The Unofficial Rules of Parenting

Ever wish parenting came with a handbook?

In this episode of Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise, Brian shares some of the unofficial rules of parenting that every mom and dad learns along the way—usually through trial and error, plenty of laughter, and a little bit of chaos.

From kids who think they know more than you do, to the mysterious disappearance of shoes, to the universal truth that you should always bring snacks, this episode is packed with relatable stories, parenting humor, and reminders to enjoy the little moments before they become memories.

Whether you're raising toddlers, teenagers, or somewhere in between, you'll probably find yourself nodding along and saying, "Yep, that's exactly how it goes."

Join the conversation by sharing your own unofficial parenting rules on the Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise Facebook page, or email the show at mostlymecontact@gmail.com.

Because when it comes to parenting, we're all figuring it out one day at a time.

Stay mostly you, occasionally wise.

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Until next time — stay mostly you, and occasionally wise.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

There should really be a parenting handbook. There really should be. Like chapter one, Spring Snacks. Chapter 2, Never Trust a Quiet Child. And Chapter 3, Good Luck. The End. Let's talk about it. Welcome back to Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise, the podcast where we talk about parenting, family life, marriage, and all the wonderful chaos that comes with it. I'm your host, Brian, and today we're diving into something every parent understands. The unofficial rules of parenting. Now, before I had kids, I thought parenting was mostly common sense. You feed them, you love them, you keep them alive. I mean, how hard could it really be? Then I became a parent and realized there are a whole bunch of rules nobody tells you about until you're living with them. Nobody tells you that you'll become suspicious of silence. Nobody tells you that you'll be carrying enough snacks to survive a zombie apocalypse. And nobody tells you that your child will remember a promise that you made six months ago, but somehow they forget where they left their shoes five minutes ago. Parenting is one of the greatest adventures you'll ever experience. It's rewarding, it's exhausting, it's hilarious. And sometimes it's it's all three at the same time. The funny thing is, for the most important job most of us will ever have, there really isn't much training. If you want to drive a car, you take a test. If you want to become a teacher, there's training. If you want to become an electrician, there's also training. But when you become a parent, they basically hand you a baby and say, good luck. And somehow we're expected to figure it all out from there. And the good news is we're all learning together. The bad news is most of us learn through trial and error. So today I'm sharing some of the unofficial rules of parenting that I've learned along the way. But before we jump into that, let's do a little dad life debrief. So if you're new to the show, dad life debrief is an opportunity for you as the listener to come and hang out with me during the week as a husband, father, family man, chaos coordinator, and everything in between. And I also tend to talk about all of my kids when it comes to dad life debrief because each week is something new with each kid. But this week I really want to focus on my 13-year-old. I have been really vocal about our relationship and how it has been a struggle with him. And it's not my fault, and it's not his fault, it's his past. His past has really put a brick wall between us. And we knew that when we adopted the boys, we knew of his past and how awful it was, and we knew there were going to be challenges. I just didn't realize it was going to be as big of a challenge for me to get, you know, to have the opportunity to create a relationship with him and to show him that despite all these awful men, there are some good guys out there like myself. I just want to be your dad. I want to be there for you. I want to give you what you deserve. And so over the last several weeks, we have really been improving. And it all stems from one moment. A few weeks ago, we went to church. Every Sunday we go to church. And I've also talked about in past episodes how on Sundays, for some reason, our boys forget who they are, and then they just act up, and they are just unruly buttheads. And it was it was starting off that way. And so my 13-year-old has ADHD. And he it was at an all-time high during church. He was fidgeting, he was making weird noises, he was pestering his brother. And usually I get frustrated at moments like that, and I have to separate them, and and you know, my my frustration tends to spill out. I'm a big emotions guy, and you know, when I'm frustrated, you know, things like that, my emotions tend to show, and they're not small, little bitty emotions, just big emotions. But instead of doing that, I just stopped. And you know, I was like, okay, I calmly approached him and I said, Hey, can we please stop? Can you please stop pestering your brother? Can you please stop trying to sound like a chicken or whatever noise you're making? Let's just take a deep breath and just and just breathe. And it worked. And I'm like, huh. You know, it's like a light bulb went off in my head. But