Why You Should Stop Avoiding Things

If you don't identify at a type "a" personality, then you have probably avoided something at some point in your life. Avoiding things is a bit like gambling: sometimes everything works out (yay, that meeting was canceled so you don't have to do that report that you've been avoiding) and sometimes it doesn't work (you didn't pay that bill so now you're being sued). Chances are you know you should stop avoiding things, but still knowing and doing aren't lining up. So if you're looking for some words of wisdom on avoidance behavior, then yeah, let's talk about it.

Heads Up! This episode was originally released on YouTube December 15th, 2023

To watch the video visit Get Real Rae

You are listening to:

Music: One Fine Day by Keep Calm Podcast

Transcript

Speaker: 0:02

Why is it ringing? I don't recognize my phone number. Who's calling me? Why would anyone be calling me? I don't know your number. Maybe, maybe someone's in trouble and I need my help. Maybe my family member is stuck, stranded somewhere, borrowing someone else's phone and they need my assistance. Or maybe it's a bill collector. Or maybe it's someone who wants to sell me something. Maybe I'll just let it go to voicemail. Maybe. What's up? This is Rae with Get Real Rae, a place and space for life and business tips from this creative soul to hopefully provide you with some lovely, guiding inspiration and information or at the very least some laughs. And so let's get real about avoidance behavior. Craving real advice? Tired of feeling like every other small business owner or solopreneur is raking in the dough while you just seem to be raking? Secretly looking for a reminder that starting your own business is not as glamorous as others make it look? Whether you're looking to change the game in your relationships at home or at the workplace, you've come to the right place. My name is Rae. I went from corporate America to running my own small business to becoming a solopreneur. I'm a professional actor and dare we say a professional busybody because this body is about to be busy all up in your bins. So let's get real. OMG. I don't know about you, but a lot of times when my phone rings, I'm a little hesitant in terms of answering. Now, here's the thing. I actually really love phone calls. I love it when a friend calls me and it's like, oh my gosh, I did not expect a call from you. These phone calls are so warm and fuzzy. And I get a little, I get a little like jump like, oh, someone still called me. This is little about you, but I feel like I have to ask people to set aside a time to call. Now I'm busy. I run multiple businesses. A lot of my friends are very busy people as well. Maybe they've got full-time job, kids, PTA meetings and stuff. And so when I'm asking them, what's a good time to call? It's because I want to make sure that we can dedicate time to really listen to each other and not rush. I feel that for a good number of years, I was that friend who would be like, yeah, I'll talk to you. But I only have five minutes. And so I started asking because I really just didn't want my friends to feel like there'd be a rush. And I also didn't want them to feel like I didn't want to talk to them because I did want to talk to them. And it just, I started to feel like this bad friend if I constantly kept saying, oh, I'd love to talk, but I can't talk now. After a while someone goes, well, do you really want to talk? Because every time I call you, you're always busy. So I started asking to make time for my friends. But I was looking at an article. What is this? The Sydney Morning Herald. I don't know anything about this paper, right? But I did look up this article because I wanted to get an idea of how Gen Z relates to phone calls. Now, let me back up a second. I have had team members work with me over the years, and this has been millennials as well as Gen Z. And these individuals tend to get very apprehensive when it comes to answering the phone and dealing with phone calls. And part of the position involves dealing with phone calls. Now, as mentioned in this article, there's a lot of Gen Z that just feels like phone calls are intrusive. And what do you need to tell us that can't be just done in a text or on Snapchat? However, when you think about the workplace, I don't know. Maybe I'm just living under a rock. I don't know of any businesses that use Snapchat as a form of communication with their customers, aside from maybe Snapchat. Think of it this way. When you really want to get something accomplished, do you send a chat message online and wait for someone to get back to you? Do you send a chat message online and get stuck in that little robo cycle where like the robot answers your questions and you get really frustrated? And then you find yourself going, I just want to talk to a person. And then you're not even sure if you got a real person through the chat, or you feel like, oh, I wish I could just call you because this is crazy that I've been explaining the same thing over and over. And you just keep sending me these links that have nothing to do with what I'm asking you about. Or do you find yourself completely unable to find the information that you need and some online help menu for some website and you just want to get things done. And so you really just wish you could call somebody and just get it resolved. Yeah. So when I have adults tell me, oh yeah, she never answers her phone or, oh yeah, he never replies to texts. I have to ask myself, well, how does that person plan on communicating with businesses that are outside of their inner circle? With people that are outside of their inner circle? Now you could say, oh, well just send email. And yes, people do this all the time. And