Three Kids, Three Journeys

Parenthood is a journey that constantly changes.

In this episode of Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise, I reflect on raising my three kids—a four-year-old, a thirteen-year-old, and a nineteen-year-old daughter—and how each stage of life requires a different parenting approach.

From the challenges of building trust with a teen who has experienced trauma, to the heartwarming moments with my daddy’s-boy four-year-old learning to trust Momma, this episode explores the realities, growth, and lessons that come with parenting.

Because sometimes the most important thing a parent can do is simply keep showing up.

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Transcript

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Parenthood looks different for everyone. Some families start their traditional ways, some families grow in ways people might not expect. But no matter how it begins, the journey is usually the same. Learning how to raise and guide someone through life. Right now, I'm parenting three very different stages of life. A four-year-old, 13-year-old, and a 19-year-old. Three different personalities, three different challenges, and three completely different parenting approaches. And over time, one thing has become very clear to me parenthood isn't about having the perfect strategy at all. It's about learning how to adapt to the kids you're raising. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise. I am Brian, and happy March Madness Week. That's right, it is that time of year. The NCAA tournament has arrived. One of my favorite times of the year as a sports fan because of two things. I love college basketball. I love everything about college basketball, basically college sports in general, just because it's more exciting, in my opinion. There's a lot more heart, there's a lot more passion, and you really see it during the NCAA tournament because for a lot of these kids, this is it. Statistically, a lot of college athletes don't make it to pros, so this is the big dance for them, so to speak. And second of all, my Arkansas Razorbacks are hot right now. We just won the SEC tournament, and now we're going into the NCAA tournament on fire, and I am excited. I feel like this is a year, I can feel it in my bones. But this episode isn't about March Madness, it's not about the NCAA tournament. If it's about anything, it's about parenthood. And today I wanted to talk to you about what parenting has looked like in my life, raising three kids at very different stages of life. But before we get into that, I want to talk about something that has shaped my perspective as a parent, and that is adoption. Two of my kids came into my life through adoption. My four-year-old and my 13-year-old. Adoption has a way of teaching you something very quickly, that every child has a story. Sometimes that story begins with you, and sometimes it begins long before you enter their life. But either way, when they become your child, you step into that story and help them write their next chapter. And adoption reminded me that parenting isn't about everything being perfect, it's about showing up, it's about patience, it's about understanding that every child has different needs and experiences. And sometimes those experiences shape the way they see the world, which means as a parent, you have to learn to adapt. You have to learn how to listen. You have to learn how to meet each child where they are. And that became very clear with my 13-year-old. Because parenting my 13-year-old has been a journey of understanding and rebuilding trust. Parenting a 13-year-old who has experienced trauma, it's not easy. Early on, I realized that our relationship was going to require more patience, more understanding, just more intentional effort than I expected. I will say this about our 13-year-old. He is a mama's boy. He tries to deny it because he's 13 and he thinks it's uncool, but he is definitely closer to my wife. And that's not a bad thing because I'm a mama's boy. He he just it's it's natural for him to gravitate towards her. He trusts her in ways that I'm still earning. The simple conversations, the asking for help, or just sharing what on his mind, it it oftentimes comes more easily with her than it does with me. And that has created challenges for us. There are days that he will just completely shut down with me. Conversations feel next to impossible. Simple questions just get one-word answers. And it's it's hard not to take that personally sometimes, especially when you see how he is acting with Becca. We've noticed it a lot more lately how how more distant he's become with me. He accuses me of not listening and nagging. And our kid has ADD and ADHD. So oftentimes with a kid with those things, you have to consistently remind them because if you don't, a lot of times it won't get done. So I kind of think that's where the nagging's coming from. But he also accuses me uh of not listening. But I do listen. I listen a lot more than he realizes, whether it's positive things or negative things. The positive things, when they occur and he's telling me about them, I am trying to hoist him up on my shoulders. I tell him I'm proud of him, you know, that he's doing a great job, that, you know, he needs to keep doing what he's doing. He's got, you know, he's he he is just knocking life out of the park. But the negative things are sometimes the way he talks to me, you know, the conversations that don't really get anywhere, just the shutting down. I listen and understand during those moments, and it hurts. And again, it's hard not to take that personally. I try not to. I really don't because I understand it's not about me, it's not about him. It's it's about his past. It's about his experiences before he joined our family that has shaped the way he trusts, the way he opens