Who are you when the performance is over?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and realized you don’t recognize the woman staring back at you?

Not because your appearance has changed, but because somewhere along the way you lost pieces of yourself inside responsibilities, expectations, and survival.

In this first episode of Coffee Talk, Candace shares her personal journey of losing and rediscovering her identity. Through honest storytelling and faith-centered reflection, she challenges listeners to look beyond titles and responsibilities and reconnect with who they truly are.

Transcript

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A woman walks into a room and people naturally gravitate toward her. They say she's warm. She lights up a space. She's the friend everyone confides in. But that same woman goes home and cries herself to sleep at night. That same woman can sometimes not pick herself off of up off of her closet or that woman is battling who she truly is. And it's not because she's weak. It's because when the performance is over, she has no idea who she is, who she truly is. That woman was me. And if I'm being honest, sometime it still is me. Welcome to Coffee Talk, the 10-minute podcast for women trying to hold it together while life pulls them apart. I'm your host, Candace. I've struggled with identity for as long as I can remember. My identity was crafted as a child. I knew I had a name, Candace, but unfortunately, the negativity that people spoke about me, I adopted that to be who I actually was. As a child, I was bullied. I was always the biggest kid in my family and the biggest kid in my class. I was called Bigfoot because I had Big B. Back then, I thought it was something to be ashamed of. But now I say thank you, Jesus, because every strong building needs a strong foundation. I was a cool friend, but I was never the girl anyone wanted to date. And somewhere along the way, I decided that meant that Candace wasn't enough. So I recreated myself. I started to live in performance instead of my true identity. In college, it was new hair, new clothes, new personality. Who this? That was the goal. But then something happened. I became a wife. So now, action, performing as a wife, doing all my wifely duties, and suddenly my identity became wrapped up in just that. Being a wife and doing everything I believed a good wife was supposed to do. But then I never expected to become a widow, so young. And when that happened, I realized something I had never been taught. How to navigate life when the identity that I've built around my world disappears. Something happens when you perform in a role versus knowing the true identity and who you are in that season. Around that same time, I was promoted at work. New state, new environment, new opportunities to reinvent myself, or dare I say, perform. So I became a boss, polished, put together, always performing. Baby, if you saw me on a treadmill, I probably had on a pair of heels and hair to the gods and makeup to the gods. I had to be seen. I had to know that when I walked in the room, I snatched everybody's attention. I had to look successful. I had to look apart. I had to look like I belonged. But underneath all that performance, I still had no clue who I was. Eventually, I met my husband, and we've been now married for 18 years. I am a wife, I am a mom, I'm a nurse practitioner, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm an aunt, I am everything to everybody. But it's sad to say I'm not a whole lot for myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost me. And at age 40, I hit a wall. Not just physically tired, but my soul was tired. I can remember going to my husband about four days before my birthday, I'm of turning 40, and I just burst it out in tears and I said to him, I don't want to be here anymore. The overwhelming sensation of suicide was very heavy on me. And it was because I was stuck in all of my performances to the point when I looked in the mirror, I had no clue who Candace truly was, not a clue at all. So I tried an exercise. I wrote every negative thought I believed about myself on an index card and stuck them to my mirror that's located aside my bed. I wrote words like ugly, fat, worthless, sad mom, bad wife, unsuccessful. The list goes on. The goal of this exercise was to put those cards over and replace them with what God said about me. But every morning, I couldn't flip a single one. And for almost a year, those negative thoughts stared back at me. Imagine waking up out of your bed, turning around to get out of it, and all you can see is fat, ugly, bad mom, all these negative things. While I was trying to combat my season of depression and anxiety, I made it worse. But one day, something inside of me said that I needed to fight. And that sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that's exactly what it felt like. I had to go to battle with the version of me that lead those lies. That's when I began replacing performance with truth. I began personalizing scriptures. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And when I say personalizing them, I would say Candace is fearfully and wonderfully made. Candace is chosen. Candace is redeemed. Candace is forgiven. And slowly, truth began to reshape my identity. Now, don't get me wrong, this did not occur overnight. Healing rarely happens overnight. And if I'm honest, there are still days when I struggle. But now I know who I am fighting to protect. Because the truth is, many of us answer the question, who we are or who are we, based on our responsibilities. I remember one night during my women's group, I asked the question, who are you? I gave the assignment for the women to come back the next week to tell me who they were because asking that question live, there was like one person in the group that could fully answer that question and tell us who she was. Even myself, I was stumped. I kept answering with questions or answers rather like, I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a professional, I'm a blah, blah, blah. But those were my roles. It wasn't who Candace truly was. Needless to say, the women were supposed to come back the following week to answer those questions. And I had about two people to show up because no one truly knew who they were. So beyond your responsibilities, as being a mom, a wife, a professional, or whatever your role may be, those are just roles. They are not your identity. In 2 Corinthians 5 and 17, the scripture, scripture reminds us if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away and the new has come. So let me ask you something. If I bumped into you at the grocery store and asked you, who are you? Would you answer me with your responsibilities or with your true identity? When was the last time you truly met yourself? This week, I want to challenge you to do something simple. I want to challenge you to get to know you. I want to challenge you to take one negative thought that you think about yourself and find one scripture and insert your name into it and speak it over yourself daily. As I stated, feelings don't change and they won't change instantly. But because you do this daily, that repetition renews the mind. And that repetition replaces all the negative things that you think about you. So, ladies, it's time for you to get back to you. And this is just the beginning. Thank you for spending these 10 minutes with me today. If this conversation encouraged you, share a coffee talk with another woman who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep walking in faith, keep growing, and remember you're not alone on this journey. I'm happy to be here with you. Be blessed.