'The C Word with Catharine Redden'
START HERE → BLOODY HORRENDOUS
If you’re new and wondering where to begin, scroll nearly to the bottom and find Bloody Horrendous.
It was my second episode, and it’s still the one people land on.
It’s about first periods.
Not the neat version. The real one.
• What it was actually like
• What we weren’t told
• What’s changed (thank god)
• What hasn’t (of course)
It’s funny in parts, uncomfortable in others, and very recognisable if you’ve ever had a body that does things without asking your permission.
THE C-WORD WITH CATHARINE REDDEN
A podcast for difficult women.
Inside:
• Bodies that don’t behave
• Anxiety that doesn’t respond to medication tested predominantly on men, while being told to just meditate
• Ageing without apology
• Small, everyday moments where sexism just… hums in the background
No self-improvement arc.
No neat conclusions.
Just the ongoing, slightly absurd experience of being a woman paying attention.
This is what it sounds like from inside one life.
Not polished.
Not resolved.
Just said out loud.
Welcome to the party of women’s direct experience.
'The C Word with Catharine Redden'
I Recorded Myself Having a Panic Attack (FIELD NOTES)
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
We say “panic attack” all the time.
This is what one actually sounds like.
Includes a real-time recording of a panic attack.
Content note: discussion of suicidal thoughts.
Please take care. Support links are in the show notes.
🎙️👀 What worked? What dragged? What made you mutter “Jesus Christ, Catharine”? Tell me.
Content Note
This podcast gets into bodies, panic attacks, trauma, sexism, mental health, and the occasional emotional sinkhole. Please look after yourself only listen when you feel safe to engage with potentially triggering material.
Also, I swear.
Support
These aren’t here as a formality. I’ve used some of these myself.
Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7)
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (ages 5–25)
1800RESPECT 1800 737 732
Emergency 000
Outside Australia, local crisis services are available.
The Socials (I'd love a follow)
Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/catharine.redden/
LinkedIn
https://www.linkedin.com/in/catharine-redden/
Support The Pod
Substack (where I write stuff)
https://catharineredden.substack.com
Buy Me a Coffee (where you can financially support the pod, and me!)
https://buymeacoffee.com/CatharineRedden
Credits
Recorded on the lands of the Ramindjeri and Ngarrindjeri peoples.
Sovereignty never ceded.
Recorded & edited at Ridley Farm Studio by Luke Ridley
https://ridleyfarmstudio.com.au...
Okay, um I'm I'm gonna do something. I don't know if I should or not. I'm gonna record me having a panic attack. Um I think I've stopped the recording. So there's uh the sorry I'm shivering. I um I'm in bed. This one came on a bit later than than normal. About six o'clock past five. I woke up and I I didn't feel great, but I didn't I don't want to go for a walk. I didn't identify it as a p panic attack straight away. But then when I was really cold and like the only thing that would would Sorry it's hard to think straight. The only thing that would help is is me either rubbing my leg or like shaking. That kind of I it's a feeling of dread. It's anxiety in my stomach, my chest. That's a physical pain. And I'm really thirsty. I think that's from all the shaking. But I don't know if I've got any water left and I'm I'm not as dumb as it sounds, I don't think I can get up. When I had my first panic attack, which was on the very first IUAK well panic attack that I recognized was on my uh was on the first RUAK day. He coincidentally had a doctor's appointment and had pushed through what I just thought was pan like I mean I identified it as extreme anxiety, but I didn't know I could take care of myself. So I was going to the doctor for something else. And he gave me a Xanax with a panic, which which after a while worked. Like I got an Uber home and and the panic went away and I slept and slept and slept. I mean, so began my journey with Xanax, which turned into addiction. Um I was taking up to ten a day, and really not I mean I'd lost my job, you you can't so the shaking stopped at the moment. Oh, but now I'm rubbing my leg. Okay. This goes on for hours. Uh the time now is eight o'clock, so it's been going on maybe for an hour and a half, maybe for longer. I don't I don't know. I doze a bit, bit. I I don't know what's caused it. I mean I could list a few things, but there's no specific thing with my panic attacks. Because I have complex and I'm talking slowly, so hopefully they'll uh uh uh understand. I have complex CPTSD. So with someone who's got PTSD, typically they've got a single catastrophic event that triggered the trauma. And that's not always the case, but it's often the case, like a bomb going off right next to them. Or being in a being in a