up and the way he interacts with the world and with me. So I am having to rethink my approach when it comes to my 13-year-old. I am trying more on focusing less on being controlling or having that controlling behavior and more on just building trust, showing up consistently, being patient, even when it's frustrating, even when I feel like he's being disrespectful towards me, I am trying to take a step back and completely understand where that is coming from. Now, there are some times he is just being a little punk, but there are times when it's truly the past that's getting to him. It isn't easy, it's a work in a work in progress. Some days I feel like I'm making a huge stride forward, but then I take ten steps back. But slowly there have been moments here and there here lately where we're connecting, where I can see he's letting that wall down a little bit, and we're we're starting to bond. I mean, you know, we talk about video games, we joke around a lot, we tend to we tend to scare each other sometimes, sometimes we're being silly. It's just during those moments, I am on cloud nine because I'm like, okay, finally, I'm I'm getting somewhere. But then he has his bad days. Now, granted, he is seeing a counselor, he is getting the help, but with him, it's it's not focused on just discipline and guidance. It's more about earning and maintaining trust with him and being there and listening, and maybe not nagging, as he says, as he says, but I love him. And I am so glad he is my son. And thinking about what he has gone through in the past, it breaks my heart, it makes me emotional, it makes me angry. Because it's no secret, there there are monsters out there, and to know that he has had to deal with these monsters before he moved in and became my son. Ugh, it anger is a word that doesn't really cover it, but he is here now. And, you know, like I said, my focus is making sure that he knows he's safe and that he is never going to have to deal with that again. Now, on the other end of the spectrum, there's my four-year-old. And if you've ever spent time around a four-year-old, you know that life is full of curiosity, honesty, and surprises. My four-year-old is a daddy's boy. And bedtime for us isn't reading stories, it's wrestling. Giving him the whiskers of doom. So let me explain what the whiskers of doom are. He originally heard a story from Becca, and I won't go into details on it, but we had to change a little bit of the wording, and I reworded it to whiskers of doom. That just sounds more manly. So when I go to give him a hug and a kiss after we've wrestled and after we've cuddled, he'll ask for whiskers of doom. So I give him a hug, and I give him a kiss, and I have a beard, and it's a pretty shaggy beard, and I'll just like start rubbing it on his face, and he starts laughing and he starts giggling, and he tries to lick my beard, which I don't know. He's in this phase here lately where he wants to lick everybody. So that's a work in progress. But those moments are special to me. I I I treasure those those moments. Like I said, he is a full-on daddy's boy, but being a daddy's boy also comes with a lot of challenges because he struggles to let mama take care of him. And it gets to the point to when I'm not available because I've either taken I'm taking a break or I'm at work because I do work from home, he gets frustrated, and then that frustrating, that frustration turns to anger, then it becomes an issue because he's hitting and he's kicking, because he is four. He is still trying to figure out how to control those motions, the emotions he and just how to to show his feelings. And we're working with him on those things, but you know, people have bad days. And when those moments happen, I oftentimes have to get up and go and get him. And it can be frustrating because I just sometimes need five minutes. I mean, the kid's at my hip consistently, and like I said, I love it and I adore it, but daddy needs a break sometimes. Daddy needs to just reset. And of course, I love my wife and I don't like seeing her get kicked. I don't like her getting slapped or him like wiggling around like a marlin. But I go in there and of course I fight with him for a few minutes and then he calms down. So this became a big problem because with that, it started to make my wife feel useless as a mom. And she just to her, that's her little boy. And so I did some research and I sat down with her because it came to a head. She she broke down and just, you know, couldn't figure it out. Kind of like with my struggles with the 13-year-old, she has struggles with our four-year-old. And I told her, this is how I'm going to approach it. I'm going to sit down with him and explain to him how important, you know, mama is to us and what she does for our family and the contributions she makes, and how some of these things that we have in our life are not possible if we don't have mama. And the good news is it's starting to work. Again, he has bad days, and we, you know, we have to bring it back in, but he's starting to give her hugs more. He's starting to show his appreciation more. Like today, he was upset because mama wasn't home and she was running late. And he kept asking, why is mama staying gone so late? And of course, when she gets home, he's out waiting for her in the garage, gets in the car, honks the horn, you know, the car horn with her, and those are things that they are starting to do more. So it's with just like with the 13-year-old, it required a lot of patience with the four-year-old. But I do have to share a story. Like I said, he is a Big Daddy's boy. And since I've started this podcast, he has a bedtime playlist that you know we put on his Bluetooth speaker and that he goes to sleep to. And he has requested that my podcast episodes get put on this playlist because of the way he put it. Oh boy, I'm gonna