a lot of the times, the things that take multiple days to be resolved via email could have been resolved in a 20 minute phone call, if that, if that. So here's the thing. Businesses are always looking for ways in order to save money. If we could save money by, and that's part of doing good business, by the way. If you want for your business to continue to generate an income so that you can keep people employed and fed and help society continue to move forward because a business contributes something to society, it doesn't always have to be money, by the way. There are many businesses that operate simply by bartering. We create these goods and we need these other goods. And so let's go ahead and exchange ideas. So please don't get into this whole like, oh, well, it's all because of capitalism because that's not it at all. The idea of any society having endurance is to make sure that the members of that society have their needs met. And their basic needs are food, clothes, water, shelter, right? Keep warm, keep food to keep the body going and shelters so that way you are protected from dangerous elements. And then we get into the next level of things like, you know, health care, some kind of providing of health care and things of that nature. Now, with that being said, this article mentioned, and I only mentioned this article because I just found it rather interesting, but this article really did support things that I had been noticing outside of what was written. So whatever you feel about the Sydney Herald or if you work for the Sydney Herald, don't get all twisted. You can do your own Google search and find similar articles out there, right? One of the things this article mentioned is this idea that people who are Gen Z find phone calls intrusive. And I'm going to say that that idea possibly extends to some millennials as well, right? Phone calls are intrusive. How dare you call me and interrupt my busy day when I'm busy doing these things. But kind of like me saying, oh, I got to make sure that my friends understand that I want to talk to them and that I'm not too busy for them. So if I want to answer, I can go on Snapchat and my friends are there live online and I can just get an answer right away. Or I can send a text, get an answer, you know, right away. Here's the thing, Snapchat right away, text right away, everything right away. This all comes down to control. It all comes down to control issues. So the idea that we have to not call people who are Gen Z or millennial because they're not going to answer kind of says to me, we, as in anyone that doesn't identify as millennial or Gen Z, in addition to, I guess in addition to people who are millennial and Gen Z, should not call other people because reduces the amount of control they have over our interactions. Now, one idea that was brought up in this article was, well, you know, people use emails to replace phone calls and whatnot. And when you think about how emails have replaced letters, that is also something to take into consideration. However, when I look at how emails have replaced letters, that when we think about letters, there was a point in time when the only way to communicate was to write something down on paper and have that message delivered. Pigeon, postal service worker, person on a horse riding across the country. That just used to be the way to deliver messages. And then we got the invention of telephone, right? And so you could call on a wire, send a telegram, right? Please send this message to so-and-so. Or you can go, I guess, what Western Union used to go into a Western Union. I say you, I've never done this. Okay. But back in the old days, people would go into a Western Union and they would send a telegram. So they would say a message to someone who would write it down. And then they, that person would take that little note. They would go punch some keys on the special little machine that would send signals across. And then that person over there would copy it on telegram. Here's your message. So yes, technology has changed to allow us to communicate faster. However, faster, more efficiently. However, that does not mean that the ability to communicate faster and more efficiently justifies the desire to have greater control or the need to have greater control over communication. And so I feel like if we're not allowed to communicate with others outside of their preferred platforms, and if we allow for people around us to say, it's okay. It is okay to insist that people only communicate with you and the methods of communication in which you deem priority, then that just kind of says like, A, you're going to struggle with things that do not fall within your control. And B, you're not allowing yourself to have new experiences. So, you know, maybe you would get a phone call from someone who is stranded. Family member, friend, stranded. They remembered your phone number, and they're reaching out asking you for help, but you don't answer your phone, right? I had an intern who would not answer the phone when I called her. You know, I'd send a text message, call, no answer, email, no answer. And I did not call her first, by the way. I would always send, for internal communication, when teamwork is supposed to be on the clock, we would send Google Chat. So I would send a chat message, no answer. I would send an email, no answer. I'd send a text message, like, where is this person? And keep in mind, this is for remote working. So if we were in the same office, I could just stop by their desk or something, but this was not the case. It was remote working. Phone call, no answer. Send another text, basically saying, haven't heard from you, and I guess you're not working today, so you're not getting paid. Immediate phone