Episode 8- Fannying Around with Melissa and Steve

Today we’re fannying around with Melissa and Steve Wall.

Melissa is a Team GB powerlifter, strength coach and all-round force of nature. Steve spent 42 years serving in the Army and somehow found himself becoming not only Melissa’s biggest supporter, but her coach, teammate and partner through menopause too.

What starts as a conversation about hormones quickly becomes something much bigger.

We talk about what menopause really looks like inside a relationship. The mood changes, the confusion, the exhaustion, the identity shifts and the moments where both people can end up wondering what on earth is happening.

Steve speaks honestly about watching the woman he loved change and not understanding why. Melissa talks about navigating perimenopause while training, working, competing and trying to hold everything together.

There are conversations about strength, ageing, HRT, lifting weights, protecting your energy and why getting older doesn’t have to mean becoming less.

Mostly though, this is about doing it together.

Because menopause might happen to one person, but it affects relationships, families and everyone around us.

Also featured: Tesco trolley incidents, "fanny magnets", Army life and why every woman deserves a Steve.

Right then.

Let’s fanny around with Melissa and Steve

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:01

This episode is supported by the Women's Health Clinic. At the Women's Health Clinic, you'll be seen by our accredited menopause specialists working to the latest international clinical guidance. We believe that knowledge is power. When you understand what's changing in your body and why, you can make decisions with clarity and confidence and feel back in control of your health. We really take the time to listen to your symptoms using evidence-based assessment and testing where appropriate and explain what's happening in a way that actually makes sense. From there, we support women to explore all effective treatment options, including prescriptions when needed. Our aim is simple to optimize women's health care wherever you are. No funnying around. Find out more at thewomen's Healthclinic.eu.

SPEAKER_06 0:58

Hey fanniers, how are you? Episode 8 then. And there are some episodes that start with hormones and end up being about something much bigger. And this is one of those. Today we're fanning around with Melissa and Steve. Steve Wall MBE, don't you know? Melissa is a great Britain European and world powerlifting champion. She's also a strength coach and absolute powerhouse. And we love her. She took up competitive lifting at 47 right as Menopause arrived and turned everything upside down. Steve, on the other hand, spent 42 years serving in the army and now spent his time coaching, supporting, and by his own admission, loading all the weights while Melissa steals the glory. They're a wonderful couple and we talk to them about what really happens when hormones, identity, work, grief, aging, and relationships all collide at once. And why it's not always wise to wear your fanny magnet to Tesco. It's about losing sleep, losing patience, and maybe losing yourself a little bit. But also finding something else. Strength, purpose, boundaries, and a different kind of partnership. Steve shares with us what it was like watching the woman he knew suddenly seemed different and why more men need to understand that menopause isn't just a women's issue. Melissa opens up to us about powerlifting and how it became her anchor through grief, change and midlife. And why learning to protect your energy might be one of the most important things women ever do. We talk diet, exercise, and Steve reveals what the fellas say about us down the pub. And somewhere between powerlifting, HRT, army life, and menopausal rage, there are some really important conversations about what happens when couples stop fighting change and start navigating it together. Right then, let's fanny around with Melissa and Steve.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Okay, so I'm Steve's wife. We are sort of retired. I'm much more retired than Steve is at the moment. But I also um I am a power lifter, so I compete for Great Britain in the sport of pole lifting. Um and I do that internationally. Um I do it in the UK, and um that's my passion really is strength sports, especially strength sports for women. Um so that's sort of me, really, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 3:59

Um Steve, I am really interested in hearing about YouTube, but also I just want to go back to that because Melissa, we were saying that um the powerlifting is quite a new thing, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 4:12

No, you're right. Um so uh interestingly, I took up the sport of powerlifting when I was 47. And I'm now nearly 60, but when I was 47, that's when my menopause was really kicking in. Um, so it was a it was an interesting time um to try and navigate those changes as well as taking up a competitive sport for the very first time in my life. So yeah, it was yeah, it's it's led me to where I am now, so you know it's all good we got there.

SPEAKER_06 4:45

How how how powerlifting them, Melissa? Because I'm always in awe of you when I see your reels, and I just think, oh, and and a lot of us, as we'll probably get onto in a moment, um, when you reach a certain age, we're told to lift heavy weights, which I try, and I think Katie does as well. But how did it become a competitive thing?

