Mastering Self-Leadership: Key Strategies for Growth

Summary
In this insightful interview, Bobby Shelton, host of the Self-Leadership Lab podcast, shares practical strategies for leading oneself through understanding core values, managing emotions, and practicing self-compassion. Holly Porter and Bobby explore how self-leadership impacts personal happiness, resilience on hard days, and overall effectiveness in leadership roles.




Takeaways
Leading yourself is about governing your inner world to influence your external world.
The Easy Hard vs Hard Hard framework helps identify whether you're working for approval or for your true purpose.
On hard days, self-leadership involves choosing your response and maintaining discipline.
Practicing self-forgiveness is crucial for growth and happiness.
Simple techniques like movement, breath work, and positive affirmations can shift your state.




Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Self Leadership 
01:46 The Struggles of Self Leadership 
03:28 Easy Hard vs. Hard Hard 
05:34 Finding Fulfillment in Work 
07:17 Navigating Hard Days 
10:08 Recognizing Out of Alignment 
12:07 The Importance of Self-Forgiveness 
14:18 Real-Life Leadership Challenges 
18:56 The Power of Positive Self-Talk 
21:39 Rapid Fire Questions and Closing Thoughts 
23:42 RNR Outro Final.mp4 
24:20 RR.Gift.RetreatRnR.com.mp4


🔗 Connect with Bobby Shelton | Battle Cat Coaching
📧 Email: paratubist@gmail.com | bshelton@battlecatcoaching.com
🌐 Website: https://www.battlecatcoaching.com/
🔗 LinkedIn: Dr Bobby Shelton
📸 Instagram: @theselfleadershiplab



🔗 Connect with Holly Porter | Retreat RNR 
📧 Email: holly@hollyporter.com 
🔗 LinkedIn: Holly Porter | Retreat RNR 
🎵 TikTok: @retreatrnr 
▶️ YouTube: @intlretreatassociation
📸 Instagram: @retreatrnr | @hollyporterinternational 
📘 Facebook: HollyAnnPorter

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to All Things Retreat Podcast. I'm Holly Porter, your host and CEO of Retreat R. With over 25 years of experience in designing transformative retreats. I'm here to share insights and inspiration to help you create extraordinary experiences. Whether you're a pro or just starting out, you'll find valuable ideas here. Enjoy the ride. Let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the show, everyone. We are going to have a self-leadership conversation today. So listen in. Most of you are retreat leaders, and we need leaders need to learn how to lead. So hopefully you'll get some big nuggets out of this. This is a great guy we're going to be interviewing. His name's Bobby, and he's the host of the Self-Leadership Lab podcast and the author of the book Easy Hard versus Hard Hard. His work is focused on helping others lead themselves so that they can be effective in leading others. He focuses on spiritual, mental, and physical health as the foundations to self-leadership and governing our inner world. Welcome to the show, Bobby.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Hey Ollie, I'm glad to be here. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Yeah, happy to have you. And um he's got a great show. I'm just gonna put a little plug-in there. I was a guest on it a few months ago and Self-Leadership Lab, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Yes, ma'am. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Okay. And so where would they find that show?

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Um it's on Spotify, Apple, Amazon Music, if anyone listens to the podcast on Amazon Music, uh, and then also on YouTube, all under the Self Leadership Lab. And your episode came out on March 19th. I don't number the episodes, but just search for Holly Porter, it'll come up, and it was a really great conversation and getting good feedback from everyone who's listened to it so far.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Oh, well, thanks. Well, you are a great interviewer, so hopefully we can reciprocate on this show because I know you'll be a great guest. Okay, so let's talk about a lot of uh different things in this surrounding uh subject of self-leadership. What's the biggest struggle that you observe in people today?