it led me to thinking this one question what what is going on in his mind when he's doing all these things? And so on the way home, we had a conversation about it, and he couldn't give me an answer. And, you know, we talked a little bit about his impulsive thoughts and how they just happen, and how he doesn't understand it, and he's trying to do better about managing them, but ADHD is just a monster sometimes, and it gets the best of him. So it got to me, you know, after this conversation, I started to think, why am I trying to figure out something if he can't even figure it out? And that's when it really set in with me. I need to just stop trying to figure something out that I'm never going to be able to understand because my 13-year-old doesn't even understand it. And when that happened later that night, I sat down with him and I said, Look, you know, I apologized for the way I had been acting the last couple of years when it came to these kind of things. And he even apologized. And it was kind of, oh, I'm getting emotional talking about it. It was one of those moments where his maturity really showed. And and there was there was a bonding moment. And it was just one of those things that I have been craving with him since he moved into the house and he came into our life. And since then, I have been more relaxed with him. I've been, you know, more understanding. Uh it it really feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. And you can really tell that he is more relaxed when it comes to me. He's joking around, we're being silly. We're finally having a relationship with each with each other that we both deserve. And oh man. I have wanted that so badly, and it's just give me a second and get a tears away from my face. And so last Monday he has counseling during the summer, and it's important for him. It allows him the opportunity to express himself, talk to talk about things he may not want to talk to Becca and I about, and to continue to get a better understanding on how to control ADHD the best that he can. But his first meeting with his counselor is a family session. Becca couldn't make it, but Becca had, you know, talked with his counselor about you know our 13-year-old and I, our relationship, and how it's improving, but we really want to focus on how to make it stronger. And so she sat down with us, and you know, I vented my 13-year-old vented, but we came up with a plan on creating hobbies that we can do together. He loves fishing, but during the summer, especially in the south, it's it's tough. So we came up with other things. He wants to go on nature hikes, he wants to go camping, he wants to find a video game that we can play together, he wants to go see more movies with me. And these these are ideas he came up with. And I'm like, man, this it was his way of saying he loves me without saying it. And it just, you know, it was amazing. It really is. I am so proud of both of us. We have really tremendously shown a lot of work, and it's gonna be a continuous thing. We're gonna have to put a lot of work in it, and we're gonna have bad days, but over the last several weeks, those bad days haven't happened as often. There have been a lot of incredible days where we just we've really bonded, and it's always been the one thing that I've wanted with him. Because, you know, like I said, I've I've got a really close relationship with my four-year-old. I've really got a I really got a close relationship with my 19-year-old, but I wanted it with my 13-year-old. And I'm finally getting it. We are both finally get getting a relationship with each other that we've always wanted. And and and you know, that that's that's the that's the amazing thing about being, you know, a parent. That it just it's the one thing I love about this stage in life that I'm in. I mean, everything is exciting, everything is an adventure, you know, every day comes with a new story. I mean, yeah, parenting can be exhausting, but it's never boring. And and it's everyday moments where I'm feeling all those things or going through the adventures where it got me to thinking about this week's episode. Nobody hands you a parenting handbook. I mean, most of us, you know, we learn from experiences, mistakes, and occasionally complete chaos. But one thing that I have learned over the years is that kids have a funny way of keeping parents humble. And just when you think you've got it all figured out, they'll remind you that they apparently know more than you do. Which brings me to my first unofficial rule of parenting. Your kids think that they know more than you do. At some point, your kids become absolutely convinced that they know more than you do. Now, don't get me wrong, my boys are smart, sometimes they're surprisingly smart. But there comes a point where they start to question everything. I mean, you tell them to do something, it seems like they've got a better idea. You offer advice, they've got a different plan. You explain how and why something won't work, and suddenly you're debating with someone who still can't even remember where they put their shoes or their backpack or even the cup. They were literally holding on to 30 seconds ago. And and and my my favorite part about all this is when they ask for advice and you give the answer, they ignore the answer. And then two weeks later, they come back with the exact same answer and act like they've invented fire. And somehow you're supposed to be impressed with all that. Wow, buddy, that's