narrow choice that is informed um by a narrow set of parameters. Um I have a science background, I fully you know embrace science. Um, in fact, my worldview encompasses all that a scientist and a person who is a who is believes in scientism, which is that only reality is material. I embrace that that reality, the one I'm in, because I am in a material world, but a supernature, supernatural worldview that there is a God. So here's this God, the Bible tells us who He is. He is for you, He is on your side, He will strengthen you, He is the God who is for you and on your side, He is the God that has through the death of his Son given you the right to sonship. So when you understand that, then you can really push forward. And that's the first, that's the first thing to settle in your heart. Why do I believe about God? In the back of my book, um, I have an appendix called You Need Jesus, and I would suggest you grab onto that and look at it. It tells you how to come to Christ, how to find your place in God's world, how to experience His love, and get that clarity. But but when you get that clarity about God, then you get clarity about the rest of your life. So so in my book, um Daily Survival Guide for Divorced Men, then I have um it's divided up into a word from God, you know, Bible verse, a thought for the day, which I just read you, some think thoughts about the thought for the day in this topic, and then I have some questions uh called think about it, and then a life commitment. So the think about it for this day, which is day 46 about clarity. I ask these questions thinking back on your life, can you remember a time when you were really clear about what to do or what the future could hold for you? So, guys, think about that. Was there a time when you knew what you wanted to do? You know, think about that. You know, were you called to your career? Did you know you're supposed to marry that that uh woman or whatever it is? Just ask yourself, have I ever really been clear about life? Um, and then ask yourself the second question: Are you confused or clear about things now? Where do you stand with clarity now? And then ask yourself, what specific areas are you confused about? I would suggest, and we'll talk about that in a few minutes, um, that when it comes to like solid decisions, that you're gonna we're gonna encourage you to ask God for wisdom. So if you're unclear about your life, this is a time to just say, God, show me, show me what to do. Uh, we'll talk about that in just a bit. So the life commitment for this particular day, day 45, daily survival guide for divorced men, is I commit to asking God to give me clarity about myself, his view of me, and how to think about and respond to my current situation. All right, so clarity is the first one. The second one is passion. Man, there is nothing like divorce to just retire. I am a bike rider. I love to ride my bike outside. Um, one time I had two flats on one 25-mile ride, and that's a pretty bad day. But uh, you know, most of my flats are just slow leaks. You know, they are just, yeah, I I in fact, it's this road next to our house. I don't know how in the world this thing has so much junk on it, but I will literally, on a normal summer season, have to fix my tire maybe three to five times on this road. It's really amazing. But usually, you know, I ride, I get home, and the next morning I come out and then the tire's flat. My back tire, I'm like, oh man. And these are mountain bike tires, they're not like little road tires. So that's usually the way it goes. But one day I remember a boy, I was riding along, I was having a great time, and just before I got home, then my tire just went to the ground immediately. I mean, it was a boom boom boom boom boom. And this was a big old Texas thorn that put a put a hole in my tire. And you know, that's the way divorce is, it just takes the life out of you. Now, when it comes to a flat tire, I know I know what to do. I'm pretty much an expert by now because I've changed so many flat tires on my bike. But when it comes to a flat soul, when you have a hole in your soul that's punched by something like divorce, it's a little more difficult to figure out how to get that passion back. I suggest again that part of that passion is going to be when you become clear about who you are, who God is, and what your mission in life is. So this is really a great time to step back and ask yourself, what is my mission? What is my mission? And the way to do that is to ask yourself, you know, what stirs my heart? Um, and I I'm saying I'm talking about desires here, and I'm assuming that your desires are stirred by godly things and not by ungodly things. So every man's heart is stirred by lust. There's no doubt about that. Your heart, your desire may be stirred by the desire to do drugs or drink or something like that. But ask God, give me clarity about who I am, God, and then put into my heart the desires you want me to have, because God will give you the desires to fulfill his mission in your life. And he does have a mission in your for your life. He has a general mission. We're all to love God and love people. Uh, Matthew 22, there's no doubt about that. But then he has a specific mission for you to fill your life. It's never too late. Jump into that mission. Most some of the most amazing people I know are people who spent 25, 30 years in prison. They get Jesus, they come out, and man, they are on fire, and they are remembered when they pass for what they did after they got out of prison, after they found Jesus, way more than uh for what got them into prison. So we all are in prison. We all have our little jail cells. It's anger, it's there's uh pornography, it's adultery, it's drinking, it's uh you know, materialism, whatever. And