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Um I just it was opportunity. I I feel that life is just so full of opportunities, and it just so happened that the gym that I started training at, and the coach there was a strength specialist, and um someone was entering, it was he was actually holding a strength uh strong women competition, and there was very few women in the gym at that stage, and very few women of my age. So he organized the Highland Strongest Women, this is in the Highlands of Scotland, and we trained for it, and um, we had such a laugh with it, it was brilliant fun. And then someone had said they were doing a powerlifting competition, and he'd got me fairly strong on my deadlifts in particular, um, which is my my favourite lift of the disciplines, and we decided to enter, which we did um a few months later, and in that very first competition I brought the Scottish deadlift record, and um that just became addictive to me because from being a runner for nine years, Steve had got me into running years before. I hadn't explored strength, and it was so nice to try something new and think, could I actually be quite good at this? And I I loved the training, and I've always loved the training from start, the very start till now. I love it, it's hard, it takes a lot of me. Um, but I absolutely love it. So the competition has just started to roll from there, you know. So when Scottish to then going to national to then in 2016 being selected for my first international, having previously done Commonwealth in 2015, and that it just kept rolling. And again, coming back to what I was saying about opportunity, these things have come up, and I've thought, as a woman of my age in a strength sport, I can't say no to any of these. So I'm you know, I'm prepared to put in the work and just keep rolling with it as it comes. Um, so it's it's just amazing. I love it.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

And so, Steve, obviously, you are the the the pinnacle.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Yeah, I mean, I'm Melissa's greatest fan. Um yeah, I I support Melissa through all of it. I mean interestingly, um Melissa had started powerlifting while I was overseas and didn't even know she was doing it. And when I returned um from a six six six-month operational tour with the army, I came back and she said, Oh, we're off to Canada, Walk Four. Um, I've qualified for the Commonwealth powerlifting. So a week later we were off, and then I I kind of travelled around with Melissa supporting, you know, just seeing what it was about. And eventually I just thought, you know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna keep following her around and supporting her. I may as well do something, and I don't want to lift because it it didn't fit with with my sports. And so I became a coach and then a referee, um, and then I've been and I've been coaching internationally with Team GB Masters for I don't know, eight years, maybe maybe a bit seven, eight years. Um yeah, and and the the lovely thing is that um I get to train with Melissa here in Spain. Uh I so I go through all the training with her. I get to see the fire and the passion, the motivation, the tantrums and and everything. Um the tantrums, but then when we compete, I handle Melissa in the competitions, um, you know, effectively coach her at each international and get her ready and prepared for it. So Melissa's a little bit, it's a bit like a being a diva. She's she's so special, but she lifts all the weights. No, she she lifts all the weights, and I load I have to load the pla load each of the bars and and put everything away.

SPEAKER_06 8:55

And so I end up lifting about 20 tons, and Melissa just comes and does her I love the way Melissa's like the J-O of the power lifting community.

unknown 9:09

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 9:11

So I mean you said you were overseas, Steve. Take us back then. What what was the day job? What tell us a little bit about you before you semi-retired?

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Yeah, so um basically shortly after leaving school, I I joined the army and I left at age 56, having served 42 years. Um and and so yeah, pretty for me, sport was very much integral, integrated with with my uh my day job, you know. That the services, I I guess we're all professional athletes to because we've got a condition for our job. Um, and so I had a a very strong sporting background uh and ended up coaching from from as early as the 1980s in running and uh and then progressed through boxing, weightlifting, judge referees. Um and so yeah, I served pretty much all over the world. Um, seven tours of Northern Ireland, Bosnia, Iraq, and two nine-month tours of Afghanistan.

SPEAKER_06 10:09

You don't look old enough. Tell us then, uh, starting with you, Melissa, how old are you?

SPEAKER_03 10:15

I'm nearly 60. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 10:28

Um Melissa, were you working when you were perimenopausal?

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Oh, it was definitely around that that 47. It was the you know, the impact on my sleep, it was the night sweats, it was, you know, and and and I was so caught up in learning the sport of powerlifting that I actually didn't join the dots for ages. You know, I didn't actually, I just thought, you know, I'm just feeling a bit rubbish. And um I remember just going to one of the herbalists because I thought, oh god, this maybe this is a menopause. And I I always thought it was this happened to older women, and I thought, oh, my late 40s, you know, it seems a bit soon. I went to this um herbal shop and she gave me some pills, I can't even remember what they are now. And then I heard about this thing that was advertised, and I called it, I nicknamed it the fanny magnet. And we're not talking about Steve here, people. We're not talking about Steve. This fanny magnet was this little oval sort of plastic-shaped thing with a little um magnet on the back, and you tucked it in your knickers and then just put the magnet, and apparently that was supposed to help with the hormones, so you tuck it in your knickers. And I was in Tesco one day with the trolley, and I had a summer dress on in the dress, and just stuck onto the trolley with the magnet. Anyway, that was some of my first horrible to um, you know, working out what I needed um to help me through this thing because called menopause, which was fast approaching, as you know, it it did. Um, but then I quickly realized that actually, if I want to keep performing, I'm in a performance sport now. If I want to be at my best, then maybe it's not the best thing for me to be saying, Oh, I'm not touching that HRT stuff. Because remember, this is only what we're going back, what, nearly 13 years. It was still one of those things back then that you were actually almost afraid to speak to your GP about. Because they would say, Oh, you know, you're too young, or you know, there's lots of risks around that. So it did take a lot of guts for me to actually approach the GP, who actually, in fairness, was very sympathetic. And I explained, you know, I'm doing this sport now and I really just feel rubbish, and you know, and they were really good, and I did quickly get onto an HRT tablet, um, and things improved dramatically almost overnight, you know, in the night slight night sweats. I mean, there were other things that started to creep in as they have done, but that's part as well, I think, of the aging process. But um, yeah, certainly that was how I managed that initial start of my menopause.