SPEAKER_01 2:05

I think the biggest struggle I I observe is that people aren't leading themselves. They've outsourced their their thoughts, their actions, their behaviors to either social media, media, books that they read, celebrities that they follow. And leading yourself comes down to the textbook definition is you cannot lead others until you lead yourself, right? And and but I I've changed that definition for myself. You've got to govern your inner world so you can govern your external world. So, what does that mean? That means the work you're doing is actually the work that you want to be doing, right? The thoughts that you're having, the actions you take, they're not because someone told you to do them, it's because it it aligns, you know, as coaches and and leadership people, we always talk about purpose and and your values. But really, this is what it comes down to. But what I find the biggest problem is most people don't know what they are anymore. And Holly, I can tell you, I know this because I was that guy. Six years ago, I was depressed, overweight, pretty much had given up on life, and I thought I was a bad person, but because I was looking for everyone's expectations, and that's another reason we don't self-lead, is because we want to please people, we want to please our parents, our you know, our co-workers, whomever we were going after. And when you do that, you start losing sight of who you are. So, self-leadership, most simply, is knowing who you are and then doing actions, work, behaviors to promote that, and you know, having a standard and sticking with it.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

I'm glad you just defined that because that was gonna be my next question. A lot of people maybe not understand what that means. Um, when we talk about your book was it is easy hard versus hard hard. So, what does that concept mean?

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yeah, so easy hard is simply the work that you're doing for the approval of others, and hard hard is the work that you're doing for yourself. So think of it another way too is easy hard is your um is your doing side. I'm gonna do more, I'm gonna go get this degree, this certification, I'm gonna do all this stuff, right? But your heart's not into it, your soul's not into it. So you're working very diligently, you're working hard, but you're not, you know, fulfilling your soul. And you know, hard, hard is the work that you actually want to be. And I'm not talking about your nine to five, because certainly we all have nine to five jobs. It's like, how are you showing up as a person, a father, a mother, all the things I've talked about earlier? And but what I find is most people replace their easy hard becomes their identity or their whole and and the whole concept easy hard versus hard hard, it's from my military days, and and and I just think in terms like that because you know how many people out there who are listening today you're saying, man, I work hard. Well, but are you working hard on the right things? So easy hard, I for years I was going after easy hard, and yeah, it was impressive. People loved it. You know, I was successful uh on the in the world's eyes, but I didn't like myself as a person, and that's a terrible place to be. So I think you know, a lot if you focus inward, not in a selfish manner, but maybe a little selfish at first because you got to get back to your core, who you are and what you want to be doing.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Don't they say uh love what you do and never work a day in your life?

SPEAKER_01 5:09

I think very few people get the honor and privilege to say that. But if you change your thinking and don't look at work as work, look as work as a mission field, a battlefield, however you want to define it for yourself. You know, so many people are dissatisfied with where they're at and they want what's next. But why don't you make what's next where you are right now? Make the world where you are better. Kind of the whole Boy Scouts, don't leave a place worse than you found it, what kind of thing. But imagine if we all took where we wanted to go and started practicing it and what we're doing now. Not only would it give you fulfillment, it might make the world a better place. I don't know. It's worth a shot, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Yeah. Well, to me, I always have said nothing's worse than being unhappy because I'm all about being happy. And I've had toll startup companies and a lot of them overlapped. And I so I wasn't really lit, I was flighty. I had several for 20 years, but I just like I had a idea, a concept, a a hope, a dream, a wish, and wanted to create something new. And so I just, but I was still happy with what I was already doing. I wasn't ready to walk away. I was just ready for more. And I think when you live in that space of just always wanting more, wanting, I mean, better's better is what I said on my health journey, getting my health back. It's like every day, what can I do today to be better than I was yesterday? And I think living in that it speaks a lot to what you just said. It's to me to define success, which I get asked all the time, it's so easy. To me, it's one word, it's happy. Success to me is happy. And if I'm happy, that's that's going and doing what I want to do. It's not for me, it's it's not about how much money I'm making, it's about who I'm serving. And am I waking up every day ready to start the day and be excited for a day instead of dreading a day? That's that's like the worst for me, is dreading a day. So let's not do it. So you were saying earlier not to call you out, but I'm calling you out that today's a hard day for you. Like it's just one of those days that's like we all have them, yeah, where they're not going as well as we'd like, or we can't do something that we want to do. And so when we talk about self-leadership, what does that actually look like on a hard day when it's not a perfect one?

