Episode 15: How the VA Process Impacts Veteransʼ Wives and Families

In this episode, VEV Founder and CEO Robert Pinero is joined by his wife, Jillian Pinero, Senior Coach James  Lefever, and Coach Cody to discuss how the VA disability process impacts veterans' spouses and families.

While veterans often focus on their symptoms, claims, and ratings, family members frequently experience the day-to-day challenges of living with service-connected disabilities and supporting veterans through life after military service.

In this episode, we cover:

•  How military service and service-connected disabilities affect spouses and families
•  Why veterans often overlook symptoms that loved ones recognize immediately• The role spouses can play throughout the VA disability process
• Common challenges military families face after transitioning to civilian life
• How PTSD, chronic pain, and other conditions impact relationships and parenting
• Real-world examples of the adjustments families make to support veterans
• Why family observations can provide valuable insight into a veteran's daily struggles

This episode helps veterans and their families better understand the challenges that can come with service-connected disabilities and highlights the important role spouses often play in supporting veterans throughout their VA journey.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Denied, delayed, underrated? That's the story for too many veterans, including me. Hey veterans and the families listening in, welcome. My name is Robert Pinero. I'm a Marine Combat Veteran and the founder of Veterans Educating Veterans. I've served two tours in Iraq, and like many veterans, I know how hard it is to get service connected and navigate the VA system. After service, I was frustrated in pain and told no more times than I can count. Even by VA attorneys. So instead of giving up, I decided to learn the VA process myself. That's what Veterans Educating Veterans is built on. We educate and guide veterans through the VA compensation process, step by step, helping you understand how the system works so you can move forward with confidence, not confusion. I do this work alongside my wife Jillian and for our two daughters because our families live with the impact of service long after the uniform comes off. You deserve the benefits you've earned, not just for yourself, but for the family that stands beside you. Welcome to the war room.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

The war room by veterans educating veterans.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Every claim is different, so don't take this as an individual guidance. Welcome back to another uh war room episode. Uh today we have a substitute for one of our coaches. It's actually uh he had the first VEV baby. Um so Jesse is not here today. Congratulations, Jesse on your um baby and my nephew. Um so filling in for him is Gillian Pinero. She is also my wife, also my business partner, and the what can I say about your title?

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Uh everything. The voice of the company, the client operations, staffing operations.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

So uh introducing Gillian Pinero. I have uh with us Coach Cody and our senior coach James Lafever.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

What's going on, guys?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

All right. Um, we have an exciting topic today, of course, because Gillian's in the room. Um, we're gonna talk about how the VA process impacts uh veteran wives and families. Um so I like to start it off with Gillian. Um how do you think the VA uh process has affected our relationship uh with stress, frustration?

SPEAKER_02 2:59

I definitely think a lot of it in the beginning, like when you were going through the process before you got your rating and all that, I think it was tough just in general because work, right? Like getting out of the military. I read somewhere that statistically Marines actually have the hardest time relating back to civilian life than any other branch. So I think when I first met you, you were freshly out, right? Like you had literally been back from Iraq within a couple of years, not even. So um finding work was tough. Keeping work was tough, keeping those relationships with people, getting back into the civilian life, and um, you know, just worrying about how our bills were gonna get paid, how, you know, what if something happens to you at work and you have a trigger at work, learning your triggers is hard, and now we don't have a job. So waiting and years went by before you even got your initial rating. So um I think that was stressful a lot, especially in the beginning before we were able to like figure it out and and things like that. Um that's what I think.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Cool. Okay. Um, so what do you think most people uh misunderstand uh about veteran spouses?

SPEAKER_02 4:15

So I think um to like people that aren't married to a vet, and I don't know if all wives feel this way or or not, but for me personally, learning um how to just cope and deal with your triggers and knowing certain things that aren't a big deal to me could be a big deal to you. And a lot of people that live the civilian lifestyle don't realize that, you know, inside somebody who was in the military, like your brains are just different. So me learning how to just kind of step back. I have like a very passive, I think, um personality, right? So just saying. Um I'm very like, you have something that you need to say?