SPEAKER_06 13:14

And Steve, how about you? Were you in the country? Had you noticed a change in Melissa's behaviour? Did you see dramatic improvements? How was the relationship at this stage?

SPEAKER_01 13:28

I think to be fair, I probably noticed the changes before Melissa did. Um, and this is you know, I mean, the internet was fairly um hard, hard to navigate in those days as well. Um it was around, but it wasn't uh as well. So it I asked all my men, all my mates, and of course they all said it's just them getting old, they're all miserable and they're grumpy, and that's what happens to women.

SPEAKER_06 13:54

Um I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that pub.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Do you know it it is it is, it's it's probably it's probably um it's probably pub talk that we all talk about and uh and don't don't disclose to to females. But I think it was to be it to be honest with you, what I found very frustrating at that time is how it's Melissa and I have said when we go through menopause, we're going through it together, so let's normalize the conversation and let's try and understand it and understand the facts because if we don't, we you know we're not going to be a strong couple. And what really frustrates me is 50% of the of the population suffers. So we all suffer, the ladies suffer. Um, but even today, you know, 2026, it it's only just creeping into education in schools. Um, here in Spain, it's still um, you know, even HRTs quite kind of like frowned upon, it's culturally not accepted the same. But I find it very odd in this day and age that we don't have normal conversations about menopause and try and understand and and put things into place to help everyone through it. And so many of my friends end up end up getting divorced at this kind of age.

SPEAKER_06 15:20

Yeah, and I'm gonna defend the guys here because I I we speak to so many ladies on this podcast, and Katie does every day that they don't realise they're in perimenopause or menopause. So how on earth are their husbands and partners gonna get their head around it? Um, so it is important that we have conversations as couples, but as people, you know, as people on podcasts like this.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Yeah, 100%. And and and I'll be honest with you, I did to start with. Um the moods, the sulkiness, you know, the dry the the sort of sleepless nights and the night sweats and things like that, um hot flushes, I couldn't do much about, but it was the the change was quite dramatic in Melissa, who was such such an outgoing person, such fun to be with, and suddenly hated the world and everybody in it and everything. Um, and that was the the whole thing with menopause, it's not a woman's issue, it's a it's a family relationship reality. Um and and so we we have to, I mean, it's taken some time, you know. Melissa has to say, look, if I'm sitting on my own and I go into another room, it's not personal, I just need my own space. And to start with, I would just follow her around the house thinking, where's she going now? And and of course, if I went into the room she just escaped from, she she got up and found somewhere else and eventually it sunk in, you know. Even occasionally now, I just say, God, you're so rude. I'm trying to talk to you. Um and we do laugh, we do laugh about it now, but I think it's yeah, for men without an understanding and not a willingness to to try and understand, it it's just not a good recipe for a relationship. And and it's sad because the other the other pie is that so many people get divorced, and then some years later, post-menopause, they kind of you know, they're all friends again. They why did we all fall out of that? It's because they were in love at one point.

SPEAKER_06 17:22

It's so sad, and it actually brings me nicely to my next question for you, Steve. And going back to your life in the military and people understanding people and men and women working together in such a high-pressured environment, and not just men and women, but relationships and understanding each other and being able to communicate because effectively your life, you're putting your life in that person's hands. In the military, then, was menopause acknowledged? Um, I'm really curious as to how they tackled and supported ladies who were serving.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

Yeah, I mean it's it's actually quite funny because it we don't have to go back very far in time, certainly while I was still serving, where the moment you got married as a female, you had to leave the army. Um, and most women I would say left the army around the time of Metaphorse. A soldier would typically leave at the age of 40 anyway. So they they know and an officer would serve to 55, but most of the female officers um would leave to you know to start a family. So many of them left before it. However, now things are really changing because we're not as archaic as we were as we once were, and a female now, only only since I don't know, the last 10 years, can now um fulfill any role in the in the military. Um 75% of jobs were excluded to them. And so now we are starting to see lots more. Um this year, for the first time is the uh in history, there has been a woman in every single rank in the British Army, all the way up to general. First time ever. And so what we are noticing now is that because we have changed the rules and the ladies are are serving longer, we are now seeing the effect, of course, of those that go through um, particularly perimenipol.

SPEAKER_06 19:31

It's incredible, isn't it? I think like the the forces and the services are are one of the the main ones that have had a s a spotlight shone on them, especially in the in the in the recent years, the police force as well. Um, just you know, you said that was ten years ago. It's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Really, when we say it out loud. So, how about you, Melissa? Were you working as you approached perimenopause?