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Yeah, yeah. No, excellent question. And a lot of times people like me will sit here and spew this thing out. Oh, it's so easy. You anyone can do it. Well, it it's hard, and it does take discipline, it takes years, and it and it's the way you think. So today in my nine to five job, it's like the world's crossing down on me. You know, we have a tight deadline, nobody likes the product, and a lot of people are giving their advice. So I could choose to be, like you said, happy or unhappy. But what I can't change is the situation I'm in. There's a deadline, there's a lot of work that needs to be done, and yeah, I don't like it, but I get to choose whether I'm happy or not. So self-leadership is the time where you sit back and you reflect and you don't let the situation that you're in ruin your mood, your disposition, the way you're gonna live the next hour. You know, so many people say I've had a bad day, and technically I would probably be honest with you, yeah, it's not been the best day ever. But you know what? Really, it's been a bad minute, a bad 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:10

What I choose to do with the remaining time I have today is up to me. And like I love what you said earlier. Why not be happy? Because it's one of the things that we can choose. Like, I've been diving really deep into stoic philosophy lately, and one of the things is the dichotomy of control. I'm sure most people have heard of it. Control what you can, forget about what you can't. Um, so I can't control the actions and behaviors of others today, but I sure as heck can control the way I had come up to the situation, encourage others. Like I said, like we said earlier, this isn't what I want to be doing. I want to be a coach, full-time coach. Well, the team that I'm working with now is my greatest opportunity to coach because I'm coaching them in crisis. Not when they're coming in after, you know, a relaxing jog or whatever. I'm coaching them right at the center of it. So the way I show up, the way I lead myself today, is certainly going to impact others, at least in attitude and spirit, if not in, you know, the work produced.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Yeah, I love that. Well, and when you stay in a good place to me, you're in a better place to serve others. I just before, for instance, I got on this with you. Um, in fact, you were popping on while I was still on the phone, and somebody was just having a really hard time, and she's been in kind of a weird funk for a while. And it was just instead of letting her be a Debbie Downer and making me come down, I thought, what can I do to lift her? You know, don't I don't need to, I don't need to meet her where she's at today. What can I do to bring her up? And I hope I did that. I I really feel like it is sad when you see people going through that because sometimes we're we're our worst enemies. We're the ones that we get into that that crazy space and it's sometimes it's hard to get out. And it's like figuring out what you can do to build someone up. And so I'm I'm hoping I'll have to reach out to her because I had to kind of hurry and cut her off because we had to start the show. But you know, I just think it's always looking for the good and thinking thinking positive and bringing people up and not not getting down with them. So how would you say you know when you're out of alignment?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