calls. Immediate phone calls back. Immediate texts back. And mind you, when I did wind up dismissing this person, oh my goodness, so many back-to-back phone calls. Actually, I couldn't answer because I was teaching. I was in a session. I don't have time to deal with this. So this person operated with the understanding that they didn't have to answer the phone or any kind of messages when I reached out, but when they had a question or a concern or a comment, they expected me to respond right away. And when I didn't, those messages got nasty. It was crazy. But earlier in the relationship, when it was just simply, hey, starting a job, I got several messages about timesheets and payroll, and my information to this person was, okay, so tomorrow, call the department that handles those things because I can't help you. And 7 o'clock at night, right? It's past quitting time, my friend. So tomorrow morning, you go ahead and call those things. The documents aren't even due right away anyway, and you'll be fine. Just still more emails, more text messages. Reach out to your colleague. They might have some information. They haven't gotten back to me yet. It's just kind of like, well, guess what? They have a life too. So just because you want something right away, just because you want an answer right away doesn't mean, doesn't mean you're going to get it right away. And so while that person was young and learning, that being said, I have noticed the tendency to avoid phone calls, to not respond to text messages, to be something that seems to be quite common for people of a certain age group per se. Now, with that being said, one can definitely feel like text messages can go on forever, but when you think about phone calls, emails, everything kind of has a natural stopping point. You create a natural stopping point. You just, when you feel like the conversation's done, you can always choose to let the other party know that the conversation's done. It's not necessary that that's going to hurt anyone's feelings. Most people don't want for a conversation to go on and on and on. Now, there are group chats that seem to go on and on, and I remember speaking to a family member about this, this idea that this group chat just kind of kept going, to which I just said, well, why don't you just remove yourself from the group or ask them to take you off the list? Right? So this leads to another part of avoidance behavior, and that, this, this actually is not something that I feel is more applicable to Gen Z and millennial. This goes all across the board, which is, why are people so afraid to have honest communication with their loved ones? Okay. Honest communication with strangers is also an issue, but why not tell your loved ones what they need to hear? Because they used to be the same, right? If your friends can't tell you, then who can? Right? So hear me out, people, hear me out. Let's say, oh, the old scenario of gal tries on a dress and turns to her partner and says, do I look fat in this? And he's just like, uh, yeah, you look great. Right? I know we, we have this thing in American society, at least where men are supposed to say you look great. Now your best friend, your girlfriend, she's supposed to be like, oh, you know, that's so cute. And if she's nice, like if she's a true friend, she might be like, um, you know what? I think you should try this other one. We're not going to address the fact whether or not you look fat, just be like, oh, you know what? I think this other one might be better. Why don't you give that one to a trier? Uh, I'm not really feeling that color though. Why don't you give that a try? You don't address the fat question. Cause that's just, that's just going for disaster zone. Now, um, it honestly doesn't matter who you are and who you date or anything like that. I just gave those as examples, right? So I myself will freak out when I have to deliver bad news to someone, oh gosh, I don't want to tell them. Uh, I get like all nervous and sweaty and all these things. And when I was a kid, when I thought I was going to get in trouble, I would just be crying. What is, okay. I was going to leave. I was punishing myself so much. And she was like, oh, I don't even need to punish that child because she is just having a fit over there. And it wasn't planned. I wasn't like, I gotta get in trouble. Right? Like I really just was so bummed out. And as an adult, um, I feel like my relationship with delivering bad news has changed. Uh, I definitely feel like it was a lot easier for me to deliver bad news. And then recently it's kind of been like, oh, I just really regret doing this. And I had to remind myself to go back to doing something that really has helped me separate the emotion from delivering bad news, which is to have a checklist of what qualifications need to be met, what standards need to be met, what policies are in place. And so that way, if I have to make a tough decision, I can look at my list and go boom, boom, boom. Yep. According to this list, this objective list, it is clear that I need to make X decision. Um, my, my mom mentioned something about six sigma and I guess part of six sigma is that one, um, creates various scenarios. If I do X, then what will happen? If I do Y, then what will happen? And then once you've mapped out all the possibilities and you go with the best one, um, now for me, I would say that when it comes to delivering bad news to family members, instead of a checklist, I like to think of it as what would I want and how would I react? And so I recommend this to you. Um, now if you found yourself being faced with say, um, your friend is dating someone and they're madly in love and you think that person is such a creeper and you kind of don't want to tell your