try not to cry because uh the way he puts it is he gets to sleep with daddy even when I'm not next to him, if I'm working or I'm in the other room. It's his way of being with daddy all the time. And ooh, boy. I'm not gonna lie, when he first told me that, I I melted. I teared up. Of course, he asked why I was tearing up, and you know, I told him I just loved him and I was just so proud of him, and he didn't have to go through the trauma like his big brother did, and he the only people he's ever really going to know are us. And don't get me wrong, when he gets older and he's more curious, you know, we're not gonna keep it a secret. And, you know, if he wants to figure out who his mom is, you know, we're gonna allow him those things. But moments like him telling me he listens to he wants to listen to my podcast because, oh, I'm crying, because he wants to be close to daddy. It's moments like that. You're like, okay, I'm doing something right. And then there's my 19-year-old. And it's tough because with her, I realize that I'm getting older, and she is getting older. You know, while my four-year-old is discovering the world in his own way, my 19-year-old is discovering a world in a completely different way. She's stepping into adulthood and making her own decisions, finding her own path. And as a parent, that shift is exciting, but it's bittersweet. You go from being the person they rely on for everything to being the person they turn to for guidance when they need it. And it it really makes you reflect on how much they've grown, and it also makes you realize how much your role as a parent has evolved over the years. So with my 19-year-old, my approach has been about balance. I've tried to provide guidance without taking over. I offer advice when it's needed, but I also have learned that I need to step back and let her make her own choices. And yes, sometimes her mistakes are the best teachers. It's it's about trusting her to handle life while still being there as a safety net. Uh, it's about showing that independence doesn't mean she's alone. A big, a big issue with us right now is she is a big people pleaser. And she comes by it honestly. I am really big people pleaser, and you know, I have had to sit down with her on multiple occasions because, you know, she has my side of the family, she has her mom's side of the family, and you know, and she's in a serious relationship, and she has his side of the family, and so she's she has all these people that she loves to care about, and she's quickly learning that she's not gonna make everybody happy. So when those moments come, she calls me and we talk about it, and you know, I'm honest with her, you know. I tell her that, yeah, you know, I might be a little upset, I might be disappointed, and that's just because I'm not getting to see you. Do I think that I'm never gonna get to see you? No. I get it, because you know, my wife and I, we have our three, you know, we have our two boys here at the house. So there are times when we have to make sacrifices and miss out on things because of soccer games, or because, you know, something might be going on with Becca's side of the family, or my side of the family. So in a sense, someone's gonna get the short end of the stick, but the one thing I try to push with her is that at the end of the day, regardless of the decision you make, the people who love you the most will be there regardless of the decision. They will always be there. And that's what should matter. Making tough decisions, yes, sometimes it's going to damage, if not destroy, relationships. That's just life. That's being an adult. But when moments like that happen, that's when you realize that, you know, maybe they're not meant to be in your life. And yeah, it's it's gonna break, it's gonna break your heart. But, you know, I want her to know that she's loved, she's supported in any type of decision, whether it's small, big, tough, she she's got a support system behind her. So here's a few things that I have picked up over the years of being a dad. Every child is different, their personalities are different, their needs are different. And sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is adjust to listen, to learn, and to grow alongside your kids. Parenthood isn't about having all the answers. It's it's it's about showing up every single day. And you're not always gonna make the right choices. You're not, you're gonna fail some days, you're gonna suck it up. And when those moments happen, you learn, you adjust, and you grow because as much as your kids are growing, you're growing too. And that's every single day. Every single day, whether it's at four, whether it's at thirteen, whether it's at nineteen, different personalities, different needs, but it's it's all part of the same journey. Thank you for listening to the episode today. It means a lot. This was a personal episode. We got emotional together, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with crying every now and then because parenting can be tough. But if you're listening, give your kid a hug. And if they don't want to hug, give them a hug anyways. They'll appreciate it one day. Or you can body slam your kid, like I body slam my four-year-old, and he loves it. So I I'd love to hear your perspective on things. Have you ever had to adjust your style of parenting for different kids? And if that's the case, you know, I want to hear about it. Email me, send me an email at mostlyme contact at gmail.com or reach out to me on our Facebook page, the uh Mostly Me Occasional AWS Facebook page. I would love to hear your parenting struggles, your parenting triumphs. I want to hear it all because you're not alone. And if you're having to adjust in general, it's because most parents have, and you're not alone. So, with that said, remember to stay you mostly wise. See you next time.