You know, I can feel it in my body, right? You know, when I've struggled, like I mentioned earlier, I've struggled struggled with depression for years. And, you know, it's little things, it's like eye twitching, or I've become more fidgety. And, you know, a lot of times it's just the mental self-talk that goes on in my head. Like I might go from like, hey, doing something to hey, you're not good enough, or you'll never get this done. Any of those limiting words that I start hearing in my head, that's the time where I know, hey, I'm out of alignment here. What do I need to do? And for different people, it's different things. Some people promote breath work, some people say take a walk, you know, get up and move your body, change your state. You know, the thing about depressive and kind of like when when you fall into these traps is I I would encourage people, don't wrestle with it. Um it's like if you if you took your thoughts and put them on a piece of paper and then I don't know if my hand came over here, yeah, and balled them up and and and your thoughts are in the paper and you ball your hand and you had to just sit there and just squeeze as hard as you can for as long as you can, how long could you do that? It's very uncomfortable. But if you just let those thoughts ball them up, let them just sit there, let them be there, observe them, understand why they're doing it. And you know, it's simple things. I mean, sometimes it's the foods we eat, sometimes it's the limited movement we got, the sleep we didn't get the night before. All of those things, not not as excuses, but just give them as reasons because it's like, why am I a little bit off? And then what can I do to get better? And the more you practice this, because it's not going to be natural at first, right? Because we're we're a flight or fight or flight kind of mentality uh society. But but once you take a second, hey, I'm a little bit off, maybe I don't have this conversation with my wife. Maybe I'll walk into the other room for a few minutes, maybe I'll go look at grass. You know, a Navy SEAL told me this one time. He said, if you're ever feeling stressed, just go look at grass. Look at something green because it's scientifically proven that just looking at green calms you down, it's a calming thing. So there's many, many techniques, and I know we don't have time to get into them all, but for everyone, just choose your own. Like play around with it, be observant, be curious, and get yourself back to that state. Because none of us like the extreme highs or the extreme lows. Try to keep yourself in the middle and find out what worked for you.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Yeah, I love that. I had an experience a couple days ago. I spent the weekend doing a retreat with my board of directors for my nonprofit, and we had switched our mission and we hadn't met for a couple years in person, and so it was really valuable. We created a whole new name, a whole new mission, a whole new vision. It was amazing, right? And then the last day, just before we were taking everyone to the airport, uh, we were having lunch, and one of the board members um kind of just threw a wrench in everything by something she said. And it like, I don't let people derail me that easily normally, but it's a behavior I've seen her do before to the point to where I'm almost ready to ask her to step off of the board because I feel like it was so productive and and now we're all getting on a plane and we we can't fix it all today, right? And I was just like, I stayed up, I hardly slept that night, which is not my normal behavior. And I just thought, what is it? And and I'm working through that, you know, and this is a beautiful person that I love that has been with me for oh, probably 10 years we've been friends. And so it's it's kind of like just figuring out what's gonna work out best. And when you're a leader, you need to work out what's gonna be best as a whole for the group and a whole for the mission, and for this matter, right? It's like I I love people poking holes in things because it's how you solve things and it's how you you know get a resolution. The timing of it was horrible, and it was like that almost I felt like needed to be maybe a private conversation because it it I don't think she realized what it I mean, it threw me on an emotional roller coaster, I felt like at the time. And so I think it's just I'm working through it and I just I'm just sharing that because it's just we're not perfect. You you made it to me, you you convided you you're having a bad day today, and it's like you we can turn that around, you know, it really is state. And you're what did you say? You said you're gonna go for a walk when we're done with the podcast, just to kind of clear your mind and get in a different state. And so if you don't know what that means, maybe look into that as a listener here. And uh, these are great, great advice, Bobby. I I love it. I hope somebody really can see value in what we're sharing, but we're also sharing we're not perfect and we don't have it all figured out. And sometimes we get thrown for a loop and and that's okay, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Absolutely. Yeah, we're we're all we all have problems, no matter if they're on stage or they're you know speaking at these retreats that you go to, and it you know, nobody is perfect. It's like, and and that's my message. I am just a guy who's still trying to figure it out too. I even I'll give you a real world example. Last last Saturday, I spoke at a retreat, and the the point of this story isn't that it the point is the night before I started getting imposter syndrome, I started getting stressed. Was I prepared enough? Will I look like an idiot? Will you know all the things that creep in your mind when you get a you know, I hadn't publicly spoke probably in 20 years, and there's a hundred people in front of me, you know, the next day. Well, things weren't going my way. Like my dog started acting up, you know, I didn't get to bed because I had to wake up super early to get to this event and that sort of thing. And I lost my my my cool for a minute. And the next day I'm gonna go talk about you know mental and spirit and physical um, you know, health and and leadership. And I'm like, am I qualified? I mean, I I am failing, but you know what? The next day I just told everyone, hey, listen, here's an example. I'm gonna talk about a lot of things today, but I'm not perfect either. I let my own inadequacies affect my mental health. Now, here's the beauty of it. Six years ago, that probably would have meant I would have canceled with you today. I probably would have taken a week off of work. I would have been so I couldn't forgive myself and I couldn't go on. But you know what? The thing is, is I caught it and immediately I corrected. And that's the key, like the situation you just said. We cannot control a lot of times what happens, even inside our own bodies, because you know, like I said, we're unique creatures. And identifying it and being able to respond and knowing that that's not you, that's just you for a moment, is like the key. That's the key to happiness. Because again, how many times do we do something or say something to others that ruins our happiness in reality? If we just say, hey, listen, I lost my cool. That doesn't make it right, but I do apologize and move on. But the more important thing of the story is forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness, which is part of self-anything self-dash, could technically be self-leadership, but forgive yourself because that's who you spend the most time with. So be your best friend.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