SPEAKER_02 19:55

Do you know what? Yes, I was. I was working for government, um and that was rough because uh I worked full-time there. I was working rough working for government anyway, but I um was working full-time and I was fitting my training around that. So there was some mornings where I can't even believe I did this. Now I couldn't do it, but I was up at four in the morning and I had a commute of 30 miles on a Scottish Highland Roads, which we lived in a ski resort. So the blizzards and the snow, I had some horrendous drives to get to the gym, to train, to then be sat at my desk by quarter past eight, to finish at quarter past six, make the 30-mile drive back home. Um, it was horrendous, and you know, when I actually piece all of that together, I think, oh my god, no wonder I was shattered, you know, menopause, you know, the training, the work, everything. But so I um eventually I said to I just had enough. I I was getting grumpy, you know. I was I I realized I was gonna be that grumpy old woman in the office. Sorry to grumpy old woman in the office, and I thought I can't do this job anymore. And uh I had a great interest and passion for sport, and I used to run jogging groups at work at lunchtime and take people out just to help them get started. And um I then decided to do my personal trainer examination, I did um my boxing qualification, I did lots of things as and this was while I was working commuting and training, which just blows my mind, it really does, because I need a nap after I eat dinner now, you know. I just I'm just not doing that amount of activity anymore. So, anyway, I um kind of spoke to Steve and I said, Look, I'd really like to just start being a personal trainer now, please thank you. And he he absolutely supported it. We knew there was going to be a wee drop in salary. Steve said, Yeah, let's go for it, and we did, and it was the best thing ever did. Because I absolutely love the change. So there was there was a lot of big changes that came around that. So it's not all doom and gloom because I re-evaluated everything based on how I was feeling.

SPEAKER_05 22:11

I I love that. I uh and I that so I campaign as you know tirelessly, and that is the big push is that actually you know perimenopause and menopause is a royal pain in the ass. But actually, when you have when you get it right, so when you have a supportive partner, when you can communicate how you feel, uh, you know, to make it easier for them, but when you can also you're kind of forced into a position of you know, something's got to change, and how can I make that change positive? And it doesn't always have to be becoming lesser, you know, perimenopause really can be about being more and and and accomplishing more or just different things.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Yeah, it can be a massive time of opportunity, and I've said that before, and interviews are it's identifying the things that you can change, whether that requires some support or not. I mean, I know I'm very fortunate and it's Steve supported a lot of those decisions, and that may not be the case for many people, but um, it is a time of re-evaluating your life, really. You know, um, it might be dropping something, it might be starting a new hobby, it might be making a new circle of friends, you know. It's I think it's feeding your soul is just important as recognising the changes and the things that you're losing, um, finding another way to feed that soul.

SPEAKER_06 23:38

Um we speak to so many ladies that treat it as a rebirth and an opportunity to start something new, or even just do what they've always wanted to, which is incredible. Tell me, Steve and Melissa, what does life look like now?

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Well, I I'll I'll just start this off by saying at this put at this point in our of Melissa going through this menopause and these decisions to change her careers, um, the fundamental statement Melissa made was that I want to take control of my health uh through through sports and through lifting because all the evidence suggests that strength, um strength and conditioning will give me longevity through age, and which we'll come on to in a minute. And the other thing it it did for us is it shone a light on how we looked at aging together and what that might look like. And so we train four days a week together all the time. Um Melissa runs workshops and uh and she's a real ambassador for strength in older, you know, eight older women, but but also through the menopause, both both through pen perimenopause, menopause, and post-menopause, and that evaluation has shaped everything that we do now. So I'll I'll let Melissa answer the question from her side.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah, no, I think that is a good point. Um, so what our days look like now is we train together, the couples that train together stay together, time sailing in the gym environment. But um, we're very fortunate. We have our gym at home, we have all the equipment that I need, which was very difficult to access when we first came to Spain. So we brought, we ordered a lot of stuff. Um, so we do we get up in the morning, we the cat comes into bed with us, we have a cup of tea, we get our gym kit on. Like you know, most folk, I'd rather train in the morning because that's when I feel at my best, and um we train, we have breakfast, we train, we eat some food. Um, Steve's got quite a lot of work on at the moment, so it's just the day-to-day, you know, cooking, cleaning, um, occasionally meeting up with friends, lunches, you know, so just usual stuff.

SPEAKER_06 25:54

This is a question for both your your yourselves and Katie. There'll be a lot of ladies listening to this saying, why lifting? Why is lifting heavy weights important when I reach a certain age? Because I'm a cardio girl, I've been running all my life, or I like a spin class. Why is it so important to lift heavy weights?