when God breaks you out of that jail, then you are going to find your life mission. So uh the life commitment for this day, which is day 47, which is about passion, is I commit to asking God to give me clarity about who he wants me to be and what he wants me to do with the rest of my life. I would really suggest uh getting Rick Warren's book, The Purpose-Driven Life. That is the most concise, succinct uh picture of the Christian life that I think is in print. It's amazing, and that is worth reading. Uh, Warren does a great job of really focusing who you are in Christ and then uh what your passion can be. So we're talking about what does a win look like? And I believe it takes it it consists of five different facets. The first is clarity, the second is passion, the third one is solidarity with others. Um, I am remarried, and Kelly's an amazing person. God put her right in my life, right when I needed her, and she and I have a life verse together, and it is this it's Ecclesiastes chapter four, verses nine through twelve. And it says this two are better than one because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pay the man who falls down and has no one to help him up. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. Ecclesiastes four, nine through twelve. So this is so incredibly important that you do not do this by yourself. You do not go through this journey alone. Most men do, and that's a big mistake. Uh at Mr. Barcel Cover, you heard Chris and and I talk a lot about Chris and me, I should say, you heard us talk a lot about the necessity for you to lead your team to get through this. When you're face down on the turf, you have Got to start building your team. We can help you do that. Um, your team consists of one or two good friends who are willing to listen to you, spill your beans, spill your guts, and do that again and again and again without uh judging you, without ragging on you, without getting tired of listening to you. And just tell them I'm sorry I have to say this again. This is what happened. And then after that, say, okay, I know in a year from now I'm I'm sure I'm not going to be doing this, but thank you for listening. You need those kinds of friends, one or two, not a lot, just a couple. And they're godly men. They're not the guys that are gonna drag you off onto you know drunken, uh binging uh hunting uh trip or something, or out down to the strip club. These are guys you can count on. You need a pastor or a men's ministry leader, you need a good therapist. I we always recommend that, but I emphasize good, a godly therapist. Um, a lawyer, you need that person on your team. You your medical doctor can be on the on the outs outside of your team, but on the fringes, maybe I should say you go to him or her and and say, here's what I'm going through. Tell me what I should be watching for. If you start feeling sick, that you go uh to that medical professional and get that help you need. Um, and you may need a financial advisor too. Those are some people that can be on your team, but you really can't do this alone. Um, I found this first, Proverbs 18, verse 1, because I think a lot about young men today, especially the isolation, they are lonely and they're playing video games and just kind of really isolated. Proverbs 18, one says, Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire. He breaks out against all sound judgment. And man, that is so true. Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire. When you get by yourself, that's when the devil gets you and starts twisting those good desires into something evil and horrible. Um, when you get by yourself, then you start thinking, I am so super smart. And like the writer Proverbs says, he breaks out against all sound judgment. You start doing stupid stuff and confront you about it and say, I I'm not doing that. That's okay. I, or if you justify that bad behavior, I can do this. So, you know, isolation is a it's just a deal breaker for your Christian walk and for your growth as a man. So you've got to get into some kind of church, got to get some friends, you've got to get into some sort of men's group. There are even online men's groups that are really good. Um, don't isolate yourself. We we are taught and designed as men to compete against each other. We are we have we always have somebody over us and we have people under us. Um, but the trouble is just being in this ladder of like uh hierarchy in the male world is that if someone's only over you and people are either, I should say only over you or under you, then there's no one beside you. That's not the way the kingdom uh kingdom should be at all. So um, you know, I really encourage us to reach out and get some help. So on the think about it section for this day, then I have a scale on a scale of zero to ten, which zero being not lonely at all, to ten being absolutely completely lonely, then how lonely are you? Guys, divorced men find themselves so alone, especially if you're the one who had to move out, which you probably are. You're in a new apartment or something, you're by yourself, you're not with friends, you're you're missing your family. I mean, this is a real time of danger for us when it comes to loneliness. So we want to be in solidarity with others, we want to build that team. Any other promise is when you get through your divorce, you'll be able to turn around and help somebody else uh in their divorce. And that is where you'll be the help that you want right now. Um, on that same think about it section, I have this encouragement or I should say sort of command. I say, list two guys you know you can call anytime, day or night for help. Then I say, if the two lines above are blank, list two guys who you think might be willing to