And I can see leaders um doing the opposite of what you said. What you used to do was you know, go internal and back off and just I did the opposite. I I kept pushing forward, I couldn't miss a deadline. I I had to show up if I was speaking. Didn't matter what had just happened. It's like you gotta be there, you gotta do that. I mean, I can I can tell you real quick, I can tell you years ago, my some of that behavior, which I look back and go, why on earth? I mean, I was young, but I had a salon and spa, and I was doing someone's nails, and my daughter had tried to commit suicide. And I had sent her on an ambulance up north, about four hours away from where I was to get help, like after we did the whole hospital thing and all that. But I was angry with her because I knew she didn't really want to die. I knew like there were some a lot of issues going on. And I was like, what do you do as a parent? And I felt like I almost sent her up there to punish her, punish her when she hit, you know, but it was like I knew she'd get more help up there and I knew she'd be safe. And I, before I left to go up there again. And it, you know, they have certain hours, you can see them when that happens and everything. It's not like you, it's just an open door policy. It's not. And so I knew I had some time, but guess what I did? I went back to work and finished that girl's nails the next morning. Like she was, it was almost like I look back as a parent and think, was she more important than my own daughter? Even though I couldn't see my daughter, it was the fact that I needed that space to like, as a mother, you know, to say, gosh, this is serious. Like, what is going on? But it's like, number one, the fact that that girl let me do that was showed you her state of mind. But then my state of mind was like, why did I do that? I don't, I shouldn't have cared about her nails. Somebody else could have done her nails. Why did I have that responsibility and have to push forward? And so it's kind of the opposite effect of what you said. And I think there's leaders in both sides of the fence, you know, depending on our personality style. But gosh, I I forgot about that story until I was just telling it to you. And it just it it there's a lot of guilt there, I'm sure, you know, for me, just saying, well, and my daughter could even tell you she knows that happened. It's just I know it happened.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

Yeah, well, the key is just forgive yourself now. I mean, again, that was so long ago, but if it was more recent, observe that behavior and then ask yourself what you could do. I mean, you know, the thing is, is we ask other people questions, but why don't we ask ourselves? Like, why did I do this way? Why did I operate like this today? You know, because again, the more you ask, and I'm a very inquisitive person. And in fact, what I one of my earliest report cards said, my the problem with me is I'm always asking what's next. And even when I journal, I've noticed lately how many questions I ask myself. It's like I I think in questions, but you know, that's really good. Oh, but someone told me this, someone just told me this yesterday, and I think it's it's applicable today. If you ask yourself what's wrong with you, your brain's gonna tell you what's wrong with you. But if you ask yourself a different question, so be very specific in the questions you ask yourself, like, you know, how could I improve? Or be very positive because this whole negative self-talk, which is a real big component of of my self-leadership journey, is I in fact, I used to be so negative to myself I had to start speaking in it aloud so my wife and others could hear me, and they'd be like, Bobby, who are you talking to? I'm like, myself. And they were they were they were just taken aback because I would never talk to you that way. I would never talk to any other person. But yet I allowed myself to talk to myself for hours. And if you talk to yourself negatively during the day, what are you dreaming at night? What is your subconscious doing while you're trying to heal your body and to get your sales directions right and all that thing? So the the more you can be aware, but do it kindly, like you did with the lady you said before. Well, you didn't say lady, but the person you talked to before on the call. Like whoever that person is, that's how you need to talk to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Yes, great reminder. It's it's so true, so important to um, yeah, be that be that person you want to be for other people, that cheerleader that you are for other people. We need to remember that. Be that cheerleader for yourself because I you know something that I started um part of my long COVID issues with all my stuff that went on, was I had sensory issues. And so I wear this mask, I just get it on Amazon, it's really cheap. Get a mask, but it has speakers in it that are flat. And I bought a YouTube account. We don't have Netflix or anything, so I I have YouTube that I pay for, so there's no interruptions at night, and I listen to affirmations and binarial beats and stuff all night long, and it's super powerful. I feel like it's like it's telling me how great I am all night long, you know, and so it's it just is is kind of a different way to shift. And you can have it loud or quiet, it doesn't matter. But um, that was something that really helped me with my sensory stuff.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