car crash. And so their panic attacks might be triggered by loud and this is simplistic, and I I'm sorry if you have PTSD and I I'm not explaining it well. But but but their panic attacks are typically triggered by, you know, if if if if they have it because they experienced a bomb going off, then it might be loud noises or sudden movements or you know, but with the CPSD, which stands for complex or sometimes it's childhood, but that means for me, oh I've got a moment of not shivering, that's good. I'll try and talk a bit more. Excuse me. I don't know what I was saying. Oh yeah. It means I've got a series of things that triggered the trauma when I was a child. So being smacked for not tidying up the kitchen after I cooked, I know, and you know, I don't know what age I would have been, ten or whatever. Uh being smacked in the car with a shoe for I don't even know what buying too much stuff at the night. I just wanna I mean it doesn't it can happen at any age, but I was a primary school age and this stuff happened. So I used to do this a bit of shopping on the way home. If one of my parents was still at work, and then if I bought too much stuff, I'd get smacked. Um when I was really small, uh my asthma was really bad. And I was the oldest. I had a baby brother when I was two, and then another baby brother when I was four. I didn't have them, mum had them. And so if my asthma was playing up and the boys needed attention, if they were crying or whatever, and I asked for help, then I would sometimes get a smack, or sometimes I would get ignored. Um once I when my I was two, because I it was when my middle brother was crying and I really needed my puffer and I was told to get it because it was on in the medicine chest which was on top of the fridge. Um so I pushed a chair up to the st the the strip fridge was next to the stove. So I pushed a chair up to the stove. Now I don't know if anything was boiling or not or whatever, but climbed onto the stove and then onto the top of the fridge and got my puffer. And when I went to get down, the chair wasn't there anymore. It had been um removed. And I I you know, so there's all that kind of stuff. I mean, and part of the problem with talk therapy is you don't really want to relive that stuff. But I guess what I'm trying to say is it's a lot of stuff that triggers me. And a lot of it I can't explain. And a lot of it's what people would consider well it is, you know, normal socialization stuff. Going to the shops, cooking, having medication, upsetting someone in a conversation. And so yeah. So I guess it's not I d I don't know what triggers them. In fact, it's just life, and I I don't engage with life much because of the panic attacks, but I do try, you know, like I do I know that it's helpful for me to go out and stuff. Um I don't know what's happening with my phone. So what'll happen now with my panic attacks normally is this will go on for a few more hours. I'll drink some water. This one I would consider it if the Richter scale's eleven, I don't even know. Let's say the panic Richter scale is eleven. Call this a seven or the panic scale or an eight. So debilitating, but I can still get up and fill up my water bottle with with a bit of thinking about it, and I can still get up and go to the toilet, but I couldn't get up and have a shower. I couldn't, I can't, I can't go out. I can't go out. I can't, I couldn't leave my bedroom. In the past I have, and that's had really bad effects. That that's had incredibly bad effects when I pushed through and went to work. You know, I people would think I was having a psychotic break and stuff like that, and that, you know, so I I can't do that anymore, which makes full-time work impossible. But doesn't make podcasting impossible. There are things I can say, I'm actually gonna go because I feel like shit. I'm actually gonna go. I need to have a drink and I want to try and get warm. That's in the other thing is you feel really cold, that's how I know because I don't really feel the cold normally. So if I feel cold, that's a really big sign that something's going on. Like I normally sleep with the fan on, no matter what weather it is. Excuse me, but I wake up really cold because I'm well that's a physiological thing because I'm panicking. Like I'm in a state of fight, flight, or flight, or fight or freeze, or whatever it is. I'm in that state because of the immense panic. Um, what was I saying? Uh, all the blood rushes to your vital organs to make sure they've got enough whatever it is, blood or whatever, to keep going when you need to fight or fly your way out of this set situation. Stuttering's another sign, but but yeah, I'll um what'll happen now is I'll just stay in bed until the shivering stops, and then I'm normally exhausted for the rest of the day. Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna gonna sign off now. I don't know if this has helped, I don't know.