SPEAKER_02 26:17

Yeah, well, you know, there's so much evidence now, there's so much research. There has been for quite a few years, but we're just starting to really catch on now. Um, I was fortunate I got in at the right time. You know, I was already engaging with strength, and you know, I'm sure that some of those benefits I have actually realized without even that wasn't the goal. The goal was to compete in powerlifting, but it's it's super important for everything as we age. You know, we've got to keep improving our bone density, preserve any lean muscle mass we have, and then indeed build some. We've got to, you know, strengthen our joints, our ligaments, our tendons. That is all done through lifting heavy, you know. Um you've got to create you know a stimulus which you will not get from cardio, sadly, which you will not get from yoga. Um, so we have to lift a weight, we have to pick up something that's heavy, and over time, and I don't mean go health or leather, go in to a gym and pick up the heaviest weight and start ripping it out. Starting, you need a start point and a progressively overload that now. I know, Katie, that you're doing your own strength training these days, which is amazing to see. I've seen some of your videos, and I'm sure you would agree with me that that's so important, the progressive overload aspect of it.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

A hundred percent, and I think as well, and it it comes back to as it always does, is education, exactly what you were saying as well, Steve. Because how many times do you hear women, and this is my biggest bugbear, but how many times do we all hear women say, Well, you know, I'm just gonna ride it out, I'm just gonna do it the natural way, and that is great, like good for you, whatever that means. However, you have to know that if you just keep doing the same thing that you were doing in your 20s and your 30s, it is not going to go well. Because, for example, with your muscle mass, your muscle mass doesn't just uh you know stay the same as it was, actually, your muscle mass decreases from the age of 35. And for women that's more pronounced because we lose our hormones, so your estrogen, your testosterone help maintain your muscle mass. So if you just do nothing can just keep running or keep going to yoga and don't add in a strength-building exercise, whatever that may be, actively building muscle, your independence at 75 and 85 is going to be impaired. And I think without knowing that information, it becomes impossible to make the right decision. And you know, I you know, I try very hard not to be dogmatic about anything, however, you know, I think some people might disagree. But I I think it's important that we know, you know, lifting weights, eating protein, you know, making sure that you communicate your menopausal symptoms, perimenopausal symptoms, all of these things are really important, really important.

SPEAKER_06 29:18

And that gives me the ideal opportunity to ask you about diet, Melissa, and what you eat. Because I'm sure a lot of ladies listening like me, we're lifting, we've got our weights in the garden, and we know about protein, and we know about carbs, and we know we shouldn't be probably having half a bottle of wine every evening. Um, but tell us a little bit about what you eat in a day and the misconceptions around diet and menopause.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

Yeah, I mean I think it it it seems so over to be overly complicated, doesn't it? Because there's so many mixed messages. Uh, you know, we've all got social media access to it, and you know, I've got some trusted sources that I go to. Um, but I've just learned along the way that the most important thing you can do is eat more protein. You know, try and have as many veggies in your life as you possibly can, drink lots of water, you know, get great sleep, you know, do what you can to get that sleep, have great sleep hygiene, um manage stress, which isn't that easy for some people, but just trying to find ways to manage that. Um, the diet shouldn't be, it's all dependent on goals. So we know that if you are doing a gym program, any sort of lifting program, you want to probably increase your protein intake, that will help your muscles synthesize that protein. Um, so I do have quite a high protein intake, which is around 130 grams a day. I can't say I get that in religiously every day because it's actually quite difficult. Um, so it's so hard, isn't it? Isn't it? You know, so it's a lot. Um, but you know, I I would just say a start position is just start to have a wee look at your plate, fill it with veggies, get your carbs in there because we can't metabolize the protein without the carbs, so they're super important because a lot of women think we shouldn't have too many carbs. Carbs are amazing, you know. You want that energy, that's your your your fuel source, you must have your carbs, but at the same time, the right ones, yeah, the right ones, yeah, absolutely. The right ones, um, and you know, the protein is the thing that it's my go-to. If I'm thinking of all of my meals, I automatically think protein source first and then a build around that. Um, and uh a gym program, you know, just there's so many things online, but if you can even just get along to a gym or a trainer and just ask for some advice, ask for a program. Most gyms in the area would provide a program, come along to some of my workshops, and then you get a program.

SPEAKER_06 32:00

How do people find you, Melissa? And when is the next program starting?

SPEAKER_02 32:05

Yeah, we don't have any planned immediately, but um probably my Facebook or my Instagram page. Um, so yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:14

We will leave a link, I think. I think also that I'm gonna caveat at what you said as well, Melissa, because actually you are completely right. Yes, people should ask their personal trainer for advice. However, I think there are a lot of women that aren't lucky enough to have a personal trainer like you. And actually, what I'm what I uh hear a lot of is that women in perimenopause and menopause have a usually male personal trainer who tells them calories in, calories out, and you know, go for a run and eat more broccoli. And actually, I think what we have to remember is we're not small men, you know. You can't we can't just do what men do, it doesn't work, you know. The keto diet, fasting in the morning, all of these things aren't particularly good for perimenopausal and menopausal women. So I think it's the same, isn't it? Is is is with everything, is advocate for yourself. So make sure that you know if your personal trainer is saying something useless, like calories in and calories out, it then you know, probably do a little bit of research.