be your friend, and list their phone number. Now I say, call the first one on your list, take them to lunch or something, be creative. And I'd say it really can't be that hard to get together. Um, dogs do it, we can do it too. Um, and you know what? If you're just at that place, then we can help you as well, men's divorce recovery. Um, this is actually why I um put in my book, Give Me a Call. So I've had a few people call out, actually call me physically and on the phone, and Chris uh Espinoza is one of those guys, so that's why we're partners today, because he uh made that call. So the prayer for that day is really it's not a commitment, it's it's a commitment, I should say, in a prayer. It says, I commit to resisting the urge to turtle. I'm asking God to bring into my life some other man who can walk beside me. All right, your fourth win is good solid decisions. I'm gonna quote James chapter one, verses five through eight. And uh in this New Testament book of James, and the writer who is James says, If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. He's a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James chapter 1, verses 5 through 8. Uh last Sunday in the jail that I serve in, then we have three Sunday morning services for Protestant Christians, and and the f we had maybe 50 guys that day. And uh when they were coming in, I was greeting them, and and two of them were like 20 years old. And I said, How old are you? And they said, like 19, the other one said 20. I said, What are y'all doing in here? I mean, come on, man. I mean, this is you have a whole life to live, and you've been arrested for something. So then when all the guys were sitting down in the uh in the worship center, then I said, Who in here is in your 50s? And about three to five guys raised their hand. I said, Okay, you guys in the 50s, what would you say to these two guys on the front row who are in their like 20 years old? And I was trying to say these young guys, if you want to be this dude who's 55 and has spent 30 years in the prison system, keep doing what you're doing. But I would listen to what this dude who has spent 30 years in and out of prison, I'd listen to what he says and do what he says. So one guy, when this guy's in his 50s, he said just unequivocally, get a job, work hard, get a family, love your family, take care of them, and and you know, do the best you can everything you do, follow God. I thought, wow, that guy said way more. He said, I could have said the same thing, and I do. Doesn't mean near as much as that guy in his 50s saying that to the guy, the kids in their 20s. So uh, you know, all this is about making right decisions. And when you're in a mess, whether it be jail or or uh or just going through a divorce, we can choose to make some bad decisions. Um, and you know, we can become so disheartened and depressed that we just don't care what we decide. But that's like dangerous. So there's nothing more dangerous than a man who doesn't have anything to lose. So I really encourage you to make some great decisions, and those are godly decisions. And really, what God wants you to do is just make the uh next right decision. So in this day, which is day 49, which is the win making solid decisions, then I have some um things that you can do. And the first one is seek God first and ask him to guide you. James says, if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God. So, yeah, for me, there's not a if it's a win. I lack wisdom. It's something that's part of my human nature and part of me. But the promise is if you ask God, he will give you wisdom. Um, he's gonna give that to you. So you should be looking for that wisdom. Second part of this is to trust that God will speak through smart people. Um, you know, we're all listening to everybody else. Another thing I ask in this jail when are we on Sunday mornings, we have 50, 60 guys in there, and I say, Who are your leaders? And a few may raise their hand. I said, No, absolutely, all of y'all are leaders. You're influencing people. You who are 25, you're influencing somebody who's 16. How are you influencing them? If you are influencing people, which all of us are, you are a leader. So, you know, we listen to the wrong people. Um, and we neglect to listen to smart people. Um, one of our volunteers comes into jail and he he spent 38 years in the state prison system for all kinds of charges. Great Christian guy now, amazing speaker, really amazing guy. And he will say to these inmates who are in a county jail. County jail is not a prison, so these are pre-trial. They some of them may go on to the state prison system, but most of them will be released. But he says, you know, to them, he says, those smart people in your life, like your family, you didn't want to pay attention to them. You ran away from them when you were out there, and you got your supposedly friends, and you're in here because of those supposed friends. But he says, How many of those friends of yours, quote, friends, has actually given you any money on your books? How many friends of your friends have come to visit you? And yet you are reaching out to your family, you're reaching out to your the good people in your life, the church people in your life to try to get you out. Well, a lot uh just skip all that and start listening to the smart, good people in your life. So um I again go back to building the team. You're most likely to be helped by a trusted friend, a pastor, a professional counselor, and then a lawyer. Those those are the core group of people that are gonna get you through this. So be willing to listen to smart people. God uses smart people to talk to you. He's not gonna send you an email, he will talk to you in your prayer time, no doubt about that. He is