amazing. Meanwhile, internally, you're thinking, that's exactly what I told you two weeks ago. And honestly, if we're being fair, most of us probably did the exact same thing to our parents. I mean, I know I did. I mean, uh, the funny thing is, one day they'll realize mom and dad knew a little more than they thought. Most of us eventually do. But until then, parenting sometimes feels like having decades of experience and then still getting fact checked by someone who still leaves their socks in the living room. Now, while kids may think they know everything, there is one thing they definitely know. They know exactly what you promised them, even if it was four years ago, which brings me to my next rule. Rule number two kids never forget. Kids have the memory of an elephant when it benefits them. You can tell them three times to clean their room and you get nothing. You can ask them to you know do their laundry, and you still get nothing. You remind them to feed the lizards or do their homework or clean up after themselves, and you still get nothing. But promise ice cream one time six months ago, and they got receipts. They know the date, they know the time, they know the weather condition, and they probably even remember what shirt you were wearing. And it's truly unbelievable. I mean, sometimes I think my kids would make incredible detectives if snacks were involved or money. You know how crime shows always have that investigator who notices every tiny detail. That's basically your child when there's a promise involved. Dad, on February 14th, approximately at 317 p.m., you stated there was a possibility of ice cream. Where did this memory come from? What triggered this memory? I wasn't even talking about ice cream, I was asking you to pick your socks up off the living room couch. The lesson here is simple. Be careful what you promise, because they're keeping records, and unlike adults, they don't forget. Now, while kids remember everything, they're also paying attention to something else. You and this is what leads me to rule number three. Your kids are always watching. This one is both heartwarming and completely terrifying at the same time. Because your kids are always watching. They aren't watching. I mean, it's not just what you say, it's what you do, it's how you react, it's how you handle stress, it's how you treat people, it's how you talk to others. One day you'll hear your kids repeat something you say all the time. And sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's funny. And let's be honest, sometimes it's a phrase that immediately makes you rethink your vocabulary. Nothing makes you evaluate yourself faster than hearing yourself come out of your child's mouth. It's like listening to, it's like listening to a tiny version of yourself and realizing maybe you're the problem. You you hear them say something and immediately think, wow, do I do I really think this? You know, or do I really say this a lot? As parents, we spend so much time trying to teach our kids, but often they're learning from our examples more than they do our words, which is both inspiring and slightly terrifying. As parents, we constantly are trying to teach our kids, but let's be honest, sometimes we're just trying to survive today. And and if you've been a parent for more than five minutes, you probably have discovered one of the greatest survival tools ever invented. Snacks. Let's talk about rule number four. Rule number four, always bring snacks. No, seriously, always bring snacks. I don't care where you're going, bring snacks. I don't care if they just ate lunch, bring snacks. I don't care if you're leaving for 15 minutes and you will be coming back, bring snacks. Because the second you leave the house, every child suddenly becomes hungry. And it's not just a simple hunger, it's it's one of those that lead to them acting like they're starving to death. And and it's amazing and it's frustrating at the same time. I mean, seriously, your kid could eat a full meal, get in the car, buckle their seatbelt, and immediately ask, Do we have anything to eat? No, child. No, I have nothing in this car for you to eat. Because somehow you just ate enough chicken nuggets to feed a football team 10 minutes ago. And so, no, I didn't bring snacks. And at some point, I stopped being a parent and somehow became a traveling vending machine. And the crazy part, the snacks are never the right snacks. You bring crackers, they want chips, you bring chips, they want gummies, you bring gummies, and suddenly they're not hungry anymore. That's that's an that itself is frustrating. Parenting is basically customer service for people who don't carry wallets. Now, now, snacks, you know, they solve a lot of parenting problems, but there's one problem they can't solve, and that brings us to rule number five. Rule number five, everything takes longer than you think. Getting kids out the door should qualify as an Olympic sport. Let's say you need to leave at 10 o'clock. At 9 45, everyone looks ready. You're feeling confident. That's your first mistake. At 9 50, someone needs to go to the bathroom. 