SPEAKER_02 33:27

I think I think the problem for a lot of women is it's more about look. So, for certainly in my experience as a personal personal trainer, many women did come to me for weight loss. Um, but I wanted to obviously specialise in strength training, so that naturally happens anyway. But I I think that's the problem is that there's an assumption that everyone who's going to a personal trainer is going there to lose weight, you know, and instead of building something which is you know, it's not about getting big and bulky, that's incredibly difficult to do. Um hell of a lot of work and a heck of a lot of um food. So um, you know, it's it's going to someone that might be skilled in some of those areas and just say, I just want to learn how to strength train, you know, like strength training, it's it's not about um you know losing weight all the time. Um, and that's been the biggest thing for me. I weigh my heaviest ever at this stage, and I don't mind it because I'm strong and that's my ultimate goal. You know, it's not a number on the scale, and I do feel sorry that particularly for women of my age, we've gone through you know the 90s and the supermodels and the you know the ultra-thin woman. I wanted to be that. I was very, very skinny as a I thought that was an amazing look, and I look back and I think that was a dreadful look. What was I doing to myself? And the society's pressures all through those last few decades. Women are getting to my age, and that's it. Actually, I find it quite hurtful to hear them say, you know, well, I'll look at you know, I want to I just want to be skinny. You think really that that's not where your energy should be?

SPEAKER_06 35:09

It's so confused, isn't it? I mean, we got told to be skinny, then we got told it's okay if you're a bit bigger, and actually the underlying message is just be healthy. If you're a bit bigger, but you're healthy and you feel the right way, you know, it's just a constant pressure on women, and I think if you're going through menopause or perimenopause and you've got children, you've got you know a busy life with work, and then you're trying to find this time at the gym. And I always find the free weight part of the gym is you know, it's a particularly testosterone-fuelled part of the gym, which can be a bit daunting, um, especially if you don't know what you're doing, you feel a bit of a wally. And then with the anxiety and the thoughts with menopause, it's finding this motivation as well to go and find a new routine at the gym and get over all these things and get that energy, and yeah, it's difficult.

SPEAKER_01 36:09

I I I actually when you when you look at um the the whole menopause piece, it's like the perfect storm. You're getting older, um, your muscle mass is starting to deteriorate, your your bone density is getting worse. So all the recommendations are go to the gym, but you're the wrong age and the wrong type to go to a gym, and like you said, in a males dominated well, and also your motivation's in your boots as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it everything is almost a barrier to you going in and to and to fixing your life. And I, you know, I people say to me all the time, oh, it's all male-dominated gyms, and particularly here in Spain, it it it it is more so. Um, and my advice is if you don't have a uh access to a good coach who should who should be welcome and understanding and know and know all about menopause, if you don't go with some friends, or you know, great if you've got a supportive partner that can go with you to the gym, but you can do an awful lot of this at home. Um, one of the one of the things that we said, you know, and I I mentioned earlier about we wanted to age differently, is we watch so many old people struggling to get in and out of the armchair, you know, our own families, um, struggling to carry shopping. If they fall over, they just break every bone or can't get up in many cases. And so much of that you can fix at home. You know, you can squat on the couch, you can, like you said, get a small piece of equipment and train, or get a few girls together, feel the ladies together, and do something together. Uh, it's it builds the community uh aspect.

SPEAKER_05 37:57

Can I ask you you guys a question? Don't always look at things as a barrier to the other. Taking into consideration everything that we've discussed, what's your relationship like now, and how do you think that perimenopause and menopause has shaped that?

SPEAKER_01 38:19

I'll start with saying that Melissa has um probably defied all of the science because she's turned 60 this year, and every competition she's getting a personal best. Um early on this year she broke British records, five British records, sorry, Scottish records. Um she got seven Europe, sorry, five European medals and uh uh last week, uh four of them were silver and her teen gold. Um, and she's stronger now than she's ever been, and I think mentally and physically stronger. Um, and that's very much about our outlook and and the way we look at things. And I think we've you can if if there's understanding and there's communication, you you you can have a very strong relationship, and and now where I would probably um I don't know, not want to argue, but you if if I'm frustrated by something that Melissa says or does, I now know just means I haven't sorted out our HRT properly.

SPEAKER_05 39:26

That's what it means.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

So um, yeah, and I think that yes, but I I I think it uh one of the things you may not know is that um Steve and I actually haven't lived together full time until we moved to Spain seven years ago. We did have a home together, but Steve always lived away because he was always in different parts of the country or different parts of the world. So we were pretty much a weekend relationship or a few a couple of weeks a year or whatever. So this has been a major change for us to be together 24-7. Wow. Um, and you know, it wasn't without its challenges at first, um, and plus you add in a big move to Spain, you know, from Scotland. Um, so it's certainly at times it's been challenging, but I think um it's just getting used to each other's space, and that's been the biggest challenge for me, each other, being in each other's space all the time. Um I'm probably much more introverted than I was before menopause, which means that I'm much less sociable, and I know Steve does struggle with that because he he wants to do everything, you know. Steve just wants to go. Anything he gets invited to or asked you, like, yeah, can we go? Can we go? And I'm like, Do you know what? I I just can, or I'm not in the mood, or I do sometimes and you go, you know, I said just just should go. And I know I feel really bad about that because it's important to him that I do these things, but I've got to a stage there where if if I go to something and I can be instantly annoyed, you know, by something, I won't enjoy myself. And if I don't enjoy myself, I'm gonna spoil it for you.