But I thought maybe that's bathe yourself in positivity as much as you can. If something makes you stressed or anxious, walk away from it. You you that doesn't mean you don't challenge challenge what you think about things, but so many of us will sit there and watch a news thing that just that just terrorizes our soul. You know you can turn the TV off. You don't have to torture yourself. And I love that that you that you you're doing that in your sleep. The positivity that you're bringing to your body probably helps you heal. I don't know. I'm not a scientist in that regard. Yeah, yeah. I mean, but even if it's placebo, who cares, right? Even if it's doing nothing, like really scientifically, it's doing something for your heart, your soul, your mind, your spirit. It's perfect.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

Well, we could talk all day, Bobby. It's been a great conversation. Um, I have a few little rapid fires I want to ask you. These are simple top of mind uh answers, one word or one sentence. Uh book or cop podcast for you.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

You mean uh the choice?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Uh probably these days, book.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Morning routine or go with the flow.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

I'm a big morning routine guy.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Work out weight with weights or cardio?

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, I'm a reformed cardio bunny. Weights are the biggest bang for your buck, and the busier you get, lift something heavy, put it down every day. Um, at least two or three times a week at minimum. But yeah, weights.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Okay. One word to describe your leadership style.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Oh, purpose-driven. That's two words though, right? Maybe it's hyphenated.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

That's okay. Yeah, we'll hyphen it. Go-to way to reset your mindset fast.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

Uh, simple movement. Some jumping jacks, just changing the way my body is. Like if I'm if I'm not moving, move a little bit, you know. Dance. I like these little short dance videos too, but you don't want to see me do that.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

Oh, I love it. Yeah. I have a vibration plate I keep well, so I almost have to trip it getting to my desk. So it reminds me to get on it, even if it's for just a couple minutes. It's just it's so good for your nervous system, which we all need because our nervous systems are falling apart.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Anything we can do to stop that, let's do it. Yeah, sorry. I agree.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Oh, I I was just gonna say I appreciate you coming on and and I hope that we gave you some great tips, listeners, and that you can take them and use them into your lives. I'm gonna put Bobby's information so you can contact him with uh his website, and you can reach out, and I'm sure he would love to reciprocate that as well. So um, any last words, Bobby?

SPEAKER_01 23:17

No, I just tell everyone to believe in yourself, be kind with yourself, love yourself, lead yourself, and you'll get to the happiness that Holly so adequately described earlier and so eloquently described as well. So um go out there and have the best day you can have and the best week, best month, best year, all that good stuff.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Love that. Wishing all that the same from me. All right, well, enjoy everybody, and we'll see you next time on the show. Bye for now. Thanks for joining us on this episode of All Things Retreat. We hope you're leaving with new ideas, fresh inspiration, and the motivation to take your retreats to the next level. Don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. It helps us grow and reach more retreat leaders like you. And if you have any questions, topics you'd like us to cover, or just want to say hello, send us an email at infoweretreatrnr.com. Follow us on social media to stay connected and catch all the latest updates. Until next time. Remember, great retreats start with great intentions. Let's make them extraordinary, one step at a time. Thinking about posting a retreat? Before you dive in, let's make sure you're really ready. Grab your free Are You Retreat ready checklist and find out if you've got everything in place from your purpose and pricing to your audience and agenda. Don't guess. Get clear. This quick checklist will show you exactly where you stand and what you need to make your retreat a success. Click the link below in the show notes to grab your gift and take the first step toward hosting this conference.