9 52 rolls around, someone all of a sudden can't find the shoe. 9 55, both kids are suddenly starving as if you've met you haven't fed them at all that day. At 9 58, someone realizes that they forgot to turn the light off in their room or didn't shut the TV off in their room in their room, which happens a lot. At 10.04, someone has lost that same shoe again that you were looking for at 9.52. At 10.07, both boys need to make a drink so that they can have something to drink on the way. At 10:10, someone asks if they can bring their stuffed animal or their favorites toy along. And then finally at 10:15, you're backing out of the driveway, assuming assuming nobody needs to go back inside. It's amazing how many things can happen between we're leaving in five minutes and actually leaving. In fact, I am totally convinced that my kids hear the phrase we're leaving in five and they take that as a challenge. Like it's their personal mission to delay the process as long as possible. It's incredibly frustrating, especially for someone who hates being leaked to everything. But parenting has also taught me patience, mainly because I don't have a choice between the schedules, activities, forgotten items, and snack emergencies. It's really easy to get caught up in the daily chaos. But every once in a while, parenting reminds us of what's really important. And that brings me to rule number six. Enjoy the little moments. Really, this might be the most important rule on today's list. Little moments matter. You know, as parents, we'd spend so much time looking forward to being milestones. Birthdays, proms, graduations, just big accomplishments. But when I honestly think about the moments I'll remember the most as a dad, they're usually way smaller. Fishing with my son, the random conversations in the car, a hug from my four-year-old, a family joke nobody else is going to understand, a bedtime story, silly moments at dinner. The little moments become the memories we treasure. And here's the crazy thing. One day you will miss some of the things. That currently drive you crazy. The toys on the floor, the random questions. You know, the the constant interruptions. Maybe not the constant interruptions. That's that's honestly pretty annoying. But but you get my point. One day the house is going to get quieter, and you you're you're going to realize that those little moments were actually the biggest moments all along. And that's something I've really honestly been thinking more and more about as my kids get older, which leads me perfectly into rule number seven. Every stage has something you'll miss. You know, when your kids are little, you can't wait for certain stages to end. You can't wait for them to sleep through the night. You can't wait for the diapers to be over. You can't wait for them to be more independent. You can't wait for things to just get easier. And then one day those stages are gone. And somehow you find yourself missing parts of them. Not all of them. I mean, let's be honest. I don't know many parents that miss changing diapers, but there are pieces of every stage that stay with you. The bedtime cuddles, the way they mispronounced words, the excitement they had over the simplest things, the way they reached for your hand. That's one of parenting's greatest tricks. The stage you're desperate to survive today eventually becomes the stage you will miss tomorrow. Every stage comes with challenges. But every stage comes with gifts too. The trick is appreciating the stage you're in while you're in it. Because it's not gonna last forever. As parents, we spend a lot of time looking backwards and wondering if we did things right. Could we have handled that differently? Should we have done more? Did we mess something up? And that's exactly why I wanted to finish today's episode with one final rule. You're doing better than you think. Parenting is hard. It's really, really hard. And most parents spend a lot of time wondering if they're getting it right. We compare ourselves, we second guess ourselves, we worry. Social media doesn't help at all. But that's okay. Because here's what I've learned the parents who who who worry about being good parents are usually the ones that are trying the hardest. That's true. But your kids don't need perfect parents. They need present parents. They need someone who loves them, who shows up, who tries their best, who listens, who encourages, who occasionally knows where the other missing shoe is. None of us none of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers. We're we're learning as we go, and and that's okay. Now, those are my unofficial rules of parenting. And if there's one thing I've learned over the over the years, it's it's that parenting has a way of teaching us lessons, whether we're ready for them or not. Some lessons make us laugh, some make us grow, and some remind us just how important the little moments really are. If you've got an unofficial rule of your own, I'd love to hear it. Head over to Mostly Me Occasionally Wise on Facebook and join the conversation. Tell me the parenting rule nobody warned you about, but every parent should know. I'd love to feature your responses in future episodes. You can also email me at mostlymecontact at gmail.com with those parenting stories, topics, questions, or just even to say hello. I love a good conversation. And if you enjoyed today's episode, please take the moment to follow the podcast, leave a review, and share it with a friend, spouse, or fellow parent who could use a laugh. Your support helps more people discover the show, and I truly appreciate every listen, share, and message. Thank you for spending your you know a part of your day with me. And until next time, enjoy the little moments, laugh through the chaos. Remember, we're all figuring this out one day at a time, and to stay mostly you, occasionally wise.