SPEAKER_05 4:57

Use your words wisely.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Speaking of passive, no, but I am like, you know, I'm just more like I let a lot of things just roll off where some people are like, oh my god, that would drive me crazy. This would drive me crazy. And I think just understanding your whys behind your doing things as opposed to the fact that it's not um, you know, because you're a control freak, or it's not because, you know, you always look in at the best in things, you know, just things like that where me, I'm very um not like that. Like I say all the time, I could go out and just turn my brain off because I know that he's looking at every all my surroundings. I'm not looking at that. You know what I mean? Like I don't care. I know when he's there, he's looking at who's who's walking in the door, who's walking out of the door, where the exits are, where this, where that. Where me, I'm just like, eh, whatever. Um, and certain things could be like, no, don't do this, don't do that. And I think um just understanding why I am the way I am with you, or just wives in general, I think it takes a lot of understanding to people to understand why they do that. Like, how can you be so passive? How can that not bother you? And it's just like it's not because he's he's not doing it on purpose. That's just how his brain is trained, and that's just how the military trained you guys. And I understand that. Um, you know, even like with our kids, there's times where, you know, our kids are small, they don't listen. And I'm like, oh, they're running in front of us, they're fine. And he's just like, no, they need to stay close by. God forbid something happens where his mind automatically goes to the worst thing. Like, no, somebody could come out, somebody can grab them, they can get run over by a car, that this can happen, this can happen. And I'm just like, eh, they're fine. They're kids, they'll they'll be okay. So um, I think it's a lot of misunderstanding in that where it makes us look like what like we don't care, but in the reality, it's just that we're learning to deal with our spouse.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

So I I I like to include Cody in here. Cody, Cody, what do you what what kind of what kind of conversations does your wife have with you about certain things with you that you probably don't see that are blind spots?

SPEAKER_05 7:04

Um in regards to what I'm told that I do wrong as far as uh that's that's the norm. So um there's a lot of stuff that we don't see eye to eye when it comes to this type of thing. Um as far as like like you mentioned, um, the kids, especially what you just talked about. Um it goes right into um I have I'm trying to develop a plan of okay, they're running away, and I'm trying to figure out a plan of worst case scenario if something came up and I need to figure out a plan of how to protect them, whereas she's like, oh, just let them be kids for the most part. So in in that aspect, um we're very different when it comes to that.

SPEAKER_04 7:44

So um that's in general that's that's pretty much uh I don't know, my brain turns on, I guess, something that like I always gotta be watchful.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

I always gotta think of the worst scenario, and you're always planning in hardwired. Yeah, like I'm thinking of the worst scenario ever uh when we're doing that.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

Um James wants to say something so bad right now, like he's just go ahead, say it, say it, go.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

So I think a lot of this really stems more from that it's a traditional father role figure. But with the military, I think it elevates it to another level is really what it comes down to. So I think that's what you see is just more of I don't want to say hyper-vigilant level, but I think that's really what it comes down to, just because especially as a Marine, as Marines, um, the just everything's ingrained in you. It seems you know more impactful. And I think with that everything is planned out. And then once you leave the military, uh it's you get total chaos or total freedom. And you can go one way or the other, and in a lot of you know, prior military people they're used to that structure of okay, today I wake up at 6 a.m. I gotta be here for PT Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I have at 7 a.m. formations, I you know, Thursdays field days, and Friday I have duty and firewatch. There's so much structure and that's gone when they leave the military that a lot of people really struggle because they don't have that defining they don't have that set schedule. Exactly. Thank you. That's what I was looking for. A set schedule of where I need to be, and it really throws them for a tizzle and they have no idea and they really spiral out of control. And I think a lot of them kind of go downhill and kind of come back once they kind of find their new calling of being out of the military and what that may be for them.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Got it, got it. So, Cody, um, just to go back on what you were saying, um, how was your spouse uh supportive um with your VA process though, with getting compensation?

SPEAKER_05 10:08

So this was a big one because I when I was filling out a lot of the paperwork needed to go through this process, I I struggled immensely with that. I can't stand paperwork. In my previous job, I had a lot of paperwork and it was terrible. I hated it. So I was trying to fill it out, and I'm like, I don't see a lot of this stuff. And my wife would laugh because she's like, You have a lot of this stuff, and there's nobody that knows better what you do wrong than your wife. So she helped me fill it out and was like, you know, you have this, you do this, you do this. And so that is one great person that can help you fill that stuff out, and that's what she helped me out or helped me do. Um, you know, I didn't think that I was so bad when it came to driving until she pointed a lot of stuff out. Um, I'm I'm terrible. She's made that very clear. Um, when it comes to the road rage things, um, so I'm trying to tone that back a little bit. It's very hard to control. Um, but she was very, very supportive in helping me fill that paperwork out because there was a lot of stuff that I did not see that they experience every day. So that was that was one of the major things right there.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

So Gillian, uh just going back to you, uh have you had a conversation with other military spouses and what were their reactions to either the VA process or just dealing with a veteran um with certain symptoms?