bestie that this person is such a creeper. Um, instead of just being like, Ooh, that person you're dating, they are a creeper. You need to just keep it moving. You could do better. Um, one thing, because how would you feel, right? If someone said that to you, I mean, I have things that I want to say to people in my world where I'm like, Ooh, but you know, Ray, how would you feel if someone said that to you? And I feel like, Ooh, I wouldn't really listen to them. I would defense this up and be like, wow, how would you say that? Like, who are you to judge and pass judgment? And so when we're giving honest, honest feedback, I want to say advice, honest feedback, honest information. It is not necessarily that that, um, should come from or is coming from a place of judgment. So, um, dating this person, it's not, you don't feel that it's a good match between the two of them. Asking something like, um, I'm so glad that I got to meet your new partner. Tell me, what is it that you like the best about being with them? Or how did they make you feel and finding out more information about that interaction? Why is this their choice? Or, you know, um, Oh, what do you think of my new dress? Oh, wow. You, you, Oh, wow. You're, you have a new dress. That is so cool. What do you love about it? What is your favorite thing about this dress? Oh, you went shopping and you went shopping without me. Okay. So tell me what is your favorite thing about this dress? Or do you think I should wear this to so-and-so's party? Okay. Well, Oh, I think it's cute. What is it that, what kind of feeling are you going for? Right. Finding out more information. Right. Um, now I just realized I gave a whole bunch of examples that may have seemed to have applied to just the world of females. And so, Oh no. Au contraire. Let's mix it up a little bit. So let's say that, um, one has to deliver bad news. Um, dude, what do you think of my haircut? You're thinking, Oh my gosh, you look like you've been attacked by a Flowbee. A Flowbee, if you don't know, used to be this gadget that you stuck on the end of a vacuum cleaner and it cut the hair and suck the hair up. Uh, the commercials were fascinating. But anyway, um, so instead of being like, Yo, that haircut's like crazy. Oh, well, you got a new haircut. Did you go to someone new? Right. I didn't answer the question right away. I want to find out a little bit more information. You know, do you like the haircut? Probably wouldn't just turn around and say like that, but I want to find all the information, just kind of find out like, do they even like this? Does it, what are they really asking me? Are they really, are they asking me if I like something because they want to know my tastes or are they asking if I approve of the decision they made? Aha. And so if you find yourself in a position where you are dreading telling someone something they may need to hear, but may not want to hear. Right. If you find yourself in a situation when you are dreading all sweaty palms, trying to figure out what your friend wants to hear, when they ask you a question about something or someone, if you find yourself dreading, not answering the phone or dreading, I should say answering the phone, right? Who's calling me? Why are you calling me? What's going on? Why can't I control this? Just take a breath, take a pause and ask yourself, what would I want? And what will get me closer to the objective? In the case of that interaction with the friend, what would I want to hear? How can I be truthful to my friends and support them? And what is it they're really asking me? In the case of the delivering of bad news to someone maybe that you're not close to, what would I want? What do I need to communicate clearly? What do they deserve? Right. Do they deserve for me to just not respond or do they deserve some sort of response? Right. And in the case of the phone, from the mysterious number, right? Like, come on, you got caller ID, so you can see if it's mom or grandma. If it says mom or grandma, you are not answering your phone. Shame on you. Okay. So, if you were dreading answering the phone and you just thought, I'm freaking out. What would I want? Well, I would want for now nobody to call me because I'm busy and I got all these things to do. Or I just, I don't even, I'm not even busy. I just don't want people to call me. What would my answering the phone or not answering the phone? What does that get me? Does it get my phone to stop ringing? Does it get repeated calls? I challenge you, next time your phone rings, just pick it up. If it's a robot, block the number. If it's a sales call, no thank you. The power of saying no is not exercise enough, my friends, and you should really embrace it. And a great way to practice saying no is to a sales call. Hi, is Mr. No, no. Would you like, no, no. You don't need to cuss anybody out. You can just do any of that. Just no and no thank you. Please remove me from your list. That is it. Now, I know there's reports that we're going to record your voice and then they're going to put the compilation together and use it to access your bank account, take all of your money, and then they're going to send all the money to the Cayman Islands. Well, if all you said was no or no thank you, you ain't got much to worry about there, okay? So instead of freaking out going to all these conspiracy theories, just keep it real, okay? Oh my goodness. Stop avoiding things. Just because you can't control it doesn't make it bad. It's part of life. You can't control everything in life, right? You can, look, you can have all the money in the world, be super healthy, go to all the specialists, all the doctors, have 20 coaches, and have your day mapped out to a T. You know exactly what you're doing.