SPEAKER_06 41:19

So it's I can absolutely relate, Melissa. Um, I think I'm an introverted extrovert, and it sounds like you are too, and I see a lot of similarities with us because I can turn it on when I need to, but sometimes after a long busy week at work, and I walk into the apartment and I think, oh, I've not got to see anyone or commit to anything for at least two days, and my shoulders go down and I can relax. And if I don't want to be somewhere, and I know we spoke to another lady on the podcast, Katie, and she said the same. If I don't want to go anywhere anymore, and I don't want to go out with the girls, or I don't want to see my best friend, or go out with my partner, I say no. You know, I take that time back for myself, and that energy is precious, and it is almost being quite selfish. You know, I take it back and I think to myself, do you know what? If I want to go and read a book in bed or sit in the garden with a dog rather than go out, then I will.

SPEAKER_02 42:19

I totally recognise that, and I think what you said, energy, it's protecting energy. Um, that's one of my priorities is protecting my energy, and you know, it's it's not easy for guys either, you know. I think you know, Steve's changing, you know, he's getting older, you know, and and things are happening for him as well. You know, he's starting to feel a bit creaky in his joints and things like that. He gets a little bit more grumpy in certain places, but he's so you know, it's we say that men get they don't get such a rough ride um hormonally, but they have their own challenges, so it's it's it's kind of I I need to be mindful of of the things that are probably challenging him as well. You know, he can't cycle as hard and fast as he used to, he can't run the way he used to. You know, he spent so long in the military that his joints are short, but you know, um, so yeah, it's a bit of give and take, really.

SPEAKER_05 43:15

But do you think like I I think that's what's really nice about this is actually it seems you know you didn't have a choice, Melissa. Your body was changing and you had no choice but to listen. And what what's really apparent actually is you, as you said right at the beginning of the podcast, Steve, that this was gonna happen to both of you. And because of that, it really seems like you've both b you know, you've benefited Steve as well as you know, Melissa's had to make all of these changes. And it kind of seems that you've used that as a a point of reflection for not only how do you feel now, but how are you gonna move forward? And I suppose because you've given Melissa Understanding and support, then that kind of uh it's a nice relationship narrative, isn't it? You know, we are an understanding and supportive couple, mainly because we had to be, but now we've learned.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

Yeah, and and I think that's really key, you know. And if if if we can help one or two of your listeners um uh here, the best thing to do is to navigate menopause uh together and talk to each other, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Super important. Um Melissa it used to be um she's a lot more blunt now, you know. I'm gonna go in the other room now, uh, and I just yeah, I understand that now. I'm not following you, whereas whereas it was she tried to be a bit more subtle to start with, but um, and I just think you know, now it now I understand that what Melissa goes through, it does help a lot. You know, it be from my background being in the military, we we have to understand how everybody works because the person to my left and right, I've got to put my life in their hands and then me. And so I know um and it allows us to soldiers are great at this because they know you can't change anybody. So if if someone's got their strengths, you exploit those strengths, and where there's a weakness, somebody else in the team can feel it. So so I brought that in as a couple, you know, we're a couple together, we're gonna live together for the rest of our life, so let's make it as happy as we can. And if if she um is starting to feel uh you know, and the mood goes or she's got low energy, I know it's not the time to take her to the out shopping or to go out for a walk. Um, and it's about respecting uh that space and understanding that that the journey that we're on together. But I think Melissa is a very different type of person though, because in the last 13 years she has never missed a day's training, doesn't matter how she felt, never once. Um, and everything, you know, she's she's jolly and me into the gym. Come on, let's go. I want to start training now.

SPEAKER_02 46:13

Um, yeah, like I mean, to be fair, that's it's been my anchor, you know, through all of this, through like through the move, through missing the children, through mum being sick, through losing my dad. The one thing I've always had is my training. So as much as it might sound like, you know, oh that it's she's she's very motivated. Yes, I am, but my motivation is is based around this is a bit of a coping strategy for me when things you know pop.

SPEAKER_06 46:42

Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I'm with you. I think sometimes when we're grieving or when times are hard, I don't know about you, but I tend to challenge myself physically. I lost my father, signed up for a run, I lost a friend. Oh, I know, I'll sign up for a triathlon. For me, it's like a physical release when you're grieving or you've you know we're going through some hard times. It's almost like how can I push myself another way to get this out? It's it's a really strange thing. So we'll finish up and I'm going to ask you a question we ask everybody on the podcast. If you could have a chat with your 20-year-old self and give them a few pearls of wisdom, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_02 47:26

Okay, I'll go first. I think I would say to myself, stop caring about what other people think, stop saying yes, and start saying hell no, which it's changed to now because I'm more inclined to be the hell no gal. Um and you know, just I think I think that's it, really.