SPEAKER_02 11:30

So, like client-wise, I always tell them, put your wife on the phone. You can tell me no a hundred times, please put your wife on the phone. Um, because it's true, we see things that you guys definitely don't, or some things that you don't even see is is a problem, or as that it's as serious as it is. Oh no, that's just who I am, or that's just this. And then you read the symptoms of certain things and you're like, that's not just who you are. This is a symptom of what you have. I had one wife tell me, um, so for example, one of the PTSD symptoms, right, is not the spatial disorientation, but like the disorientation of um what's the symptom? No, the the last one is the one that it's like you don't know who the president is. It it gives you like an actual like it's a very So forgetting names. Yeah, like the the one that's like more serious. And she told me, she was like, if I paint this house, my husband will not be able to get home. Like he won't know where to find the house. Like he gets lost every day coming home. Um, and he was like, I know how to get home. And she was like, You called me the other day and you were three blocks away and couldn't figure out how to get here. So he's sitting here saying, like, no, I of course I could get home. And she's like, Don't you remember three weeks ago you couldn't. Like you literally could not get home. Um, and you know, just things like that where he doesn't see it as a problem. He's like, All right, so what I want three blocks out of the way. And she's like, But you do this all the time. Like, we have to have a certain awning in front of the house, just so you know which one it is. Um, you know, I've had wives tell me all the time too that, and this is something that I can relate with when uh the babies cry, right? So like he'll sleep when I my kids are small, he will sleep through her crying. But if there's the drop of any type of noise in my house, he will jump out of bed. So it's like they're trained, or you guys are trained to hear different songs or songs, sounds. Can we edit that? Um so it's like, you know, you hear a little boom or a bang, all of a sudden normal. Yeah, like he's jumping out of bed, running to the kitchen, but the kid will be screaming for 20 minutes and he won't get, he won't budge. So um, you know, it's it's little things like that. And I talk to veteran spouses all day long. Most of them are the ones that call in for their husbands. I mean, how many times do I have in the in the notes of a client, this is the wife's number, call her, she'll handle it. Because a lot of them also don't want to handle it. They don't want to admit that they have it, or they just don't want to, they don't want to deal with it, especially when it came to that. I mean, in the beginning I was clueless when I came to the VA. I didn't know what he was trying to do or what he was even entitled to or anything like that. I also just remember, you know, when we first met, I had um the RSX. I had a little coop. It was my first car, and it was small. And he would be stuck in it because his back pain was like so deliberating he couldn't get out. And I would be like, Come on, like, get out of the car. You're ridiculous right now. Like, you know, I didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 14:26

And um I'm laughing because I'm picturing Rob.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

Stuck in the RSX. Literally. I was just like, Come on, get out. And he was like, You don't understand, like I can't move. And I'm like, you're a little bit dramatic. Like it's time to get out of the vehicle. And um then as time progressed, I realized like, damn, those are pretty bad flare-ups because there'll be times that he was not only stuck in the car, stuck on the couch, or um, you know, having our kids now, it's hard because they see other people, right? Daddy, I want to go on your shoulders. Daddy, can you pick me up? And he's lucky if he can, you know, carry her for more than three minutes.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Um because especially when we go on vacation or trips like this.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

You know, at the amusement park or something, daddy put me on your shoulders, daddy lift me up to feed the giraffes when we're when we're at the zoo. Um, you know, it's tough. And the spouses see it too, and that's what those are the stories that they tell me also. You know, I'm stuck, you know, holding the baby and and bathing them. You know, I have to bathe them because I can't bend down. I can't coach my kids because X, Y, and Z. So um, you know, it and it it's it's hard on the kids too. I feel like they see all the dads and stuff, you know, coaching and this and that, and then your dad has to, you know, kind of pull back a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Awesome. We have uh gone over a couple of stuff, how uh veteran spouses can actually help with the VA process, how um the VA process is affected with your family as well. Um and we're going to end this with that. Your your your spouses are a key person uh for your claim. Some of them can see the blind spots that you're not seeing, and that's crucial to your claim. I think we've put Gillian, who has experience talking to some of our clients' wives, about what's going on, and usually the veteran is toughing it up, manning it out, the way we like to call it. So with that, I leave you um with the information we gave you here. Thank you for listening. See you on the next one. Like, subscribe, and let us know if you want us to talk about something.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

The War Room by Veterans Educating Veterans.