definitely gonna talk to you through his word, the Bible, but he's also gonna use these people to help you out. So your goal as I write is just to do the next right thing. Um, when I talk about the think about it section here in this day 49, then I write this. Do you believe God is the smartest being in all the universe and beyond, and that he wants to guide you for his glory and for your good? And I would add for the good of the world. Well, if you're not willing, the second point here is would you be willing to give him the chance to lead you? So I really encourage you to build this, build this team, guys. Get get a team that's gonna help you make good, solid decisions because your decision making, your little decision maker in your brain may be a little broken, it dented up, it may not be working too well. So you got to trust other smart people to uh to at least give you some wisdom. The fifth one is integrity. So we've talked about clarity, pression, solidarity with others, solid decisions, and integrity. Um integrity just comes at the end of the day saying, you know, I am on the inside who I am on the outside. You know, I heard somebody describe it this way. If I get a watermelon and I get a big old machete and chop it in half, then I am gonna expect to see watermelon inside. What if you chopped it in half and you saw like a you know 40 quartz of oil or whatever inside? You'd be really shocked about that. Um, integrity means that we are on the inside what we are showing on the outside. And the best way to live is just with the highest integrity. I know so many guys struggling with porn, so many guys struggling, especially when you're in the middle of divorce, you're struggling with being honest or not. The best way is just take the high road, take the high road and do the best you can. I remember I had this guy one time I was pastoring, and he's supposedly such a great Christian guy. He and his wife, they were the most amazing Christians in the world. And uh, at least they thought and they came in, made appointments to see me. And so we sat down in my office and I said, What are you here? And he basically was that he was divorced, and when he got divorced, and he didn't disclose everything in his divorce, and his now ex-wife suspected that big shocker there, and she was gonna come at him and he was asking me what to do. I was thinking, uh, why is the question here? I mean, you lied, and now you're expecting me to say, Oh, just keep on lying. I mean, no way, dude. You you made this bed, brother. You're gonna have to lay down and sleep in it, as painful as it might be. But it was amazing how he had talked himself into maybe, maybe the pastor was gonna give him a pass on this. And I was like, No, you have to come clean. And the promise is if you live a life of integrity, God will honor you for that. God will honor you. And it's gonna hurt sometimes. You gotta resist those shortcuts, you gotta do the next right things. So, under the think about it section here, I say, in what areas have you been tempted to compromise? And then the second part, what steps can you take to keep you whole, sound, and complete? And the life commitment is I commit to seeking God first, trusting Him for my future, improving my trust in Him by making decisions that maintain my integrity. So that is the last day. So days 45 through 50 are these five uh wins, and I'll review them again. What does a win look like when you're in the middle of your divorce? You need to put your eyes on the prize. You might not have a lot of energy to do these things. You just say, God, I'm gonna do best I can this day. I'm gonna call it a win. If I get through this day uh with fulfilling some of these things, but bottom line is seeking clarity, asking God to give you clarity for your life. That's a big thing, that's gonna take a while. Then ask God to get your passion back. Man, when you're divorced, it's like a big old flat tire. Just ask God to get your passion back, and He will do it. You're gonna get through it, He's gonna give you passion for something. Then the third one is solidarity with others, sticking with others. Don't isolate, guys. Do not isolate. First one is making solid decisions, decide now you're gonna end this thing well, and then fifth one is integrity. It sure is just a lot easier to live with integrity. So I hope this helps you. Uh, we're here to help men's divorce recovery. Uh, we love you guys. We're sorry for what you're going through. We have been through it. We know the pain and the agony and the heartache and a heartbreak. It is awful. Um, but we are happy to help you through it. I would encourage you to get my book. Um, as I say, it's the book that I wish I had had, and I hope no one else ever needs. Unfortunately, you need it. Um, but I did write it. I think God really gave it to me. Um, and this is a book that will help you get through this one day at a time. 91 days, there's short little chapters, like maybe a day and a half to, I mean a page and a half to maybe two, some things to think about. Just a lot of guys will say, you know, I'm just doing it when I can, not every day. I'm like, that's all right. This is not for you to do this thing every day and get done in 91 days. It's for God to use in your life however he sees fit. Chris and I also welcome uh would be happy to coach you. You can see information on the website there. Um, new things are coming. We got a new Radcast podcast distributor, and that's gonna help us get the word out a little bit more. Um, we also have some other things that are coming up, and we'll get you informed about those when we uh when they become realities. All right. Remember, guys, don't make it worse, and determine now you're gonna finish well. See you next time. Bye bye.