SPEAKER_01 47:53

I don't really just yeah, yeah, and but I think for me, um life life is going to be rocky at times, it's never a smooth road, and there's gonna be challenges all the way, so get someone that you can share that journey with, and uh and yeah, just just appreciate each other for who they are. Um yeah, and it's do it do what you can when you can and enjoy life because very soon you get too old, it's all too late, and then you'll be full of regrets. Um should I have done that? Should I have done that? Whereas we've just done anything and everything. I mean, a classic example was uh um on a cold snowy day in Scotland. I said to Melissa, we're moving to Spain.

SPEAKER_02 48:45

Now, Melissa had never been to Spain numerous times, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

But we were in Spain four weeks later, household, jobless, houseless.

SPEAKER_05 48:55

Um I think I might have heard about this story actually.

SPEAKER_02 49:01

You've probably had one too, you've moved to quite a few times, Katie.

SPEAKER_06 49:07

Guys, thank you so much for your time today.

SPEAKER_02 49:10

So welcome.

SPEAKER_06 49:11

Thank you. I absolutely love talking to you.

SPEAKER_01 49:15

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 49:16

It's lovely to see you.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

And Katie, keep up the great work, keeping these ladies on Rosie.

SPEAKER_05 49:21

I will. I will. Thank you so much. It's so nice to speak to you, and thank you so much for your time. This episode of Fannying Around is supported by Clearboost, a women's health supplement range I created after years of working in clinic and seeing how confused and overwhelmed women felt by supplements. Each product is designed to support the symptoms that I see most often: hormone changes, low energy, poor sleep, low mood, and stress. Using ingredients chosen for their specific roles in hormone regulation, energy production, and nervous system support. The idea was to replace long random supplement lists with a small number of targeted formulas so women know what they're taking and why. Find out more at clearboost.eu.

SPEAKER_06 50:13

I knew that was going to be a good one. And I recommend everybody listening to get themselves a Steve.

SPEAKER_05 50:20

Oh. Do you know what? I really enjoyed that. I feel like I actually had loads of questions that I didn't get a chance to answer. I feel like we only just scratched the surface there of, you know, I I just love that they they really made it work for them and you know, accepted that the change was happening. It's not a bad thing, it's just something that you just adapt to.

SPEAKER_06 50:43

Yeah, and I think it sounds an odd thing to say, but I think being the type of people that they are fit, healthy, determined, um, I think that has played a massive part in terms of like Steve said we were gonna get old our way, you know. We we we they'd already set that goal, like we're gonna do this together, and we're gonna do it our way, and we're gonna age, you know, impeccably. And Crikey, they are, you know, you look at Melissa and she looks phenomenal. You know, there's a lady that's you know hitting 60 this year, and um wow, and is is you know, not only looking great, but smashing all those, you know, records at her age, you know, she's she's at her peak, really, when you think about it.

SPEAKER_05 51:36

I do you know what? I feel like it for me, Melissa kind of uh encompasses everything that perimenopause and menopause can be. And I think you know, as women we're resilient and we're tough, but I think perimenopause is the time where the shit really hits the fan.

SPEAKER_06 51:56

Yeah, and you've got no choice but to just pull on a pair of big girl boots and you know, just think, right, okay, well, how am I gonna make this work?

SPEAKER_05 52:05

What can I do? And and how wonderful to have a partner that, you know, is right beside you saying, Yeah, okay, well, if you've got to do it, we'll do it. We'll just do that.

SPEAKER_06 52:16

Yeah, and I was just about to say, props to Steve because I I think um, you know, we talk a lot about ladies, obviously on this podcast, you know, it's a women's health podcast, but you know, there are some great guys out there that are asking the right questions, offering the right support, and if they don't get the answers to those questions, they're going and finding them for their wives. And you know, especially Steve, he's not only supporting her emotionally or mentally, he's physically helping her lift and getting involved, and he got his own qualifications to referee, and you know, they are well and truly in this together, and it's admirable. I I think they're such a wonderful couple, and very inspiring. Very inspiring.

SPEAKER_05 52:59

Do you know what? And actually, this week in clinic, I have had quite a lot of husbands come into the consultation with women. It always throws me off a little bit, and I think you know, we get the odd husband that's just there because his wife's lost his her libido, and you know, he wants to know whether she can have some testosterone so they can get back to having active sex. And I but I think to be honest, that's few and far between, and actually most men that come are I think are there because in some instances they've made the appointment, but also because they want to understand more and they want to be more you know, we don't have you know we we weren't given the education and and the rule book, and and if we weren't, gosh, it it certainly means that that that they weren't.

SPEAKER_06 53:45

So I think um Steve alluded to he was sort of losing the Melissa he knew, you know, she was angry at the world, she was down, she was low energy, and I think giving it to the guys out there, you know, they're they're suffering a loss, they're they're grieving for the person that they once knew and loved, and they want that person back as much as the person themselves.

SPEAKER_05 54:06

So much. I think it's just gradually, you know, I think it's uh uh obviously an awareness about menopause and hormones, but how that can impact your relationship and the kind of change of dynamic that it enforces. And a change of dynamic doesn't have to be a bad thing.